Glop: Non-Toxic, Expensive Ideas that Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious

by Gabrielle Moss

A wickedly funny, full-color, illustrated sendup of the trendy lifestyle publication GOOP.

What is Glop?

Glop is a business and a website. But Glop is also a feeling. It’s about picking the right expensive organic eye cream that will make you fit seamlessly into the top tiers of high society and sits next to Bono at a 42-course seitan tasting dinner held in a sex dungeon deep beneath the North Pole. Glop is about being conscious to the tiny details of our lives—what to eat, where to buy your cashmere yoga pants, which juice cleanse will remove the most mercury toxins from both your body and your cashmere yoga pants. Glop is about you.

In this scathingly humorous parody, Gabrielle Moss skewers the vanity, elitism, and silliness of the lifestyle website everyone loves to hate. Here are favorite recipes, detoxes, activities, cleanses, beauty tips, juice cleanses, vacation destinations, and a selection of hand creams that will open your third eye—plus lots of celebrity namedropping and more.

Glop includes everything from the silly to sublime—make-at-home stem cell moisturizing repair masques, weekend colonics, restorative yoga poses (for when Sting is mad at you about that thing you did), and even the freshest bones for your bone broth. Here, too, are G’s essential tips on parenthood, relationships, work and finances, entertaining, food (well, maybe not food), spirituality, beauty, fashion, home, gifts, kids, and more. Nothing in Glop is sacred—except for a few Indian cows you can’t afford.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Audiobook, Comedy, Satire

240 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 6, 2016

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A delightfully crafted parody. If pretentious and condescending blogs/celebrities/etc. make you want to hurl and you have a sarcastic sense of humor, you will enjoy this book.

[Kitty · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun read for those of us fed up with diet culture, celebrity worship, and aspirational blogs. I listened to the audiobook, which was really well read, but I felt like I was probably missing out on some good pictures.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious!

[Evgenia · Rating 3 out of 5]

listen, this is good parody... but i severely overestimated how much of it i need in my life (turns out seeing a couple satirical headlines per month is just enough)

[Kate Woods Walker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilariously cleansing.

[Lizzy Wizzy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the concept of Glop but thought the execution was sorely lacking. We see the author fall back on the same jokes over and over again, which were funny the first two or three times but really lost their zing over countless applications. Example: the entirely unrealistic, ridiculous name choices of every single peripheral character throughout the entire book (did G’s children’s names *really* need to change every single time they’re mentioned?). Another example: none of the recipes in here is even remotely edible or replicable. The jokes here flew so over the top that they came across to me as utterly try-hard. I think the author was trying to pack too many punches in at Goop and went too absurdist with it all, so the overall effect is rather dense. One article taken out of this book’s greater context feels novel and hilarious, but pack in seventy-three of them that read exactly like one another and the overall effect comes off as trite. As far as shitting on Gwenyth Paltrow goes, I think Richard Ayoade did a much more effective job of this in his book Ayoade On Top. Richard’s take is very tongue-in-cheek and sly, whereas Gabrielle here beat the proverbial dead horse to a complete pulp. I do think that the formatting of this book was something of a saving grace, the authentic Goop look and feel. On the whole, I think this book would have benefitted greatly from some injection of realism.

[Hannah]

This is a bit overlong and could have used some tighter edits (also, ebook is not the best format; I'm sure it looked way better in print), but it's pretty genius, especially if you look up Gwyneth Paltrow and see how many actual, literal things she has said are repeated and riffed on for this text. It's like when Tina Fey played Sarah Palin on SNL and didn't actually need to have lines written because she could just say literal sentences as Palin had said them. A totally random read I picked up out of nowhere, and overall a fun way to spend some time. Major points for the kids' names throughout the book and for the really clever decisions as to when real celebrities were named and when fake names were used. I think this book is smarter than it lets on.

[Marya · Rating 3 out of 5]

With the world going to hell in a hand basket, this book is a lovely escape from reality. Literally, the shtick of the book is taking the excesses of Goop and pushing them even further. It's amusing enough in its own, and every 30 pages or so, Moss comes up with something truly laugh out loud funny. If only all our worries boiled down to which under $10,000 item we should put in the unused wing of our 7th manor home!

[Nancy Abraham · Rating 5 out of 5]

A work of satire parodying Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop. So, it gets really funny with its honest relay of sarcastic recollection of all the uber-rich eccentricities. Gabrielle Moss has let out an effortless stream of humorous jabs taken at certain expensive lifestyle rituals of the people who are affording and basking in them. A book for you to sit back and laugh deliriously on the stupid practices of our times.

[Sade · Rating 5 out of 5]

It only dawned on me while reading this book that the step between horror and satire is a gentle slope that can easily turn into...well... what our existence is now!

If Welcome to Night Vale is a funny little town that exists after the Fears have been welcomed into our plain of existence then "Glop" is the Hollywood version of Night Vale... or that sound stage Jon and Martin visits that's controlled by The Web.

[Bruce Reynolds · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sort of innocent when I obtained this, and having read it, am glad that I did not know of the level of pretentious which it is mocking. But now. having run into some of the material which this book rebuffs, I will rate it four stars for being right on, and slam-dunk in the face of the shams which are presented as journalism/advice/whatever today.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a funny, bitingly sarcastic read. It was fun to flip through from time to time and there were definitely laugh out loud moments. I haven't read the real GOOP, but I'm sure it's totally ridiculous. This reminded me of Annabel Porter's Bloosh -- now pardon me, I need to go polish my oyster forks with a cage-free olive oil rub.

[Kaila · Rating 4 out of 5]

I laughed out loud several times. Favorites include "My Best Organic Beauty Secret: Being Born to Extremely Attractive Parents" and "Solving the Cultural Appropriation Dilemma by Appropriating from Cultures That Don't Exist"

[Nathalie Morén · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNFed after 3/4. Got too repetitive!

[Lexy Kelleher · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Gwyneth Paltrow "Goop" parody I didn't know I needed. Some parts were a little repetitive, but there were definitely some moments that had me laughing out loud.

[Denise L. Koch · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a quick hilarious read!

[Stefanie Daun · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious.

[Jen Cameron · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining satire making fun of Goop and everything that website and its founder espouse. It’s an easy read, written in a self help book style. I chuckled several times.

[Grace Macej · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious, cheeky and witty writing. So many LOL moments. Absolutely recommended for regular consumers of health/wellness content.

[Ellen Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 - this book is fucking hilarious.

[Sophia · Rating 4 out of 5]

im obsessed with her children

[Beth Oehler]

didn’t find the satire hilarious

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny , but i thought it was going to be more about how negative the GOOP company is in wellness not a parody.

[Brigid · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was most interested in reading Glop: Non-Toxic, Expensive Ideas that Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious after reading the author Gabrielle Moss’ book Paperback Crush: The Totally Radical History of ‘80s and ‘90s Teen Fiction. The humor in Paperback Crush had me laughing the entire time I was reading that book, which made me want to read Gabrielle Moss’s take on Gwyneth Paltrow’s pseudoscientific lifestyle company, Goop. Like Paperback Crush, there was a lot in Glop that I found extremely funny!

Glop is written from the perspective of insane celebrity Glendolyn Poultry, who offers hilarious and terrible tips to a better life, such as holding in urine to cure a fictitious condition known as “lazy vagina”: “And though a very small percentage of women who engage in a dynamic pee-holding lifestyle die each year, I can assure you that is because they didn’t properly warm up, were not pure of heart and soul, or ate wheat products at some point. Or maybe they were fatally hit by a car and just happened to be holding their pee at the same time, so it was registered as a pee-holding-related death—there’s just no way to know.”

I think Glop is an excellent parody of Goop, and perfectly captures the smug way Goop (and its creator) seems to be totally unacquainted with reality. Only in Glop (and Goop) can you find personal finance advice like burning money on a money altar to draw wealth to you, and the power of thinking rich thoughts: “So if your insistence on thinking poor thoughts is keeping you poor, the only way to pull yourself up by your Saint Laurent sandals is to start thinking rich thoughts.”

My personal favorite running joke in the book was Glendolyn mentioning her two children by different names every time she talks about them; these names include: Philamena Hoobastank, Chard, Fiorina Hulahoop, Patient Herbivore, Chillax, Fairuzabalk Hemoglobin, Pharisees Homonculus, Phranklin Mint, Comic-Sans, Palladium Hardware, Corthelia, Pizza Margherita, Chabad, Candida, Chiarruscuro, Perforated Hespadrille, Choade, Pawtucket, and Charro.

Even though Glop is very funny, by the end of this book, I was very ready to be done reading it. I think if this book were a few chapters shorter, or if the parody in this book expanded into genuine satire, I would have been less exhausted as a reader by the end of the book. The humor in this book is very specific to Goop and Gwyneth Paltrow, which I think dates the book tremendously, and I would recommend reading this book sooner than later so the jokes still feel fresh and relevant. I rate this book as three-out-of-five-stars!

[Ben · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having never read Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop, I wasn't sure this book was for me. But as a dedicated reader of Moss's Bustle articles I gave it a shot, and it turns out Glop is the funniest book I've read in years. It reads almost like a classic-era Mad magazine or National Lampoon, with a sharp and elaborate wit that packs a dizzying amount of jokes into its pages (The New Yorker's preview is a good indication of the book's humor). Moss's skewering of celebrity lifestyle zines is incisive, yet never malicious--Glop even shows a touching appreciation for the kind of clueless self-confidence that lets something like Goop thrive. I laughed out loud, I gasped, I didn't want it to end. Bravo, Gabrielle Moss!

[Riegs · Rating 5 out of 5]

***I received a copy of this book through Goodreads' Giveaways in exchange for an honest review.***

If you've ever done a full 360-degree eyeroll over the gazillionaire skincare industry, this is the book for you. While explicitly targeting Gwyneth Paltrow's "GOOP" brand, this book also hilariously skewers terrible beauty advice in a ladies' magazines.

Buy it for your friend who is silly enough to buy $50 cuticle moisturizer, when she could just use coconut oil.

[TJL · Rating 4 out of 5]

God, I love this book.

The bit about "eating bees" was probably my favorite part.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Skimmed it. I don't know how a parody can sustain itself for a whole book but here it is.

[Collette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written

Funny with great writing. A very clever idea well executed. Whether or not you're familiar with the website she's making fun of it's an enjoyable read.