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Scared Selfless: My Journey from Abuse and Madness to Surviving and Thriving
Michelle Stevens has a photo of the exact moment her childhood was stolen from her. In it, she's only eight years old and posing for her mother's beguiling boyfriend, Gary Lundquist an elementary school teacher, neighborhood stalwart, and brutal pedophile. Later that night, Gary locks Michelle in a cage, tortures her repeatedly, and uses her to quench his voracious and deviant sexual whims.
Michelle can also pinpoint the moment she reconstituted the splintered pieces of her life. Just a few years after being confined to a mental hospital and at the mercy of an alternate personality who kept trolling for sadistic men, she's in cap and gown receiving her Ph.D. in psychology and the university's award for best dissertation.
The distance between these two points is the improbable journey from torture, loss, and mental illness to recovery that is Michelle Stevens' powerful memoir, Scared Selfless.
Gary Lundquist kept Michelle as his sex slave for six years. During that time, he waged a campaign of unimaginable cruelty. He pimped her out to countless men for prostitution and forced her to perform in kiddie porn when it was legal and shown in Times Square.
It took fifteen years, three hospitalizations, and multiple suicide attempts for Michelle to work through Gary's dark legacy. She suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, and developed multiple personalities. There was Chelsey, the rebellious teenager who told her boss to shove it; Vicious, a tween with homicidal rage; and Sarah, a sweet little girl who brought her teddy bear on a first date.
In this harrowing yet unflinching look at her own experience, Michelle, who was inspired to help others heal by becoming a psychotherapist, sheds light on the all-too-real threat of child sexual abuse and the psychological effects on its victims and best methods for healing, based on her own struggle with PTSD and dissociative identity disorder (more commonly known as multiple personality disorder). Scared Selfless is an examination at the extraordinary and inexplicable feats of the mind in the face of unspeakably horrifying trauma and the story of Michelle's courageous road to healing, recovery, and triumph.
Michelle can also pinpoint the moment she reconstituted the splintered pieces of her life. Just a few years after being confined to a mental hospital and at the mercy of an alternate personality who kept trolling for sadistic men, she's in cap and gown receiving her Ph.D. in psychology and the university's award for best dissertation.
The distance between these two points is the improbable journey from torture, loss, and mental illness to recovery that is Michelle Stevens' powerful memoir, Scared Selfless.
Gary Lundquist kept Michelle as his sex slave for six years. During that time, he waged a campaign of unimaginable cruelty. He pimped her out to countless men for prostitution and forced her to perform in kiddie porn when it was legal and shown in Times Square.
It took fifteen years, three hospitalizations, and multiple suicide attempts for Michelle to work through Gary's dark legacy. She suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, and developed multiple personalities. There was Chelsey, the rebellious teenager who told her boss to shove it; Vicious, a tween with homicidal rage; and Sarah, a sweet little girl who brought her teddy bear on a first date.
In this harrowing yet unflinching look at her own experience, Michelle, who was inspired to help others heal by becoming a psychotherapist, sheds light on the all-too-real threat of child sexual abuse and the psychological effects on its victims and best methods for healing, based on her own struggle with PTSD and dissociative identity disorder (more commonly known as multiple personality disorder). Scared Selfless is an examination at the extraordinary and inexplicable feats of the mind in the face of unspeakably horrifying trauma and the story of Michelle's courageous road to healing, recovery, and triumph.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published March 21, 2017
256 people are currently reading
2521 people want to read
About the author
Michelle Stevens
1 book61 followersDr. Michelle Stevens, a psychologist, is the founder and director of Post-Traumatic Success, a nonprofit organization dedicated to educating and inspiring those affected by psychological trauma. She studied writing at New York University before earning her doctorate in psychology from Saybrook University, where her thesis was honored as the Dissertation of Distinction. Stevens has presented her research to the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation and the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, where she also received an award for Outstanding Research. She works with survivors around the globe, encouraging them to heal, grow, and fight for better lives.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 198 reviews
April 6, 2017
What an amazing book! I was abused as a kid and, for the first time in my life, I feel like I understand myself. This book is a gift to anyone who has ever suffered any kind of trauma. It helps the victim understand him- or herself, and it helps others to understand victims. I hope my wife will read this book. I think it will help her understand me better and probably help our marriage.
January 4, 2020
This is tough to give this book a poor rating, because this is tragic story of a woman's life as she remembers it. For the things Steven states she experienced, I can feel nothing except extreme compassion. As a reader, I have an individual reaction to how I received her story as a book, and this was not a read I enjoyed at all.
Michelle's story was recommended to me as a possible resource for survivors of violence because I volunteer with RAINN and a few connected women's groups. Others might read this book and come away with a different perspective than I have, but I personally did NOT find Michelle's story to be an inspiring story of a woman's journey of healing. It didn't even really document a journey of recovery from personality disorders and addictions, but rather extensively expressed the pain and distruction of Steven's life. In fact, up until around 95% of the book, Steven hadn't found any real healing. She was hospitalized once again in the final portion of the book, but she never really went into detail about how or why she had a miraculous breakthrough. At no point did she never fully explained what brought about her healing.
Stevens has several personality disorders, including borderline personality and DID, and that was often very evident in how she wrote about people. Everyone was always out to get her; everyone was incredibly cruel to her. She goes into great detail how every single person who came into her life (be it a nurse or a teacher or a friend) managed to treat her with absolute, almost ridiculous contempt. I won't question the validity of her story or her how she remembers people interacting with her, because I'm sure that's reality as she perceives it. As a reader, I personally disconnected with the story, it read as sometimes a bit duplicitous or exaggerated at times. Some aspects of her story just didn't add up to me, and the severity of her abuse often seemed...contrived? HOWEVER, under NO circumstances do I feel it's my place or anyone else's to weigh the truth or lies of another person's life story.
What I can weigh in on is how inspiring or triggering this story might be. Stevens sometimes goes into uncomfortable detail about her abuse, but I never really connected the dots or saw a clear path of how she "recovered" or found a way to thrive. She just informs us in the final pages that she is indeed thriving and is now a therapist for others (a slightly alarming prospect, quite frankly). There are multiple examples of profound books that document the healing progression of people with psyche disorders (one of my favorites being I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, which is based on the author's own journey of recovering from schizophrenia and multiple-personality disorders.) "Scared Selfless" just never had a real character arc. However, it seems to me the act of retelling her memories was cathartic, so I applaud Stevens for that.
There are some things I think people who are interested in psychology might appreciate in this book: Stevens explains what it's like to live with DID (multiple personalities/dissociative identification disorder), and how those personalities formed. I'm still really quite confused with how DID works and why Stevens apparently had complete awareness of her all personalities etc, but quite frankly, DID is something that is still mind boggling to behavioralists and psychologists to this day.
What this book does successfully do, however, is draw awareness of how easily pedophiles can prey on their targets. It's a wake up call to parents to be incredibly, constantly vigilant.
Overall, this just was a miss for me, and not a book that I would recommend to the women in the groups I volunteer for. My rating doesn't reflect my opinion of Michelle Stevens or her life, but rather my ability as an individual reader to connect with her story. I think other people will (and have) read this memoir and have very different feelings about it.
Michelle's story was recommended to me as a possible resource for survivors of violence because I volunteer with RAINN and a few connected women's groups. Others might read this book and come away with a different perspective than I have, but I personally did NOT find Michelle's story to be an inspiring story of a woman's journey of healing. It didn't even really document a journey of recovery from personality disorders and addictions, but rather extensively expressed the pain and distruction of Steven's life. In fact, up until around 95% of the book, Steven hadn't found any real healing. She was hospitalized once again in the final portion of the book, but she never really went into detail about how or why she had a miraculous breakthrough. At no point did she never fully explained what brought about her healing.
Stevens has several personality disorders, including borderline personality and DID, and that was often very evident in how she wrote about people. Everyone was always out to get her; everyone was incredibly cruel to her. She goes into great detail how every single person who came into her life (be it a nurse or a teacher or a friend) managed to treat her with absolute, almost ridiculous contempt. I won't question the validity of her story or her how she remembers people interacting with her, because I'm sure that's reality as she perceives it. As a reader, I personally disconnected with the story, it read as sometimes a bit duplicitous or exaggerated at times. Some aspects of her story just didn't add up to me, and the severity of her abuse often seemed...contrived? HOWEVER, under NO circumstances do I feel it's my place or anyone else's to weigh the truth or lies of another person's life story.
What I can weigh in on is how inspiring or triggering this story might be. Stevens sometimes goes into uncomfortable detail about her abuse, but I never really connected the dots or saw a clear path of how she "recovered" or found a way to thrive. She just informs us in the final pages that she is indeed thriving and is now a therapist for others (a slightly alarming prospect, quite frankly). There are multiple examples of profound books that document the healing progression of people with psyche disorders (one of my favorites being I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, which is based on the author's own journey of recovering from schizophrenia and multiple-personality disorders.) "Scared Selfless" just never had a real character arc. However, it seems to me the act of retelling her memories was cathartic, so I applaud Stevens for that.
There are some things I think people who are interested in psychology might appreciate in this book: Stevens explains what it's like to live with DID (multiple personalities/dissociative identification disorder), and how those personalities formed. I'm still really quite confused with how DID works and why Stevens apparently had complete awareness of her all personalities etc, but quite frankly, DID is something that is still mind boggling to behavioralists and psychologists to this day.
What this book does successfully do, however, is draw awareness of how easily pedophiles can prey on their targets. It's a wake up call to parents to be incredibly, constantly vigilant.
Overall, this just was a miss for me, and not a book that I would recommend to the women in the groups I volunteer for. My rating doesn't reflect my opinion of Michelle Stevens or her life, but rather my ability as an individual reader to connect with her story. I think other people will (and have) read this memoir and have very different feelings about it.
February 6, 2017
When I was handed a galley of this book by a dear friend of mine, I didn't think much of it: I'm a magazine editor and see lots and lots of galleys and books. But once I picked this up, I literally could not put it down. The author recounts some of the most horrific abuse I have ever encountered in a book or on the big or little screen. And as much as I recoiled at the details—as much as it hurt to read what was done to the author as a young, innocent girl—I felt profoundly inspired by the author's courage and ability to shine a light on what few have survived...and even fewer have survived psychologically intact enough to then turn and expose. This book is a good in the world—brave and strong and true. I only hope it inspires more women to step out of the shadows and expose evil to the light of truth.
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May 27, 2017This book is changing my life. I am just now opening up and started therapy. And to help me open up i went on a man hunt at barns and nobles to find a book to help. And already being a huge fan of Dave Peltzer, I looked at books in the same sections. I started to read Scared Selfless and didn't think I would be able to read the whole thing. It was to much for me and being a VERY emotional person i felt so hard for Michelle. When I got to Consequences I began to underlining your words. It was ME. You were telling me who I am, Why Im that way and its not my fault. So now Im almost done the books and only 3 sessions in with my therapist, but you have helped me in more ways then you will ever now by being as brave as you are. You opened up my eyes in so many differents ways. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Samantha Wheeler <3
February 14, 2018
Now this was mostly one hell of a disturbing and depressing book, and I hesitate to say I "enjoyed" it as the root subject matter - a young girl forced into sexual abuse (accompanied by prostitution and pornography involvement) and then her later struggles with her mental health - will rightly sound horrific to some readers. However, Dr. Stevens writes about her life experiences with a comfortable, almost conversational style that even includes some effective humor on occasion. I was riveted by her story -- see-sawing between feelings of anger, disgust, and sadness -- and finished the book in just two days.
The abuse that happened to her starting when she was eight years old was unthinkable, and medical system that largely failed to provide adequate assistance to her as an adult was unacceptable. Thankfully she survived, she persevered, and I'm glad she had the chance and the courage to tell her story.
The abuse that happened to her starting when she was eight years old was unthinkable, and medical system that largely failed to provide adequate assistance to her as an adult was unacceptable. Thankfully she survived, she persevered, and I'm glad she had the chance and the courage to tell her story.
April 26, 2018
4.5 stars Especially fascinating because the author became a therapist and is able to offer unique insights into her horrific situation and the monster responsible for it. It’s also very well-written.
March 4, 2017
I have to admit that I started reading this with a great deal of trepidation and, yes, I did feel alternately sad, sickened, and angered by what I read; ultimately, however, Mooch's story evokes awe that she was able to come through such traumatic experiences and achieve the happiness and success that she has.
(And Mooch, if by chance you read this, I want you to know that you rocked your role in The Bad Seed. You and Marah were a formidable pair as the leads.)
(And Mooch, if by chance you read this, I want you to know that you rocked your role in The Bad Seed. You and Marah were a formidable pair as the leads.)
July 14, 2017
The author's note at the beginning asks the reader to stick through the hard parts of the book because its worth it. I am so glad Michelle added that because I really did have trouble through the graphic, grotesque and gut wrenching horrific acts and situations that her stepfather and other adults put her through and I might have put it down otherwise. When she got mad at the adults in her life, I got mad at the adults in her life. WHY DID NO ONE RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS AND STOP IT? Ugh.
But oh, Michelle. Michelle is a fighter. She is a warrior. She preserves and has come so far and I closed the book on a good note because through her story she educates and inspires others who have gone through what she has gone through. She is a good therapists because she knows exactly how it feels to have a bad therapist, etc. I am in awe of her and the way she has taken what happened to her and turned it around to assist others. Just wow.
But oh, Michelle. Michelle is a fighter. She is a warrior. She preserves and has come so far and I closed the book on a good note because through her story she educates and inspires others who have gone through what she has gone through. She is a good therapists because she knows exactly how it feels to have a bad therapist, etc. I am in awe of her and the way she has taken what happened to her and turned it around to assist others. Just wow.
June 9, 2017
This book is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Michelle Stevens, who is now Dr. Stevens, a psychologist, shares her harrowing story of childhood abuse and her journey to healing and helping others. It is well-written, a page-turner, and an inspiration. Once I started reading her book, I could not put it down.
May 26, 2018
It is hard to describe how important this book was to me. Working as a psychologist myself, this was like finding the famous needle in the haystack. When I stumbled upon it on audible, i knew it was about trauma, but I had no idea that it also was about multiple personality disorder and that the author (a psychotherapist) was the one sharing her story. When I first listened to it, my boyfriend heard the first chapter too. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stomach the horrible abuse Stevens has experienced as he started to think about his own daughters. For me, it was impossible to put down. It was such an emotional journey, taking me from despair to horror and then hope. There has been such a long time since a book managed to evoke these feelings in me, and I realized one thing: Humans must keep searching for stories like these. When you realize there’s always hope. That we truly are survivors, no matter what we’ve experienced. I will take this book with me in all conversations with my lovely clients from now on. And if I ever feel hopelessness, or that I can’t offer anything more, I shall remember that is just not true. By loving what you do and remembering why you do it, we can all change lives. Ourselves and others.
Thank you Stevens, for sharing your story.
Thank you Stevens, for sharing your story.
April 8, 2020
"What parents should fear are acquaintance molesters, because acquaintances are the biggest culprits of child abuse. But that gets sticky, as these people are our teachers, Cub Scout leaders, friends, neighbors... They're everywhere our children are. And they look and act like us. The typical acquaintance molester chooses his home, spouse, career, hobbies, his entire life based on the singular goal of gaining access to children... for the acquaintance molester, having sex with children is a lifelong professional pursuit."
Gary Lundquist was your typical acquaintance molester.
He was an elementary school teacher, small shop owner and lifelong sadist pedophile who prayed on young children and ultimately set his eyes on exploiting eight-year old Michelle Stevens after seeing her in his shop. His pursuit to get to Michelle was to date her mother and eventually move them into his home, which turned out to be an easy task that took only two months as her mother was poor and naive (and as we soon find out, she was quite a terrible and sick human being herself). The next six years were an absolute living hell for Michelle, as she is robbed of her childhood and constantly tortured, molested and sold for sex to hundreds of johns as Gary's personal "sex slave." This memoir was chilling to say the least and I applaud Michelle for sharing her story.
Review-wise, I found the second half of the book pretty dull. Every time Michelle shared a story from her past, she followed it up with an analysis of the event. This became a bit much and detracted from the flow of the story. She spent a lot of time defending and overanalyzing her multiple personality disorder and overexplaining how each personality manifested itself when just showing this would have been more than enough, and preferable. The memoir would have been a lot stronger if the analyses were left for the end of the book, or even the end of a chapter, but instead, every other page was followed up by some sort of analysis. It really detracted from the memoir style (especially towards the end) and became more like reading a dissertation. I'll also point out that we never find out what happened with Michelle's mom and if she ever went to jail for almost acting as an accomplice to Gary.
Overall, I'm really glad I read this memoir. It's on a topic that both terrifies and disgusts me, but one that needs to be more talked about as the reality is that millions of children are sexually abused a year by acquaintance molesters (60% of cases), family members (30% of cases) and strangers (10% of cases). And just like Michelle's story shows, these traumatic experiences can lead to depression, anxiety, PSTD and several other disorders which interfere with one's ability to lead a normal life.
Gary Lundquist was your typical acquaintance molester.
He was an elementary school teacher, small shop owner and lifelong sadist pedophile who prayed on young children and ultimately set his eyes on exploiting eight-year old Michelle Stevens after seeing her in his shop. His pursuit to get to Michelle was to date her mother and eventually move them into his home, which turned out to be an easy task that took only two months as her mother was poor and naive (and as we soon find out, she was quite a terrible and sick human being herself). The next six years were an absolute living hell for Michelle, as she is robbed of her childhood and constantly tortured, molested and sold for sex to hundreds of johns as Gary's personal "sex slave." This memoir was chilling to say the least and I applaud Michelle for sharing her story.
Review-wise, I found the second half of the book pretty dull. Every time Michelle shared a story from her past, she followed it up with an analysis of the event. This became a bit much and detracted from the flow of the story. She spent a lot of time defending and overanalyzing her multiple personality disorder and overexplaining how each personality manifested itself when just showing this would have been more than enough, and preferable. The memoir would have been a lot stronger if the analyses were left for the end of the book, or even the end of a chapter, but instead, every other page was followed up by some sort of analysis. It really detracted from the memoir style (especially towards the end) and became more like reading a dissertation. I'll also point out that we never find out what happened with Michelle's mom and if she ever went to jail for almost acting as an accomplice to Gary.
Overall, I'm really glad I read this memoir. It's on a topic that both terrifies and disgusts me, but one that needs to be more talked about as the reality is that millions of children are sexually abused a year by acquaintance molesters (60% of cases), family members (30% of cases) and strangers (10% of cases). And just like Michelle's story shows, these traumatic experiences can lead to depression, anxiety, PSTD and several other disorders which interfere with one's ability to lead a normal life.
April 22, 2017
The book raised more questions than it answered. Initially Michelle as an eight-year old spent a 3-day weekend with Gary and his friends where she was raped and tortured, yet her mother apparently never saw the signs of it. I suspect having a pole rammed repeatedly into the genitals would cause severe damage and bleeding in anyone, not just a child. There are many similar episodes to this that the adults in Michelle's life apparently didn't question.
Michelle's alternate personalities are given a very superficial explanation, not what I would expect from a Ph.D in psychology. And I wonder how Gary got away with this for his whole life since Michelle wasn't his only victim. There wasn't a single picture of Gary in the book and I couldn't find one by googling.
I saw Michelle on the Dr. Phil show and that's why I read the book. Ultimately I'm still more puzzled by her story than convinced.
Michelle's alternate personalities are given a very superficial explanation, not what I would expect from a Ph.D in psychology. And I wonder how Gary got away with this for his whole life since Michelle wasn't his only victim. There wasn't a single picture of Gary in the book and I couldn't find one by googling.
I saw Michelle on the Dr. Phil show and that's why I read the book. Ultimately I'm still more puzzled by her story than convinced.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 14, 2017
This book was difficult for me to get through at times and I would have to set it aside. Not because it was not an interesting story, quite the opposite but the abuse this poor person suffered was so horrendous it actually left me feeling sick. When the author was a young girl her mother decided to marry Garry Lindquist against her daughter's advice. Michelle knew there was something not right with Gary and how evil he was would soon be revealed to her. For six years he raped her, passed her around a pedophile ring, and forced her to be bound and filmed in children pornography. Aside from out right killing her I don't know how much worse he could have treated her. The whole time her mother turned a blind eye to her daughter's suffering. To cope with the abuse she endured Michelle developed multiple personalities and buried her memories into her subconscious. The last part of the book is about how she dealt with the past and finally healed emotionally from her child hood trauma.
I had so many thoughts about this book. First I am disgusted by the sheer number of men that want to have sex with children. It is one of the most disturbing things I can think of. What is wrong with these people? Thankfully attitudes have changed from the 70's when this kind of thing was not openly targeted by police. I don't think the perverts have stopped their sick pursuits of kids though. I live in the same state as Disney World and when central Florida does a sting you would be surprised by how many men into pedophilia work at Disney World.
My other thoughts about this book had to deal with the poor state of getting mental health in this country. Too many untrained and uncaring therapists are hanging up a shingle. It should not take seeing eight therapist to get real help for a victim of sexual trauma. First Michelle was made a victim by the men who raped her but the teachers in her school and eventually many of her therapists made the situation worse not better. People need to be able to get good mental health in this country and they should not be stigmatized for doing so.
Michelle, through years of hard work and several stints in a mental hospital, finally recovered enough to have a healthy loving relationship with her partner and child. I would have liked to hear more about what happened with her relationship with her mother and the fate of another of Gary's abuse victims who actually developed AIDS from what was done to her. I would like to report that Gary got what was coming to him in a court of law but life is not always neat and tidy like that. He did however get a sort of cosmic justice in the end. I hope there is peace for Michelle and all of his other victims.
I had so many thoughts about this book. First I am disgusted by the sheer number of men that want to have sex with children. It is one of the most disturbing things I can think of. What is wrong with these people? Thankfully attitudes have changed from the 70's when this kind of thing was not openly targeted by police. I don't think the perverts have stopped their sick pursuits of kids though. I live in the same state as Disney World and when central Florida does a sting you would be surprised by how many men into pedophilia work at Disney World.
My other thoughts about this book had to deal with the poor state of getting mental health in this country. Too many untrained and uncaring therapists are hanging up a shingle. It should not take seeing eight therapist to get real help for a victim of sexual trauma. First Michelle was made a victim by the men who raped her but the teachers in her school and eventually many of her therapists made the situation worse not better. People need to be able to get good mental health in this country and they should not be stigmatized for doing so.
Michelle, through years of hard work and several stints in a mental hospital, finally recovered enough to have a healthy loving relationship with her partner and child. I would have liked to hear more about what happened with her relationship with her mother and the fate of another of Gary's abuse victims who actually developed AIDS from what was done to her. I would like to report that Gary got what was coming to him in a court of law but life is not always neat and tidy like that. He did however get a sort of cosmic justice in the end. I hope there is peace for Michelle and all of his other victims.
March 22, 2017
I couldn't put this book down. It's a shockingly detailed experience of a child molestation victim who was captured, brainwashed and and tortured. What kept me reading though was the deep psychological insight Michelle Stevens offers and her determination to uncover truth and ultimately find inner peace and happiness. Her writing style is personal yet strangely multifaceted, quickly diving from one voice to another, which brings the reader - brought me - straight into her world. Brilliantly written. Highly recommend!
February 2, 2017
This books takes readers--took me--on perhaps the most heroic journey I can recall traveling in a book. The victim of horrendous childhood sexual abuse from her pedophile stepfather, she documents in luminous detail the passages she moves through, and ultimately her search to understand leads her not only to the therapist's office but to study her own experiences and psyche in earning her PhD, driven not only to understand and heal herself but to start her on the mission she is on now, to help educate and inspire those affected by psychological trauma. An improbable journey from torture, loss, and mental illness to healing, recovery, and triumph--this is Dr. Michelle Stevens' powerful and timely memoir, Scared Selfless.
I read this in galley form and the book will not be for sale in the retail market until March 21, but I could not recommend this highly enough and it is very much worth pre-ordering.
I read this in galley form and the book will not be for sale in the retail market until March 21, but I could not recommend this highly enough and it is very much worth pre-ordering.
May 5, 2019
Great info
Great info and story to help any abuse survivor, especially people who experienced, or think they might have experienced, sexual abuse as a child.
Great info and story to help any abuse survivor, especially people who experienced, or think they might have experienced, sexual abuse as a child.
March 29, 2017
Full review coming later.
Update: Yesterday, I said I couldn't finish this book. Today, I woke up thinking about Michelle, her experiences, and her reason for writing this book. I didn't feel right not finishing it. I did skim the first couple chapters that detailed her abuse and started thoroughly reading again in the second part of the book. I'm currently on page 145. The writer actually reached out to me and encouraged me to finish the book (which was pretty cool), and I will. Even though it is hard to read in parts, I think it's an important book to finish. I don't have all of my thoughts gathered yet, but I plan to update this book again.
I actually couldn't finish this book. I took several psychology classes (enough for a minor) in college because I'm interested in how the human mind works -- normally and abnormally. This often leads me to the psychology/memoir genre without much though. Most of the time, I don't even read the inside cover when I pick them up. This is one of those books. I saw Ph.D on the cover and said "yep" and threw it on the pile. But as someone with a light interest in psychology, I couldn't stomach the themes in this particular book. It was very, very graphic. The author wrote in her forward that it would be because society needs to have a better understanding of themes in this book and not put it out of mind, but I wasn't prepared for it. I commend the writer for writing about her experiences in this book and her dissertation, and I'm sure people pursuing child psychology will find this first hand account of abuse integral to their research.
Update: Yesterday, I said I couldn't finish this book. Today, I woke up thinking about Michelle, her experiences, and her reason for writing this book. I didn't feel right not finishing it. I did skim the first couple chapters that detailed her abuse and started thoroughly reading again in the second part of the book. I'm currently on page 145. The writer actually reached out to me and encouraged me to finish the book (which was pretty cool), and I will. Even though it is hard to read in parts, I think it's an important book to finish. I don't have all of my thoughts gathered yet, but I plan to update this book again.
I actually couldn't finish this book. I took several psychology classes (enough for a minor) in college because I'm interested in how the human mind works -- normally and abnormally. This often leads me to the psychology/memoir genre without much though. Most of the time, I don't even read the inside cover when I pick them up. This is one of those books. I saw Ph.D on the cover and said "yep" and threw it on the pile. But as someone with a light interest in psychology, I couldn't stomach the themes in this particular book. It was very, very graphic. The author wrote in her forward that it would be because society needs to have a better understanding of themes in this book and not put it out of mind, but I wasn't prepared for it. I commend the writer for writing about her experiences in this book and her dissertation, and I'm sure people pursuing child psychology will find this first hand account of abuse integral to their research.
March 5, 2017
Scared Selfless: My Journey From Abuse and Madness to Surviving and Thriving is completely unique. It is a hybrid between a memoir and a self-help book. So, on one hand, it is an exciting, emotional, and inspiring personal story that is nearly impossible to put down. On the other hand, it is a psychology book that puts all of the action in the story into context. The combination works incredibly well, because the reader gets to both feel and understand abuse, trauma, and mental illness.
When Stevens was just eight years old, her mother started living with an elementary school teacher. Unbeknownst to them, Gary Lundquist was also a sadistic pedophile who molested hundreds of children. The minute Stevens moved in, Gary turned her into his personal sex slave. He tortured her, trafficked her in a child sex ring, and forced her to perform in kiddie porn.
As a result of the abuse, Stevens developed a lot of mental problems. She was depressed, attempting suicide for the first time at the age of thirteen. She also developed PTSD and multiple personalities.
After she escaped from Gary and the child sex ring, Stevens tried to lead a normal life, but the psychological effects of childhood trauma got in the way. Stevens tried for years to find help through the mental healthcare system, but her efforts were thwarted by a lack of money and lackluster therapists. Eventually, Stevens found the therapist who helped her heal–and inspired Stevens to become a therapist herself.
Scared Selfless is a gripping and inspiring book about overcoming adversity that also manages to teach the reader a lot about psychological trauma. It is a must-read for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child, as well as anyone who wants to understand them.
When Stevens was just eight years old, her mother started living with an elementary school teacher. Unbeknownst to them, Gary Lundquist was also a sadistic pedophile who molested hundreds of children. The minute Stevens moved in, Gary turned her into his personal sex slave. He tortured her, trafficked her in a child sex ring, and forced her to perform in kiddie porn.
As a result of the abuse, Stevens developed a lot of mental problems. She was depressed, attempting suicide for the first time at the age of thirteen. She also developed PTSD and multiple personalities.
After she escaped from Gary and the child sex ring, Stevens tried to lead a normal life, but the psychological effects of childhood trauma got in the way. Stevens tried for years to find help through the mental healthcare system, but her efforts were thwarted by a lack of money and lackluster therapists. Eventually, Stevens found the therapist who helped her heal–and inspired Stevens to become a therapist herself.
Scared Selfless is a gripping and inspiring book about overcoming adversity that also manages to teach the reader a lot about psychological trauma. It is a must-read for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child, as well as anyone who wants to understand them.
March 25, 2017
A powerful and remarkably brave book about the journey of healing that Michelle Stevens took after being brutally abused and prostituted throughout her childhood. It's also chalk full of insight that Michelle brings as a practicing psychologist whose research has focused on shining more light on pedophiles and child abusers and their actions. The story of her childhood is horrifying, and her strength in not only surviving but also thriving is awe inspiring. A wonderful read.
March 27, 2017
Disturbing and POWERFUL. Brave and courageous. You need to struggle through the EXTREME sadness and pain you will feel while reading about Michelle's torment at the the hands of her sadist step father. But ultimately...it's a fascinating story of survival and over coming life's horrors. Very interesting about how the brain functions under extreme stress and trauma. Teachers and parents all should be made aware of the signs of abusive. God bless this woman.
October 23, 2025
EXCELLENT book on child abuse and its impact on the developing psyche. Explains the development of DID (multiple personalities) so well (in layman's terms). Compulsively readable, though the abuse is horrific and hard to hear about.
I'm an attachment therapist, and as such, I was so moved by the love and brilliance of her last therapist. I've re-parented a few young women much like her, and I loved knowing "their" story is out here in the world.
I'm an attachment therapist, and as such, I was so moved by the love and brilliance of her last therapist. I've re-parented a few young women much like her, and I loved knowing "their" story is out here in the world.
March 31, 2017
I could not put this down after seeing Michelle on Dr Phil. Her insight into the twisted minds of abusers needs to be heard. Although her truth is difficult to swallow it is an important issue that we as a society need to address. Thank you for your courage, Michelle.
August 3, 2017
Although the details can be tough to read, Stevens' writing is flawless and her road to recovery is nothing short of a miracle. I read it in a day, and would recommend it to anyone who can handle such a sad story.
August 30, 2018
Wow. Speechless. Just an amazing story I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams. Much left to think about. Childhood trauma- we may not realize. Cam't say I'd recommend, as I'd rather have this world a more ideal place, but it's an eye opener.
December 5, 2017
Interesting and rare account of someone's personal journey through trauma and development of DID.
April 18, 2017
This book is so powerful. I wish I could write to every Psych department in every college in the world and have them add this as required reading! Everyone who wants to become a therapist or a counselor must read this book - as it shows how easy it is for professionals to miss major and obvious cues! All teachers must read this book too!
It is incredibly well written, especially when you consider the material. I mean, how do you even begin to map out a book about a blocked memories and DID? The way it was structured was very well done, very well organized and logical. How it brought you through her life and how things changed for her along the way - fantastic. The authors writing style is very easy to read, and I was thoroughly engaged throughout the entire book. There were no slow parts, nothing I wanted skim over. It was gripping, passionate and intense.
I loved reading this book, even with the brutality. Strange, right? But it was really so compelling. The author is amazing.... she never once wrote from a place of hopelessness or pity - even when it seemed like she was feeling those things. I felt strongly her pain and suffering as I read her story. I wanted to reach through the pages and hug her, especially that first horrible weekend with Gary. I wanted to kick him in the groin and slap her mother into sense....
I have always said that we as a society do not just magically have bad people. We create them through abuse and neglect. Those who suffer as Michelle did can turn to the dark side - or they can fight, get the support they need, and become the strong, brave leader of people that she is now. I am really blown away by her story and the powerful force she has become. Actually, I want to change my first sentence - bad people is wrong, it is their actions - which really are their symptoms. I learned that, and a lot from this book.
This is a must read.
It is incredibly well written, especially when you consider the material. I mean, how do you even begin to map out a book about a blocked memories and DID? The way it was structured was very well done, very well organized and logical. How it brought you through her life and how things changed for her along the way - fantastic. The authors writing style is very easy to read, and I was thoroughly engaged throughout the entire book. There were no slow parts, nothing I wanted skim over. It was gripping, passionate and intense.
I loved reading this book, even with the brutality. Strange, right? But it was really so compelling. The author is amazing.... she never once wrote from a place of hopelessness or pity - even when it seemed like she was feeling those things. I felt strongly her pain and suffering as I read her story. I wanted to reach through the pages and hug her, especially that first horrible weekend with Gary. I wanted to kick him in the groin and slap her mother into sense....
I have always said that we as a society do not just magically have bad people. We create them through abuse and neglect. Those who suffer as Michelle did can turn to the dark side - or they can fight, get the support they need, and become the strong, brave leader of people that she is now. I am really blown away by her story and the powerful force she has become. Actually, I want to change my first sentence - bad people is wrong, it is their actions - which really are their symptoms. I learned that, and a lot from this book.
This is a must read.
April 5, 2017
Wow. Michelle offers nothing short of a raw, blisteringly honest account of her life. F0r all of her talk of finding it difficult to trust others, she treats the reader as a close confidante, giving us free access to all personal details of her life. The first part of the book viscerally made me sick -- by far, the most unpleasant read I have ever done, but this only served to prove her point. We have as a collective society rendered pedophilia taboo to the point where it hurts the victims -- no one wants to engage in frank discussion of a topic that physically, emotionally, and mentally repulses us. Our penchant for emotional and social convenience leaves children vulnerable.
While she is correct that her story is all too common in the sense that there are more child victims than we would like to suppose, her story is unique in the sense that she suffered such severe, chronic abuse but then also got her PhD in psychology. She does a fantastic job in chronicling her abuse for the point to explore at length the effect that such horrific acts can have on a person's psyche, their sense of self. She was a victim of physical abuse as well as psychological warfare. She anticipates common counterpoints to DID, repression of memories, as well as other "controversial" psychological topics, and calmly uses her experience to refute them.
What a read. What a testament to the human capacity of cruelty, resilience, and love.
While she is correct that her story is all too common in the sense that there are more child victims than we would like to suppose, her story is unique in the sense that she suffered such severe, chronic abuse but then also got her PhD in psychology. She does a fantastic job in chronicling her abuse for the point to explore at length the effect that such horrific acts can have on a person's psyche, their sense of self. She was a victim of physical abuse as well as psychological warfare. She anticipates common counterpoints to DID, repression of memories, as well as other "controversial" psychological topics, and calmly uses her experience to refute them.
What a read. What a testament to the human capacity of cruelty, resilience, and love.
December 26, 2020
Just to be VERY brief about this book, it couldn’t keep my attention. I wanted to read this book initially because of the impact that I knew it would have on me, but the way the story was portrayed felt kind of jumpy. I know that the memories of victims who undergo trauma can also be unreliable so there’s definitely that aspect to consider. Mostly, though, I just couldn’t get into the writing style.
July 29, 2018
This was an interesting, If traumatic, book to read. It is such a sad tale and it was great to read about how Michelle got her life back on track. What did my head in was her praise of her god, who helped her to get her life back she states. I think her god would have been better to have stopped her rapes, torture and her life as a sex slave at age 8. At this point I lost interest I must say, as she talked about how god had always looked after her, except when she was being past around to grown men like a piece of meat. As far as I’m concerned if you are going to praise your god for helping you then you have to lay the shit he let happen on him too.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 7, 2019
A brilliant & professionally written, harrowing & heartbreaking story of repeated sexual abuse & a stolen childhood.
The author's reviews & superb information on both pedophiles & DID personalities, & abuse recovery is abundant & should be required reading for any law enforcement agency that tracks sexual predators, it is that good.
I am blown away by how useful the information is in this memoir.
If you can stomach the contents of the author's abusive history/background & pay attention to to the definitive catagories, you, the reader will be that much more knowledgeable.
Excellent reading for those interested in psychology & a use recovery.
The author's reviews & superb information on both pedophiles & DID personalities, & abuse recovery is abundant & should be required reading for any law enforcement agency that tracks sexual predators, it is that good.
I am blown away by how useful the information is in this memoir.
If you can stomach the contents of the author's abusive history/background & pay attention to to the definitive catagories, you, the reader will be that much more knowledgeable.
Excellent reading for those interested in psychology & a use recovery.
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