The Silent Female Scream

by Rosjke Hasseldine

"The Silent Female Scream" teaches "how to believe that as a woman you have the right to be heard, valued and respected, and to know that anything less is just not okay." Through case studies and discussion, the author exposes that women's sense of self-worth and entitlement to speak their needs, especially in relationships, is an area that feminism has ignored to its peril. By looking at the legacy of emotional silence that many women have inherited from long before grandmother's day, she warns that emotional silence damages the mother-daughter relationship, women's relationships with themselves and each other, and their equality and visibility. Using key questions, the author guides the reader to wake-up to her own learned silence and teaches a language of entitlement and visibility that has until now been missing for women.

Genres: Feminism

215 pages, Paperback

First published September 18, 2007

About the author

I grew up in New Zealand, which is where my interested in understanding the dynamics between mothers and daughters began. What started as a personal quest about my own difficult relationship with my mother quickly grew into a life-long passion. After graduating from Indiana University with a MS in Counseling, I moved to England, where I started working as a mother-daughter relationship therapist. I now live in New Hampshire.

Reviews

[Scoots · Rating 5 out of 5]

"We hear a silent female scream anywhere where females have silenced themselves out of fear. Fear of not being heard, of being criticised or ridiculed. Fear of invoking anger or disagreement they fear they cannot stand up against, fear of loss of rights, promotion, services, livelihood, or even life. The Silent Female Scream is present anytime a female is trying to speak her truth but isn’t heard, and then learns to believe that her words don’t matter anyhow. The Silent Female Scream is present when a female’s needs and feelings are not respected and instead are turned around as if it is her failing or her fault.

Being silenced is crazy-making. I have heard so many stories of women being silenced because they have spoken too strongly, too directly, too honestly, which somehow has the effect of giving the listener the excuse to completely ignore what they have said. These women are silenced by either being ignored, or through criticism and defensive remarks that turn their feelings around to be their fault or a symptom of something being wrong with them. Criticisms like being selfish or demanding: “How dare you?” or “How dare you upset me?” or, “Well, we all know that you don’t get on with your mother.” Over time, this can turn a sane-speaking female into a crazy-screaming madwoman because she isn’t being heard.

We start off speaking normally, but as we experience being ignored or criticised over and over again, we become a little desperate. We start thinking of ways to get heard. We speak again, perhaps louder or with different words, in the hope of being heard. We keep trying, with more volume and more effort, screaming to be heard, but each time we are ignored or rejected until we become this crazy-screaming madwoman. Still we keep trying, because we hope that the next time it will be different or that they will change. Of course, in a culture where angry females are bad females, crazy-screaming gives the listener a perfect excuse to ignore us and label us as “an angry bitch,” “abusive,” “out of control,” or “out of her mind.” And that is what it actually feels like. It feels bad, wrong, crazy, and out-of-control. But if we haven’t learned to recognise the language and belief system that silences us, we have no defence against feeling bad. We don’t know that it is the way we are being silenced that is wrong, not us and not our words."

[Millie · Rating 4 out of 5]

My therapist actually recommended me this book and I’m really happy they did. This book truly examines what being a woman and having to contain your emotion is really like. If you want a good feminism book to read that get to the point quickly would 100% recommend this book!

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a short, but powerful book. It helped me reflect on my relationship with 'selfishness' and other programmed beliefs. The author is an inspiration and she writes beautifully.