Dear Michael, Love Dad: Letters, laughter and all the things we leave unsaid.

by Iain Maitland

Dear Lupin

Letters, Laughter and all the things we leave unsaid...

Dear Michael,

Moving your whatnots et al into the flat has put paid to any improvements in my back. Still, at least it's done now.Your mother is already worrying how you'll cope and is at work on reams of notes on all sorts of matters from how to tell if meat has gone off to washing whites. Smell it and wear black is my advice. Please do try to master the can opener and other basics before calling. You know how she worries.

When Iain Maitland's eldest son left home for university he wrote regularly to him; funny, curmudgeonly letters chronicling their family life and giving Michael unsolicited and hopeless advice on everything from DIY to women. He never expected a reply - they were simply his way of continuing their relationship. What Iain didn't realise was that away from home his beloved boy was suffering from depression and anorexia. Only much later did it become apparent to Iain and his wife just how oblivious they had been, and for how very long.

Told through Iain's letters and the unfolding reality of Michael's situation, Dear Michael, Love Dad forces us to question how well we can ever truly know our loved ones, but most of all expresses the unbreakable bond between a father and son.

Genres: Mental Health, Nonfiction

368 pages, Kindle Edition

Published July 28, 2016

About the author

Iain Maitland has been a professional writer since 1987. He has written over 50 books, mainly on business, and been published as far away as Russia, India, Japan, USA and Australia. He has also written for the Sunday Times, Which? and the Financial Times amongst many others.

Reviews

[Caroline · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is such a weird book, it's hard to know how to review it.

Basically it's a series of letters from Iain Maitland to his son Michael. Michael develops anorexia and depression over the course of the correspondence. The emphasis is all on Iain, the father, whose jolly and humorous letters dominate the course of the book. It seems like the family were almost totally in denial of Michael's problems. (Okay, for most of the book Michael wasn't living at home. He was living in another town with his girlfriend, but even so, the cheerfulness of the letters really grates with the reality that Michael must have been experiencing.) Even when a family friend visits Michael's parents, and voices his concerns about his mental health, Iain ignores what he says, and carries on writing his chirpy letters, as though nothing has happened.

Three ameliorating factors:

1) Iain repeatedly berates himself between the letters, saying how could they not have recognised how serious their son's condition was. He acknowledges time and time again that they could have done a lot more.

2) Iain himself had a very dysfunctional childhood, and obviously finds it very difficult to express the affection he feels for his children. He is the epitome of someone with a 'stiff upper lip', except his upper lip is rather disguised, under a mantle of jokes, humour and back slapping bonhomie.

3) I sensed that he does in fact care deeply about his family, in spite of not being able to show it. In his letters he writes about them all at such great length and in such detail. He also seems to have been a full-on dad. He was there for them, not only because he worked at home as a writer, but because he obviously enjoyed their company.

But at the end of the book I felt I had learnt tons about Iain, and virtually nothing about his son. Towards the end of the book I started skipping the letters, and instead I was scouring the in-between paragraphs, trying to find out more about Michael, and how he was getting on at The Priory, where he was receiving treatment for his anorexia.

I think this might be a good book for parents with anorexic children to read, even better, for those who suspect their children might be anorexic to read. It might help them face up to what is happening. In many ways I feel sympathetic to Iain's determination to ignore what was going on. All of us have had the experience when faced with a difficult situation, of wishing hope against hope that all is well, and the temptation to bury one's head in the sand is strong for all of us.

I wish that Michael had written parts of this book as well. The absence of his perspective left great big gaps in this story. For me this was a book all about fatherhood, (in fact over the course of the book Iain probably discusses his other children more than he discusses Michael.)

I will end by saying that in spite of my criticisms I finished the book, and I jettison books very easily if I don't like them. The letters for the most part were warm and funny, and I enjoyed that - even if the letters were so at odds with what his son was experiencing. It was weird, but an okay read.

[Jay Ward A.K.A. Chris Chambers · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very disappointing. Seriously. It's not very often I finish a book and rate it less than 3 stars. I enjoy a story and books, every book, provides at least that. But this one never takes flight. It taxis' and taxis' and taxis' on and around the frigin' runway until it's the 11th hour, time for take off, and splat...runs out of gas. Nothing ever happened. The only saving grace was the sense-of-humor of the author who was lol funny at times. But even that started to become exactly what the rest of the book is in my opinion.....a "look at me, I wrote these letters, aren't I funny!?." You can feel him actually remembering at times that this book is supposed to be about his sick son and he'll make a hard left and start talking about Michael again. Too bad. Very likable guy/family, pretty funny, but kind of a blown opportunity on his part to write a heartfelt novel for/about his son.

[Rachel Noding · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable and heartfelt. I read the letters Iain write to his son and then read his internal thoughts and feelings towards them and thought it was clear that Iain was beating himself up regarding his considered failings as a father and family. Honest although quite awkward at stages, overall, I enjoyed this.

[Judith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this. Iain's letters are funny and he doesn't hide away from his reasoning for not recognising his son's symptoms. It's an excellent, informative read and not depressing - just a matter-of-fact recounting of what happened. It will make you laugh in places too. Highly recommended read.

[Phil · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although there was a lot of humour in this book, I found it quite a gruelling read. The contrast of Iain's jokey, flippant letters and his son Michael's slow descent into depression and anorexia was painful. Many times I winced at Iain's repeated references to weight, his jokes about mental illness and his total oblivion to his son's true situation. When a family friend bravely visits them to warn them that Michael's 'skinniness' is really a sign of dangerous illness, Iain's response is to write to his son with the request "Please say it's not true." And once he finally accepts the truth, his solution is that Michael just needs to start eating three square meals a day with the occasional doughnut thrown in...

It's hard not to get angry with Iain for his wilful blindness and simplistic responses. At the same time, it's impossible not to be moved by the genuine warmth of his letters. His childhood was obviously very traumatic and made it difficult for him to express emotions openly, but you can't read these letters and not be aware of the deep love for his son that prompted them. I also respected his courage and honesty in sharing the family's story, especially as he makes no attempt to sugar-coat or tone down his own mistakes. It takes a lot of guts to publish such a warts-and-all account of your own errors!

A brave, heartfelt book which hopefully will start many conversations about mental health and help to dismiss some of the popular misconceptions around 'making an effort' and 'pulling yourself together'. I particularly appreciated Michael's input at the end, as I felt it gave much deeper dimension than simply having his father's viewpoint.

[Greete · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nii segaseid tundeid pole enne olnud mingi raamatu puhul... Inimesed näevad aastaid kõrvalt oma pereliiget hääbumas, aga keegi ei tee mitte midagi ja keegi ei reageeri?... ja põhjendust isegi sellele polnud. Idee ja teostus 5*, praegusel ajal vajalik raamat lugemiseks, depressioon on PÄRIS haigus, mitte "tule oma voodist juba ükskord välja ja tee midagi."

[Debbie Abbott]

Having met the author and his son it was good to read the one-side letters from Iain to his son Michael. Would now like to read Michael's responses.

It is a journey of how Michael battled with depression and become anorexic with the love and support from his family.

[Niamh bonner · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at the difficulty of parenting someone with a mental heath problem. Written through a series of letters it is a different way to see how insidious and complicated our mental health is

[Tõnis Hallaste · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hakkasin lugema, lootuses saada humoorikaid kirju ühelt armastavalt isalt pojale ning tasapisi avastamist, et armastatud poeg on n-ö katki, ehkki pole nagu olnud midagi, mis oleks teda katki teinud.
Sain hoopis ühe suhteliselt onuheinoliku tüübi nõudlikud kirjad kodust eemas ülikoolis olevale pojale, kes aina enam kapseldub. Kommentaarid kah sekka.

Raamatu esimest poolt lugedes tundus, et see küüniline omavaheline iroonia, millega pereliikmed üksteist kostitavad (a la stiilis "aga me siiski oleme üksteisele kallid, me lihtsalt räägimegi niimoodi, ära tule mõõtma meid oma pehmokese joonlauaga") olekski justkui piisav, et inimest aina enam õõnestada, panna kahtlema endas ja oma väärtuses.
(Mingeid näitelauseid:
1) kui noorema venna kohta küsitakse koolis, milles Adam hea on, vastab isa vaimutsedes: "Me ei tea, me ikka veel püüame teada saada."
2) "(Adam) paistis alati olevat õnnelik nende naljade ja narritamiste üle, mida me peame sooja ja armastava, üksteisega heas läbisaamises perekonna loomulikuks osaks.")

Pärastpoole hakkasin mõtlema, et see Adam, kellest siin räägitakse, kes oli väikevend, tal polnudki sellest eriti midagi, tema sai omadega hakkama. Ja isa nentis kah, et mingit absoluutset nunnutavat armastust ei oskakski ta pakkuda, oma kasvatus oli liialt armastusevaene.
Ja kuigi lugedes tundus väga nõmedalt onuheinolik see jutustaja pereisa, siis ometigi ümber jutustades paneb mõtlema sellele, ehk ma ise sean hetkel lati liiga kõrgele. Kui kaitstuna-hoituna peaks laps ennast tundma, enne kui läheb liiale - kustmaalt tuleb liigne hoidmine või hellitamise oht?
Mul laps kolmene alles, hetkel ei tundu õige selline iroonia. Ent võib-olla meenub endagi lapsepõlvest selle normaliseerimine. Ja ma ise olin väga irooniline, vähemalt enda mäletamist mööda. Sest iroonia ja küünilisus on ju lahedad, neist on raskem kinni hakata või neid on raskem ilkuda kui siirast osavõtlikkust ja heatahtlikkust. Vot need on naeruväärsed. Ja oma potentsiaalses naeruväärsuses on need ehk teistmoodi vapruse vorm.

Kuidas on ent irooniaga mu teistes suhetes? Nüüd hakkan mõtlema, ehk ma ironiseerin liialt oma klassi õpilaste juuresolekul... Samas taganeksin siiski sellest, et öelda, et "me kõik püüame alles teada saada, kas tema üldse midagi oskab".

Tekitas mõtteid küll, ka oma elu üle pani veidi mõtlema. Mis on justkui hea kirjanduse tunnus. Aga oli siiski üsna tüütult korduv lugemine, samad naljad mitu korda. Aga arvasin, et vahel on hea lugeda raamatut, mis mulle ei meeldi. Saan ka teada, mida õpilased tunnevad.

Ja noh, midagi oli selles mõtteteras siiski, et nii lihtne on lasta inimesel ära kaduda. Isegi kui järjepidevalt kirjutad talle kirju oma elust ja tegemistest, võib inimene salamisi ära surra oma kohutavates depressioonisügavikes, sest sa pole ise kohale läinud ja küsinud inimeselt otse: "Kuidas sul läheb?"

[Kane Vallance · Rating 3 out of 5]

A perfectly okay book.

I was tempted to drop it during the first third; there are a lot of letters included here that add nothing to the story being told, and when paired with Maitland’s repetitive paragraphs between letters when information and opinions we’ve already heard a dozen times gets relayed once more, it becomes almost tiring to read.

The book’s biggest fault is that we never really learn much about its subject—Michael. Any time that he truly is the focus, it shines bright as an exceptional love letter to a man’s struggling son and PSA about mental health which is endlessly important for obvious reasons. It’s a shame though, because for the most part it’s Iain’s letters, Iain’s opinions, and Iain’s experiences. I could tell you everything about those (which is fair, given it IS his account of the story) but so little about Michael’s own experiences until the very end.

It doesn’t help that there are countless occasions where we have to read about Iain’s thoughts on people who can’t speak English, women’s tastes, and what is/isn’t politically correct. From the bottom of my heart I think it is just something to do with being from a different generation and it never reads as coming from a bad or prejudiced place, but man it doesn’t necessarily make those moments encouraging or likeable to read.

On the flip side I do admire the transparency, honesty, and heart put in to such a sensitive book, and it does help that Maitland clearly owns up to many of his mistakes and skewed perspective. By the last fifty or so pages, you see him transform in to a substantially more likeable and open person. It helps, and the second half-to-final third of the book is by far the best part of it all.

A book I’m very conflicted on as a whole, but still incredibly glad that I gave it a read.

[Piret Tamm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Üks veidi kummaline, natuke isegi valgustuslik raamat. Kirjutatud tavalise mehe poolt. Tema mõtted ja kirjad pojale läbi aastate. Omajagu kurviga huumorivõtmes kirjutatud kirjadest saab aru perekonna tegudest ja toimimistest. Lapsed kasvavad, elu toimub. Aga kirjade saaja jääb järjest haigemaks. Kirjutaja ja pere ei oska näha haigust, püüavad pisut ka teemast mööda vaadata, loodavad lihtsaid muutusi.
"Söö kolm korda päevas ja roni voodist välja!" on head soovitused ninatargale teismelisele, aga ei aita kõige vähematki sügavas depressioonis anorektikut. Et selliseid asju osataks näha ja mõistetaks erinevusi, ongi selliste lugude kirjutamist-jajagamist vaja. Ka raskeid haigusi saab ravida, oluline on ravini jõuda. Armastusest jääb kahjuks sellistes olukordades väheseks. Arsti on tarvis. Ja armastust, hoolimist, tarkus ja kallistusi. Isegi siis kui sa oled pisut enesekeskne ja endassesulguv mees ning see kalistamise värk ei ole sinu rida.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

I couldn't give this anymore than 3 stars. This is more of Iains account of what it was like to have a son with anorexia and a mental health illness. A lot of it was just back story and mostly day to day goings on in the Maitland household. It was all told in letters that Iain wrote to his son Michael over several years and then he commented on the letters and what was actually going on.

[Verity · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did find this book compelling but was shocked at how ignorant Iain was of his son's illness.

[debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing, beautiful book, was really moved and couldn't put it down.

[Adelyne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bought this book and read it straight away (very rare for me, considering my overfilled bookcases) because I loved the concept from the blurb. Once I got started, this was coupled with the other thing I really liked about this book which was Iain’s incredibly honest account of a parent struggling to connect with a child with mental illness. In a way, the unidirectional letters written (from some of the letters, it alludes to the fact that Michael did respond in some manner, although the reader isn’t shown any part of these exchanges) further drove the point home – that it is very difficult to understand what’s going on in the mind of someone struggling with a mental illness. That being said though, and this doesn’t take anything away from the fact that I appreciate how much he must have struggled through, I’m not sure what I think of Michael’s character having read through till the end of the book. I was hoping for a bit more “reverse perspective” at the end (this was promised from the start of the book, that there will be a portion for Michael’s point of view later on), where he seems to just resignedly accept that it must have had been difficult for his father. I felt like this was an inadequate description, and my earlier notion of him being rather selfish remained. Yes, I get that he was struggling immensely with all the university-associated worries leading to his inability, for instance, to get out of bed in the morning, but he seemed to be able to draw on some creative inspiration at times – most poignantly with the part about faking visits to the counsellor just to get more money off his parents. I also find his ending with Niamh a bit sad, after all that they’d gone through. Regardless, it looks like the family is moving on, and they are portrayed so well and so realistically that it makes it impossible not to root for them moving forward. The love and perspective of a father whose child has flown the nest really shines through in this book, and close to 100% of that is down to Iain’s honest and carefree way of writing the letters. 4 stars.

[Sammy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really, really wanted to enjoy this, having met several of those featured in the book. However, I found it to be overly repetitive and - far too often - rambling unnecessarily. To me, this was meant to be the story of Michael. Instead, letter by letter, I learned more of Iain’s ignorance to his son’s needs and - through the comments in between - his self-deprecation. This could have been so much deeper, and so much more enlightening. It is a shame, as the story had the ability to influence other parents of those struggling with mental health.

Sadly, this was not Michael’s story. This was merely a father attempting to alleviate his guilt in a very public manner.

[Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Südamlik ja hingeminev lugu.
Täpselt selline raamat, mille tegelastega koos rõõmustada, kurvastada ja kelle peale vihastada. Kuidas te saite nii pimedad olla, kuidas te ometi midagi ei märganud?
Kohustuslik kirjandus neile, kelle lähikonnas keegi depressiooni ja/või toitumishäirete all kannatab.

[Meltz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nooo nii aeglaselt pole ma ammu lugenud. Kõik teised raamatud käisid vahepeal käest läbi, aga seda käsi tõstma ei tõusnud. Väga kaua kaua pikalt igavalt arenes teema. Vanemad olid küll elu pimedad kui nad 5 aastaga ei märka, et nende poeg on anorektik.

Igatahes natukene kahetsem, et selle riiulist haarasin.