Closer: Notes from the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality

by Sarah Barmak

We think of the modern woman as sexually liberated – if anything, we’re told we’re oversexed. Yet a striking number of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives. Over half of women report having a sexual complaint, whether that’s lack of desire or difficulty reaching orgasm. But this issue doesn’t get much press; the urge is to ignore or medicalize it (witness the quest for ‘pink Viagra’). If so many ordinary women suffer from sexual frustration, then perhaps the problem isn’t one that can be addressed by a pharmaceutical fix – or isn’t a problem. Maybe we need to get hot and bothered about a broader cultural cure: a reorienting of our current male-focused approach to sex and pleasure, and a rethinking of what’s ‘normal.’

Using a blend of reportage, interview and first-person reflection, journalist Sarah Barmak explores the cutting-edge science and grassroots cultural trends that are getting us closer to truth of women’s sexuality. Closer reveals how women are reshaping their sexuality today in wild, irrepressible ways: nude meetings, how-to apps, trans-friendly porn, therapeutic vulva massage, hour-long orgasms and public clit-rubbing demonstrations – and redefining female sexuality on its own terms.

Sarah Barmak is a Toronto-based freelance journalist and author. Her writing has appeared in Maclean's, the Globe and Mail, the Toronto Star, Canadian Business, Marketing, and Reader's Digest.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Canada, Health, Essays, Sociology

168 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 11, 2016

Reviews

[Laëtitia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bien que je n'y ai pas trouvé le contenu que j'espérais - j'imaginais bêtement lire des conseils pratiques peut-être ? - c'est une lecture qui m'a été utile. Utile pour réaliser à quel point la sexualité est complexe ; elle nécessite du temps que l'on a malheureusement pas toujours, de la curiosité et surtout un travail pour se débarrasser à la fois des représentations stéréotypées qui altèrent nos imaginaires mais aussi des pensées négatives sur nous-mêmes qui envahissent nos esprits, de sorte que l'on est incapables de lâcher prise et donc de jouir.

C'est un essai réjouissant et encourageant. Il donne envie d'investir sa propre sexualité et de se laisser tranquille également - tant pis si notre libido est en berne pendant quelques mois, quelques semaines, tant pis si l'orgasme ne sera pas pour cette fois. Il invite à se questionner et à se découvrir sans jamais tomber dans l'injonction, avec beaucoup d'inclusivité.

J'ai aussi apprécié qu'il n'érige pas la polygamie en modèle comme ça peut être le cas dans d'autres discours sur la sexualité que j'ai lus et entendus - et dans lesquels je ne me reconnais pas. Comme si multiplier les partenaires était la réponse parfaite pour tout le monde alors que multiplier les expériences avec un·e seul·e partenaire n'est pas moins plaisant. Au contraire, à mon sens !

Une lecture que je vous conseille pour ouvrir la discussion avec vous-même et la ou les personnes qui font vivre votre sexualité.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I want to start by drawing your attention to the beautiful cover of this book. It should have been obvious to me that it is a clever representation of a females genitalia, but it wasn't. I had one of those "aha!" moments while chatting with a fellow Bookliker. I feel I need to give props to whoever designed this!

Sarah Barmack is did an amazing job with this look into female sexuality. In the blurb to this this:

Closer reveals how woman are reshaping the their sexuality today in wild, irrepressible ways; nude meetings, how-to apps, trans-friendly porn, therapeutic vulva massage, hour-long orgasms and public clit-rubbing demonstrations - and redefining female sexuality on its own terms.

This was eye opening to say the least. I agree with so much of what is in this book. This is a good read for woman who want to feel liberated about their sexuality. Just think how better sated we would all be if we just voiced our wants and needs. I already do this and have been for some time. I remember how embarrassed I was the first time I explained to my husband what exactly I wanted, but in the end it helped so much.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great fast read covering a bunch of current thoughts on female sexuality. The history of women as sexual beings is pretty messed up, and always only placed in juxtaposition with men's sexuality. The clitoris was "discovered" and "lost" (read: covered up) so many times over the years (by men - it's harder to know what women thought of this because they didn't get to be in the medicine or write shit down), and still today women's sexuality is seen as more shameful than men's (compare all the disparaging words we have for women who have multiple sexual partners to the positive, encouraging ones for men). So no wonder so many women have trouble seeing themselves as sexual beings, or are so inside their head about what sex is "supposed" to be that they can't enjoy themselves. Society exerts a lot of pressure. And I really liked that Barmak talked about the important of sexual health as a part of health and wellness in general. It's easy to dismiss these problems as first world and privileged because women's sexuality has been dismissed throughout history. And the fact is that men's reproductive and sexual health has been studied so much more than women's, to the extent that stuff is still being discovered and renamed! Barmak tells a story about a women who suffered from infected Skene's glands for years because her doctors didn't believe that the "female prostate" existed (even though they were written about in the literature in the 1800s!!!).

So basically, even though a lot of this book describes some stuff that sounds real bullshitty to me (the word "yoni" was mentioned by white folks a lot), it's kind of understandable when you think that these are modern women who are trying to live in the space between being shamed for being sexual and being shamed for not being sexual (this idea is partially from porn, where multiple orgasms are the norm, and partially from the narrative of the liberated strong feminist woman who is fully in control of her own sexuality - both almost impossible standards to meet when girls aren't taught about pleasure in sex ed and aren't expected to masturbate (and therefore learn about their bodies and what they like) in the same way that boys are)...basically there's a lot of baggage and it's not weird that some women are trying to find their orgasms through some scammy-sounding yoni retreats.

[Pauline · Rating 3 out of 5]

J'étais curieuse de lire ce livre, car je ne suis pas du tout sa cible. J'ai beau être féministe, à l'aise avec ma sexualité et la sexualité en général, je n'aime pas trop parler / lire à son propos, pour une raison que je ne m'explique pas trop. (ça doit avoir avec le fait que je ne suis pas hétéro mais en couple hétéro)
Je reconnais pourtant l'importance du sujet, et si j'ai été attirée par ce livre c'est notamment parce qu'il promettait de déconstruire l'injonction à l'orgasme. Je crois qu'il a rempli sa promesse, mais en parlant énormément aussi des femmes qui ont 6, 7, 12 orgasmes à la suite, ce qui n'équilibre pas trop le propos.
Gros point positif : une inclusivité appréciable. L'autrice admet se concentrer sur les femmes en couple hétéro d'Amérique du Nord, mais mentionne à de nombreuses reprises les femmes queer, racisées, trans, et souligne la limitation géographique de son propos.
C'était aussi très agréable à lire, bien écrit et bien traduit.
Finalement, si je ne mets que 3 étoiles, c'est parce que je ne suis pas soudain devenue la cible de ce livre. J'y ai trouvé plein de choses intéressantes sur la sexualité des femmes, mais je n'ai pas non plus appris forcément beaucoup (par rapport à mon ressenti et ma vie perso, ce livre n'a pas changé ma vie quoi), et que je reste assez mal à l'aise avec les discours sur le sexe. Le livre décrit des expériences (méditation orgasmique, tantrisme, massages génitaux...) qui ne m'ont pas intéressée et m'ont un peu malaisée. (ce n'est pas la faute de l'autrice, mais des gourous du sexe hyper chelous qui proposent ce genre de trucs et oh surprise on apprend dans une NdT qu'une de ces organisations était une pyramide de Ponzi... bon BREF)
C'était chouette, je pense qu'il plaira à beaucoup de femmes avides de lire sur la sexualité et qui se questionnent peut-être sur comment mieux vivre la leur. C'est un peu tombé à côté pour moi, mais je ne dénigre pas les qualités de cet ouvrage, ni son mérite d'exister enfin en langue française aujourd'hui.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A longer essay / novella on the topic of female sexuality. It covers the history of female anatomy “discoveries”, they ways in which female pleasure has been treated historically and now, and the ways in which women are reimagining it. It also covers the why, why is it important to talk about female sexual pleasure? The book fails in relation to discussing asexuality, but was otherwise interesting.

[rabble.ca]

http://rabble.ca/books/reviews/2016/0...

Review by Clarissa Fortin

If it weren't for Sarah Barmak's Closer: Notes from the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality I might have gone for years of my life without ever finding out what my clitoris actually looks like.
"Illustrations of it resemble a swan with an arched neck," Barmak writes. "When I saw an illustration of the clitoris's true shape for the first time I felt like a blind man finally seeing a whole elephant when all he's ever known was the tip of it's trunk." I realized while reading those sentences that no one in my Catholic high school health class ever bothered to show me such an image and I'd never thought to seek one out.
I consider myself a feminist and a sexually liberated woman. Yet, there are still surprising gaps in my understanding of my own body. And that's why a book like Barmak's is important. Closer tackles its subject with eloquence, intelligence and humour.
The book is split into five essays that tackle the "fear of pleasure," the history of female sexuality, the science and psychology of the orgasm, the "female sexual underground" and the politics of acknowledging female desire.

Read more here: http://rabble.ca/books/reviews/2016/0...

[Luisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written and very informative. A book every woman should read! Every man too actually...

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is what I wish Future Sex would have been.

[CharlesJoli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Étant donné mon intérêt initial pour le sujet de la sexualité (féminine, mais pas que), et les bons retours que j'avais pu avoir sur ce livre, je me doutais que j'apprécierais ma lecture. Mais pour autant, je ne m'attendais pas à ce que ça soit à la fois un grand coup de coeur, et une révélation personnelle sur certains aspects.

J'ai entamé ma lecture alors que j'étais assez fatiguée, et les premiers jours je n'avançais que de quelques pages à la fois. Une bonne nuit de sommeil plus tard, et j'en ai lu les trois quarts restants en tout juste 24h, tant le propos est passionnant. Il faut dire qu'il est également très facile à lire. Cet ouvrage se classe sans conteste parmi les essais les plus accessibles dans leur écriture que j'ai pu lire (et j'ai envie de dire, tant mieux, étant donné le sujet). Il ne pose vraiment aucune difficulté, ne requiert aucune connaissance préalable ou habitude à lire de tels textes. Et plus encore : le ton est vraiment agréable. L'autrice sait être grave chaque fois qu'il le faut, mais n'hésite pas non plus à adopter un ton plus léger, voire une pointe d'humour. Ce livre est un vrai plaisir à lire.

J'ai apprécié qu'il s'ouvre sur la question de la crainte voire de l'incapacité de l'orgasme, pour ensuite dérouler dans un premier temps un discours historique, sociologique, scientifique (et plus encore) sur les raisons à cela, et proposer dans un second temps un tour d'horizon des propositions scientifiques, holistiques, intimistes (et toujours plus encore) qui tentent d'y remédier. On conclue sur un questionnement bienvenu sur la nécessité du plaisir, et la boucle est habilement bouclée. Moi qui pensais avoir pas mal de connaissances sur le sujet, j'ai appris beaucoup de choses pendant ma lecture, qu'il s'agisse de l'histoire de la vulve ou du fonctionnement du désir féminin. Il y a clairement des éléments qui m'ont marquée, et qui vont participer à une réflexion personnelle sur mon propre rapport à ma sexualité et à mes orgasmes.

Dernière chose mais pas des moindres, le regard critique de l'autrice tout au long de son discours mérite d'être souligné. Ses propos sont ciscentrés, elle l'admet elle-même, tout comme elle reconnait les limites géographiques de son travail. Mais elle ne le fait pas pour s'en dédouaner et l'ignorer ensuite. A plusieurs reprises, elle tente d'élargir le discours pour aborder les spécificités que peuvent vivre les femmes racisées ou les femmes trans notamment. Femmes et vulves sont associées, mais cette association n'est pas universalisée. On peut apprécier aussi le regard critique sur les pratiques auxquelles l'autrice s'est intéressée. Si elle n'émet de jugement sur aucune d'entre elles, elle n'omet pas pour autant de les replacer dans leur contexte, de noter leurs limites voire de les questionner. C'est probablement parce qu'elle prend le temps de faire ça que j'ai pu, au fil de ma lecture, réviser mes a priori initiaux sur certaines de ces pratiques.

Je suis vraiment heureuse d'avoir pu lire ce texte, et reconnaissante pour ce qu'il m'a apporté. Je suis à peu près certaine que j'y reviendrai à plusieurs reprises.

[Cecilebe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Une exploration des potentialités de jouissance et des redécouvertes de celles-ci. On y croise des témoignages, des reportages, des résultats d'enquête (typique de cette collection). Très enrichissant. Cela incite à regarder son propre rapport au corps et au plaisir aussi. La dernière partie consacrée au jeu est parfaite !

[Nika · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book ended up being one of my favourites for the entire year of 2019. I wish I would've come across it earlier in my life & wish that literature like this would be part of sexual education rather than the outdated program that is currently still being taught to teenagers all over the world. It manages to offer such eye-opening insights that it might make you question the standard of sexual education in our society or rather contemplate its non-existence.

"In the absence of a clear sense of what feels good, the default for many girls has long been to simply acquiesce to sexual demands from boys because they figure that 'this must be what sex is like'. Knowing the possibilities that sex holds, learning what you're attracted to and what kind of touch, pressure and stimulation feel good, is a key tool in helping to know when touch feels wrong, too hard, too fast or painful. (...) In a vacuum created by poor or nonexistent sex ed and the reluctance of parents to talk to girls about anything beyond avoiding pregnancy and sexual assault, however, young women are turning to the internet for sex ed. That's not working out so well." (p- 150)

Sarah beautifully outlines various topics touching female sexuality, illustrating them with scientific studies, a historical background, as well as interviews with individuals. This probably was what spoke to me a lot, a mix of personal & impersonal, making up the perfect combination of views to give a diverse enough representation of such a broad subject. It's also Sarah's way of writing that makes the book incredibly enjoyable, her sense of humour making you chuckle while reading. She manages to guide you through a variety of ideas, presenting you answers to some questions you might have been wondering about, but most of all, inspiring you to continue your personal research by sparking your interest.

Parts that especially appealed to me were:
- The debate about a "viagra-like" pill for women to be able to jump start their sexuality (like men) & how such an idea came about (p.15);
- How recent the exact physiological & anatomical portrayal of female sexual organs is (p. 27) & for how long a part of the body has been pretty much made invisible, namely the clitoris "packed with over eight thousand nerve endings, (which is) likely the only human organ whose sole purpose is pleasure - unlike the penis, which is responsible for procreation and urination as well." (p.28);
- The illustration of the complexity of how women are "literally" sexually wired, going into details with explanations of the stimulation of the brain and nerve routes (p.53);
- The background of shame & how it's bread into us from an early age, impacting all our future interactions (p.148) and many others!

On its last pages, the perfect summary of the book is given: "This little book is meant as a provocation, a poke, a food for further thought. It is descriptive rather than prescriptive. (...) It is simply (...) a look at the way an aspect of the world we often take for granted (...) . It is meant as an objection to the idea that there is one way of being sexual - or at least one 'normal' way. Sexuality is about individual expression. (p.155)
I think it's an absolute "must read" for both a female & male public and I'll be merrily suggesting it around in my circle of friends, perhaps even more on the male side.

P.S. Almost forgot about it when writing the review - the book cover!!! It's absolutely stunning & also makes it onto the list of one of my favorite book covers of all time <3 A shout-out to the talented Shannon Gerard & her beautiful embroidery work!!! (www.shannongerard.org)

[Peter Darbyshire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be required reading for women, men, couples and everyone else. Each paragraph is a revelation.

[ayyluluu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ce livre montre à quel point l’éducation sexuelle est encore le sujet marginal.

Sarah Barmak réunit tout un tas de données/réflexions/tendances/témoignages sur la sexualité des femmes et surtout sur les sujets peu connus liés à la jouissance en tant que telle. On apprend que c’est avec le début de modernité que l’orgasme féminin a commencé d’être traité comme quelque chose de peu important/trop complexe pour s’en occuper ; on apprend sur certaines notions médicaux, comme par exemple de quoi constitue-t-elle l’éjaculation féminine, qu’est-ce qui se passe dans nos cerveux lors l’orgasme (et figurez vous, il y en a aucune différence par rapport au genre), que la lubrification naturelle chez les femmes est contextuelle et non pas liée systématiquement au désir, sur le débat de l’orgine évolutionnelle de l’orgasme, mais aussi sur les origines de twerking, la position de personnes transgenres dans l’industrie porno et sur différents atheliers de pratiques de massages masturbatoires qui libèrent des pseudo-je-ne-sais-quoi-chakras-burning-man énergies et qui « guérissent » les différents troubles sexuels (partie de livre que j’ai beaucoup moins apprécié).

Tout ça pour dire, qu’en fait il y en a encore beaucoup beaucoup à apprendre sur le sujet et c’est dommage que ce genre d’information sont « cachées » dans les livres. Si tout le monde connaissez les particularités de nos corps, il y aura sûrement plus d’amour dans le monde et moins de guerres.

[Léa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Essai intéressant qui amène à avoir de nouvelles réflexions et à penser différemment.
Je ne sais pas si l’Europe propose autant d’expériences (un peu folles parfois) que l’Amérique de Nord (l’autrice est canadienne) mais cet état des lieux permet de voir le sexe différemment, sans tabou, sans jugement, et, de découvrir de nouvelles données scientifiques. Cela me donne espoir qu’un jour, toutes les femmes reçoivent une éducation sexuelle dès leur plus jeune âge, c’est-à-dire de réelles informations qui leur/nous permettraient de ne pas ressentir de sentiment négatif à ce sujet (culpabilité, honte, etc).

[Büşra Duman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Descriptif plutôt que prescriptif, effectivement. Je crois que le livre aurait pu être résumé en un tiers de pages voire moins. Je ne devais sûrement pas être la cible car il ne m'a pas apporté grand chose à part quelques informations, mais aucune réflexion... Je n'ai pas trop apprécié le ton, mais peut-être que c'est une question de traduction.

[Pretentia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This sometime antidotal and sometimes scientific look at female sexuality and orgasm is a light read. It has a good flow and addresses some of the societal ideas about women's sexuality and the value we place (or don't place) on the female orgasm. Nothing shocking, but an interesting read.

[Mahault · Rating 4 out of 5]

Comme toujours avec Zones, un excellent doc qui oscille sans cesse entre humour & pédagogie, sans aucune lourdeur.

[Lucie Pop · Rating 4 out of 5]

so interesting !

[ari]

ça faisait un an qu’il me restait 30 pages à lire… la conclusion est sympa i guess

[Kaylie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Smart, contextual, well-researched, and even better written. Barmak is a skilled and intelligent writer, political and aware of the places where she--and/or the state of sex research--falls short of intersectionality. She highlights the topics she neglects more than actually addressing them (specifically, issues related to trans and nb identities and the historical-political context of women of color), but as a whole, this book is an educational, enjoyable, thought-provoking, anthropological study of female orgasm in the 21st century in the West. Highly recommended.

[Moshi Art · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incroyable !!! Une très belle introduction a la découverte de son entre jambes.

[Alice Huot · Rating 2 out of 5]

First two chapters were fine, interesting, well documented and well written.
BUT by chapter 3, I felt like this whole thing was just a pretext for the author to tell us about the fact that she went to Burning Man and have friends who went to Burning Man. No, thank you.

[Vontel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for women of all ages, a book of her journalistic research in many areas, both with scientific discoveries and alternate and folk and personal experiences and references. It's also a good resource for men. It's a bit of slogging through some parts of the book, but overall well worth the read. It's not a really long book, but needing reflection time in reading, since it is jam packed with research in some chapters, so not likely one you would read in 1 or 2 sittings. It raises the focus on women's sexuality, both currently and in the historical record in a variety of cultures.

[Leona B · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really informative, entertaining read. The information Barmak presents about what's missing about how knowledge of female pleasure and biology is maddening. She tempers this with fascinating discussions about the definition of orgasm, mindfully framing her exploration and acknowledging the gaps in her discussion of female sexuality. Makes me curious about the rest of this book series.

[Ambre · Rating 3 out of 5]

Descriptif et non prescriptif, c'est assumé mais pas forcément le type de lecture que je préfère. Amusant et intéressant mais pas super prenant ou révolutionnaire, pas mind-blowing ou trop génial. De l'aveu de l'autrice, c'est très centré sur des expériences de femmes privilégiées donc on peut se poser la question de l'intérêt de ce genre de travail quand malgré les propres "auto-dénonciations" le tout reste aussi hétérocentré et balaie un peu vite les questions d'appropriation culturelle et le caractère offensant de toutes les pratiques new age évoquées.
Mais je répète, c'est, dans un sens, instructif, et un peu rigolo, voire décomplexant. Une lecture pas difficile !

[Lauren Gilhooly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah Barmak's review of female sexuality is well researched, well synthesized, and well written. She does a good job of making the complicated history of social (and by extension, medical) approaches to women's bodies accessible.

As promised, she inspires the reader to think twice about some of the common misconceptions we have about women's bodies being inherently complicated and indifferent to pleasure. I found myself nodding in agreement throughout and I can't wait to share her work with my friends, both male and female alike.

[shayne avec i grec · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very breezy read packed with a great blend of research and anecdotal elements. Far from an authority on any specific avenue within the topic, this book is an excellent entryway into a broad and understudied topic. Deliciously self-aware of its own shortcomings and those within the fields it examines. A very worthwhile read.

[Hannah Swiderski · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars-- I would be interested if she delved into some of the demographics she listed on the last page.

[Mandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

”Anybody ever have the experience, you’re having sex but you’re just there, you’re not noticing what’s going on?’ asks Jansen. ‘You’re not feeling what’s going on don there when you’re in your head thinking about “Am I going to have an orgasm? Am I not? Am I wet enough? Do I look sexy?”

This brought to mind the Margaret Atwood quote, “Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.” ― Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride
We are socialized to watch ourselves during sex, like it is a performance. Getting lost in pleasure is not an option when you are worried about performance.

”The average music video has more high-definition close-ups of glistening, naked glutted than porn had in the seventies. Indeed, porn has become our mainstream aesthetic. Our ideal body is one that is sculpted, tanned, and hairless – ready for nudity at a moment’s notice, as if a tripod, some Kileg lights and a mustachioed director are always licking around the next corner.”

Nobody can say this is untrue. Women are marketed razors for their “unhygienic” body hair, which is just a natural secondary sex characteristic, bombarded with ads about doing hot yoga and booty workouts, and overall making ourselves appealing to the male gaze.

”…a study…found that gay women – who tend to communicate better with lovers about their needs – orgasm about 75 percent of the time with a consistent partner.”

I’m sure many women will agree that this is more that they get from the majority of male partners.

”What sense of inner strength does it give you to know you can choose to have sex, and – as long as it is consensual and you’re not cheating or doing anyone harm – the fact or your having sex will not be used against you? The mere fact that you like sex, and that other people know it, will not hurt your career, cause people to look askance at you or damage your social standing. It’s unlikely your ex will share nude photos of you in order to try and destroy you. For most men, it’s the opposite: being a ‘stud’ will make a guy look good. It’s something that feels good and gives him pride. It gives him mojo and high-fives from his friends. If it got out at work, he’s probably get promoted. It’s a win-win”.

Women are not allowed to enjoy having sex in our current world. They are shamed, called sluts, bitches, whores, every name in the book, for enjoying something and being open about it, whereas men are allowed to do the same and just be considered a normal guy. It’s a gross double standard, and it should be obvious to everyone that it is a completely outdated way of looking at the world.

”We teach girls shame. Close your legs, cover yourself. We make them feel as though by being born female, they’re already guilty of something. And so, girls grow up to be women who cannot see they have desire. They grow up to me women who silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think. And they grow up – and this is the worst thing we do to girls – they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an art form.

Porn gives boys and girls a twisted version of how sex works, where choking, slapping and coercion are common, Hugging, caressing, full-body massage, foreplay, clitoral stroking and cunnilingus that lasts long enough to produce an orgasm are not.

I remember when I was a child and we all discussed, at the tender age of nine, the porn we had been exposed to. How strange and terrified we were to see women being beaten by men, used by them, and then the shame we felt at watching these same types of videos and feeling aroused by them when we became older. I cannot help but think I would have had a happier childhood if it was untainted by pornography.
The book also mentions OneTaste, which Netflix has a documentary on and calls a cult. I had no idea about that from the book, which portrays it in a positive light. I don’t know if the author knew about that when they wrote this book. I plan to watch the documentary and see what it is about.
Overall, great read. Toronto represent!

[Allie Jo Arendell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book as referenced in a recommendation on Listopia after reading Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are which was a HUGE 5 star rating for me. This particular book has a ton of new and comprehensive ideas that include many different progressive perspectives on how all kinds of different women experience sexuality in this present day society mainly within first world societies.

It was definitely not as professionally written or outlined as Nagoski's book and often makes huge random jumps around within single chapters which makes it harder to gather thoughts together, but the progressive ideas on female sexuality presented within the book still make it worth reading. If this book were outlined, organized, and edited, as it may be if a second edition will be presented, I would definitely give it a 4 star rating for thought provocation.

Start with Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski for any interest in women's sexuality. STUNNING & INFORMATIVE BOOK!