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Loveable: Embracing What Is Truest About You, So You Can Truly Embrace Your Life
“We rarely remember the precious months or years when we experienced our worthiness as a fact. A given. Something as present, real, and natural as breathing and playing and animal crackers.”
IT’S TIME TO REMEMBER.
Dr. Kelly Flanagan is a clinical psychologist and father known to millions for the letters he writes to his children and shares on his blog. LOVEABLE is written to the little one in each of us, who is all too ready to be reminded: you are enough, you are not alone, and you matter.
In LOVEABLE, Dr. Flanagan reveals the core insight gleaned from his years of clinical work: you are here for a reason, yet you cannot truly awaken to it until you have first embraced your truest, worthiest self and then allowed yourself to be truly embraced by others.
Weaving heart-warming storytelling, gentle insights, and the wisdom of Dr. Flanagan’s Christian tradition—including his belief that we are all “the living, breathing bearers of the eternal, transcendent, and limitless Love that spun the planets and hung the stars”—these pages invite you to remember the name you were given before all other names: Loveable.
IT’S TIME TO REMEMBER.
Dr. Kelly Flanagan is a clinical psychologist and father known to millions for the letters he writes to his children and shares on his blog. LOVEABLE is written to the little one in each of us, who is all too ready to be reminded: you are enough, you are not alone, and you matter.
In LOVEABLE, Dr. Flanagan reveals the core insight gleaned from his years of clinical work: you are here for a reason, yet you cannot truly awaken to it until you have first embraced your truest, worthiest self and then allowed yourself to be truly embraced by others.
Weaving heart-warming storytelling, gentle insights, and the wisdom of Dr. Flanagan’s Christian tradition—including his belief that we are all “the living, breathing bearers of the eternal, transcendent, and limitless Love that spun the planets and hung the stars”—these pages invite you to remember the name you were given before all other names: Loveable.
240 pages, Paperback
Published March 21, 2017
223 people are currently reading
705 people want to read
About the author
Kelly Flanagan
5 books77 followersDr. Kelly Flanagan is an award-winning author, international speaker, concierge coach, and clinical psychologist with two decades of expertise in interpersonal relationships. His thought leadership has been featured in THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, the TODAY Show, and Success Magazine. His first two books, LOVEABLE and TRUE COMPANIONS were #1 New Releases in Interpersonal Relations on Amazon, and his debut novel, THE UNHIDING OF ELIJAH CAMPBELL, won multiple literary awards. The proprietary frameworks in his book THE ROAD LESS TRIGGERED will take your relationships to a level that traditional communication strategies can’t touch. He is married to another clinical psychologist named Kelly, and they have three children—one adulting, and two at home in their small town outside of Chicago.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 98 reviews
June 13, 2023
3 stars
If you are Christian and are looking for a helpful, loving nudge or even permission to accept yourself as God made you and to run with that - then this is the book for you. Especially if you come from one of the more judgemental, fire and damnation churches and are attempting to shed that sort of harsh negativity in your life.
Besides that, it would also greatly help if you like reading pleasant, vague personal tales that sort of have an illustrative quality about what the author is trying to get across. Not so much parables, as impressionistic, emotional snippets from his and his family's life that the author emotionally associates with the topic at hand.
I'm in neither one of these groups. Not Christian and have a dislike for vague, impressionistic anecdotes in lieu of solid bullet points and concrete, working examples. So, I'm not exactly the target audience here, even if I am a self-improvement reader.
With thoses niggles identified, Kelly Flanagan does a very good job of doing what he setting out to do. He walks Christians who feel let down by church, society, relationships, work and disassociated with God just in general through a 3-step "awakening" process.
A. Worthiness (You are enough)
B. Belonging (You are not alone)
C. Purpose (You matter)
Can you find this info elsewhere? Sure. He's not saying anything new, but he is saying it rather nicely. Is it helpful? Yes, it is. Would you recommend this book? If you are a Christian who needs a big hug and some inspiring words to be able to be yourself - yes.
If you are Christian and are looking for a helpful, loving nudge or even permission to accept yourself as God made you and to run with that - then this is the book for you. Especially if you come from one of the more judgemental, fire and damnation churches and are attempting to shed that sort of harsh negativity in your life.
Besides that, it would also greatly help if you like reading pleasant, vague personal tales that sort of have an illustrative quality about what the author is trying to get across. Not so much parables, as impressionistic, emotional snippets from his and his family's life that the author emotionally associates with the topic at hand.
I'm in neither one of these groups. Not Christian and have a dislike for vague, impressionistic anecdotes in lieu of solid bullet points and concrete, working examples. So, I'm not exactly the target audience here, even if I am a self-improvement reader.
With thoses niggles identified, Kelly Flanagan does a very good job of doing what he setting out to do. He walks Christians who feel let down by church, society, relationships, work and disassociated with God just in general through a 3-step "awakening" process.
A. Worthiness (You are enough)
B. Belonging (You are not alone)
C. Purpose (You matter)
Can you find this info elsewhere? Sure. He's not saying anything new, but he is saying it rather nicely. Is it helpful? Yes, it is. Would you recommend this book? If you are a Christian who needs a big hug and some inspiring words to be able to be yourself - yes.
February 9, 2017
I got more than I bargained for with this delightful and powerful book. And the strangest thing about it is that it isn’t overly religious, despite the fact that it comes from (what I think is) an evangelical publisher, Zondervan. You won’t find a reference to God until you’re five percent into the book on your Kindle, and actual stories from the Bible are minimal at best. In fact, the author — Kelly Flanagan — talks about late in the book the fact that it got passed on by religious publishers for not being spiritual enough, but also passed over by some others for being “too spiritual”. There’s no middle ground with this book, but, despite that, there is a universality to the book no matter what you believe. The message is so universal that one section of the book, originally published as a blog post, went viral and got the author and his daughter on the Today show as a result. Just one step taken towards getting this book written and in front of an audience, whether it be sacred or secular or both.
Loveable is a powerful book because I went through such a wide range of emotions as I read it. Before I get to that, I suppose it’s best to summarize what the book is about. The book is in three acts, each taking the form of a fictional novel’s character arc. The first act is about stifling the shame in you and allowing your inner child to come out and play through some kind of “inciting incident” that changes how you look at yourself. The second act is about finding members of your tribe who might allow you to play authentically — overcoming rejection and all as you go through that “stage”. And the third act is about finding your passion in life and going out and doing it. It may not be the thing that makes you any money, but it is the thing that brings purpose to your live and finds the little one doing what he or she loves best. In fact, the whole book takes its premise from a Mark Twain quote that, roughly paraphrased, states that the most important day of your life is when you were born, but the second most important day is when you find out who you really wanted to be.
Read more here: https://medium.com/@zachary_houle/a-r...
Loveable is a powerful book because I went through such a wide range of emotions as I read it. Before I get to that, I suppose it’s best to summarize what the book is about. The book is in three acts, each taking the form of a fictional novel’s character arc. The first act is about stifling the shame in you and allowing your inner child to come out and play through some kind of “inciting incident” that changes how you look at yourself. The second act is about finding members of your tribe who might allow you to play authentically — overcoming rejection and all as you go through that “stage”. And the third act is about finding your passion in life and going out and doing it. It may not be the thing that makes you any money, but it is the thing that brings purpose to your live and finds the little one doing what he or she loves best. In fact, the whole book takes its premise from a Mark Twain quote that, roughly paraphrased, states that the most important day of your life is when you were born, but the second most important day is when you find out who you really wanted to be.
Read more here: https://medium.com/@zachary_houle/a-r...
February 7, 2017
I didn't realize I didn't write a review here! Basically, this book was like a sneak ninja attack to my psyche. He was so good at taking common yet tough subjects and holding them up to the light in a non-threatening, relatable way. I'm actually embarrassed by how much I cried reading this. I feel like such a wimp! In all seriousness, if you've ever struggled with, oh I don't know, ANYTHING and want to try a long distance relationship with therapy, give this book a chance. It's one of the good ones!
March 6, 2017
Life isn't about comparison; it's about connection.
Very conflicted with this one. The author became a internet sensation when a letter that he wrote to his daughter became shared 1000 of times and then it hit such a need, he was asked to come on the Today Show. His letter to his daughter basically told her that if she had to earn a person's interest or proving her worth to another with her looks, abilities, etc. that relationships should not be built on proving your worth. He also continued to write several more letters to his 3 children that was directed to their worth, the shame that they carry and the connection that they desire.
All these things can hit home for us as well. The problem that I had with this and he also addressed was that he mixed his theology in with it. With less than handful of scripture and his source of worth not biblical (the glory of God), it would have been better served to leave out the theology. His description of God and God's will was not based on scripture but experience. More for our feeling good about ourselves than for God's glory. Sin was not addressed but the sin against us was addressed.
This is a self-help book to help you embrace yourself and that you do not need to be embraced by everyone else. There is some truth to that. The truth that was lacking was the source of the Gospel.
No doubt that Flanagan has a heart for those to live life to the fullest and to see the child in each of us to be validated, but not at the expense of the gospel. In short this the best life now theology
A Special Thank you to Zondervan and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
Very conflicted with this one. The author became a internet sensation when a letter that he wrote to his daughter became shared 1000 of times and then it hit such a need, he was asked to come on the Today Show. His letter to his daughter basically told her that if she had to earn a person's interest or proving her worth to another with her looks, abilities, etc. that relationships should not be built on proving your worth. He also continued to write several more letters to his 3 children that was directed to their worth, the shame that they carry and the connection that they desire.
All these things can hit home for us as well. The problem that I had with this and he also addressed was that he mixed his theology in with it. With less than handful of scripture and his source of worth not biblical (the glory of God), it would have been better served to leave out the theology. His description of God and God's will was not based on scripture but experience. More for our feeling good about ourselves than for God's glory. Sin was not addressed but the sin against us was addressed.
This is a self-help book to help you embrace yourself and that you do not need to be embraced by everyone else. There is some truth to that. The truth that was lacking was the source of the Gospel.
No doubt that Flanagan has a heart for those to live life to the fullest and to see the child in each of us to be validated, but not at the expense of the gospel. In short this the best life now theology
A Special Thank you to Zondervan and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
February 14, 2017
This is my most favorite book! Dr Flanagan is so in-tune to the Human Experience and to relationships, and all they hold for us in our lives! Not just our relationships with our significant others and our children, but most importantly, our relationships with ourselves!! I've been following his blogs for years and this book is another prime example of why!
I trust all he has to say, and I do my best to remember it, and live it daily!! This book is a MUST READ, MUST OWN, and MUST CHERISH!!
"Note: I received an advanced copy of the book in exchange for an honest review."
I trust all he has to say, and I do my best to remember it, and live it daily!! This book is a MUST READ, MUST OWN, and MUST CHERISH!!
"Note: I received an advanced copy of the book in exchange for an honest review."
February 22, 2017
I am rather undone after reading this book, but in a very good way. It's been a long time since I've read something so impactful and insightful. I've never read anything that spoke to me quite as gently and yet with the force of a loving comrade urging me on. Urging me on to "remember to remember". Urging me to "come out and play". SO very much to contemplate in these pages.
June 16, 2020
I was going to text this to my friend who sent me this book, but I’ll put it here instead for others to see along with her.
I read this book in three days time. I couldn’t put it down even though I should have. It’s A LOT to take in, to process. I underlined so much in the book and took many notes, and I will probably read it again in a couple weeks. I was so skeptical with the first act (the author talks of three), but as I kept reading I realized how much I needed this book right here and right now. I am struggling, as is every human, and this helped me come to terms with what is actually going on. My damn Ego has taken over. Also very human. This book is better than “You are a Badass”, but right up there with “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” It’s relatable and undoubtedly applicable, and at first I didn’t think it was either, but keep reading, don’t argue with it like I did and let it dig deep into your soul.
I read this book in three days time. I couldn’t put it down even though I should have. It’s A LOT to take in, to process. I underlined so much in the book and took many notes, and I will probably read it again in a couple weeks. I was so skeptical with the first act (the author talks of three), but as I kept reading I realized how much I needed this book right here and right now. I am struggling, as is every human, and this helped me come to terms with what is actually going on. My damn Ego has taken over. Also very human. This book is better than “You are a Badass”, but right up there with “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” It’s relatable and undoubtedly applicable, and at first I didn’t think it was either, but keep reading, don’t argue with it like I did and let it dig deep into your soul.
March 26, 2017
Like Kelly's faithful blog posts, his voice on these pages is clear, compassionate, vulnerable and authentic. We are all broken, in some way, and Kelly speaks to that most human of conditions with grace and hope. He says we often don't get around to 'digging into our underneath' (fear, uncertainty, sadness, jealousy, confusion, anger, arrogance, and hopelessness) because it's uncomfortable or disturbing. But when we do, and when we keep on digging, we find light and healing and hope. He facilitates our journey, using insights and observations accumulated over decades of work in counseling others and from digging deep into his own life. It's as if he's a good friend, walking this journey out with his reader. You'll laugh and you'll blot a tear and you'll find yourself thinking about and applying what you've read long after you've laid the book down. You'll want to give this book to friends and even acquaintances, because the more people who can learn how to dig deep and begin to live authentically and vulnerably and healed, the greater the likelihood that this world could become a kinder, gentler place.(I received an advance copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.)
March 22, 2017
With grace, humility and vulnerability, Kelly exposes the wounds we suffer just for being human and how we can embrace those deepest pains and find the person we were meant to be. The book is so inviting that I almost didn't realize how deeply it was affecting me, but it has taken me weeks to read it because I need to pause and savor the words. (Disclaimer: I received a free digital copy of the book in advance but review reflects my own opinion.) I have laughed, cried and felt freedom as I've read, and I want to put this book in as many hands as possible. Who doesn't need to know they are loveable? This is a book I will return to again and again as I wrestle with and accept my ego and work to let it go.
February 23, 2024
2.5* maybe? It was fine, nothing objectionable, and I think I would have liked the writing style more at a different point in time. Teared up a little at the very last bit though.
September 4, 2021
This book was gifted o me at the exact time I needed it. If you carry a cloak of shame with you, either above your shoulders or on them, this book guides you to leaving it on a hook in the closet.
February 24, 2017
I really really wanted to love this book. I love reading Dr Flanagan's weekly blogs and always find them helpful, relatable and meaningful. I just could not get into this book. Maybe it is because of where I am right now in life and dealing with a challenging family situation. I know I have felt the many different emotions he discusses throughout the book but something just didn't click. Perhaps I will reread in a few months or so and have a different experience.
February 24, 2017
This book was simply amazing!! I am so glad I have been able not only read this book but be able to receive the blog posts from Dr. Flanagan. I enjoy the truthfulness and vulnerability of the blog post and this book. There times when I cried, I recognized, and I let go. Thank Dr. Flanagan for engaging your passion and for sharing it with the world.
March 1, 2017
Hi I am a crisis counsellor and I've just read' Loveable' Kelly Flanagan's book. It turned me inside out. I felt like I was having open heart surgery as I read it. I could hear the refrain from a song, 'strumming my pain with his fingers' which described what I felt reading about the voice of the shame. I had to stop and read in sections I couldn't see the words because of my tears and what was going on in my heart. I will never meet Kelly but it felt like I was receiving first class counselling as I read his book. A great life audit with tools to live my life to it's fullest.
February 27, 2017
This book speaks beautifully to the wounds, the doubts, the pains that we all carry in through our lives, the ways we try to bandage those wounds, and how to find true healing and restoration. It's an approachable read and yet it challenges the reader to explore their own inner world and to begin shifting the messages they have received and repeated toward recognizing and honoring their true worth and value. Also, the way the author writes about his own experiences, struggles, failures, and insights helps to normalize the experience of examining one's own blindspots and brokenness. Highly, highly recommended.
Disclosure: I received an advance copy of this book through the Loveable Street Team in exchange for writing an open review.
Disclosure: I received an advance copy of this book through the Loveable Street Team in exchange for writing an open review.
February 13, 2017
(Note: I received an advance copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.)
I've been following Kelly's blog for a while, so I expected his book to be good. What I didn't expect was that it would speak so beautifully about such a deep issue that we all face as humans: feeling unworthy of being loved. It's something most of us struggle with, and Kelly takes it on in a series of what he calls "love letters to my children." Each chapter is filled with poignant stories about how our sense of self-worth is formed - and battered - by our interaction with family, friends, and the world around us. He teaches us how to redeem the shame we feel and how to truly connect with another human being - something we all crave from the time we're born.
Kelly speaks in the voice of the parent we all wish we had, compassionate and full of tenderness. He is not afraid to be vulnerable, and his writing has inspired me to be more open and vulnerable in my own life. “To hear the voice of grace is to be loved and to know the name of the character you are in the story you are living. It’s the name you were given before all other names. You are Loveable.”
If you've ever felt lonely in a crowd, or struggled to try to do enough, work hard enough, or give enough, this book will help you understand why you do those things. And why you deserve to be accepted and loved just as you are. I was moved to tears while reading several chapters; everyone I love is getting a copy of Loveable this year.
I've been following Kelly's blog for a while, so I expected his book to be good. What I didn't expect was that it would speak so beautifully about such a deep issue that we all face as humans: feeling unworthy of being loved. It's something most of us struggle with, and Kelly takes it on in a series of what he calls "love letters to my children." Each chapter is filled with poignant stories about how our sense of self-worth is formed - and battered - by our interaction with family, friends, and the world around us. He teaches us how to redeem the shame we feel and how to truly connect with another human being - something we all crave from the time we're born.
Kelly speaks in the voice of the parent we all wish we had, compassionate and full of tenderness. He is not afraid to be vulnerable, and his writing has inspired me to be more open and vulnerable in my own life. “To hear the voice of grace is to be loved and to know the name of the character you are in the story you are living. It’s the name you were given before all other names. You are Loveable.”
If you've ever felt lonely in a crowd, or struggled to try to do enough, work hard enough, or give enough, this book will help you understand why you do those things. And why you deserve to be accepted and loved just as you are. I was moved to tears while reading several chapters; everyone I love is getting a copy of Loveable this year.
February 21, 2017
I don't know that I've ever read a book like this before.
I was hooked from the first page, the first story, the first discovery that after reading this book my life would never be the same. By all of the world's standards, I am successful. I am a young doctor gifted with loving parents, many adoring friends and growing up I never went without anything I needed. But out of all of the love and adoration I've received in my life- a sense of emptiness remained, and I've realized that the struggles I've had to love others the same way they have loved me stems from not fully appreciating and loving myself.
Deep stuff, huh?
'Loveable' was an incredible roller coaster of emotional proportions and consistently helped me to realize the best parts of me. Dr. Kelly brilliantly weaves stories and anecdotes into key lessons that can unlock your full potential. As a healthcare practitioner seeking to do the same with everyone I care for, I highly recommend this book- it will exceed your expectations.
You deserve love and this book will give you some to overflowing.
I was hooked from the first page, the first story, the first discovery that after reading this book my life would never be the same. By all of the world's standards, I am successful. I am a young doctor gifted with loving parents, many adoring friends and growing up I never went without anything I needed. But out of all of the love and adoration I've received in my life- a sense of emptiness remained, and I've realized that the struggles I've had to love others the same way they have loved me stems from not fully appreciating and loving myself.
Deep stuff, huh?
'Loveable' was an incredible roller coaster of emotional proportions and consistently helped me to realize the best parts of me. Dr. Kelly brilliantly weaves stories and anecdotes into key lessons that can unlock your full potential. As a healthcare practitioner seeking to do the same with everyone I care for, I highly recommend this book- it will exceed your expectations.
You deserve love and this book will give you some to overflowing.
February 21, 2017
This book is an easy-to-understand, enjoyable-to-read merger of psychology and spirituality that answers with an emphatic "Yes!" to the question, "Am I lovable?" It's a question I've been asking, mostly subconsciously, my whole life, and one I've sought to have answered in relationships with God and with other people that always somehow left me wanting. Dr. Flanagan neatly reveals the ways our wounded personalities try to cope and end up blocking the love we so desperately desire and gives practical help on how to learn to rest in God's love for us - all without using psychobabble or treacly religious talk. He has very practically helped me understand better how to take the risk of laying down my ego mask and risking authenticity in my primary relationships. I look forward to giving this book to my family members and friends and to re-reading to further soak in the truth expressed on these pages.
June 17, 2017
This book was exactly what I needed to read. As I was reading I noticed that Flanagan quoted a lot of my favorite authors: Brené Brown, Richard Rohr, Thomas Merton, and Anne Lamott and the similarities of his hometown and mine, then I discovered he and I live in the same town and he gave a speech at my daughters Honors Banquet! His teaching falls right in line with Eckhart Tolle and the voice of the ego which we know as shame or not ever being good enough. Excellent easy read that brought me to tears and made me laugh! The kind of book you want to buy a dozen copies of and pass out to the people on your life who could use a reminder to how worthy they are!
March 28, 2020
My husband and dad pestered me to read this book so I don’t know that I really went into this book with a great attitude to begin with. I think the messages were important - that I matter no matter what, to say no and protect my personal boundaries, that I’m beautiful. But it was hard for me to really resonate with the message coming from a male author I had little to nothing in common with. It didn’t help that I found the narrator of the Audible book a bit annoying and grating to listen to. I guess I just appreciate the message more when it comes from a female who “gets” me, like Brene Brown.
May 14, 2017
This book isn't perfect, but it makes some important points about remembering who we are.
We are worthy, we belong, our lives have purpose. I appreciated the author's point that we need to be who we are - nothing more, nothing less. Be ourselves. It takes courage to be real, but that's how we'll be happiest and fulfill our purpose. This book began as a blog and before that as letters from the author to his children - important things he wanted to be sure they knew. It teaches many of the same things that Brene Brown does in her books about shame (particularly The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are), but in a slightly more personal tone. There were some important and timely points and principles for me here and I was grateful for the reminders.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
"I wanted to challenge the voices of the beauty industry with the voice of a father, telling her that beauty isn't something she starts putting on her face in adolescence; it's something that was put into her soul from the very beginning. I wanted her to know worthiness isn't something you buy in a store; it's something you discover within yourself (p. 10)."
"There is a worthy yet wounded little one in all of us. To be honest, the love letters I write to my kids are also love letters to the little kid inside of me (p. 11)."
"Having begun to embrace our true self once again, we begin to make ourselves truly known to the world. In other words, we start risking the loneliness of rejection, because the loneliness of never being authentically known is a far worse fate (p. 12)."
"'All grown-ups were children first. (But few of them remember it.) (Antoine de Saint-Exupery, p. 15).'"
"'Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness (Galway Kinnell, p. 17).'"
"At the center of every human being is a spark of God--a smoldering ember of the divine--and regardless of the mess we make of things, the wreck we make of our lives, our insecurities and doubts and fears and mistakes and transgressions, nothing can extinguish it (p. 19)."
"The symptoms of shame are everywhere.... When we dread being known, yet fear being forgotten. When we bury our mistakes, and our feelings. When we look out at the world from behind the masks we were and wonder if we measure up (p. 20)."
"Maybe...you are needing to relearn what is truest about you (p. 23)."
"'We must be our own before we can be another's (Ralph Waldo Emerson, p. 24).'"
"I accused her of stealing my worthiness away from me, and how many times was I actually giving it away, like bedcovers on a cold night? How many times have I acted like it's her job to make me feel good enough? How many times have I searched for my worthiness in the way she looks at me or responds to me or thinks about me, instead of searching for it in the only place it can be found--inside of me (p. 25)?"
"A marriage can't bear the burden of our search for worthiness (p. 26)."
"Stop sleepwalking and...start doing what makes us fully alive, fully alight (p. 30)."
"'Daddy, it's really hard to play the piano when you're thinking about how happy your momma and daddy are that you're playing the piano.' I wish I'd had that kind of insight when I was six. Perhaps I did. Perhaps we all did, and we forgot. Remembering it would have saved me a lot of searching because, liking playing the piano, it's awfully hard to live a life of purpose when you're thinking about how significant your purpose must be. In the end, ironically, our quest to matter gets in the way of doing the things that matter to us most (p. 32)."
"You don't need to be more; you just need to be more you (p. 34)."
"'It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are (E. E. Cummings, p. 35).'"
"A story needs to unfold in its intended order (p. 35)."
"Live our lives to the fullest (p. 37)."
"In all the confusion, it turned out the reportedly missing woman was actually a member of the search party! She had changed her clothes at a rest stop, and the bus driver no longer recognized her. Unbeknownst to her, she was searching for herself. Later, the woman would say she didn't recognize the description of herself. Few of us do (p. 38)."
"Offstage, God was watching, smiling softly (p. 39)."
"We can't find authentic belonging by pretending and protecting and perfecting. When our true self remains hidden and unknown, we become lonelier than ever (p. 40)."
"Do you protect your heart or reveal it (p. 41)?"
"Why are we here? We are her to play our one note (p. 42)."
"Little Ones, what you do matters (p. 47)."
"When a bunch of six-year-olds fail and then look to you, they're never wondering how they did; they're always wondering who they are. They're not wondering who gets the biggest trophy; they're wondering who gets the biggest hug p. 66)."
"I remember them warmly because they gave me--the poor kid from the other side of the tracks--a chance to see my true self reflected in their eyes (p. 73)."
"Who am I? And is who I am good enough? As children, our whole lives are a question asked: Will you be my mirror? Will you see my deeply enough, and abide with me steadily enough, to reflect back to me who I am and who I am becoming? If we are seen and mirrored well by the people we love, our life ceases to be a question asked and becomes an answer lived (p. 77)."
"'Daddy, I quit listening to my imagination (p. 83).'"
"Shame is a full-body experience, but grace is too. All you have to do is allow it. Let hope take up residence in your heart (p. 94)."
"At first, it felt arrogant to boldly share my thoughts as if someone might actually be interested in hearing them.... It felt prideful to act like there was something inside of me worth showing to the world. I worried about people criticizing the content of my words, but mostly I was afraid of people criticizing my audacity to share them (p. 97)."
"When we take too much credit for the good thing we are, we develop the delusion we are self-made, in control of all things, and someone to be reckoned with. This is the toxic kind of pride, and usually when it speaks up, it puts others down. But once we know our goodness is a gift--once we know we are especially worthy but not particularly special--we begin to suspect everyone else has been gifted with goodness, as well (p. 98)."
"We are constantly evaluating others in an effort to clarify our own self-worth. Is it any wonder our fragile sense of worth fluctuates like the stock market (p. 102)?"
"'To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment (Ralph Waldo Emerson, p. 109).'"
"I don't care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table--as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can't stop looking.... I don't care where he was raised, as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred (p. 112)."
"Loneliness is an unavoidable thing and--thought it is unusually unpleasant and sometimes quite painful--it might even be an essential thing, because it can become the seed of holy things, like our craving for connection, our urge to belong, and our impulse to reach out and to reach up. Loneliness is the seed from which true togetherness can spring (p. 113)."
"He couldn't remember what it was like to see clearly. To him, blurriness was business as usual. He was blind to the fact that he was blind. He simply couldn't see what he couldn't see (p. 114)."
"Our inciting incident is like putting on glasses for the first time--we hear the voice of grace and it shows us the true self we've become blind to. It awakens us to who we truly are. But in doing so, it also awakens us to who we are not. Because the moment we catch a glimpse of our true self, we can finally see our false self for what it is. A persona. A facade (p. 115)."
"Before I started the car, my wife handed me a Father's Day present: two Bob Dylan albums. For my wife, listening to Bob Dylan is torture--sonic waterboarding--so two new Dylan albums at the beginning of a long car trip was a pure, intentional sacrifice. A true gift (p. 118)."
"The risk of not finding the people to whom you belong. You're wired to belong, to enter into community, to join and be joined, to be one with something bigger than yourself. You're wired for relationship. The second act of life is when you find your people and being to truly enjoy them. But like the good second act of any story, it won't be easy--you face danger, the action rises, the stakes get higher, the subplots get complicated, and the tension ratchets up (p. 119)."
"Ask for help... find your people by announcing who you are.... Transform your loneliness into togetherness (p. 120)."
"'Friendship with one's self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world (Eleanor Roosevelt, p. 121).'"
"The self-protective ego keeps us isolated and alone, deprived of the authentic belonging we all desperately want and need. It creates division and leads to violence of one kind or another. it is the fuel of arrogance. It ruins marriages and families and relationships of every kind. It keeps us from knowing who we are, who our people are, and what we're here to do (p. 123)."
"'Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go (Hermann Hesse, p. 127).'"
"Having been protected by your ego for most of your life, the question central to the second act of your story is, will you confront your fear and your facade (p. 130)?"
"'Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others (Brene Brown, p. 132).'"
"The inability to set personal boundaries is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering (p. 133)."
"In the first act of life, you learned to embrace yourself, but in this second act you learn you don't have to be embraced by everyone else. Which, of course, is a whole new way of embracing yourself. And it ensures every embrace you give is real, authentic, and mutual (p. 136)."
"To be childlike is to be yourself, without concern for pleasing anyone of hiding anything about the good thing you are (p. 140)."
"Maybe heaven is when two or more gather and proclaim: Different! But one. Different! But united. Different! But together (p. 140)."
"'I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone (Robin Williams, p. 149).'"
"Belonging usually begins by letting go of the relationships that are most toxic to us--the ones in which we are seen as something less than we are--because someone can't see the goodness in us, it doesn't mean they're bad, but it does mean they're bad for us (p. 151)."
"Perhaps the most painful part is allowing the people we love to keep their hurtful opinions about us.... We have to accept there are people who don't think much of us, who dislike us, who see us in ways we are not. And we have to let them be wrong about us (p. 152)."
"I tend to be a Lone Ranger. I take care of myself, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and don't expect help from anyone. My wife, though, has always had a knack for building community. She attracts the same robust kind of love she gives. She leans on the people who lean on her. In other words, she's good at belonging (p. 156)."
"Life is a train wreck. Mess is inevitable. Bad stuff happens. It just does. It's not a cosmically designed punishment or life lesson (p. 156)."
"The people we belong to charge us up when it feels like we're going dead (p. 157)."
"Sometimes, the people we belong to are watching so closely, they know our need before we're even aware of it. That kind of love and attention can be a little unsettling when you're used to living like a Lone Ranger. But when God shows up looking like a whole neighborhood of people who are loving you as well as you've ever been loved in your life, well, it's best not to fight back against the many loving hands of grace (p. 158)."
"True belonging...can give you the courage to step out. To take risks. To venture into your discomfort zone. To try new things. To be a little dangerous. In a word, to live (p. 159)."
"The couples in my office weren't dissatisfied and disillusioned because they were doing anything wrong in their marriages; they were disappointed because they had expected the wrong thing from their marriages--they had expected marriage to completely satisfy their need for a purpose (p. 162)."
"Words do have power, and maybe...the words of a father can begin to compete with the words of he world (p. 172)."
"Several years ago, hospice nurse Bronnie Ware posted online a list of the top regrets of her dying patients. The number one regret was this: 'I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me (p. 174).'"
"I'm concerned some of the voices...are talking about passion out of order and, thus, without the proper context. In other words, without a solid foundation in worthiness and belonging, the talk of finding our passions starts to sound an awful lot like the voice of shame (p. 180)."
"'Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive (Howard Thurman, p. 183).'"
"We are a people poised to unleash the light within us upon the darkness that moves among us, and yet we push back against it and stuff it back down inside us, because, really? Does my little passion matter (p. 185)?"
"'Please, Daddy, give me just a dollar so I can give it to him. Please.' I remember him handing the bill to the man and responding to the man's thank-you by looking him in the eye and saying, 'You're welcome.' Does the man matter? Aidan's tears testified to it. Does what Aiden did matter? Will it change the world, end the homeless problem, fix that man's problems? No. But does it matter? You bet it matters (p. 185)."
"Passion isn't about proving your worth, attracting a crowd, or saving the world. It is about responding to the great ache and the mysterious affection inside of you. It's about turning your insides out until the good and beautiful thing inside of you spills out into the world. It's about making the raw material of your life into art (p. 187)."
"'Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear (p. 196).'"
"To have courage is simply to be who you are at your core and to follow your passion. It's not a character trait; it's a direction. People aren't born with courage; people are born with passions--things we're here to do. Courage is simply the decision to move toward them. So, true courage, to the observer, might look quite mundane, because it's ordinary people doing the ordinary things they are here to do (p. 198)."
"Keep moving forward... Sign up for the photography class. Choose a domain name. Sit down in the front of the blank page. Or easel. Go to your first yoga certification training. Schedule coffee with someone who is already doing what you want to do. Create an Etsy shop. Buy a book about parenting. Or write one. Charter a landscaping business during the day while working as a chef at night. Start coaching Little League. Turn in an application.... You need to walk through the scary stuff to get to the good stuff (p. 200)."
"If we listen closely, we can hear that the story of our personal wholeness is not the only story being told. A bigger story is being told, about the wholeness of everyone (p. 220)."
"You're not here to be happy, Kelly, or to be productive or wealthy or victorious or celebrated; you're here to be whole. To be wholly you. And you're here to know you are part of a greater whole (p. 222)."
"Listen to the voice of grace, know you are loveable, and be whole. Shed your shame. Let go of your lonely. Turn your insides out and live passionately into your purpose now. And, by grace, find your place in the great, big, beautiful family of things. It's why you're here (p. 223)."
"Passion can get smothered when it gets all tangles up with performance (p. 224)."
"Little Ones, the world doesn't need you to change it; it needs you to love it, by doing what you're here to do.... Little Ones, give yourselves the grace to think you know what you know, to realize you don't, and then to learn it all over again (p. 226)."
"Here I am, with this love letter, knocking on your door, as if it's late on a Friday afternoon, sometime in the spring of our fifth-grade year, knocking and asking, Do you want to come out and play (p. 231)?"
We are worthy, we belong, our lives have purpose. I appreciated the author's point that we need to be who we are - nothing more, nothing less. Be ourselves. It takes courage to be real, but that's how we'll be happiest and fulfill our purpose. This book began as a blog and before that as letters from the author to his children - important things he wanted to be sure they knew. It teaches many of the same things that Brene Brown does in her books about shame (particularly The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are), but in a slightly more personal tone. There were some important and timely points and principles for me here and I was grateful for the reminders.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
"I wanted to challenge the voices of the beauty industry with the voice of a father, telling her that beauty isn't something she starts putting on her face in adolescence; it's something that was put into her soul from the very beginning. I wanted her to know worthiness isn't something you buy in a store; it's something you discover within yourself (p. 10)."
"There is a worthy yet wounded little one in all of us. To be honest, the love letters I write to my kids are also love letters to the little kid inside of me (p. 11)."
"Having begun to embrace our true self once again, we begin to make ourselves truly known to the world. In other words, we start risking the loneliness of rejection, because the loneliness of never being authentically known is a far worse fate (p. 12)."
"'All grown-ups were children first. (But few of them remember it.) (Antoine de Saint-Exupery, p. 15).'"
"'Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness (Galway Kinnell, p. 17).'"
"At the center of every human being is a spark of God--a smoldering ember of the divine--and regardless of the mess we make of things, the wreck we make of our lives, our insecurities and doubts and fears and mistakes and transgressions, nothing can extinguish it (p. 19)."
"The symptoms of shame are everywhere.... When we dread being known, yet fear being forgotten. When we bury our mistakes, and our feelings. When we look out at the world from behind the masks we were and wonder if we measure up (p. 20)."
"Maybe...you are needing to relearn what is truest about you (p. 23)."
"'We must be our own before we can be another's (Ralph Waldo Emerson, p. 24).'"
"I accused her of stealing my worthiness away from me, and how many times was I actually giving it away, like bedcovers on a cold night? How many times have I acted like it's her job to make me feel good enough? How many times have I searched for my worthiness in the way she looks at me or responds to me or thinks about me, instead of searching for it in the only place it can be found--inside of me (p. 25)?"
"A marriage can't bear the burden of our search for worthiness (p. 26)."
"Stop sleepwalking and...start doing what makes us fully alive, fully alight (p. 30)."
"'Daddy, it's really hard to play the piano when you're thinking about how happy your momma and daddy are that you're playing the piano.' I wish I'd had that kind of insight when I was six. Perhaps I did. Perhaps we all did, and we forgot. Remembering it would have saved me a lot of searching because, liking playing the piano, it's awfully hard to live a life of purpose when you're thinking about how significant your purpose must be. In the end, ironically, our quest to matter gets in the way of doing the things that matter to us most (p. 32)."
"You don't need to be more; you just need to be more you (p. 34)."
"'It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are (E. E. Cummings, p. 35).'"
"A story needs to unfold in its intended order (p. 35)."
"Live our lives to the fullest (p. 37)."
"In all the confusion, it turned out the reportedly missing woman was actually a member of the search party! She had changed her clothes at a rest stop, and the bus driver no longer recognized her. Unbeknownst to her, she was searching for herself. Later, the woman would say she didn't recognize the description of herself. Few of us do (p. 38)."
"Offstage, God was watching, smiling softly (p. 39)."
"We can't find authentic belonging by pretending and protecting and perfecting. When our true self remains hidden and unknown, we become lonelier than ever (p. 40)."
"Do you protect your heart or reveal it (p. 41)?"
"Why are we here? We are her to play our one note (p. 42)."
"Little Ones, what you do matters (p. 47)."
"When a bunch of six-year-olds fail and then look to you, they're never wondering how they did; they're always wondering who they are. They're not wondering who gets the biggest trophy; they're wondering who gets the biggest hug p. 66)."
"I remember them warmly because they gave me--the poor kid from the other side of the tracks--a chance to see my true self reflected in their eyes (p. 73)."
"Who am I? And is who I am good enough? As children, our whole lives are a question asked: Will you be my mirror? Will you see my deeply enough, and abide with me steadily enough, to reflect back to me who I am and who I am becoming? If we are seen and mirrored well by the people we love, our life ceases to be a question asked and becomes an answer lived (p. 77)."
"'Daddy, I quit listening to my imagination (p. 83).'"
"Shame is a full-body experience, but grace is too. All you have to do is allow it. Let hope take up residence in your heart (p. 94)."
"At first, it felt arrogant to boldly share my thoughts as if someone might actually be interested in hearing them.... It felt prideful to act like there was something inside of me worth showing to the world. I worried about people criticizing the content of my words, but mostly I was afraid of people criticizing my audacity to share them (p. 97)."
"When we take too much credit for the good thing we are, we develop the delusion we are self-made, in control of all things, and someone to be reckoned with. This is the toxic kind of pride, and usually when it speaks up, it puts others down. But once we know our goodness is a gift--once we know we are especially worthy but not particularly special--we begin to suspect everyone else has been gifted with goodness, as well (p. 98)."
"We are constantly evaluating others in an effort to clarify our own self-worth. Is it any wonder our fragile sense of worth fluctuates like the stock market (p. 102)?"
"'To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment (Ralph Waldo Emerson, p. 109).'"
"I don't care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table--as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can't stop looking.... I don't care where he was raised, as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred (p. 112)."
"Loneliness is an unavoidable thing and--thought it is unusually unpleasant and sometimes quite painful--it might even be an essential thing, because it can become the seed of holy things, like our craving for connection, our urge to belong, and our impulse to reach out and to reach up. Loneliness is the seed from which true togetherness can spring (p. 113)."
"He couldn't remember what it was like to see clearly. To him, blurriness was business as usual. He was blind to the fact that he was blind. He simply couldn't see what he couldn't see (p. 114)."
"Our inciting incident is like putting on glasses for the first time--we hear the voice of grace and it shows us the true self we've become blind to. It awakens us to who we truly are. But in doing so, it also awakens us to who we are not. Because the moment we catch a glimpse of our true self, we can finally see our false self for what it is. A persona. A facade (p. 115)."
"Before I started the car, my wife handed me a Father's Day present: two Bob Dylan albums. For my wife, listening to Bob Dylan is torture--sonic waterboarding--so two new Dylan albums at the beginning of a long car trip was a pure, intentional sacrifice. A true gift (p. 118)."
"The risk of not finding the people to whom you belong. You're wired to belong, to enter into community, to join and be joined, to be one with something bigger than yourself. You're wired for relationship. The second act of life is when you find your people and being to truly enjoy them. But like the good second act of any story, it won't be easy--you face danger, the action rises, the stakes get higher, the subplots get complicated, and the tension ratchets up (p. 119)."
"Ask for help... find your people by announcing who you are.... Transform your loneliness into togetherness (p. 120)."
"'Friendship with one's self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world (Eleanor Roosevelt, p. 121).'"
"The self-protective ego keeps us isolated and alone, deprived of the authentic belonging we all desperately want and need. It creates division and leads to violence of one kind or another. it is the fuel of arrogance. It ruins marriages and families and relationships of every kind. It keeps us from knowing who we are, who our people are, and what we're here to do (p. 123)."
"'Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go (Hermann Hesse, p. 127).'"
"Having been protected by your ego for most of your life, the question central to the second act of your story is, will you confront your fear and your facade (p. 130)?"
"'Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others (Brene Brown, p. 132).'"
"The inability to set personal boundaries is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering (p. 133)."
"In the first act of life, you learned to embrace yourself, but in this second act you learn you don't have to be embraced by everyone else. Which, of course, is a whole new way of embracing yourself. And it ensures every embrace you give is real, authentic, and mutual (p. 136)."
"To be childlike is to be yourself, without concern for pleasing anyone of hiding anything about the good thing you are (p. 140)."
"Maybe heaven is when two or more gather and proclaim: Different! But one. Different! But united. Different! But together (p. 140)."
"'I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone (Robin Williams, p. 149).'"
"Belonging usually begins by letting go of the relationships that are most toxic to us--the ones in which we are seen as something less than we are--because someone can't see the goodness in us, it doesn't mean they're bad, but it does mean they're bad for us (p. 151)."
"Perhaps the most painful part is allowing the people we love to keep their hurtful opinions about us.... We have to accept there are people who don't think much of us, who dislike us, who see us in ways we are not. And we have to let them be wrong about us (p. 152)."
"I tend to be a Lone Ranger. I take care of myself, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and don't expect help from anyone. My wife, though, has always had a knack for building community. She attracts the same robust kind of love she gives. She leans on the people who lean on her. In other words, she's good at belonging (p. 156)."
"Life is a train wreck. Mess is inevitable. Bad stuff happens. It just does. It's not a cosmically designed punishment or life lesson (p. 156)."
"The people we belong to charge us up when it feels like we're going dead (p. 157)."
"Sometimes, the people we belong to are watching so closely, they know our need before we're even aware of it. That kind of love and attention can be a little unsettling when you're used to living like a Lone Ranger. But when God shows up looking like a whole neighborhood of people who are loving you as well as you've ever been loved in your life, well, it's best not to fight back against the many loving hands of grace (p. 158)."
"True belonging...can give you the courage to step out. To take risks. To venture into your discomfort zone. To try new things. To be a little dangerous. In a word, to live (p. 159)."
"The couples in my office weren't dissatisfied and disillusioned because they were doing anything wrong in their marriages; they were disappointed because they had expected the wrong thing from their marriages--they had expected marriage to completely satisfy their need for a purpose (p. 162)."
"Words do have power, and maybe...the words of a father can begin to compete with the words of he world (p. 172)."
"Several years ago, hospice nurse Bronnie Ware posted online a list of the top regrets of her dying patients. The number one regret was this: 'I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me (p. 174).'"
"I'm concerned some of the voices...are talking about passion out of order and, thus, without the proper context. In other words, without a solid foundation in worthiness and belonging, the talk of finding our passions starts to sound an awful lot like the voice of shame (p. 180)."
"'Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive (Howard Thurman, p. 183).'"
"We are a people poised to unleash the light within us upon the darkness that moves among us, and yet we push back against it and stuff it back down inside us, because, really? Does my little passion matter (p. 185)?"
"'Please, Daddy, give me just a dollar so I can give it to him. Please.' I remember him handing the bill to the man and responding to the man's thank-you by looking him in the eye and saying, 'You're welcome.' Does the man matter? Aidan's tears testified to it. Does what Aiden did matter? Will it change the world, end the homeless problem, fix that man's problems? No. But does it matter? You bet it matters (p. 185)."
"Passion isn't about proving your worth, attracting a crowd, or saving the world. It is about responding to the great ache and the mysterious affection inside of you. It's about turning your insides out until the good and beautiful thing inside of you spills out into the world. It's about making the raw material of your life into art (p. 187)."
"'Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear (p. 196).'"
"To have courage is simply to be who you are at your core and to follow your passion. It's not a character trait; it's a direction. People aren't born with courage; people are born with passions--things we're here to do. Courage is simply the decision to move toward them. So, true courage, to the observer, might look quite mundane, because it's ordinary people doing the ordinary things they are here to do (p. 198)."
"Keep moving forward... Sign up for the photography class. Choose a domain name. Sit down in the front of the blank page. Or easel. Go to your first yoga certification training. Schedule coffee with someone who is already doing what you want to do. Create an Etsy shop. Buy a book about parenting. Or write one. Charter a landscaping business during the day while working as a chef at night. Start coaching Little League. Turn in an application.... You need to walk through the scary stuff to get to the good stuff (p. 200)."
"If we listen closely, we can hear that the story of our personal wholeness is not the only story being told. A bigger story is being told, about the wholeness of everyone (p. 220)."
"You're not here to be happy, Kelly, or to be productive or wealthy or victorious or celebrated; you're here to be whole. To be wholly you. And you're here to know you are part of a greater whole (p. 222)."
"Listen to the voice of grace, know you are loveable, and be whole. Shed your shame. Let go of your lonely. Turn your insides out and live passionately into your purpose now. And, by grace, find your place in the great, big, beautiful family of things. It's why you're here (p. 223)."
"Passion can get smothered when it gets all tangles up with performance (p. 224)."
"Little Ones, the world doesn't need you to change it; it needs you to love it, by doing what you're here to do.... Little Ones, give yourselves the grace to think you know what you know, to realize you don't, and then to learn it all over again (p. 226)."
"Here I am, with this love letter, knocking on your door, as if it's late on a Friday afternoon, sometime in the spring of our fifth-grade year, knocking and asking, Do you want to come out and play (p. 231)?"
May 11, 2017
[Note: This book was provided free of charge by BookLook/Zondervan. All thoughts and opinions are my own.]
I must admit, I thought much higher of this book than might be the case in less skillful hands. As I read this book, I pondered how the author's perspective as a Christian therapist would make this end up, since it is fairly easy to imagine how a book could end up having the worst of psychobabble and the worst of preachiness, and the fact that the author praises Brennan Manning, author of the terrible Ragamuffin Gospel did not allay my concerns initially [1]. The fact that the subject of the book is an area that hits close to home, as I have long struggled with not feeling particularly lovable, also did not bode well. Nevertheless, despite my considerable misgivings, the book ended up being one of the more thoughtful works I have read about embracing our identity as children of God and also being forthright about the messiness and brokenness of our lives [2]. Against all odds, the book manages to be a persuasive and enjoyable read.
The contents of this book are rather intriguing, a threat-act drama of how we end up feeling more lovable despite our foibles and flaws. The opening of the book consists of four chapters that give the backstory of how people are wounded--some more than others--and how we search for healing unsuccessfully in our relationships with others. The first act looks at our worthiness even when, especially when, we do not feel worthy of the love that we long for so deeply. The second act looks at our need for belonging and the universality of our struggles to belong. The third act looks at our purpose and the fact that we matter in the eyes of God. Overall the book is under 250 pages and is filled with humorous and poignant references to the author's own life as well as some chapters that are letters from the author to his [3] children. All in all, this book is a touching discussion of the child within all of us, and it definitely sounds reads like a book from a practicing therapist who has to deal with wounded inner children much of the time from clients.
Quite possibly the reason why this book works so well is because the author uses his insights about human nature not to look down from lofty heights at the struggles of humanity or to give a message of pessimism and despair, but rather to combine forthright and candid admissions of personal foibles and struggles with a message of hope and encouragement. The book hovers at that line between self-help and recognition that we are helpless without God, and the mix works better than anyone has a right to expect. This book is certainly good enough that I am curious about reading more that the author has to say in the future. Hopefully his children do not mind being so great an element of his writing, as he appears to be the sort of writer who discusses the people that are on his mind frequently and at length, a tendency that is not universally loved by those who are written about. Even so, this is a worthwhile book that deals with at least some of the most universal repercussions of human frailty and weakness and the corruption in this world as a result of sin on our own identities.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013...
[2] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
[3] This is not a typo. Just like the similarly ambiguously named Evelyn Waugh, the author married a wife with the same name.
I must admit, I thought much higher of this book than might be the case in less skillful hands. As I read this book, I pondered how the author's perspective as a Christian therapist would make this end up, since it is fairly easy to imagine how a book could end up having the worst of psychobabble and the worst of preachiness, and the fact that the author praises Brennan Manning, author of the terrible Ragamuffin Gospel did not allay my concerns initially [1]. The fact that the subject of the book is an area that hits close to home, as I have long struggled with not feeling particularly lovable, also did not bode well. Nevertheless, despite my considerable misgivings, the book ended up being one of the more thoughtful works I have read about embracing our identity as children of God and also being forthright about the messiness and brokenness of our lives [2]. Against all odds, the book manages to be a persuasive and enjoyable read.
The contents of this book are rather intriguing, a threat-act drama of how we end up feeling more lovable despite our foibles and flaws. The opening of the book consists of four chapters that give the backstory of how people are wounded--some more than others--and how we search for healing unsuccessfully in our relationships with others. The first act looks at our worthiness even when, especially when, we do not feel worthy of the love that we long for so deeply. The second act looks at our need for belonging and the universality of our struggles to belong. The third act looks at our purpose and the fact that we matter in the eyes of God. Overall the book is under 250 pages and is filled with humorous and poignant references to the author's own life as well as some chapters that are letters from the author to his [3] children. All in all, this book is a touching discussion of the child within all of us, and it definitely sounds reads like a book from a practicing therapist who has to deal with wounded inner children much of the time from clients.
Quite possibly the reason why this book works so well is because the author uses his insights about human nature not to look down from lofty heights at the struggles of humanity or to give a message of pessimism and despair, but rather to combine forthright and candid admissions of personal foibles and struggles with a message of hope and encouragement. The book hovers at that line between self-help and recognition that we are helpless without God, and the mix works better than anyone has a right to expect. This book is certainly good enough that I am curious about reading more that the author has to say in the future. Hopefully his children do not mind being so great an element of his writing, as he appears to be the sort of writer who discusses the people that are on his mind frequently and at length, a tendency that is not universally loved by those who are written about. Even so, this is a worthwhile book that deals with at least some of the most universal repercussions of human frailty and weakness and the corruption in this world as a result of sin on our own identities.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013...
[2] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
[3] This is not a typo. Just like the similarly ambiguously named Evelyn Waugh, the author married a wife with the same name.
March 20, 2017
Review of Loveable
I don’t remember how I first found my way to Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s blog, UnTangled, three years ago, but once I did, I became a regular reader and loyal fan. Kelly’s honest. He cares. Each week, he openly and courageously shares his ongoing journey and commitment to become a better husband, father, therapist. Unlike some mommy bloggers who pull the curtains back on their kids’ lives and foibles, exposing them for fun and chuckles, Kelly lays bare the ways his kids have made him grow, the way his wife loves him because of and despite of who he is, the way he learns as much from his clients as they do from him.
In addition to keeping up with a weekly blog, which is no small feat, Dr. Flanagan has written his first book — Loveable: embracing what is truest about you so you can truly embrace your life. Structured into four parts — The Backstory, Act One, Act Two and Act Three — the author takes readers through familiar psychological terrain: the wound, search and healing he calls our “backstory” and then shines a light upon a path of growth whose stepping stones he calls Worthiness, Belonging and Purpose.
It is the human condition to wrestle with a debilitating gremlin from our childhood. Whether the gremlin’s voice is that of a parent shaming us, a teacher belittling us or a friend abandoning us, it becomes our life’s work to heal. Shame is Flanagan’s gremlin and Loveable is his quest to face this gremlin once and for all and transform it from a restrictive prison into a realm of healing and wholeness. Whatever your gremlin, Loveable is a worthy and instructive companion on your own quest to face and silence it.
Flanagan’s journey to his faith was marked with painful detours, about-faces and ultimately a homecoming. And while I could not relate to his comfort and communion with Jesus, I was constantly awed at his familiarity with Jewish texts and the subtleties of the Hebrew language. The word shalom is often, and correctly, translated as peace. But there is a deeper meaning that references a sense of completeness or wholeness. I marveled reading how easily the author moves back and forth between the tenets of his faith and mine. Recounting a time when his two sons drew on their individual strengths to help the other, Flanagan writes, “It was peace, in the best sense of the word, because it was shalom—people coming together, mingling their passions, functioning as one, as a whole . It’s the final wholeness—the big wholiness . We’re all in this together, or as the apostle Paul might say, we’re all invaluable parts of a single body . It is a shalom that surpasses all understanding.”
It’s one thing to write a good self-help book, one that resonates with a reader’s experiences, one that ignites the desire to make real and lasting changes. It’s another to write well and beautifully. Kelly notices the small things and in describing them, they expand in beauty and importance. Walking in the woods one winter afternoon he meets an old man and his dog. He writes of the “spark of God” embedded in each of them, and then he describes the scene as the man and his dog pass by: “I smell the sweet-rot of a world winding down for another winter. It mingles with the ashy scent of smoke coming on the wind from some unknown place, and the sharp scent of brittle air coming down from the north . The cloud-covered sky is platinum, like precious metal . The voice of grace is in all of it …” Loveable offers the gifts of guidance and gorgeousness.
Kelly indulges in a kind of word play in which he’ll take a phrase and break it open to find new meanings such as the word “wholiness” above. Loveable is the less common spelling of the word but it is equally correct. As I arrived at the close of the book, I was inspired to do a bit of word play of my own. Read this book. Delve in and out. Underline the passages that hold the most meaning. Mine the nuggets that shine for you and use them to illuminate the path of your own journey toward healing. The author’s goal was to guide and inspire his readers to realize that they are not only lovable in its most common understanding, but to develop the ability to love and to be loved. The title says it all — Loveable.
I don’t remember how I first found my way to Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s blog, UnTangled, three years ago, but once I did, I became a regular reader and loyal fan. Kelly’s honest. He cares. Each week, he openly and courageously shares his ongoing journey and commitment to become a better husband, father, therapist. Unlike some mommy bloggers who pull the curtains back on their kids’ lives and foibles, exposing them for fun and chuckles, Kelly lays bare the ways his kids have made him grow, the way his wife loves him because of and despite of who he is, the way he learns as much from his clients as they do from him.
In addition to keeping up with a weekly blog, which is no small feat, Dr. Flanagan has written his first book — Loveable: embracing what is truest about you so you can truly embrace your life. Structured into four parts — The Backstory, Act One, Act Two and Act Three — the author takes readers through familiar psychological terrain: the wound, search and healing he calls our “backstory” and then shines a light upon a path of growth whose stepping stones he calls Worthiness, Belonging and Purpose.
It is the human condition to wrestle with a debilitating gremlin from our childhood. Whether the gremlin’s voice is that of a parent shaming us, a teacher belittling us or a friend abandoning us, it becomes our life’s work to heal. Shame is Flanagan’s gremlin and Loveable is his quest to face this gremlin once and for all and transform it from a restrictive prison into a realm of healing and wholeness. Whatever your gremlin, Loveable is a worthy and instructive companion on your own quest to face and silence it.
Flanagan’s journey to his faith was marked with painful detours, about-faces and ultimately a homecoming. And while I could not relate to his comfort and communion with Jesus, I was constantly awed at his familiarity with Jewish texts and the subtleties of the Hebrew language. The word shalom is often, and correctly, translated as peace. But there is a deeper meaning that references a sense of completeness or wholeness. I marveled reading how easily the author moves back and forth between the tenets of his faith and mine. Recounting a time when his two sons drew on their individual strengths to help the other, Flanagan writes, “It was peace, in the best sense of the word, because it was shalom—people coming together, mingling their passions, functioning as one, as a whole . It’s the final wholeness—the big wholiness . We’re all in this together, or as the apostle Paul might say, we’re all invaluable parts of a single body . It is a shalom that surpasses all understanding.”
It’s one thing to write a good self-help book, one that resonates with a reader’s experiences, one that ignites the desire to make real and lasting changes. It’s another to write well and beautifully. Kelly notices the small things and in describing them, they expand in beauty and importance. Walking in the woods one winter afternoon he meets an old man and his dog. He writes of the “spark of God” embedded in each of them, and then he describes the scene as the man and his dog pass by: “I smell the sweet-rot of a world winding down for another winter. It mingles with the ashy scent of smoke coming on the wind from some unknown place, and the sharp scent of brittle air coming down from the north . The cloud-covered sky is platinum, like precious metal . The voice of grace is in all of it …” Loveable offers the gifts of guidance and gorgeousness.
Kelly indulges in a kind of word play in which he’ll take a phrase and break it open to find new meanings such as the word “wholiness” above. Loveable is the less common spelling of the word but it is equally correct. As I arrived at the close of the book, I was inspired to do a bit of word play of my own. Read this book. Delve in and out. Underline the passages that hold the most meaning. Mine the nuggets that shine for you and use them to illuminate the path of your own journey toward healing. The author’s goal was to guide and inspire his readers to realize that they are not only lovable in its most common understanding, but to develop the ability to love and to be loved. The title says it all — Loveable.
May 31, 2017
The kind of book we all need to read to remember that we are worthy of love and can do all the things we want if we don’t give into fear, shame, and self-doubt.
In a world where our self-worth is based on how many likes we get or how many friends we have, it is nice to take a step back and remember that life is about more than that. Dr. Flanagan is a clinical psychologist and father that became famous for the letters he writes to his children. He posted these letters on his blog which went viral and brought about an appearance on The Today Show. Flanagan shares that we are all here for a reason and if we will learn to trust our self-worth and let others love us, we can find that purpose.
Loveable is the kind of book that will awaken something deep within us all that has easily been forgotten. With social media so popular and the basis for how we judge our self-worth, it is easy to forget that life is about so much more than that. The human interaction we crave is so important. Being with people and letting them actually be with us, on a deeper level, is so important. We need to be more like an onion, peel back our layers of protection and expose our vulnerable selves. It may hurt, but in the end, we will all be better for it. I enjoyed what he had to say towards the end, take a breath and just go for it. Whatever it is that might be holding you back, just go for it and be better because of it. You don’t want to wake up on your last day and regret the things that were so deep inside of you that you were afraid to even try. You might fail, in fact most of us will fail more than once, but that’s ok. Take the good with the bad and make it all better. Offer the love and respect that you so crave to everyone else and watch it eventually make its way back around. Be the change you want to see and show the love you want to receive. That’s what life is all about.
I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher. The views and opinions expressed within are my own.
In a world where our self-worth is based on how many likes we get or how many friends we have, it is nice to take a step back and remember that life is about more than that. Dr. Flanagan is a clinical psychologist and father that became famous for the letters he writes to his children. He posted these letters on his blog which went viral and brought about an appearance on The Today Show. Flanagan shares that we are all here for a reason and if we will learn to trust our self-worth and let others love us, we can find that purpose.
Loveable is the kind of book that will awaken something deep within us all that has easily been forgotten. With social media so popular and the basis for how we judge our self-worth, it is easy to forget that life is about so much more than that. The human interaction we crave is so important. Being with people and letting them actually be with us, on a deeper level, is so important. We need to be more like an onion, peel back our layers of protection and expose our vulnerable selves. It may hurt, but in the end, we will all be better for it. I enjoyed what he had to say towards the end, take a breath and just go for it. Whatever it is that might be holding you back, just go for it and be better because of it. You don’t want to wake up on your last day and regret the things that were so deep inside of you that you were afraid to even try. You might fail, in fact most of us will fail more than once, but that’s ok. Take the good with the bad and make it all better. Offer the love and respect that you so crave to everyone else and watch it eventually make its way back around. Be the change you want to see and show the love you want to receive. That’s what life is all about.
I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher. The views and opinions expressed within are my own.
October 7, 2017
The world can be a very unkind place. It is sometimes difficult to remember that the opinions spouted by the world are frequently not true. This is especially so when people try to belittle you and denigrate you because that is the only way in which they feel they can feel important themselves.
God Himself said that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are, as the title reports, Loveable. Where do you find your personal worth? What is the real purpose of your life? It is helpful to take inventory once in a while in life. Evaluate where you are and where you are headed. Is this the direction you want to take?
Some of the content is subject to argument. When Kelly Flanagan gets into the realm of religion and definitions, there will many who may choose to argue the fine distinctions. That, however, misses the point of the book. The definitions are necessary to help the reader understand the author's perspective. It helps everyone to be certain they are discussing the same material.
This book is designed to help you find what is true and honest and real about yourself and your life. We all need to assess ourselves and the direction of our lives. If we don't know where we are, we will never figure out how to get where we want to go. If you don't make an honest assessment of your life and where you are heading, you cannot work to improve your life or the lives of anyone else. Above all, keep in mind Who made you, and the purpose He has in mind for you.
A great read with solid ideas.
God Himself said that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are, as the title reports, Loveable. Where do you find your personal worth? What is the real purpose of your life? It is helpful to take inventory once in a while in life. Evaluate where you are and where you are headed. Is this the direction you want to take?
Some of the content is subject to argument. When Kelly Flanagan gets into the realm of religion and definitions, there will many who may choose to argue the fine distinctions. That, however, misses the point of the book. The definitions are necessary to help the reader understand the author's perspective. It helps everyone to be certain they are discussing the same material.
This book is designed to help you find what is true and honest and real about yourself and your life. We all need to assess ourselves and the direction of our lives. If we don't know where we are, we will never figure out how to get where we want to go. If you don't make an honest assessment of your life and where you are heading, you cannot work to improve your life or the lives of anyone else. Above all, keep in mind Who made you, and the purpose He has in mind for you.
A great read with solid ideas.
July 4, 2017
Sometimes I underline key sentences in the books I read. Not always (and never fiction), but when a book really grabs me — when page after page I’m gathering fresh ideas and aha moments — I underline. Kelly Flanagan’s Loveable is now the most underlined book in my personal library. Of all the books I’ve read recently on Christian living and spiritual growth, this is the one that hits me closest to where I am, right now, today, at my age, in this stage of life.
In other words, it’s a book for folks who have lived a little. Who have grown up and are fully engaged in lives they’ve more or less created for themselves. Good lives that may now be viewed with some perspective, through the lens of experience, in order to make a few judgments that lead to adjustments.
Loveable helped me to identify my unique, God-gifted place in this world in a way I found both refreshing and surprising. For me, this book was one big, sustained YES.
It is not, however, a book I will be loaning out . Sorry, but go get your own — which is what I recommend anyway, because you certainly don’t need to read your way through my underlined copy. Loveable finds its place on my forever shelf so that I may return to it again and again for its grace-filled wisdom and life-giving truth.
Thanks to BookLook Bloggers and Zondervan for providing me this book free of charge. All opinions are mine.
In other words, it’s a book for folks who have lived a little. Who have grown up and are fully engaged in lives they’ve more or less created for themselves. Good lives that may now be viewed with some perspective, through the lens of experience, in order to make a few judgments that lead to adjustments.
Loveable helped me to identify my unique, God-gifted place in this world in a way I found both refreshing and surprising. For me, this book was one big, sustained YES.
It is not, however, a book I will be loaning out . Sorry, but go get your own — which is what I recommend anyway, because you certainly don’t need to read your way through my underlined copy. Loveable finds its place on my forever shelf so that I may return to it again and again for its grace-filled wisdom and life-giving truth.
Thanks to BookLook Bloggers and Zondervan for providing me this book free of charge. All opinions are mine.
March 14, 2017
*Note that I signed up to receive a copy in advance to the publication, and encouraged to provide an honest review*
I met kelly virtually after he left a comment on a blog I read, following his name I arrived to the blog he writes. I had no idea of his letter to his daughter until a long time later, but I have followed his blog since then and I am an active commenter. When Kelly asked for honest critics to review his book, I signed up.
This book will not disappoint Kelly's blog readers and will not disappoint any other person who has started walking this path of living a truer life, a life being ourselves with our gifts and flaws, that most likely will not be extraordinary but will be exclusive, because will be our own. The book tells Kelly's experiences, his children's, his wife's and some of clients's too, they all show how they have formed who we are, how they show which our believes of life are, and how we can make a healthier choice in each moment, if our intention is to act and behave as our heart tells.
The book is not spectacular, it is not revealing, it is not magical, it doesn't contain a recipe, it is actually super ordinary and real. And that is why this is a nice book to read: nothing suggested in this book to live a lovable and truer life is out of reach for any of us, it doesn't tell a magic formula or the ultimate 10 things you must do that will change your life forever, it actually acknowledges that we are several times at the same place as we have been before, but every time, we have a different sight to relate with life and its situations... this really is critical to avoid frustration.
This is a nice book to read for those decided to come out and play, as well as to ring some others's bells and invite them to come out and play, no matter if we are not good at the game. The book clearly captures that life is about community, belonging, finding who we are and be proud about it, and inviting to make the world a better place just by bringing to it our -exclusive yet very mundane and usually not spectacular- gifts and passion.
Note that the book contains comments about God and Kelly's faith, which we may not share or feel moved by; however, the encouraging message you obtain from the book is the same whether you share them or not.
I met kelly virtually after he left a comment on a blog I read, following his name I arrived to the blog he writes. I had no idea of his letter to his daughter until a long time later, but I have followed his blog since then and I am an active commenter. When Kelly asked for honest critics to review his book, I signed up.
This book will not disappoint Kelly's blog readers and will not disappoint any other person who has started walking this path of living a truer life, a life being ourselves with our gifts and flaws, that most likely will not be extraordinary but will be exclusive, because will be our own. The book tells Kelly's experiences, his children's, his wife's and some of clients's too, they all show how they have formed who we are, how they show which our believes of life are, and how we can make a healthier choice in each moment, if our intention is to act and behave as our heart tells.
The book is not spectacular, it is not revealing, it is not magical, it doesn't contain a recipe, it is actually super ordinary and real. And that is why this is a nice book to read: nothing suggested in this book to live a lovable and truer life is out of reach for any of us, it doesn't tell a magic formula or the ultimate 10 things you must do that will change your life forever, it actually acknowledges that we are several times at the same place as we have been before, but every time, we have a different sight to relate with life and its situations... this really is critical to avoid frustration.
This is a nice book to read for those decided to come out and play, as well as to ring some others's bells and invite them to come out and play, no matter if we are not good at the game. The book clearly captures that life is about community, belonging, finding who we are and be proud about it, and inviting to make the world a better place just by bringing to it our -exclusive yet very mundane and usually not spectacular- gifts and passion.
Note that the book contains comments about God and Kelly's faith, which we may not share or feel moved by; however, the encouraging message you obtain from the book is the same whether you share them or not.
December 15, 2019
Warm, approachable and understanding - this is a book to read when you find/feel you are not at the place you want to be (or at least not sure about it).
Dr. Flanagan (psychologist, therapist) writes as one who has been there (done that) and who knows what it is to doubt yourself, feel lonely and without feelings of belonging and purpose. He does not write based on knowledge, but based on the human connection. Which makes this book and his message very approachable and can ignite the long-forgotten fire in your heart. But (and this is the other side of the coin), passion is not practical - so the storytelling sometimes surpasses the advice here. You find very little concrete tips&tricks here (and I am lacking that). Yet - I feel that the diagnose might be a very good starting point here, and Dr Flanagan can do that. He can start your heart with the fire of the true desire - and when head and heart fights, the heart almost always wins.
My heart has been stirred by this book. Which might not be enough, yet it might be everything - but this is my work to do.
Dr. Flanagan (psychologist, therapist) writes as one who has been there (done that) and who knows what it is to doubt yourself, feel lonely and without feelings of belonging and purpose. He does not write based on knowledge, but based on the human connection. Which makes this book and his message very approachable and can ignite the long-forgotten fire in your heart. But (and this is the other side of the coin), passion is not practical - so the storytelling sometimes surpasses the advice here. You find very little concrete tips&tricks here (and I am lacking that). Yet - I feel that the diagnose might be a very good starting point here, and Dr Flanagan can do that. He can start your heart with the fire of the true desire - and when head and heart fights, the heart almost always wins.
My heart has been stirred by this book. Which might not be enough, yet it might be everything - but this is my work to do.
May 4, 2017
While this book wasn't quite what I was expecting, it still have a meaningful message: You are enough. You are worthy. You are loveable. (And this is a message for everyone, as we are all broken but loveable.)
The book is divided into three parts: Worthiness, Belonging, and Purpose. Each section includes an inspiring quote and personal stories, as well as (at least one) letters to his young daughter. The author points out that there's a little child in all of us looking for approval and acceptance, which is what he hopes to provide with this book.
As this book is published by Zondervan, a Christian publishing house, I thought there would be more of a Biblical tie-in, which isn't really the case. However, this is still a book which could be beneficial in reminding the reader that they are valuable.
I received a complimentary copy from the publisher. I wasn't required to leave a positive review.
The book is divided into three parts: Worthiness, Belonging, and Purpose. Each section includes an inspiring quote and personal stories, as well as (at least one) letters to his young daughter. The author points out that there's a little child in all of us looking for approval and acceptance, which is what he hopes to provide with this book.
As this book is published by Zondervan, a Christian publishing house, I thought there would be more of a Biblical tie-in, which isn't really the case. However, this is still a book which could be beneficial in reminding the reader that they are valuable.
I received a complimentary copy from the publisher. I wasn't required to leave a positive review.
February 17, 2018
Boy, what a book. I listened to the audiobook on my library’s audiobook app, and I highly recommend the recording. Kelly Flanagan is a Christian and quotes some of my favorite spiritual writers: Henri Nouwen, Richard Rohr, Mary Oliver, but I would think anyone would enjoy the book regardless of spiritual expression. I myself was deeply moved and cried a lot, which is pretty rare for me. Particularly I would say that his book can provide some healing from more fundamentalist and fear driven expressions of Christianity.
Flanagan writes about finding worthiness and wholeness in the three (circular) “acts” of life: our learning to love ourselves, our learning belonging in relation to others, and our living out what we are passionate about. As someone who has a really strong and ever-present inner critic, it was healing for me to to listen to this book and learn, a little more, to treat myself kindly and believe that I am lovable.
Flanagan writes about finding worthiness and wholeness in the three (circular) “acts” of life: our learning to love ourselves, our learning belonging in relation to others, and our living out what we are passionate about. As someone who has a really strong and ever-present inner critic, it was healing for me to to listen to this book and learn, a little more, to treat myself kindly and believe that I am lovable.
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