You Don't Look Adopted

by Anne Heffron

Can writing your story save your life? I should have come with a manual. My parents thought they were getting one thing when they adopted me—a baby of their own—when what they got was a human being with a story of her own. As a child, I traded safety for silence. As an adult, I had no idea who I was, why I quit nearly everything I started, why I struggled with things that came more easily to my friends (jobs, relationships, finances, self-esteem), why I seemed hell-bent on throwing myself away. It got to the point where I didn’t care if telling my story was going to kill I was going to find a way to tell it, because living a life that felt like a lie was unbearable. In order to write this book, I moved away from everything I knew, maxed out my credit cards, borrowed from friends and family, had lots of sex with strangers. Nearly penniless, I was living like a millionaire in the apartment of a fabulously famous writer. I was finally listening to my own voice. I ate cheesecake for dinner and fell in love with the East Village. I broke almost every rule I ran into because I was afraid this kind of freedom couldn’t go on forever. As I wrote, I lived every day as if it were my last. I was in for such a surprise.

Genres: Adoption, Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography

263 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 2, 2016

About the author

Anne Heffron was born in Manhattan in 1964 to a young college student who gave her up for adoption. Fifty-one years later Anne returned to Manhattan to find the roots of her story, the story that began with her birth instead of the story that began "The day we got you." This journey is the subject of "You Don't Look Adopted", an account of the perils and blessings of adoption.

Before turning to memoir, Anne co-wrote the film "Phantom Halo" with her writing partner, Antonia Bogdanovich. "Phantom Halo" was first shown at the 2015 Austin Film Festival and won Best Picture at the 2015 New York International Film Festival. She and Antonia currently have a screenplay, "The Rabbit Will Die" in development.

Reviews

[Jo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm usually on the look out for books that are based on adoption, as I am interested to learn how different birth mothers, adoptive parents and the adoptees have coped with something so significant in their lives. I think I may have mentioned this in another review, but I was adopted, at a rather young age, but unlike Anne Heffron, I have never met my birth mother, who is now in fact, deceased. While I have really never had any interest in my biological father, there was a time, a good few years ago, I was physically aching to know what my birth mother looked like. My curiosity was wild, and it kind of consumed me for a while. But, despite that, I never did make contact with her, even though I knew I could do so. I think I felt like I was committing something terrible against my parents, the parents who had taken care of me my entire life. What made things a harder pill to swallow with me, is that I was my birth mother's third child, and mentally, that made me wonder, why me? Why keep two of your children, and then give up the third? The thing is, that lady could have taken the easy way out, but she didn't, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Within these pages, Heffron explains how her adoption has practically coloured her entire life. It has had a profound effect on relationships, schooling and she thinks about it everyday. As this is a personal memoir, I can pass no judgement on that, but I don't think it has affected my life in a negative way, and even though it crosses my mind rather frequently, it certainly isn't every day. I can agree with Anne, when she is told "On the day we got you" as opposed to "On the day you were born" as that is how my parents began every conversation about my birth. I have no photo's of myself as a newborn baby. I think the first one, was taken when my adoptive parents took over the role from the foster parents I had been placed with.
Heffron had two adopted brothers by the time she was adopted herself, whereas I, was my parents first child.

Apparently, my mother was told there were no babies available at that time for adoption, and that it was usually toddlers that needed a home. Obviously, my Mum and Dad, who were desperate for a child, agreed to take any child that became available for adoption that needed a loving home. A few days later, my Mum received a phone call that changed her life forever. She was going to be bringing ME home.

I feel for Heffron, and the constant struggles she has had with her adoption, as I can certainly understand that it wouldn't be easy for any of the parties involved. I enjoyed reading from someone else's perspective, but I found particular parts of this book difficult, as the layout is all over the place. There are flashbacks everywhere, with no prior warning, and this left me rather flustered. Despite that fact, this was an honest memoir, and I think that anyone who can sit and write about their experiences like this, is one brave being. Thank you Anne Heffron.

[Sara Strand · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm giving this one a solid 4 stars, right out the gate. I'm not adopted but I was able to finally "get it". I never used to get it when people had a disconnect and never felt part of something because of their adoption, or maybe they just don't know one of their parents, because I have few memories of my dad. He didn't want us, he couldn't contribute, he was an alcoholic and that was more important. I eventually gained a step dad but I never felt like I was missing out, like a part of me is unfulfilled. But after reading Anne's book I get it.



I've not been shy about my struggles this last year and being suicidal but I never had a good statement to wave and say, THIS! This is how I feel. In Anne's book early on there is a line,



"What does valuable even mean? It means worth protecting, worth keeping alive. It means that sometimes I cross the street without looking both ways because I don't care if someone hits me."



THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.



Another line that just called to me was on the next page, I think, and its in relation to her writing this book. She says,



"If you think your voice is dangerous in its ability to hurt the ones you love, you learn to keep it quiet. And then the real trouble starts."



I'm writing a book now and I struggle with writing my truth how I see it versus sparing feelings. I shouldn't spare feelings if it's my personal truth, right?



The entire story, from her childhood to adulthood, the author is able to show us why hers was different, what mistakes she made, what points of her life were maybe impacted by being adopted. It's written honestly and beautifully, your heart strings will be tugged hard. As a mom, I can't imagine what it is like to hand my baby over. I think when we look at certain issues we only see one facet of it, we don't look at the full circle. People often say that love can fix anything but that's not really true. This book highlights how that can be the case. Even the best of parents can't fix all of the broken pieces, fill all of the holes. I have no connection to adoption myself but I really felt the impact as if this was written for me. I love this author's voice so much, it makes it an easy read.



If you, or someone you know, is adopted this would be an excellent book for them. Maybe a great read for a newly adoptive parent, so you avoid the pitfalls of screwing your kid up more? HA! But truly, this book is so well written, it's going to be one I hold near and dear for a long while.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing, important, powerful, impactful, funny, painful, vulnerable, open, honest and absolutely perfect.

I'm an adoptive father of two wonderful boys. Like most people we saw adoption as a miracle, a perfect solution to challenges life threw at people. Never did I consider there could be ill effects, downsides, challenges for my boys, issues of attachment. What could happen that I couldn't love away?

A lot, apparently.

This book, through its brilliantly written style, is a vital read for anyone within the adoption triad. It speaks so much to the potential issues and challenges that could be prevalent without our knowing.

My adolescent boy is going though some changes, becoming withdrawn, angry, defiant, challenging. Before this book, I casually passed it off as hormones, the pains of puberty. But what if it's more? In reading Anne's story I am much more aware of the potential for other issues. Like Anne's mother, my boys mother is not open to talking about their adoption with them. Now I see the vital importance of opening that dialogue up and giving them a safe place to talk.

This book is not only a crucial read, it is amazingly well written. Anne Heffron has a beautiful cadence about her writing, it flows wonderfully, reads quickly and is perfectly clean. It is funny and poignant, open and honest. It shows her willingness to be completely vulnerable.

Simply put this book is fantastic and I will recommend it to every person I know who speaks to me about adoption.

[Carol Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had really mixed feelings about this book. Anne's story is her story and her experience is hers alone so how I feel about her story is really of no consequence. Maybe I just don't want her to feel like she felt which is kind of a funny thing to feel. Here's my take away. My son is adopted, he is 9. He has two sisters who are 10 and 11 who were adopted (together) by a different family. There are other siblings adopted by other families as well. One we know (he was born after) but don't keep in close contact, the other was born first and we have no idea where he is or what his name is. While I was reading the book my son looked at the title and said "Hey, I'm adopted. What's that book about." I told him what the book was about and how Anne felt about adoption and we talked for awhile. I told him the woman in the book thought about being adopted every day. I asked my son if he thought about it every day. He paused for a minute and then said "no." That weekend his sisters spent three days with us. (He facetimes them a couple times of week and they have sleepovers once a month or so) The girls saw the book and asked what it was about. I told them and then I asked the 11 year old if she thought about being adopted every day. She thought for a minute and then said "yes." I asked her what she thought and she said "about what my life would be like if I had stayed with my first family, or what my life would be like if I was adopted by you or a completely different family." Wow, I had no idea she thought these things. Maybe her therapist knows. Then I asked the 10 year old and she thought for a minute and said "yes, sort of." My son said "say NO!" I said, "it's not a right or wrong question, how she feels is how she feels. Why do you want her to say no." He said, "because I don't think about it." Hmm, so does he really not think about it or does he not want to tell me he thinks about it. Now I have to think about that!
My takeaway it's a good read for adoptive parents because it gives you another person's perspective. It also gave me some topics to bring up that I would have never thought of. We are very open about adoption.

[Gwen Berndt Sojdelius · Rating 4 out of 5]

My journey as an adoptee hasn’t been the same as Anne’s (mine contained more abuse from my adoptive family), and my actions and reactions have been different, too. And yet, there’s a solid core of issues which I recognize and honor in her story. Being adopted is hard. It has consequences for the adoptee, even though it was never something we asked for. Her memoir is definitely worth a read.

I frequently see Anne’s memes regarding adoption and being an adoptee on Facebook, and they’re always very insightful and often funny. I guess I expected her book to be a little funnier - although let’s be honest, there’s not really much funny about the struggles of being separated from your people. Thanks for writing your story, Anne.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the most important things that reading can do is to put the reader into the shoes of another person. For the writer, it can be a cathartic experience, especially when she writes about her own life.



Screenwriter Anne Heffron was adopted at ten weeks of age and writes about how that has colored her entire life in You Don't Look Adopted. She begins her memoir by stating that for most of her life she has felt "both real and not real" because an infant is born "with a sense of self not separate from the mother", and she believes that her "brain took a nosedive in the gap between mothers".



We have always been told that adopted children should feel special because they were chosen by their family. But Heffron states that while that is true, in order to be chosen, you must first be unchosen. Heffron felt that no matter what reason her birth mother gave her up, she still chose to let her go. This thought caused Heffron to believe that there was something seriously wrong with her for her own mother to give her up.



She also wondered what happened to her and her mother in the ten weeks between her birth and her family adopting her. All her life she felt that something was wrong with her, and as a teen she sought out therapists and doctors to help battle with her "depression, eating disorders and inability to stick with jobs, schools and people."



Heffron was adopted by a couple who also adopted two boys. Her mother wanted to prove that she could have it all- take care of her family, run a household, and have a fabulous career. She was a writer, but her dream of writing a great book became the reality of being a stringer for a small town newspaper. Her mother was not a happy woman, and she took some of that unhappiness out on Anne.



Anne did eventually find her birth mother, but she did not want anything to do with Anne, and asked her not to contact her anymore. This led to even more difficulties for Anne.



Relationships were difficult for her. She was married multiple times, and when times were tough, she walked away or pushed others away. Her daughter going away to college completely unmoored her.



Teaching writing in a girls' juvenile hall was an eye-opening experience for Anne, and she told the girls there some of her life story. From that experience, and that of talking to others who were adopted and finding that many of them had similar feelings and experiences as she did, Anne found that "it's the stories we don't tell that keep us in various states of paralysis."



Anne Heffron lets the reader see inside her heart, soul and mind in this heartbreaking and honest memoir. It feels like we are reading her journal, similar to stream-of-consciousness, so it has a bit of an unpolished feel to it. Her story brings attention to a subject I didn't know much about and I'm glad I read it.

[Kate]

I'm not adopted. But I know a lot of people who are. And now, because of Anne Heffron's book, I have a new understanding of the emotional complexities of that experience.

Anne's book is also about this: If there's a story you've always wanted to tell, tell it. If there's a book you've always wanted to write, write it. Don't let shame or societal rules or strictures get in your way. Don't suppress your truth. Do not let yourself be dismissed. One day you will die. Testify.

In the field of memoir, people often pooh-pooh the idea that writing your story is cathartic. I think they don't want to conflate psychotherapy and writing. I get that. At the same time, Anne's book is an excellent example of the catharsis of writing memoir. AND she's a really good writer with a sharp intelligence. Catharsis and a damn good book don't have to be mutually exclusive.

It was beautiful to see how unleashing all she'd been holding back for so many years led her toward self-love. I guess that's what happens when you excavate the shame. Of course, it's all an ongoing journey. We often have to re-remember that at any given moment we have a choice to "say fuck it and throw off the burden and shine."

[Amber Jimerson]

If you follow Anne on social media or have listened to her excellent interviews on Adoptees On, you know the circumstances of this book and judging by some of the reviews, it’s important to know that going in. She’s openly admitted the errors and the whirlwind of writing and publishing this book and I believe she’s said she wouldn’t publish like this again and yet it was absolutely necessary she do it this way for herself.
So the quality aside, what she has to say is insightful. Having dealt with separation and attachment issues, though I’m not adopted, I found myself relating to her actions and fears quite a bit. And what she shares from the conversations with other adoptees or adoptive parents should be beneficial to other adoptive parents or adoptees or birth parents, like myself.
If this book challenged you or scares you, keep going. Don’t stop when this book is over-find more adoptee voices to listen to and see what happens. Anne is not alone in much of what she describes.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anne Heffron tells us it took her 93 days to write her book, but really it took a lifetime and she is to be commended for being able to complete it.

Being an adoptee and trying to write about the experience and the double edged sword of searching, is like choosing solitary confinement as a self help therapy. You go in thinking it would be a good idea and it can't be all that hard just to recount your story and then that being confronted with yourself that isn't your self or is it happens.

Writing is hard. Writing when you are adopted is even harder. If you think your voice is dangerous in its ability to to hurt the ones you love, you learn to keep it quiet. And then the real trouble starts.

It's therapy without the therapist, so most will abandon it, that's something adoptees know a lot about, abandonment.

Heffron's book is a narrative of threads woven together over those 93 days, but it is also a collection of anecdotes and reflections, she allows herself to digress and share experiences that have given her insights, so that can disarm the reader who is looking for a chronological tale.

Every adoptee's experience is different, but there are common elements and sharing the experience and making it available like this is an important resource for other adoptees.

Adopted people aren't much different from people who weren't adopted, they just live with more questions. They are the human experience intensified.

Much of the book is about the relationship with her adoptive mother, the strong bond they shared and the utter frustration and anger she often felt towards her, the shock of realsing that though she was her only daughter, she was a mother to her brothers as well.

MY HERO
A few years earlier my half-brother, whom I had never met, got in his car and drove down from his temporary work site in San Francisco to come meet me. He may as well have come cantering up on a white horse. Having someone claim you is the bomb.

Thoughts on adoption arrive unbidden, so it is understandable that this is a narrative of fragments, and yet put together as they are here, they provide a sense of the whole, not only an incredible achievement, but proof of existence.

[Chris M.H · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think much of what is written in this book is both brave and honest.

It's put together in a non linear way which makes it quite hard to follow, jumping from early to late years frequently but it does work. What I liked most was her honesty about how much adoption can influence relationships with others and especially yourself. Anne doesn't try to hide any of the tough subjects, addressing abandonment, attachment and love issues throughout.

Her fear which she describes several times about being unable to believe that she is valuable and that she's capable of being loved is very relate-able and her discovery that in the end it's less about trying to gain and hold onto love from others but more about being able to find the love in yourself and give it to those who deserve it in your life.

The book doesn't end on a particularly sweet note. There's no ultimate fix or epiphany that renders the whole of her experience worth it, only the grittiness and determination that comes through to face the trauma and impact of grief head on - which will inevitably spur on countless others to do the same.

[Kyczy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book tugged at my heart strings - I immediately collared people I wanted to read sections to. I read some to people at a conference I was attending and whether adopted or not, whether they knew someone who had "given a child up for adoption" or had an adopted sibling; it opened their eyes. It opened mine. It opened my heart. Nothing is a simple as it seems- even the beneficent actions in our lives may have dark consequences. The important things in our lives have no simple solution. Read this and find out why.

[Jodie Yanno · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anne is the real voice of adoptees. This book is a quick read but not for me. She expressed so many feelings about adoption that I could never find the words to express. I used this book as a guide to journal about my own adoption.

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am adopted and reading this made me think. A LOT. I have never felt negative about being adopted, but could relate to the authors feelings on so many levels. We actually have a lot in common in many ways. It was kind of eye opening to read this book. I think she is very brave to tell her story and for that I can’t give less than 5 stars. I would give more if I could.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have pretty much every page dog eared. Very validating to read, at times painful, but overall positive.
Thank you for writing this book.

[Matt Hutson · Rating 4 out of 5]

When people tell their stories in an elegant and creative way like this one it makes for a very fascinating and informative read.

You Don't Look Adopted by Anne Heffron is a memoir about what life is like for an adopted person. Anne argues the fact that adoption for a lot of adoptees is actually a type of trauma. The author felt as though she was always going to be abandoned, in her relationships and even with her own child. Although other adoptees may experience their adoption in a different way, Anne makes a clear point about why she feels the way she feels.

I really got a chance to know Anne from reading her book and I'm glad I did. I got a chance to understand adoption. I got a chance to understand the writing process for this book as she explains a lot about it. The unique aspect about this book is that it is written in a fragmented style because she thought it best represented her brain. At first I didn't like it, but then I understood it about 1/4 the way in.

It's not just a story about her adoption but an inspiring story to tell your own story. Break it up into manageable pieces. It is so much more rewarding when you see the complete picture after riding all the components. Sometimes you just have to jump over that hurdle, and do what you need to do to get your word out there.

Whether you are an adoptee, or you adopted someone, or even if you're not adopted at all, reading Anne's story is enlightening.

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raw, real, and riveting. As an adoptive mom and an adoption social worker, I found Anne's story gripping. I see evidence of the emotions she experienced in the adoptees I know and love. I felt like a friend (mother, social worker) walking each step with her, feeling helpless and wishing I could help her avoid some of the pitfalls or take away her pain. I read most of the story through tears. I cheered at the end as she experiences her personal victories and begins to feel real...and to love herself. I hope and pray that Anne continues on this positive journey and writes more in the future. Her memoir has given me a deeper understanding of the internal workings of an adoptee which hopefully will translate into an ability to love the adoptees in my life better and encourage them toward wholeness. Thank you, Anne, for your courage, perseverance, and hard work. Your memoir will help many adoptees feel understood and make their journey toward healing a bit easier. I should mention that parents may want to read the book before giving it to teens or young adults. Anne uses some language that many people will consider inappropriate and describes behaviors, driven by her brokenness, that is reckless and self destructive. She makes it pretty clear that she is not condoning these things, she is just being real and sharing her story with transparency.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was difficult to read, particularly with the horrible (if any) editing. The author's thoughts are scattered and circular, and the timeline of events is not linear. I don't mind flashbacks but it needs to support the story and not create confusion (which I feel occurred in this book). Despite all this, I think this book is worth a read. I was able to identify with some of her feelings and effects from being adopted. Not every adopted person experiences the same things but I could definitely relate to a few issues and the roller coaster of emotions that can occur. I think it's also good for someone who isn't adopted to read in order to get a glimpse into the confusion that some adopted people feel, despite having good parents. Many of us lack a clear self identity because we want to please everyone around us b/c we feel abandoned. It's not a memory or something tangible, but there is a real, mysterious connection between the biological mother and child placed for adoption, and the loss is felt by many on all sides.

[Ricki Treleaven · Rating 4 out of 5]

Happy Monday, My Lovelies! Today I'm sharing with you a very important memoir written by Anne Heffron: You Don't Look Adopted. When this book became available to review via TLC Book Tours, I volunteered to read and review it because someone very special to me is adopted. I'm so happy I took the time to read this book even though it was a hard, emotional read. But I knew I was going to appreciate the book early on when Heffron quotes Joseph Campbell.

When it comes to adoption and Anne's feelings about it, I cannot relate because I have not walked in her shoes. She feels many of her failures in life (dropping out of college three times, failed marriages, inability to write her story) can be attributed to her initial abandonment trauma that has haunted her for her entire life. And what I find very disheartening is this: Therapists kept dismissing Heffron's suggestion that adoption was affecting her negatively. One aspect of her adoption that seems to cause her the most grief is she left her birth mother the first day of her life, yet her adoptive parents did't get custody of her until she was ten weeks old. WTH? That would traumatize me, too: I can't imagine having a black hole in my history that lasted for ten weeks when I was at my most vulnerable.

Anne describes her behavior as reckless:

"A recklessness comes with adoption. If I wasn't good enough to keep, then anything is possible. I can do anything, find once unthinkable new lows in the search for the true nature of my being."
You Don't Look Adopted, page 68

She also thinks that her overreactions to others' behavior (specifically when someone in her life is late or doesn't show up) is due to a brain pattern that associates a person not showing up with abandonment. Heffron believes that a pattern was set as an infant to feel:

"You are worthless. You are unwanted. You are going to be alone and you are going to die because no one is going to take care of you."
You Don't Look Adopted, page 44

I want to make clear that Anne doesn't solely focus on the negative. She loves her parents. She seems to be a fantastic mother to her daughter Keats, and she does mention (briefly) her successes. Anne is a screenwriter who has enjoyed success, and I wish that she had focused a bit more on what she has gotten right in her life.

As I read this book, I kept expecting research. I wanted to know more: where are the longitudinal studies about adoptees and their fear of abandonment? I had to remind myself that this is a memoir, and this is Anne's story, not a dissertation. She doesn't hold anything back: she is honest and brave to share so many aspects of her life that aren't pretty. I also love her voice. She is a very good writer, however I wish she'd stayed off Tinder a bit more while she was in New York City writing and used that time to edit because her book could use a good line editor or perhaps more beta readers. (Gosh darnit, Anne! Edit your freakin' book!) But then again it took her so long to write her story I bet she was loath to have anyone else read it, which is a shame. That also bothers me: She waited so long to write this important book.

I was thrilled to read this on the last page of the book (page 163). It's a quote from a man Anne met in a coffee shop; it's his response to her being adopted :

"We are born physically alive but spiritually dead. It's not until we accept God as Father that we find our spirit. We are all adopted children of God."

YES! Anne's reaction:

"His eyes were gentle and even if I didn't believe in God, I liked the idea that we are all adopted in love and that it is the acceptance of this love that brings us our spirit."

Coffee shop man speaks the truth. We all are adopted in love! (Galations 4:4-5)

If you have anyone in your life who's adopted, I highly recommend this book. It has changed the way I think about not just adoptees, but anyone else who's endured a trauma. If I learned anything from this book it's this: The way a person feels about an issue or hardship should be acknowledged, especially if they're brave enough to share. He or she has a right to those feelings, and one shouldn't judge nor dismiss them. I hope I'll be a better person now that I've read this book. I'm certainly going to try.

Take the time to follow Anne on her blog. It is one of the prettiest blogs I've seen!

Disclosure:

I received a copy of You Don't Look Adopted via TLC Book Tours in exchange for a fair and honest review.

[jo c leightner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. So real and honest. The author jumps around a bit, as other reviewers have noted, but she gave a reason for choosing that style for her writing...that's the way her brain was working...and that style was perfectly fine with me. I am part of the adoptee triad in several ways so I recognize and identify with the author's thoughts and feelings. As an adoptive mother of two daughters, now 35 and 38 years old, I am still searching for information as to how being adopted has affected my children's choices and also how adoption has influenced our mother-daughter relationships. This is one of 25 books that I've read seeking some answers. Anne's experiences helped me to better understand what might be going on with my daughters. Adoptive parents need answers to questions, too and I highly recommend this book to anyone in the triad.
The second part of my own story is being the grandmother to 3 of my daughter's children that she bore out of wedlock and placed in open adoption homes because she's unable to parent. Knowing what she went through placing these 3 children also helps me to see more clearly the pain and experiences from the birthmother's perspective. I am very hopeful that the grandchildren who are now in open adoptive homes (2 are in the same home) will better understand their circumstances and their sense of abandonment, with eyes wide open to their birth mother and her difficulties, strengths and DNA as well as to her decisions...and having open access to their extended open adoption families will help ease the pain of "not belonging" anywhere. Hopefully they will know, from first hand experience, just how much they do belong...and that having 2 mothers means there is just more love to receive and to give. I am revising my memoir at this time and hoping to have another adoption story out there soon. I big thank you to the author Anne! We are discussing your book in my adoption support group tomorrow.

[Caitlyn Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been on a bit of an adoption journey for the last three years. I am not an adoptee, but a foster parent who eventually adopted an 11 year after she came to us at 8 YO. This memoir confirmed all of my worst feelings about adoption - mainly that it is a trauma and that in the past I have been insensitive to adoptees.

What I enjoyed most about this memoir was that it was not preachy - Anne keeps that focus squarely on her experience and leaves it up to the reader to do with it what they will. She bares it all in a raw confessional string of consciousness.

This book is riddled with grammatical errors. At first I read them and wondered if my comprehension of English was off (Because, my trauma tells me I am dumb and must be the cause of all problems.), but then they occurred often enough that I realized it was the book, not me. While these errors did effect the readability of the book, and in some places I had to guess at her meaning, I actually grew to appreciate them. These errors conveyed the sense that the words had poured from her pen, as tears welled and blurred her vision and stained the pages. Heffron's style speaks from urgency, and a moment of extreme courage and vulnerability. As the memoir draws to a close, the truth of this becomes abundantly clear - the memoir feels authentic because of its little imperfections. It's actually brilliant.

I really enjoyed the end of this book when Anne allows herself to reimagine her early life with her mom, and how that process would have been so uncomfortable and yet healing for her. I am curious if physical touch is Anne love language, or if its something she thinks all adoptees must painfully/joyfully endure as part of a healing process.

[Bill · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm an adoptee who has recently found my birth family so I'm making my way through adoption books to see how my story compares and to figure out how this all works. Ms. Heffron's experience is not like mine but I respect her story. Throughout much of the book, she's angry so I was glad to see the resolution at the end. It's clear that her adoption left her traumatized and she asserts that perhaps we all are in varying degrees. I suppose this depends on many factors, particularly how quickly we are adopted. But she makes many relevant points and I'm glad I got her perspective. For instance, she points out how adoptees have to keep their situations secret, usually not being able to talk about their feelings for fear they will upset their adoptive families, even though we did nothing wrong. That is an odd thing, isn't it? I felt sorry for the author. Identity and abandonment issues have caused her many struggles in life and this book seems to have been part of her therapy. Just remember this is one story but it doesn't represent all adoption stories.

[Angie · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are a lot of books available to readers regarding families and their journey of adopting a child, but this is the first memoir that I have come upon from the view of the individual who was adopted. I liked the way the book was constructed with titled passages. Consequently, more then not Anne Heffron’s story of being adopted was saddening though at times there is joy and happiness. As a reader, I learned a lot about what it means to be adopted. Although, it was only one individual's story maybe it will encourage others to come forward and tell of their experience.


"Thanks, TLC"

[Hollie · Rating 1 out of 5]

As an adoptive mother, I looked forward to reading this book and the author's perspective as an adoptive child.

This book is choppy and all over the place. Her writing style is not fluid and leaves me wondering why is this thought written here?

The author was adopted at 10 weeks old. Every hardship faced is a result of her being adopted. At first, I sympathized with her feeling lost. As the book progressed with the woe it's me sentiment and messy writing style, reading this book became unbearable.

[Ruth Monnig · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, someone who understands!

Serendipitously, I found this book and felt connected to it immediately. It has taken me a lifetime to recognize and acknowledge the myriad of feelings I have had toward my adoption. Anne has captured this. I feel like we had the same life. No one is perfect, and everyone struggles, and many adoptees, as they go through life, can’t make sense of it all. This isn’t just one woman’s story, it is a series of snapshots and adult reflections on what it feels like to go through life being adopted.

[Eileen · Rating 3 out of 5]

The format was a bit distracting for me. It's told as a collection of observations and anecdotes so it hops around a bit and seems a bit disjointed. Plus there were times I wanted to read more but no story was more than a couple of pages at most. On the flip side, that helped make it a really quick read.

This book is so raw and emotional that it's tough to read at times because the author's pain comes through on every page. Anyone who cares about an adopted person should read it.

[Micah Visser · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required reading for any adoptive parent.

This book is written in a style that makes it easy to read though the subject matter will tear at your heart and make you cry.

The author is honest, vulnerable, and shares her story as it happens. She’s not pretending to be put together, finished, fully healed, but her journey is one of healing and wholeness.

This is a beautiful book.

[Sara Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this book helped me have a better understanding of how my own adopted sons may feel, even if they themselves are not aware of it. The book was a little tough to read, the author jumped around and told odd details about some things, and was a bit fragmented. But the did author acknowledge that was part of her journey, trying to sort through her own thoughts and emotions. This is definitely a book for adults due to language and sexual relationships, etc.

[Alexandra Lecomte · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an adventure, a hug and a friend! Anne wholeheartedly opened up her soul with what felt like zero fear of judgment. It was raw, it was unforgettable and everything I needed right now.
I found this book through a podcast for adoptees, adoptees on. As an adopted person myself, I found this book very comforting. It was able to put words to feelings I could not articulate for as long as I can remember. This book made me laugh made me cry and really made me feel less alone.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book. I’m happy for the author, that she finally wrote it, as it helped her heal. However; it is written in such a choppy manner that it was very difficult for me to follow. It was difficult to retain information, and I never really got a clear grasp of what was going on. I think there is a lot to discuss for a book club discussion regarding adoption, but it’s not a book I would recommend.

[Christy Sprotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anne writes with candid honesty about her experience as an adoptee. As a adoptee, I resonated so much with her story and the “hidden impacts” on our nervous system of the trauma of adoption.

Her writing style was humorous, candid, and insightful, but her book felt a bit chaotic in it’s organization, making it a but harder for me to follow than I’d have liked. Nevertheless, it’s a book I’d recommend all adoptees read.