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The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life
“A Warmly Empathic, Wide-Ranging Manual” – Kirkus Reviews"This valuable unbiased book skillfully shows readers how to stop fretting over the choice and take time to make the right one. –Blue Ink Starred Review and Notable BookFeatured in The Washington Post and The New York TimesBaby or Childfree? Which will it Be?Is this decision keeping you up at night? Do you feel terrified you will regret your decision? Are you paralyzed by this high-stakes choice?
Now you can get off the fence and get on with your life. Imagine your relief when you discover the right choice and break free from obsession. Picture yourself enjoying the pleasures of parenthood or the freedom and spontaneity of living childfree.
The Baby Decision is a powerful, unbiased guidebook by a professional coach/psychotherapist who has specialized in the topic for forty years.
With wisdom, depth and humor Merle will help you take this overwhelming decision and break it down into a digestible sequence of five steps.
During this discovery process you
Dissolve fear and doubt.Use thirty visualization exercises and thought experiments to uncover your answer.Have deep talks with your partner, even if you disagree.Resist pressures from family and friends, and fully consider the rewards of the childfree choice.Learn the latest on one-child families, single, LGBTQI+ and older parents, fertility and adoption.Steal a few benefits from the opposite choice.Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW is a psychotherapist, coach and workshop leader. Although she enjoyed raising her daughters, she has been a childfree advocate since 1978. She has contributed to Our Bodies Ourselves, The Boston Globe Magazine, Glamour, Self and Brides and has appeared on national news, talk show, and documentaries.
Please see her Author Page for more information and to visit her blog for free advice and resources.
Discover your personal answer to the baby question. Click “Play” on the Audible sample or “Look Inside” to preview the book.
Now you can get off the fence and get on with your life. Imagine your relief when you discover the right choice and break free from obsession. Picture yourself enjoying the pleasures of parenthood or the freedom and spontaneity of living childfree.
The Baby Decision is a powerful, unbiased guidebook by a professional coach/psychotherapist who has specialized in the topic for forty years.
With wisdom, depth and humor Merle will help you take this overwhelming decision and break it down into a digestible sequence of five steps.
During this discovery process you
Dissolve fear and doubt.Use thirty visualization exercises and thought experiments to uncover your answer.Have deep talks with your partner, even if you disagree.Resist pressures from family and friends, and fully consider the rewards of the childfree choice.Learn the latest on one-child families, single, LGBTQI+ and older parents, fertility and adoption.Steal a few benefits from the opposite choice.Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW is a psychotherapist, coach and workshop leader. Although she enjoyed raising her daughters, she has been a childfree advocate since 1978. She has contributed to Our Bodies Ourselves, The Boston Globe Magazine, Glamour, Self and Brides and has appeared on national news, talk show, and documentaries.
Please see her Author Page for more information and to visit her blog for free advice and resources.
Discover your personal answer to the baby question. Click “Play” on the Audible sample or “Look Inside” to preview the book.
464 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 1, 1981
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 223 reviews
February 9, 2020
Three quarters of the way through reading this book, my husband and I took my eight-year-old niece to Chuck E. Cheese. Amid the chaos, screaming, dirtiness, and overstimulation, we exchanged panic-stricken looks and he gravely declared, “This confirms everything” 😂 I immediately felt I did not need to finish this book after all. But as time went on, we adjusted to this sugary, sticky, shiny foreign landscape and acknowledged we didn’t have to participate in everything. We had fun. This book serves as a terrific resource for the overthinking potential parent, the one who wants to not have regret either way, but the book begins by making you aware that there will be tinges of regret regardless, and you need to make peace with that and mourn the loss of the alternative reality. I sought research to help untangle if resistance and apprehension to parenthood is fear-based (pregnancy and birth disinterest and scare the shit out of me) or rooted in the discomfort of rebuffing our pronatalist culture and a large part of the human experience that I, as a woman, was told I was going to have since birth, essentially. The book contains activities to help you identify your values and the aspects of life that truly bring you joy and fulfillment and whether or not a child would enhance those or eliminate them, but acknowledges that regardless, a child will surely complicate them.
May 5, 2026
This book was a real gamechanger for me. For more than a year, I had been struggling with this decision. Having come to an age where my tactic of 'all I need to know is what I want right now' did not work anymore, panic and anxiety had gradually taken over, to the point where it was suffocating me and my relationship.
When I started reading this book and doing the exercises, I took it very seriously. I would sit down and actually do the exercices, talking out loud, being very open and honest with myself, allowing my true feelings to surface even though that was scary and took some courage. Afterwards, I took notes of every exercise I did and what my findings were. I honestly think it is the only way to get true value out of this book. Only reading it won't have the effect of really showing you the way towards your own correct decision. The book is really a tool that you use in order to access the truth that is hiding inside yourself, covered beneath layers of anxiety, pressure and insecurity.
I really liked that it was hands-on. As soon as I started reading this book and doing the exercises, I felt better already. I felt like I had a support to guide me through this difficult but actually very interesting process. I felt less alone. Now, it was only a matter of grinding my way through this process step by step, guided by the book, and there would be light at the end of it.
I liked that in the beginning of the book, the following was made clear: you can either make a safety decision or a growth decision. A safety decision is one where you don't face your fears and is easier in the short term but is less likely to make you happy in the long term. A growth decision is the opposite: you have to face your fears which is not easy and takes some courage, but you make a conscious decision, acknowledgeing all the pros and cons and going for it, knowing and accepting the sacrifices and compromises you'll have to make and being confident about all the good things this decision will bring you. Examples are given for both, and on either outcome.
This brings me to another thing that I really liked about this book: it is very unbiased towards either outcome. The author makes it very clear that this is a personal decision and that the only right decision is the one that is right for you. Bombardieri is a therapist and so has had a lot of clients that she guided through this process. She uses their experiences to give examples of how the exercises helped other people gain valuable insights into their feelings and values. For each example of a pro-parent decision, she gives another of a pro-childfree decision and vice versa. I really liked that. It really shows you that either decision is a valid one, as long as it is yours.
Another huge takeaway for me was the following advice: whatever choice you make, there will be regrets. This is inherently part of decision-making. You cut yourself off from a path that you did not choose. But you have to make the choice that you will regret the least. Once you can understand and accept the loss, you can mourn it and then move forward with your life and all the opportunities that your choice will offer you. If you made the right choice, your regrets will only be mild and occasional.
The good thing about doing one exercise after the other is that it really helps you untangle the mess of indecision, by breaking the dilemma up into smaller aspects to investigate within yourself. Aspects you might not even have thought of, such as: what if you could have only the pregnancy and birthgiving part and skip the parenthood, would you like that? Or what if you could have the benefits of having children without the burdens of household and organization? It helps you clarify how you feel and what your values are. Going through the exercises, I had a couple of very profound epiphanies that eventually helped me towards making a decision that I am confident and happy with.
A few criticisms of this book (hence why I didn't give it the full 5 stars):
- it is very US-centered. Of course this makes sense since the author is American, but as a non-American reader it is important to take this into account. Being a parent in the US is a lot harder than in many European countries because the support system is lacking a lot more, which makes it a bigger financial and emotional burden compared to other places in the world. Also, the practical information about fertility treatments and adoption is mostly suited for an American audience.
- I thought it lacked a chapter about egg freezing and about abortion. How can freezing your eggs help/affect your decision making process? And what with abortion? How to deal with that possibility after making either the childfree or the parent choice? I think there is some valuable information to be added regarding these topics.
But overall, I am very grateful to the author for writing this book because it truly made a huge difference in my life.
When I started reading this book and doing the exercises, I took it very seriously. I would sit down and actually do the exercices, talking out loud, being very open and honest with myself, allowing my true feelings to surface even though that was scary and took some courage. Afterwards, I took notes of every exercise I did and what my findings were. I honestly think it is the only way to get true value out of this book. Only reading it won't have the effect of really showing you the way towards your own correct decision. The book is really a tool that you use in order to access the truth that is hiding inside yourself, covered beneath layers of anxiety, pressure and insecurity.
I really liked that it was hands-on. As soon as I started reading this book and doing the exercises, I felt better already. I felt like I had a support to guide me through this difficult but actually very interesting process. I felt less alone. Now, it was only a matter of grinding my way through this process step by step, guided by the book, and there would be light at the end of it.
I liked that in the beginning of the book, the following was made clear: you can either make a safety decision or a growth decision. A safety decision is one where you don't face your fears and is easier in the short term but is less likely to make you happy in the long term. A growth decision is the opposite: you have to face your fears which is not easy and takes some courage, but you make a conscious decision, acknowledgeing all the pros and cons and going for it, knowing and accepting the sacrifices and compromises you'll have to make and being confident about all the good things this decision will bring you. Examples are given for both, and on either outcome.
This brings me to another thing that I really liked about this book: it is very unbiased towards either outcome. The author makes it very clear that this is a personal decision and that the only right decision is the one that is right for you. Bombardieri is a therapist and so has had a lot of clients that she guided through this process. She uses their experiences to give examples of how the exercises helped other people gain valuable insights into their feelings and values. For each example of a pro-parent decision, she gives another of a pro-childfree decision and vice versa. I really liked that. It really shows you that either decision is a valid one, as long as it is yours.
Another huge takeaway for me was the following advice: whatever choice you make, there will be regrets. This is inherently part of decision-making. You cut yourself off from a path that you did not choose. But you have to make the choice that you will regret the least. Once you can understand and accept the loss, you can mourn it and then move forward with your life and all the opportunities that your choice will offer you. If you made the right choice, your regrets will only be mild and occasional.
The good thing about doing one exercise after the other is that it really helps you untangle the mess of indecision, by breaking the dilemma up into smaller aspects to investigate within yourself. Aspects you might not even have thought of, such as: what if you could have only the pregnancy and birthgiving part and skip the parenthood, would you like that? Or what if you could have the benefits of having children without the burdens of household and organization? It helps you clarify how you feel and what your values are. Going through the exercises, I had a couple of very profound epiphanies that eventually helped me towards making a decision that I am confident and happy with.
A few criticisms of this book (hence why I didn't give it the full 5 stars):
- it is very US-centered. Of course this makes sense since the author is American, but as a non-American reader it is important to take this into account. Being a parent in the US is a lot harder than in many European countries because the support system is lacking a lot more, which makes it a bigger financial and emotional burden compared to other places in the world. Also, the practical information about fertility treatments and adoption is mostly suited for an American audience.
- I thought it lacked a chapter about egg freezing and about abortion. How can freezing your eggs help/affect your decision making process? And what with abortion? How to deal with that possibility after making either the childfree or the parent choice? I think there is some valuable information to be added regarding these topics.
But overall, I am very grateful to the author for writing this book because it truly made a huge difference in my life.
Read
September 30, 2020I read the sections relevant to me, and would say that I enjoyed the questions. I am childfree, but wanted to read this to see if any part of me could be open to kids, and to give the other choice it's full weight and attention. It didn't help me "confirm" my decision (because my decision was already firm), but it was nice to see how to navigate differing opinions without the initial thought of "not on the same page from day 1? LEAVE. Not even worth discussing."
The book also helped me evaluate my feelings towards pregnancy, something I wasn't expecting but was pleasantly surprised by.
Overall, I found this book to be very unbiased and fair. As a childfree person, perspectives are often written very rudely towards us, and I found this to be very open and respectful. It validates both choices as good options.
The book also helped me evaluate my feelings towards pregnancy, something I wasn't expecting but was pleasantly surprised by.
Overall, I found this book to be very unbiased and fair. As a childfree person, perspectives are often written very rudely towards us, and I found this to be very open and respectful. It validates both choices as good options.
October 8, 2022
"The very fact that you are conflicted about the baby issue suggests that you have potential to find satisfaction in either choice."
This book was exactly what I needed. Written by a therapist, you can tell that shes dealt with many many couples in similar positions and understands the deep feelings involved.
It's so hard to find books about choosing the childfree life and surprisingly this book was very unbiased either way. Merle went into the upsides and downsides of both choices, misconceptions, the risks and she provided exercises to help you understand what you truly want.
I loved it and am so glad I read it! I feel so much more content with our decision after reading it. Highly recommend if you're unsure!
This book was exactly what I needed. Written by a therapist, you can tell that shes dealt with many many couples in similar positions and understands the deep feelings involved.
It's so hard to find books about choosing the childfree life and surprisingly this book was very unbiased either way. Merle went into the upsides and downsides of both choices, misconceptions, the risks and she provided exercises to help you understand what you truly want.
I loved it and am so glad I read it! I feel so much more content with our decision after reading it. Highly recommend if you're unsure!
April 7, 2026
Impressively unbiased and went through every possible iteration and consideration in deciding to have a kid. Highly recommend if kids are something you are thinking about and have conflicting feelings on!
For me personally, it reaffirmed that yes, I do want kids, but am not in a place where I want them right now (Michael and I have always thought this and thankfully stay aligned). The chapters at the end touched on timing, and I appreciated the perspectives on reasons to delay vs excuses (from fear). I loved the chapter on the importance of not losing sight of your hobbies/interests/identity outside of being a mom, and how maintaining those will actually help you show up even better for your kids.
Good read!!
For me personally, it reaffirmed that yes, I do want kids, but am not in a place where I want them right now (Michael and I have always thought this and thankfully stay aligned). The chapters at the end touched on timing, and I appreciated the perspectives on reasons to delay vs excuses (from fear). I loved the chapter on the importance of not losing sight of your hobbies/interests/identity outside of being a mom, and how maintaining those will actually help you show up even better for your kids.
Good read!!
February 19, 2023
A fairly modern and empowering guide to genuinely entertain the question, tease it away from the myriad of internalized and external pressures and expectations associated with whether or not to have children, and reassurance that conscious, thoughtful decisions will almost certainly lead you to happiness regardless.
Removed a star for a sorely lacking adoption section, which had very little (if anything…) in the way of research on adoptee success, our awful adoption-for-profit system in the US, and how supporting biological families in successful reunification is the best outcome in most situations, at least according to the research and adoptee-led discussions I am aware of.
Also did not address larger ethical questions relating to the state of the world we’re living in, and how to grapple with it amidst the baby decision. Maybe a tall order, but only reference to “people concerned with overpopulation” seems like a huge miss, at least for many millennials like me.
Removed a star for a sorely lacking adoption section, which had very little (if anything…) in the way of research on adoptee success, our awful adoption-for-profit system in the US, and how supporting biological families in successful reunification is the best outcome in most situations, at least according to the research and adoptee-led discussions I am aware of.
Also did not address larger ethical questions relating to the state of the world we’re living in, and how to grapple with it amidst the baby decision. Maybe a tall order, but only reference to “people concerned with overpopulation” seems like a huge miss, at least for many millennials like me.
May 21, 2024
Fantastic all encompassing book to help fellow fence sitters. Bombardieri is clearly an excellent social worker, she writes with such compassion. She made sure to include something for every type of parent (LGBTQ, working parents, older parents etc) but the most compassionate portions were for those that that struggle with fertility/are childfree post-infertility.
I loved how she keeps reminding the reader that:
1. Whatever choice you decide on, you will still have some regret, we are human after all!
2. You owe yourself the introspection and work of making a decision.
Did this book make me suddenly decide that my brain will pump enough oxytocin to make staying home with a baby be as fun as enjoying a punk show 4 beers in with my friends on a random tuesday? no. But it did remind me that a non-decision is a cop out, and that I owe it to myself to utilize tools to learn about myself to make an informed decision. (and also that a baby is not a death sentence, it's only a lame baby for a couple of years and then you can take them to the all ages punk show)
I loved how she keeps reminding the reader that:
1. Whatever choice you decide on, you will still have some regret, we are human after all!
2. You owe yourself the introspection and work of making a decision.
Did this book make me suddenly decide that my brain will pump enough oxytocin to make staying home with a baby be as fun as enjoying a punk show 4 beers in with my friends on a random tuesday? no. But it did remind me that a non-decision is a cop out, and that I owe it to myself to utilize tools to learn about myself to make an informed decision. (and also that a baby is not a death sentence, it's only a lame baby for a couple of years and then you can take them to the all ages punk show)
June 18, 2023
Bringing a human into this world, let alone raising them, seems like such an insanely big decision that it seems miraculous anyone makes it. For some people it just happens, I guess, and for others a choice must be actively made. And that's where this book is a life-saver.
Bombardieri guides the reader through all the steps of coming to an informed decision and helps them understand their own motives and feelings better. I felt really supported by the neutral, non-judgemental and gentle tone of the author. As she points out, deciding means 'cutting away' the other option, and there is always regret that comes with that. This is normal and doesn't make it the wrong decision. This is something I really needed to hear and helped me realise that the choice I want to make is the right one, and doubts are normal.
Thank you to Bombardieri for the helpful advice, and to the friend who recommended this book to me <3
Bombardieri guides the reader through all the steps of coming to an informed decision and helps them understand their own motives and feelings better. I felt really supported by the neutral, non-judgemental and gentle tone of the author. As she points out, deciding means 'cutting away' the other option, and there is always regret that comes with that. This is normal and doesn't make it the wrong decision. This is something I really needed to hear and helped me realise that the choice I want to make is the right one, and doubts are normal.
Thank you to Bombardieri for the helpful advice, and to the friend who recommended this book to me <3
May 27, 2025
it feels awkward putting this on my goodreads but i read it so it COUNTS TOWARD MY GOAL.
this book was INCREDIBLE. extremely relatable, very unbiased. being mid-20s and having been married for a few years, this is a very relevant conversation i’ve been having with many people in my life. i accidentally found this book and i would recommend to ANYONE.
this book was INCREDIBLE. extremely relatable, very unbiased. being mid-20s and having been married for a few years, this is a very relevant conversation i’ve been having with many people in my life. i accidentally found this book and i would recommend to ANYONE.
July 18, 2021
Unbiased with good list of references.
I did not find the exercises useful and it doesn't magically walk you to a final decision - duh! but I feel I know a bit more about myself in the context of this decision after finishing the book.
I did not find the exercises useful and it doesn't magically walk you to a final decision - duh! but I feel I know a bit more about myself in the context of this decision after finishing the book.
March 21, 2025
Definitely recommend for anyone that doesn’t “just know” what they want regarding having a child! I really liked how the offer presented straight facts about both sides, without an implicit prenatal bias, despite being a mother herself. I think the visual and mental exercise exercises are so necessary and whilst many people, unfortunately, make a passive choice because they think they are supposed to or because they don’t want to think about it and then it’s too late, the author really emphasizes the importance of making an informed decision as opposed to a non-decision (waiting for an accidental pregnancy or waiting until it’s too late) either way. As a 34-year-old who is pretty sure I don’t want children, as does my husband, this book gave us more clarity and more to think about regarding a solid decision. OOOOF mid 30s are weird.
August 20, 2023
This is tough to rate on Goodreads because I'm not sure if it is meant to be read cover to cover (or, at least, if I would recommend that others read it cover to cover). At times, it felt like it was intended to be a cover to cover read, in that the author made some sections more narrative. However, overall, this felt more like a manual than a sit-down-and-enjoy-reading sort of book. As a result, for me, this was dry and really dragged on. Relatedly, I should admit/note that while I read the first 1/3 closely and read up to about the halfway point with care, I did skim pretty much the entire last half.
All that being said, this book did it's job in that it gave me a lot to think about, and I was emotional/teary while reading sections of it! I am looking forward to discussing it in the book club I read it for.
I especially appreciated the chapter on what to do when partners disagree about having kids. The section on the layered and complex emotions one might feel after they get pregnant following infertility helped me understand other folks' experiences better. So, overall this was thought-provoking, I just think I would have preferred to read something a little less dry, more narrative, or more like a personal/explanatory essay sort of vibe. Of course, just personal preference. But, given this, while it was thought-provoking, I'm not sure I could see myself recommending the whole book to people (but individual chapters, yes!).
Another note: I didn't like that queer families were under "alternative parenting," but, alas.
All that being said, this book did it's job in that it gave me a lot to think about, and I was emotional/teary while reading sections of it! I am looking forward to discussing it in the book club I read it for.
I especially appreciated the chapter on what to do when partners disagree about having kids. The section on the layered and complex emotions one might feel after they get pregnant following infertility helped me understand other folks' experiences better. So, overall this was thought-provoking, I just think I would have preferred to read something a little less dry, more narrative, or more like a personal/explanatory essay sort of vibe. Of course, just personal preference. But, given this, while it was thought-provoking, I'm not sure I could see myself recommending the whole book to people (but individual chapters, yes!).
Another note: I didn't like that queer families were under "alternative parenting," but, alas.
January 26, 2025
Phenomenal book. A balanced perspective on one of the greatest decisions of people’s lives, and one that is complicated when placed in context of “traditional” society.
Pleasantly surprised at the many take aways and considerations, lenses, the exercises, and resources discussed.
A must read for people like me who are classified as “fence sitters.” The book may not lead you to revelation but certainly will put whatever is swirling in your mind into perspective.
Pleasantly surprised at the many take aways and considerations, lenses, the exercises, and resources discussed.
A must read for people like me who are classified as “fence sitters.” The book may not lead you to revelation but certainly will put whatever is swirling in your mind into perspective.
May 23, 2026
4.5! I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is spooked to have a baby like I am lol. Was super neutral and informative and it helped me be a little less afraid <3
September 10, 2019
The book is very helpful in raising multiple questions and aspects of both childfree and parenting options, and the exercises are quite useful, as long as you commit to them. It did make me reflect on things I haven't considered, but overall I feel the bar was set pretty low. I have no comparison because it's the only book on this subject I read, but I felt it lacked depth in many important reflections. Perhaps the goal of the author was to cast a broad net and raise initial questions, and she does it well, but the book is certainly not enough - at least for me. It is, however, a good starting point.
August 26, 2022
Well organized and thoughtful book. I appreciated that the author didn’t put a value judgment on either choice, remaining child-free or having children. The exercises were balanced for different types of couples and different life paths. It was helpful to work through the exercises and to work through my feelings. Great book for decision making for an anxious person.
July 15, 2024
I bought this book after I read about its existence in a french book who questions parenthood (it's
Le temps du choix: Etre ou ne pas être mère
if french speaking people want to look into it - it's a great book) and I thought it would be THE perfect book to help me finalise my own "baby decision" as I've been quite undecided these past months...
What it helped me uncover was that I probably had (mostly) decided what to do in regards to that issue before reading the book, however, it reassured me in many ways - about my fertility (I mean a book can't substitute a doctor but being 35 at the moment, I kinda thought that my fertility was suddenly going downhill so it helped to just read that even now, I can still probably conceive if I want to) and mostly also about the fact that no matter what, some regrets will remain, and you can never really be 100% sure about something because, well, we're human.
It also provides many exercices, in form of visualisations or role playing that help envision most aspects of parenthood or childfree life. It covers many aspects of life with/without a child, so it's very useful if you're looking for that.
I liked the fact that it really felt unbiased and kinda neutral - the author never seems to promote one way of living or another. However the book is very USA centred and many of the resources at the end will not help if you're outside the US.
Also, you can read it from front to back, but it can also be read however you like it. I read it almost twice, the first time from front to back, and a second time skimming through and really re-reading the passages that appealed to me most.
All in all, a very interesting book if you're undecided about having a child or not!
What it helped me uncover was that I probably had (mostly) decided what to do in regards to that issue before reading the book, however, it reassured me in many ways - about my fertility (I mean a book can't substitute a doctor but being 35 at the moment, I kinda thought that my fertility was suddenly going downhill so it helped to just read that even now, I can still probably conceive if I want to) and mostly also about the fact that no matter what, some regrets will remain, and you can never really be 100% sure about something because, well, we're human.
It also provides many exercices, in form of visualisations or role playing that help envision most aspects of parenthood or childfree life. It covers many aspects of life with/without a child, so it's very useful if you're looking for that.
I liked the fact that it really felt unbiased and kinda neutral - the author never seems to promote one way of living or another. However the book is very USA centred and many of the resources at the end will not help if you're outside the US.
Also, you can read it from front to back, but it can also be read however you like it. I read it almost twice, the first time from front to back, and a second time skimming through and really re-reading the passages that appealed to me most.
All in all, a very interesting book if you're undecided about having a child or not!
June 10, 2026
With one month till my baby is due, I finished this book. It’s been on my shelf for a few years, and I’ve scanned it, but thought I ought to actually get through it. In fact it was still helpful even though I’ve made the decision to have one baby. It’s helped me understand and talk to others about how they’ve made their decisions, helped me know what to do now that I’ve made my decision, and helped me to remember that I’ve decided to have one baby, not children. Deciding whether or not to have two children will be a totally separate decision.
What’s wild is that most people I talk to (with children or planning on having children) have admitted that they never made the decision, it was just what they did. Arguably the most life altering experience one can have, and most people aren’t really thinking about if they should do it. I think making the decision intentionally would change so much about your outlook on raising a family. Your country, your family, your religion, your carelessness paired with your hormones, are making this decision typically. This should be a personal decision, even if the answer to the question is the same.
What’s wild is that most people I talk to (with children or planning on having children) have admitted that they never made the decision, it was just what they did. Arguably the most life altering experience one can have, and most people aren’t really thinking about if they should do it. I think making the decision intentionally would change so much about your outlook on raising a family. Your country, your family, your religion, your carelessness paired with your hormones, are making this decision typically. This should be a personal decision, even if the answer to the question is the same.
March 16, 2025
Incredibly thought provoking and helpful. Regardless of whether you’re considering a child-free life or parenthood, this book offered so many thought exercises and potential scenarios to determine what’s important to YOU. I loved the author’s sentiment that in reality, no matter what choice you make, you will have some regrets - that’s just life. But taking ownership of the actual decision will empower you to accept those minor regrets, while knowing you made the right choice for you. Own it!
I also really appreciated that there was no bias towards one choice being better than the other. The author presented the facts - there are things you will gain, and things you will give up, with either choice. Highly recommend!
I also really appreciated that there was no bias towards one choice being better than the other. The author presented the facts - there are things you will gain, and things you will give up, with either choice. Highly recommend!
September 22, 2025
3.75. Erittäin kattava ja hyödyllinen kirja niin niille, jotka ei tiedä mitä haluaa mutta myös niille jotka ajattelee olevansa kohtuuvarmoja asiasta. Tää kannattaa lukea fyysisesti, sillä tää on täynnä hyviä harjoituksia ja kysymyksiä, mitä varmasti jää pohtimaan pidempäänkin. Suurin osa näist harjoituksista olis sopinut myös kaikkiin isoihin päätöksiin, joten silläkin kulmalla yllättävän monipuolinen. Loppujen lopuks tää oli kuitenkin jo ehkä vähän liiankin tiivis kokonaisuus, olisin voinut lukea vähän polveilevampaakin tekstiä tai filosofista puolta asioista.
January 25, 2024
A helpful but somewhat outdated view on how to decide if you should have a child. Helped implement thought provoking and honest discussions about the benefits and drawbacks to all aspects of this decision.
December 23, 2025
I found this book so helpful in considering things I never would have thought of while trying to decide to try for a child or not. It was objective and non pushy in either direction.
January 27, 2023
Amazing non-biased approach that really helps you think through the decision. Honestly, everyone should read it, even if you think you are 100% sure of your decision. People don't think through enough before making such an important decision that will change your life forever.
I'm still not 100% sure of any decision after the book but it really helped be think it through and consider a few important things that will weigh in.
I'm still not 100% sure of any decision after the book but it really helped be think it through and consider a few important things that will weigh in.
July 31, 2024
This book was full of stuff I’ve already been thinking about, which was nice! The author made an important point over and over that those who judge or try to convince one way or another have some insecurity about their own choice. I’m going to be thinking about that for a while.
February 18, 2025
Great book. Written in a clear, and objective way. Definitely recommend to read alone or with a partner to figure things out.
December 4, 2023
Ich finde die Autorin hat hier ein wirklich gutes, ausführliches und feinfühliges Buch zusammengestellt, das sehr hilfreich sein kann, wenn man gerne noch Anregungen haben möchte um sich mit dieser Entscheidung zu befassen. Es enthält auch viele "Übungen" zur eigenen Reflexion und zur gemeinsamen Reflexion mit dem Partner/der Partnerin. Das Buch bleibt dabei absolut neutral, sowohl das Leben mit Kindern als auch das Leben ohne eigene Kinder werden hier als gleichwertig schöne Entscheidungen betrachtet.
Auch alternative Familienformen, Single-Parenting und Themen wie Unfruchtbarkeit und Adoption werden angesprochen
Auch alternative Familienformen, Single-Parenting und Themen wie Unfruchtbarkeit und Adoption werden angesprochen
June 22, 2025
The content is well researched and laid out to think about parenthood or child free from many situations, points of view and possibilities. At the core, reflection and communication practices in this book could be used for other big decisions.
March 23, 2021
This book attempts to provide an unbiased set of resources to help make the decision about whether or not to have kids.
It provides a many useful and detailed activities to help you to introspect and think more specifically about what you value and life. There are also activities to help better understand how a baby would fit into your current schedule and deciding how much you could be/would be willing to adjust for the baby. For example, could some of your favorite hobbies/activities be modified to accommodate a baby, or a least a young child?
The books also has chapters on dealing with friends/relatives who may or may not be supportive of one's decision. The book also discusses what to do once you have made your final decision, such as having a child as an older parent, adoption, in-vitro fertilization, and permanent sterilization (if deciding not to have kids).
One small thing that might be helpful to add would have been a chapter or section on how people who are dating in a new relationship can navigate these issues with new partners. For example, if one partner is sure they want kids eventually but the other partner is sure they do not, it may be better to discuss and decide whether there's any way they can move forward with the relationship.
Overall, the book is really useful.
It provides a many useful and detailed activities to help you to introspect and think more specifically about what you value and life. There are also activities to help better understand how a baby would fit into your current schedule and deciding how much you could be/would be willing to adjust for the baby. For example, could some of your favorite hobbies/activities be modified to accommodate a baby, or a least a young child?
The books also has chapters on dealing with friends/relatives who may or may not be supportive of one's decision. The book also discusses what to do once you have made your final decision, such as having a child as an older parent, adoption, in-vitro fertilization, and permanent sterilization (if deciding not to have kids).
One small thing that might be helpful to add would have been a chapter or section on how people who are dating in a new relationship can navigate these issues with new partners. For example, if one partner is sure they want kids eventually but the other partner is sure they do not, it may be better to discuss and decide whether there's any way they can move forward with the relationship.
Overall, the book is really useful.
June 24, 2022
This book was recommended on the fencesitters and childfree subreddits. I always used to tell everyone that I was never having children. As I got older, I decided I wanted to be like my Aunt who traveled all the time, had all these adventures, and nothing to hold her back.
After getting married I was still on the fence. Losing both my parents brought a different perspective. I bought this book and started doing the exercises, I talked out loud, I highlighted sentences, and brought up questions and scenarios to my spouse.
I would say this helped immensely. I believe I’m now ready to get off the fence and make a decision.
After getting married I was still on the fence. Losing both my parents brought a different perspective. I bought this book and started doing the exercises, I talked out loud, I highlighted sentences, and brought up questions and scenarios to my spouse.
I would say this helped immensely. I believe I’m now ready to get off the fence and make a decision.
December 1, 2020
I found this book to be unbiased on either side of the baby discussion and very educational, beyond making a decision about a baby. Would recommend to anyone planning or not planning to have a child.
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