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149 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 27, 2017
Have you ever done the splits trying to be a stripper named Gigi Fontaine while dancing to Britney with moves you learned from a Paula Abdul exercise VHS tape in the nineties after having four shots of Jager?Then the story wrapped up with the actual wedding, which was both touching and a complete train wreck, if judged by what happens at traditional weddings. (Just picture any family dinner scene with a Bear freak out from BOATK.) Truly nothing short of epic.
Me too.

Sandy wasn’t just my best friend. He was my brother, my sister, my self-esteem. He was my biggest critic and my biggest supporter. He would kill for me. He would die for me. He would scratch a motherfucker’s eyes out if they tried and fuck with me. He’d do anything for me, and I’d do the same for him.
He sighed and turned his head slightly, brushing his lips against my neck briefly. “This isn’t an ending.”
“It isn’t?”
“No. This is a beginning, Paul. For you and Vince. You’ve found something I’ve always wished for you. You’ve found the one person you’re meant to be with, and I know with all of my heart that you two will be the happiest you could possibly be.” He stood up straight and leaned over to bump his shoulder with mine. “And I’m gonna be there every step of the way.”
“Yeah?” I said, feeling extraordinarily relieved.
“You think you can get rid of me?” he asked, cocking a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “I’ve got my hooks into you, Paul. I have for years. You couldn’t escape from me, no matter how hard you tried. And on the off chance that you do, you best believe I will drag you back kicking and screaming and will shove a ball gag in your mouth while I make you my bitch. Understand?”
“He’s fighting it,” Helena told Corey. “You know how Bruce Banner fights the Hulk. It’s like that, only sexier.”
“I’m on board for this, let me tell you,” Corey said. “You don’t even need to worry about that. This whole train wreck? Sign me the fuck up.”
“Whatever,” I said, fighting the urge to flip my hair sexily. “It ain’t no thang. I don’t got no ish, a’ight?”
“Whoa,” Corey said. “That escalated rather quickly.”
“It’s beginning,” Helena said gleefully. “He still thinks he can repel the urge, but it’s already too late.”
“Oh my God,” Corey moaned. “I have never been more happy to be alive than I am right at this moment.”

Dearly beloved...

"It's real, Paul. It'll always be real."
I had entered the limo as Paul Auster, insurance claims adjuster, fiancé of Vince Taylor.
I had exited as a sex machine.











"You're a little weird."
He shrugged. "Probably. But that's okay. Being a little weird got me you, so I don't really care about that sort of thing."
I knew, just like everyone else, that wearing sunglasses at night immediately made a person at least forty-two percent hotter than if they went without them.

"Whoa," I said as I immediately posed because I was too legit to quit. "Hey guys. Sexy Paul is here. You're welcome."
People cheered at that. Of course they did. I was amazing.



While Britney shrieked her sixy siren call, I did the one thing a man of my size should not be able to do.
I dropped into the splits, sinking down until my crotch touched the floor, my face right between Vince's legs.