Helper by Design: God's Perfect Plan for Women in Marriage

by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick

There are few more contentious and heart-rending topics among women in the church than submission and what it means to be man's helper. Elyse Fitzpatrick believes that understanding this topic can bring about great freedom and a more meaningful relationship with Christ and your husband. In Helper By Design , she takes an in-depth theological look at what it means to be made in God's image to be a helper. No matter what your perspective, this book will set in motion great heart changes as you grow toward becoming the woman God has called you to be.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Reference, Counselling, Christianity

224 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2003

About the author

Author of 20+ books on the Christian life and the gospel's impact on everyday living, Elyse is a frequent speaker at women's conferences nationally and internationally.

Elyse's ministry is summed up in these simple words: No fluff, No bricks, just the good news of a crucified and risen Christ.

In 1971 she married her sweetheart Phil and together they raised three children and are enjoying six really adorable grandchildren.

Together they attend Valley Center Community Church in the hills of the North County of San Diego where Phil is an elder.

Reviews

[Rachel Schultz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book on marriage for women, and it made for good discussion in a women's book study group. I had to take a star off because the chapter on sexual intimacy was too narrow and therefore, I think, a bit unhelpful and even hurtful for women in different situations.

[Sequoyah Branham · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciate the view on submission and how we are to be a helper that this book takes. It felt empowering.

[A Grace · Rating 1 out of 5]

I recently started a new rating system for all the books I read, so I'm going to refer to that. I have 5 questions and each yes equals one star. I'll explain what each star represents for me.

1) Was the writing professional, effective, and clear? - yes

Although I am going to give this a "yes," I find that Christian authors LOVE the sentence structure: subject + [verb of be] + [infinitive]. (For example, "As children of God, we are to be ..." or "God is to be the only one who we give praise." Grammatically, this is perfectly acceptable, but for me it gets SO ANNOYING at the mere repetition of it.

My second complain with the writing, the headers were written in all caps, and I couldn't help but feel the author was shouting at me.

Other than these two personal pet peeves, the writing in this book was fine.

2) Did I enjoy what was said? - no

Let me begin with a caveat: I believe Elyse Fitzpatrick is a sweet, wonderful, godly woman and I do respect what she has to say. I have read and appreciated many of her books. This was not one of them.

First, this book didn't have anything new to offer. I've read a handful of marriage books, including Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage, which I felt had a more thorough exposition on what biblical marriage should look like. I didn't learn anything new in this, although I was sweetly reminded of a few truths.

I did not agree with most of Chapter 9. I am almost ready to throw my hands up in the air and think no one truly understands what wifely submission truly is. I strongly reject "If, after you've clearly given your perspective and prayerfully presented your point of view, your husband continues on a course that you disagree with but which isn't sinful, you are obligated to support and obey him" (pg. 49)." I have seen so many husbands of family and friends take advantage of this very principle – financially, emotionally, physically, verbally. It literally turns my stomach to see the injustice of husbands making decisions and their wives dumbly "submitting" to their rule. This cannot be what God intended for marriage. Yet in Chapter 12, Elyse points out that wives must obey God despite the sin of their husband, that their obedience can't hinge on their husband's obedience to God, so I do understand that but I also don't believe God wants wives to be doormats. In many instances, the wife is the one who has better, godly, logical ideas, and the husband is too lazy or too flippant with his life to acknowledge it. How is that fair?

3) Would I read it again? Do I want to own it so I can reread it multiple times? - definitely no

4) Would I recommend it to others? - no. I'll recommend Tim's Keller's book or perhaps even Francis Chan's You and Me Forever

5) Did I enjoy the physical properties of the book? The jacket art, the feel of the paper, the weight of the book in my hands? (I'm a book nerd, I know. Why is this so important to me? I have no idea) - definitely no

I absolutely detest the cover on this book. It's not only old-fashioned, but the photograph is out-of-focus. I always tried to close my eyes when I first picked it up to read so I wouldn't have to see such hideousness. Yes, it's that important to me.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books that I know I'm going to want to go back and re-read over the years -- so densely full of wisdom and common sense and excellent questions to be asked over and over again. The best part about Helper By Design, though, is how Fitzpatrick starts it - by showing her readers how they are imaging the Trinity and their Holy God through being helpers to their husband. There can be nothing undignified in that. Completely changed my thinking about the role God has called me to!

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was wonderful! It was a great reminder that being our husband's helper is a holy calling that we have been designed to fill, all for our joy and most of all God's glory. Also, being submissive with a gentle and quiet spirit is precious in the sight of God. Definitely recommend!

[DT · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a surprisingly good (obviously complementarian) book that is biblical and gospel centered. Despite being written twenty years ago, Fitzpatrick doesn’t give into the patriarchal notions of Piper and Grudem (though she quotes them in the book and thanks both in her dedication). This book is written for married women and provides some solid, biblical insight. However, she does not acknowledge issues like divorce (even though she herself is divorced) or singleness.

[tania · Rating 4 out of 5]

finally finishing this book means my last pre-marital counseling session is coming up which means I’m getting married super soon 😱😱

[Paige Cuthbertson| Turning_Every_Paige · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid 4 ⭐️. Nothing earth-shattering, and her style gets a bit dry sometimes, but there was a lot of practical, Biblical truth here. I thought she handled the submission issue very well, and I appreciate that sex was only a small part of her message as a whole. And it was a decently balanced perspective on it to boot!

[Morgan Farr · Rating 3 out of 5]

I struggled to get through was "Helper by Design" by Elyse Fitzpaterick. Don't get me wrong, the book is good but it is very simple. Fitzpatrick teaches things like becoming one with your spouse, submission to your husband, and loving your husband because Christ first loved you. All of these are great lessons that should be taught prior to marriage or early on in the newly married stages.

However, if you have been a Christian wife following the teachings of the Bible and acting out biblical womanhood for any length of time most of this book will be a repeat of what you already know. The book is very familiar. It might be better for you to move on to meatier subjects rather than rehashing what the Bible has already clearly laid out.

It is a good tool to have on your shelf for a specific audience. This book would be an excellent resource for a young woman that is soon to be married or maybe even if she is newly married. If you are further along in your faith and you have been walking in biblical womanhood for some time I would suggest you spend your time elsewhere.

[Cindi McMenamin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know Elyse Fitpatrick personally and have heard her speak several times. She has amazing insights and this book is one of the best I've read about how a wife is to be a 'helpmate' to her husband. I quoted her in my newest book "When a Woman Inspires Her Husband."

[Lisa]

Marriage

[Tiffany · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think I would have enjoyed it more if I was reading it as a married person instead of single. As it was, I didn't find it that interesting or any real 'new' ideas compared to other books on the subject I've read before.

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not enough gospel.

[Jessie Bench · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is the best Christian book on marriage that I have read. I really was encouraged by the book.