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For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence
For Your Own Good, the contemporary classic exploring the serious if not gravely dangerous consequences parental cruelty can bring to bear on children everywhere, is one of the central works by Alice Miller, the celebrated Swiss psychoanalyst.
With her typically lucid, strong, and poetic language, Miller investigates the personal stories and case histories of various self-destructive and/or violent individuals to expand on her theories about the long-term affects of abusive child-rearing. Her conclusions―on what sort of parenting can create a drug addict, or a murderer, or a Hitler―offer much insight, and make a good deal of sense, while also straying far from psychoanalytic dogma about human nature, which Miller vehemently rejects.
This important study paints a shocking picture of the violent world―indeed, of the ever-more-violent world―that each generation helps to create when traditional upbringing, with its hidden cruelty, is perpetuated. The book also presents readers with useful solutions in this regard―namely, to resensitize the victimized child who has been trapped within the adult, and to unlock the emotional life that has been frozen in repression.
With her typically lucid, strong, and poetic language, Miller investigates the personal stories and case histories of various self-destructive and/or violent individuals to expand on her theories about the long-term affects of abusive child-rearing. Her conclusions―on what sort of parenting can create a drug addict, or a murderer, or a Hitler―offer much insight, and make a good deal of sense, while also straying far from psychoanalytic dogma about human nature, which Miller vehemently rejects.
This important study paints a shocking picture of the violent world―indeed, of the ever-more-violent world―that each generation helps to create when traditional upbringing, with its hidden cruelty, is perpetuated. The book also presents readers with useful solutions in this regard―namely, to resensitize the victimized child who has been trapped within the adult, and to unlock the emotional life that has been frozen in repression.
284 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1980
272 people are currently reading
6415 people want to read
About the author
Alice Miller
14 books1,055 followersAlice Miller was a Polish-Swiss psychologist, psychoanalyst and philosopher of Jewish origin, who is noted for her books on parental child abuse, translated into several languages. She was also a noted public intellectual.
Her book The Drama of the Gifted Child caused a sensation and became an international bestseller upon the English publication in 1981. Her views on the consequences of child abuse became highly influential. In her books she departed from psychoanalysis, charging it with being similar to the poisonous pedagogies.
Her book The Drama of the Gifted Child caused a sensation and became an international bestseller upon the English publication in 1981. Her views on the consequences of child abuse became highly influential. In her books she departed from psychoanalysis, charging it with being similar to the poisonous pedagogies.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 152 reviews
February 12, 2013
My mother used to say,"We are all victims of victims." If you reflect on this continuum, as Alice Miller does, you realize that many of her case study examples are as immediate today as they ever were since violence is a trait passed down through experience and it is so unerringly inserted deep in the mind of an abused child that it remains almost invisible until an opportunity presents itself for it to blossom horribly within its unwitting host.
Ms. Miller's logic and her view of the roots of violence are clear and well drawn. She notes with particular clarity one of the great enablers of this disease, silence, from society, witnesses and the abused themselves, which allow the sickness to incubate and spread.
A potential reader should not make the mistake of supposing Ms. Miller's analyses of causes and effects are somehow dated since the text is now more than thirty years old. In reality we consistently see examples that could well be Miller's in current news reports.
This book is clear and easy reading. Ms. Miller is concise in her recounting of both her facts and her analyses. And yet the book is not easy to read. It is disturbing, depressing and at times sickening. It is a cautionary tale for anyone seeking paths to a better world, a management tool, as it were, for one of our most precious resources, our children.
Ms. Miller's logic and her view of the roots of violence are clear and well drawn. She notes with particular clarity one of the great enablers of this disease, silence, from society, witnesses and the abused themselves, which allow the sickness to incubate and spread.
A potential reader should not make the mistake of supposing Ms. Miller's analyses of causes and effects are somehow dated since the text is now more than thirty years old. In reality we consistently see examples that could well be Miller's in current news reports.
This book is clear and easy reading. Ms. Miller is concise in her recounting of both her facts and her analyses. And yet the book is not easy to read. It is disturbing, depressing and at times sickening. It is a cautionary tale for anyone seeking paths to a better world, a management tool, as it were, for one of our most precious resources, our children.
April 29, 2010
This is an older book written in 1980 that I came across sitting on the floor of a dusty, old used book store. I snagged it for $3 and it was $3 well spent.
This book focuses on the origins of violence and hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence.
Amazingly, this book was written in 1980 and expresses that 'everyone should read this book who is troubled by what is happening to our world and to our children..' Wow.. I would love to hear what Alice Miller has to say now in 2010.
This book focuses on the origins of violence and hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence.
Amazingly, this book was written in 1980 and expresses that 'everyone should read this book who is troubled by what is happening to our world and to our children..' Wow.. I would love to hear what Alice Miller has to say now in 2010.
June 23, 2009
I read this for a class on ancestry. My teacher recommended it because I have German ancestry, and this book was one of the most illuminating I've read in a long time. It helped me understand my upbringing in the light of German culture, and the culture my great-grandparents, grandparents, and even ancestors earlier, were raised in.
I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandanavian or European roots.
I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandanavian or European roots.
December 10, 2019
Alice Miller is a German psychologist whose works have been translated into English. This book explores the nature of child-rearing over time and what child-rearing produces in the victims of what she refers to as "poisonous pedagogy." It's not a book in which anyone is blamed but rather a book in which she explores the way in which child-rearing can ultimately lead to violence in adulthood. As such, it's completely fascinating. It opens your eyes to the negative impact some parents have on their children, even when they are completely well-meaning. It's an eye-opener into the behavior of Stalin and Hitler and it's also a cautionary tale about people like Donald Trump who come to power without ever resolving anything in their past that haunts them.
August 28, 2008
On recommendation from my therapist. Luckily for me, this copy was heavily marked up so it was easy to skip around to the juicy bits.
Quote:
"A child conditioned to be well-behaved must not notice what she is feeling, but asks herself what she ought to feel."
Quote:
"A child conditioned to be well-behaved must not notice what she is feeling, but asks herself what she ought to feel."
December 14, 2018
After having it on my shelf for years, I finally read this book, truly amazing. Psychoanalyst Alice Miller explains clearly [even in translation:] what it does to a person's psyche to have been routinely punished by a caregiver for any reason and for no reason. This is her explanation for Hitler and those who collaborated with him and it is convincing. She quotes extensively from 19c [German:] child-rearing manuals warning the parent to establish his/her dominance over the child in the very first year, the goal being the child's complete and blind obedience.
Someone raised in this way will usually act accordingly their whole life and raise their own children the same way. Absolutely frightening.
====================
After telling Gail and Steve about this book, I wrote to them:
I realized later that I had not accurately represented psychoanalyst Alice Miller's argument in explaining how Hitler and those who collaborated with him could possibly have done what they did.
I suggested it was adhering too strictly to rules, but that is not correct.
Alice Miller quotes extensively from 19c [German] child-rearing manuals warning the parent to establish his/her dominance over the child in the very first year, the goal being the child's complete and blind obedience.
Someone raised in this way will usually act accordingly their whole life and raise their own children the same way, she argues.
It was not too many rules, but rather that the child was beaten time after time by an enraged parent for any reason or for no reason.
Nothing the child could do, or refrain from doing, made any difference. The parent would still unpredictably become enraged and the child learned to expect merciless punishment and humiliation.
Shockingly, the child-rearing manuals literally advocate humiliating the young child, among other measures meant to mold the child into a person who never questions authority but always obeys blindly. Absolutely frightening.
[Her best known title is: The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller. My guess is that 'drama' in the title is a mistranslation for 'tragedy'... ]
==============
I liked two of the readers' comments that I found on my Goodreads site:
''I read this for a class on ancestry. My teacher recommended it because I have German ancestry, and this book was one of the most illuminating I've read in a long time. It helped me understand my upbringing in the light of German culture, and the culture my great-grandparents, grandparents, and even ancestors earlier, were raised in. I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandinavian or European roots. ''
''I read this book when I was a new mother with my first baby. It helped me become aware of and process the hurts I had experienced as a child at the hands of well-meaning parents and teachers. In turn this helped me become aware of my own tendencies to repeat these patterns, and made it easier to be more kind, loving and patient as a mother. ''
===========
Gail replies:
Thanks for your qualification. I have read many articles that say that
speak to the severe punishment for little or no reason as only feeding
the parent's ego and establishing the parent's dominance. This
succeeds in destroying the child's self-worth and perpetrating the
same behavior on the next generation. Cruelty and abuse certainly are
not the answer.
Someone raised in this way will usually act accordingly their whole life and raise their own children the same way. Absolutely frightening.
====================
After telling Gail and Steve about this book, I wrote to them:
I realized later that I had not accurately represented psychoanalyst Alice Miller's argument in explaining how Hitler and those who collaborated with him could possibly have done what they did.
I suggested it was adhering too strictly to rules, but that is not correct.
Alice Miller quotes extensively from 19c [German] child-rearing manuals warning the parent to establish his/her dominance over the child in the very first year, the goal being the child's complete and blind obedience.
Someone raised in this way will usually act accordingly their whole life and raise their own children the same way, she argues.
It was not too many rules, but rather that the child was beaten time after time by an enraged parent for any reason or for no reason.
Nothing the child could do, or refrain from doing, made any difference. The parent would still unpredictably become enraged and the child learned to expect merciless punishment and humiliation.
Shockingly, the child-rearing manuals literally advocate humiliating the young child, among other measures meant to mold the child into a person who never questions authority but always obeys blindly. Absolutely frightening.
[Her best known title is: The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller. My guess is that 'drama' in the title is a mistranslation for 'tragedy'... ]
==============
I liked two of the readers' comments that I found on my Goodreads site:
''I read this for a class on ancestry. My teacher recommended it because I have German ancestry, and this book was one of the most illuminating I've read in a long time. It helped me understand my upbringing in the light of German culture, and the culture my great-grandparents, grandparents, and even ancestors earlier, were raised in. I highly recommend this book for anyone with German, or even Scandinavian or European roots. ''
''I read this book when I was a new mother with my first baby. It helped me become aware of and process the hurts I had experienced as a child at the hands of well-meaning parents and teachers. In turn this helped me become aware of my own tendencies to repeat these patterns, and made it easier to be more kind, loving and patient as a mother. ''
===========
Gail replies:
Thanks for your qualification. I have read many articles that say that
speak to the severe punishment for little or no reason as only feeding
the parent's ego and establishing the parent's dominance. This
succeeds in destroying the child's self-worth and perpetrating the
same behavior on the next generation. Cruelty and abuse certainly are
not the answer.
January 6, 2012
In my opinion the best of Alice Miller's writing, it provides a well researched analysis of child rearing manuals over the centuries and their impact on our attitudes and behaviour towards children. It shows us that values change and that we can change if we want to. I would make this compulsory reading for all would-be teachers.
September 11, 2012
Although this book was written in the historical context of an older generation of parents and children, Miller intuits important psychological insights that are supported by current research. The writing and choice of case studies sometimes seems overwrought, and a large section is devoted to Adolf Hitler's childhood and the impact of Nazism (which came as a surprise to me), yet many of Miller's insights can be applied to a more general population. A worthwhile read for those interested in psychology or child development.
April 7, 2008
This is 'must read' material for anyone looking to quell oppressive dynamics. It changed my life and capacity to see various oppressions stemming from personal experiences, as well as how they model each other (i.e. how men relate to women, adults to children, white people to people of color, so on)
September 7, 2019
Ако изключим първата част "Черната педагогика", която е много мъчна за четене и разбиране, останалото е изключително интересно и добре написано, така че всеки да може да го разбере и интерпретира доста коректно, ако пожелае, разбира се.
Авторката разглежда няколко случая между, които тези на Адолф Хитлер и Силвия Плат, и показва връзките между последствия и преживяно в детството. Наистина много интересно, а и те кара да се зачудиш за самия себе си. Няма как да не почнеш се самоанализираш и да не се замислиш за своето детство и възпитание. Книгата е доста стара, но все така актуална, което е тъжно.
Последните години доста сериозно вярвам, че възпитателната и образователната ни системи (в световно аспект) са остарели, непотребни, че и направо вредни. Книгата дава един различен поглед над наболелия проблем на насилието над деца и каква сериозна роля играе т.н. "възпитание" в това. Само като се замислим как всички целеустремено се заставиха срещу новата стратегия за деца в България, може веднага да се замислим какво всъщност значи това за начина, по който всички ние сме възпитани... Та, книгата определено те кара да се замислиш и да видиш отвъд симптомите.
Авторката разглежда няколко случая между, които тези на Адолф Хитлер и Силвия Плат, и показва връзките между последствия и преживяно в детството. Наистина много интересно, а и те кара да се зачудиш за самия себе си. Няма как да не почнеш се самоанализираш и да не се замислиш за своето детство и възпитание. Книгата е доста стара, но все така актуална, което е тъжно.
Последните години доста сериозно вярвам, че възпитателната и образователната ни системи (в световно аспект) са остарели, непотребни, че и направо вредни. Книгата дава един различен поглед над наболелия проблем на насилието над деца и каква сериозна роля играе т.н. "възпитание" в това. Само като се замислим как всички целеустремено се заставиха срещу новата стратегия за деца в България, може веднага да се замислим какво всъщност значи това за начина, по който всички ние сме възпитани... Та, книгата определено те кара да се замислиш и да видиш отвъд симптомите.
July 19, 2021
Talk about making me question every single thing I do as a parent...
This book is extremely thought-provoking, and attempts to shed light on the possibility of not only where little Hitlers and those who blindly follow them come from, but even attempts to illustrate if the "poisonous pedagogy" of child-rearing techniques may be one of, if not the primary, root of all criminal and/or "deviant" behavior.
Her examples and historical research, as well as other researchers attempts to dismiss the importance of child-rearing, are very interesting to read about and highly compelling.
If you're a parent, than this book should definitely make you question if you are doing right by your children and, more importantly, what "doing right" actually means...
This book is extremely thought-provoking, and attempts to shed light on the possibility of not only where little Hitlers and those who blindly follow them come from, but even attempts to illustrate if the "poisonous pedagogy" of child-rearing techniques may be one of, if not the primary, root of all criminal and/or "deviant" behavior.
Her examples and historical research, as well as other researchers attempts to dismiss the importance of child-rearing, are very interesting to read about and highly compelling.
If you're a parent, than this book should definitely make you question if you are doing right by your children and, more importantly, what "doing right" actually means...
July 30, 2010
Those that most need to read it...won't
September 7, 2015
Finally someone breaking up with the old, with the same old fairy tales based on belief and employing logic when empirical observation is plagued by confirmation bias.
December 25, 2024
Pedagogy fills the needs of parents, not of children.
Ohh and don’t punish or hit your children or they’ll become either addicts or fascists.
Ohh and don’t punish or hit your children or they’ll become either addicts or fascists.
July 9, 2023
Des idées très intéresssantes sur le fait qu'infliger des punitions violentes aux enfants est un cyle dans lequel les parents reproduisent les violences qu'ils ont subies enfants à la fois pour les rendre moins horribles (s'il est sain de battre ses enfants ça leur évite de se confronter au fait qu'ils ont eux-mêmes été victimes de violences) et de manière inconsciente pour les exorciser en les reproduisant. L'autrice affirme aussi que ce cycle de violences prédispose les individus à respecter aveuglément l'autorité et cela participe d'après elle au fait que tant de gens ont "exécuté les ordres" sous le régime nazi.
J'ai trouvé les idées de base et l'intuition de l'autrice très intéressants. Par contre la façon dont elle a l'air de penser démontrer de manière indiscutable son propos au travers de trois analyses de cas m'a vraiment rebuté. En étudiant l'enfance de Hitler notamment, même si elle fait remonter des choses intéressantes sur le déni de ces violences (un biographe par exemple prétend que Hitler mentait quand il affirmait que son père le battait, et que si jamais ça s'était produit il l'avait bien mérité), elle tire elle-même parfois des conclusions qu'elle présente comme des vérités alors que ce ne sont que des intuitions.
Il y a également beaucoup de considérations qui sont tellement vagues qu'elles sont vides de sens telles quelles : "IL ne lui restait donc plus qu'à nier la douleur, autrement dit à se nier lui-même et à s'identifier avec l'agresseur.", "Le père protège la pure âme enfantine des menaces qu'il porte en lui-même, en faisant déporter et exterminer les juirs, afin que la parfaite unité entre le père et le fils puisse enfin être rétablie."...
Enfin pour le cas de Hitler, même si l'argument qu'il aurait subi des violences enfant est certainement intéressant pour expliquer comment il en est arrivé là, il manque une étude de pourquoi les autres enfants battus n'ont pas cherché à exterminer un peuple.
J'ai trouvé les idées de base et l'intuition de l'autrice très intéressants. Par contre la façon dont elle a l'air de penser démontrer de manière indiscutable son propos au travers de trois analyses de cas m'a vraiment rebuté. En étudiant l'enfance de Hitler notamment, même si elle fait remonter des choses intéressantes sur le déni de ces violences (un biographe par exemple prétend que Hitler mentait quand il affirmait que son père le battait, et que si jamais ça s'était produit il l'avait bien mérité), elle tire elle-même parfois des conclusions qu'elle présente comme des vérités alors que ce ne sont que des intuitions.
Il y a également beaucoup de considérations qui sont tellement vagues qu'elles sont vides de sens telles quelles : "IL ne lui restait donc plus qu'à nier la douleur, autrement dit à se nier lui-même et à s'identifier avec l'agresseur.", "Le père protège la pure âme enfantine des menaces qu'il porte en lui-même, en faisant déporter et exterminer les juirs, afin que la parfaite unité entre le père et le fils puisse enfin être rétablie."...
Enfin pour le cas de Hitler, même si l'argument qu'il aurait subi des violences enfant est certainement intéressant pour expliquer comment il en est arrivé là, il manque une étude de pourquoi les autres enfants battus n'ont pas cherché à exterminer un peuple.
March 18, 2024
Tämä kirja teki minuun todella suuren vaikutuksen. Teos ei ole uusi, 1980-luvulta, mutta pääosin aivan kuranttia tavaraa tänä päivänä. Vai mitä sanoisit tästä: "Järjettömän käyttäytymisen kollektiivinen muoto on kaikkein vaarallisin, koska järjettömyys ei enää kiinnitä kenenkään huomiota ja koska sitä pidetään "normaalina". Vaikuttaako tutulta? Muutenkin kirja osuu minusta maaliin puhuessaan kasvatuksesta vallankäyttönä ja lapsen minuuden kohtaamisen vaikeuksista. Suosittelen kaikille, niin lapsellisille kuin lapsettomille, juuri itsetuntemuksen kasvattamisen välineenä.
April 18, 2019
"The way we were treated as small children is the way we treat ourselves the rest of our life."
I've been on a quest for awhile, searching for good parenting books, reading about child abuse and it's later effects, and most recently I came across this book by Alice Miller. For Your Own Good is an interesting book. Miller's expertise in the area is obvious throughout the book, and I will be looking for more books by her.
I liked that Miller talked about the parenting techniques of the past and how they perpetuated and even glorified abuse. She picks apart the idea that child are inherently selfish. I particularly liked this quote: "To reach their sacred ends, they try to mold the child in their image, suppressing self-expression in the child and at the same time missing out on an opportunity to learn something."
While I learned a lot from this book, I did feel like the author had a tendency to be a little long-winded. I did not read all of this book, but rather skipped around to pages and chapters that I thought would be useful. I found the long analysis of Hilter's childhood to be just a little too long.
I will also say that this book should come with a trigger warning. This book deals heavily with child abuse and some of it turned my stomach. It was really hard to read.
Still I'm glad I had a chance to read For Your Own Good, Alice Miller is an author I will read more of and I gave the book 3 stars on Goodreads.
I've been on a quest for awhile, searching for good parenting books, reading about child abuse and it's later effects, and most recently I came across this book by Alice Miller. For Your Own Good is an interesting book. Miller's expertise in the area is obvious throughout the book, and I will be looking for more books by her.
I liked that Miller talked about the parenting techniques of the past and how they perpetuated and even glorified abuse. She picks apart the idea that child are inherently selfish. I particularly liked this quote: "To reach their sacred ends, they try to mold the child in their image, suppressing self-expression in the child and at the same time missing out on an opportunity to learn something."
While I learned a lot from this book, I did feel like the author had a tendency to be a little long-winded. I did not read all of this book, but rather skipped around to pages and chapters that I thought would be useful. I found the long analysis of Hilter's childhood to be just a little too long.
I will also say that this book should come with a trigger warning. This book deals heavily with child abuse and some of it turned my stomach. It was really hard to read.
Still I'm glad I had a chance to read For Your Own Good, Alice Miller is an author I will read more of and I gave the book 3 stars on Goodreads.
October 6, 2007
So far the entire first third of the book is excerpts from writings about 'parenting' from Germany around 1770-1800. Shows how horrible parents were supposed to raise their kids. I am having a hard time getting through reading all of it - not only because it is sickening - but because Miller hasn't begun writing herself or getting to the point yet. The second half should get better and to the point (I would expect!), but I am not there yet.
After skipping some of the graphic part in the beginning, it is getting a lot better. - I can see the importance of showing the 'advice' and expectations of raising a 'good' child - - - it really makes you realize how horrible parents were supposed to raise their kids. After this harsh beginning Miller is talking more (and it is interesting) - and she is pulling up a lot of research on Nazi Germany and how the Nazi's were raised. She is getting to the point, it seems, that when parents repress the emotions of their children and when parents do not let children express themselves, the consequences (to varying degrees, obviously) can be very, very bad.
After skipping some of the graphic part in the beginning, it is getting a lot better. - I can see the importance of showing the 'advice' and expectations of raising a 'good' child - - - it really makes you realize how horrible parents were supposed to raise their kids. After this harsh beginning Miller is talking more (and it is interesting) - and she is pulling up a lot of research on Nazi Germany and how the Nazi's were raised. She is getting to the point, it seems, that when parents repress the emotions of their children and when parents do not let children express themselves, the consequences (to varying degrees, obviously) can be very, very bad.
June 27, 2012
This should be required reading for everyone...I am overwhelmed with how much truth is spoken on these pages!
I've been around long enough to realize and to witness that so much of what is said here is how circumstances unfold for many lives.
Oh that we, as a society, will wake up and look around us. This type of abuse is everywhere and we much look into our past and that of our parents to see what pattern have been unconsciously repeated.
This could save your life and that of your children...but most importantly of the world ahead...our grandchildren and their children.
Please read this and open your heart to understand with empathy what is REALLY going on!
WOW...I am on a mission to read everything that Alice Miller has written...pouring over her website is invaluable as well...(-:
I've been around long enough to realize and to witness that so much of what is said here is how circumstances unfold for many lives.
Oh that we, as a society, will wake up and look around us. This type of abuse is everywhere and we much look into our past and that of our parents to see what pattern have been unconsciously repeated.
This could save your life and that of your children...but most importantly of the world ahead...our grandchildren and their children.
Please read this and open your heart to understand with empathy what is REALLY going on!
WOW...I am on a mission to read everything that Alice Miller has written...pouring over her website is invaluable as well...(-:
December 22, 2020
I stumbled upon this one with the intention to retrieve a few quotes for something I had been writing and ended up not sleeping and finishing the entire thing in a night. Heavy material that I would only recommend to people who have delved into shadow work/inner child healing. I believe it could help people look at the decisions of their parents in a more objective way, by understanding that 'hurt people, hurt people' and that many acts have traceable trauma linked to their early childhood. Not that this necessarily excuses the harmful behaviour... It merely sheds light on otherwise shameful, tucked away places that are often qualified away as we age. Proceed with caution!
May 18, 2017
This book explains Donald Trump, who had an abusive father, and why so many people follow him and other abusive leaders. The key insight is that some people believe their parents that abuse is "for their own good", and they associate abuse with love, because to admit that their parents don't love them would be devastating.
July 18, 2008
Good book to stir up suppressed issues, however it is at high risk for facilitating inaccurate memories.
September 13, 2008
This was the book that started my journey to adulthood. I healed tremendously while reading and pondering this book's message.
August 3, 2009
I love Alice Miller's books. Her psychoanalytic perspective along with her anecdotal analysis of famous historical people makes for great reading.
October 14, 2020
Este es el tercer libro que leo de Alice Miller, después de La Llave perdida y El drama del niño dotado. Los tres son una maravilla, nunca había aprendido tanto sobre psicologia y psicoanalisis con casos concretos que logran identificarme profundamente a lo largo de los libros.
La autora sigue una misma narrativa en todas sus obras, toma las historias de sus pacientes o las cartas de sus lectores para ejemplificar experiencias traumáticas, dolorosas, confusas o amargas. Esto es importante porque son experiencias transversales o muy frecuentes que uno logra recordar o racionalizar después de leer los pasajes de Por tu propio bien. Lo que más me gusta de este libro, es que logra mostrar la perversidad de los métodos de la crianza infantil: los castigos físicos, los maltratos psicológicos, la privación de la emocionalidad, la implacable disciplina de las experiencias, etc. Todos estos métodos de crianza racionalizados y transformados en prácticas pedagógicas legítimas en las escuelas se transmiten de generación en generación.
No sólo la pedagogía tóxica con sus métodos crueles de crianza y educación se legitima y racionaliza en las escuelas sino que esta se enseña en manuales de educación infantil. Es decir, adquiere un carácter transversal y normal. Es difícil no espantarse al ver cómo se pudo y se puede justificar y enseñar a los padres a practicar tales tratos crueles en aras de la educación de los niños. En ese sentido, la autora no escatima en citar amplios pasajes de estos manuales que son por momentos verdaderos manuales de torturas, las que justifican palizas, encierros en cuartos oscuros, nalgadas, golpes, privaciones etc. Todos los efectos de esta pedagogía tóxica finalmente tienen graves consecuencias en la vida adulta de las personas que no logran comprender aquellos aspectos traumáticos o difíciles que ocurrieron en su infancia porque se supone que es normal y aceptable.
Es interesante cómo la autora analiza la biografía de Hitler para explicar, como un caso extremo, las graves consecuencias que puede tener que un niño no tenga NUNCA en su vida una comprensión de sus propias experiencias o un adulto significativa que le muestra que la crueldad familiar no es lo normal en la vida.
Sin duda recomiendo este libro para todos aquellos que deseen comprender aquellos aspectos de su infancia que pueden ser dolorosas y para comprender un poco más al resto.
La autora sigue una misma narrativa en todas sus obras, toma las historias de sus pacientes o las cartas de sus lectores para ejemplificar experiencias traumáticas, dolorosas, confusas o amargas. Esto es importante porque son experiencias transversales o muy frecuentes que uno logra recordar o racionalizar después de leer los pasajes de Por tu propio bien. Lo que más me gusta de este libro, es que logra mostrar la perversidad de los métodos de la crianza infantil: los castigos físicos, los maltratos psicológicos, la privación de la emocionalidad, la implacable disciplina de las experiencias, etc. Todos estos métodos de crianza racionalizados y transformados en prácticas pedagógicas legítimas en las escuelas se transmiten de generación en generación.
No sólo la pedagogía tóxica con sus métodos crueles de crianza y educación se legitima y racionaliza en las escuelas sino que esta se enseña en manuales de educación infantil. Es decir, adquiere un carácter transversal y normal. Es difícil no espantarse al ver cómo se pudo y se puede justificar y enseñar a los padres a practicar tales tratos crueles en aras de la educación de los niños. En ese sentido, la autora no escatima en citar amplios pasajes de estos manuales que son por momentos verdaderos manuales de torturas, las que justifican palizas, encierros en cuartos oscuros, nalgadas, golpes, privaciones etc. Todos los efectos de esta pedagogía tóxica finalmente tienen graves consecuencias en la vida adulta de las personas que no logran comprender aquellos aspectos traumáticos o difíciles que ocurrieron en su infancia porque se supone que es normal y aceptable.
Es interesante cómo la autora analiza la biografía de Hitler para explicar, como un caso extremo, las graves consecuencias que puede tener que un niño no tenga NUNCA en su vida una comprensión de sus propias experiencias o un adulto significativa que le muestra que la crueldad familiar no es lo normal en la vida.
Sin duda recomiendo este libro para todos aquellos que deseen comprender aquellos aspectos de su infancia que pueden ser dolorosas y para comprender un poco más al resto.
March 22, 2025
It's truly amazing that Miller coined the term "poisonous pedagogy" and critiqued the cruelty inflicted upon our most vulnerable so many years ago in 1980, when even nowadays these concepts are still not known on a widespread scale or if known are often outright doubted with a ferocity that can make Miller's theories even more convincing since this internal dissuasion provides more evidence to the validity of her claims. Of course folks are dissuaded and in refusal to be aware of the cruelty they inflicted upon their children "for their own good" because if it were to be acknowledged they would be forced to confront the way they themselves have been victimized by their parental figures. So this "poisonous pedagogy" perseveres covertly as generational trauma where we as victims become the aggressors, continually unaware and with best intentions, over and over again.
I have often contemplated how cruelty towards children, who are the most oppressed and vulnerable class amongst us all - especially those who have disabilities and are unable to speak for themselves - remains so institutionalized. Even though laws have been enacted for children's rights to not be forced into labor for example, respect for children's autonomy and for how they naturally are disruptors of the status quo remains scarce. Children are continually oppressed in insidious (even when unintentional) ways even in the public sphere and this "poisonous pedagogy" is certainly an explanation as to why. Obedience and compliance is treated as the ultimate, perhaps unconscious goal even in therapeutic settings though it's frequently not recognized as such anymore. I think about it often - how especially in stressful moments many if not most caregivers who generally are kind and minimally oppressive will regress to utilizing demeaning language, engaging in power struggles, and all kinds of emotional cruelties when in stress and triggered by a perceived loss of control when a child won't obey. It's painful to witness, painful to recognize your own suffering in it, and painful to feel as though you can't interject or intervene in fear of losing your job since this type of treatment of children can be so intertwined with "care".
Clearly I found this book to be an intellectually and emotionally invigorating and thought-provoking read, causing me to contemplate the treatment of children and of my own childhood in depth. I myself suffered excruciating humiliations during my childhood and frequently have to confront what this means for myself; for what my own triggers are and how to be aware of them at times where they may be nefariously underlying thought patterns I possess.
I have often contemplated how cruelty towards children, who are the most oppressed and vulnerable class amongst us all - especially those who have disabilities and are unable to speak for themselves - remains so institutionalized. Even though laws have been enacted for children's rights to not be forced into labor for example, respect for children's autonomy and for how they naturally are disruptors of the status quo remains scarce. Children are continually oppressed in insidious (even when unintentional) ways even in the public sphere and this "poisonous pedagogy" is certainly an explanation as to why. Obedience and compliance is treated as the ultimate, perhaps unconscious goal even in therapeutic settings though it's frequently not recognized as such anymore. I think about it often - how especially in stressful moments many if not most caregivers who generally are kind and minimally oppressive will regress to utilizing demeaning language, engaging in power struggles, and all kinds of emotional cruelties when in stress and triggered by a perceived loss of control when a child won't obey. It's painful to witness, painful to recognize your own suffering in it, and painful to feel as though you can't interject or intervene in fear of losing your job since this type of treatment of children can be so intertwined with "care".
Clearly I found this book to be an intellectually and emotionally invigorating and thought-provoking read, causing me to contemplate the treatment of children and of my own childhood in depth. I myself suffered excruciating humiliations during my childhood and frequently have to confront what this means for myself; for what my own triggers are and how to be aware of them at times where they may be nefariously underlying thought patterns I possess.
September 19, 2023
I am aware of Martin Miller’s book and have a vague idea of its contents, however since I haven’t read it, I am reviewing this book as standalone material.
Alice Miller uses three psychobiographies to illustrate her central points. I found this book very insightful and undeniably emotionally difficult to read. Because it is written using very direct (but empathetic) language, it may be triggering or even impossible to parse (due to unconscious defenses) to readers with PTSD or backgrounds of childhood abuse who have not gone through psychotherapy or recovery.
I feel that this book has given me a concrete understanding of the cyclical effects of child abuse and subsequent repression. In an ideal world this book would be read by everyone, not just parents, prospective parents, or psychoanalysts/therapists, because it answers (from one angle) the question of where delinquent behaviour and violence from authority figures (church, state, parents) comes from.
I like that Miller addresses criticisms of her views briefly where relevant. It’s worth noting that the fundamental theories of psychoanalysis has its pitfalls, though Miller rebuffs Freud's concept of drives (and its supporters) at least twice. Psychobiographies themselves also contain several fundamental weaknesses, though I agree with Nick Haslam that this does not necessarily mean they have no value or should not be written anymore.
Alice Miller uses three psychobiographies to illustrate her central points. I found this book very insightful and undeniably emotionally difficult to read. Because it is written using very direct (but empathetic) language, it may be triggering or even impossible to parse (due to unconscious defenses) to readers with PTSD or backgrounds of childhood abuse who have not gone through psychotherapy or recovery.
I feel that this book has given me a concrete understanding of the cyclical effects of child abuse and subsequent repression. In an ideal world this book would be read by everyone, not just parents, prospective parents, or psychoanalysts/therapists, because it answers (from one angle) the question of where delinquent behaviour and violence from authority figures (church, state, parents) comes from.
Loving parents in particular should want to find out what they are unconsciously doing to their children.
I like that Miller addresses criticisms of her views briefly where relevant. It’s worth noting that the fundamental theories of psychoanalysis has its pitfalls, though Miller rebuffs Freud's concept of drives (and its supporters) at least twice. Psychobiographies themselves also contain several fundamental weaknesses, though I agree with Nick Haslam that this does not necessarily mean they have no value or should not be written anymore.
August 21, 2025
I was initially intrigued by this book as a glimpse into the world of Alice Miller, a trained psychologist, a prominent voice against the domestic violence of children no less, who then turned around and did those very things she described as unconscionable to her own child, Martin, who then became a psychologist himself and wrote about the experience in "The True Drama of the Gifted Child".
This book is a lot more than "maybe spanking your kids is bad, actually." It frames the problem of violence, from the scale of the family to the scale of international genocidal violence, in such a way that it lights a ray of hope for the future despite the truly horrific subject matter.
For me, the main takeaway was that people who do horrendously evil things are not uniquely horrible masterminds of chaos, but rather delusional people following what was done to them (almost to the letter) on the greatest scale that society will allow them. Whether that's their own family or a whole country. This reframes the problem of violence, particularly that extreme, who-would-do-such-a-thing violence, into something extraordinarily predictable and vulnerable to targeted intervention.
Alice Miller writes very bluntly (but not excessively given the subject, in my opinion) about horrific experiences, which could be disarming, so proceed with caution.
Eerily reflective of the problems of today (2025).
This book is a lot more than "maybe spanking your kids is bad, actually." It frames the problem of violence, from the scale of the family to the scale of international genocidal violence, in such a way that it lights a ray of hope for the future despite the truly horrific subject matter.
For me, the main takeaway was that people who do horrendously evil things are not uniquely horrible masterminds of chaos, but rather delusional people following what was done to them (almost to the letter) on the greatest scale that society will allow them. Whether that's their own family or a whole country. This reframes the problem of violence, particularly that extreme, who-would-do-such-a-thing violence, into something extraordinarily predictable and vulnerable to targeted intervention.
Alice Miller writes very bluntly (but not excessively given the subject, in my opinion) about horrific experiences, which could be disarming, so proceed with caution.
Eerily reflective of the problems of today (2025).
January 4, 2021
«For your own good» Alice Miller
Alice Miller is one of my favourite authors. I have read 4 of her books and they are all perfect. She was a psychoanalyst for 20 years and after that she decided to share her knowledge by publishing 13 books. The main subject of the books is our childhood and how the way our parents raised us affected us throughout our lives.
This specific book deals with our education and the “poisonous pedagogy” with references to the childhood of infamous people like Adolfo Hitler, Jürgen Bartsch and others. Children tend to copy their parents behaviour and thus perpetuate the problems.
Alice Miller is one of my favourite authors. I have read 4 of her books and they are all perfect. She was a psychoanalyst for 20 years and after that she decided to share her knowledge by publishing 13 books. The main subject of the books is our childhood and how the way our parents raised us affected us throughout our lives.
This specific book deals with our education and the “poisonous pedagogy” with references to the childhood of infamous people like Adolfo Hitler, Jürgen Bartsch and others. Children tend to copy their parents behaviour and thus perpetuate the problems.
March 14, 2022
"La persecuzione del bambino" non parte lontano e fa parte del disegno di una psicologia (fenomenologia della vita infantile?) di stampo anti-pedagogico che caratterizzerà tutto il lavoro di Miller. Questo libro, in particolare, si concentra sul concetto di Pedagogia Nera e di come un'educazione repressiva, violenta, inadatta, sbagliata vada a configurare un danno nei confronti della personalità dell'infante in età adulta. Per avvalorare ciò si prendono gli esempi di Christiane F., di Adolf Hitler, di Jürgen Bartsch e, brevemente, di Sylvia Plath andando proprio a mostrare quegli snodi cruciali per lo sviluppo di quella che andrà a configurarsi come una vera e propria devianza. Il risultato? Un testo dalla tesi semplice ma scritto in maniera diretta, crudo che mostra i problemi, la forza delle idee di Miller e la sua capacità da saggista.
Consigliatissimo.
Consigliatissimo.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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