The Heart of Dominance: A Guide to Practicing Consensual Dominance

by Anton Fulmen

This book is a how-to guide to the concepts and skills at the heart of consensual dominance. If you are new to dominance, still figuring out just what it’s all about or what you want it to mean to you, then this book will provide you with a solid foundation from which to start. If you already practice dominance and are interested in improving your ability to create deep and lasting power dynamics then you’ll find many advanced concepts and concrete techniques to integrate into your own personal style. What consensual dominance means here is any kind of intentional, mutually desired, mutually fulfilling exercise of power and control between partners. There are a lot of different kinds of connections that fit that broad definition, and the fundamental principles that this book explores can be applied to any of them. So it should be just as valuable whether you practice dominance in occasional intense evenings within an otherwise egalitarian relationship, in a full-time power exchange relationship, in long distance or online relationships, in pick-up play with strangers at BDSM clubs, or anywhere else. This book also doesn’t assume that you fit any stereotype about what a person who dominates should look or act like. It looks at dominance as a practice -- as something that any person can learn to do, rather than something that some people are -- and it is meant for anyone with a desire to learn to practice dominance well. It is written to be accessible to absolute beginners, as well as to switches and primals and tops and mommies and daddies and bigs and masters and trainers and Goreans and heads-of-house and owners and label-defying powerplayers. (And don’t worry if you have no idea what any of those labels means – dominance has nothing to do with labels.) If you have an interest in the bedrock principles of inspiring, deepening, maintaining and enjoying control over a person who dearly, desperately wants you to control them, then this book is for you.

Genres: BDSM, Sexuality, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Erotica, Psychology

260 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 31, 2016

Reviews

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well-written and clear primer on how to begin exploring dominance and D/s play. I especially appreciated the explicit focus on building and maintaining safety, consent, and connection to desire throughout the book. He also acknowledges his privilege as a cis, het, white man and calls it out, as well as some incredibly problematic aspects of D/s play that could be traumatizing or triggering for womxn, people of color, and queer and disabled folks. He encourages the readers to seek out additional professional perspectives from different intersectional identities and voices. I liked how organized and practical this book was with teaching the "flavors" of dominance, and I look forward to reading more of his work.

[Ari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been reading books in this genre for more than 20 years. This book is in the top 2 or 3 that I've ever read. Whether you're an experienced player or a newbie, this book is the one to read. The author combines bits of fantasy in illustrative ways with psychology, general leather courtesy, and common sense. His writing style is both subtly and overtly funny, pithy, and easily readable. Highly recommended.

[Ian Dodd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Maybe you've read "50 Shades . . ." and found yourself mildly curious. Or maybe you're a full-time Dominant in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship who has read all the books and attended all the conferences and learned from all the Old Guard veterans of Kinkdom.

Do yourself a favor and read this book if, for no other reason, than the discussion about what consent really looks like. It goes WAY beyond the "Hell, yes!" that is the default standard of contemporary sex positive and kink communities. Anton Fulmen does a deep dive into the basis of true consent on the part of both Dominants and submissives. And what he has to share is applicable in the vanilla) non-kink) world just as much as the dungeon. I have shared his writing on this topic with several sex educators I know in hopes they will expand/deepen what they teach not he subject.

Beyond that, this is one of the best books I've read (and I've read a bunch of them) on topics around Dominance, submission and erotic power exchange. It is the first book I recommend to potential partners, some of them new to the world of kink, to get a better grasp of what/who they are dealing playing with.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible primer on the world of D/S that is obviously deeply informed by wisdom, noticing, and listening to the experience of a wide variety of people. What I truly valued about this book was his choice to talk about how once might frame how to think about things instead of telling the reader what to think. This approach really allowed me to resonate with the parts of D/S that fit me and let go of the parts that don't instead of trying to adjust myself to a pre-determined model. He takes the reader on a journey to see D/S as a beautiful emotional journey into deep vulnerability and trust, and how one might foster and grow those traits within a connection.
Couldn't recommend this more!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this to everyone in a relationship of any kind, anywhere from one night stand to marriage. Rather than just being a guidebook for beginner doms/subs (which is all I thought this was), this book has more advice about accepting yourself and how to be emotionally mature than any other book I've ever read.

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first, and still the best, book that I read about consensual dominance. It goes beyond the typical fare of “make sure to get consent” and “here’s how you give a flogging.” It provides a deeper understanding of how real consent builds D/s connection, and how to navigate the realities of D/s relationships rather than just being trapped in fantasy world. Five stars. I’ve bought copies for friends.

[Sinclair · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend! I wasn't expecting to like this book as much as I did, but honestly it had a lot of excellent tips in it, particularly about maintaining dominant headspace, and ideas for protocol, scenes, and navigation of D/s relationships.

[J S · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the friendliest books I have ever read - the author almost tangibly comes across smiling and encouraging and sweet and kind and friendly. Very warm, very thoughtful and considerate tone, very good read. One thing that I would have liked to see more of from this book, though, would have been a more thorough discussion of the ethics and meaning of BDSM, and its implications regarding liberation politics, hierarchy, gender and so on. I'll find that elsewhere, though -- this book touches on all those things in a well-intentioned, introductory manner, but doesn't stutter there and does exactly what it sets out to do very well: guide. Really good book.

[Angie K. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is an enlightening read for the aspiring submissive as well as the Dominant. The author speaks in general principles, rather than laying down hard and fast “rules” for the D/s dynamic, but examines the prevalent types of D/s relationships which helped me better define what I seek from this sort of relationship. Thoughtful and non-judgmental, he also promotes the idea that the dynamic is yours and your partner’s, to build as you see fit.
I’m considering making this required reading for potential mates. ;)

[Guilherme Zeitounlian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a good introduction to Dominance: what it is, what it is not, and what are some flavors to it.

The "heart of dominance" is consent – and the author does a good job of explaining how to maintain consent, safety and comfort in a way that is good to all parts involved.

It is amazing to see that – as in all kinds of relationships – communication is key, as well as rapport.

(Also, the way D/s is approached in this book makes WAY more sense than what we glimpse at in 50 shades of grey and movies of the sort - I did not read the books.)

It was an interesting read. 4/5.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has so much good information in it. I would say that anyone starting out should read this book to get an extremely good foundation. For people with more experience this book will really make you think and reinforce your positive behaviors. I felt each chapter gave me more confidence to be even better then before. I will be reading this again to reinforce many of the lessons I've learned.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great reference for those starting out in power exchange.
It covers:
Finding a partner
Consent
Safety
Negotiation
Realms/style/flavors of dominance
Finding comfort in the dynamic
Forging connection
7 key questions

I enjoyed this book and recommend it for beginners, but I personally, learned more from his other book “The Dominance Playbook: Ways to Play With Power in Scenes and Relationships”

[James Weakley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Survey of the Lifestyle

Fulmen provides an excellent survey of the necessities and styles of dominance within a relationship. He explains the skills one must develop to be dominant ethically and then opens the door to the world of ways that one's dominance can be expressed. This is an excellent guide for those exploring the D/ side of the slash.

[Cbailey0 · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good primer into dominance

A good primer into dominance. This book provides a great understanding of the fundamentals of dominance. It clears up a lot of the fantasy of porn dominance and provides a practical application of the principals and mind-sets of real-life consentual dominant play. I highly recommend this book.

[Lobolance · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. The author does a nice job of mixing info with illustrative fantasy segments, so it's easy to see what he's suggesting. Fun to have someone have made such a study of erotic dominance; his categories make sense to me. Highly recommended for beginners; good for the rest of us as well.

[Numystic · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the few books with an emphasis on D/s dynamics rather than practical techniques, and that's a good thing! There are countless books covering how to safely tie people up and swing a flogger, but precious few on the relational aspects. This is one of the best available on the "mental game" of consensual power dynamics. Recommended.

[Peachgirl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great book and had lots of good info. Unfortunately the only drawback was that the fictional fantasies/scenarios which showed up every few chapters sometimes used ridiculous pronouns like they/them, ze/hir etc. Shame to see such a good book subscribing to such nonsense as imaginary genders and making it very uncomfortable to try and smoothly read these unnatural "pronouns".

[Gene Z · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the six flavors of dominance he described and how they combine to form the more common archetypes we tend to hear about (like those on bdsmtest.org). Felt like a great introduction. The terminology also felt more consistent and intuitive than in other books on this topic, and the explanations and examples were clear.

[Hjordes]

Good for both sides of the slash

Excellently written with shots of humor. I picked this up to better understand the D mindset and, as one on the other side of the slash, wasn't disappointed. It was also helpful to me to get a D perspective on some of my s behaviors. Highly recommend!

[fhmltn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this as a fairly well-travelled submissive who set out to find a good book for their new-to-most-BDSM Domme and this was my first try and was so perfect. It wasn't written for me, and yet I learned so much from it and it has already triggered some really important discussions. I just need to find a book like this for submissives now...

[Xavier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great advice for anyone who is interested is D/s. The book includes information on consensual objectification and avoiding common pitfalls when it comes to this kind of kinky play. The book gives good general relationship advice as well such as understanding boundaries and having clear communication and expectations.

[Brent Koch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thought provoking

Found to be very thought provoking never had thought of the why's before not just the how's.Have me some insight into what my partner hopes to get out of our relationship

[Wallace Ervin · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most throughly researched books you can get.

This us the best and most thoroughly researched books on the subject of Domination in all its forms. This is the book every Dom or Sub should own.

[Amanda Swinney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting read

I feel like the writer and I are similar people. I am disappointed that they don't have a sub version that is similar but I am satisfied with the read and may choose to read it again.

[Ben Kimmich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Book! loved it

I’ve read a lot of how to kink books. This is one of the best I’ve ever red. Should be required reading for Doms in my opinion.

Well written. Informative. Loved it.

[s · Rating 5 out of 5]

Again, another absolutely stellar guide from this author — & a wonderful companion read to The Dominance Playbook. There isn’t much to be said, only that this is an accessible, well-written starting point for anyone interested in the subject.

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Takeaways:
Ground yourself with humility, claim "the right to be imperfect".
"Foundational skills of self-acceptance, safety, and connection" play across every aspect of life.

Bumper-sticker review: "Be a better human"

[Gus Hebblewhite · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well written, author clearly super expreienced in the scene and very thoughtful. Was let down a bit by being I think too theoretical (or not sufficiently practice focussed) and a bit too 2017 era woke.

[Abdessamad]

I need to read this book for learning ,
Thank you

[Victor Lenoir · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good read

Even having years of experience, this book still gave me some insite and new ideas to try. Very good for a new dominant just starting to learn some of the basics.