Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape

by Peggy Orenstein

A generation gap has emerged between parents and their daughters. Mothers and fathers have little idea about the pressures and expectations they face or how they feel about them.

Drawing on in-depth interviews with young women and a wide range of psychologists and experts, renowned journalist and bestselling author Peggy Orenstein goes where most others fear to tread, pulling back the curtain on the hidden truths and hard lessons of girls’ sex lives in the modern world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism

320 pages, Paperback

Published October 6, 2016

About the author

Peggy Orenstein is a best-selling author and a contributing writer for The New York Times Magazine. Orenstein has also written for such publications as The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Vogue, Elle, Discover, More, Mother Jones, Salon, O: The Oprah Magazine, and The New Yorker, and has contributed commentaries to NPR’s "All Things Considered." Her articles have been anthologized multiple times, including in The Best American Science Writing. She has been a keynote speaker at numerous colleges and conferences and has been featured on, among other programs, "Nightline," "Good Morning America," "Today," NPR’s "Fresh Air" and Morning Edition, and CBC’s "As It Happens."

Orenstein was recognized for her “Outstanding Coverage of Family Diversity,” by the Council on Contemporary Families and received a “Books For A Better Life Award” for Waiting for Daisy. Her work has also been honored by the Commonwealth Club of California, the National Women’s Political Caucus of California, and Planned Parenthood Federation of America. Additionally, she has been awarded fellowships from the United States-Japan Foundation and the Asian Cultural Council.

Orenstein is a graduate of Oberlin College and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and daughter.

Reviews

[Grace · Rating 3 out of 5]

“I want sexuality to be a source of self-knowledge and creativity and communication despite its potential risks. I want them to revel in their bodies’ sensuality without being reduced to it. I want them to be able to ask for what they want in bed, and to get it. I want them to be safe from disease, unwanted pregnancy, cruelty, dehumanisation, and violence. If they are assaulted, I want them to have resource from their school administrators, employers, the courts. It’s a lot to ask for, but it’s not too much...”

“It’s a lot to ask for, but it’s not too much...” couldn’t have said it better if I tried. Orenstein’s writing could become boring and overly wordy. However I did enjoy this read, mainly because I too am a modern woman with a progressive way of thinking. I have read other reviews pointing out the authors bias writing. Although I agree with this statement it didn’t bother me because my opinions mirrored hers.

[Wendy Jackson · Rating 3 out of 5]

It has been 35 years since I was my daughter's age, and I need all the help I can get to understand the modern context of teen/tween girls (they didn't even have tweens when I was that age). There is no shortage of material describing in exquisite and horrifying detail the toxicity for teens of social media, dangers of the internet more broadly, and the perils of smartphones. As a result, I feel like I am prepping myself (and her) for harrowing times ahead.
Orenstein's book is well-researched and quite thorough, but I wish it would have been less descriptive and with more concrete and explicit advice. The last chapter provides some useful material, but it is in the context of delivery to teens by specialist sex education experts. Is this the only way? This book - while providing extensive material on why I need to be worried - has only been somewhat helpful in terms of understanding what more I can do as a parent.

[Emma · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book made me very glad I didn't grow up, go to high school or college in the USA. Not that it is terrible to do so but I got passable sex education here in Scotland, enough that when I got older I knew myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm still learning, I make mistakes but I have the basic knowledge and I've had it from a young age. Scottish Sex Ed isn't the most detailed on the planet but it made it normal. It was very much a this is something everyone does, there is nothing weird about it, funny about having it but wait until you're ready and be safe. I even distinctly remember watching a video in which there was a short clip of hand drawn people having sex and videos which were obviously shot in the 70s and hadn't been replaced when my class came along in the 90s.

I'm not saying the situations that are shared in this book are uncommon in the UK, however, I would think they are probably very common but I didn't have them. It was quite eye-opening to see accounts from girls around my age and a little bit younger and the pressure they feel and the expectations from men. That being said, they are anecdotal. If I was asked the same questions my answers would be very different and I think that is where this book fails a bit. It tries to apply some experiences to everyone's experiences. If it had shown varying accounts or made an effort to show that this cannot be applied to everyone then it would have been a better book.

The stories within these pages are important. The message about opening sexual education up more and giving women more information is important. Read this book but don't make it your only reading material on the subject.

[Georgia Francis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Girls & Sex is a thought-provoking and valuable read, not only for young women but young men, mothers, fathers and anyone who is interested in female sexuality.

Orenstein interviews girls aged between 15 and 20 with different backgrounds, sexual preferences and sexual experiences across America. The book explores the girls' many differing attitudes to sex including those who engage in casual sexual encounters, those saving themselves for marriage and those who have experienced sexual violence and rape. Orenstein also discusses how these girls feel about their own bodies and the hyper-sexualisation of clothes, adverts and female celebrities.

In my opinion, one of the most interesting issues raised in this book is the insecurities girls and young women have about their vulvas and the inequality of cunnilingus and fellatio in male-female sexual encounters. Another point that has stayed with me is the way we as a society use the analogy of baseball - a competitive, win or lose sport - to describe different sexual acts, which suggests that some sexual acts are worth more than others and that you are playing against the other team or person (or people) as opposed to working with them to create a sexual experience which both/all people can enjoy.

Overall, I highly recommend this book; I've somewhat persistently recommended this book to all of the young women in my life as it is such a worthwhile read. It has stayed on my mind ever since I read it and it has helped me to consider my own thoughts and feelings surrounding sex.

[Angelique · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not the book I was expecting it to be. I was hoping to get more information. It's very readable, but there isn't a whole lotta new info. Big take aways are to talk to children about sexuality at 9/10 and to explain to female children that they don't have to take care of 'blue balls'. I would read another book by her for sho.

I also did not like all the footnotes randomly at the end.

Here are my take aways, again, not as many as I thought I would:
p.11
not all boys engage in such behaviour...every single girl - regardless of her class, ethnicity, or sexual orientation; regardless of what she wore, regardless of her appearance - had been harassed in middle school, hight school, college, or, often, all three. Who, then, is truly at risk of being "distracted" at school.
p. 20
After age forty, men become the more dominant selfie posters.
p.53
gonorrhea (a disease that, about a decade ago, researchers thought was on the verge of eradication)
p.198
...a 2014 study in which nearly a third of college men agreed they would rape a woman if they could get away with it - though that percentage dropped to 13.6 percent when the word rape (as opposed to 'force a woman to have sexual intercourse') was actually used in the question.

[Rose M · Rating 4 out of 5]

Orenstein accomplishes a lot with this book, giving an unflinching look at the sexual landscape of girlhood. Her findings are useful to the extent that they are applied to the specific context she attempts to describe - the experiences of privileged (mostly white) girls in the west who have supposedly reaped the greatest benefit from the feminist movement. Interviews and case studies are well-integrated with the wider research, and I think her analyses are generally fair and in the right measure. At times it reads as somewhat dated (e.g., no discussion of the consequences of the proliferation of dating apps, superficial and limited consideration of queer and other marginalized identities) but plenty does resonate for it to still feel relevant. It’s not the be-all and end-all authority on girls & sex, but together with other literature is a useful resource and starting point for further exploration.

[Aimee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This books gave me chills and at times, reads just like a horror. The anecdotal examples throughout gave me a fly on the wall experience that I felt was really valuable as a parent. It has changed the way I will approach the 'birds and the bees' conversation with my children when their time comes. It is not enough to talk about reproduction and contraception anymore. We need to inform our children about consent, enjoyment (particularly female enjoyment), the effect of alcohol and drugs, oral sex, etc.... and Peggy explains why this is so important in a very powerful way.

Reading this has reaffirmed (once again) why we need feminism today. And more importantly, why it is so essential to teach our boys to be feminists too.

[Jennifer Richards · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall a quick and enjoyable read. Some of it wasn’t necessarily groundbreaking to me, I suppose because I have grown up in the generation of girls this book is about, so have lived through a lot of these experiences myself. I agree with some reviews that there was a bit of generalisation, but I feel that this book is quite a good starting point for opening up discussion about various different topics e.g. sex education, rape culture, hookup culture etc.

[Teresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 of 5 stars. Lots of compelling evidence - both statistics and anecdotes - about how open sexual education and communication makes for a happier, healthier society. While framed around girls and the stigma that surrounds female sexuality, this is an important read for everyone, particularly parents, educators, and policy-makers.

[Larisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is required reading for the sexuality module i'm taking this semester but it was a good read! several important points were made and i'm psyched to discuss this book in class next week. it has enlightened me in many ways, though i feel that there are certain areas which i feel are iffy and not fleshed out enough.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye opening and thought provoking. Regard less of whether or not you agree with Orenstein's approach it is difficult to justify ignoring the issues she raises in this accessible text.

[ASC Library]

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