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Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness
This is the most popular book in the world for learning conversational skills. This book teaches simple skills for doing well socially in everyday language, which is why it has been popular in its various editions for 37 years and has sold almost 1 million copies. People all over the world have learned the secrets of effective conversation using Conversationally Speaking. Goodread’s experts chose it as the #1 book (out of 42) for people who want to learn conversational skills. The experts at Internet site SocialSelf just named it the best book you can find on the subject.
This revised edition provides more ways to improve your conversational skills by asking questions that promote conversation, learning how to listen so that others will be encouraged to talk, reducing anxiety in social situations and more.
Alan Garner, MA, is a nationally known communications consultant and a longtime teacher. He has taught hundreds of "Conversationally Speaking" workshops and over 5 million copies of his books have been sold worldwide. Dr. Mandy Caporelli is an Associate Professor of Speech at Penn State University. Each week, she teaches the skills in this book to hundreds of students.
Toastmaster Magazine writes: "'Conversationally Speaking' is the classic how-to book in social communication."
Carolyn Hax, a columnist for the "Washington Post,” whose work appears in 200 newpapers, writes, “Alan Garner is brilliant at teaching social skills to those who need or want to start at the beginning- who feel they somehow missed out on life classes that everyone else got to attend."
"Conversationally Speaking" is recommended by hundreds of therapists for people who want better relationships. These include Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of the Rational Emotive School of Psychology, who called this book: "An exceptionally clear, highly effective book on conversational skills that uniquely includes a very sensible and useful section on rational thinking."
Aaron Beck, MD, University Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania wrote: "'Conversationally Speaking' is of great value for people who want to sharpen their skills in interpersonal relations. I routinely recommend it."
This revised edition provides more ways to improve your conversational skills by asking questions that promote conversation, learning how to listen so that others will be encouraged to talk, reducing anxiety in social situations and more.
Alan Garner, MA, is a nationally known communications consultant and a longtime teacher. He has taught hundreds of "Conversationally Speaking" workshops and over 5 million copies of his books have been sold worldwide. Dr. Mandy Caporelli is an Associate Professor of Speech at Penn State University. Each week, she teaches the skills in this book to hundreds of students.
Toastmaster Magazine writes: "'Conversationally Speaking' is the classic how-to book in social communication."
Carolyn Hax, a columnist for the "Washington Post,” whose work appears in 200 newpapers, writes, “Alan Garner is brilliant at teaching social skills to those who need or want to start at the beginning- who feel they somehow missed out on life classes that everyone else got to attend."
"Conversationally Speaking" is recommended by hundreds of therapists for people who want better relationships. These include Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of the Rational Emotive School of Psychology, who called this book: "An exceptionally clear, highly effective book on conversational skills that uniquely includes a very sensible and useful section on rational thinking."
Aaron Beck, MD, University Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania wrote: "'Conversationally Speaking' is of great value for people who want to sharpen their skills in interpersonal relations. I routinely recommend it."
224 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1980
474 people are currently reading
4194 people want to read
About the author
Alan Garner
10 books19 followersI teach these skills because I once needed to learn them- and nobody was there to help me. I had no friends, was not at all socially confident, was wandering around Europe after having dropped out of UCLA because of loneliness and depression.
One day I stumbled upon an article about some universities which were teaching conversation skills to groups like men who never date, women who have no friends, and couples who seldom talk to each other. After learning these skills, the men, women and couples all did considerably better.
I was intrigued, and made it a point to learn these skills upon my return. Much to my amazement, they worked! It was as though I'd been trying to drink soup with a fork or cut a steak with a spoon- the wrong tools. Once I had the right tools, the right skills, things went considerably smoother.
My life improved so dramatically, I decided to dedicate myself to teaching these skills to others. I finished UCLA and went to a master's program at the University of Oregon that focused on teaching social skills.
After I graduated, I returned to California, got a job teaching speech at a junior college, and devoted the rest of my time to teaching these skills to students at community service and university extension programs throughout the state. I also began training others to teach these skills and began working on Conversationally Speaking, the book you now have in your hands- or in your Kindle.
There's a special chapter there- Chapter 12- that I want to draw your attention to. In it, I attempt to summarize what Dr. Albert Ellis and Dr. Aaron Beck, the modern founders of cognitive therapy, teach about becoming less shy and more confident. I'm especially interested that you read that chapter- and proud that both Drs. were kind enough to endorse this book.
It's now many years later and I and others have taught these skills all over the world. Conversationally Speaking has become the most popular book ever written for teaching social skills- with almost 1 million copies sold. Foreign editions have sprouted up with strange names like Talk Language and Communiceren and Samtaleteknik.
I'm 67 years old now and mostly a writer. There's talk of my doing a new 4th edition, though I think the one you've got in your hands is quite adequate. I do hope you enjoy this book and practice the skills I teach in it. Being able to teach you was always my dream.
One day I stumbled upon an article about some universities which were teaching conversation skills to groups like men who never date, women who have no friends, and couples who seldom talk to each other. After learning these skills, the men, women and couples all did considerably better.
I was intrigued, and made it a point to learn these skills upon my return. Much to my amazement, they worked! It was as though I'd been trying to drink soup with a fork or cut a steak with a spoon- the wrong tools. Once I had the right tools, the right skills, things went considerably smoother.
My life improved so dramatically, I decided to dedicate myself to teaching these skills to others. I finished UCLA and went to a master's program at the University of Oregon that focused on teaching social skills.
After I graduated, I returned to California, got a job teaching speech at a junior college, and devoted the rest of my time to teaching these skills to students at community service and university extension programs throughout the state. I also began training others to teach these skills and began working on Conversationally Speaking, the book you now have in your hands- or in your Kindle.
There's a special chapter there- Chapter 12- that I want to draw your attention to. In it, I attempt to summarize what Dr. Albert Ellis and Dr. Aaron Beck, the modern founders of cognitive therapy, teach about becoming less shy and more confident. I'm especially interested that you read that chapter- and proud that both Drs. were kind enough to endorse this book.
It's now many years later and I and others have taught these skills all over the world. Conversationally Speaking has become the most popular book ever written for teaching social skills- with almost 1 million copies sold. Foreign editions have sprouted up with strange names like Talk Language and Communiceren and Samtaleteknik.
I'm 67 years old now and mostly a writer. There's talk of my doing a new 4th edition, though I think the one you've got in your hands is quite adequate. I do hope you enjoy this book and practice the skills I teach in it. Being able to teach you was always my dream.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 103 reviews
January 8, 2014
The book is thin and to the point. It gives great conversational techniques. I would recommend the book to those as young as 14 years old. That is just about the age when teens get a part time job. This book would really help their transition into the working world. Chapter 10 teaches how to identify who owns the problem [if there is a disagreement]; it then goes on about how to request a change. Chapter 9 is about resisting attempts at manipulation, has a great way to teach froth graders how to say no to drugs (one page, simplifies the entire chapter and puts in terms for children). Coming from a family that didn’t communicate well, I found this book very helpful and a great foundation to build upon.
July 24, 2020
Not a big fan of self-help books but this one really changed my perspective. The book is concise and filled with invaluable advice on communication skills.
Although I would probably need to skim through it from time to time, for better practical application but I would recommend everyone to read it at least once.
Although I would probably need to skim through it from time to time, for better practical application but I would recommend everyone to read it at least once.
March 7, 2017
I was reading an interview with Nathan Fillion and he was asked what book he'd most likey give as a gift. He mentioned two, the first being World War Z which I've read and love. The other being this book. Now having met the man, and listened to him do commentary as well as watching behind the scenes and making ofs the man is very charismatic and outgoing. I don't know if it is because of this book, if this book strengthened those features, or what... But I figured because of his personality it couldn't hurt to read it.
Granted there are things in here that you will already know, there are some things in here that you think can help you, and even more things you don't think about. In my case, I have a hard time accepting compliments and this book touched on how to deal with people like me, and how to accept compliments.
As for why four and not five stars if this is very helpful and a nice breezy read. It has nothing to do with the fact that I already knew stuff in here. It has more to do with both the dated examples (this was written in the late '9os) and some of the awkwardness of them.
Granted there are things in here that you will already know, there are some things in here that you think can help you, and even more things you don't think about. In my case, I have a hard time accepting compliments and this book touched on how to deal with people like me, and how to accept compliments.
As for why four and not five stars if this is very helpful and a nice breezy read. It has nothing to do with the fact that I already knew stuff in here. It has more to do with both the dated examples (this was written in the late '9os) and some of the awkwardness of them.
November 4, 2018
Great book not just for conversation, but physical cues and insights to others' ways of thinking.
June 2, 2015
It was a good book for those of us who don't like to have "small talk" It helps you to understand more about other people.
December 3, 2019
I wouldn't recommend this book to someone of average or above-average social competence but it's useful for me and my bumbling brethren. There's really no new information here (I've heard smiling recommended at least once before, for instance...) but it's all framed in an especially logical, accessible, bite-sized way and (unique among the self-help books I've read) there's no fluff.
March 5, 2020
Page 69: “members of the opposite sex who are attracted to you may show you in several additional ways, such as combing their hair, straightening their clothes, rubbing some part of their bodies on an object like a cup or a chair...”
Guess I’ve been doing it all wrong!
Guess I’ve been doing it all wrong!
July 4, 2023
"People's pupils expand for three reasons: 1. They are on cocaine..."
I don't know if this was a joke or not but I nearly died of laughter
I don't know if this was a joke or not but I nearly died of laughter
May 17, 2020
Thoroughly impressed by Garner's book. What stood out to me most was how succinct this book was: clear, actionable tips were given each chapter and were followed by examples. There was simply no BS and it got straight to the point--the whole book reads like a mini-guidebook which I really like, and it is a great reference.
The book was loaded was info. Some of my favorite points were the focus on utilizing free information, handling criticism gracefully (agree and self disclose), catastrophizing. Favorite quote: "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them." Important to have an optimistic perspective to shut out the inner demons. I recommend pairing this book with How To Win Friends and Influence People, which elaborates a bit more on these concepts.
The book was loaded was info. Some of my favorite points were the focus on utilizing free information, handling criticism gracefully (agree and self disclose), catastrophizing. Favorite quote: "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them." Important to have an optimistic perspective to shut out the inner demons. I recommend pairing this book with How To Win Friends and Influence People, which elaborates a bit more on these concepts.
June 1, 2012
I ordered three books on improving social skills, after days of scouring Amazon.com. This book was one of the three.
I had high expectations from this book, reading the rave reviews, however, I did not find any life altering strategies in it. The book is a very good read for the socially challenged. However, for those who are fairly functional socially, the book does offer a few good tips, but nothing outstanding.
I had high expectations from this book, reading the rave reviews, however, I did not find any life altering strategies in it. The book is a very good read for the socially challenged. However, for those who are fairly functional socially, the book does offer a few good tips, but nothing outstanding.
September 10, 2010
This book exceeded my expectations. I hoped it would help me with improving my general conversation skills, but it also has a chapter that deals with perfectionism/anxiety that I found incredibly beneficial.
September 21, 2012
Great advice on how to build meaningful conversations. The dialogue examples were especially helpful!
December 29, 2017
On Page 68 of the Kindle version "Holding Back for Fear of Boring the Other Person", the book mentions "kitty videos on YouTube".
There seem to be some (long-awaited) updates.
There seem to be some (long-awaited) updates.
April 7, 2025
Straight to the point and very effective
December 30, 2018
Straightforward advice and actionable tips for having better conversations and making friends. Some of the references are jarringly from different times -- like, you can't mention Amy Schumer in one place and then a discotheque in a later chapter without seriously confusing the reader about how up-to-date this book is. And while I appreciated the positivity and encouragement toward perseverance, I don't think anyone should be commended for asking a woman out six times to get a yes, and I most definitely don't feel sorry for the guy who stalked a woman for four years without getting up the nerve to talk to her (she dodged a bullet, IMHO -- he took a surreptitious photo of her and had it blown up to life sized? CREEPY). Anyway, those points aside, I've been putting the tips into practice during holiday parties this year, and they are working very well. I wish I'd read this book 20 years ago.
April 26, 2019
I needed a book that would help me master the art of conversation, and this book was a great place to start. It went over everything one needs to become a skilled conversationalist, including asking questions that promote conversation, listening so others will talk, and (the hardest one for me) starting conversations. It discussed nonverbal aspects of conversing too, and finally answered a question I’ve had for forever: how long to keep eye contact?? Answer: one to ten seconds.
I actually got a chance to put what I learned here into practice shortly before finishing the book. I went to a queer friend mixer at a vegan bar/bookstore, and it really worked! I found myself picking up free information and asking questions that kept the conversation going.
I actually got a chance to put what I learned here into practice shortly before finishing the book. I went to a queer friend mixer at a vegan bar/bookstore, and it really worked! I found myself picking up free information and asking questions that kept the conversation going.
May 13, 2021
Conversation has always been a chore for me - I’m an introvert with a wandering mind. But I’m always up for self improvement. Alan Garner’s Conversationally Speaking is a good, intuitive set of rules for improving your interactions with others.
The book has much to recommend it - it is short; the advice is easy to understand, and Garner includes many examples to hold your interest. There are only a couple of catches. First, you have to practice. Garner lets you know this up front. Reading the book by itself won’t do you much good. Second, he advises you to focus on one chapter at a time; in other words, he advises you NOT to read more than one chapter in a sitting.
Conversationally Speaking has already helped me. I plan to keep practicing.
The book has much to recommend it - it is short; the advice is easy to understand, and Garner includes many examples to hold your interest. There are only a couple of catches. First, you have to practice. Garner lets you know this up front. Reading the book by itself won’t do you much good. Second, he advises you to focus on one chapter at a time; in other words, he advises you NOT to read more than one chapter in a sitting.
Conversationally Speaking has already helped me. I plan to keep practicing.
Read
February 2, 2009First few pages are about difference between Close ended vs Open ended quetions. Now I know why some convesations between two person suddenly become awkward and boring eventhough both want to have converasation going.
February 25, 2019
Quick read that offers great examples and techniques to improve your conversation and communication skills. I would consider myself a socially apt and self- aware person but have felt my social skills with strangers deteriorate, so I found this book extremely helpful!
February 28, 2023
Practical book with a lot of action points and examples from real life. Read this book slowly and practice the techniques for some days / weeks before you move on to next chapter, or you won't remember a thing when you are done reading.
August 19, 2011
Outdated. Common sense. Not helpful in the least. I am still an outcast. Oh, drat.
June 24, 2015
Fantastic book to give you an awesome handbag of conversation tools! It gave me so many tips to keep conversations going effortlessly, and enjoy the dialogue too!
March 9, 2019
Great book! Put this one in your arsenal!
December 24, 2019
Full of real, workable techniques - now I need to start applying them!
December 6, 2024
Some of the examples in this were odd or poorly worded. Overall this was straightforward and did have some useful tips. Worth the quick read.
August 13, 2025
People often think that being able to speak to others properly/effectively is an innate talent, something that some are good at and others lack. This book shows that, just like any other skill, being able to talk to others well is basically a muscle in your brain that needs to be trained.
There are many unique insights and everyday skills that this book equips you with to use both personally and professionally to establish deeper and more fruitful connections with yourself and others.
The only reason why this book didn’t get 5 stars is that it can be a bit monotonous with some of the authors examples. Highly recommend & easy read.
There are many unique insights and everyday skills that this book equips you with to use both personally and professionally to establish deeper and more fruitful connections with yourself and others.
The only reason why this book didn’t get 5 stars is that it can be a bit monotonous with some of the authors examples. Highly recommend & easy read.
September 27, 2023
Conversationally Speaking is an absolutely phenomenal book! Amanda Goodwin Caporaletti and Alan Garner provide a number of useful tips and tricks for verbal and nonverbal communication. These are all illustrated using short conversational vignettes. Additionally, they cover very specific scenarios, such as requesting change and extending invitations. Again, the authors provide a number of brief conversation examples to clearly illustrate points. What I appreciated most, however, was the chapter on dealing with anxiety in social situations. The advice is clearly related to communication and relationship building. However, much of it is also more broadly applicable to life. For example, my favorite line in the book was, “You may have made mistakes, but those mistakes haven’t made you anything.”
Although the authors provide a ton of great information in the book, it’s still a very quick read. In addition to being straightforward, the writing is often lighthearted and fun. For example, when discussing the limitations of restrictive beliefs, they introduce the term “musturbation” to describe the behavior of “demanding obedience to ‘do's,’ ‘don'ts,’ ‘musts,’ and ‘mustn'ts.’” The authors also do an excellent job of inserting themselves into the material through stories and anecdotes. In doing so, they clearly illustrate points while also humanizing the material by presenting themselves as regular people who had to develop these skills over time and made mistakes along the way.
Although the authors provide a ton of great information in the book, it’s still a very quick read. In addition to being straightforward, the writing is often lighthearted and fun. For example, when discussing the limitations of restrictive beliefs, they introduce the term “musturbation” to describe the behavior of “demanding obedience to ‘do's,’ ‘don'ts,’ ‘musts,’ and ‘mustn'ts.’” The authors also do an excellent job of inserting themselves into the material through stories and anecdotes. In doing so, they clearly illustrate points while also humanizing the material by presenting themselves as regular people who had to develop these skills over time and made mistakes along the way.
January 30, 2020
The book contains plenty of actionable advice regarding various areas of being social - from not knowing what to say and getting anxious to giving compliments and letting others know about you in a way that makes them interested in hearing more.
The book contains no big secrets, and as such, there is nothing I didn't know before. But the book presents the points in an actionable way and gives examples that are useful for actually practicing the techniques.
As the book states - This is the beginning, now I need to use the material in real life!
The book contains no big secrets, and as such, there is nothing I didn't know before. But the book presents the points in an actionable way and gives examples that are useful for actually practicing the techniques.
As the book states - This is the beginning, now I need to use the material in real life!
February 3, 2020
Conversationally Speaking gives you all the know-how to tackle everyday conversations and how to go about making people feel interested in you when talking to them. I like the part which there's a tactic that could make you convince the other party that you don't have to do when he/she persuades or tells you to do! Definitely a recommendation for those who would want to have a wide social circle of friends👍🏻
December 31, 2020
Really practical advice for getting better at talking to people, as well as some relationship / conflict resolution advice that was pretty solid. The author strikes me as someone who would annoy me personally, but I plan to go back and try to work through some of his advice to get better at conversing. A good book for anyone who (like me) struggles to make friends and has anxiety over making conversation.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 103 reviews