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Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives
Most gay men and lesbians grow up learning that to be gay is to be sick, to be unnatural, to be a sinner. By adolescence, such negative attitudes have produced and reinforced a single, powerful shame, the feeling that you’re inferior and judged as “bad,” for what you are—gay.
In Coming out of Shame Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael expose the role shame has come to play in gay and lesbian lives. Rarely discussed but vastly important, shame powerfully shapes each individual’s development of self-esteem, identity, and intimacy—three areas in which gay men and lesbians have been extremely vulnerable to the crippling effects of shame. Tracing the historical and cultural sources of gay shame, Kaufman and Raphael reveal how gay men and lesbians have internalized shame, resulting in self-loathing and destructive behaviors.
The hallmark of shame is silence, and by breaking the silence around the dynamics of gay shame, Kaufman and Raphael offer a way to “come out” of shame and begin the journey toward wholeness and self-acceptance. Filled with the experiences of those struggling to overcome shame, Coming Out of Shame includes strategies
• Storing self-esteem
• Creating a positive gay identity
• Healing scenes of shame
• Developing partnerships in intimacy
Self-affirming and inspirational, Coming Out of Shame guides the transformation of gay shame into gay pride and empowers gay men and lesbians as no other book has done.
In Coming out of Shame Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael expose the role shame has come to play in gay and lesbian lives. Rarely discussed but vastly important, shame powerfully shapes each individual’s development of self-esteem, identity, and intimacy—three areas in which gay men and lesbians have been extremely vulnerable to the crippling effects of shame. Tracing the historical and cultural sources of gay shame, Kaufman and Raphael reveal how gay men and lesbians have internalized shame, resulting in self-loathing and destructive behaviors.
The hallmark of shame is silence, and by breaking the silence around the dynamics of gay shame, Kaufman and Raphael offer a way to “come out” of shame and begin the journey toward wholeness and self-acceptance. Filled with the experiences of those struggling to overcome shame, Coming Out of Shame includes strategies
• Storing self-esteem
• Creating a positive gay identity
• Healing scenes of shame
• Developing partnerships in intimacy
Self-affirming and inspirational, Coming Out of Shame guides the transformation of gay shame into gay pride and empowers gay men and lesbians as no other book has done.
304 pages, Paperback
Published December 1, 1996
15 people are currently reading
537 people want to read
About the author
Gershen Kaufman
12 books21 followersGershen Kaufman was educated at Columbia University and received his PhD. in clinical psychology from the University of Rochester. Professor in the Counseling Center and Psychology Department at Michigan State University, he is the author of Shame: The Power of Caring (Rochester, Vermont: Schenkman Books, 1992) and The Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes (New York: Springer Publishing Co., 1996). He is the co-author, with Lev Raphael, of Dynamics of Power: Fighting Shame and Building Self-Esteem (Rochester, Vermont: Schenkman Books, 1991) and Coming Out of Shame (New York: Doubleday, 1996).
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
January 31, 2023
Getting through this book particularly the first half requires some willpower. It’s worth it though. An excellent book for any gay person wishing to decrease shame in their life. For me, my self-esteem has grown in a really positive way after reading this book. Highly recommend.
October 16, 2014
"Coming Out of Shame" is an incredibly ambitious work that means to explore the way shame is transmitted across generations, internalized, and reinforced culturally and within relationships.
The first chapter of the book is rather inelegant in its psychodynamically-soaked experiential language. I'm still not entirely sure I distinguish scripts from scenes. I found a lot more meaningful and approachable my reinterpretation of the concepts through cognitive behavioral language.
Later in the work, the authors describe emotional and reframing interventions that are meant to confront and experience shame directly across every conceivable relationship that are both practical and potent.
It's exhaustive in its scope and largely succeeds in what it attempts to do. The work improves with time as even later chapters encapsulate core ideas from the beginning of the book with brevity and simplicity.
Although not identifying as gay, I felt recognized in the way the authors explored the marginalization that groups in society experience (which I do have experience in). Overall, this is an easy work to recommend although a glossary of terms wouldn't hurt in a reprint.
The first chapter of the book is rather inelegant in its psychodynamically-soaked experiential language. I'm still not entirely sure I distinguish scripts from scenes. I found a lot more meaningful and approachable my reinterpretation of the concepts through cognitive behavioral language.
Later in the work, the authors describe emotional and reframing interventions that are meant to confront and experience shame directly across every conceivable relationship that are both practical and potent.
It's exhaustive in its scope and largely succeeds in what it attempts to do. The work improves with time as even later chapters encapsulate core ideas from the beginning of the book with brevity and simplicity.
Although not identifying as gay, I felt recognized in the way the authors explored the marginalization that groups in society experience (which I do have experience in). Overall, this is an easy work to recommend although a glossary of terms wouldn't hurt in a reprint.
November 13, 2011
This book discusses the role of shame in same sex relationships. As a heterosexual man though I found it also discussed the role of shame in all relationships and how important it is to be aware of this and the best ways to counteract it. At times though, it discusses quite eloquently the role of shame in same sex relationships and how this differs from heterosexual relationships. Something that is challenging regarding this book, and all LGBT literature, is the dynamic change occurring in the country regarding same sex relationships. Gay people are coming out earlier than in the past and living more open lives. It would be interesting to hear the authors thoughts on how these developments affect shame.
May 27, 2017
Finished. As I got further along in the book, there was a lot of assumptions that pegged all gay men into one large bucket of hypersexual people exclusively focused on sex and the shame involved. Newsflash, doctor, grow up. I see a need for you to return to graduate school. I'm very sad I finished this crap.
May 21, 2011
One of the most helpful books I've read so far as a gay person.
May 4, 2024
"Coming Out of Shame" explores the role of shame while growing up queer in our society and how it affets queer people's identities. It was written in the 1990s but a lot of what is written still applies to today.
I think many other queer people could benefit from this book. I found it incredibly validating and I felt really seen while reading about shame in the context of growing up queer, as well as the typical thoughts it causes and the awfully consuming urge to hide. Aknowledging shame is the first step to reduce its power over us. It's a very painful and alienating feeling but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with us; it simply means we're experiencing shame.
It was also very interesting to see how the issue of LGBTQIA+ rights has changed over time. I'm Gen Z and not American so I barely had any recollection of the AID's epidemic, and same-sex marriage has been legal in my country for over a decade now (which is still only a very recently acquired right). But I could still deeply relate to the descriptions of how disgust and shame targetted to queer people are profoundly embedded in society. I could relate to watching the sneers and looks of disgust from family members when they talk about gay people, to hearing the discourse of homophobia desguised as compassion in the Church, among many other examples. Even though the rights have been legally acquired, people's mentality doesn't change over night. There's still a long way to go and a lot to be done to ensure equal rights in practice and to fight LGBTQIA+ discrimination.
"Coming Out of Shame" is a very ambitious book that includes many other versatile topics as well, like an explanation and description of the different affects/emotions, some specific causes/instaces of queer shame in our culture and in religion, a guidance and advice section for queer couples and how they can healthily thrive as a couple and be respectful of their differences, the question of whether or not should we all become LGBTQIA+ activists, etc.
Unfortunately, despite all of these strong points, it took me an awful long time to finish reading "Coming Out of Shame". Not sure if it was because the topics were a bit dense, or because of my own feelings of discomfort while reading it, or because of "how" I read it, blindly following the urge to highlight and take so many notes in order to not forget all the important takes of this book, which sadly turned the reading into a bit of a fastidious task (which, again, was not at all related to the authors' writing).
Regardless, it was a very solid and helpful book and I recommend it to queer people in the early stages of struggling with their sexuality.
I think many other queer people could benefit from this book. I found it incredibly validating and I felt really seen while reading about shame in the context of growing up queer, as well as the typical thoughts it causes and the awfully consuming urge to hide. Aknowledging shame is the first step to reduce its power over us. It's a very painful and alienating feeling but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with us; it simply means we're experiencing shame.
It was also very interesting to see how the issue of LGBTQIA+ rights has changed over time. I'm Gen Z and not American so I barely had any recollection of the AID's epidemic, and same-sex marriage has been legal in my country for over a decade now (which is still only a very recently acquired right). But I could still deeply relate to the descriptions of how disgust and shame targetted to queer people are profoundly embedded in society. I could relate to watching the sneers and looks of disgust from family members when they talk about gay people, to hearing the discourse of homophobia desguised as compassion in the Church, among many other examples. Even though the rights have been legally acquired, people's mentality doesn't change over night. There's still a long way to go and a lot to be done to ensure equal rights in practice and to fight LGBTQIA+ discrimination.
"Coming Out of Shame" is a very ambitious book that includes many other versatile topics as well, like an explanation and description of the different affects/emotions, some specific causes/instaces of queer shame in our culture and in religion, a guidance and advice section for queer couples and how they can healthily thrive as a couple and be respectful of their differences, the question of whether or not should we all become LGBTQIA+ activists, etc.
Unfortunately, despite all of these strong points, it took me an awful long time to finish reading "Coming Out of Shame". Not sure if it was because the topics were a bit dense, or because of my own feelings of discomfort while reading it, or because of "how" I read it, blindly following the urge to highlight and take so many notes in order to not forget all the important takes of this book, which sadly turned the reading into a bit of a fastidious task (which, again, was not at all related to the authors' writing).
Regardless, it was a very solid and helpful book and I recommend it to queer people in the early stages of struggling with their sexuality.
July 11, 2025
The book was very powerful in its simplicity to explain the psychology of shame and other emotions(affects), how shame takes form in different ways that affect LGBT persons, and how we can reframe our experiences of shame in our daily lives as LGBT persons in a positive and empowering way. The main takeaway from this book for me was the importance of being able to overcome shame, and feel pride for being who you are regardless of what others think. Also, the fact that shame no matter how uncomfortable it may be to face is important to do so in order to overcome it. There’s a lot of information that really helps you understand this process of overcoming shame from transforming your thoughts, to bringing light to unconscious scripts(memories) that control how you react towards feeling shame, or unleashing shame onto others and the different ways to change these aspects of shame in a more positive and constructive manner. Finally, this book is transformative on many levels and I’ll definitely reread key parts of this book for years to come.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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November 30, 2025“To proclaim oneself openly as gay is, above all else, to come out of shame—profoundly, to break the silence. This is why the term "coming out" is a shame metaphor.”
“Fully coming out of shame requires something more than merely coming out to others. Many gays are out to their friends or at work; they feel happier than they ever have felt before; they have no shame —or so it may seem.”
“One of the factors that inhibits coming out is the inevitable loss of identity we will experience. To come out means fundamentally giving up our old identity as a presumed heterosexual.”
“Every gay man and every lesbian at some time begins comparing themselves to other men and women who are not gay. It is that comparison itself which is so insidious. Few differences are as fundamental as our sexual orientation. When we compare ourselves to others who are different from us in essential ways, we do ourselves injury.”
“Fully coming out of shame requires something more than merely coming out to others. Many gays are out to their friends or at work; they feel happier than they ever have felt before; they have no shame —or so it may seem.”
“One of the factors that inhibits coming out is the inevitable loss of identity we will experience. To come out means fundamentally giving up our old identity as a presumed heterosexual.”
“Every gay man and every lesbian at some time begins comparing themselves to other men and women who are not gay. It is that comparison itself which is so insidious. Few differences are as fundamental as our sexual orientation. When we compare ourselves to others who are different from us in essential ways, we do ourselves injury.”
January 26, 2024
Admittedly, I read this very quickly, but I know this is a book that I will come back to again and again. Covers in depth many of the experiences that lesbians and gays have that lead them to having shame-based issues, including personality issues and relationship issues. I recognized myself in many of the anecdotes. Mind that it focuses on the gay and lesbian experience, which I think is a eminently positive thing-- it's hard in 2024 to find any books or other media that focus specifically on the challenges faced by men who only love men and women who only love women. I will be revisiting this book to try to work on some of my own issues.
December 13, 2018
I found this book somewhat helpful, but I suspect that my having previously read about gay shame in "The Velvet Rage" made my experience with this book much less impacting. Which is to say that I really can't accurately gauge how helpful the book would be for others. I found it dry and repetitive at times, with helpful insights thrown in periodically.
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May 31, 2024ملاحظة لي - لم اقرا الكتاب بعد
wounds can be a blessing, and not necessarily a source of shame
wounds can be a blessing, and not necessarily a source of shame
May 18, 2025
I didn’t learn anything new. But some good points about shame to those who are beginning this work. Some references are dated since the book was published in 1996.
October 23, 2011
This book is so fantastic I'm not sure my review will actually do it any justice. Every gay/lesbian person out there who can understand a semi-scholarly book should put this on their reading list. This concept of shame is really central to a gay person's understanding of self and Gershen and Lev do a superb job of illustrating their points. Two thumbs way up!!
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews