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Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss
When the New York Times ran Patrick O’Malley’s story about the loss of his infant son―and how his inability to "move on" challenged everything he was taught as a psychotherapist―it inspired an unprecedented flood of gratitude from readers.
What he shared was a truth that many have felt but rarely acknowledged by the professionals they turn that our grief is not a mental illness to be cured, but part of the abiding connection with the one we’ve lost .
Illuminated by O’Malley’s own story and those of many clients that he’s supported, readers learn how the familiar "stages of grief" too often mislabel our sorrow as a disorder, press us to "get over it," and amplify our suffering with shame and guilt when we do not achieve "closure" in due course.
"Sadness, regret, confusion, yearning―all the experiences of grief―are a part of the narrative of love," reflects O’Malley. Here, with uncommon sensitivity and support, he invites us to explore grief not as a process of recovery, but as the ongoing narrative of our relationship with the one we’ve lost―to be fully felt, told, and woven into our lives.
For those in bereavement and anyone supporting those who are, Getting Grief Right offers an uncommonly empathetic guide to opening to our sorrow as the full expression of our love.
What he shared was a truth that many have felt but rarely acknowledged by the professionals they turn that our grief is not a mental illness to be cured, but part of the abiding connection with the one we’ve lost .
Illuminated by O’Malley’s own story and those of many clients that he’s supported, readers learn how the familiar "stages of grief" too often mislabel our sorrow as a disorder, press us to "get over it," and amplify our suffering with shame and guilt when we do not achieve "closure" in due course.
"Sadness, regret, confusion, yearning―all the experiences of grief―are a part of the narrative of love," reflects O’Malley. Here, with uncommon sensitivity and support, he invites us to explore grief not as a process of recovery, but as the ongoing narrative of our relationship with the one we’ve lost―to be fully felt, told, and woven into our lives.
For those in bereavement and anyone supporting those who are, Getting Grief Right offers an uncommonly empathetic guide to opening to our sorrow as the full expression of our love.
256 pages, Paperback
Published July 1, 2017
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629 people want to read
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May 28, 2017
As someone who has been actively grieving for several years…
Wait. Is that how you say it?
Does that even make sense to put it that way?
Actively grieving makes it sound like every minute is spent wearing black and crying. While that isn’t too far off the mark as far as how I dress, I’m not always crying, but I do have momentary feelings of:
Sadness
Loss
Guilt
Anger
Regret
and a host of other emotions that are blends or hybrids of these core ones.
Pre-grieving, I was reading a lot of books on the topic. Dear Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was helpful, but I read her books with the knowledge that her perspective of grieving was one that several leading thinkers in the space have criticized. Given her belief that grief evolves through a series of stages and knowing that there were very few – if any, people I knew out there who were able to brush their hands together and say “OK. I’m done grieving. I’m all better, and I’ve accepted my loved one’s death,” it’s not as cut and dry as Ross believed.
So in my quest to continue to develop my death positivity and my personal work with grief, I found a book that completely gets it right. Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss by Dr. Patrick O’Malley. Many of you may know Dr. O’Malley an article of his that received quite a bit of attention in the New York Times. It is a snapshot of the wisdom that he shares within the pages of this book.
The author provides many helpful tips on how to cope in an effective manner. He offers many practical self-care suggestions and recognizes the value in ensuring that people take good care of themselves during this time of their lives. The concept of self-knowledge and one’s individual psychology and historical background is also paramount in Getting Grief Right.
The book breaks many of the misperceptions surrounding grief as well as the unique nature of the grief experience for each person, rather than the universal stages we may be shoehorned into. Beyond this, the idea of closure is attached to our notion of what successful grieving – and an end goal for this process. Society has perpetuated many harmful myths –
“Give it six months then you’ll feel better.”
“It’s time to move on.”
“It really isn’t healthy for you to be talking about your loved one still.”
“It’s not looking like you’re getting over this are you?”
“Well at least they aren’t suffering any longer. And they wouldn’t want you to suffer either so stop crying.”
“You should look on the bright side. They had a long life.”
So many of these reactions from others to what are our natural emotions can make us feel ashamed, weak and generally weird. Many of us are used to taking a goal-oriented approach to healing, and this simply doesn’t work for the grief process. It’s a giant let-down to realize that it’s always going to be around. You can’t do much to change the fact that your loved one is dead. You can’t let the opinions of others influence your personal experience of what’s occurring during this incredibly charged area of your life.
This book is dedicated to examining your story as much as reviewing the stories you recall about the deceased. It also provides advice to support those who are grieving and offers suggestions for how you can encourage them to express their emotions and memories of their loved ones.
Within the pages of this book, you’ll feel both understood and validated. Dr. O’Malley shares a great deal that relates to his personal experience of grief. Being a grief counselor who has direct connection with deep loss has helped him to help others. He offers the knowledge he’s gained from working with his clients and the personal work he’s done both with his own story, as well as in understanding the various concepts behind grief therapy.
The author notes that “Our stories are pathways to living with loss” and this quote best exemplifies the approach he has taken with his patients. Getting Grief Right is for those who are looking to explore and write about the story of their loved one – and all of the emotions that surround the loss of this person in your life. It’s a way to unearth all of the memories and feelings around your relationship with those who have died and to unpack this information in written form.
Writing may help you get the words out that you’ve struggled to find a way to express. Dr. O’Malley believes that having a safe space for allow you to tell your story is what helps people better understand their experience. It’s a tool to work towards making space for yourself and limiting your self-judgment. In addition, it helps you continue to honor your bond with the person who died – something that isn’t lost despite their physical absence. It’s a way to remember your experience of that person – the details of your relationship. It can help you construct meaning.
This book is not going to erase your grief. It’s designed to help you examine it and develop the wisdom and compassion to relate to it in a different way that what we have been taught to as a society. Now you may be suffering from traumatic or complicated grief and I really wouldn’t encourage you to dive into this book without having a strong support system or giving some thought to speaking to a mental health professional before you really engage with the writing and contemplative exercises that are detailed in the book.
I’m really looking forward to completing the writing exercises and actually starting a virtual group who wish to engage in a study group around the subjects covered within Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss. While I greatly appreciated the knowledge that I gained from reading this book, I’m now anticipating the second phase of the brilliance of this work and doing the work to see where this kind of exploration takes me.
This book is a must-own for anyone who is either currently grieving or supporting someone who has experienced the death of a loved on. I can’t recommend it highly enough and I am grateful for the work that Dr. Patrick O’Malley put into the development of this essential read.
Wait. Is that how you say it?
Does that even make sense to put it that way?
Actively grieving makes it sound like every minute is spent wearing black and crying. While that isn’t too far off the mark as far as how I dress, I’m not always crying, but I do have momentary feelings of:
Sadness
Loss
Guilt
Anger
Regret
and a host of other emotions that are blends or hybrids of these core ones.
Pre-grieving, I was reading a lot of books on the topic. Dear Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was helpful, but I read her books with the knowledge that her perspective of grieving was one that several leading thinkers in the space have criticized. Given her belief that grief evolves through a series of stages and knowing that there were very few – if any, people I knew out there who were able to brush their hands together and say “OK. I’m done grieving. I’m all better, and I’ve accepted my loved one’s death,” it’s not as cut and dry as Ross believed.
So in my quest to continue to develop my death positivity and my personal work with grief, I found a book that completely gets it right. Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss by Dr. Patrick O’Malley. Many of you may know Dr. O’Malley an article of his that received quite a bit of attention in the New York Times. It is a snapshot of the wisdom that he shares within the pages of this book.
The author provides many helpful tips on how to cope in an effective manner. He offers many practical self-care suggestions and recognizes the value in ensuring that people take good care of themselves during this time of their lives. The concept of self-knowledge and one’s individual psychology and historical background is also paramount in Getting Grief Right.
The book breaks many of the misperceptions surrounding grief as well as the unique nature of the grief experience for each person, rather than the universal stages we may be shoehorned into. Beyond this, the idea of closure is attached to our notion of what successful grieving – and an end goal for this process. Society has perpetuated many harmful myths –
“Give it six months then you’ll feel better.”
“It’s time to move on.”
“It really isn’t healthy for you to be talking about your loved one still.”
“It’s not looking like you’re getting over this are you?”
“Well at least they aren’t suffering any longer. And they wouldn’t want you to suffer either so stop crying.”
“You should look on the bright side. They had a long life.”
So many of these reactions from others to what are our natural emotions can make us feel ashamed, weak and generally weird. Many of us are used to taking a goal-oriented approach to healing, and this simply doesn’t work for the grief process. It’s a giant let-down to realize that it’s always going to be around. You can’t do much to change the fact that your loved one is dead. You can’t let the opinions of others influence your personal experience of what’s occurring during this incredibly charged area of your life.
This book is dedicated to examining your story as much as reviewing the stories you recall about the deceased. It also provides advice to support those who are grieving and offers suggestions for how you can encourage them to express their emotions and memories of their loved ones.
Within the pages of this book, you’ll feel both understood and validated. Dr. O’Malley shares a great deal that relates to his personal experience of grief. Being a grief counselor who has direct connection with deep loss has helped him to help others. He offers the knowledge he’s gained from working with his clients and the personal work he’s done both with his own story, as well as in understanding the various concepts behind grief therapy.
The author notes that “Our stories are pathways to living with loss” and this quote best exemplifies the approach he has taken with his patients. Getting Grief Right is for those who are looking to explore and write about the story of their loved one – and all of the emotions that surround the loss of this person in your life. It’s a way to unearth all of the memories and feelings around your relationship with those who have died and to unpack this information in written form.
Writing may help you get the words out that you’ve struggled to find a way to express. Dr. O’Malley believes that having a safe space for allow you to tell your story is what helps people better understand their experience. It’s a tool to work towards making space for yourself and limiting your self-judgment. In addition, it helps you continue to honor your bond with the person who died – something that isn’t lost despite their physical absence. It’s a way to remember your experience of that person – the details of your relationship. It can help you construct meaning.
This book is not going to erase your grief. It’s designed to help you examine it and develop the wisdom and compassion to relate to it in a different way that what we have been taught to as a society. Now you may be suffering from traumatic or complicated grief and I really wouldn’t encourage you to dive into this book without having a strong support system or giving some thought to speaking to a mental health professional before you really engage with the writing and contemplative exercises that are detailed in the book.
I’m really looking forward to completing the writing exercises and actually starting a virtual group who wish to engage in a study group around the subjects covered within Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss. While I greatly appreciated the knowledge that I gained from reading this book, I’m now anticipating the second phase of the brilliance of this work and doing the work to see where this kind of exploration takes me.
This book is a must-own for anyone who is either currently grieving or supporting someone who has experienced the death of a loved on. I can’t recommend it highly enough and I am grateful for the work that Dr. Patrick O’Malley put into the development of this essential read.
July 10, 2017
Finding Your Own Path in Grief
(Full disclosure: I received a free electronic ARC for review through NetGalley.)
"The writer Anne Lamott says it beautifully: 'You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.'"
"It’s not an exaggeration to say that, over time, the nature of 'successful' grieving was redefined in my office by both my clients and me. It wasn’t getting over loss; it was learning to live with it, and to use the grief narrative as a way to preserve a bond with the one who died."
"This book will not help you 'get over' your grief, but will help you experience your sorrow in its most pure form."
Patrick O'Malley knows a thing or two about loss: not only is he a therapist who specializes in bereavement counseling, but he lost his first-born son, Ryan, before they'd even celebrated his first birthday. As a young husband, new father, and practicing psychotherapist, O'Malley followed the advice of his colleagues - indeed, the same advice he'd given to countless grieving patients - and tried to "get over" Ryan's death. However, as the prescribed time frame for grieving came and went, O'Malley gradually began to question the wisdom and efficacy of stage-based models of bereavement, perhaps best exemplified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's infamous five stages of grief. (Say it with me: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.)
After much soul searching and years of experience, O'Malley embraced a much kinder and more compassionate framework: one that celebrates the patient's unique relationship to the deceased; recognizes that we all grieve in our own way, that there is no "one size fits all" model of grief; and uses storytelling to craft a cohesive grief narrative. In this way, grief is not something you "work through" and leave behind you; rather, to love is to grieve, and grieving is one way to keep your loved one alive in your memories. Storytelling - whether through journaling, videotaped recollections, or something else - is a powerful way to do this.
Getting Grief Right consists of three key elements. First, O'Malley briefly explores the history of stage-based models of grief. He then shares the story of his own loss, and in so doing, he illustrates how profoundly his professional wisdom failed him in his greatest time of need. Using his own experiences, as well as those of his patients, as a jumping-off point, O'Malley explores this new approach to dealing with grief.
I picked up this book because I'm having a spectacularly bad decade. In just three and a half years, I lost four dogs, a grandmother, and my husband. This last was what's called a "traumatic loss" due to an "interruptive death" - my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. He was only 41 years old. Anyway, that was six months ago, and I've been having a hard time dealing; some things have only gotten worse with time. Getting Grief Right sounded like something I needed to read, and the idea of storytelling in particular appealed to me.
O'Malley spends quite a bit of time assuring his readers that there's nothing wrong with them; that only some people pass through the five stages of grief; that these models are questionable at best; and that most people never truly "get over" a loss, and that's okay - if you loved someone, why shouldn't their absence always hurt, if just a little? (The trick is getting to a place where the memories are more likely to warm your heart than break it, imho, but the dance will always be a delicate and shifting one.) I can see how this advice could prove invaluable to those who do feel "broken" by their inability to reach acceptance, or peace, or whatever. However, I already thought of the Kübler-Ross model more as pop culture fodder than a hard and fast rule, so it felt a little redundant on my end. But grain of salt; your needs may differ from mine, and that's okay too!
For me, the real value is in the storytelling. This is an aspect of grieving that I was already hip to; anyone who reads my blog on the regular can get a glimpse of this in the ridiculously long tributes I wrote to Ralphie and Kaylee after they passed, or in the weekly progress reports I gave as I preemptively grieved Peedee's death from lung cancer.
For those who don't know what to say, O'Malley gives a rather detailed list of prompts, encouraging his readers to separate their stories of loss into three chapters: the beginning (your life with your loved one before), the middle (his or her death), and the after (and all the messy, ugly feelings this entails). It's an excellent starting point, though I'd encourage people to go deeper or get more creative, for example, by incorporating poems, song lyrics, ephemera, multimedia. Whatever you feel comfortable with, and best expresses your unique story.
While reading Getting Grief Right, I was often reminded of a Salon article, written by Jill Filipovic, which I quoted in one of my storytelling projects and has never really left me:
“Let me tell you about her” allows the grieving person to explain, in the midst of a familiar ritual, why their loved one was particularly special. The impulse to explain how a person was can feel incredibly urgent in the immediate wake of that person’s death. The telling of stories isn’t just a way to make up for the fact that the dead person can no longer make their own stories; the telling solidifies those things in the memory of the teller, making real again and again the fact that though the person is gone, you’ll remember them.
There’s a fear behind that, too: What happens when I start to forget?
To stave off the forgetting, we memorialize. We write funeral announcements and obituaries and headstones. We visit graves. And now, we make Facebook pages, we write blog posts and we tweet. The urgency in “telling you about her” spills over into the Internet and onto social media, and it seems that to many people in pain, nothing feels more natural. Yet looking in, it can feel unseemly.
Getting Grief Right is an invitation to "tell me about her," free of judgment or fear, no matter how long it's been since she last set foot on this earth. You may choose to share your story with others, as O'Malley recommends in some situations; or you may not. The important thing is that it exists for you: it is an outlet for your sadness, tangible evidence of your love, and a continuation of your loved one's memory. As long as you tell the world - even if it's just shouting into the void - about her, a part of her lives on.
Definitely recommended for those struggling with grief, particularly those whose friends and family members have "moved on" (e.g., by withdrawing their support) and expect you to do the same.
Why just four stars? The book is co-written by O'Malley and Tim Madigan; consequently, there's some weird, referring-to-oneself-in-the-third-person narration going on. Granted, I read an early copy, and this could be cleaned up in the final version. That said, this ARC had more errors than unusual.
http://www.easyvegan.info/2017/07/28/...
(Full disclosure: I received a free electronic ARC for review through NetGalley.)
"The writer Anne Lamott says it beautifully: 'You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.'"
"It’s not an exaggeration to say that, over time, the nature of 'successful' grieving was redefined in my office by both my clients and me. It wasn’t getting over loss; it was learning to live with it, and to use the grief narrative as a way to preserve a bond with the one who died."
"This book will not help you 'get over' your grief, but will help you experience your sorrow in its most pure form."
Patrick O'Malley knows a thing or two about loss: not only is he a therapist who specializes in bereavement counseling, but he lost his first-born son, Ryan, before they'd even celebrated his first birthday. As a young husband, new father, and practicing psychotherapist, O'Malley followed the advice of his colleagues - indeed, the same advice he'd given to countless grieving patients - and tried to "get over" Ryan's death. However, as the prescribed time frame for grieving came and went, O'Malley gradually began to question the wisdom and efficacy of stage-based models of bereavement, perhaps best exemplified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's infamous five stages of grief. (Say it with me: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.)
After much soul searching and years of experience, O'Malley embraced a much kinder and more compassionate framework: one that celebrates the patient's unique relationship to the deceased; recognizes that we all grieve in our own way, that there is no "one size fits all" model of grief; and uses storytelling to craft a cohesive grief narrative. In this way, grief is not something you "work through" and leave behind you; rather, to love is to grieve, and grieving is one way to keep your loved one alive in your memories. Storytelling - whether through journaling, videotaped recollections, or something else - is a powerful way to do this.
Getting Grief Right consists of three key elements. First, O'Malley briefly explores the history of stage-based models of grief. He then shares the story of his own loss, and in so doing, he illustrates how profoundly his professional wisdom failed him in his greatest time of need. Using his own experiences, as well as those of his patients, as a jumping-off point, O'Malley explores this new approach to dealing with grief.
I picked up this book because I'm having a spectacularly bad decade. In just three and a half years, I lost four dogs, a grandmother, and my husband. This last was what's called a "traumatic loss" due to an "interruptive death" - my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. He was only 41 years old. Anyway, that was six months ago, and I've been having a hard time dealing; some things have only gotten worse with time. Getting Grief Right sounded like something I needed to read, and the idea of storytelling in particular appealed to me.
O'Malley spends quite a bit of time assuring his readers that there's nothing wrong with them; that only some people pass through the five stages of grief; that these models are questionable at best; and that most people never truly "get over" a loss, and that's okay - if you loved someone, why shouldn't their absence always hurt, if just a little? (The trick is getting to a place where the memories are more likely to warm your heart than break it, imho, but the dance will always be a delicate and shifting one.) I can see how this advice could prove invaluable to those who do feel "broken" by their inability to reach acceptance, or peace, or whatever. However, I already thought of the Kübler-Ross model more as pop culture fodder than a hard and fast rule, so it felt a little redundant on my end. But grain of salt; your needs may differ from mine, and that's okay too!
For me, the real value is in the storytelling. This is an aspect of grieving that I was already hip to; anyone who reads my blog on the regular can get a glimpse of this in the ridiculously long tributes I wrote to Ralphie and Kaylee after they passed, or in the weekly progress reports I gave as I preemptively grieved Peedee's death from lung cancer.
For those who don't know what to say, O'Malley gives a rather detailed list of prompts, encouraging his readers to separate their stories of loss into three chapters: the beginning (your life with your loved one before), the middle (his or her death), and the after (and all the messy, ugly feelings this entails). It's an excellent starting point, though I'd encourage people to go deeper or get more creative, for example, by incorporating poems, song lyrics, ephemera, multimedia. Whatever you feel comfortable with, and best expresses your unique story.
While reading Getting Grief Right, I was often reminded of a Salon article, written by Jill Filipovic, which I quoted in one of my storytelling projects and has never really left me:
“Let me tell you about her” allows the grieving person to explain, in the midst of a familiar ritual, why their loved one was particularly special. The impulse to explain how a person was can feel incredibly urgent in the immediate wake of that person’s death. The telling of stories isn’t just a way to make up for the fact that the dead person can no longer make their own stories; the telling solidifies those things in the memory of the teller, making real again and again the fact that though the person is gone, you’ll remember them.
There’s a fear behind that, too: What happens when I start to forget?
To stave off the forgetting, we memorialize. We write funeral announcements and obituaries and headstones. We visit graves. And now, we make Facebook pages, we write blog posts and we tweet. The urgency in “telling you about her” spills over into the Internet and onto social media, and it seems that to many people in pain, nothing feels more natural. Yet looking in, it can feel unseemly.
Getting Grief Right is an invitation to "tell me about her," free of judgment or fear, no matter how long it's been since she last set foot on this earth. You may choose to share your story with others, as O'Malley recommends in some situations; or you may not. The important thing is that it exists for you: it is an outlet for your sadness, tangible evidence of your love, and a continuation of your loved one's memory. As long as you tell the world - even if it's just shouting into the void - about her, a part of her lives on.
Definitely recommended for those struggling with grief, particularly those whose friends and family members have "moved on" (e.g., by withdrawing their support) and expect you to do the same.
Why just four stars? The book is co-written by O'Malley and Tim Madigan; consequently, there's some weird, referring-to-oneself-in-the-third-person narration going on. Granted, I read an early copy, and this could be cleaned up in the final version. That said, this ARC had more errors than unusual.
http://www.easyvegan.info/2017/07/28/...
February 14, 2017
*An ARC of this book was provided to me by NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review.*
I really appreciate this book. I would recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss or knows someone who has (so, yes, literally everyone). Not only does it help to dispel the myth of the set, linear "stages of grief," it gives the reader the tools to allow themselves to experience their own grief, to tell their own story, and to make their own peace (without feeling forced into "acceptance"). It also has a few hugely important sections on responding to others' grief, something I have found many people could use a primer on. The author's advice on responding to someone's loss with kindness and compassion and without harmful clichés and meaningless platitudes is great, and I think this book would help everyone to better deal with grief, whether it is their own or that of someone else.
I really liked the prompts the author gives to get the reader thinking about their "grief story," and I appreciated that he encouraged journaling but also allowed that some people may just want to consider the answers in their heads. The only aspect that kept me from giving this 5 stars was the study guide at the end - it is designed for people who want to start their own support group which I guess is good if you have the wherewithal to do that but, for me, the idea of trying to organize other grieving people while navigating my own grief is anxiety-inducing and exhausting. I would have liked it if the study guide included more tips and prompts for the individual, although the group ideas are still adaptable for solo readers. Overall, a wonderful, comforting book.
I really appreciate this book. I would recommend it to anyone who has experienced a loss or knows someone who has (so, yes, literally everyone). Not only does it help to dispel the myth of the set, linear "stages of grief," it gives the reader the tools to allow themselves to experience their own grief, to tell their own story, and to make their own peace (without feeling forced into "acceptance"). It also has a few hugely important sections on responding to others' grief, something I have found many people could use a primer on. The author's advice on responding to someone's loss with kindness and compassion and without harmful clichés and meaningless platitudes is great, and I think this book would help everyone to better deal with grief, whether it is their own or that of someone else.
I really liked the prompts the author gives to get the reader thinking about their "grief story," and I appreciated that he encouraged journaling but also allowed that some people may just want to consider the answers in their heads. The only aspect that kept me from giving this 5 stars was the study guide at the end - it is designed for people who want to start their own support group which I guess is good if you have the wherewithal to do that but, for me, the idea of trying to organize other grieving people while navigating my own grief is anxiety-inducing and exhausting. I would have liked it if the study guide included more tips and prompts for the individual, although the group ideas are still adaptable for solo readers. Overall, a wonderful, comforting book.
May 30, 2018
What a wonderful book! I got this for my work library (hospice RN), but it really spoke to me as a person who will forever grieve my mother. Every word of this book rang true, and the author's suggestions for trying to cope with grief or help someone who is doing so felt right and mirror my experience as someone who witnesses a lot of grief and pain. I even reached back well over a decade to do the writing exercises he suggested, and it reminded me of what most helped me when I was fresh in grief: being allowed to tell my/her story, people who would say my mom's name, being allowed to remember her and having others share their own memories of her. This book is ideal for those who are hurting and those trying to support a person who is hurting. Bravo.
May 29, 2021
This book is a lifesaver. Suffering from a recent tragic unexpected loss I have been struggling. This book validates my concerns and blesses my thoughts and feelings. Not only have I put pen to paper and journaled the suggested prompts I will also be a much better grief companion in the future.
As the book states, society has a fast food mentality when dealing with grief - as if all should be well instantly, clearly void of patience and tolerance. As those coping with loss quickly discover our journey is as individual as a fingerprint and doesn't have a deadline.
The book covers a broad spectrum on loss and I found it to be a relief and a great comfort. I found the term shadow grief extremely helpful. Reading on how loss unites or divides relationships was again more than helpful. Also the failure of those we hoped would be there for us during our time of need as well as those unexpected standing by our side once again provided a connection with issues I have been coping with.
The loss I am dealing with is very different from previous losses. The book acknowledges my struggles and proves I am not losing my mind, rather it delves into specifics of what I am facing.
I can't praise this book enough. Anyone seeking a book regarding grief please add this to your reading list. I can't emphasize how much it has rescued me from the depths of sorrow.
A wonderful reference for those supporting someone suffering a loss - how to help, what not to say etc..
Thank you for providing paper bereavement counseling during a very dark time in my life. Grateful.
As the book states, society has a fast food mentality when dealing with grief - as if all should be well instantly, clearly void of patience and tolerance. As those coping with loss quickly discover our journey is as individual as a fingerprint and doesn't have a deadline.
The book covers a broad spectrum on loss and I found it to be a relief and a great comfort. I found the term shadow grief extremely helpful. Reading on how loss unites or divides relationships was again more than helpful. Also the failure of those we hoped would be there for us during our time of need as well as those unexpected standing by our side once again provided a connection with issues I have been coping with.
The loss I am dealing with is very different from previous losses. The book acknowledges my struggles and proves I am not losing my mind, rather it delves into specifics of what I am facing.
I can't praise this book enough. Anyone seeking a book regarding grief please add this to your reading list. I can't emphasize how much it has rescued me from the depths of sorrow.
A wonderful reference for those supporting someone suffering a loss - how to help, what not to say etc..
Thank you for providing paper bereavement counseling during a very dark time in my life. Grateful.
October 6, 2018
This is the kind of book that sits with you and holds your hand comfortingly as you read it has to say. It has an intimate feel to it that I really appreciated and it took grieving very seriously. However, I wish this book had more information and guidance - especially for a clinician. The basic idea is that you shouldn't expect your grief to follow a prescribed or even discernible path. And for someone grieving, that's hopefully a comforting thing to hear. But I had hoped it would help me work with clients better. I did appreciate the lists of questions listed as examples for helping people discuss their grief narratives. This would be an appropriate book to recommend to future clients or to reference for questions to build off of in sessions.
September 7, 2017
I signed up on a goodreads giveaway for this book because I'm still not ready to lose my 83 year old mother. To be super blunt. Plus she was *supposed to* go through the sacred 'five stages of grief' when my dad died and never really did, so I was happy to see a book debunk the concept of those stages, since I think they're a load of cr*p. So thanks for devoting a whole chapter to that.
Beyond that, this is a well written book with a lot of soul searching questions, and I plan to keep it on my shelf as a resource. So should you.
In case it wasn't clear, I won this from the publisher. ;)
Beyond that, this is a well written book with a lot of soul searching questions, and I plan to keep it on my shelf as a resource. So should you.
In case it wasn't clear, I won this from the publisher. ;)
December 31, 2018
I've read a lot of books on grief since my sister died suddenly three and a half years ago. Many were unhelpful—dogmatic or platitudinal. Some of the memoirs were inspirational in their mirroring of my grief experience. But this one was by far the most helpful in a practical sense. If you want to give a grieving person one book to walk with them through their bereavement and beyond, this is it. It debunks, once and for all, the harmful notion that the goal of grieving is to "get over it" and "move on." Advocating for narrative grief therapy, this books provides grieving hearts with permission to ditch the stages and live into their stories of love and loss.
May 23, 2022
This book speaks to the unending nature of grief, challenging the idea of eventually “completing” the stages of grief. Filled with experience both as a grieving parent of his infant child and counselor of many bereaved clients, the author provides a way forward through grief by embracing complex feelings and providing a framework for processing the narrative between you and the one lost. The grief continues because our love for that person never ends. Extremely practical and helpful for anyone feeling stuck or trying to make sense of continued emotions of grief. Highly recommend for those supporting someone grieving as it gives great insight and advice on what to and not do.
August 23, 2018
There are now oodles of books on grief and loss. Most I would not recommend. This one is an exception. It’s written by a counsellor/therapist whose own world was turned upside down with the death of his infant son. In simple yet profound ways, he explains how he was able to get through his loss yet, admittedly never getting over it, never experiencing ‘closure’ and never feeling like his grief was behind him. His truthful writing is a good companion for those who are suffering.
November 14, 2018
Really, a must-read for anyone approaching middle age or older, or someone who has faced death within their family. Actually I think all leaders/managers should read this book to do right by their team when one of them faces the death of family/friends. Author O'Malley gets us off this "stages of grief" thing which has come to define the grief experience in the popular media. Rather, he promotes our understanding of our grief narrative and how to understand that we grieve because we love.
July 15, 2017
What an extraordinary book! Thoughtful and emotional — and well grounded in history (how we got so positive that grief is experienced as a social calamity) and research (e.g. the paucity behind the Five Stages theory).
For a subset of readers who are experienced therapist, there is also the relief of reading O'Malley's clinical examples and thinking, "He's a really good therapist."
For a subset of readers who are experienced therapist, there is also the relief of reading O'Malley's clinical examples and thinking, "He's a really good therapist."
February 25, 2018
Enlightening
I read this book with great interest and was very touched and convinced by the author’s take on grief. It was personally comforting. And as a professional psychotherapist myself it was encouraging to see that he sees what I see. It gave me reassurance to know I’m on a good track.
Esly Carvalho, Ph.D, author of Heal your Brain, Heal your Body
I read this book with great interest and was very touched and convinced by the author’s take on grief. It was personally comforting. And as a professional psychotherapist myself it was encouraging to see that he sees what I see. It gave me reassurance to know I’m on a good track.
Esly Carvalho, Ph.D, author of Heal your Brain, Heal your Body
April 2, 2019
I found it to be a reassuring look at grief as it is, rather than how it is supposed to be. The author(s) spend much of the book discussing their own grief stories, and explaining how the Stages of Grief that have been broadly accepted should not be looked at literally or linearly. The idea that you "get over" grief is not accurate and can be harmful to those who think they are grieving "wrong."
February 19, 2020
This is the most important book I have ever read on grief.
This is the most important book I have ever read on grief, as well as one of the most important books I have ever read. It is so full of love and empathy. It touched a part of my soul that is so rarely reached. Thank you to the author, I wish there were more people in the world like him.
This is the most important book I have ever read on grief, as well as one of the most important books I have ever read. It is so full of love and empathy. It touched a part of my soul that is so rarely reached. Thank you to the author, I wish there were more people in the world like him.
December 31, 2020
Reading a book about grieving, while freshly grieving was not something I could do. I had to wait a long time before I could finish this book. The point is...you need to grieve...then , you need to reach a point of self-care. For many, early on it's too much to begin to deal with. This book gives valid points that can at some point help, so definitely read it when you're able.
February 1, 2022
Excellent book, comforting in my time of recent loss. The first two or three chapters were a little repetitive in driving the point about giving energy to grief stories and discarding the conventionally prescribed stages of grief. The remainder of the book, however, did an excellent job explaining how to get grief right, be it my own or how I can best support someone else in their grief journey.
September 1, 2023
Read for a “friend” who went through a terrible loss. It’s a good book for a grieving person or a supporter. It throws the 7 step process out the window and focuses on how grief is a function of how much you loved and retelling the story is helpful but it will never go away. Reminder to say the deceased’s name and bring it up to the grieving now and in the future.
April 15, 2025
A different perspective on grief and loss but one that resonates with me as well as others I have talked to. Well written with useful information and practical ways to implement for your own loss journey or others close to you going through loss. Highly recommended!
August 3, 2017
Placeholder
This Should be essential reading. Chapter 12 in particular is something I wish I could mandate for all human beings.
This Should be essential reading. Chapter 12 in particular is something I wish I could mandate for all human beings.
July 29, 2017
Best grief and loss book I have ever read.
January 29, 2018
Excellent. O'Malley rejects the "stages of grief" theory and instead talks about the story of grief. I would recommend it.
March 3, 2018
Good book. Title should be changed. Better title would be Grief: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss. Stop with the getting it right stuff.
March 7, 2020
Really good. One of my top 10 grief books
August 8, 2017
Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss
Ramblings:
Unbeknownst to Sounds True, O'Malley and Madigan, last year I lost a friend to leukemia and my grandfather to a heart-related incident. This book is helping me mourn.
Summary:
Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss, by Patrick O'Malley, Phd. with co-author Tim Madigan, will help readers navigate their sorrow. It includes, among other things, how to journal your three-parted grief narrative, a list of further readings about loss, and guidelines on establishing a grief support group.
Review:
Getting Grief Right is a pragmatic healing tool. It helped me explore my grief stories, and I purchased a journal to record them. The authors helped me recognize environmental triggers which reactivate my grief feelings, and to understand the difference between symptoms of clinical depression versus the deep sorrow of grief.
From the first page to the last I felt...understood. I've experienced the loss of loved ones in ways both "sudden" and "anticipated," and know all too-well about shadow grief. It's hard losing a future we envisioned sharing with a loved one. The authors understand that challenge, but what their book offers most is a healing experience via remembrance.
This is a read I'm recommending to everyone. Yes; I cried quite a bit. It's difficult not to when reading another's narrative. Especially, if you have lived through a similar loss. This is not a book to be read in one or two sittings, as if it were a fiction novel. Consider it a grief workbook. Grief, mourning, and bereavement are not easy subject matters, but this book can help you work through the pain.
You'll like this story if:
You've lost a loved one, or are hurting alongside someone who has. I also feel that psychology and social work majors will benefit from its educational value.
Suggestions:
A glossary of terms would enhance any future revised editions.
Disclosure:
I received a complimentary copy of Getting Grief Right from the publisher, Sounds True, via goodreads, to whom I am deeply grateful. My review is an honest reflection of my thoughts.
Ramblings:
Unbeknownst to Sounds True, O'Malley and Madigan, last year I lost a friend to leukemia and my grandfather to a heart-related incident. This book is helping me mourn.
Summary:
Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss, by Patrick O'Malley, Phd. with co-author Tim Madigan, will help readers navigate their sorrow. It includes, among other things, how to journal your three-parted grief narrative, a list of further readings about loss, and guidelines on establishing a grief support group.
Review:
Getting Grief Right is a pragmatic healing tool. It helped me explore my grief stories, and I purchased a journal to record them. The authors helped me recognize environmental triggers which reactivate my grief feelings, and to understand the difference between symptoms of clinical depression versus the deep sorrow of grief.
From the first page to the last I felt...understood. I've experienced the loss of loved ones in ways both "sudden" and "anticipated," and know all too-well about shadow grief. It's hard losing a future we envisioned sharing with a loved one. The authors understand that challenge, but what their book offers most is a healing experience via remembrance.
This is a read I'm recommending to everyone. Yes; I cried quite a bit. It's difficult not to when reading another's narrative. Especially, if you have lived through a similar loss. This is not a book to be read in one or two sittings, as if it were a fiction novel. Consider it a grief workbook. Grief, mourning, and bereavement are not easy subject matters, but this book can help you work through the pain.
You'll like this story if:
You've lost a loved one, or are hurting alongside someone who has. I also feel that psychology and social work majors will benefit from its educational value.
Suggestions:
A glossary of terms would enhance any future revised editions.
Disclosure:
I received a complimentary copy of Getting Grief Right from the publisher, Sounds True, via goodreads, to whom I am deeply grateful. My review is an honest reflection of my thoughts.
February 12, 2018
A book well needed in a time of grief and sadness. Although my life is back filled with love and laughters, each time we hear a family member or a friend or an admired human being has past away, the sadness comes back high. Reading Getter Grief Right and keeping it near me was a good choice. I can pick up the book and open it in any chapter and words of support will inspire me and help bring back joy in my heart. As O'Malley writes : " The definition of grief is sorrow or mental anguish result from loss... Mourning is a verb that describes the act of expressing griefs."
When I feel sad about a loss, recognizing this feeling puts me into action because it expresses my thoughts.
The book is filled with examples, people like you & me, sharing their feelings about a loss. Reading their stories made me feel comfort and took away the loneliness. It is normal to grief, talk about it, and time does not matter.
A book to keep near always.
When I feel sad about a loss, recognizing this feeling puts me into action because it expresses my thoughts.
The book is filled with examples, people like you & me, sharing their feelings about a loss. Reading their stories made me feel comfort and took away the loneliness. It is normal to grief, talk about it, and time does not matter.
A book to keep near always.
January 14, 2022
1/14/22 A book which gives much needed permission. Each person's grief is unique. Grief is a journey, not a destination or a checklist of stages to mark off.
Want to read
July 24, 2017The right way to grieve? Whatever works for you.
http://www.oklahoman.com/article/5556...
Of all the wisdom about grief imbued by Fort Worth, Texas, psychologist Patrick O'Malley, one bit in particular resonates with me.
He and I are nearing the end of our almost hourlong conversation about his book, “Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss” (Sounds True Paperback Original; $16.95). We've talked about how the death three decades ago of Ryan, his infant son, has helped shape the way he helps clients with their grieving process.
We've talked about the much-discussed five stages of grief, and why way too much focus is put on them. We've talked about what he calls “grief shame,” which people feel when they wonder why they're still grieving.
It's all fascinating and helpful. But questions he sprinkles throughout the book — questions, he says, which “deepen the story” of your own personal grief journey — especially intrigue me, this one in particular:
“I know you miss them. What do you miss about you?”
“I think about a dear friend who died, who thought I was the funniest guy in town,” says O'Malley, who co-wrote the book with journalist Tim Madigan. “Nobody since then has thought that. I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss who I was with him. He was a great audience. Nobody else got it.”
That's what we miss, isn't it? The connection, the conversation, the completion of ourselves.
Whether you're mourning that — and the person who provided it — six weeks or six years or six decades later, you know what? That's normal. Because no matter what others around you may say or feel, no matter how many times you read about those five stages of grief, the way you grieve is the right way.
And that's what O'Malley wants us to know.
“It's not moving to a point of moving on. We're trying to learn to live with the loss. It's integrated into our life story. That doesn't mean it won't change over time; it means that it does.”
“There are periods when it's less intense,” he says, “but you can have an intense day five years, 10 years after. It doesn't matter.”
Telling story is therapy
O'Malley became especially interested in grief when he was, as he says, “a baby new therapist at an age too young to practice, 27, and I was kind of full of myself. It was 1979, and my son was born in '80 and died in '81, and I became overwhelmed with folks coming to me for grief.”
Initially, he used the five stages of grief identified by Elisbeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But, he says, she was talking about dying people, not grieving. “By that time, the notion of steps had morphed into grieving people because they were easy and simple and offered focus into a disorienting experience.”
Not to take anything away from Kubler-Ross, he says. But those five stages, “weren't happening for me. I went to therapy a couple of times and was really starting to feel what many people feel: that I wasn't getting it right.”
Then in 1989, he had a client named Scott whose father had died. The two had had a business together and saw each other every day. After his father's death, Scott began to drink more, and his wife and pastor urged him to seek help. O'Malley started by asking Scott whether he'd heard about the five stages of grief. Scott said this sounded “like mumbo jumbo.”
“Come to think of it,” O'Malley answered, “maybe it is.”
He asked Scott about his father, and Scott started talking until the session ended. A week later, he picked up where he'd left off. When he told O'Malley about the last time he saw his father, he started to cry. Writes O'Malley: “There are no theories or diagnoses needed here. Scott is doing exactly what he needs to do.”
“Telling his story was his therapy.”
Not long after meeting Scott, O'Malley himself saw a therapist — to see, he told the older gentleman, how he was doing with his grief over Ryan's death. The therapist instead asked O'Malley to talk about his infant son.
His own experience and Scott's were the beginning of his new way to look at grief. As O'Malley writes, “It soon dawned on me that, through their stories, my clients were being liberated from external rules or expectations and thus could grieve in a more natural way.”
He jokes that he gets a lot of “high-achiever grievers. They want to make sure they're not missing a beat, that they're getting it right.” But, he adds, the book's title “is paradoxical. There's not a great way to grieve. It's about whatever speed the grief process is.”
When O'Malley wrote about grief in a New York Times essay, he obviously hit a nerve. For the next month, it was the website's No. 12 emailed story and was shared on Facebook an astounding 90,000 times.
“What the article did was decrease the isolation a lot of folks felt,” O'Malley says.
There are, he reminds us, all kinds of grief, all sorts of losses — pets included — and a myriad ways we deal with it all. The book has a section about what he calls “complicated attachments.” Maybe the person who died was abusive, or the two of you — despite being in the same family — weren't close.
“Folks come to my office, ashamed to say ‘I feel some relief,' ” O'Malley says. Maybe that's because the person had been sick for a long time or the relationship was a difficult one. In the case of the latter, he says: “It's not quite as simple as you're glad they're dead.” Maybe “it was just a hard, hard relationship. For complex relationships, grief about what they didn't have becomes the focus.”
Tips on dealing with grief
Listen to what your feelings are telling you: “A frequent thing I say, rather than ‘Here's what to expect,' is ‘Be careful to not be self-critical about what you feel. Be curious, but not self-critical.' In our culture, so much of the time, grief shifts into being self-critical: ‘What's wrong with me? I can't believe it's been — six months, a year — and I'm having a hard time getting out of bed.' That can get in the way of the experience. Being sad is hard enough without being self-critical about it.”
Be gentle on yourself: “A fellow came to see me this morning,” O'Malley says. “His spouse died in May and he said, ‘I don't understand why I am so emotional.' I said, ‘Simple translation: We don't grieve what we're not attached to. This is your story of love.' Immediately you could see the look in his face of relief.” We live in a “culture of positivity,” he says. That can make grieving people feel uncomfortable when well-meaning loved ones say things like “You're holding up really well,” or “He's in a much better place.” Sad is OK.
Write: “You honor yourself and the one you lost by carving time out of your day or week,” O'Malley suggests in the book. “Find a calm, peaceful environment where you can reflect on and express the emotions of your loss.”
Tips for helping others
Acknowledge the death: “There are a lot of assumptions of ‘I don't want to make them feel worse.' But for most people,” O'Malley says, “they just want to hear their loved one's name mentioned. It's better to approach than to avoid.”
Make sure you're calling a month later: “Connect to let the person know you are there,” he says. “The days are long and the nights are long and there's the pain of the absence of someone.” Send a text or an email, just to let them know you haven't forgotten.
Encourage them to talk ... or not: Ask about the person they lost. What was a favorite trip they took together? What do they miss most about their loved one?
Tribune News Service
http://www.oklahoman.com/article/5556...
Of all the wisdom about grief imbued by Fort Worth, Texas, psychologist Patrick O'Malley, one bit in particular resonates with me.
He and I are nearing the end of our almost hourlong conversation about his book, “Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss” (Sounds True Paperback Original; $16.95). We've talked about how the death three decades ago of Ryan, his infant son, has helped shape the way he helps clients with their grieving process.
We've talked about the much-discussed five stages of grief, and why way too much focus is put on them. We've talked about what he calls “grief shame,” which people feel when they wonder why they're still grieving.
It's all fascinating and helpful. But questions he sprinkles throughout the book — questions, he says, which “deepen the story” of your own personal grief journey — especially intrigue me, this one in particular:
“I know you miss them. What do you miss about you?”
“I think about a dear friend who died, who thought I was the funniest guy in town,” says O'Malley, who co-wrote the book with journalist Tim Madigan. “Nobody since then has thought that. I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss who I was with him. He was a great audience. Nobody else got it.”
That's what we miss, isn't it? The connection, the conversation, the completion of ourselves.
Whether you're mourning that — and the person who provided it — six weeks or six years or six decades later, you know what? That's normal. Because no matter what others around you may say or feel, no matter how many times you read about those five stages of grief, the way you grieve is the right way.
And that's what O'Malley wants us to know.
“It's not moving to a point of moving on. We're trying to learn to live with the loss. It's integrated into our life story. That doesn't mean it won't change over time; it means that it does.”
“There are periods when it's less intense,” he says, “but you can have an intense day five years, 10 years after. It doesn't matter.”
Telling story is therapy
O'Malley became especially interested in grief when he was, as he says, “a baby new therapist at an age too young to practice, 27, and I was kind of full of myself. It was 1979, and my son was born in '80 and died in '81, and I became overwhelmed with folks coming to me for grief.”
Initially, he used the five stages of grief identified by Elisbeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But, he says, she was talking about dying people, not grieving. “By that time, the notion of steps had morphed into grieving people because they were easy and simple and offered focus into a disorienting experience.”
Not to take anything away from Kubler-Ross, he says. But those five stages, “weren't happening for me. I went to therapy a couple of times and was really starting to feel what many people feel: that I wasn't getting it right.”
Then in 1989, he had a client named Scott whose father had died. The two had had a business together and saw each other every day. After his father's death, Scott began to drink more, and his wife and pastor urged him to seek help. O'Malley started by asking Scott whether he'd heard about the five stages of grief. Scott said this sounded “like mumbo jumbo.”
“Come to think of it,” O'Malley answered, “maybe it is.”
He asked Scott about his father, and Scott started talking until the session ended. A week later, he picked up where he'd left off. When he told O'Malley about the last time he saw his father, he started to cry. Writes O'Malley: “There are no theories or diagnoses needed here. Scott is doing exactly what he needs to do.”
“Telling his story was his therapy.”
Not long after meeting Scott, O'Malley himself saw a therapist — to see, he told the older gentleman, how he was doing with his grief over Ryan's death. The therapist instead asked O'Malley to talk about his infant son.
His own experience and Scott's were the beginning of his new way to look at grief. As O'Malley writes, “It soon dawned on me that, through their stories, my clients were being liberated from external rules or expectations and thus could grieve in a more natural way.”
He jokes that he gets a lot of “high-achiever grievers. They want to make sure they're not missing a beat, that they're getting it right.” But, he adds, the book's title “is paradoxical. There's not a great way to grieve. It's about whatever speed the grief process is.”
When O'Malley wrote about grief in a New York Times essay, he obviously hit a nerve. For the next month, it was the website's No. 12 emailed story and was shared on Facebook an astounding 90,000 times.
“What the article did was decrease the isolation a lot of folks felt,” O'Malley says.
There are, he reminds us, all kinds of grief, all sorts of losses — pets included — and a myriad ways we deal with it all. The book has a section about what he calls “complicated attachments.” Maybe the person who died was abusive, or the two of you — despite being in the same family — weren't close.
“Folks come to my office, ashamed to say ‘I feel some relief,' ” O'Malley says. Maybe that's because the person had been sick for a long time or the relationship was a difficult one. In the case of the latter, he says: “It's not quite as simple as you're glad they're dead.” Maybe “it was just a hard, hard relationship. For complex relationships, grief about what they didn't have becomes the focus.”
Tips on dealing with grief
Listen to what your feelings are telling you: “A frequent thing I say, rather than ‘Here's what to expect,' is ‘Be careful to not be self-critical about what you feel. Be curious, but not self-critical.' In our culture, so much of the time, grief shifts into being self-critical: ‘What's wrong with me? I can't believe it's been — six months, a year — and I'm having a hard time getting out of bed.' That can get in the way of the experience. Being sad is hard enough without being self-critical about it.”
Be gentle on yourself: “A fellow came to see me this morning,” O'Malley says. “His spouse died in May and he said, ‘I don't understand why I am so emotional.' I said, ‘Simple translation: We don't grieve what we're not attached to. This is your story of love.' Immediately you could see the look in his face of relief.” We live in a “culture of positivity,” he says. That can make grieving people feel uncomfortable when well-meaning loved ones say things like “You're holding up really well,” or “He's in a much better place.” Sad is OK.
Write: “You honor yourself and the one you lost by carving time out of your day or week,” O'Malley suggests in the book. “Find a calm, peaceful environment where you can reflect on and express the emotions of your loss.”
Tips for helping others
Acknowledge the death: “There are a lot of assumptions of ‘I don't want to make them feel worse.' But for most people,” O'Malley says, “they just want to hear their loved one's name mentioned. It's better to approach than to avoid.”
Make sure you're calling a month later: “Connect to let the person know you are there,” he says. “The days are long and the nights are long and there's the pain of the absence of someone.” Send a text or an email, just to let them know you haven't forgotten.
Encourage them to talk ... or not: Ask about the person they lost. What was a favorite trip they took together? What do they miss most about their loved one?
Tribune News Service
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews