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The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect
Was your mother too busy, too tired, or too checked-out to provide you with the nurturing you needed as a child? Men and women who were “undermothered” as children often struggle with intimate relationships, in part because of their unmet need for maternal care. The Emotionally Absent Mother will help you understand what was missing from your childhood, how this relates to your mother’s own history, and how you can fill the “mother gap” by:
Examining the past with compassion for yourself and your mother
Finding the child inside of you and learning to mother yourself
Opening to the archetype of the Good Mother
Allowing friends and loved ones to provide support, guidance, and other elements of good mothering that you missed
Through reflections, exercises, and clear explanations, psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori helps adult sons and daughters heal the wounds left by mothers who failed to provide the essential ingredients that every child needs. She traces perceived personal “defects” back to mothering deficits, relieving self-blame. And, by teaching today’s undermothered adults to cultivate the mothering they missed, she helps them secure a happier future—for themselves and their children.
Examining the past with compassion for yourself and your mother
Finding the child inside of you and learning to mother yourself
Opening to the archetype of the Good Mother
Allowing friends and loved ones to provide support, guidance, and other elements of good mothering that you missed
Through reflections, exercises, and clear explanations, psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori helps adult sons and daughters heal the wounds left by mothers who failed to provide the essential ingredients that every child needs. She traces perceived personal “defects” back to mothering deficits, relieving self-blame. And, by teaching today’s undermothered adults to cultivate the mothering they missed, she helps them secure a happier future—for themselves and their children.
304 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2010
2025 people are currently reading
11298 people want to read
About the author
Jasmin Lee Cori
14 books103 followersJasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in working with adults who experienced childhood abuse and neglect. She has worked in human service agencies and private practice, and taught psychology in colleges and professional schools. She is the author of numerous articles and five books, including Healing From Trauma.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 381 reviews
December 28, 2016
It's ok, guys - no one in my family is on GoodReads. :-)
This book was -awesome-.
This book was -awesome-.
Currently reading
May 31, 2011breathtaking...finally now I know...everything is not my fault...but its still sad because she will never change.
January 5, 2021
(Review 2012). I found this an extremely well-written book. Whilst there is clearly a self-help aspect to this book, it doesn't feel superficial or unrealistic as I find some other books that address the same issues.
I initially found the listing of what is good mothering and good mother messages triggering. While I had previously thought about everything listed, it was still a lot to take in and really hold and contemplate at once. It was an easier read after taking some time to process that.
Clearly Cori knows the in-and-outs and subtleties of having an emotionally absent caregiver. The information is presented in a way that would strike a cord even with those who flirt heavily with denial, either concerning their own parent or themselves as a parent; justifying or idealizing in attempts to avoid the emotional impact of their upbringing.
That said, I look forward to a book - or am looking for one, if anyone has any ideas - that addresses the father role. Whilst she states the idea of 'mother' could be anyone in care-taking role, the use of 'mother' language obviously provides some barrier to translating this material. There are also social and cultural differences for how a father's absence is viewed.
The exercises she offers all seem highly valuable and relevant, and worthy contemplations for anyone. I appreciated the encouragement and discussions of 'self-care' and self-compassion. And the acknowledgment that individuals can work towards healing NOW, by themselves (although support is preferable).
Overall, an insightful and helpful book. Probably has value for everyone to some degree. Even to become mindful of what it is to connect with children in a way that supports their healthy development.
I initially found the listing of what is good mothering and good mother messages triggering. While I had previously thought about everything listed, it was still a lot to take in and really hold and contemplate at once. It was an easier read after taking some time to process that.
Clearly Cori knows the in-and-outs and subtleties of having an emotionally absent caregiver. The information is presented in a way that would strike a cord even with those who flirt heavily with denial, either concerning their own parent or themselves as a parent; justifying or idealizing in attempts to avoid the emotional impact of their upbringing.
That said, I look forward to a book - or am looking for one, if anyone has any ideas - that addresses the father role. Whilst she states the idea of 'mother' could be anyone in care-taking role, the use of 'mother' language obviously provides some barrier to translating this material. There are also social and cultural differences for how a father's absence is viewed.
The exercises she offers all seem highly valuable and relevant, and worthy contemplations for anyone. I appreciated the encouragement and discussions of 'self-care' and self-compassion. And the acknowledgment that individuals can work towards healing NOW, by themselves (although support is preferable).
Overall, an insightful and helpful book. Probably has value for everyone to some degree. Even to become mindful of what it is to connect with children in a way that supports their healthy development.
July 16, 2013
In simple language this book describes how a mother who is disengaged, emotionally absent or emotionally detached can cause specific deficiencies in her children. Author Jasmin Cori describes exactly what a good mother does and what a disengaged mother does and how it makes the child feel. She also describes methods of therapy and states that there are three choices for healing 1. find a surrogate mother, 2. get professional therapy, 3. learn to mother yourself. I found that this book was the most helpful of all the books I read on the subject.
Favorite Quotes from the book:
Not feeling safe, on the other hand, is the setup for anxiety to take hold. ... It comes from feeling alone and unsupported in situations we can’t handle by ourselves and from being in relationships with unavailable or unresponsive caregivers.
p. 64
If a family claims you as their own but you don’t really feel that they know you are see you for who you are, you’ll feel like an outsider within your own family.
p. 67
Receiving passive love can be deeply healing for undermothered women, who had to be so active in trying to earn love. - Soonja Kim
quoted on p. 136
Favorite Quotes from the book:
Not feeling safe, on the other hand, is the setup for anxiety to take hold. ... It comes from feeling alone and unsupported in situations we can’t handle by ourselves and from being in relationships with unavailable or unresponsive caregivers.
p. 64
If a family claims you as their own but you don’t really feel that they know you are see you for who you are, you’ll feel like an outsider within your own family.
p. 67
Receiving passive love can be deeply healing for undermothered women, who had to be so active in trying to earn love. - Soonja Kim
quoted on p. 136
December 14, 2022
I come from a country with the highest suicide rate in Europe*. It’s rare to meet someone from here who can say they had their emotional needs met growing up. Many of us do not even realise we had such needs. After all, if I was clothed, fed, had a roof over my head, can I really complain?
Considering the historical and cultural context, it makes sense. Our parents had to live in the chaos of the Soviet Union’s collapse. Their parents had to survive impoverished communism. The list could go on and on. We cannot expect people to be tuned with deep emotions when they aren’t sure they will make it next month.
Eventually, someone has to break that generational curse. If our parents haven’t, it may have to be us. This book helps us understand what needs we had as children and whether our parents were “good enough” not to leave us with a hole inside our hearts.
I’d recommend it to everyone.
“Yes, you got enough mothering to survive, but not enough for the kind of foundation that supports healthy self-confidence, initiative, resilience, trust, healthy entitlement, self-esteem, and the many other qualities we need to thrive in this challenging world.”
*Suicide rate in Lithuania:
https://www.theglobaleconomy.com/rank...
https://worldpopulationreview.com/cou...
Considering the historical and cultural context, it makes sense. Our parents had to live in the chaos of the Soviet Union’s collapse. Their parents had to survive impoverished communism. The list could go on and on. We cannot expect people to be tuned with deep emotions when they aren’t sure they will make it next month.
Eventually, someone has to break that generational curse. If our parents haven’t, it may have to be us. This book helps us understand what needs we had as children and whether our parents were “good enough” not to leave us with a hole inside our hearts.
I’d recommend it to everyone.
“Yes, you got enough mothering to survive, but not enough for the kind of foundation that supports healthy self-confidence, initiative, resilience, trust, healthy entitlement, self-esteem, and the many other qualities we need to thrive in this challenging world.”
*Suicide rate in Lithuania:
https://www.theglobaleconomy.com/rank...
https://worldpopulationreview.com/cou...
Want to read
November 4, 2019I read a part of this and am now having to say I am not ready for this book yet. It is extremely deep for me and I'm not at the stage where this will be helpful. One day I hope to be, but not for a long time yet. Still too much therapy to be had.
June 21, 2017
Healing!
There were times when this book was tough to get through because of the strong emotions that are brought to the surface, but it was also comforting to know that others had experienced similar issues with difficult mothers. It is true that children of abusive mothers can be good at parenting despite the bad example they grew up with as I experienced flashbacks of traumatic moments from my own childhood while doing the most basic tasks for my beloved child and vowed never to treat my offspring in such an abusive manner.
There were times when this book was tough to get through because of the strong emotions that are brought to the surface, but it was also comforting to know that others had experienced similar issues with difficult mothers. It is true that children of abusive mothers can be good at parenting despite the bad example they grew up with as I experienced flashbacks of traumatic moments from my own childhood while doing the most basic tasks for my beloved child and vowed never to treat my offspring in such an abusive manner.
March 19, 2019
Essential reading for anyone feeling like they've been under mothered, incredibly informative and gentle.
May 6, 2024
“We let go of the past when we’re done with it. When we’re completely. It’s that simple. (pg 156)
It’s safe to say, this book has completely changed the trajectory of my healing life, I have consumed my fair share of self help, trauma recovery & parental trauma books. They all shared the same overall perspective and healing steps. This was drastically different and so much more helpful.
“It’s okay to be angry, even if what was done to you was unintentional. In fact, you have to be angry if you want to heal your wounded inner child. ” (pg 150)
Cori completely understands the nuanced dynamics between a neglectful and emotionally unavailable mother and her child. The many different ways neglect can affect someone well into adulthood and how to parent and love yourself. Those voices inside your head always saying horrible things? This will help to start the process of silencing them. Filled with exercises and writing tasks to help reflect and properly approach each chapter I found this extremely valuable. I ended up slowly working my way through this so I could properly express and understand what I was reading and feeling without getting overwhelmed.
“Narcissistic mothers are confusing, because unlike the most emotionally shut-down mothers, they can be caring and supportive when they’re not threatened and especially when children are young” (pg 132)
I highly recommend this to anyone that has fragmented parent relationships and can resonate to the above extracts. This is a valuable source.
It’s safe to say, this book has completely changed the trajectory of my healing life, I have consumed my fair share of self help, trauma recovery & parental trauma books. They all shared the same overall perspective and healing steps. This was drastically different and so much more helpful.
“It’s okay to be angry, even if what was done to you was unintentional. In fact, you have to be angry if you want to heal your wounded inner child. ” (pg 150)
Cori completely understands the nuanced dynamics between a neglectful and emotionally unavailable mother and her child. The many different ways neglect can affect someone well into adulthood and how to parent and love yourself. Those voices inside your head always saying horrible things? This will help to start the process of silencing them. Filled with exercises and writing tasks to help reflect and properly approach each chapter I found this extremely valuable. I ended up slowly working my way through this so I could properly express and understand what I was reading and feeling without getting overwhelmed.
“Narcissistic mothers are confusing, because unlike the most emotionally shut-down mothers, they can be caring and supportive when they’re not threatened and especially when children are young” (pg 132)
I highly recommend this to anyone that has fragmented parent relationships and can resonate to the above extracts. This is a valuable source.
December 30, 2019
Overall, this book was informative & helpful. If you are the product of an emotionally immature parent, a parent with mental issues or addiction or a parent that is a narcissist, this book is helpful for explaining so many things. It will also assure you that you aren't crazy for the feelings, issues & reservations you have.
My only gripe with this book is the "mothering yourself" bit. I can learn to cope with what is missing, even possibly get past it but I can't do for myself what an abusive parent did not do for me. There is a reason we need professionals & unfortunately, even some of them don't get it due to their own experience & what is versus what isn't acceptable in a given culture. To me, it crosses the line into magical thinking & seems to omitting the fact that if you have such a parent, and they are unapologetic, as I suspect most abusive parents are, that is a hard fact you have to learn to live. Some things require making amends & I do believe emotional & mental abuse & manipulation require that & it is unlikely to be forthcoming. The injured party can't do for themselves what the parent was supposed to do. They may be able to get it from other sources but to do the job itself, doesn't make sense at all. Most realize they are ill equipped to be parent to a child, so it doesn't follow that they'd be able to act as their own surrogate mother emotionally speaking. Perhaps you can learn to let go, and that is to an extent what some solutions seem to suggest but in tandem with mothering yourself, it seems to be a "shut up & get over it" so you can basically act normal, especially in a family where the abuser is still around & active & doesn't address the problem. I don't know how popular this idea is but it seems very faulty & unhelpful.
It did partially redeem itself in the last chapter with a few paragraphs about forgiveness. The important take away was how people are uncomfortable with the pain of others & push forgiveness for their own comfort & that it is essentially insensitive & bullshit. I'm thankful that someone can at least acknowledge that in a world where others seem to believe the opposite. Forgiveness only means something if the other person is actually sorry & wants to make amends, anything else is lying to yourself or asking others to lie to themselves.
Most of the book is informative & eye opening but that "mothering yourself" concept either needs to be thoroughly explained or it needs to go in the dust bin.
My only gripe with this book is the "mothering yourself" bit. I can learn to cope with what is missing, even possibly get past it but I can't do for myself what an abusive parent did not do for me. There is a reason we need professionals & unfortunately, even some of them don't get it due to their own experience & what is versus what isn't acceptable in a given culture. To me, it crosses the line into magical thinking & seems to omitting the fact that if you have such a parent, and they are unapologetic, as I suspect most abusive parents are, that is a hard fact you have to learn to live. Some things require making amends & I do believe emotional & mental abuse & manipulation require that & it is unlikely to be forthcoming. The injured party can't do for themselves what the parent was supposed to do. They may be able to get it from other sources but to do the job itself, doesn't make sense at all. Most realize they are ill equipped to be parent to a child, so it doesn't follow that they'd be able to act as their own surrogate mother emotionally speaking. Perhaps you can learn to let go, and that is to an extent what some solutions seem to suggest but in tandem with mothering yourself, it seems to be a "shut up & get over it" so you can basically act normal, especially in a family where the abuser is still around & active & doesn't address the problem. I don't know how popular this idea is but it seems very faulty & unhelpful.
It did partially redeem itself in the last chapter with a few paragraphs about forgiveness. The important take away was how people are uncomfortable with the pain of others & push forgiveness for their own comfort & that it is essentially insensitive & bullshit. I'm thankful that someone can at least acknowledge that in a world where others seem to believe the opposite. Forgiveness only means something if the other person is actually sorry & wants to make amends, anything else is lying to yourself or asking others to lie to themselves.
Most of the book is informative & eye opening but that "mothering yourself" concept either needs to be thoroughly explained or it needs to go in the dust bin.
May 19, 2021
کتاب مادری که کم داشتم:
در ابتدای کتاب که نقاط ضعف شخصیت، وابسته به رفتار های والدین رو می گفت خیلی جذاب بود و کاملا قابل درک بود، در فصل های بعدی روش مقابله با نقاط ضعف روهم از طریق درمانگر و هم از طریق خود فرد بیان می کنه.
غالب کتاب رو دوست داشتم
هرچند یک جاهاییش برام گنگ بود
بهتر بود اسم کتاب «والدی که کم داشتم» باشه، چون نقش هر دو والد در اختلالاتی که در آینده کودک ایجاد میشه مهم هست
کتاب هم برای فرزندانی که در کنار چنین والدینی بزرگ شدند مفیده و هم برای کسانی که می خواهند والد شوند. اینکه بفهمند دلبستگی ایمن که شامل مواردی همچون بروز احساسات، پذیرش احساسات کودک، پاسخ گویی به کودک، القا حس دیده شدن به کودک میشه، چه قدر در آینده کودک تاثیرگذار است.
اینکه بعضی از ما به سختی می تونیم به دیگران وابسته شیم یا نیازمون رو بهشون بیان کنیم، و یا اینکه برعکس شخصیت وابسته ای داریم که به سختی میتونیم از دیگران دل بکنیم در گرو همین دلبستگی ایم��ی هست که در زندگی کم داشتیم.
در ابتدای کتاب که نقاط ضعف شخصیت، وابسته به رفتار های والدین رو می گفت خیلی جذاب بود و کاملا قابل درک بود، در فصل های بعدی روش مقابله با نقاط ضعف روهم از طریق درمانگر و هم از طریق خود فرد بیان می کنه.
غالب کتاب رو دوست داشتم
هرچند یک جاهاییش برام گنگ بود
بهتر بود اسم کتاب «والدی که کم داشتم» باشه، چون نقش هر دو والد در اختلالاتی که در آینده کودک ایجاد میشه مهم هست
کتاب هم برای فرزندانی که در کنار چنین والدینی بزرگ شدند مفیده و هم برای کسانی که می خواهند والد شوند. اینکه بفهمند دلبستگی ایمن که شامل مواردی همچون بروز احساسات، پذیرش احساسات کودک، پاسخ گویی به کودک، القا حس دیده شدن به کودک میشه، چه قدر در آینده کودک تاثیرگذار است.
اینکه بعضی از ما به سختی می تونیم به دیگران وابسته شیم یا نیازمون رو بهشون بیان کنیم، و یا اینکه برعکس شخصیت وابسته ای داریم که به سختی میتونیم از دیگران دل بکنیم در گرو همین دلبستگی ایم��ی هست که در زندگی کم داشتیم.
June 10, 2022
فوقالعاده بود. دیدگاه متفاوت و موثر و در عین حال علمی و
علمیش خیلی کمکم کرد
کاش می شد به بعضی کتابا بیشتر از ۵ ستاره داد
اگر می خونیدش، کتاب بدن هرگز دروغ نمی گوید رو هم بخونید مکمل همن😊
علمیش خیلی کمکم کرد
کاش می شد به بعضی کتابا بیشتر از ۵ ستاره داد
اگر می خونیدش، کتاب بدن هرگز دروغ نمی گوید رو هم بخونید مکمل همن😊
November 21, 2012
This book gave me alot of insight to why I behave and react to certain situations. I can now be more aware and try to change and be a better parent to my children than my mother was to me. I feel this is a book that could help those who are struggling with inner turmoil. I don't feel it helped me repair my past relationship with my mother as much as it made me want to BE a better mother to my own children.
June 5, 2025
با اینکه با موضوع جدیدی مواجه نشدم و از قبل خونده بودم درموردش، سالها با متخصص آهسته و پیوسته روش کار کردیم که بیشتر شخصیت ما تو بچگی و بهخصوص تحت تاثیر شخصیت و رفتارهای مادر شکل گرفته؛ بازم برام کتاب جذاب، کارا و دلچسبی بود. لذت بردم از خوندنش و یه نسخه دیگه ازش خریدم که هدیه بدم..
البته که یه جاها، روانم نمیکشید و میذاشتمش کنار :) (تو مقدمه هم همچین توصیهای کرده) و بخاطر همین خوندنش علیرغم حجم کمش، طول کشید.
البته که یه جاها، روانم نمیکشید و میذاشتمش کنار :) (تو مقدمه هم همچین توصیهای کرده) و بخاطر همین خوندنش علیرغم حجم کمش، طول کشید.
June 28, 2023
بخش مادر مرزی برایم مثل این بود که نویسنده نوک تیز قلمش را روی قلبم فشار میدهد و مینویسد اما در مجموع کتاب برایم بیشتر این طنین را داشت که "مادری که کم نداشتم!" یعنی فهمیدم علیرغم چالش های زیادی که با مادرم دارم اما اینها ربطی به دوره کودکی من ندارد. برای هر کسی که این کتاب را بخواند یکی از این دو طنین را خواهد داشت چون نویسنده کتاب را بیشتر برای کسانی نوشته که واقعا دارای "کمبود مادری" هستند.
به هر حال جز این افراد، بسیار کتاب خوبی است برای هر کسی که مادر است و میخواهد مادر بشود. فقط یک نکته باقی می ماند: خواندن هر کتاب روانشناسی معمولا این حس را در ما پدید می آورد که "مطلوب بودن خیلی سخت است" و این کتاب هم ممکن است چنین حسی ایجاد کند. ممکن است هر مادری دچار عذاب وجدان بشود و گمان کند در حق کودکش کوتاهی کرده است. چرا این اتفاق می افتد؟ به نظرم علتش "جبرگرایی" است. جبرگرایی روانشناختی (که این کتاب هم از آن مبری نیست) یعنی این اعتقاد که اگر فردی کمبود الف را در کودکی داشت ناگزیر در بزرگسالی اختلال ب را خواهدداشت. این رویکرد جدا از اینکه نمیتواند درمورد همه افراد صدق کند، به جنگ اراده هم میرود، پس به ضرر درمان هم هست.
به هر حال جز این افراد، بسیار کتاب خوبی است برای هر کسی که مادر است و میخواهد مادر بشود. فقط یک نکته باقی می ماند: خواندن هر کتاب روانشناسی معمولا این حس را در ما پدید می آورد که "مطلوب بودن خیلی سخت است" و این کتاب هم ممکن است چنین حسی ایجاد کند. ممکن است هر مادری دچار عذاب وجدان بشود و گمان کند در حق کودکش کوتاهی کرده است. چرا این اتفاق می افتد؟ به نظرم علتش "جبرگرایی" است. جبرگرایی روانشناختی (که این کتاب هم از آن مبری نیست) یعنی این اعتقاد که اگر فردی کمبود الف را در کودکی داشت ناگزیر در بزرگسالی اختلال ب را خواهدداشت. این رویکرد جدا از اینکه نمیتواند درمورد همه افراد صدق کند، به جنگ اراده هم میرود، پس به ضرر درمان هم هست.
March 30, 2012
Extremely well written book on the effects of being raised by an emotionally absent mother. While some of the healing exercises seemed cheesy the list of common feelings of under-mothered children blew my mind.
May 31, 2022
اگه بهعنوان منابع اولیه تو این زمینه میخواید بخونید، عالیه؛ اما اگه خیلی درباره ریشهیابی مشکلاتتون و شباهت به والدین و تأثیرشون رو رفتارهاتون و از این دست موضوعات، شنیدید، خوندید و بهش فکر کردید، بهنظر من این کتاب فقط تکرار مکرراته.
December 11, 2025
4.5 🌟 “There's still a wound, but it doesn't run my life. It doesn't define who I am.”
It took me 5 long months to get through this read, but my inner child and the mother I am striving to become is better for it. This is indeed one of my heaviest annotated books to date, and I will still need to give it a reread or go back to it in order to complete some of the exercises that I feel will further benefit me around my healing journey. I definitely learn so much about myself and the mother wound I carry, which is the first step to figuring out how to heal it!
“It's never too late to have a happy childhood.”
It took me 5 long months to get through this read, but my inner child and the mother I am striving to become is better for it. This is indeed one of my heaviest annotated books to date, and I will still need to give it a reread or go back to it in order to complete some of the exercises that I feel will further benefit me around my healing journey. I definitely learn so much about myself and the mother wound I carry, which is the first step to figuring out how to heal it!
“It's never too late to have a happy childhood.”
July 8, 2021
Profoundly validating book for those who have been unmothered. Also, extraordinarily hard to plow through. Just so much information on the experience of being unmothered, the results, some gentle suggestions to begin healing.
Just getting through Chapter 1. Mothering and Chapter 2. The Many Faces of the Good Mother, was like a stake to the heart.
Dr. Christopher Germer, a Mindful Self Compassion teacher, talks about when you feel all the ways you have been unloved, it can cause a backdraft in your somatic (bodily) experience. Backdraft is a firefighting term. When a room on fire suddenly has a door opened and a rush of oxygen comes in, it causes a hot flash of fire to combust and explode in the space. When our bodies feel deep unconditional love, it can cause a backdraft of pain that floods our bodies.
Chapter 1 & 2 were a continual somatic backdraft.
Healthy caregivers (mothers) are:
Source
Place of Attachment
First Responder
Modulator
Nurturer
Mirror
Cheerleader
Mentor
Protector
Home Base
Dr. Donald Winnicot has research that shows caregivers only have to be 'good-enough' and that children actually benefit from imperfect parenting. It's not a perfect parent a child needs, just one who can make repair.
Sadly, emotionally absent mothers do not do repair.
Just getting through Chapter 1. Mothering and Chapter 2. The Many Faces of the Good Mother, was like a stake to the heart.
Dr. Christopher Germer, a Mindful Self Compassion teacher, talks about when you feel all the ways you have been unloved, it can cause a backdraft in your somatic (bodily) experience. Backdraft is a firefighting term. When a room on fire suddenly has a door opened and a rush of oxygen comes in, it causes a hot flash of fire to combust and explode in the space. When our bodies feel deep unconditional love, it can cause a backdraft of pain that floods our bodies.
Chapter 1 & 2 were a continual somatic backdraft.
Healthy caregivers (mothers) are:
Source
Place of Attachment
First Responder
Modulator
Nurturer
Mirror
Cheerleader
Mentor
Protector
Home Base
Dr. Donald Winnicot has research that shows caregivers only have to be 'good-enough' and that children actually benefit from imperfect parenting. It's not a perfect parent a child needs, just one who can make repair.
Sadly, emotionally absent mothers do not do repair.
May 21, 2019
The book gives valuable validation for inner experiences and I believe it could help the reader understand what he/she is going through. The text shows compassion and perceptiveness on the part of the author which I appreciate.
However, the scientific backing of the claims is lacking. The proposed healing strategies also seemed a bit impotent and generic. Nonetheless, some valuable ideas for a recovery plan can be gleaned from the text.
However, the scientific backing of the claims is lacking. The proposed healing strategies also seemed a bit impotent and generic. Nonetheless, some valuable ideas for a recovery plan can be gleaned from the text.
July 7, 2023
خواندن دو فصل ابتدایی این کتاب یکی از غیرمنتظرهترین تجربههای من نه فقط در زمان مطالعهی یک متن بلکه در مواجه با احساسات و عواطف و هیجاناتام بود. به همین خاطر هم ناگزیر شدم خلاف عادت همیشگیام که تقریباً در هر شرایطی، به جز نشستن در ماشین در حال حرکت، کتاب میخوانم، برای خواندن بخشهای ابتدایی این کتاب میزانسهای بهخصوصی را فراهم کنم تا بتوانم عواطف را مدیریت کنم.
از طرف دیگر، برای من، خواندنش نزدیکترین تجربه به تراپی و گفتگودرمانی بود. همانقدر صادق، تکاندهنده و در نهایت ناظر به شکلی از گشایش که البته مستلزم صبر و حوصله و استمرار است.
اگرچه نمیشود نسخهی عمومی پیچید و کمکی هم نمیکند، بدون اغراق میتوانم بگویم همهی آدمهایی که از نزدیک میشناسم و اغلب افرادی که کمی بیشتر از سلام و علیک باهم تعامل داشتیم، به شکلی از آسیبهایی که در این کتاب به آنها اشاره میشود، رنج بردهاند یا میبرند. به همین دلیل هم این کتاب از آن دسته کتابهاییست که میشود به همه پیشنهاد کرد برای خواندنش وقت بگذارند و احتمالاً از وقتی که گذاشتهاند پشیمان نخواهند شد.
ترجمه با طمأنینه و تمیز انجام شده و نه فقط معادلها با دقت انتخاب شدهاند، بلکه پانویسها که تعدادشان به اندازه است، در اغلب موارد به فهم بهتر متن که طبعاً مملو از ارجاعات به ادبیات رواندرمانیست، کمک میکند.
از طرف دیگر، برای من، خواندنش نزدیکترین تجربه به تراپی و گفتگودرمانی بود. همانقدر صادق، تکاندهنده و در نهایت ناظر به شکلی از گشایش که البته مستلزم صبر و حوصله و استمرار است.
اگرچه نمیشود نسخهی عمومی پیچید و کمکی هم نمیکند، بدون اغراق میتوانم بگویم همهی آدمهایی که از نزدیک میشناسم و اغلب افرادی که کمی بیشتر از سلام و علیک باهم تعامل داشتیم، به شکلی از آسیبهایی که در این کتاب به آنها اشاره میشود، رنج بردهاند یا میبرند. به همین دلیل هم این کتاب از آن دسته کتابهاییست که میشود به همه پیشنهاد کرد برای خواندنش وقت بگذارند و احتمالاً از وقتی که گذاشتهاند پشیمان نخواهند شد.
ترجمه با طمأنینه و تمیز انجام شده و نه فقط معادلها با دقت انتخاب شدهاند، بلکه پانویسها که تعدادشان به اندازه است، در اغلب موارد به فهم بهتر متن که طبعاً مملو از ارجاعات به ادبیات رواندرمانیست، کمک میکند.
April 13, 2019
Read through my library copy once quickly to decide whether I wanted to buy it, and ended up buying it before I was even finished reading. This book made me feel encouraged and empowered to continue healing. Gave many concrete and useful strategies for healing.
June 18, 2019
Worth like a year's therapy! Haven't done the exercises included, and there are a lot, but all the topics (except one chapter mostly addressed to psychologists) were enlightening. If you are a mom or an adult who has issues with his/her mom, READ IT.
June 6, 2023
Mi-a plăcut foarte mult cum e scrisă cartea: clar și pe înțelesul meu, chiar dacă se folosesc în text și cuvinte specifice psihoterapiei (însă dacă nu ești la prima lectură de acest fel, nu e greu de înțeles, dimpotrivă, mai afli lucruri noi)
O carte utilă pentru mine: am descoperit alte perspective despre relația mea cu mama, câte roluri poate avea o mamă și ce efecte au neglijările emoțioanale asupra oricărui copil de pe lumea asta, dacă o mamă nu a fost disponibilă emoțioanal pentru copilul ei.
Niciodată până acum nu m-am gândit că o altă persoană din viața mea, fie prieten, unchi sau mătușă, poate înlocui cu succes un moment de afecțiune de care am nevoie, DAR, e nevoie ca această persoană să fie anunțată din timp despre aceste momente și cel mai important, să fie disponibilă, să știe că tu te vei adresa la ea cu o astfel de nevoie, nu să facă mișto sau să te creadă smintită, deci, nu te duci la prima persoană pe care o crezi tu disponibilă în acel moment.
Suntem în perioada în care avem acces la foarte multă informație care să ne ajute pe noi (adică să devenim mai informați) sau să-i înțelegem mai bine pe alții (e ușor și confortabil să ne facem noi singuri poveștile, dar recomandat este să afli povestea din spatele comportamentului, apoi să decizi ce e de făcut mai departe)
Revelatoare și eliberatoare lectură a fost pentru mine. Vă îndemn să o citiți și voi.
O carte utilă pentru mine: am descoperit alte perspective despre relația mea cu mama, câte roluri poate avea o mamă și ce efecte au neglijările emoțioanale asupra oricărui copil de pe lumea asta, dacă o mamă nu a fost disponibilă emoțioanal pentru copilul ei.
Niciodată până acum nu m-am gândit că o altă persoană din viața mea, fie prieten, unchi sau mătușă, poate înlocui cu succes un moment de afecțiune de care am nevoie, DAR, e nevoie ca această persoană să fie anunțată din timp despre aceste momente și cel mai important, să fie disponibilă, să știe că tu te vei adresa la ea cu o astfel de nevoie, nu să facă mișto sau să te creadă smintită, deci, nu te duci la prima persoană pe care o crezi tu disponibilă în acel moment.
Suntem în perioada în care avem acces la foarte multă informație care să ne ajute pe noi (adică să devenim mai informați) sau să-i înțelegem mai bine pe alții (e ușor și confortabil să ne facem noi singuri poveștile, dar recomandat este să afli povestea din spatele comportamentului, apoi să decizi ce e de făcut mai departe)
Revelatoare și eliberatoare lectură a fost pentru mine. Vă îndemn să o citiți și voi.
June 30, 2019
“When the mother is not attuned to the child and doesn’t give what a child needs, a child adopts to the needs of the mother and in result creating a false sense of self “
10 basic good message from the mother: 1. I am glad that you are here. (Makes us to be glad to be here, make us being comfortable of taking space being in our bodies)2. I see you (accurate mirroring and attuned responses, knows what we like and what we don’t, what our interests are, how we feel about things). 3. You are special to me. (usually said without words, we feel valued and priced, we are not mixed with external super quality or image)4. I respect you (not controlling the child, accepting child’s uniqueness, preferences and decisions, communicates what she values in the child; when mother does not mirroring herself) 5 I love you (sincere and authentic, important not to be perceived manipulative or requiring something from the child; communicate through touch, tone of voice, body language, attentiveness; boundaries, rules). 6. Your needs are important to me, you can turn to me for help. (shows needs are important, gives permission to turn to her) 7. I am here for you, I will make time for you. communicate you can count on me, make time for you) 8. I will keep you save ( protection) 9. You can rest in me (availability, acceptance, with me you can be at home) 10. I enjoy you, you brighten my heart. (supports child’s presence and inner light, helps to build a sense of value and confidence)
How to manage a feeing of motherless child? Create your own safe home base - to dismiss the feeing is to continue to abandon the inner child**** therefore the key is to respond to that feeling - orphan complex/ orphan archetype- a feeling of have no parents and out of love is painful and often suppressed. Sense of unworthiness May develop and feels the need for support.-> the orphan feels he is an injured one and needs all the care it can possibly get- pattern of dependency develops - clinginess towards whatever and whoever who represents protection and security of the mother. Love hunger, leads to stay in abusive and unsatisfying relationships, cause a feeling of needing is very desperate and it’s hard to leave. No internal reference point of being loved it feels better than nothing. Others go without love rather to go near that wound. This individual finds it hard to move away from any positive attention received.
Healing emotional woods of any kind involves becoming emotionally fluent, able to experience and distinguish vast wave of the emotions without being slaved to any of them. Journal is a great place for anger, especially if therapist is not available and you don’t want to burden your friends. Anger is hard especially it’s especially with hate and we don’t display it around the people and journal can hold them without judgement. Give yourself permission to feel anger, unlearn swallowing the anger. Journal to help un do self censorship. Recognize the anger and have tools to manage it. Be able to control how much is coming through at given moment, use distraction of breathing time out to interior unwanted escalation.
Exploring the anger Exercise:
1. I am angry that ... (focus on your mother) (complete 10 times)
2. Read out all the answers and notice how you feel.
3. Beneath the anger I feel.... (complete 10 times)
4. List the things you haven’t forgave your mother for
10 basic good message from the mother: 1. I am glad that you are here. (Makes us to be glad to be here, make us being comfortable of taking space being in our bodies)2. I see you (accurate mirroring and attuned responses, knows what we like and what we don’t, what our interests are, how we feel about things). 3. You are special to me. (usually said without words, we feel valued and priced, we are not mixed with external super quality or image)4. I respect you (not controlling the child, accepting child’s uniqueness, preferences and decisions, communicates what she values in the child; when mother does not mirroring herself) 5 I love you (sincere and authentic, important not to be perceived manipulative or requiring something from the child; communicate through touch, tone of voice, body language, attentiveness; boundaries, rules). 6. Your needs are important to me, you can turn to me for help. (shows needs are important, gives permission to turn to her) 7. I am here for you, I will make time for you. communicate you can count on me, make time for you) 8. I will keep you save ( protection) 9. You can rest in me (availability, acceptance, with me you can be at home) 10. I enjoy you, you brighten my heart. (supports child’s presence and inner light, helps to build a sense of value and confidence)
How to manage a feeing of motherless child? Create your own safe home base - to dismiss the feeing is to continue to abandon the inner child**** therefore the key is to respond to that feeling - orphan complex/ orphan archetype- a feeling of have no parents and out of love is painful and often suppressed. Sense of unworthiness May develop and feels the need for support.-> the orphan feels he is an injured one and needs all the care it can possibly get- pattern of dependency develops - clinginess towards whatever and whoever who represents protection and security of the mother. Love hunger, leads to stay in abusive and unsatisfying relationships, cause a feeling of needing is very desperate and it’s hard to leave. No internal reference point of being loved it feels better than nothing. Others go without love rather to go near that wound. This individual finds it hard to move away from any positive attention received.
Healing emotional woods of any kind involves becoming emotionally fluent, able to experience and distinguish vast wave of the emotions without being slaved to any of them. Journal is a great place for anger, especially if therapist is not available and you don’t want to burden your friends. Anger is hard especially it’s especially with hate and we don’t display it around the people and journal can hold them without judgement. Give yourself permission to feel anger, unlearn swallowing the anger. Journal to help un do self censorship. Recognize the anger and have tools to manage it. Be able to control how much is coming through at given moment, use distraction of breathing time out to interior unwanted escalation.
Exploring the anger Exercise:
1. I am angry that ... (focus on your mother) (complete 10 times)
2. Read out all the answers and notice how you feel.
3. Beneath the anger I feel.... (complete 10 times)
4. List the things you haven’t forgave your mother for
May 22, 2015
I found this book to be very helpful. Some of the new age-y kind of stuff was a little much for me, like the inner child work and the stuff about mother nature and the good mother archetype, but I can see how it would be helpful for others. I definitely think it is a book that would be more helpful for women because I think it is too feeling based for men in therapy, and it definitely has a female voice. It would be nice to see a book from a man's perspective, as I'm sure that it isn't only just woken who struggle with this. Some of the activities for journaling were very helpful. I have been reading this book in conjunction with counseling, and I would highly recommend that, if the finances are available. Some of the activities would have been really hard without a counselor involved.
January 3, 2016
~I eventually ended up skimreading because so much of the book was dedicated to checklists about what mothers are supposed to do/things emotionally detached mothers fail to do etc etc which was a bit... i'm pretty sure most people who've picked up the book are already aware of most of the ways that their mother has failed as a parent (for me it was pointless at least, and just felt like a kick in the guts)
~Aside from the checklists, the book mainly focuses on attachment theory and the coping mechanisms of being a good mother to your inner child and journalling, nothing new if you have a psychology related background
~Aside from the checklists, the book mainly focuses on attachment theory and the coping mechanisms of being a good mother to your inner child and journalling, nothing new if you have a psychology related background
June 17, 2015
Excellent book although the early chapters were very confrontational for me and as a result, very painful. In combination with intensive therapy, this book is incredibly helpful. There are links for further reading and further personal development so you are not just left at the end wondering what next? I highly recommend this book to anyone who has had a difficult and painful childhood particularly those who have borderline personality disorder like myself
Currently reading
December 3, 2012I work with neglected children and see first hand how these attachment issues play out in the course of a child's life time.
June 14, 2021
What an important, and potentially difficult book to digest. You might see yourself in it. You might cry while reading it. You might feel hurt (because you have been hurt). On the bright side, you are also likely to find ways to heal yourself and help heal others.
I sincerely hope this book finds more readers who need it. Recommended for everyone, especially for young parents.
I sincerely hope this book finds more readers who need it. Recommended for everyone, especially for young parents.
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