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Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self
Looks at the psychological problems of individuals who were raised by narcissistic parents, and tells how to get rid of the false images they imposed
271 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1992
272 people are currently reading
3079 people want to read
About the author
Elan Golomb
2 books6 followersElan Golomb earned her doctorate in clinical psychology and her certificate in psychoanalysis and psychotherapy from New York University. She has been in private practice in New York since 1972.
"I spent many years studying my own unhappy experiences until I had an 'Aha moment' which inspired me to write these books.
I suffered a troubled love life and didn't understand why I was repeating my mistakes. Only after struggling for years to understand my childhood, did I free myself in my late 50s, when I met and chose someone I could really love, someone who could really love me."
"I spent many years studying my own unhappy experiences until I had an 'Aha moment' which inspired me to write these books.
I suffered a troubled love life and didn't understand why I was repeating my mistakes. Only after struggling for years to understand my childhood, did I free myself in my late 50s, when I met and chose someone I could really love, someone who could really love me."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 142 reviews
July 6, 2012
The idea that this author is in any way justified in writing a book on healing or conquering narcissism is laughable. The book is filled with countless examples of her own insanity--like the time she cracked her skull and insisted on seeing an Eastern meditative healer instead of a doctor. Of course, her parents intervention was proof of their narcissism.
This is a fascinating topic but an awful book. Most of the anecdotes come from group therapy that she ATTENDED instead of led. The book bills itself as an authoritative work on a topic that the author just happens to have a bit of personal experience in. Really, it's a rant, a cathartic work aimed at healing HER wounds and not THE wounds. I think there is a massive conflict on interest in writing about a problem that personally affected everyday of her childhood. Each time she describes narcissistic qualities you can tell she is projected the qualities of her parents. Pass.
This is a fascinating topic but an awful book. Most of the anecdotes come from group therapy that she ATTENDED instead of led. The book bills itself as an authoritative work on a topic that the author just happens to have a bit of personal experience in. Really, it's a rant, a cathartic work aimed at healing HER wounds and not THE wounds. I think there is a massive conflict on interest in writing about a problem that personally affected everyday of her childhood. Each time she describes narcissistic qualities you can tell she is projected the qualities of her parents. Pass.
March 21, 2013
I would say this is fundamentally the most painful book I've ever read as it hit me so personally about my own upbringing. The truths about the particulars that children of narcissists suffer are a daily struggle for me. What a wonderful gift that Golomb has given - even if not every idea works for you, it gives a group of very lost souls a means to navigate the emotional holocaust that is so often at play.
March 6, 2018
I found various insights worth noting here and there but I became too bored with the content to continue after I'd read 50% of the book. I won't be picking it up again and officially put it on my DNF pile.
The delivery of the text is pretty dry and the book is organized in a way I didn't like. As the authors explains the characteristics of a narcissist and the different behavior profiles that manifest in their children she continually inserts herself into the text, "I", "me", "my friend", "my lover", etc, which feels weird. Instead of a clinical and scientific breakdown of a narcissist's mental illness and the clear cause and affect impact experienced by their children, the style of the book is to give the life story summaries of personal friends and clients and point out how their behavior points back to their parent which felt more anecdotal than a trustworthy source.
Reading this, I felt like I stumbled upon a personal blog instead of a self-help book or sat down next to the chatty woman in the coffee shop that won't stop talking about people I don't know. I just didn't care.
This style might gel with other readers but it didn't with me.
In contrast, two books I found to be really helpful and are related/overlap with a narcissistic parent is "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson and "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker.
The delivery of the text is pretty dry and the book is organized in a way I didn't like. As the authors explains the characteristics of a narcissist and the different behavior profiles that manifest in their children she continually inserts herself into the text, "I", "me", "my friend", "my lover", etc, which feels weird. Instead of a clinical and scientific breakdown of a narcissist's mental illness and the clear cause and affect impact experienced by their children, the style of the book is to give the life story summaries of personal friends and clients and point out how their behavior points back to their parent which felt more anecdotal than a trustworthy source.
Reading this, I felt like I stumbled upon a personal blog instead of a self-help book or sat down next to the chatty woman in the coffee shop that won't stop talking about people I don't know. I just didn't care.
This style might gel with other readers but it didn't with me.
In contrast, two books I found to be really helpful and are related/overlap with a narcissistic parent is "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson and "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker.
September 5, 2017
The first half was useful. The second half started to veer off into stories that got more and more far off the beaten path. So I'm stopping at 67%. I'm glad I read this. I needed it. I learned a lot about myself.
p. 28 "The narcissistic parent’s principle, “You don’t count,” means the child’s effort to be seen as an individual is worthy of consideration, if only for trying to understand that her problems are felt by the parent to be an act of treason. The child’s move toward autonomy is greeted by the parent’s pain, resentment, and anger, from which the child learns that becoming a separate person is wrong. A narcissist attempts to define his children’s reality. He tells them what they are feeling and thinking, in contradiction to what they really do feel and think."
p. 29 "Others fearing to try their wings are content to show early promise and to live with the belief that they could be great (and win their parents’ love) if they ever applied themselves, which they dare not do."
p. 30 "She does not know how to protect her interests since she was called selfish by her parents if ever she put her needs ahead of theirs. Loving meant total selflessness, giving the loved one whatever he or she wanted without resentment, competitiveness, or jealousy, even if giving harmed the giver. She was to make the other person happy. Children of narcissists can be a remarkably unselfish breed.
p. 31 "All children need love to survive. If there is no real affection, the child will interpret what attention the parent does offer as love. If all the child receives is criticism, then criticism is interpreted as love and the behavior the parent criticized will be repeated. If the child was only attended to for being slow, sloppy, lazy, careless, etc., all passive-aggressive traits, then these will be retained into adulthood."
p. 31 "Bombarded by evaluations and labels that are not appropriate to him, the child of a narcissist does not know what is real and what is not. He does not know who he is and is prohibited from experimenting through trial and error to find out."
p. 36 "For those adult children who have developed a fairly autonomous self, submission occurs mainly in the presence of the narcissistic parent. For those who have not developed sufficient autonomy, this submissive behavior will go on throughout life, in response to both the negative inner parent and the pressures of the real parent."
p. 53 "The child of a narcissist is not supposed to see her own power, which would threaten the inner parent. ... Credit to the self interferes with obedience to the law: Be nothing."
p. 67 "Pulling in the reins at the last minute became a pattern. He allowed himself to demonstrate ability but not to complete the course. On one level, success might mean trying to please his rejecting father. On another, it might mean replacing him. He was trapped in a limbo of indecision about what to do with his life."
p. 71 "It isn’t pretty or fun to know that we love a person because he mistreats us in specific ways."
p. 75 "As an old man, he visited without telling his kids that he was coming."
p. 97 "The negative introject always feels like a foreign, attacking entity. Its cruelty comes from the unmitigated hostility of the parent as well as the anger of the child at his frustrations."
p. 152 "It was strange to hear him say that I am not to be abused. He has said it over and over since I am psychologically hard of hearing. He was not advising diplomatic retreat but rather that I wean myself of the role of being a punching bag."
p. 28 "The narcissistic parent’s principle, “You don’t count,” means the child’s effort to be seen as an individual is worthy of consideration, if only for trying to understand that her problems are felt by the parent to be an act of treason. The child’s move toward autonomy is greeted by the parent’s pain, resentment, and anger, from which the child learns that becoming a separate person is wrong. A narcissist attempts to define his children’s reality. He tells them what they are feeling and thinking, in contradiction to what they really do feel and think."
p. 29 "Others fearing to try their wings are content to show early promise and to live with the belief that they could be great (and win their parents’ love) if they ever applied themselves, which they dare not do."
p. 30 "She does not know how to protect her interests since she was called selfish by her parents if ever she put her needs ahead of theirs. Loving meant total selflessness, giving the loved one whatever he or she wanted without resentment, competitiveness, or jealousy, even if giving harmed the giver. She was to make the other person happy. Children of narcissists can be a remarkably unselfish breed.
p. 31 "All children need love to survive. If there is no real affection, the child will interpret what attention the parent does offer as love. If all the child receives is criticism, then criticism is interpreted as love and the behavior the parent criticized will be repeated. If the child was only attended to for being slow, sloppy, lazy, careless, etc., all passive-aggressive traits, then these will be retained into adulthood."
p. 31 "Bombarded by evaluations and labels that are not appropriate to him, the child of a narcissist does not know what is real and what is not. He does not know who he is and is prohibited from experimenting through trial and error to find out."
p. 36 "For those adult children who have developed a fairly autonomous self, submission occurs mainly in the presence of the narcissistic parent. For those who have not developed sufficient autonomy, this submissive behavior will go on throughout life, in response to both the negative inner parent and the pressures of the real parent."
p. 53 "The child of a narcissist is not supposed to see her own power, which would threaten the inner parent. ... Credit to the self interferes with obedience to the law: Be nothing."
p. 67 "Pulling in the reins at the last minute became a pattern. He allowed himself to demonstrate ability but not to complete the course. On one level, success might mean trying to please his rejecting father. On another, it might mean replacing him. He was trapped in a limbo of indecision about what to do with his life."
p. 71 "It isn’t pretty or fun to know that we love a person because he mistreats us in specific ways."
p. 75 "As an old man, he visited without telling his kids that he was coming."
p. 97 "The negative introject always feels like a foreign, attacking entity. Its cruelty comes from the unmitigated hostility of the parent as well as the anger of the child at his frustrations."
p. 152 "It was strange to hear him say that I am not to be abused. He has said it over and over since I am psychologically hard of hearing. He was not advising diplomatic retreat but rather that I wean myself of the role of being a punching bag."
November 3, 2009
I'm giving up on this one half way through. What I hoped would be an exploration of adult manifestations of surviving (or trying to survive) a narcissistic family system (or parent), is actually an inarticulate series of caricatures of destructive individuals that, despite the reality of their situations, seem more like titillating psyhco-drama than explanatory case studies. Golomb manages to be both flippant and melodramatic, all the while making sweeping generalizations but failing to present applicable content for the reader. Further, the fact that Golomb is writing about friends and acquaintances rather than clients or verifiable case studies, only increases the haphazard chaos that is this book. It's a depressing, poorly written, disappointingly unhelpful book for anyone curious about the challenges of being an adult child of a narcissist.
April 27, 2010
Another first - I picked this book up before lunch, and read it through my meal, sat in the car reading in my parking lot, and now have finished it in my favorite reading chair, without taking off my coat. There are a couple of reviews I read here that are my reactions as well. The book is cross-eyed hard to get into, but I think this is because the subject matter is difficult, especially for someone who had narcissistic parents. There's not much sense to be had in that brand of childhood. But the words began to resonate in my brain, and then in my gut. I also agree about the travelogue toward the end of the book - but the author is allowed to indulge herself.
A friend (who is also a psychotherapist) had mentioned this book the other day, and I got it from the library today. Having read it, she is undoubtedly a gifted psychotherapist (although I am not her client), as well as a good friend. I've had decades of therapy, with good success with the last, but I understand a lot more now, including how it is an endless and equally fruitless mission to analyze whether your parents meant to hurt you. I'm going to make myself a sculpture of my Negative Introject, and set it right on my desk where I can look it in the eye.
A friend (who is also a psychotherapist) had mentioned this book the other day, and I got it from the library today. Having read it, she is undoubtedly a gifted psychotherapist (although I am not her client), as well as a good friend. I've had decades of therapy, with good success with the last, but I understand a lot more now, including how it is an endless and equally fruitless mission to analyze whether your parents meant to hurt you. I'm going to make myself a sculpture of my Negative Introject, and set it right on my desk where I can look it in the eye.
March 25, 2023
I read this the first time around 2003.
At the time it was a life saver.
20 years later.
Not so much.
It didn’t age well.
Very homophobic passages.
On the bright side:
It’s kind nice to see how far we have we have come.
Perhaps:
The world is becoming warmer 🌍 🔥
In more ways than one 🌈🏳️⚧️💕
At the time it was a life saver.
20 years later.
Not so much.
It didn’t age well.
Very homophobic passages.
On the bright side:
It’s kind nice to see how far we have we have come.
Perhaps:
The world is becoming warmer 🌍 🔥
In more ways than one 🌈🏳️⚧️💕
December 19, 2016
Poorly organized, lacking in any clinical rigor, and simply troubling at times. This book was a hot mess. Given the author's creds, I thought this would have some research or scientific rigor behind it. Nope. It was much more akin to a memoir as it gave anecdotes from her own life along with many of her friends and colleagues. There is no doubt that the people featured in this book have endured rejection and pain at the hands of their parents, however it wasn't clear how much of it was due to narcissistic parents versus garden variety emotional abuse. According to wikipedia (I know I know...) narcissistic personality disorder affects 1% of the population.
At the risk of belittling the author's pain and trauma, she didn't seem have enough distance or objective perspective to give the reader with a useful understanding of the topic. In fact, she came off as a piece of work (yes, saying that makes me an asshole). For sure, those who have endured emotional abuse will probably identify with many of the stories and it will strike a chord for them. For everyone else, it feels like an unfortunate melodrama.
And then there were troubling statements like these that turn sexuality into a direct result of abuse, likening it to a mental health disorder. Folks, this is a big NOPE. When I read the section on Victoria, I couldn't help but think that she was simply a lesbian, and that was the cause of the tension between her and her parents.
When people asked me what I've been reading and I told them about this book. An almost universal reaction was that maybe I'll gain some understanding into Donald Trump's children. I'm sorry to say this book gave no insight or understanding that I could apply to the spawn of our soon to be POTUS.
Do not recommend.
At the risk of belittling the author's pain and trauma, she didn't seem have enough distance or objective perspective to give the reader with a useful understanding of the topic. In fact, she came off as a piece of work (yes, saying that makes me an asshole). For sure, those who have endured emotional abuse will probably identify with many of the stories and it will strike a chord for them. For everyone else, it feels like an unfortunate melodrama.
And then there were troubling statements like these that turn sexuality into a direct result of abuse, likening it to a mental health disorder. Folks, this is a big NOPE. When I read the section on Victoria, I couldn't help but think that she was simply a lesbian, and that was the cause of the tension between her and her parents.
When people asked me what I've been reading and I told them about this book. An almost universal reaction was that maybe I'll gain some understanding into Donald Trump's children. I'm sorry to say this book gave no insight or understanding that I could apply to the spawn of our soon to be POTUS.
Do not recommend.
January 14, 2018
While you’ll find the occasional insight in this book, they are few and far between, and aren’t anything you couldn’t find in the multiplicity of online support groups for survivors of abusive parents. Further, these insights are buried so far beneath sedimentary layers of bad clinical practice, conjecture, countertransference, and bigotry (racism, homophobia/transphobia, fatphobia, sex-negativity), that it’s not worth the time or energy to read the book and unearth them. As a mental health professional, I found this book genuinely disturbing. Not only were Holcomb’s personal issues and beliefs problematic and unbecoming in a personal and professional sense, the book was riddled with factual errors and appeared to endorse numerous clinical practices that were questionable at best, downright unethical at worst.
So, if you’re interested in slogging through a therapist’s adventures in poor professional boundaries, countertransference, and self-indulgent bullshit more generally, go for it. If you’re looking for useful advice on dealing with a toxic parent, here’s mine: cut them off and don’t look back. The only thing you’ll regret is not doing it sooner. See a licensed therapist to help with the process if you need to.
So, if you’re interested in slogging through a therapist’s adventures in poor professional boundaries, countertransference, and self-indulgent bullshit more generally, go for it. If you’re looking for useful advice on dealing with a toxic parent, here’s mine: cut them off and don’t look back. The only thing you’ll regret is not doing it sooner. See a licensed therapist to help with the process if you need to.
April 9, 2011
(Recommended to me by my therapist). An excellent treatise on the influence of narcissistic individuals in those for whom abuse and negativity feels more like normal behavior than dysfunction. The author is a well-educated clinical psychologist who herself is the child of two narcissistic parents. Adeptly weaving her experiences with those of her friends, patients, and other individuals, she helps us to recognize the thought patterns and unintentional, automatic reactions to challenges that everyone faces, but with which adult children can struggle against depression, bulimia, fear, suicidal thoughts, and psychosis. The writer's style dips in and out of clinical assessment, stream-of-consciousness, and rational analysis, proving over and over again that there are many ways to deal confidently and successfully with people who try to control our thoughts and emotions, and because it presents this multi-faceted picture, is not only helpful, but interesting and engaging to read. I recommend this highly for anyone dealing with unfortunate life patterns triggered by inability to recognize the influence of narcissistic individuals at work, at home, or in relationships.
March 7, 2017
Outstanding, but obviously triggered many reviewers!
After finishing this book, I am amazed by the number or reviewers who were critical of the format of the book, questioned semantics, disputed the author's credentials, and so on. The conclusion I have come to is that this book is spot on, and those who walked away from it for the aforementioned reasons were actually avoiding doing the work they need to do.
As the child of narcissistic parents, I saw myself and them throughout this book. I came to a better understanding of how that experience has colored my life, and I feel like I have some new strategies for growth. Highly recommended -ignore the nay-sayers and do the work!
After finishing this book, I am amazed by the number or reviewers who were critical of the format of the book, questioned semantics, disputed the author's credentials, and so on. The conclusion I have come to is that this book is spot on, and those who walked away from it for the aforementioned reasons were actually avoiding doing the work they need to do.
As the child of narcissistic parents, I saw myself and them throughout this book. I came to a better understanding of how that experience has colored my life, and I feel like I have some new strategies for growth. Highly recommended -ignore the nay-sayers and do the work!
June 7, 2014
I agree with those that found Trapped in the Mirror difficult going and time consuming to read because of the fact that it hits so close to home. I also agree that Golomb's tangents don't always work and are sometimes cumbersome. She reaches in all directions with her comparisons, to her own dreams, and once to a Mobius strip--it gets a bit sprawling.
But sometimes this manner really works for me, and allows me to remember experiences I've had myself, but through incorporating both intellectual and metaphoric language. I like the intellectual and metaphoric distance, it makes the emotional work of reading something like this more palatable.
Some therapists have said that creative people avoid knowing their neuroses by turning their problems into art. But this can be quite untrue. A creative person hears his crying self and can't avoid what he thinks and feels. He may use creative powers for healing and seek imaginary or real solutions. The narcissistic parent often teaches her child there is only perfection or shame. If you open yourself to creativity, there is an infinity of visions. Look at your dreams, the tales you love to hear or tell, and things you find beautiful. You will see a young self waiting to develop. We are always young and always old.
But sometimes this manner really works for me, and allows me to remember experiences I've had myself, but through incorporating both intellectual and metaphoric language. I like the intellectual and metaphoric distance, it makes the emotional work of reading something like this more palatable.
Some therapists have said that creative people avoid knowing their neuroses by turning their problems into art. But this can be quite untrue. A creative person hears his crying self and can't avoid what he thinks and feels. He may use creative powers for healing and seek imaginary or real solutions. The narcissistic parent often teaches her child there is only perfection or shame. If you open yourself to creativity, there is an infinity of visions. Look at your dreams, the tales you love to hear or tell, and things you find beautiful. You will see a young self waiting to develop. We are always young and always old.
September 17, 2009
I'm torn between three and four stars. So many of the descriptions of certain emotions/behaviors in this book were so exacting for me that I wanted to pull out a highlighter, just to make the point abundantly clear to myself (people who know me and the way I treat books will be shocked at this urge... and will not be surprised to know that I resisted the highlighter). The confirmation of these emotions and actions and why I experience them is illuminating and gratifying.
On the other hand, many of the other descriptions simply didn't fit my experience and I felt myself frustrated by this seeming inconsistency... only to learn in this book that this desire to have everything be wholly black or white is one of the symptoms of the adult child of a narcissist! Of course no two patients would have the same symptoms. The book has given me a lot to think about and, although I found bits and pieces to be a bit dated (I would like to read a revised and updated version from the author), I am thankful for the recommend and feel that what I take away from it will ultimately really help me.
On the other hand, many of the other descriptions simply didn't fit my experience and I felt myself frustrated by this seeming inconsistency... only to learn in this book that this desire to have everything be wholly black or white is one of the symptoms of the adult child of a narcissist! Of course no two patients would have the same symptoms. The book has given me a lot to think about and, although I found bits and pieces to be a bit dated (I would like to read a revised and updated version from the author), I am thankful for the recommend and feel that what I take away from it will ultimately really help me.
December 31, 2012
For any child who has grown up in a home with narcissistic parents, this book provides real insight to the family dynamics that can create damage that lasts for a lifetime. Recommended by my therapist,Trapped in the Mirror allowed me to look from the outside in and understand more about my own family dysfunction.
September 13, 2011
Insightful, personal, scientific, and deeply relatable delving into the reasons, motivations, consequences, and recovery related to being the child of a narcissistic parent. I'm stunned this author has not written more! She's shockingly personal while maintaining scientific fervor.
August 20, 2016
This is one deep and heavy book which forces one to look into the deep recesses of one's soul in order to wrestle with the damage familial pedagogy causes. In retrospect, we're all innocent and we're all to blame but instead of voicing the blame, shame, and guilt, we should recognize our introjected parents and realize that nobody can make us feel a certain way; we are our own person and we're in charge of our lives.
Before I could reason, I was indoctrinated into a cult, Christian Science, and as Sam Harris with a B.A. in Philosophy and a PhD in Neuroscience explains in his lecture - Morality and the Christian God - Christianity is a Cult of Human Sacrifice. It does not repudiate sacrifice but instead celebrates it. The main tenet of Christian Science is based on presuppositional apologetics which gaslights its followers into believing that reality, including physical and emotional pain, are manifestations of the mind. I was brainwashed into believing that if I “knew the truth” my pain would cease to exist, that my reality would be the right one, and those who acted against me would of course be wrong as I was this proposed deity’s perfect child.
"There is no life, truth, intelligence, nor substance in matter. All is infinite Mind and its infinite manifestation, for God is All-in-all. Spirit is immortal Truth; matter is mortal error. Spirit is the real and eternal; matter is the unreal and temporal. Spirit is God, and man is His image and likeness. Therefore man is not material; he is spiritual."
Scientific Statement of Being
Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures
by Mary Baker Eddy, p. 468:9–15
Due to the dysfunction and the teachings of these combined cults my feelings, whether due to emotional turmoil or physical pain, were not validated but it was also argued that they did not exist. As for the cult of human sacrifice, I believed that a magical sky daddy loved me so much that it created hell and a devil to torture me for eternity if I did not love, respect, and worship it. This is Stockholm syndrome in a magical thinking sort of way as defined by Anthropology. This was my identity and I was a “good” Christian who was stubborn, arrogant, controlling, manipulative, apathetic at times, who had a god-complex and could not be reasoned with. I believed I was omnibenevolent and therefore, believed my actions to be wholly good. In trying to look good even when looking bad to escape eternal torture, I too developed some of the traits of the Dark Triad.
I have grown immensely but I've not yet put it to words; however, I do love the works of Plato and Socrates so I will end with a favorite quote.
"The fear of death is indeed the pretense of wisdom, and not real wisdom, being the appearance of knowing the unknown; since no one knows whether death, which they in their fear apprehend to be the greatest evil, may not be the greatest good."
- Plato’s The Apology
Before I could reason, I was indoctrinated into a cult, Christian Science, and as Sam Harris with a B.A. in Philosophy and a PhD in Neuroscience explains in his lecture - Morality and the Christian God - Christianity is a Cult of Human Sacrifice. It does not repudiate sacrifice but instead celebrates it. The main tenet of Christian Science is based on presuppositional apologetics which gaslights its followers into believing that reality, including physical and emotional pain, are manifestations of the mind. I was brainwashed into believing that if I “knew the truth” my pain would cease to exist, that my reality would be the right one, and those who acted against me would of course be wrong as I was this proposed deity’s perfect child.
"There is no life, truth, intelligence, nor substance in matter. All is infinite Mind and its infinite manifestation, for God is All-in-all. Spirit is immortal Truth; matter is mortal error. Spirit is the real and eternal; matter is the unreal and temporal. Spirit is God, and man is His image and likeness. Therefore man is not material; he is spiritual."
Scientific Statement of Being
Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures
by Mary Baker Eddy, p. 468:9–15
Due to the dysfunction and the teachings of these combined cults my feelings, whether due to emotional turmoil or physical pain, were not validated but it was also argued that they did not exist. As for the cult of human sacrifice, I believed that a magical sky daddy loved me so much that it created hell and a devil to torture me for eternity if I did not love, respect, and worship it. This is Stockholm syndrome in a magical thinking sort of way as defined by Anthropology. This was my identity and I was a “good” Christian who was stubborn, arrogant, controlling, manipulative, apathetic at times, who had a god-complex and could not be reasoned with. I believed I was omnibenevolent and therefore, believed my actions to be wholly good. In trying to look good even when looking bad to escape eternal torture, I too developed some of the traits of the Dark Triad.
I have grown immensely but I've not yet put it to words; however, I do love the works of Plato and Socrates so I will end with a favorite quote.
"The fear of death is indeed the pretense of wisdom, and not real wisdom, being the appearance of knowing the unknown; since no one knows whether death, which they in their fear apprehend to be the greatest evil, may not be the greatest good."
- Plato’s The Apology
January 21, 2021
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
The topic is fascinating and relevant, so I was able to identify with a few poignant points made in the book.
However, I would proceed with caution and take what is said with a heaping pile of salt. This is not a book based on sound research, but a compilation of anecdotes that is highly editorialized. It's like...watching a Doctor Oz episode to try to handle a serious illness. Or...idk, what's another facetious analogy I can make? It's like getting news from a Facebook rant?
So, while some points here and there hit home for me....for example:
"The children of narcissists emerge from the crucible with a common and most serious problem. They feel that they do not have a right to exist. Their selves have been twisted out of their natural shape since any movement toward independence is treated as a betrayal..."
Oof, right?
But then those points are undercut by sentences like this:
"Her feelings must have been in a state of alarm but the child of a narcissist does not properly read inner signals and an obese person is even less in touch.
uhm. bitch WHAT?
OR
"Homosexuality can be a neurotic sexual choice but it also doesn't have to be."
BITCH WHAT.
I guess soooooo........?
This is goddamn alarming.
What's even more alarming is that Elan Golomb writes this with as much authority as I could write about it, really. Which maybe is arrogant of me to say, since she's the one with a phD. But I guess we're all a little bit narcissistic. Or maybe just me.
The topic is fascinating and relevant, so I was able to identify with a few poignant points made in the book.
However, I would proceed with caution and take what is said with a heaping pile of salt. This is not a book based on sound research, but a compilation of anecdotes that is highly editorialized. It's like...watching a Doctor Oz episode to try to handle a serious illness. Or...idk, what's another facetious analogy I can make? It's like getting news from a Facebook rant?
So, while some points here and there hit home for me....for example:
"The children of narcissists emerge from the crucible with a common and most serious problem. They feel that they do not have a right to exist. Their selves have been twisted out of their natural shape since any movement toward independence is treated as a betrayal..."
Oof, right?
But then those points are undercut by sentences like this:
"Her feelings must have been in a state of alarm but the child of a narcissist does not properly read inner signals and an obese person is even less in touch.
uhm. bitch WHAT?
OR
"Homosexuality can be a neurotic sexual choice but it also doesn't have to be."
BITCH WHAT.
I guess soooooo........?
This is goddamn alarming.
What's even more alarming is that Elan Golomb writes this with as much authority as I could write about it, really. Which maybe is arrogant of me to say, since she's the one with a phD. But I guess we're all a little bit narcissistic. Or maybe just me.
December 15, 2022
The first half was great with a lot of relevant clinical info for mental health professionals and adult children of narcissists. The things I appreciated about the first half was having a better understanding of the family dynamics that occur when one parent is the narcissist, why there seems to be a golden child and passive coparent that aren’t as entwined with the dysfunctional parent and how and why narcissistic rage develop. This can be especially helpful in cases of complex PTSD or if we are seeing features of borderline personality disorder yet know there was significant trauma and dysfunction behind the scenes.
The case studies, while interesting, were also uncomfortable solely because she was not a clinician describing cases (you may think that’s the case because of Golomb’s doctorate in clinical psychology) but the case studies are her personal friends! This is unethical and biased in itself. If they were individuals that she had been doing psychotherapy work with I think there would have been more for the reader to gain, but instead the “case reports” aka narratives felt gossipy and speculative at best.
The case studies, while interesting, were also uncomfortable solely because she was not a clinician describing cases (you may think that’s the case because of Golomb’s doctorate in clinical psychology) but the case studies are her personal friends! This is unethical and biased in itself. If they were individuals that she had been doing psychotherapy work with I think there would have been more for the reader to gain, but instead the “case reports” aka narratives felt gossipy and speculative at best.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 22, 2015
I saw this book recommended on Psychology Today so I had high hopes. Well a few chapters at the beginning were helpful and well organized. I found that the second half of the book seemed like emotional purging and less instructive. I found her to be judgmental of her friends in the very same way she claimed her parents were of others. This book needed tighter editing. I wanted to finish it but didn't see the point. The chapter "How to find and heal yourself" was more about how the author tried to heal herself. If you like autobiographies this book is for you. If you are looking for self-help look else where.
August 26, 2008
This is a very interesting book. It should be noted that every person is multifaceted, and reading this book gave me glimpses of insight into my own experiences throughout my life. While no one experience listed here fits perfectly into my own pattern growing up, there are shadows of patterns that I learned a tremendous amount from. It took me a little while to get through this book because it was very thought provoking for me. There are occasional swear words, so if you're sensitive to that...maybe 3 or 4 in the whole book.
June 7, 2018
Don't overlook this thinking that the content is bound only to adult children of narcissists, there's actually a range of issues covered in the book that will likely resonate with anyone still reeling from the contemptible actions of others from their past. Obviously your mileage may vary depending on your personal circumstances but it's all very earnest.
August 3, 2014
This book was given to me by a friend who thought it was great. It didn't live up to my expectations at all. This is not a thoughtful piece of academic literature written by an expert in the field. It's definitely not a clear, thoughtful path to self-healing. It's a psychologically damaged woman writing about her scarring childhood and exposing the problems of her friends and relations as supporting evidence of her own personal theories. Some of the conclusions are just incredulous. A narcissistic mother turned her child into a lesbian? Really? So much of this is psychobabble. There is not a single legitimate case study. There are no foot notes, no academic references nor an appendix with explanations of any research findings. This is nothing more than a sad little girl who grew into a sad little woman who publicly whines about her father in a misguided attempt to garner feelings of legitimacy for her personal problems. Parents are the most unoriginal scapegoats ever. Take responsibly for yourself! I do think some people who have suffered her same fate will find comfort in commiserating, so that's something. For me, this book was difficult to get through without getting pissed off or just laughing out loud. However, the real shame is in the personal, public humiliation. I feel embarrassed for Élan and her family. I know this is really, really harsh and I do feel badly about that. But I guess if you publish a book, you're asking for it. At least she made some money off my friend's purchase.
May 14, 2024
Technically, this is a lie. I didn't finish reading this book, but nevertheless I was finished with it.
At first, "Trapped in the Mirror" offers lots of hard hitting stories and reflections. However, roughly 100 pages in and the author starts describing a situation where a woman thought she was a lesbian but turned out not to be.
"Lesbianism can be a healthy sexual choice or the result of deprivation." (p. 99)
Dang, this book is showing its age.
I decided to let that slide; take what works and ignore the rest. However, the rest became extremely hard to ignore. Ahem:
"In our culture, the father defines the female role." (p. 102)
"As her mother's possession, she was not to have the pleasure of men. This is one of the foundations of lesbianism. Being raised by an emotionally withholding mother who turned her from men also led her to seek the love of women." (p. 102)
The point where I was officially done was on page 109: "Homosexuality can be a neurotic sexual choice but it doesn't have to be."
This book is a product of its time, but there are better books out there that deal with familial trauma or narcissism without making inaccurate pseudo-Freudian comments about someone not being heterosexual.
At first, "Trapped in the Mirror" offers lots of hard hitting stories and reflections. However, roughly 100 pages in and the author starts describing a situation where a woman thought she was a lesbian but turned out not to be.
"Lesbianism can be a healthy sexual choice or the result of deprivation." (p. 99)
Dang, this book is showing its age.
I decided to let that slide; take what works and ignore the rest. However, the rest became extremely hard to ignore. Ahem:
"In our culture, the father defines the female role." (p. 102)
"As her mother's possession, she was not to have the pleasure of men. This is one of the foundations of lesbianism. Being raised by an emotionally withholding mother who turned her from men also led her to seek the love of women." (p. 102)
The point where I was officially done was on page 109: "Homosexuality can be a neurotic sexual choice but it doesn't have to be."
This book is a product of its time, but there are better books out there that deal with familial trauma or narcissism without making inaccurate pseudo-Freudian comments about someone not being heterosexual.
August 10, 2018
This book is only useful as a way to understand the author. She has a hatred of people who are overweight (oh the number of theories she has about obesity that are not rooted in science!) thinks people become lesbians because they have bad dads (and other troubling theories about sexuality), forced affection on a small child and blamed his rejection of her affection on his dad’s narcissism, and has not been able to establish any sort of healthy boundaries with her parents despite being an expert in narcissism for decades. She also gets into a fight with one of her interview subjects DURING the interview and then blames it on HIS narcissism.
This book is not a rigorous analysis of narcissism and does not use rigorous methods to build the case studies/examples. She does not refer to established research, but instead uses her own observations. She also uses friends and family as the subjects and all of the cases somehow come back to her own experiences.
I believe that this book causes far more harm than it can possibly help.
This book is not a rigorous analysis of narcissism and does not use rigorous methods to build the case studies/examples. She does not refer to established research, but instead uses her own observations. She also uses friends and family as the subjects and all of the cases somehow come back to her own experiences.
I believe that this book causes far more harm than it can possibly help.
June 10, 2019
This author makes far too many unnecessary and unsupported leaps to create underlying narratives as explanations for the behavior of narcissistic parents and their children. The most egregious (and the reason I stopped reading halfway through, no longer trusting the credibility of the author) was the conclusion that a woman's turning away from her natural heterosexuality and her pursuit of same sex relationships was the result of narcissistic parenting. The author introduces that aside with no further explanation or even attempt at qualification, them moves right on top other things. This statement has devastating potential repercussions for any reader who takes it to heart.
There are complex underlying factors at play when a parent is a narcissist, but more rigorously evidence-based books about narcissistic parents are available and do a more responsible job exploring those factors. Do not read this book.
If you want dramatic descriptions of epic struggles resulting from primal urges and betrayals, read some Shakespeare instead.
There are complex underlying factors at play when a parent is a narcissist, but more rigorously evidence-based books about narcissistic parents are available and do a more responsible job exploring those factors. Do not read this book.
If you want dramatic descriptions of epic struggles resulting from primal urges and betrayals, read some Shakespeare instead.
July 28, 2017
Thought the book was decent. Her phycology and examples were very helpful to see what ill effects narcissists can have. However, most of the book felt like someone who still struggles with her narcissistic parents and still harbors bitterness toward them. I thought the examples were helpful in some ways but most of the book in the middle was simply example after example of very similar stories told in different ways without any point. I felt that she also lacked empathy for the narcissist and put them in an almost inhuman box removing any hints of goodness or love. I also feel that she didn't talk about the varying levels of narcissism (as that term is way overly used) and that she didn't give thought to those different effects. I'm giving it a two because even though I see many problems with the book, I still thought what she said from purely a logical point of view made some sense.
December 7, 2020
"To herald these changes, she has developed a sexual relationship with a man. This is after a five-year hiatus of cloistered lesbianism. Lesbianism can be a healthy sexual choice or the result of self-deprivation. In Victoria's case, having had a mother who called her inadequate and kept her from her dad resulted in a lifelong inhibition of her heterosexual urges. Victoria fears that no man would want to be with her."
Like seriously, I know this book was written in 1992, but wtf? And then there's the fat phobia throughout this book too. It started out interesting, but got worse as it went on. Don't bother with this one for any self help or to learn more about narcissism. It's not good for that, try something newer. Also, totally lacking in any actual research, it's just several stories that don't explain anything or show how to cope/fix things.
Like seriously, I know this book was written in 1992, but wtf? And then there's the fat phobia throughout this book too. It started out interesting, but got worse as it went on. Don't bother with this one for any self help or to learn more about narcissism. It's not good for that, try something newer. Also, totally lacking in any actual research, it's just several stories that don't explain anything or show how to cope/fix things.
September 11, 2011
This book was interesting. I read it because my stepdaughter asked me to. She said that in her opinion, her mother is a narcissist and the book is geared for the adult children of people with this condition. It makes me more compassionate as my stepdaughter has had many life problems which my husband and I have helped her with repeatedly. She is now doing well - holding a job, living on her own. It gives an interesting and a bit disturbing view of what her childhood may have been like and why some of her choices were not the best for her.
April 17, 2014
Interesting to see the wide range of responses to this book--and the virulence of some of the negative reviews. Sounds like people were taking it personally.
This book gave me a lot to think about, though I did find the author obtrusive and kind of meandering at times. I didn't come out of it with clear takeaways, except that I would like to read some less personal books on the subject. A good introduction, though.
This book gave me a lot to think about, though I did find the author obtrusive and kind of meandering at times. I didn't come out of it with clear takeaways, except that I would like to read some less personal books on the subject. A good introduction, though.
February 7, 2017
This is an awful book. Just awful. The anecdotes are long and rambling, full of excessive description without regular pauses to stop and contextualise the behaviour, step by step, into a comprehensive understanding of narcissism. It reads like someone's diary - gossipy and long winded, self indulgent, and without the clarity and wisdom of long range hindsight. I was forced to abandon it. The worst book about narcissism I have ever read.
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