Exercise Bike

by Carlton Mellick III

There is something wrong with Tori Manetti's new exercise bike. It is made from flesh and bone. It eats and breathes and poops. It was once a billionaire named Darren Oscarson who underwent years of cosmetic surgery to be transformed into a human exercise bike so that he could live out his deepest sexual fantasy. Now Tori is forced to ride him, use him as a normal piece of exercise equipment, no matter how grotesque his appearance.

Set in a health food dystopia, "Exerice Bike" is an absurd horror tale of domination and submission, power and obedience, desire and desperation, from Wonderland Book Award winner Carlton Mellick III.

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Horror, Fiction, Splatterpunk, Novella, Science Fiction

126 pages, Paperback

Published January 1, 2017

About the author

Carlton Mellick III (July 2, 1977, Phoenix, Arizona) is an American author currently residing in Portland, Oregon. He calls his style of writing "avant-punk," and is currently one of the leading authors in the recent 'Bizarro' movement in underground literature[citation needed] with Steve Aylett, Chris Genoa and D. Harlan Wilson.

Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.

Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.

He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.

In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.

In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.

Reviews

[Peter Topside · Rating 4 out of 5]

Phew…been awhile since I danced with Carlton Mellick. Bizarro at its finest. However as a 20-year veteran clinical exercise physiologist, I am always curious to see new trends in the fitness community, so this jumped out at me. And like…human exercise bikes and furniture? Yeah it’s a lot more gross than it sounds. And the exercise bike impregnates its user and grunts and sweats? Pretty gnarly, right? But just tons of really vulgar stuff included in this gem. Tori is sort of dual role as the protagonist and antagonist here, which is an interesting concept. The ending felt a bit rushed, but the story isn’t meant to be an award winner, so it was all good and fine. The visuals that Mellick provides really will turn your stomach. Mission accomplished, my friend! However, with all the talk of a futuristic society that limits your calories and food choices, this all made me very hungry. Who’s up for half price apps at Applebees?

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Man, I don’t even know where to begin with this. Even for Carlton Mellick, this was a weird book. I was truly grossed-out by much of what’s presented here, and consistently surprised throughout. Suffice it to say, NO ONE can quite stir up a picture as effortlessly in my mind as Mellick does with his easy prose and chilling humor. Plot-wise, we have a body-horror story about a woman forced to live with a man who underwent a surgery to transform himself into a fleshy, living exercise bike. And that really just scratches the surface of the bizarro things happening here. A truly original novella, executed with aplomb.

[John The Crippledgimp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Man this book is awesome. Well first off I have to say thank you to MadameD because she reviewed a Mellick book and because of that review it made me want to get lost in my own Mellick bizarre story and exercise bike did not disappoint. Carlton Mellick III is just a awesome storyteller and has a way of making you get attached to the character's in his story while at the same time making you very comfortable with reading some very bizarre fucked up shit and then by the end of the book you feel happy😆😆😆😆. Awesome fast read

[︎​𓆩Shawnee𓆪 · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVED.
You know, I don’t really feel like I should have to explain myself.

[Ash says Free Palestine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ngl I started reading this just to kill some time. Wasn't expecting much, but I weirdly enjoyed this. It was fucking weird and didn't overstay its welcome. Might check out more from the author (and more bizarro stories).

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not sure how Carlton comes up with these ideas (well this one is explained in the foreward) but I’m always shocked and impressed with the imagination that he has. I devoured this book, wanting to know what happened by the time I had to sleep. So good!

[Mindi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review to follow...

[Megan Magee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay, lumpy flesh that’s moist and breathing disguised as an exercise bike is so unsettling and out there that I feel like there’s not much to be said? Just read it if it’s intriguing to ya- and relish in the utter strangeness of such a book existing.

[Smiley III · Rating 5 out of 5]

I shouldn't be recommending this book to you; I don't want to be responsible. It's really, really awesome though, so I'll have to bear the burden.

If you've ever been screwed over, you'll love this book.

It's oddly feminist! Chicks get screwed over tons more, so it makes for good drama I guess.

Ever had to make a living? You know what it's like then.

But Carlton Mellick takes that premise and ... just ... walks you into ... well!

You'll see. A shit-ton of problems, heartache and abuse.

And pizza you wouldn't want to eat. A satisfying one-sitting read, this one!

Buy one for your friends; the size and price make for good party favors.

Probably part of the plan!

[Ian · Rating 4 out of 5]

CM3 - what an imagination, absolutely brilliant! Once again, I found this to be a really good, highly original, ‘adult’ short story that continued to entertain from start to finish. Yes, surreal, absurd, crazy and completely bizarre-o, but not without lots of obvious thought, intelligence and heaps of deep and meaningful insight being consistently applied within the narrative of this far-out futuristic fun tale. Right, I’m for a cycle...to escape those pesky waspies - yikes! Rating: 4.2 stars (a little too short and just lacked that final piece of star quality).

[Paige Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book definitely lived up to the hype and then some. WOW. This has to be the most unhinged CM3 book to exist, well, at least of the ones I've read thus-far. In this story, the setting is set in a dystopian health nut world. Each person is allotted so many calories/day. Tori is skin and bones and looking for ways to increase her calorie intake and decides to purchase an exercise bike in order to gain more calorie points. Sadly, these exercise bikes are out of her price range.

However, she is notified of a surprise trial bike and is lured by the 200 k sum that she would get if she agreed to the terms. This is no ordinary exercise bike. This bike is made of human flesh. In fact, this exercise bike used to be a living, breathing, human being. This man decided to become an exercise bike for his own sick fetish. Despite her reluctance, Tori agrees out of desperation for food. Once this bike gets delivered, she learns more shocking details that she was never informed of at the fitness store. As time goes on, Tori starts to fall into a depression but eventually her depression is alleviated when she finds a loophole.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It took bizarro to an entirely different level of unhinged sexual acts and body gross outs. I went into this one somewhat blind but it totally had me at a loss for words and feeling a weird sort of way. CM3 never disappoints with his absurd horror tales.

[Becki 🤎 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exercise bike 🚲

Myself & my book bestie Ashley have decided to team up for Mellick Mondays ☺️ We both love bizzaro and constantly speak about what we are reading next so a weekly buddy read & a little collab was the way to go 🤎

Tori lives in a world that’s built on calories, each person is allocated a set amount of daily calories & they’re not allowed to go over them. Problem is as much Tori sees herself as a “health Nazi” she’s also hungry! It’s not enough for her to live off & chewing wasps just isn’t going to cut it

So she goes in search for an exercise bike, that way she can burn calories in order to actually gain more in the long run. This is where she’s offered 200,000 to be a test dummy for one of the newer models, the only catch is she has to ride it for a full year and the bike has to pick you…shes told to strike the sexiest pose for it, then punches the sales guy straight in the face…that seemed to do the job, the bike wants her!

This isn’t any normal bike though, of course not! (It wouldn’t be bizzaro if it was) it’s a human modified version of a bike…its name is Darren. See Darren’s biggest wish in life was to become a bike and be used by beautiful woman for the rest of his life 👀😂

Can Tori face the bikes demands for a full year & 200,000 though…

I loved this 😂 I was actually laughing out loud so much through it Tori was such a good character 🤣 bizzaro is just a fun genre, I’m excited to be able to read more of Mellicks books. They just make a fun & easy read ☺️

Also shoutout for the mini comic strip as an afterword! Loved that 👌🏻 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Check your triggers! It’s a little naughty in places 🤭

[Stacey Page · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ermmmm what did I just read 🤣🤣

[Shawn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Imagine being a highly paid madame for furniture.

[Reia Pande · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5⭐️ I’m at a loss for words 🤣 Weirdest book I’ve ever read! I love disturbing palette cleansers, ha ha

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

4,5 ⭐ aufgerundet.
Alright, wie erkläre ich jetzt allen, die mich kennen, dass ein Buch mit diesem Inhalt eines der besten ist, die ich in diesem Jahr gelesen habe?
Ich war ja zunächst skeptisch, denn sind wir mal ehrlich, der Klappentext klingt dann doch sehr male fantasy soft porn-y, doch dann stellt sich der eigentliche Inhalt als wirklich geniale Zukunftsdystopie mit einer Protagonistin heraus, die so badass ist, dass sich einige meiner "seriöseren" Lektüren in diesem Jahr eine große Scheibe davon abschneiden könnten. Das menschliche Heimfahrrad ist weniger Hauptteil der Handlung als vielmehr Rahmen, in den unglaublich bizarre, aber zugleich ebenso unterhaltsame Elemente gewoben werden, die mir letztlich ein rundum unterhaltsame Lesezeit beschert haben, so simpel und kurz das Buch auch sein mag.

Was soll ich sagen? Auf die duality meines Lesegeschmacks, hurray.

[Suki J · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.25 stars.
Well I don't think I'm ever going to forget this book!
This was extreme to the extent that I've not really read before. The ideas were incredibly inventive and disgusting and pushed me past the limit of the type of horror I would consider reading normally.
I feel like it had some interesting stuff to say about the dangers of taking healthy living too far as a society and I thought the ending was perfect. It's very hard to rate as it was just so gross!

[Suki J · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.25 stars.
Well I don't think I'm ever going to forget this book!
This was extreme to the extent that I've not really read before. The ideas were incredibly inventive and disgusting and pushed me past the limit of the type of horror I would consider reading normally.
I feel like it had some interesting stuff to say about the dangers of taking healthy living too far as a society and I thought the ending was perfect. It's very hard to rate as it was just so gross!

[l e i g h a n n ♡ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Well. That was certainly….a book.

[Trisha · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was tough - hard to read at times. Definitely bizzaro fiction. Not my jam.

[Roo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was absolutely WILD! I binged it because I had no idea what I was reading but I was so entertained.

P.s The bonus section at the end made me giggle.

[Danyel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honestly I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little interested in a similar exercise plan….this was great! I want more!

[Meike Buursma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eh, what did I just read? This book is definitely bizarre, which fits the genre. Lots of crazy twists with a good storyline. Switch your mind off and enjoy the ride!

[Jon R. Meyers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is fun, gross, original, clever, weird, and highly memorable. It may even be one of my all-time favorite CM3 titles to date.

[Andrew Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review soon hopefully...

[Chloe Keys · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read this out of pure curiosity …. What the F😳😂

[Rodney · Rating 5 out of 5]

In​​ ​​a​​ ​​world​​ ​​where​ ​calories​​ ​​are​​ ​​counted​​ ​​like​​ ​​cash​​ ​​and​​ ​​junk​​ ​​food​​ ​​is​​ ​​outlawed,​ ​​Tori​ ​resorts​ ​to​ ​eating wasps​ ​to​ ​sustain​ ​herself​ ​due​ ​to​ ​her​ ​high​ ​metabolism.​ ​She​ ​wishes​ ​she​ ​had​ ​the​ ​option​ ​to​ ​use​ ​U-Fit exercise​ ​equipment​ ​as​ ​a​ ​way​ ​to​ ​add​ ​calories​ ​to​ ​her​ ​calorie​ ​card,​ ​but​ ​the​ ​machines​ ​are ridiculously​ ​expensive.​ ​An​ ​odd​ ​employee​ ​at​ ​a​ ​U-fit​ ​store​ ​offers​ ​Tori​ ​a​ ​chance​ ​to​ ​use​ ​an experimental​ ​prototype​ ​bike​ ​at​ ​no​ ​charge.​ ​One​ ​hurdle​ ​though,​ ​the​ ​bike​ ​must​ ​approve​ ​her​ ​as​ ​a user​ ​first.​ ​See,​ ​the​ ​“Darren​ ​II”​ ​used​ ​to​ ​be​ ​a​ ​man,​ ​but​ ​has​ ​had​ ​years​ ​of​ ​surgery​ ​to​ ​become​ ​an exercise​ ​bike,​ ​all​ ​to​ ​satisfy​ ​a​ ​twisted​ ​fantasy.
This​​ ​​cute​​ ​​little​​ ​​book​​ ​​is​​ ​​a​ ​perverse​​ ​​monster​​ ​​in​​ ​disguise​.​ ​Mellicks​ ​ideas​ ​are consistently​ ​amazing,​ ​and​ ​this​ ​is​ ​one​ ​his​ ​craziest.​ ​The​ ​reality​ ​for​ ​Tori​ ​and​ ​the​ ​rest of​ ​those​ ​in​ ​this​ ​“health​ ​food​ ​dystopia”​ ​is​ ​rich​ ​and​ ​well​ ​thought​ ​out.​ ​The​ ​situations involving​ ​her​ ​and​ ​the​ ​exercise​ ​bike​ ​are​ ​disturbing​ ​and​ ​absurdly​ ​funny​ ​to​ ​say​ ​the least.​ ​A​ ​truly​ ​enjoyable​ ​read​ ​that​ ​I​ ​will​ ​not​ ​forget.

[William M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not surprising, Mellick hits another home run with Exercise Bike. A great concept of a world in which calorie counting and governmental monitoring of your healthy eating habits are the law, creating a black market of rich and fatty foods. These ideas were a little too close to home, just coming off Michelle Obama pushing her ideals of what children should be fed at school and New York City mayors banning salt and large size sodas. It's crazy. Mellick really exposes this governmental overreach in a very entertaining way.

My only problem came with the character of Federico and the secret of his underground restaurant. That angle seemed a little too pedestrian for Mellick and when the violence started, I felt like I've read that part of the story many times before. Aside from that, I had a great time reading this and as usual, this author never fails to impress me. Solid recommendation.

[Nicola (deathandthemacabre) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was fucking insane 😂 it's crazy and incredibly bizarre but that's the idea! It's set in a dystopian time where calories have to be earned, and she uses the exercise bike to do so.

The scenarios are creative and absurd and push your imagination to the max. It's gross and ridiculous, and I loved it 😬 it's my first Mellick, and it won't be my last!

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, that was weird. I couldn’t put it down. 4 stars!