Whatever, Mom: Hip Mama's Guide to Raising a Teenager

Hip Mama

by Ariel Gore, Maia Swift

This long-overdue, witty, and revealing book on living life with teenagers begins with the premise that adolescence, as we know it, is nothing but a social construction. “Even your most aristocratic ancestors,” Gore writes, “never knew these long seasons of middle school and orthodontia, Ritalin and yo-yo diets, standardized tests and summer vacations, call-waiting and CD Walkmans, football practice and study abroad programs, learner’s permits and college choices.” Much of what parents fear about their kids reaching their teens, she notes, stems from popular culture, media scare tactics, and parents’ own dubious, sometimes painful experiences. Instead of fear and ultimatums, Gore offers a map for navigating the inevitable changes that come with kids growing older—wanting more freedom, peer-influenced decision-making, burgeoning sexual selves—and confronting the life changes moms and dads, who were “cool” themselves only yesterday, face as their parenting responsibilities and identities shift. Whatever, Mom is the only teen guidebook to include the opinions of teens themselves, including chapter-by-chapter rebuttals by Gore’s daughter, Maia.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism

256 pages, Paperback

First published March 2, 2004

About the author

ARIEL GORE is the author of We Were Witches (The Feminist Press, 2017), The End of Eve (Hawthorne Books, 2014), and numerous other books on parenting, the novel The Traveling Death and Resurrection Show, the memoir Atlas of the Human Heart, and the writer’s guide How to Become a Famous Writer Before You’re Dead. Farrar, Straus and Giroux will publish Bluebird: Women and the New Psychology of Happiness in January 2010.

Reviews

[Rebecca Kuder · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great book. I read it in 2023, and while the times have changed a lot for all of us since this book was published--it's still extremely relevant. The love and wisdom in these pages still apply, maybe more than ever. So grateful for this book as a guide through the brambles of raising a teen.

[H Adela · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great insight into the differentials between parental value systems and emerging and evolving teen values.

[Smoke · Rating 3 out of 5]

rather than a "guide," this is commiseration-style sharing of thoughts, POV etc much like her earlier "The Mother Trip," just at a later stage of parenting. there's not a lot of science or stats in here, which isn't to say that she didn't research or cite them, they're just not in the body of the text. the tone is decidedly progressive. there's also attention paid to a false equivalence between a delta in the mom's/kid's aesthetic tastes and a presumed delta in their relationship. she actually goes on to describe a very healthy, supportive relationship between them, even allowing the kid to write a few passages in the book from the kid's perspective. the author is also a high school teacher who interviewed 400+ kids for the book and some unknown number of other parents. strangely, i found her perspective as a teacher more informative than that as a parent. one sticking point for me was the references to magical oracles as though they were scientific insight. astrology and i ching are not valid sources of information, and shouldn't be presented alongside actual scientific research.

i can't help wondering if titling the book with the word "guide" was a publisher decision because at the time she wrote the book, ariel gore had not raised a teenager. the book begins with her daughter barely 13, and ends with her at 14.

still, i share her views on most things, and appreciate so much that it's out there, so it was an easy read for me. not sure i'd recommend it to anyone looking for a parenting guide per se, but then i don't think i know anyone who would. besides, isn't lived experience the best guide? isn't the best advice you've gotten just other mothers sharing their successes and failures?

i would recommend it to progressive parents, particularly any who live in unprogressive communities. also parent who, or parents of kids who, belong to groups that tend to be marginalized. it provides the affirmation that like there are many ways to live a life, there are many ways to raise a kid. anyone who needs that will find this book encouraging.

[Keri Ault · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the first half of this book. As my own kiddo is catapulting into a pre-teen, I appreciated her own challenges around her daughter's developing her own identify. The last half of the book was a bit irritating, as it gets a little preachy and tries to be instructional. Ariel Gore goes on a huge rant against the use of psychotropic meds. Maybe I wouldn't be so irritated if I wasn't a mental health professional who works with psychotic teens who need to take medication. In some ways I felt like this book was reassuring, in that I do know what I'm doing more than I thought. Cute, entertaining, but now earth shattering.

[Lois · Rating 3 out of 5]

Got a huge kick out of Ariel Gore's stories of parenting her daughter....the stereotypical topsy turvey relationship of a punk hippie / whatever Mom and her cheerleader daughter! The words included from the students Ariel teaches in Portland Oregon were a good addition.

[Dani · Rating 1 out of 5]

I would say that calling this a guide is not entirely accurate. It is more like a book of essays with some statistics and other parents' and teenagers' experiences. The book doesn't give advice like other parenting books.

[Randi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ariel Gore always writes as if you are talking to a girlfriend. Always funny and relatable. The book is useful in a general sense, about the neural wiring of teenage brains and in general letting kids individuate and find their own passions.

[Jaymi Boswell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a very non-conventional parenting handbook. I appreciated the fact that she did not apologize for being the mom that she is. I found many good hints and help through out.

[jess · Rating 2 out of 5]

this is kind of like written in the style of the vagina monologues meets chicken soup for the parent's soul, with a steamy injection of alterna-parenting.

[laureen · Rating 3 out of 5]

More a guide to letting go and not confusing your teen identity with your child's. Definitely a decent read, especially if you find yourself taking your teens behavior personally.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wouldn't call this a guide to raising a teenager. It's nice collection of thoughts and stories by a feminist/alternative-minded woman on raising her teenage daughter.