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And Nanny Makes Three: Mothers and Nannies Tell the Truth About Work, Love, Money, and Each Other
From the playground to the playroom, mothers and nannies are engaged in a relationship like no other - they are sometimes co-parents and comrades, often confidants, and much more than employer and employee. It is a complex relationship that touches on issues of love, trust, and money. It can be a wonderful collaboration between two women who care for the same child or it can be a difficult situation with unfulfilled expectations on both sides.
Mothers can be obsessed, conflicted, and confused about how to manage caregivers - but they also must contend with how they feel about having another woman take care of their children. Caregivers love the kids, but often run into trouble dealing with mom. And Nanny Makes Three goes behind the scenes of domestic arrangements to discover what moms and nannies are really thinking about each other, the kids, their respective jobs and their identities.
In this eye-opening book, Jessika Auerbach plumbs the depth of this unique relationship and presents a perspective that draws from both sides. Mothers' and caregivers' genuine and unique voices are equally represented giving a balanced view to this highly complicated, emotionally charged relationship.
Anyone who is a mother, working or not, or thinking of becoming a mother and wondering how to juggle career and children without dropping the ball somewhere along the way will gain invaluable insight from And Nanny Makes Three.
"The relationship between any working mother and the caretaker of her child involves some of the most intense, important, conflicted, and complicated interactions a woman is ever likely to have. Once a mother returns to work - full-time, part-time, any time and anywhere - it's the one relationship that almost more than any other will keep her awake at night, make her furious, desperate, grateful, and guilty.
As a mother who both loves her children and needs her job, it's also often a relationship she wishes she would never have to have. Yet from the moment it begins, it becomes hopelessly and forever entangled with her view of herself, her love of her family, and her need to support them. In this way it becomes instantly and inextricably folded into the dialogue every mother carries on within herself, with her partner, her colleagues, and her If playground, cocktail party and book group conversation is anything to go by, the topic of nannies, what they do to us and what we do to them is right up there with talk about love, sex, and school waiting lists."
--from the Introduction
Jessika Auerbach was born in Germany, but grew up primarily in England. She studied at the Institut des Sciences Politiques and the Sorbonne in Paris and at Oxford University, and since that time has lived and worked as an editor and writer in New York, Connecticut, the Netherlands, and Hong Kong. Her four daughters were born on three different continents, and she and her husband remain happily in touch with almost all the nineteen nannies, au-pairs and part-time babysitters who have provided them with childcare over the years. She currently lives with her family in Singapore, where she is working on her next book.
Mothers can be obsessed, conflicted, and confused about how to manage caregivers - but they also must contend with how they feel about having another woman take care of their children. Caregivers love the kids, but often run into trouble dealing with mom. And Nanny Makes Three goes behind the scenes of domestic arrangements to discover what moms and nannies are really thinking about each other, the kids, their respective jobs and their identities.
In this eye-opening book, Jessika Auerbach plumbs the depth of this unique relationship and presents a perspective that draws from both sides. Mothers' and caregivers' genuine and unique voices are equally represented giving a balanced view to this highly complicated, emotionally charged relationship.
Anyone who is a mother, working or not, or thinking of becoming a mother and wondering how to juggle career and children without dropping the ball somewhere along the way will gain invaluable insight from And Nanny Makes Three.
"The relationship between any working mother and the caretaker of her child involves some of the most intense, important, conflicted, and complicated interactions a woman is ever likely to have. Once a mother returns to work - full-time, part-time, any time and anywhere - it's the one relationship that almost more than any other will keep her awake at night, make her furious, desperate, grateful, and guilty.
As a mother who both loves her children and needs her job, it's also often a relationship she wishes she would never have to have. Yet from the moment it begins, it becomes hopelessly and forever entangled with her view of herself, her love of her family, and her need to support them. In this way it becomes instantly and inextricably folded into the dialogue every mother carries on within herself, with her partner, her colleagues, and her If playground, cocktail party and book group conversation is anything to go by, the topic of nannies, what they do to us and what we do to them is right up there with talk about love, sex, and school waiting lists."
--from the Introduction
Jessika Auerbach was born in Germany, but grew up primarily in England. She studied at the Institut des Sciences Politiques and the Sorbonne in Paris and at Oxford University, and since that time has lived and worked as an editor and writer in New York, Connecticut, the Netherlands, and Hong Kong. Her four daughters were born on three different continents, and she and her husband remain happily in touch with almost all the nineteen nannies, au-pairs and part-time babysitters who have provided them with childcare over the years. She currently lives with her family in Singapore, where she is working on her next book.
- GenresNonfiction
288 pages, Hardcover
First published May 1, 2007
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28 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
May 29, 2016
Full disclaimer: I didn't actually finish this book.
I had one chapter left, but I feel like I definitely read enough of it for it to "count." The truth is that about 1/2 or 2/3 through the book it became obvious the author wasn't going to say anything new; many of the chapters were merely a rehash of what came before, in previous chapters. I feel like this book could have been just as informative as a long read on Slate or The Atlantic; there just wasn't enough to fill a whole book.
That said, I definitely have plenty of thoughts on it, all of them tied up in my own experiences. I was a part-time/weekend nanny for a few months when I was in my late teens. It was a very "interesting" experience, but it didn't take long for me to realize nannying wasn't for me for a whole host of reasons. Now I work as an assistant preschool teacher, which I love, and this means I'm acquainted with a fair number of nannies and at least a few of my coworkers have been full-time nannies at one time or another. SO WITH ALL OF THAT, this book seemed to focus very narrowly on a very specific type of nanny situation, concentrating on foreign, primarily illegal, not-fully fluent in English, nannies who are sending their earnings back home to their families. Many of these women had left their own children behind to come to the U.S. and be able to support them financially. Granted, that's a very interesting situation, and maybe in some places it's the norm but I can honestly say that none of the nannies/families I know who employ nannies are in that situation. So I was disappointed that this book (despite paying lip-service to other forms of child-care and other nanny or babysitter situations) focused almost exclusively on this. I didn't like that.
I also didn't like that there doesn't seem to be much actual insight here. Maybe for someone whose idea of "the nanny" stems from a mixture of Mary Poppins and Fran Drescher there might be something to glean, but nearly everything found in this book seemed sort of, for lack of a better word, obvious to me. Like, live-in nannies have less privacy. Mothers are sometimes/often jealous of the nanny's attachment to her children. Parents typically want the nanny to take on some of the housework while the nanny often considers it not part of her job. There are rarely formal contracts in these positions. Um, yes. DuH?
I think I kept expecting something MORE from this book, which is why I kept going with it. (That, and it's a fairly entertaining, easy read.) But I never got more and now I'm disappointed.
Also, more honesty: it seemed really clear that in the divide between mothers and nannies, the author was strictly on the mom's side. Which makes sense because she's a mother who has employed nannies, not a woman who has/does work as a nanny. But for a book that was supposed to sort of "bridge the divide" it still bothered me.
I had one chapter left, but I feel like I definitely read enough of it for it to "count." The truth is that about 1/2 or 2/3 through the book it became obvious the author wasn't going to say anything new; many of the chapters were merely a rehash of what came before, in previous chapters. I feel like this book could have been just as informative as a long read on Slate or The Atlantic; there just wasn't enough to fill a whole book.
That said, I definitely have plenty of thoughts on it, all of them tied up in my own experiences. I was a part-time/weekend nanny for a few months when I was in my late teens. It was a very "interesting" experience, but it didn't take long for me to realize nannying wasn't for me for a whole host of reasons. Now I work as an assistant preschool teacher, which I love, and this means I'm acquainted with a fair number of nannies and at least a few of my coworkers have been full-time nannies at one time or another. SO WITH ALL OF THAT, this book seemed to focus very narrowly on a very specific type of nanny situation, concentrating on foreign, primarily illegal, not-fully fluent in English, nannies who are sending their earnings back home to their families. Many of these women had left their own children behind to come to the U.S. and be able to support them financially. Granted, that's a very interesting situation, and maybe in some places it's the norm but I can honestly say that none of the nannies/families I know who employ nannies are in that situation. So I was disappointed that this book (despite paying lip-service to other forms of child-care and other nanny or babysitter situations) focused almost exclusively on this. I didn't like that.
I also didn't like that there doesn't seem to be much actual insight here. Maybe for someone whose idea of "the nanny" stems from a mixture of Mary Poppins and Fran Drescher there might be something to glean, but nearly everything found in this book seemed sort of, for lack of a better word, obvious to me. Like, live-in nannies have less privacy. Mothers are sometimes/often jealous of the nanny's attachment to her children. Parents typically want the nanny to take on some of the housework while the nanny often considers it not part of her job. There are rarely formal contracts in these positions. Um, yes. DuH?
I think I kept expecting something MORE from this book, which is why I kept going with it. (That, and it's a fairly entertaining, easy read.) But I never got more and now I'm disappointed.
Also, more honesty: it seemed really clear that in the divide between mothers and nannies, the author was strictly on the mom's side. Which makes sense because she's a mother who has employed nannies, not a woman who has/does work as a nanny. But for a book that was supposed to sort of "bridge the divide" it still bothered me.
August 17, 2012
hey! want to read about a bunch of over-privileged urban mommies complaining about how their children love their nannies more than they love their mothers? & how they worry that their nannies steal & then they worry about worrying that their nannies steal because after all the nannies are from destitute developing nations & the kind thing to do is to just ignore the possible stealing? & a bunch of other totally stereotypical, obnoxious, rich lady bullshit? yeah. neither did i. this book blows. the fact that auerbach put so much effort into getting "the nanny's side of things" (making sure to narrate for us all the while how awkward & uncomfortable she felt as a nanny-employer trying to get the straight dish from nannies about what they think about their employers) just kind of made things worse.
you know what it reminded me of? it reminded me of this time that i went to a workshop on racism & white privilege with a bunch of friends. but what none of us new was that the workshop was specifically for white people, & the three women i attended with were all of color. when we walked in (a little late), all the white people who were sitting in a circle sharing their feelings about this one time when they were racist & how it made them feel & getting absolution from the other white people in the group started shifting around & getting really uncomfortable. we all hung out for a while & then one of the girls i came with passed me a note that said, "you're our white spy. meet us at the ice cream shop after," & they left. at the end of the workshop, people felt the need to process for twenty minutes about how "people of color came, & then they left & that's a problem," meaning that clearly they failed as white allies by not making the people of color want to stay &...listen to the white people cry about this one time when they were racist? who the fuck would want to listen to that? i didn't even want to listen to that & i'm white. like, so sorry that your attempts at being an ally were actually incredibly off-putting to the people you tried to be allies to without seeking any input from them at all.
yeah, that's what this book reminded me of. a bunch of guilty moms circle jerking over their complicated feelings about their nannies, & the nannies being like, "you know what? chill the fuck out." ugh.
you know what it reminded me of? it reminded me of this time that i went to a workshop on racism & white privilege with a bunch of friends. but what none of us new was that the workshop was specifically for white people, & the three women i attended with were all of color. when we walked in (a little late), all the white people who were sitting in a circle sharing their feelings about this one time when they were racist & how it made them feel & getting absolution from the other white people in the group started shifting around & getting really uncomfortable. we all hung out for a while & then one of the girls i came with passed me a note that said, "you're our white spy. meet us at the ice cream shop after," & they left. at the end of the workshop, people felt the need to process for twenty minutes about how "people of color came, & then they left & that's a problem," meaning that clearly they failed as white allies by not making the people of color want to stay &...listen to the white people cry about this one time when they were racist? who the fuck would want to listen to that? i didn't even want to listen to that & i'm white. like, so sorry that your attempts at being an ally were actually incredibly off-putting to the people you tried to be allies to without seeking any input from them at all.
yeah, that's what this book reminded me of. a bunch of guilty moms circle jerking over their complicated feelings about their nannies, & the nannies being like, "you know what? chill the fuck out." ugh.
May 1, 2014
Phew. For such a short book, it took forever to finish! Essentially, I gave it 3 stars because it spoke to me as a professional nanny. I docked it 2 stars for being so far from my reality as a nanny it was sort of like reading/experiencing it for the first time. For one, I'm a legal American nanny- it seems almost every person she interviewed was from another country. I also docked points because it was very East coast mentality (serial nanny consumption, all about flexibility to stay late/work weekends). It was strange because that is not the environment I have encountered at all. However, I do feel this is a good book for moms to read when hiring a nanny, and it's a good read for nannies too. Just not exactly how I experience my job, but the anecdotes were relatable and usually funny/shocking.
January 20, 2009
I really liked this book; it took me back to my own child-rearing days when we had a fairly constant stream of au pairs, some good, some not-so-good, but none really bad. Life was so hectic back then that I didn't really stop and analyze the psychodynamics of our household, which is just what the author has done in this book. There are lots of "ah ha!" moments for readers who have lived through shared child-rearing, and enough content to make anyone contemplating this scenario stop and think. Her own stories are wonderful and make the book come alive. What I missed was the childrens' voices -- e.g. their views on having both a mommy and a nanny/au pair. For me, that would have made this book 5-stars.
July 21, 2008
Pithy and experienced-based observations and truisms pepper the many varied perspectives offerered up through thorough interviews of both nannies and employees (mothers) of nannies and "help." Auerbauch has her pulse on the American culture of nannies, but she also offers a larger global perspective on the true cost of the system. As both a former nanny and a mother who hires babysitters I felt Auerbauch pinpointed the dynamics of the relationship exactly, albeit with a slight bias toward the employer/mother. I highly recommend as an enlightening read for anyone interested, and a must-read for anyone who has ever worked as a babysitter, nanny or mother.
July 11, 2008
Jessika Auerbach has clearly done excellent research into the intricacies of the mother, nanny, children relationship, while her children were being watched by their nanny or au pair. It is revealing in its honesty.
November 18, 2008
This book made for some interesting reading. The author raises some intriguing points regarding the complicated relationship between mothers and their children's caretakers. I didn't fully understand all of the complexities that characterize this relationship prior to reading.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews