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How Two Love: Making your relationship work and last
Getting together with a partner may be easy, but staying together is anything but. So how do you keep a loving relationship alive, and your sexual intensity fully charged? How do you grow as a partnership, rather than grow apart?
'How Two Love' sets out with a bold ambition; to offer the tools and guidance you need to solve these problems, turning the practice of love into an art. 'How Two Love' is a celebration of our relationships, not as a formula, but as a work in progress, messy and complex and wonderful. With a transparency that refreshes, and a lightness that will leave you smiling, internationally respected author and educator Jan Resnick turns his extensive experience of psychotherapy and couples counselling into a series of charmingly recounted stories from his consulting room. He brings together surprisingly connected themes and lessons learned from a career that spans three continents and four decades.
Described as “the book that, now in my sixties, I wish I had read in my twenties”, by psychiatrist and author Richard A. Chefetz, MD, 'How Two Love' doesn’t seek to diagnose or judge. It isn’t a textbook reserved for specialists and professionals. Resnick’s audience is far broader. As Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist and author Nancy McWilliams wrote, 'How Two Love' is for “anyone who has ever been in love, wanted to be in love, lost a love, or suffered for love”.
The first offering in his Meaningful Living Book Series, 'How Two Love' is a powerful and transformative guide made for two, a reminder that, in love, every wound, every mistake, and every missed opportunity is an occasion to heal, to grow and to learn. In its pages, Resnick has deftly created a detailed roadmap, revealing how you can avoid the pitfalls that lead to breakdown and emotional injury; while raising the deeper issues of desire, the loving sexuality of a long-term partnership, and, most importantly, what makes love work over time.
'How Two Love' sets out with a bold ambition; to offer the tools and guidance you need to solve these problems, turning the practice of love into an art. 'How Two Love' is a celebration of our relationships, not as a formula, but as a work in progress, messy and complex and wonderful. With a transparency that refreshes, and a lightness that will leave you smiling, internationally respected author and educator Jan Resnick turns his extensive experience of psychotherapy and couples counselling into a series of charmingly recounted stories from his consulting room. He brings together surprisingly connected themes and lessons learned from a career that spans three continents and four decades.
Described as “the book that, now in my sixties, I wish I had read in my twenties”, by psychiatrist and author Richard A. Chefetz, MD, 'How Two Love' doesn’t seek to diagnose or judge. It isn’t a textbook reserved for specialists and professionals. Resnick’s audience is far broader. As Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist and author Nancy McWilliams wrote, 'How Two Love' is for “anyone who has ever been in love, wanted to be in love, lost a love, or suffered for love”.
The first offering in his Meaningful Living Book Series, 'How Two Love' is a powerful and transformative guide made for two, a reminder that, in love, every wound, every mistake, and every missed opportunity is an occasion to heal, to grow and to learn. In its pages, Resnick has deftly created a detailed roadmap, revealing how you can avoid the pitfalls that lead to breakdown and emotional injury; while raising the deeper issues of desire, the loving sexuality of a long-term partnership, and, most importantly, what makes love work over time.
- GenresNonfiction
290 pages, Paperback
First published May 20, 2016
2 people are currently reading
385 people want to read
About the author
Jan Resnick
2 books16 followersJan Resnick, PhD, is an internationally respected Psychotherapist and couple’s counsellor whose work has spanned four decades, three continents, and has helped hundreds of people connect to what matters most: each other. The Founding President of the Psychotherapists and Counsellors’ Association of Western Australia; founding Director of The Churchill Clinic, a nationally recognised and accredited training organisation; and long-standing member of the Editorial Advisory Panel for the national journal Psychotherapy in Australia, Jan believes in the accessibility of information and support. Jan currently resides in Perth, Western Australia, with his wife Cath and six children.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
July 7, 2016
A fantastic book. Insightful, challenging, helpful and very readable. I found the discussion on the "dialectic of desire" particularly interesting. I really enjoyed that the overall feel of the book is so positive and encouraging. It inspires the belief that mutually satisfying love is an achievable reality.
I am looking forward to putting the lessons learned into practice in the coming years.
I am looking forward to putting the lessons learned into practice in the coming years.
March 27, 2017
I wish I had read this book years ago, how things may have been different in my past relationship. I highly recommend reading this book to anyone and everyone, it's an easy book to read book packed with information and examples. I found it incredibly insightful with many opportunities to reflect upon my own past as well as present relationship and some better understanding of the complexities of love and relationships as a whole. I look forward to reading your next book Jan Resnick.
February 25, 2017
Sometimes the arguments I have with my partner are only resolved when we watch Netflix together. And no I don’t mean ‘Netflix and chill’, I mean actual Netflix. Because occasionally, we see ourselves reflected in the characters on screen.
We see a couple fighting over something similar to our own arguments. Using the same excuses, the same defensive words.
And we realise how ridiculous we sound.
We see the characters fail to understand the motives behind the other partner’s actions. Or even fail to recognise their own motives.
And I realise that he’s not actually mad about the extra hour I spent shopping online before bed, but that he misses me and wants to spend more time together.
We see the lack of forgiveness for honest mistakes or the smallest of betrayals, destroying the relationships of characters who have sometimes literally fought the world to be with each other.
And we realise that sometimes letting go of the small things wins you the bigger reward - your relationship.
Sometimes a character just does something annoying and I jump up and down and shout ‘SEE! SEE! It’s not just me that hates it when people don’t put their shoes away at the end of the day!”
That’s why I think ‘How Two Love’ is amazing.
The author tells stories of real people and relationships throughout the book. People who have come to him as patients from his Psychotherapy practice. And I recognise all of them.
I see myself, my past self, my partner or my past lovers in every character in this book.
I see my destructive patterns of behaviour. And on occasion, I give myself a little gold star for recognising what I have learnt to get right.
How Two Love also gives what Netflix doesn’t. A guide for resolving the fights. For finding my true motivations, and recognising those of my partner. For practicing forgiveness and forbearance. For recovering when I don’t get everything right. And even for walking away if I ever need to.
I would never in a million years be able to convince my partner to see a couples counsellor. And frankly, right now our problems aren’t worthy of that level of intervention. And whilst I have read this book cover to cover, he has only flicked through it.
Yet already so much has improved in our relationship. And those looks of recognition that we used to shoot each other as we watched Netflix - we now experience in our real lives. We recognise when the other has changed their behaviour or made an extra effort because of something we have read in this book. When he has met my shortness with loving words instead of defensive ones. When he acknowledges his own shortcomings. When I make an effort to switch off the TV, phones and tablets and focus on each other.
You can really tell that How Two Love was written by somebody who has spent a lifetime listening to couples argue, cry, break up and reconcile. It’s his way of yelling at the TV: “IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!” Except instead of yelling, he’s calmly pointing it out. And it’s not an axe murdered behind you. But the reason why you suck at relationships.
So now when my friends ask me what I recommend on Netflix I say: read this book instead.
Because if you truly care about your relationships, you won’t leave it in the hands of the writers of Supernatural or The Vampire Diaries.
We see a couple fighting over something similar to our own arguments. Using the same excuses, the same defensive words.
And we realise how ridiculous we sound.
We see the characters fail to understand the motives behind the other partner’s actions. Or even fail to recognise their own motives.
And I realise that he’s not actually mad about the extra hour I spent shopping online before bed, but that he misses me and wants to spend more time together.
We see the lack of forgiveness for honest mistakes or the smallest of betrayals, destroying the relationships of characters who have sometimes literally fought the world to be with each other.
And we realise that sometimes letting go of the small things wins you the bigger reward - your relationship.
Sometimes a character just does something annoying and I jump up and down and shout ‘SEE! SEE! It’s not just me that hates it when people don’t put their shoes away at the end of the day!”
That’s why I think ‘How Two Love’ is amazing.
The author tells stories of real people and relationships throughout the book. People who have come to him as patients from his Psychotherapy practice. And I recognise all of them.
I see myself, my past self, my partner or my past lovers in every character in this book.
I see my destructive patterns of behaviour. And on occasion, I give myself a little gold star for recognising what I have learnt to get right.
How Two Love also gives what Netflix doesn’t. A guide for resolving the fights. For finding my true motivations, and recognising those of my partner. For practicing forgiveness and forbearance. For recovering when I don’t get everything right. And even for walking away if I ever need to.
I would never in a million years be able to convince my partner to see a couples counsellor. And frankly, right now our problems aren’t worthy of that level of intervention. And whilst I have read this book cover to cover, he has only flicked through it.
Yet already so much has improved in our relationship. And those looks of recognition that we used to shoot each other as we watched Netflix - we now experience in our real lives. We recognise when the other has changed their behaviour or made an extra effort because of something we have read in this book. When he has met my shortness with loving words instead of defensive ones. When he acknowledges his own shortcomings. When I make an effort to switch off the TV, phones and tablets and focus on each other.
You can really tell that How Two Love was written by somebody who has spent a lifetime listening to couples argue, cry, break up and reconcile. It’s his way of yelling at the TV: “IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!” Except instead of yelling, he’s calmly pointing it out. And it’s not an axe murdered behind you. But the reason why you suck at relationships.
So now when my friends ask me what I recommend on Netflix I say: read this book instead.
Because if you truly care about your relationships, you won’t leave it in the hands of the writers of Supernatural or The Vampire Diaries.
June 30, 2025
An insightful and wise examination of love.
July 1, 2020
Absolutely brilliant. Love the quotes, love the injections of humour throughout. Exquisitely written, so rich with insight and wisdom and in depth in a practical, matter of fact way. I love the parts about sexual intimacy the most because this is the stuff that doesn’t usually get spoken about but it’s so important that it does. It’s a real gift to the world, love the personal notes and the sharing of such a sacred moment between yourself and your wife is beautiful. It has awoken something within me, and within my marriage as we have unexpectedly, reached a new level of communication and intimacy together, thank you to Jan Resnick.
April 22, 2019
A book I wish I'd read in my twenties or thirties, a truly wise book on relationships. As with any self help book it is useful as a tool and for reflection. A great winter read, enjoy
May 29, 2019
This is the best book about relationships that I have ever read. Quite insightful and easy to follow.
May 25, 2023
Enlightening and insightful, I listened to this audiobook while I did my chores and might I say it's been an absolute delight. It's made me realise what I could do to personally improve my relationship, see it from the other point of view of my partner from the various stories of different couples in this book and the ways to well - love better truly. I feel the effects immediately and I'm really happy I borrowed the audiobook from the borrow box apl of my local library. Highly recommend it for other couples who want to love better in their relationships, I've recommended it to my own partner as well haha! <3
I feel like I have a much better grasp on how to handle past, current and future conflicts after listening to this book. I feel relieved and calmed to hear so many different similar and different experiences others have had. How fascinating, thank you!
I feel like I have a much better grasp on how to handle past, current and future conflicts after listening to this book. I feel relieved and calmed to hear so many different similar and different experiences others have had. How fascinating, thank you!
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews