The Neglected Qualification: Black Sheep in Pastors’ Homes

Onslaught #4

by Douglas Wilson

In this book, Douglas Wilson takes on the unpopular question of PKs (pastors' kids) and pastoral qualifications.

Genres: Theology, Christian, Nonfiction, Parenting, Family, Church, Leadership

71 pages, Paperback

Published April 5, 2016

About the author

I write in order to make the little voices in my head go away. Thus far it hasn't worked.

Reviews

[Benjamin · Rating 5 out of 5]

So thankful for Pastor Wilson writing in this very neglected area. Much clarity is needed here and I’m sincerely grateful for his attempt. I commend this little book very much so.

[Natalie Nimmers · Rating 4 out of 5]

“When should a good pastor leave the 99? The answer is some form of: when there is just 99.”

I appreciated how Wilson reframed the idea of elder disqualification due to a wayward child. Instead of viewing it as simply a stain on the record, the laying aside of public ministry for the pursuit of a child is an invitation to even more “radical ministry” (Luke 19:10).

[Kristin Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very short but thought giving book. I was thankful for the seriousness on the topic and all the specific examples they covered that can make this complex. I’m not sure I agree 💯 with all conclusions , but it was a great book that gets right to the point.

[Joel Rasmussen · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting little book. The main argument was great but the point that really captured me was the level of "freedom" in choice we have before selecting an elder or a spouse and how important it is to use that time to make 100% sure that you are indeed about to choose the right person. It is great grandfatherly advice written in such a tone

[Jake McAtee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short n sweet.

[Kofi Opoku · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good stuff. All the uncomfortable things every session needs to hear regarding ordination/installation. The appendix was gold.

[Leandro Dutra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very objective, practical & Scripturally well-grounded book, devoid of the Baptist-bashing of some Presbyterians: he even cited John Piper favourably. I only wish it developed a few points deeper.

[ValeReads Kyriosity · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm just really, really grateful to be in a congregation that takes this stuff seriously and actually applies it.

[Tyler Busha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Initially started this book thinking this would be addressing living as a son or daughter of a pastor. Definitely disappointed upon realizing that is not what this booklet is directed towards.

In fact this book is actually addressing elder qualifications, particularly geared towards a father’s headship, discipleship, & control over his children. (Not control in a negative sense, if that was unclear). The content contained within that Wilson writes about is fine, but for me is a topic that I am already familiar with. As such, I was unfortunately a bit bored trying to get through it.

If this is a topic you have not ever read about yet, I would say this is an ok booklet to start with. If you’re already familiar with it, then I’d say you can pass on by.

[Jordan Litts · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid.

[Josh Gordon]

Good book, needs to be read by everyone going through Seminary.

[Emma Whear · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic.

My favorite chapter was the appendix.

[Challice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Firm, biblical, short, and easy to read.
Wish more pastors would read this and keep the information near to heart. Ministry begins in the home first. This book is a tool for all congregations. Recommend.

[Jessica Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good.

[CJ Bowen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brief but helpful treatment of the scriptural qualification that an elder rule his children and household well. Wilson is not saying that an elder is responsible to create faith in his children, but he refuses to back away from deep connection that parental discipleship has with faithfulness. His baseline standard is that if an elder's family member is excommunicated, that elder ought to resign, while allowing for unusual circumstances that might lead a session not to receive that resignation. He then discusses a number of such circumstances, and includes an appendix on the wisdom of ordaining young elders.

I might soften the presumption that resignation will be expected, and have a familial excommunication necessitate a review of that elder's status with the distinct possibility of resignation, but ultimately I think that's a distinction of emphasis, not a radically different standard. I also have questions about applying this standard beyond the elder's household in the case of adult children who have left to establish their own household, a situation Wilson mentions and deals with all too briefly.

[Jerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book fills a huge need in the church: the qualifying importance of a pastor's children. It extends to elders and deacons because Paul requires it there. Wilson threads the biblical line between being too lax, explaining away the standards, and too stringent, applying the standards woodenly. This is a brief but refreshing read, helpful to all churchmen to understand what leadership ought to look like in this regard in the church.

[Mwansa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nice little book that calls attention to the very necessary qualification of the management of the home by a man who we seek to appoint as Shepherd of the church. Doug Wilson calls our attention to the current state of the church where this matter is not taken as seriously as it should be. He makes the connection between how one manages his home with how the same one would manage the church and he does this with the question of ‘how the man reacts to the ninety nine and the one?’

Another great point that comes up is how we see that there is a lot of wisdom that should be used in the application of this matter and so we err on not drawing the line rather than drawing the line too high. Pastor Wilson shows that erring on this side is a lot more dangerous than erring on the other though there is a ditch on both sides of the road. Basically we should be firm enough to stand where God says stand regardless of how difficult it might be to determine where the line is.

The book ends with a nice little appendix on the matter of the age of the Elders and a great anecdote on experience, wine and the Eldership. You will have to read the pamphlet to find out what that is.

[Caleb Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wise, judicious, even-handed look at the "neglected qualification": the lifelong faithfulness of a minister's children. Even as someone who is sold on Wilson's interpretation of Paul's requirement for a minister's children to be "submissive" (1 Tim. 3:4-5) and "believers...not open to the charge of debauchery and insubordination" (Titus 1:6), I still gained a lot of wisdom from this short book. In particular, Wilson has a lot of helpful things to say not only against the temptation of overlooking or explaining away Paul's requirements (which the modern church is so prone to do), but also of applying these requirements in an overly fastidious and nitpicky manner. Against this temptation, Wilson challenges his readers to ask first and foremost how they can assist a minister whose children are showing early warning signs, and not "Yikes! How can I get this guy out of here?"

I would thoroughly recommend this book to anyone who is considering how Paul's requirements for a minister's children apply today--as well as to those who have never been encouraged to consider this question and are wondering why.

[Jean Schram · Rating 2 out of 5]

Comes across as his stream of consciousness. It made sense to me when he discussed "two ditches," the pastor/elder neglecting his parenting duties and claiming "grace" on the one side and the congregation looking for any little fault in the child or parent on the other. But I got really confused by some of his examples. He says that having a child fall away is a disqualifying event for a church leader; he should resign. But his examples seemed wild to me. He talks about how a father of 5 should resign when 1 adult child falls away. But, in another part of the book, he says that a man who impregnated a woman at age 19 and repented of his fornication and only saw his child 3 times during the child's childhood would NOT be held responsible for the child turning out to be an atheist--because the mom raised the child. But I'm WAY more concerned about that second man. Why on earth did he only see his child THREE times during the child's childhood? The book addresses an important topic in the church, but I don't know that this author has really brought any important insights to it, beyond what is in the Bible.

[Josiah Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being a Pastor is a tough job and it’s why it should not be considered lightly for those entering the ministry. Paul gives explicit guidance on what a minister should look like, what his gifts and capabilities should be, whose piety should be examined, and how his family should conduct themselves. It seems that last part gets overlooked often - probably because it a thorny issue. We all agree that the pastor’s family should be perfect just as the pastor is - but what is actually attainable here? What do we do when the pastor’s biological kids are all prim and proper but the adopted child has gone off the deep end? Is there a statute of limitations - that is to ask whether we should consider the 70 year old pastor’s 45 year old son as a litmus test? What about how we view past sins like fornication in the same way we would adultery and divorce?

Lots to think through here and Wilson gets the gears turning.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been enjoying these short books on Christian thought, practice, and living. This one contained lots of things I knew, but have never really heard brought out this way before. I think it's also something which we should be talking more about. Everyone seems ready to condemn (or even worse, excuse) pastors and their kids, but no one seems to want to do anything which would lead to a positive outcome. They seem more prone to just complain all the time. But I believe if we'd just be willing to discuss these things, then we could definitely find a way to work on them together, in a loving way, like we're supposed to. This book really made me consider my own thoughts on pastors and their kids, especially since my mother was one, and I'd encourage any Christian to crack open this book and give it some study.

[Bryan Kuranaga · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am grateful for Wilson's insights and modern day application of both Old Testament and New Testament laws. I appreciated his comparison between a passage from Deuteronomy with regard to what parents should do when they have a disobedient child and with Titus' list of qualifications for an elder. Wilson's big theme on this is that parents ought to be parenting their child from their youth so that their sins are dealt with at a young age. Generally speaking, if sins are dealt with during one's youth, s/he will be less likely to commit an outlandish one when s/he is older. The pastor must be willing to leave the 99 (i.e., his well-behaved children and/or his congregation) to pursue the 1 that is wayward.

[amanda gardiner · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick jaunt through a much taboo topic. Honestly, I’m not sure why but I expected a more heavy-handed approach and felt kind of afraid to read this book.

I was,however, pleasantly surprised to find it flooded with grace and understanding for various difficulties in a messy world, while still upholding the fact that scripture does indeed speak to the topic of wayward children in the household of pastors.

As a mother of two autistic children, I have often worried and fretted over the scriptures that talk about a well-managed home (feeling like I’m not measuring up due to my children’s mental limitations). This book gave me a great amount of encouragement while not lessening the standard of scripture.

An important little work that I recommend.

[James Lynch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Particularly liked Wilson relating Deuteronomy and Titus about execution/excommunication. And appreciated his thoughts on the age of elders (or prospective elders) and the ages of their children not being of primary importance and not being addressed directly by the text. Solid book that helps us understand the plain meaning of the requirement that elders must have godly, obedient children. Gets into a little casuistry but mainly eschews digging into tons of case studies in favor of painting with a broad brush.

[Cody Lawrence · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having faithful children sure is a neglected qualification. I found myself unknowingly taking the popular view on this qualification without even thinking about it, so the title alone made me want to read the book. It’s full of Biblical principals supporting a faithful reading of this particular pastoral qualification, and encourages a faithful reading of all of the other ones too. It’s a quick read too. Loved it.

I would recommend it to any pastor, elder, anyone in leadership in a church, the families of pastors, and anyone in a search committee for pastors.

[Joshua Hunt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of wisdom nuggets in this short book addressing the elder qualification of managing one's household and the spiritual state of one's children —"children who are faithful, not insubordinate" (Titus 1:5-7;1 Timothy 3:2,4-5)

Concise, well written. He doesn't exhaust the verses as an exegetical commentary would aim to, but rather offers helpful guidance in applying wisdom to them, including hypothetical case studies to think through. Great observations on parenting as well.

A good read for parents, those involved in church polity or aspiring to church governance, etc.

[John Rimmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was not only a helpful consideration of this particular case, but also how to consider cases generally. The discussion of "Exceptions prove the rule." and "Hard cases make bad law." were enlightening. I think this was especially the case when considering the discussion of ordaining "young" pastors. Didn't answer all the questions I had or talk about all the things I felt connected to the issue as a whole, but in such a small package I wasn't expecting that.

[Kevin Godinho · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read on a very important ministry qualification. Doug does a good job of bringing different family scenerios to the table and showing that we are not looking to "count rocks", but rather see if a man is managing his home well. If he isn't, how will he be able to manage the church?

Short read. Highly recommend.

[Troy McGahan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This Book reminded me of the inconsistencies of paedobaptism. I agreed with his general premise that unruly Children can disqualify a Pastor (in my opinion children that are in the home). I am still trying to wrap my head around at what point would they believe a child is a believer? If someone can help me with this I would appreciate it (seriously, not being a smartaleck).

[Jesse Thomas Fletcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though I am not an elder, nor plan to be, God used Doug’s thoughts in this book to reveal to me much that I have to learn about faith, obedience, and leadership. Powerfully, Doug reminds us at the end that the church and the family must be havens of grace, and true grace will only come as a gift of God.