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How to Be Your Own Best Friend
What is real, lasting happiness? How does one achieve it? And why are so many people holding themselves back? At the heart of this profound, simple, beautiful book is the wisdom of Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz, married psychoanalysts who encourage readers to both love themselves and to confront life’s hardest truths. A classic for more than three decades, How to Be Your Own Best Friend has already changed millions of lives. Now, open up your mind, and let it change yours. Praise for How to Be Your Own Best Friend “I want to tell you that it’s magic, but the whole point of the book is that there is no magic. So instead let me simply say that I can’t live without it.”—Nora Ephron “A wonderful prescription for the blahs . . . an antidote to weariness, discouragement or loneliness.”—Los Angeles Times “What the Berkowitzes unearthed . . . is a too-often-forgotten form of human intercourse called getting to know me.”—Chicago Tribune “A kind of psychiatric pep talk . . . directed at people who [are] learning how to operate themselves.”—The New York Times “Seductively jargon-free, presented in neat question-and-answer format.”—Houston Chronicle
98 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 1, 1973
113 people are currently reading
947 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 115 reviews
March 10, 2015
A good book especially for one with little or no idea on the human psychology and self development yet beneficial to others as well.
Things I read were new, most I already knew about. But the new infos had tremendous effect on me! I didn't necessarily like the two person Conversation but though the talks were beneficial.
I recommend it to younger ages maybe in high school still. Though there are parts in this book that I will reread again.
Thank you for the recommendation dearest Saza khan ^__^
Things I read were new, most I already knew about. But the new infos had tremendous effect on me! I didn't necessarily like the two person Conversation but though the talks were beneficial.
I recommend it to younger ages maybe in high school still. Though there are parts in this book that I will reread again.
Thank you for the recommendation dearest Saza khan ^__^
December 29, 2019
Ενα από τα γνωστά βιβλία ενδοσκόπησης.
March 5, 2014
I bought this 56 page hardcover book published in 1971, from the library about two decades ago. Just an FYI, I am not gay but this book does address some gay issues and treats them as a disorder (changeable) which was the perception at that time.
I believe there is a reprint, newer version, but I have not read it, hence the 3 stars.
Today the quick fix for depression is Prozac despite the fact it increases suicidal tendencies. I personally have never taken Prozac or anti-depressants but close family members have. So if you have a family member too depressed to read a self improvement book this one is doable and shorter than some children's picture books.
I think this book is a perfect alternative to Prozac.
Unlike Prozac this book will teach you to say, "I'm trying something different this time and by George it just might work, and maybe today I'll stop trying to run away from myself."
This books does hold value in evaluating and increasing ones self esteem and it is a fast, easy read.
Oftentimes we hear of loved ones being treating with drugs like Prozac which increases suicidal tendencies.
This book doesn't promote the drugs. It promotes growth and self awareness.
If you, or a loved one, is focused on past failures, dissatisfied with life, or feels displaced, this book starts and stays with the basics.
For example, one of the first basic decision it expects you to make, is, do you want to put yourself up or down.
If you are your worse enemy but want short quick solutions this book may be for you.
It's a fast read that doesn't pat you on the back. It holds you accountable and teaches those of us who have had troublesome parents, there is no value in evening a score. This book promotes going forwards not backwards.
I believe there is a reprint, newer version, but I have not read it, hence the 3 stars.
Today the quick fix for depression is Prozac despite the fact it increases suicidal tendencies. I personally have never taken Prozac or anti-depressants but close family members have. So if you have a family member too depressed to read a self improvement book this one is doable and shorter than some children's picture books.
I think this book is a perfect alternative to Prozac.
Unlike Prozac this book will teach you to say, "I'm trying something different this time and by George it just might work, and maybe today I'll stop trying to run away from myself."
This books does hold value in evaluating and increasing ones self esteem and it is a fast, easy read.
Oftentimes we hear of loved ones being treating with drugs like Prozac which increases suicidal tendencies.
This book doesn't promote the drugs. It promotes growth and self awareness.
If you, or a loved one, is focused on past failures, dissatisfied with life, or feels displaced, this book starts and stays with the basics.
For example, one of the first basic decision it expects you to make, is, do you want to put yourself up or down.
If you are your worse enemy but want short quick solutions this book may be for you.
It's a fast read that doesn't pat you on the back. It holds you accountable and teaches those of us who have had troublesome parents, there is no value in evening a score. This book promotes going forwards not backwards.
December 7, 2021
Me gustó bastante el formato del texto, una entrevista, el lenguaje es cotidiano y ello hace amena la lectura. Tiene también planteos o perspectivas interesantes respecto a cómo pararnos en la vida, como tener una vida sana mental y emocionalmente. Sin embargo, el libro no está divido en partes ni capítulos y por ello resulta difícil retener los puntos importantes al finalizar la lectura. Esto último es algo que considero serviría para plantearse la autoreflexión y modificación de nuestro modo de posicionarnos en la vida.
January 10, 2024
Read this after hearing it spoken of so highly on a Carol Burnett documentary. Wish I hadn’t.
While there are a few pieces of good advice for young people or the emotionally immature found in this book (most of the suggestions are common sense), they are drowning in the harmful ideologies spoken of throughout its ninety-one pages. Ideas on “a woman’s place” and motherhood, on “homosexuals” and their “ability to change” (!), and very dangerous recommendations on how trauma survivors should or should not behave.
Fortunately we have come a long way since the initial publication of this work in 1971. I can’t possibly recommend it unless you wish to see a snapshot of the national mindset at that time (and to feel thankful we have since progressed).
While there are a few pieces of good advice for young people or the emotionally immature found in this book (most of the suggestions are common sense), they are drowning in the harmful ideologies spoken of throughout its ninety-one pages. Ideas on “a woman’s place” and motherhood, on “homosexuals” and their “ability to change” (!), and very dangerous recommendations on how trauma survivors should or should not behave.
Fortunately we have come a long way since the initial publication of this work in 1971. I can’t possibly recommend it unless you wish to see a snapshot of the national mindset at that time (and to feel thankful we have since progressed).
June 26, 2020
Read in 1975. Self help book which didn't help me a bit.
May 24, 2016
I've read this before and I'm sure I'll read it again when it's time for a revisit.
I'll warn you that it's an old book, from back when homosexuality was listed as a mental disorder and it's mentioned in the context of "if you want to change, you can change." If that will trigger you, then I wouldn't recommend it.
I'll warn you that it's an old book, from back when homosexuality was listed as a mental disorder and it's mentioned in the context of "if you want to change, you can change." If that will trigger you, then I wouldn't recommend it.
February 10, 2013
This book has one of those self-help titles that makes you feel a little embarrassed that you even picked it up. However, title aside, it's a short book that reads like a be-nice-to-yourself magazine article.
January 27, 2009
I read this book when I was 12. It helped me through a very difficult stage of my life.
August 5, 2013
Our hospital chaplain loaned me this book. I read it in about an hour, but I'll be rereading it again to digest it. I always wished life came with an instruction book, and here it is!
Read
June 30, 2025This book was copyrighted in 1971 and my old-style paperback version was printed in 1974. This was the second book i read this past week - a record for me - but both books are short. I picked this book up used since it was a popular title at the time. Perhaps if I had read it 50 years ago, it would have provided new insights to guide my life, but reading it now the material wasn't new for me. With that said, I plan to keep the book since it is a short, easy read and I may want to refer to it again if I ever need a "pep talk."
Read
January 29, 2025Feels as if it was written just for me and for my crapola.
July 7, 2025
Outdated mostly, with a wrong take on homosexuality (published in 1974). Some stuff is similar to what therapists/mindfulness practitioners talk of today, so parts of it are still relevant. Might do some blackout poetry with its pages soon.
Read
December 9, 2023When you do something you are proud of, dwell on it a little, praise yourself for it, relish the experience, take it in. We're not used to doing that, for ourselves or for others. When things go wrong, they call attention to themselves. When things run well, we must actively bring them to our attention.
It is up to us to give ourselves recognition. If we we wait for it to come from others, we feel resentful when it doesn't, and then it does, we may well reject it. It is not what others say to us that counts. We all love praise, but have you ever noticed how quickly the glow from a compliment wears off? When we compliment ourselves, the glow stays with us. It is still good to hear it from others, but it doesn't matter so much if we have heard it from ourselves. This is the tragedy of some marvelous performers, who need endless applause to tell them how great they are, but who feel a chill as soon as they enter their dressing rooms. They have never heard it form themselves.
You can see the difference between love and what looks like love, very clearly, in relations between parents and children. Parents always claim that they are acting out of love for their children, but it's easy to see when they're not. When a parent "sacrifices" for a child, you know there's something wrong because of the way the child reacts. The child feels guilty, not grateful, because what he's getting is not out of love but out of self-denial. No one really wants the fruits of someone else's self-denial. Self-denial is one of the worst kinds of self-indulgence. It is feeding the part of you that feels worthless. No One benefits from that. This doesn't mean you can't sometimes decide to give things up. But that is a choice you make, and it is done out of self-regard, not self-hatred.
Why don't you think about the times you were wise and kind? Why remember and dwell on defeats instead of victories? Many people are under a kind of negative self-hypnosis. They put labels on themselves. They say: I am (a) a terrible person who (b) always does awful things and (c) can't possibly do better. Instead of convincing ourselves beforehand that something we want to do is impossible, we should spend those energies looking for ways to do it. We must encourage ourselves. You can't do anything if you believe you can't. But when you insist you're not the kind of person who can climb a mountain or make a speech, all you're saying is that up to now you haven't done it.
It's like what the warden of the Federal House of Detention in Manhattan said recently of his prisoners, "If you treat an individual as he is, he'll stay as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be or could be, perhaps he will become that."
The tragedy is that many people don't release their energies from the struggle against what they DON'T want to be, to spend them on becoming the person they DO want to be.
There's also a hidden payoff in continuing to suffer. For one thing, it's familiar: we're very comfortable with it. It gives us a sense of security to keep on in the same old self-defeating ways, letting on bad action lead to another. We know what to expect. It makes our world comprehensible, predictable, in some sense, manageable.
Social chaos is terrifying, but personal chaos is even more horrifying. From a very early age we are looking for ways to organize that chaos. We all start out as scientists of a sort.
Often when we think we're responding to actual people and events, we're merely assigning them parts in the inner novel we've been writing all our lives...Whatever way he chooses, he confirms his theory about what to expect from others, and this is very gratifying.
It's an awful blow to the ego to feel you've made a mistake. That's why people don't want to change. It would mean admitting they were wrong....People are are very stubborn. Sometimes they secretly believe that if they keep on long enough with their misconceived behavior, they'll make it right: that reality will give in to their views, rather than vice versa. They haven't given up their anger over what they didn't get when they were five years old.
People feel very justified in that anger; they can give you all the details on how unfairly they were treated. They are usually right; they did get cheated as children. But what they don't see is that they are now cheating themselves as adults. As long as they spend their energies being angry at the people who deprived them once, they won't spend their effort on getting for themselves what they need now. Their rage isn't hurting their parents, but it's crippling them.
It isn't fair. Life is not fair. And they DID get away with it. There's nothing you can do about that now. There's no way to even the score. Hamlet eventually evened the score, like a lot of other tragic heroes. That can only lead to death, or exile. Electra brought about her mother's death, and never saw her home again. Life lies in another direction. It lies in letting go, in giving up your grievances. You can stop your parents from getting away with your whole life; you can stop yourself from giving up your whole life.
To accomplish our own thing as children, we must be able to manipulate adults. To get a candy bar or go to the movies, we must win them over. So it is appropriate in childhood to look to others, to learn how to invoke their love, sympathy, and understanding. We can look to ourselves only secondarily. The mistake lies in carrying this sense of helplessness, this need to placate others, into adulthood. What was once a fact has become a fantasy. As an adult, everything doesn't depend on pleasing others. What others once did for you, you can now do for yourself. When you are thirty, you don't need your mother to love you the way she did when you were three. You don't need to feel about her or treat her as you did then. You don't have to fear her anger anymore. You can stop wearing the ties she likes or dating the women she would approve of. That's all over, it's ancient history. You're your own man- or woman-now. But many people will not realize that.
Too often people cling to their chains even after they've outgrown them.
It's actually a childlike sense of security we're holding on to. As long as we feel small and helpless, we feel we're in the presence of invisible, all powerful adults. They may not be very nice adults; we're always expecting them to blame us or yell at us. But as long as they're there, we're not alone. That's the thing that we fear most; if that disapproving parents goes away, we will be all by ourselves...Someone who cannot tolerate aloneness is someone who doesn't know he's grown up.
If we take our lives into our own hands, it feels like taking life away from someone else. We feel literally as if we are dealing a death blow to our parents. No wonder people hesitate, if the consequences are so devastating. What villians we become if we simply start living our own lives. People can't face feeling like killers, so they back down. But we have to face that feeling, and go ahead anyway. It's the price of self-assertion.
YOu have to live through those feelings if you ever want to grow up completely. What you're killing is not your parents but your fear of them and their power over you.
This economy of emotional scarcity, which is the source of so much jealousy and conflict and resentment, is really a myth...If you become more, it doesn't make me less.
People are often obsessed with aging, with what time does to them. Instead they should be concerned about what they do with time.
that's very reassuring to hear. I do feel better knowing I don't have to be a super adult.
You didn't feel good about being a child. But there's a child in each of us, and we should be kind to that child...What you can do is be compassionate to the four-year old who is still within you.
Why do you go on being unkind and unfriendly to yourself? Some children feel loved only when they're being punished.
When people are in full possession of themselves, when they really know who they are and ARE who they are, that's when they can really open themselves to others.
When the only kind of closeness you can imagine is that of a child to a parent, you may want that closeness desperately, but you have to fear it, too, because in its ultimate form it reduces you, literally, to a gibbering idiot. The last stop in that direction is the womb. If you seek closeness by feeling small and finding protective shelter in someone big, there is always the fear of disappearing altogether. But adult love does not diminish the lover. It enhances us; it makes us more.
It is up to us to give ourselves recognition. If we we wait for it to come from others, we feel resentful when it doesn't, and then it does, we may well reject it. It is not what others say to us that counts. We all love praise, but have you ever noticed how quickly the glow from a compliment wears off? When we compliment ourselves, the glow stays with us. It is still good to hear it from others, but it doesn't matter so much if we have heard it from ourselves. This is the tragedy of some marvelous performers, who need endless applause to tell them how great they are, but who feel a chill as soon as they enter their dressing rooms. They have never heard it form themselves.
You can see the difference between love and what looks like love, very clearly, in relations between parents and children. Parents always claim that they are acting out of love for their children, but it's easy to see when they're not. When a parent "sacrifices" for a child, you know there's something wrong because of the way the child reacts. The child feels guilty, not grateful, because what he's getting is not out of love but out of self-denial. No one really wants the fruits of someone else's self-denial. Self-denial is one of the worst kinds of self-indulgence. It is feeding the part of you that feels worthless. No One benefits from that. This doesn't mean you can't sometimes decide to give things up. But that is a choice you make, and it is done out of self-regard, not self-hatred.
Why don't you think about the times you were wise and kind? Why remember and dwell on defeats instead of victories? Many people are under a kind of negative self-hypnosis. They put labels on themselves. They say: I am (a) a terrible person who (b) always does awful things and (c) can't possibly do better. Instead of convincing ourselves beforehand that something we want to do is impossible, we should spend those energies looking for ways to do it. We must encourage ourselves. You can't do anything if you believe you can't. But when you insist you're not the kind of person who can climb a mountain or make a speech, all you're saying is that up to now you haven't done it.
It's like what the warden of the Federal House of Detention in Manhattan said recently of his prisoners, "If you treat an individual as he is, he'll stay as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be or could be, perhaps he will become that."
The tragedy is that many people don't release their energies from the struggle against what they DON'T want to be, to spend them on becoming the person they DO want to be.
There's also a hidden payoff in continuing to suffer. For one thing, it's familiar: we're very comfortable with it. It gives us a sense of security to keep on in the same old self-defeating ways, letting on bad action lead to another. We know what to expect. It makes our world comprehensible, predictable, in some sense, manageable.
Social chaos is terrifying, but personal chaos is even more horrifying. From a very early age we are looking for ways to organize that chaos. We all start out as scientists of a sort.
Often when we think we're responding to actual people and events, we're merely assigning them parts in the inner novel we've been writing all our lives...Whatever way he chooses, he confirms his theory about what to expect from others, and this is very gratifying.
It's an awful blow to the ego to feel you've made a mistake. That's why people don't want to change. It would mean admitting they were wrong....People are are very stubborn. Sometimes they secretly believe that if they keep on long enough with their misconceived behavior, they'll make it right: that reality will give in to their views, rather than vice versa. They haven't given up their anger over what they didn't get when they were five years old.
People feel very justified in that anger; they can give you all the details on how unfairly they were treated. They are usually right; they did get cheated as children. But what they don't see is that they are now cheating themselves as adults. As long as they spend their energies being angry at the people who deprived them once, they won't spend their effort on getting for themselves what they need now. Their rage isn't hurting their parents, but it's crippling them.
It isn't fair. Life is not fair. And they DID get away with it. There's nothing you can do about that now. There's no way to even the score. Hamlet eventually evened the score, like a lot of other tragic heroes. That can only lead to death, or exile. Electra brought about her mother's death, and never saw her home again. Life lies in another direction. It lies in letting go, in giving up your grievances. You can stop your parents from getting away with your whole life; you can stop yourself from giving up your whole life.
To accomplish our own thing as children, we must be able to manipulate adults. To get a candy bar or go to the movies, we must win them over. So it is appropriate in childhood to look to others, to learn how to invoke their love, sympathy, and understanding. We can look to ourselves only secondarily. The mistake lies in carrying this sense of helplessness, this need to placate others, into adulthood. What was once a fact has become a fantasy. As an adult, everything doesn't depend on pleasing others. What others once did for you, you can now do for yourself. When you are thirty, you don't need your mother to love you the way she did when you were three. You don't need to feel about her or treat her as you did then. You don't have to fear her anger anymore. You can stop wearing the ties she likes or dating the women she would approve of. That's all over, it's ancient history. You're your own man- or woman-now. But many people will not realize that.
Too often people cling to their chains even after they've outgrown them.
It's actually a childlike sense of security we're holding on to. As long as we feel small and helpless, we feel we're in the presence of invisible, all powerful adults. They may not be very nice adults; we're always expecting them to blame us or yell at us. But as long as they're there, we're not alone. That's the thing that we fear most; if that disapproving parents goes away, we will be all by ourselves...Someone who cannot tolerate aloneness is someone who doesn't know he's grown up.
If we take our lives into our own hands, it feels like taking life away from someone else. We feel literally as if we are dealing a death blow to our parents. No wonder people hesitate, if the consequences are so devastating. What villians we become if we simply start living our own lives. People can't face feeling like killers, so they back down. But we have to face that feeling, and go ahead anyway. It's the price of self-assertion.
YOu have to live through those feelings if you ever want to grow up completely. What you're killing is not your parents but your fear of them and their power over you.
This economy of emotional scarcity, which is the source of so much jealousy and conflict and resentment, is really a myth...If you become more, it doesn't make me less.
People are often obsessed with aging, with what time does to them. Instead they should be concerned about what they do with time.
that's very reassuring to hear. I do feel better knowing I don't have to be a super adult.
You didn't feel good about being a child. But there's a child in each of us, and we should be kind to that child...What you can do is be compassionate to the four-year old who is still within you.
Why do you go on being unkind and unfriendly to yourself? Some children feel loved only when they're being punished.
When people are in full possession of themselves, when they really know who they are and ARE who they are, that's when they can really open themselves to others.
When the only kind of closeness you can imagine is that of a child to a parent, you may want that closeness desperately, but you have to fear it, too, because in its ultimate form it reduces you, literally, to a gibbering idiot. The last stop in that direction is the womb. If you seek closeness by feeling small and finding protective shelter in someone big, there is always the fear of disappearing altogether. But adult love does not diminish the lover. It enhances us; it makes us more.
June 15, 2021
Some quotes I found helpful from the book:
Life lies in letting go, in giving up your grievances. You can stop your parents from getting away with your whole life; you can stop yourself from giving up your whole life.
If you become more, it does not make me less. There is room for many marvelous people in the world, and many wonderful achievements. When we really grasp this, we take pleasure in what others are able to do; we do not feel diminished. And we are able to do our own thing without feeling anxious or guilty toward anyone.
We should be concerned about what we do with time.
Genuine growth means having the courage and confidence to try new things, and in the process, to let go of old ones. But you move on because it’s more interesting and exciting to take on new challenges; you may be scared, too, but you are also attracted. This does not mean you have to despise the self you were. You let go of what you do not need anymore because you are onto something better.
You start by paying attention. If things keep turning out the way you don’t want them to, ask yourself what you are doing to make them come out that way. See the connection between what you do and how you feel. You may have to sit yourself down and demand some answers.
When you decide to take care of yourself, to take charge of yourself, there is still a big job ahead. It takes thought and effort to shake free of bad habits. A part of you may well be quite indignant at the changes you’re trying to make. That part of you that is quite comfortable in the old ways and has no desire to see things or do things differently can put up quite a fight.
Every time you catch yourself putting yourself down, just stop and turn around and push yourself up.
You must also learn to talk to yourself. That’s very important. You need to explain things, to reassure yourself. You need to establish an ongoing dialogue. It can help you through all kinds of tough situations. When the child in you is up to mischief, you can stop and discuss it first; you can tell him “no”. You can take that moment and consider what you really want to do. You have the power to stop yourself; this is a good thing to know. At first it’s hard, but it gets easier.
If you come to know the child in you, you can get that feel for yourself. You can know when to be easy, when to make demands. You have to get on familiar terms with yourself. Embrace the child in you; make friends with yourself. It gives such a reserve of strength to call on.
Life lies in letting go, in giving up your grievances. You can stop your parents from getting away with your whole life; you can stop yourself from giving up your whole life.
If you become more, it does not make me less. There is room for many marvelous people in the world, and many wonderful achievements. When we really grasp this, we take pleasure in what others are able to do; we do not feel diminished. And we are able to do our own thing without feeling anxious or guilty toward anyone.
We should be concerned about what we do with time.
Genuine growth means having the courage and confidence to try new things, and in the process, to let go of old ones. But you move on because it’s more interesting and exciting to take on new challenges; you may be scared, too, but you are also attracted. This does not mean you have to despise the self you were. You let go of what you do not need anymore because you are onto something better.
You start by paying attention. If things keep turning out the way you don’t want them to, ask yourself what you are doing to make them come out that way. See the connection between what you do and how you feel. You may have to sit yourself down and demand some answers.
When you decide to take care of yourself, to take charge of yourself, there is still a big job ahead. It takes thought and effort to shake free of bad habits. A part of you may well be quite indignant at the changes you’re trying to make. That part of you that is quite comfortable in the old ways and has no desire to see things or do things differently can put up quite a fight.
Every time you catch yourself putting yourself down, just stop and turn around and push yourself up.
You must also learn to talk to yourself. That’s very important. You need to explain things, to reassure yourself. You need to establish an ongoing dialogue. It can help you through all kinds of tough situations. When the child in you is up to mischief, you can stop and discuss it first; you can tell him “no”. You can take that moment and consider what you really want to do. You have the power to stop yourself; this is a good thing to know. At first it’s hard, but it gets easier.
If you come to know the child in you, you can get that feel for yourself. You can know when to be easy, when to make demands. You have to get on familiar terms with yourself. Embrace the child in you; make friends with yourself. It gives such a reserve of strength to call on.
March 19, 2020
In these times of quarantine, I thought it would be fun to reread an old classic and one of my favorite books of all time. How to Be Your Own Best Friend is wonderful tonic for loneliness, boredom, and restlessness. I'm a slow reader and finished it easily in about an hour, so it's a nice little read even if you're feeling pressed for time.
Just briefly, this little gem reviews the basics of positive self regard and how to keep this mindset alive and relevant through all of the difficult choices and challenges of everyday life. In a question-and-answer format, it reminds readers to be kind to themselves in their self talk and guides us to be more discerning about how our choices affect the quality of our lives. Sometimes practicing self-kindness may not feel that way in the short run -- what feels hard and painful may be precisely what is needed to pave the way for the most deeply satisfying outcome vis-a-vis a problem. The authors don't discuss the difficulty and pain of some key choices in life -- that is my wording, but that is what I understand from the discussion.
Many of us have been conditioned to have difficulty recognizing the choices that lead to authentic happiness, falling instead for short-term fixes that lead to more superficial kinds of satisfaction. Go for the long-term happiness is what they seem to advise in a few different ways. As with most great advice, the instructions are simple but not easy.
Just briefly, this little gem reviews the basics of positive self regard and how to keep this mindset alive and relevant through all of the difficult choices and challenges of everyday life. In a question-and-answer format, it reminds readers to be kind to themselves in their self talk and guides us to be more discerning about how our choices affect the quality of our lives. Sometimes practicing self-kindness may not feel that way in the short run -- what feels hard and painful may be precisely what is needed to pave the way for the most deeply satisfying outcome vis-a-vis a problem. The authors don't discuss the difficulty and pain of some key choices in life -- that is my wording, but that is what I understand from the discussion.
Many of us have been conditioned to have difficulty recognizing the choices that lead to authentic happiness, falling instead for short-term fixes that lead to more superficial kinds of satisfaction. Go for the long-term happiness is what they seem to advise in a few different ways. As with most great advice, the instructions are simple but not easy.
March 28, 2016
Since I'm typically happy and enjoy time in my head, I don't read Self Help books. This year it's a category in the PopSugar Reading Challenge so I chose this one, mentioned as one of Nora Ephron's favorites in the HBO special. She was good friends with the authors. The book starts and finishes strong with lots of uplifting paragraphs about being good to yourself, etc, etc, but the meat in the middle is blame your parents for your inability to love yourself and others. I'm over that trope. Anyway, watch the HBO special on Nora Ephron instead.
December 26, 2013
this book was an interesting little small wonder... filled with wonderful insights and its thinner than a post-it stack!
"when you stop trying to get from other people what they cant give to you, you can begin to enjoy what they can offer."
what a gem of insight!
this book is filled with little haiku like nuggets of wisdom!
"when you stop trying to get from other people what they cant give to you, you can begin to enjoy what they can offer."
what a gem of insight!
this book is filled with little haiku like nuggets of wisdom!
February 6, 2020
I don't get it. I bought this book based on the glowing reviews, but all I'm feeling is disappointed. I expected/hoped for so much more.
August 26, 2024
This is a review of the 1974 Ballentine paperback edition. The book was originally published in 1971, and was probably one of the reasons why the 1970s was called The Me Decade.
This book was targeted for rich, white, heterosexual people. It came out when women were trying to get jobs, so the book was encouraging women to stay home and be happy with their lot. It also encouraged everybody to be happy with their current situation in life.
What utter BOLLOCKS.
The book in no way talks about discrimination, problems caused by poverty or becoming crippled. In other words, it will have nothing helping to say to 99% of people reading it.
The book also states that homosexuality is a choice, and that psychoanalysis can "change" homosexuality.
WRONG.
It also says that sex is much more satisfying when you're an adult.
WRONG AGAIN.
And for a book entitled How to Be Your Own Best Friend, why no talk of masterbation? I'm serious here. No need to endure the humiliation of dating or the disaster of a bad marriage if all you need is a great orgasm once in a while. Only you can do that.
I had read this book nearly 20 tears ago, when my dog Pony was still alive, I was pretty healthy, and was just starting out as a freelance writer. I don't remember what I thought of it at the time. But now, after my career is kaput and Pony dead 5 years, I'm actually offended by this book. It states that a man in grief was "cured" by realizing that he was his own best friend. Whoever he was crying over must not have really meant that much to him. Or the authors' were lying.
My best friends were my pets. I grieve for them every day. I don't choose to do it. It doesn't make me comfortable. IT'S JUST THE WAY GRIEF IS. Only reasons I'm still alive are my duties to my two dogs and crippled mother.
And calling out idiotic books on Goodreads. Like this one.
This book was targeted for rich, white, heterosexual people. It came out when women were trying to get jobs, so the book was encouraging women to stay home and be happy with their lot. It also encouraged everybody to be happy with their current situation in life.
What utter BOLLOCKS.
The book in no way talks about discrimination, problems caused by poverty or becoming crippled. In other words, it will have nothing helping to say to 99% of people reading it.
The book also states that homosexuality is a choice, and that psychoanalysis can "change" homosexuality.
WRONG.
It also says that sex is much more satisfying when you're an adult.
WRONG AGAIN.
And for a book entitled How to Be Your Own Best Friend, why no talk of masterbation? I'm serious here. No need to endure the humiliation of dating or the disaster of a bad marriage if all you need is a great orgasm once in a while. Only you can do that.
I had read this book nearly 20 tears ago, when my dog Pony was still alive, I was pretty healthy, and was just starting out as a freelance writer. I don't remember what I thought of it at the time. But now, after my career is kaput and Pony dead 5 years, I'm actually offended by this book. It states that a man in grief was "cured" by realizing that he was his own best friend. Whoever he was crying over must not have really meant that much to him. Or the authors' were lying.
My best friends were my pets. I grieve for them every day. I don't choose to do it. It doesn't make me comfortable. IT'S JUST THE WAY GRIEF IS. Only reasons I'm still alive are my duties to my two dogs and crippled mother.
And calling out idiotic books on Goodreads. Like this one.
June 22, 2022
I like some of the ideas in this book, though some of it is rather dated, as well. It is said to be written in a conversational style, and this seemed like the weakest aspect of the book. If a husband and wife have a conversation this stilted, well, that'd suck. It didn't "feel" natural, and that affected my objectivity a bit. (Also, as I mentioned, there are some antiquated ideas here - specifically in regards to homosexuality - which were a product of that era, that threw me a little. I would be very curious to hear their thoughts on the subject these days, but that's neither here nor there. Just something to be aware of.)
While I was able to knock it out in a little over an hour, I think it warrants another read, maybe in a week or so. I don't believe my rating would change, but I think that a book of this size often holds more value than those ridiculous 500-page self-help books comprised of mostly anecdotal filler. Because of this, giving it another read may help me understand it better, and be of more benefit to me and those who have to deal with me, a person who is very much NOT their own best friend.
Do I recommend it? Sure. It's short and mostly to the point, so it certainly wouldn't hurt to at least read it once. If even one sentence of this helps you to treat yourself better in some way, it's a friggin' win in my book.
While I was able to knock it out in a little over an hour, I think it warrants another read, maybe in a week or so. I don't believe my rating would change, but I think that a book of this size often holds more value than those ridiculous 500-page self-help books comprised of mostly anecdotal filler. Because of this, giving it another read may help me understand it better, and be of more benefit to me and those who have to deal with me, a person who is very much NOT their own best friend.
Do I recommend it? Sure. It's short and mostly to the point, so it certainly wouldn't hurt to at least read it once. If even one sentence of this helps you to treat yourself better in some way, it's a friggin' win in my book.
February 24, 2020
How to Be Your Own Best Friend
By: Mildred Newman & Bernard Berkowitz with Jean Owen
The book How to Be Your Own Best Friend is a whole bunch of quotes that are very relatable and helpful for teenagers. This book is something everybody should read in their teen years, the idea and concept is very helpful for teenagers growing up and changing into who they are meant to be. It is very different then most books but it's almost a handbook to love and accept yourself. It's also America's Best-Loved Bestseller. The authors are married to each other and they are both psychologists.
Personally I loved this book it helped me feel better about myself and life. There was nothing i didn't really dislike about the book, on some of the quotes they could have gone and explained it more because it was hard to understand. The authors did an amazing job with their wording and how they used their word it made it more meaningful to me while reading. If I could change anything about this book it would make it longer, I feel like it's really useful and the bigger the better. I relate this book to myself because a lot of the stuff they talk about i've gone through or am going through right now. Overall id give this book a 10/10.
A Review by Matthew Clark.
By: Mildred Newman & Bernard Berkowitz with Jean Owen
The book How to Be Your Own Best Friend is a whole bunch of quotes that are very relatable and helpful for teenagers. This book is something everybody should read in their teen years, the idea and concept is very helpful for teenagers growing up and changing into who they are meant to be. It is very different then most books but it's almost a handbook to love and accept yourself. It's also America's Best-Loved Bestseller. The authors are married to each other and they are both psychologists.
Personally I loved this book it helped me feel better about myself and life. There was nothing i didn't really dislike about the book, on some of the quotes they could have gone and explained it more because it was hard to understand. The authors did an amazing job with their wording and how they used their word it made it more meaningful to me while reading. If I could change anything about this book it would make it longer, I feel like it's really useful and the bigger the better. I relate this book to myself because a lot of the stuff they talk about i've gone through or am going through right now. Overall id give this book a 10/10.
A Review by Matthew Clark.
October 22, 2023
Reading "How to Be Your Own Best Friend" should be a rewarding self-help exercise. Like all such works, one cannot read it like a novel, to be quickly put aside and hope to gain any benefit. Instead, it should be perused slowly with notes taken of "high points" encountered along the way. The reader must then periodically glance back at the notes. "How to Be" is big on letting go of the past, especially memories of "troublesome" parents. Two of the more helpful aphorisms are "There is no way now to even the score" and "Go forward for happiness-not back". The title may be misleading since "How to" actually calls for some self-discipline as opposed to patting oneself on the back or licking one's wounds: We are responsible for our own good times in life and to "watch and work". We must remove the roadblocks that others (i.e.": PARENTS) have placed in our paths. This is a solid piece of psycho writing, with no downside risk. At paperback prices, one good idea will pay for itself many times over. This may also be the fastest-reading paperback I've ever encountered. Those scrolling through the self-help selections should seriously consider "How to". For those of us with "parent problems" (we know who we are!), this one is strongly recommended.
May 28, 2025
Short read, big impact! I really enjoyed this book, it’s packed with insight and emotional depth in just a few pages. These were the lessons that stuck with me the most:
• Accept yourself as you are.
• Don’t hold yourself to impossible, superhuman standards or better yet, don’t judge yourself at all. Or limit it to produce positive changes
• Learn to talk to yourself. It helps you recognize your inner cues and understand what you really need.
• You do have the power to stop yourself in difficult moments and knowing you have that choice, even in a split-second, is empowering.
• And when the child in you acts out, don’t punish them. Forgive them. You’ve punished yourself enough. Most of the things you carry guilt for really weren’t that bad.
It’s one of those reads that leaves you feeling seen, understood, and maybe just a little lighter. Highly recommend.
• Accept yourself as you are.
• Don’t hold yourself to impossible, superhuman standards or better yet, don’t judge yourself at all. Or limit it to produce positive changes
• Learn to talk to yourself. It helps you recognize your inner cues and understand what you really need.
• You do have the power to stop yourself in difficult moments and knowing you have that choice, even in a split-second, is empowering.
• And when the child in you acts out, don’t punish them. Forgive them. You’ve punished yourself enough. Most of the things you carry guilt for really weren’t that bad.
It’s one of those reads that leaves you feeling seen, understood, and maybe just a little lighter. Highly recommend.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 20, 2018
A short book from 1974, on what would today be called cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). It's laid out in a question-and-answer format, like Plato's Republic. The foreword suggests that the questioner is the editor, Jean Owen, rather than the psychologist authors talking to themselves. In any case the questioner is a bit fulsome (the advice is "wise" and "beautiful" and so on).
Several pop-culture references, which are dated now. Also, there's a jarring moment when the authors explain why you shouldn't stereotype gay people: it makes their homosexuality impossible to cure.
I liked the cover quote: "Are you for yourself, or against yourself?" It's always good to review these ideas, so if you find a copy, pick it up and read it. Probably not worth actually searching for, though.
Several pop-culture references, which are dated now. Also, there's a jarring moment when the authors explain why you shouldn't stereotype gay people: it makes their homosexuality impossible to cure.
I liked the cover quote: "Are you for yourself, or against yourself?" It's always good to review these ideas, so if you find a copy, pick it up and read it. Probably not worth actually searching for, though.
August 10, 2021
This book is a quick read. Can read in one sitting or in increments. It has some helpful tips in here, but the ideas go very basic. I’m not saying this book isn’t helpful. It can very well be, it just doesn’t have much depth to it. There are many more to read that will have more information in them. Granted all the information needed is within oneself, in wanting to change & being ready to actually change. There are many steps that are simple yet complicated within a person’s way of being. To get the gist of the idea, this isn’t a bad book to read. Although, the examples are a bit dated & could use a reworking.
February 4, 2025
I'm not as lonely as you may assume for having read this book but I do believe to form any healthy relationship with others, you better have a healthy relationship with yourself so this was a must read (let's ignore the fact that I initially thought of reading this book because one of the characters in a previous read of mine was reading this book)
Sure I might have read the summarised version of the book but definitely still got it's point across. And like the previous self help book, boundaries is a sensitive but crucial subject. It's necessary for all relationships including one with yourself. 4⭐ for how easy and straightforward
Sure I might have read the summarised version of the book but definitely still got it's point across. And like the previous self help book, boundaries is a sensitive but crucial subject. It's necessary for all relationships including one with yourself. 4⭐ for how easy and straightforward
August 8, 2018
This book provided great insight on what prevents us from taking the lead in our lives. Change goes beyond a mindset shift; this book touched on the reality of our behaviors that work against us and the need for deeper examination of our circumstances, emotions, or overall life. Although the structure made it an easy read, I would have enjoyed exercises or prompts for self-reflection to make the discussion meatier....maybe there will be a future workbook? I did take tons of notes!
July 23, 2019
Quick read. Interesting format of question and answer. The staged dialogue is created to explore issues such as happiness and what to do to attain it. Felt dated since it was written over four decades ago. Main takeaway for me was to be kinder to yourself and eliminate the desire to be perfect.
Favorite quote in the book was: "If you treat an individual as he is, he'll stay as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be or could be, perhaps he will become that."
Favorite quote in the book was: "If you treat an individual as he is, he'll stay as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be or could be, perhaps he will become that."
September 13, 2020
I found some useful information that I believe will add value to my life.
Namely this, "No one really wants the fruits of someone's self-denial. Self-denial is one of the worst kinds of self-indulgence. It is feeding the part of you that feels worthless. No one benefits from that. This doesn't mean you can't sometimes decide to give things up. But that is a choice you make, and it is done out of self-regard, not self-hatred."
Namely this, "No one really wants the fruits of someone's self-denial. Self-denial is one of the worst kinds of self-indulgence. It is feeding the part of you that feels worthless. No one benefits from that. This doesn't mean you can't sometimes decide to give things up. But that is a choice you make, and it is done out of self-regard, not self-hatred."
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