How to Be a Writer: Who smashes deadlines, crushes editors and lives in a solid gold hovercraft

by John Birmingham

‘Beauty is good, but coin is better. You can't eat artistic integrity. It tastes like sawdust.’

This gonzo guide is a lesson in the practicalities of writing: how to be productive, professional and maybe one day even pay the rent.

Topics covered include ‘How to slay writer’s block’, ‘What the hell is workflow?’, ‘How to write 10,000 words in a day’ and ‘The best apps for writers’.

How to Be a Writer is a kick-arse writing guide with a tough-love approach, written for the internet generation. John Birmingham is lauded as a prolific writer working across multiple genres. Here he shares his secrets. And some hard-core, real-world practical advice. And a few excellent descriptions of explosions.

Genres: Writing, Nonfiction, Reference

255 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 1, 2016

About the author

John Birmingham grew up in Ipswich, Queensland and was educated at St Edmunds Christian Brother's College in Ipswich and the University of Queensland in Brisbane. His only stint of full time employment was as a researcher at the Defence Department. After this he returned to Queensland to study law but he did not complete his legal studies, choosing instead to pursue a career as a writer. He currently lives in Brisbane.

While a law student he was one of the last people arrested under the state's Anti Street March legislation. Birmingham was convicted of displaying a sheet of paper with the words 'Free Speech' written on it in very small type. The local newspaper carried a photograph of him being frogmarched off to a waiting police paddy wagon.

Birmingham has a degree in international relations.

Reviews

[Keith McArdle · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are so many books on the current market, dealing with writing, publishing, marketing and so on. I've read a few of them, but this one is the first which delivers a fantastic, new approach to delivering handy, helpful information across all spectrums of the publishing industry (both traditional and self-publishing). I loved the humour and 'in your face' style JB brings to the table. There's certainly no gently taking a new author's hand and pointing out all the wonders of the new world that is authoring, stopping to offer ooos and aahs at the appropriate moments. Rather, it's a good, sharp slap in the face, some rough shaking of the shoulders, a smack on the back of the head and a 'right, you ready to go? You better be!' type approach, which I found refreshing. If you're an author, or would like to be an author, or are dreaming of possibly one day, far in the future, maybe becoming an author...maybe, then this book is for you! Highly recommended.

[Sharon Terry · Rating 3 out of 5]

I actually read this book for its humour, which is there in spades, although usually accompanied by those short, colourful, Anglo-Saxon words. Birmingham isn't concerned with teaching you "how to write", but with how to write for a living. He starts with a realistic description of freelance writing:

What even is a freelancer? It sounds kind of cool. Like you're some sort of rogue knight, charging around poking things with a big sharpened stick...That's totally what I though freelancing was all about before I, you know, became a freelancer. Then I realised it was more like desperately grubbing out a miserable existence on the fringes of respectable society and selling the occasional bodily organ to make the rent.

Then there are chapters on interviews, writing feature articles, columns and even novels. In this part he also gives tips on work routine, which really boil down to the basic tips any successful worker at anything would give you: plan your working day and avoid distractions! For writers, there's also: don't wait for inspiration. He includes a quote from Jack London: "You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club". I found that one reassuring.

On writer's block, Birmingham quotes Hilary Mantel advising going away from your project and doing something different: "take a walk, take a bath, go to sleep, make a pie, draw, listen to music, meditate, exercise". Anything but sitting at your workstation scowling. Birmingham himself advocates making a change within the project: altering point of view or switching scenes: if one scene is holding you up, leave it and work on another. Actually, little hints and tips are dropped all through the book, so aspiring writers need to lap it all up.

The last part, Making Some Bank, is a "how-to" on financial priorities and pitfalls and covers editing, self-publishing (mainly online) and the importance of not getting sued.

In all, I found this an entertaining guide and refreshing for its upfront emphasis on writing for payment - by a successful author.

[Francene Carroll · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good introduction to the writing life. The advice is solid and there are some fun anecdotes, but it casts its net too wide and comes across as a bit uninspired, as if Birmingham's heart wasn't really in it. I was hoping for something more along the lines of Stephen King's On Writing, and to be fair I don't think that was the intention here, but the comparison is inevitable.

[Travis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential Primer For the Jobbing Hack

Honest, funny, and pragmatic writing advice from a man I once saw projectile vomit across a friend's front lawn. Real nuts and bolts stuff, useful for journos and nascent novelists alike.

[Renée · Rating 4 out of 5]

The structure of this book reflects the structure of the university writing course I did... where John Birmingham was a guest lecturer at one point... so I was not surprised! Very good content, and much cheaper and more efficient than a university degree if you can kick your own ass into gear with the help of just a book, assuming Birmingham speaks your language - a bit belligerent, slightly dubious, and a touch of geek: check, check, check.

There is a degree of luck and talent involved in establishing a successful creative writing career - certainly epic shyte-tonnes of elbow grease is necessary but that alone won't guarantee pay cheques - but hard work is a good place to start if you're to have any hope of ever living in a solid gold hovercraft. This book is a good outline of the self-smashing and other crushinating that's required to establish a freelance journo and/or creative writing career... but I'd add that 10,000 hours of practice probably has to come first for most people - of both writing AND reading - and don't forget that some good networking skills are required as well. It's not just what you know, it's who... which is difficult for many introverted hermits aka writers.

Bonus: How to Be a Writer is entertaining af - a sign of a good writer - so take heed of old man Birmingham and you'll go far... Well, you'll at least go somewhere, which is better than sitting on your lazy ass and going nowhere. HAVE AT IT, KIDS.

[A.M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Goddamit brain. I’m searching in the library catalogue for John Acuff’s How to Finish and I end up borrowing John Birmingham’s How to be a writer.
*eyes narrow* I guess it’s kind of close… but it’s certainly not FINISHING. Is it, brain?!
Never mind… what it IS, is funny, informative and Australian. [You would not believe how rare it is to find a ‘how to’ writing book that is Australia-centric. Our copyright laws are very different just for a start.]
John Birmingham wrote He died with a Felafel in his Hand, a quirky story that became a movie and dozens more things from Rolling Stone articles to tech-thrillers.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172543/
The movie starred Noah Taylor, whom I’m currently watching play Johnny Royalle in Powers… but I digress. [stoopid brain]

Brimingham was often a guest on the First Tuesday Book Club show on ABC. [I LOVED that show and I want it back #saveourabc]
He knows his stuff, and this is a fairly recent publication 2016, so it’s up to date. Ish… But all those coloured cute font headlines are just enormous shouty black caps on my phone.
Sadly, I can’t paste quotes, it’s a library epub, so I’ll try bullet points or type them out when I can’t help myself.
Here goes:
*Try freelancing to train up your writer skills
*Don’t write for free - at least not after the first two or three times
*Collect ideas from everywhere. Ask what if? Mash together those ideas wherever they come from. Olympics+war coverage= hunger games
*Read read read - read MORE than you write
*Writing a novel is a marathon not a sprint
*That ‘lightbulb’ idea will inspire you for days/weeks until it peters out and the words stop flowing because you didn’t plot it out before you wrote it
*Novel planning is different to novel preparation in that planning D-Day was different to actually getting all the troops into position and paying for it all [def vote for Rachel Aaron’s 2k to 10k]
*Do your research on your genre and time period
*Set a daily goal. Start with 1500 with a stretch goal of 10k.
*Nail down your writing routine [it’s clear that he’d love to be Hunter S Thompson … but nobody can, not without - I want to say - dying]

If you don’t have any commitments - bills to pay, bookies to avoid - if you’re in the happy situation of answering only to yourself, congratulations. You’re fucked. All of your motivation to write is going to have to come from within. From your willpower.

[A-hahaha… sobs quietly]
*Avoid distraction - he uses the Eisenhower foursquare tool to identify the difference between urgent and important. That email may be urgent but writing your novel is important.
*Pomodoro the shit out of your day. [Tell your brain it has to write a 100k book, it freaks. Tell it it has to write for 20-25 minutes, it’s on board. Write as many 25 minute pomodoros as you need to finish said book.]
*Avoid distractions [is it really worth your time to travel in to the studio and do that unpaid TV interview? This is not a problem I will ever have…]
*Kick self doubt in the dick
*Run, walk, swim but get out of the chair every day and MOVE
*Use tools, tech and apps that help. [he uses a dictation program after breaking his writing arm]
*Use editors to clean up your shitty first draft. [cites his own sentence: ‘The human wave surged towards him like a surging human wave’ *snorts*]
*Save your neurotic self loathing shit for the second draft.
*Use agents to sell it to trad pub if that’s what you want. [this isn’t your skill set; cough up the cash]
*Use cover designers if you’re self pub [this isn’t your skill set; cough up the cash]
*And use lawyers to check your contracts.

Never, ever go to their house. A poet did this to me once. I thought it was a home invasion, but it was worse. It was a poet.

*Don’t get sued. [cites Mike Carlton]
*You will have to pimp your own book even if you’re trad pub [def vote for Nick Stephenson’s blog and First 10k readers course]
*Use social media but don’t let it use you [def vote for David Gaughran’s blog and books.]
*Find your readers and make them pay

Okay… so, if you like Chuck Wendig or Hunter S Thompson, you’ll like the style. It’s really packed with info and great advice. Plus he backs it up with actual experience.
4 stars

I can't wait for my solid gold hovercraft...

[Anne Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve read lots of writing how-to books, some of which are excellent, some less so. Too many unfortunately take an overly pedagogical approach where you can envision the writer, tweed jacketed and bespectacled, standing at the blackboard, cane in hand.

John Birmingham on the other hand sounds like someone you sit next to at a bar who lets slip he’s a writer of some note. And on the strength of a few drinks you ask him how he does it. And on the strength of maybe even more drinks he gives it to you, warts and all.

Hugely enjoyable, pithy and disarming, there are lots of gems in here which any aspiring writer would do well to take note of, once they’ve gotten over cracking up. He’s brilliant at nailing those delusions of grandeur that all writers secretly nurture in their wilder moments of fantasy (e.g. your planned mass mailout to “300 literary agents inviting them to cage-wrestle each other for the right to represent you …”) and saying, usually in words of four letters, get real. Best piece of advice – “professionals turn up, every day, at the same time and they get the motherfucker done.”
To state the obvious, if you’re not comfortable with the prolific use of four letter words and allusions to genitals, don’t read it.

[Kirstie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A writing guide to make you laugh, and think, and laugh again this time hard enough to send your tea out your nose.

Fiction writers, don't be put off by the first hundred-odd pages where Birmingham focuses on freelance writing - he gets to fiction before long and focuses on it more I think (or maybe it just seemed that way to me because I sometimes just skimmed the freelancing stuff ;p )(mostly I didn't, but occasionally).

He discusses many different facets of writing: how to get better, write faster, publish (he covers both traditional and indie) and market. It's a very thorough all purpose guide, though, like most all purpose guides doesn't always delve as deeply into a topic as you might like (though he usually points you towards resources that will help you delve into it yourself).

Also jokes. So many jokes. I am not kidding about the tea through the nose. It wasn't boiling hot at least.

A must-read for those thinking about writing or early to midway on their career.

[L.J. Savage · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've finally found myself gravitating towards books that will help me with my craft (yes, I did just utter those words and am shaking my head disapprovingly), and picked up JB's book.

Damn, man, I have never felt so personally attacked in all my life.

I kid, I jest, I joke.

Seriously, though, if you're looking for a book to help you through those sleepless nights where you just don't know why the f**k you decided to become an author in the first place, this is the book for you. I laughed, I judged, I smirked, and I contemplated choosing another profession. Yet here I am, forging ahead, if only to throw it back in JB's face when I become a roaring success.

Thanks for the laughs. And thanks for the kick up the arse I needed to get this show on the mother**king road.

[Tracy Stanley · Rating 5 out of 5]

John Birmingham writes well. A part of me would like to finish my review here because I’m afraid that anything I say after this would be trite.

Like this.
John Birmingham is funny. He is. Laugh-out-loud, nearly wet the bed funny.

John Birmingham’s advice is sound. Well mostly. Just kidding. It’s good. Very good.

For all the writers out there, John Birmingham talks to your pain. Of your pain in getting the darn book finished, edited, published and pimped to a world who’ve not yet discovered you.

I enjoyed the read. I appreciated the content. And if you’re a fellow writer I think you will too.

[Susanne (Pages of Crime) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quick, informative read on the ins and outs of being a writer in the current climate. Covers writing itself and getting the finished product out there. Sprinkled with a generous serving of curse words, Birmingham tries very hard to "keep it real". It is inspiring and has me thinking again that I need to set up a blog soon!!

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some useful tidbits in this book, particularly around getting into routine, setting daily goals, and relevant apps. On the other hand, if you were to take out anecdotes and jokes, the book would probably only be 40 or so pages long. The humour made it a very light and easy read, but at times seemed to be a replacement for solid content. Still worth a read

[Michael B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superb!

John Birmingham has written a highly accessible and very entertaining guide to writing, publishing and selling books, articles and all forms of writing. If you are even mildly interested in the art of writing, and how market books, this lighthearted tale based on the author’s experience is for you.

[Connor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty entertaining how-to with some possibly good (how would I know?) advice, particularly in the middle sections. It kind of runs out of steam towards the end. I'm happy to retroactively upgrade my rating to FIVE STARS if my writing career ever takes off.

[Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a gift for Christmas, a book on my list of requested reading. It is informational and encouraging, to a degree, with all of Birmingham’s often crude humour. He gives important information to help writers with their craft.

[Craig Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Info bombs aplenty

Heaps of great advice and ready-to-roll tips all delivered with that trademark JB turn of phrase - top fun for aspiring authors or just those wanting to improve their writing output.

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ignoring the colour full language and odd trajectory that sometimes derailed the details, there are a few gems in this guide.
Mainly "stop mucking around and do the job"
This applies to more than writing, it's life!
Do I still want to write a novel, No, do I still want to write, you betcha.

[M.T. Ellis · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good kick in the arse for us baby writers!

[Simon Storey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Manages the brilliant feat of being both informative about the topic but also a decent read in-and-of-itself. Give it to anyone who wants to take up the pen!

[Danielle Clode · Rating 5 out of 5]

Entertaining and practical advice for writers.

[Pamela Bray · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read, laugh out loud moments, packed with really helpful info, take-aways to ponder - a very generous offering to all of us would-bes.

[Alex Hagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very readable and very practical and funny advice

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Skipped the first quarter of the book as irrelevant but read the rest and was pleasantly amused.

[Mandy Partridge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative and hilarious!

[Mel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some engaging and useful advice amongst near-objectionable language, tone and style. 2-stars if I took the latter into greater account.

[Suzanne Kiraly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this book was like some kind of masochistic scraping over the hot coals, and yet, in inimitable JB style, (that ‘slap in the face’ method of getting your attention), works for me!
John’s irreverent style not only works, but is also invaluable for newly emerging writers; particularly the ones who are a little too full of their own importance. And there are quite a few of those, I’m afraid to say. (There’s nothing worse than a new author who, as yet doesn’t know how much he/she doesn’t even know, because if they did, they wouldn’t be so cocky!)
Both JB and Steven Pressfield (another brilliant writer you should be following), use the phrase “why no one wants to read your sh**t”(it’s the name of Steven’s blog), succinctly and appropriately in terms of making an important point; and that is, that you need to put your best efforts in and suffer a little for your art – writing, like any other profession, takes a lot of effort and practice, before you can get it to the standard that your readers will enjoy reading. And I agree with JB wholeheartedly, that you should never serve up “sh**t!
The book is full of really useful information – the stuff that writers need to know – and he is not afraid to let you have it, by serving up platefuls of “reality check” in relation to the glamorous notions new writers get into their heads on living the ‘life of a writer’, along with useful tools, tips for efficiency, marketing advice and some anecdotes he has gathered over the years he has been writing.
Loved the stories of writers at writers’ festivals who became too full of themselves and precious to the point of being horrendous to deal with. “There is always one monster among the visiting literati, one writer so irredeemably vile that nobody wants to wrangle with them.” and JB goes on to say, “One such bestselling creature…..spent the entire visit complaining about the wretched food, and pissy coffee and the horror of being dragged to this shit hole at the end of the world.” And he even goes on to quote from this miscreant, with the irreverent comment she “spewed” forth from the stage, (which she shared with her fellow, bestselling American writers I might add), asking in front of them, “What I am doing on stage with these fucking nobodies?”.
Of course, John Birmingham’s writing is not for everyone – not if you are squeamish, overly conservative and easily offended. Not if you are one of those “precious” literati types who hold their noses high in the air so they can’t recognise a good book when they trip over it. Nor are they aware that their “sh**t” stinks just like anyone else’s! But for the majority of readers who love a bit of irreverence with their morning coffee, his writing is “Hunter Thompson” style — terrific – and just as irreverent!
So the book combines hugely useful information, gifted through the personal experiences anecdotal evidence, and skilful writing of one of Australia’s most successful writers today (and who earned his title in the trenches), so I think you’d be crazy not to read it!

[Chloe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious and informative

[Derek Pedley · Rating 5 out of 5]

In his rollicking, inimitable style, Birmingham distills 25 years of experience as a writer across myriad genres into a genuinely insightful and utterly hysterical “tattered, booze-stained Bible”. Its two sections – Putting Words on the Page and Making Some Bank, focus on the mechanics of how to become a successful, disciplined and savvy writer who lives the dream of making money from words.

Intended as a guide for active writers - rather than aspirational folk who tiresomely promise they “have a book in them one day” - it will also find an audience among readers curious to explore the inside of a writers’ sausage factory.

Birmingham notes that the book follows the same trajectory as his writing life “starting off with freelancing, progressing to books and novels, and ending in a drunken, drug-f…ed miasma of crazy book tours and literary festivals. Some of the advice is specific to those pursuits.”

Derek Pedley

[Nicholas · Rating 5 out of 5]

'This book is called How to Be a Writer not How to Write'.

Thus begins John Birmingham's delightful, informative and profane masterclass on what is required to be a writer.

In his Conclusion he says: 'Storytellers, the curators of meaning, have held a special place in all cultures through all time.'

I could not agree more and this book now holds a special place in mine.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of swearing. Also some useful advice. I liked it.