F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Michael I. Bennett, Sarah Bennett

From the brilliant New York Times bestselling authors of the “refreshingly blunt” (Harper’s Bazaar) F*ck Feelings—this seriously irreverent roadmap reveals the essentials to look for when you're done being suckered by the promise of true love and want help seeking a real, lasting relationship.

Many people have opinions on the subject of romantic relationships—why they’re so hard to find, so difficult to maintain, so easily analogized to planets and pets—but the real source of trouble isn’t too it’s that we are choosing our partners based on love, excitement, lust, attraction, neediness…on feelings.

Instead of helping readers find true love (also known as “total bullshit”), Dr. Michael Bennett and his comedy-writing daughter Sarah reveal the practical, commonsense criteria for good partnerships that will allow real love to develop, even after the romance has died down or been buried completely. Finding a good partner involves losing preconceived notions about who your dream date might be, so the Bennetts helpfully appraise the pros and cons of eight traits people most commonly charisma, beauty, chemistry, communication, sense of humor, family stability, intelligence, and wealth. They suggest you’ll have better luck finding a partner in a bar, online, or on a date arranged by your chiropractor if you focus on ideas like mutual attraction and respect and common interests and common goals. With helpful quizzes, case studies inspired by Dr. Bennett’s practice, and unscientific flow charts, F*ck Love is packed with enough advice and wisdom to help you avoid the relationship nightmares that led you to this book in the first place.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Psychology, Audiobook, Sexuality, Personal Development

264 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 31, 2017

About the author

Dr. Michael I. Bennett, educated at both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, is a board-certified psychiatrist, Canadian, and Red Sox fan. While he’s worked in every aspect of his field, from hospital administration to managed care, his major interest is his private practice that he’s been running for almost thirty years. The author of F*ck Feelings, with his daughter Sarah Bennett, he lives with his wife in Boston and New Hampshire.

(source: Amazon)

Reviews

[Alexandra · Rating 1 out of 5]

I mean, damn. I have not wanted my time back so much from a book in a long time.

TLDR: stop settling or looking for someone exciting instead of using your head to figure out what you need in a life-partner and then actively seeking that - feelings not stopping you.

but don't read unless you want hours of shitty jokes that actually just make fun of eating disorders, depression, geek tropes, and the kind of stories in cosmo. Oh and quizzes with answer options that are so off the deep end you wonder who the hell is reading this book.

Sure - some tips in this book are good advice/ counsel. But if you're an adult with any kind of self-awareness and experience having any kind of interaction with another human you should know those tidbits already.

So I'm confused about the audience. If it's people who really know nothing about interacting and are generally that bad at figuring things out maybe you shouldn't write a book with a profane title and snide remarks reinforcing harmful tropes about people. If you want to do the latter maybe it should have some more well-landing good jokes and some cited, numeric research for your new snide snobby crowd.

0/10 would not read knowing what I do now or recommend to anybody I know.

[Allison · Rating 1 out of 5]

Yuck. I thought this would be more like It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy with a combination of wit and humanism with some good advice thrown it. This was not that. This book is flippant, materialistic, superficial and mainly Yuck. I wouldn't want to be the person they write about, either the good or bad versions.

[Stephanie Thoma · Rating 3 out of 5]

Recommended by a friend, it's as no-nonsense as it gets, and does a solid job illustrating how to not get caught up in unhealthy dating patterns. Not as useful as other relationship books I've read, but it's funny!

In this book, you'll be instructed to f*ck:
1. charisma (if not backed-up by the ability to maintain/nurture in-depth relationships)
2. chemistry (fades anyway, so f*ck it)
3. beauty (is there a soul in that beautiful body? do you even care? important.)
4. communication (is this person just a good communicator, or authentically connecting with YOU?)
5. sense of humor (can they have a serious conversation? do they have their sh*t together?)
6. good family (it's how they deal w/ the fam that counts)
7. intelligence (there are pressures, expectations & some social disfluencies that can come along w/ it)
8. wealth (don't try to run away or toward it. having a healthy amt. of resources to share just makes sense)

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

I did not finish this book- I couldn’t get past the first couple of pages. I thought this was a relationship book not geared towards any gender. But I found out on the second page that it’s about poor spinster women who are just super clueless about life and relationships. I could tell from the get go that this book wasn’t for me.
I don’t mind books geared towards women; I welcome them! However, this book assumes that it’s readership is female and the narrative voice is patronizing.
Talented and wise Nigerian author Chimamanda Adichie said in her TedTalk and short book “We Should All be Feminists” that marriage is something society grooms girls for but does not do the same for boys. This book, F*ck Love, is sexist in that it assumes women are the ones who are responsible for creating and caring for relationships. I for one want a man who is just as willing and committed to our relationship as I am.

[Lynne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ok, so...I gave this four stars to keep the rating similar to what it currently is because I didn't actually finish it. I skimmed most of the first half and barely even skimmed the rest. The reason? I think I'm too functional to find this useful or funny. It was just a list of things that I already don't rely on when starting relationships of any type or behaviors that make me uncomfortable when I see them in those around me.

I guess folks could find this useful, but I'm just not the right audience.

[Stephanie Sutton · Rating 1 out of 5]

While this book has practical advice on finding a partner, I am giving it one star because it perpetuates the stigma of mental health. In one of the graphs included in this book, there is a block that explains why somebody might behave a certain way. That block says "Technically speaking, she's got borderline personality disorder, which in not-technical term is 'crazy.'" This sort of speech against any mental health diagnosis does not belong anywhere, but it definitely does not belong in any self-help book. This stigmatization by a reputable author is detestable at best.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite the obnoxious cover, this book has solid advice and perspective to finding a mate. The inside structure uses tables, q&a, and real life analyzations on how we view love and marriage. I recommend this book for anyone who is feeling insecure in their search for a life partner or wondering if they have found "the one".

[Jeri Walker · Rating 3 out of 5]

The primary audience for this book is someone who hasn't been married yet and probably wants kids. I am not that person. In any case, the book does go about offering advice on how to form a solid and lasting partnership. Despite the in-your-face title, the level of bluntness and humor struck me as veering toward the milder side. I skipped all of the chapter quizzes, but some readers will inevitably enjoy such things. To me, it's a no-brainer to look for someone who will make a good partner, but we all know feelings can and do get in the way of taking a business-like stance to finding a significant. As someone who thought she'd been a careful spouse shopper only to have him literally disappear, I'm more inclined to heed books that give advice on how to bridge inevitable communication gaps rather than treat relationships like a business.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book presents reasonable content with an unhelpful writing style. I didn't enjoy the humour that was used to present the information in the book. The information was useful and insightful however it was hidden in sarcasm and poorly delivered jokes that made the reader work to identify the take away messages in each chapter.

The chapters can be repetitive, I found the chapters on beauty, humour, family, intelligence, and wealth helpful although the chapters about charisma, chemistry, and communication were basically the same ideas repeated. I liked how the book was clear about the good and bad aspects of each trait; comparing the good and bad about each trait helps with defining them and their limitations. The balanced analysis gives a more complete way of evaluating the worth of each trait.

I found the "profiles" that are described in the book about people who have each trait useless because they encouraged stereotypes that don't really apply in all cultures and in every context within a culture. In fact I think that it promoted unreasonable biases about certain jobs, lifestyles, friend circles, which don't reflect an accurate reality.

I hoped that the book would have given more accurate information about how to deal with certain issues. The attempt that was made to teach the reader about how to deal with issues caused by a partner with certain traits was to present a flow chart. The flow charts in the book intended to help the reader with the decision making process when making big life decision such as having a child but they were a waste of space and a poor attempt at being funny. Instead of flow charts the authours could have listed some real life examples of the important things that ought to be considered when planning ahead. It would have made the observations about the character traits more relateable and helpful in specific contexts.

Overall I felt like the book had some quality content which helps with critically assessing and choosing potential partners and friends but the content was presented in a unhelpful way.

[Dy-an · Rating 1 out of 5]

Despite the fact that I agree with almost everything the author discusses, this book was always on the precipice of sending me into a blind rage (Good thing I was reading The Dance of Anger at the same time). Drawing back the curtain on modern day marriage was too stark for me even though I am perfectly well aware of the realities of it. I gotta go punch a wall.

[Andee Marley · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few interesting thoughts: not to put too much value on charisma, humor, intelligence, beauty or wealth . ..To look for a 'business partner' to co-create a life with. .. Just read a very funny book before this so I have to say I didn't think this humor writing was funny at all,. Sorry,not sorry

[Beebee Pomegranate · Rating 5 out of 5]

hysterical and true

[Parker · Rating 1 out of 5]

I can't believe I fell for the click bait title.

What a terrible book. While the general idea is solid, overall, it just wasn't delivered well. The author's attempt at adding humor to every other sentence, horrible 'cosmo' style quizzes, dropping the f bomb (which doesn't make you cool or edgy), and overall lack of empathy made removed any semblance of good from the book. Not to mention the whole thing could have just been a longer blog post.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was extremely pragmatic, ridiculously humor-filled, and brought to light a lot of valid and wise points to my life when it comes to romance. I thoroughly enjoyed every page while simultaneously benefiting from the sound advice. I highly recommend to everyone.

[Teena · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've never been a believer in "love" as the sole prerequisite for marriage, so this book seemed interesting to me because I felt it was perfectly in line with my way of thinking. Unfortunately, although good, the book falls short on another of my long held beliefs---marriage just doesn't work in the long term.

This book serves to cement my belief that marriage, as a whole, is an outdated social construct that rarely outweighs the test of time in our current culture. Prior to the days of women becoming educated and having the ability to fend for themselves, marriage had a place. Most women were completely motivated by financial constraints to make their marriage "work". Men, having no domestic skills, were also motivated to remain in terrible marriages.

Now that women and men are equals in life, the workplace and social situations and there are no longer stigmas on women and men who have sex outside the confines of marriage, what motivators are there to keep a marriage together (let's not even mention HAPPY) for decades?

Obviously, the dynamic of raising children changes this slightly, but not completely. Children require parental supervision and care for only a mere 18 years---after this time, they are left to fend for themselves. Most marriages can last happily for this amount of time, especially since the distraction of caring for offspring takes focus away from the interpersonal relationship of the couple.

I believe love exists. I believe good relationships can be built, I'm just not sold on the notion that "marriage" and "partnering" are valid. I believe we are trying very hard to maintain marriage as a moral norm of society that no longer makes much sense.

[Ryan Croke · Rating 2 out of 5]

Quite the book this is. The main thesis of the book is that we should be measured about certain attributes of potential partners and it describes, in brash terms, how to truly discover these attributes and what they really mean for our relationships. Sounds great.

Problem is the writing is awful and confusing. The author(s) try to be funny and cheeky but end up not being clear about what is good advice and what is sarcastic or satirical. I assume the goal was to make it "accessible" and that their writing voice would be friendly and not as clinical as these books sometimes are; but the result is a book that is brash, condescending, confusing, wayward, culturally bias, and useless. For example, at the end of each chapter, there are quizzes where you rank your own disposition towards a personality characteristic. The "wrong" results opens you up to an extraordinarily flippant and mean take on who you are and what you should expect out of life. Also, is there any science to back any of this up? It seems like the conclusions are based on one man's anecdotal evidence. As expert as he may be, he is human and suffers from his own biases.

That being said, I think there is actual good advice living in this book. There were nuggets in here that made me reevaluate my own behaviors. I liked that they talked about going against prevailing wisdom when it comes to communication and having a sense of humor. And that it's okay to slow down and to take a more nuanced view of dating and relationships.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title is a bit misleading, though a great marketing tool: the book is decidedly NOT anti-love or anti-relationship. What it IS, though, is anti-pop culture myths, anti-emotional toxicity, and anti-blind loyalty.

The Bennetts do a topic-by-topic examination (Chemistry, Communication, Intelligence, Wealth, and more) of the elements of what we think or know we desire from a romantic partner and a relationship. The chapters are easily read in one or two sittings, and are helpfully broken up by slightly tongue-in-cheek quizzes and sidebars and tables.

Each topic is discussed and examined for what they should bring to each person and what they shouldn't. Much of this is common sense but - as most of us know - common sense and grounded thinking often take flight when we're experiencing strong feelings for someone. Probably the most helpful service the book does is affirm the value of many of these elements while simultaneously challenging the reader to examine if they are overvaluing a certain aspect, or placing the wrong importance on it.

Whether you're single, casually dating, or in a relationship, I recommend the book: it'll either affirm that you're keeping a level, healthy head in your decision making or it'll clearly and helpfully challenge what you're expecting and placing value on.

[Dna · Rating 3 out of 5]

During my years in university, I worked in a large bookstore where the self-help aisle was permanently haunted by lost, wandering souls. It was a running joke on slow nights: the store could be empty, but the self-help aisle was always crammed. I never thought I'd become one of those self-helpers, but I guess one of the inevitable fallouts from growing older and somewhat wiser is that you start looking beyond yourself for answers. I'm a big boy now.

But this book? Interesting, and while I gleaned some good information from it, I don't think it's going to provide definitive answers to the riddles of my life. Still, it was a fun read and I'd recommend it to people looking for insight into their existing relationship (or lack thereof). This book would be especially helpful for someone who has read through the entire self-help aisle and not found what they're looking for. It's the other side of the coin, discouraging the outmoded concept of "love" and instead replacing it with things like stability and invested partnership.

[RealDeadpool,The · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was gonna give it a 3 star rating when I began this book, up until the 5th chapter perhaps.
Then I found myself looking forward to learning from it.
The cosmopolitan-like articles, as this book self-advertises itself to have are actually worthy taking the time.
What most spoke to me is the level of literacy: it's engaging and is generation X and Y friendly without prose or sugar coat on some stuff. E.g.: the truth or total bullshit say it like it is and just brings the whole thing back down to earth, which sometimes, is all we really require at the moment.

Pro tip: books are best read and assimilated at a best possible moment type timing. This one, I took my time with, as a relationships should be taken too.

[Reza Amiri Praramadhan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite its tough, bold title, this book implores us to be more careful and ever vigilant when looking at love. The author asserts that we must look beyond love and the fires it sparks, for in the end what is needed is long, lasting relationship. No-nonsensical, funny, but brutally honest, to the point that I must stop often to ponder through, the content of the book I found sometimes to contradict the title, telling us to fuck everything (love, intelligence, beauty, charisma, etc.) but at the same time to pay closer attention to them. A useful reading, regardless.

[Artem Huletski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Есть юмор и полезные советы, как себя не обманывать. Достоинства часто оборачиваются недостатками. Впрочем, лучше всего на эту тему по-прежнему сказал Роберт Харрисон из "Cotton Mather":

"I have a long history of misreporting the weather due to my natural optimism. I only listen to the part of the forecast I like, and then scramble the rest.

I probably understand the weather better than I do women, and that’s fine by me. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those “can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em” guys. I can live without ’em, don’t want to, and furthermore find them fascinatingly foreign and that’s the thrill of the thing.

At which point the words that should be emblazoned on the eventual tombstone of my life with women flashed through my mind: What Else Don’t I Know?

That was a long time ago. I still have to contend with the same clamoring ego that assailed my thoughts on the walk home that night, though I’m happy to report I’m better at identifying it’s machinations and to holding it in check. What do we really want and need from the other? Companionship? Forgiveness? Acceptance? A witness? Yes! All that. And I’d say for myself – someone with and through whom I can touch the very ground of existence".

[Colin Leath · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an audiobook I half listen to while swimming and running I like this a lot. It has helped me get a better perspective on certain recent relationships which were fun and compelling but didn't work out. And which might have been bad to try to get to work.

Also-- no need to waste your time with a book you don't like. I would have dropped this one early on if it didn't hold my interest and I'm quite skeptical of anything in the self-help relationship genre to hold my interest though I have made effort to get through such notable ones as Atlas of the heart and so on in order to better deal with the previously referenced difficult relationship.

So, yeah, maybe this one has some helpful tips if you're like me and get sucked in by charismatic beautiful people without fully considering what those personality / physical traits mean for both those who have them and those who interact with them.

And I appreciate the humor (and ridiculous questionnaires) for making yet another self help book a lot less tedious, sad (the idea one needs to improve at all can be sad from some perspectives), and boring.

No clue if I'd read this but as an audiobook I'm looking forward to my next opportunity to make progress on it!

[D · Rating 1 out of 5]

As I wrote in another review, a non-fiction self-help sort of book is probably worth it if you get one piece of information or advice out of it. I didn’t even get that with this. It was both too general and too specific, first making vague pronouncements saying not to worry about X quality (such as wealth, beauty, intelligence, etc.) in a partner, but gave no information on how you might avoid this - except when reacting to very specific stories shared in the authors therapy sessions. If those anecdotes didn’t apply to you, you’re out of luck. They also buried their actual thesis in a chart at the end of each chapter, about 1% of the whole book. Focus on shared goals, mutual respect, shared decisions, etc. Overall this was not worth reading and I don’t say that much. I’ll still try their other book because it seems more broadly applicable and better liked, but this was... bad.

Also, read other reviews for issues with terminology around mental illness, body image, and other general stuff making me and others feel bad about myself.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

overall good book with plenty of advice/ things to think about with dating and relationships.

from chapter in intelligence:

“Dating a brain will teach you far more about yourself namely the complex way that intelligence shapes what you have to offer to and gain from others.”

“You learn about it by observing how your partner’s intelligence meshes with your own and affects the way you solve problems together without letting his smarts distract you from evaluating his work ethic, commitment and value.”

listened to the audio. not sure that’s the best for a book like this. i couldn’t see all the chapter titles. it would be good to see the table of contents. i guess Hoopla doesn’t show you chapter breaks?

[Jeremiah · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you want a book that is unabashed in its straightforwardness on how they think relationships should be formed and maintained, this is the book for you. Some of the language is outdated and kind of boomer-ish, if I'm honest. There are references to Asperger's Syndrome (a clinical diagnosis that is no longer used) and it definitely espouses liberal, but not leftist leanings. So, there are dunks on people with MFA's, safe spaces, etc.

It has the potential to be funny, and a lot of the information is good to know. If only it didn't manage to shoot itself in the foot so very often with either unnecessarily harsh "humor" or predictable jokes. We get it. The third item in a list you give is always going to be some outrageously absurd example.

[Katie Salvatore · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was far too long and I would not recommend it to anyone as a guide of any usefulness for finding a lasting relationship. In particular, what was up with the chapter about "good family"? The whole book is filled with stereotypes and has an off-putting tone that I can acknowledge was going for levity and humor but reached a facetiousness that could only have been written by a man who fancies himself clever. The "quizzes" were another exercise in humor, with three options for each question - one on either extreme end of psychopath or doormat, plus the only reasonable, middle option. I listened to this on 2x speed on a long car trip and it was still a waste of time. Pass on this one.

[Tameca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of well-organized super sound advice and insight. Reading it was like having a good friend and therapist at the hip. F*ck Love is also super fun to read on buses and at bus stops. The red cover *seems to say stop when really the reader is gettin' savvy on love and relationship stuff. I dig it, and wish I would have had access to the stuff inside the book's cover a long time ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and malarkey. But who's to say, really. Life and love are so often messy, no matter what you do. Ha! But I digress. Forward!

[Busy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I once read a book called Dating Scene Investigation by Ian Kerner. No offense to him, but that is what this book should have been called. I kept having "a ha!" moments. That's why that funny guy was such a whiny sad sack. That's why the guy who was devoted to his family made me feel like I didn't matter. That's why the professional guy went into debt buying nice things and was constantly talking about his factory working father. The descriptions, when not jokingly containing more stereotypes than a South Park episode, were dead on.

[seth · Rating 2 out of 5]

first let me begin this review by saying i’m gay and i don’t think i’m the main audience for this book, despite the authors’ insistence it’s neutral in that sense. i love reading pop psych books on relationships but i found parts of this one so hard to read since they were badly written, lots of the jokes offensive, and some of the advice weird. i understand the premise and i understand the idea behind it, but there are so many other better books out there that handle this topic in a way catered toward millennials that you can def skip this one and be totally fine.

[Madeline Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good practical advice for those contemplating beneficial life-long commitments. This is not about bashing the idea of love but about not letting love blind you to the reality of deciding what comes next in your life. Thought it was a good read, dad jokes notwithstanding.

My favorite line of this book.
“Don’t get a BFA. Just a piece of general advice to anyone. It would be simpler just to set a pile of money on fire and go straight into a career as a life-long disappointment.”