What do you think?
Rate this book
Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door: How to Protect Yourself Against a Ruthless Manipulator
From Dr. Martha Stout’s influential work The Sociopath Next Door , we learned how to identify a sociopath. Now she tells us what we actually can do about it.
“Mandatory reading on how to effectively deal with sociopaths before you get hurt.”—Joe Navarro, former FBI special agent and the author of Dangerous Personalities
While the best way to deal with a sociopath is to avoid him or her entirely, sometimes circumstance doesn't allow for that. What happens when the time comes to defend yourself against your own child, a ruthless ex-spouse, a boss, or another person in power? Using the many emails and letters she has received over the years, Dr. Martha Stout uncovers the psychology behind the sociopath’s methods and provides concrete guidelines to help navigate these dangerous interactions.
Organized around categories such as destructive narcissism, violent sociopaths, sociopathic coworkers, sociopathy in business and government, and the sociopath in your family, Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door contains detailed explanation and commentary on how best to react to keep the sociopath at bay. Uniting these categories is a discussion of changing psychological theories of personality and sociopathy and the enduring triumph of conscience over those who operate without empathy or concern for others. By understanding the person you’re dealing with, you’ll be able to gain the upper hand and escape the sociopath’s influence.
Whether you’re fighting a custody battle against a sociopathic ex or being gaslighted by a boss or coworker, you’ll find hope and help within these pages. With this guide to disarming the conscienceless, Dr. Stout provides an incisive new examination of human behavior and conceptions of normality and gives readers the tools needed to protect themselves.
“Mandatory reading on how to effectively deal with sociopaths before you get hurt.”—Joe Navarro, former FBI special agent and the author of Dangerous Personalities
While the best way to deal with a sociopath is to avoid him or her entirely, sometimes circumstance doesn't allow for that. What happens when the time comes to defend yourself against your own child, a ruthless ex-spouse, a boss, or another person in power? Using the many emails and letters she has received over the years, Dr. Martha Stout uncovers the psychology behind the sociopath’s methods and provides concrete guidelines to help navigate these dangerous interactions.
Organized around categories such as destructive narcissism, violent sociopaths, sociopathic coworkers, sociopathy in business and government, and the sociopath in your family, Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door contains detailed explanation and commentary on how best to react to keep the sociopath at bay. Uniting these categories is a discussion of changing psychological theories of personality and sociopathy and the enduring triumph of conscience over those who operate without empathy or concern for others. By understanding the person you’re dealing with, you’ll be able to gain the upper hand and escape the sociopath’s influence.
Whether you’re fighting a custody battle against a sociopathic ex or being gaslighted by a boss or coworker, you’ll find hope and help within these pages. With this guide to disarming the conscienceless, Dr. Stout provides an incisive new examination of human behavior and conceptions of normality and gives readers the tools needed to protect themselves.
281 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 21, 2020
285 people are currently reading
1882 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 117 reviews
March 26, 2023
My family has experienced dealing with a man without a conscience, so I am drawn to books like these. Trying to avoid future trouble, I suppose. I suspect that my paternal grandfather fit the bill as well, making his granddaughters susceptible to hooking up with similar men because it feels familiar. There's a reason I never married—having watched both of my younger sisters struggle to divest themselves of abusive husbands, I was cured of that desire. Because I'm pretty sure that my judgement is just as impaired.
I found the brain structure argument for sociopathy to be intriguing. That one part of the brain doesn't progress to completion in the fetus, resulting in a person unable to empathize or care about others. It will be interesting to see if this idea is supported by future research. I also saw the logic in stating that sociopathy is a lacking, a hole in the psyche, rather than a chosen evil. It doesn't make the behaviour of the sociopath excusable, but it does explain it somewhat. It kind of answers that most common of questions, why?
Just as your life is organized around the desire to be close to other people, a sociopathic life is organized around a need to control, frighten, and elicit obedience. To accomplish this is to “win,” and, for the loveless mind, winning is all there is. Hence the author's advice for getting free: be boring. This may require Academy Award winning performances, but the sociopath sees no need to be truthful, so why should those dealing with him or her? If the perpetrator gets no response to his gambits, the “game" loses its savour.
We should treasure our abilities to love, to be friends, and to have a satisfying emotional life. Although we may eventually feel compassion for the sociopathic, it should be felt at a distance in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones.
I found the brain structure argument for sociopathy to be intriguing. That one part of the brain doesn't progress to completion in the fetus, resulting in a person unable to empathize or care about others. It will be interesting to see if this idea is supported by future research. I also saw the logic in stating that sociopathy is a lacking, a hole in the psyche, rather than a chosen evil. It doesn't make the behaviour of the sociopath excusable, but it does explain it somewhat. It kind of answers that most common of questions, why?
Just as your life is organized around the desire to be close to other people, a sociopathic life is organized around a need to control, frighten, and elicit obedience. To accomplish this is to “win,” and, for the loveless mind, winning is all there is. Hence the author's advice for getting free: be boring. This may require Academy Award winning performances, but the sociopath sees no need to be truthful, so why should those dealing with him or her? If the perpetrator gets no response to his gambits, the “game" loses its savour.
We should treasure our abilities to love, to be friends, and to have a satisfying emotional life. Although we may eventually feel compassion for the sociopathic, it should be felt at a distance in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones.
February 5, 2021
Dr. Martha Stout does a very good job of describing the sociopath. There are examples throughout the book. There is a good comparison of the sociopath and the narcissist. The reader will not learn much about outsmarting sociopaths, but will get a better understanding of the situation of their victims and some good advice.
It is hard for normal people to fathom how someone can take pleasure from the pain of others, but brain research confirms its biological cause. Children born with the brain configuration described by Stout will scheme to hurt others because it gives them pleasure. They will continue this through adulthood. They select vulnerable targets and can cunningly disguise their character from those not targeted.
Only 20% of those in prisons are sociopaths since there are plenty of legal ways to make others miserable particularly if they have power over others (like a parent, child or boss) without breaking laws.
Narcissists differ from sociopaths in that they put themselves first. Whatever scheming they might do is to make others admire them. If this involves deception of and pain and loss for others, it is not a concern for them as long as they are basking in the glow of others and their own inner world.
Stout’s advice is more about contending with the sociopath than “outsmarting” him or her. In general the advice is good, particularly through examples of how to hide your feelings (denying the sociopath of their high) and how to document behavior if you have to go to an authority.
The book has examples of sociopathic institutions in the public and private sectors. If you follow the news, you will know about the examples she gives.
The final chapter has some uplifting words for those who suffer from the treachery of sociopaths.
This book will help those coping with a sociopath in their life. It will not deliver on outsmarting a sociopath but will deliver comfort and advice.
It is hard for normal people to fathom how someone can take pleasure from the pain of others, but brain research confirms its biological cause. Children born with the brain configuration described by Stout will scheme to hurt others because it gives them pleasure. They will continue this through adulthood. They select vulnerable targets and can cunningly disguise their character from those not targeted.
Only 20% of those in prisons are sociopaths since there are plenty of legal ways to make others miserable particularly if they have power over others (like a parent, child or boss) without breaking laws.
Narcissists differ from sociopaths in that they put themselves first. Whatever scheming they might do is to make others admire them. If this involves deception of and pain and loss for others, it is not a concern for them as long as they are basking in the glow of others and their own inner world.
Stout’s advice is more about contending with the sociopath than “outsmarting” him or her. In general the advice is good, particularly through examples of how to hide your feelings (denying the sociopath of their high) and how to document behavior if you have to go to an authority.
The book has examples of sociopathic institutions in the public and private sectors. If you follow the news, you will know about the examples she gives.
The final chapter has some uplifting words for those who suffer from the treachery of sociopaths.
This book will help those coping with a sociopath in their life. It will not deliver on outsmarting a sociopath but will deliver comfort and advice.
July 10, 2022
Had to go backwards here because of library availability, so I'm reading the OG Sociopath Next Door second. So my impressions may be skewed by not having read the first one. I listened to the audiobook, which was an excellent, brisk read. I found myself turning it on while I was getting ready for bed, finding additional opportunities to listen to it, which is the sign of a good audiobook. I turned off the TV for this!
Great, illustrative stories that were interesting. Some heartbreaking. I did think once or twice at the advice about disengaging/fighting back smart that, uh, what happens if you then piss off the sociopath more and they decide to ruin you? Anyway. ha. Loved the chapter on sociopaths vs. narcissists; I thought the way Stout differentiated between the two was specific, cogent, and illuminating.
A good one in the canon of pop-psych about sociopaths, for sure. Excited to read the first one.
Great, illustrative stories that were interesting. Some heartbreaking. I did think once or twice at the advice about disengaging/fighting back smart that, uh, what happens if you then piss off the sociopath more and they decide to ruin you? Anyway. ha. Loved the chapter on sociopaths vs. narcissists; I thought the way Stout differentiated between the two was specific, cogent, and illuminating.
A good one in the canon of pop-psych about sociopaths, for sure. Excited to read the first one.
February 15, 2022
I love true crime so I was so excited when Harmony Books sent me a copy of Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door. This book talks about mental health and what really makes a sociopath. It also talks about how to identify people who may be sociopaths in your life. I like how the author breaks down the different places you could encounter a sociopath and the comparison between a sociopath and a narcissist.
The sad part is these sociopaths are not usually criminals, but usually people we encounter on a day to day basis. They take pleasure in hurting others and having power over them, and this book talks about how not to give them what they want. It was interesting to hear about the differences in brain chemistry that make these people the way they are. Interesting read- 4 stars.
The sad part is these sociopaths are not usually criminals, but usually people we encounter on a day to day basis. They take pleasure in hurting others and having power over them, and this book talks about how not to give them what they want. It was interesting to hear about the differences in brain chemistry that make these people the way they are. Interesting read- 4 stars.
December 29, 2022
The even better sequel to the first one - plus action plans. This book caused me to look at humans a little less generously. But in a good way.
When the a sociopath is your child: there are no treatment centers schools or camps that can fix your child. They may improve behavior temporarily but the core disorder cannot be repaired by any known treatment. What has shown decent results is positive contingency management which is an if/then pairing . Where he gets positive rewards with good behavior. It works because it’s a game that the child can win against his parents where he can make him give things they would normally would not. It’s artificial and not fair to the other children who don’t get rewards for being decent humans, but it’s one of the few things that work, behavior wise - Not a true inner change.
Sociopaths as ex spouses: The courts favor sociopaths because they are tricked and manipulated by them. The sociopathic spouse can incite the good spouse to behave hysterically out of frustration while they remain calm which translates to friendliness before the judge, thus “winning” the child.
The Silver bullet to dealing with an ex spouse is to be boring. Show them that they will not get under your skin, and rage you or frustrate you. You are his entertainment and he wants to make you jump and show anger or fear for entertainment. It makes him feel powerful and in control. Being boring is the best ammunition. Act as if you don’t care.
“ inside of the human mind that cannot love, there is only a compulsion to compete. A sociopathic life is organized around a need to control, frightened, and illicit obedience. To accomplish this as to win. Winning as all there is. They comprise the single largest group of domestic abusers but they are often not murderers.”
Sociopath or narcissist? They are closely linked but sociopaths can be defined as cold (calculating)and narcissists as hot (tempered). Sociopaths are devoid of both conscience and empathy but the narcissist only lacks empathy. He has the capacity to Bond so he does experience the emotion of conscience. But that conscience is severely flawed because of his ignorance of other peoples feelings and needs.
“The emotional dysregulation that results in pathological narcissism is thought to be induced between birth and age 2 as opposed to the emotion processing deficit in sociopathy which is partly genetic. The comparison is: having an arm severely damaged in early childhood as opposed to having been born without an arm“
Corporations as sociopaths: The goal is to maximize profits but some corporations ignore morality, safety and happiness of human beings. “Corporations are supposed to make money and listen to feedback from the stockholders but if nothing stands in their way the trajectory towards sociopathy can gain steam. A corporation need not be run by sociopaths to exhibit sociopathic tendencies. Overtime executives may gradually lower the bar on the ethics as opportunities for greater earnings appear. The employees may not even recognize they are jeopardizing the public they claim to serve. Examples: Monsanto, opiate crisis, tobacco.
Six out of 10 people will follow the orders of a perceived authority figure when in his presence. They may not be bad people “but it’s believed that the authority presence could put the conscience to sleep because the obedient person makes an adjustment of thought which is to see himself as not responsible for his own actions”.
The entire book was excellent. Valuable information to arm yourself with.
When the a sociopath is your child: there are no treatment centers schools or camps that can fix your child. They may improve behavior temporarily but the core disorder cannot be repaired by any known treatment. What has shown decent results is positive contingency management which is an if/then pairing . Where he gets positive rewards with good behavior. It works because it’s a game that the child can win against his parents where he can make him give things they would normally would not. It’s artificial and not fair to the other children who don’t get rewards for being decent humans, but it’s one of the few things that work, behavior wise - Not a true inner change.
Sociopaths as ex spouses: The courts favor sociopaths because they are tricked and manipulated by them. The sociopathic spouse can incite the good spouse to behave hysterically out of frustration while they remain calm which translates to friendliness before the judge, thus “winning” the child.
The Silver bullet to dealing with an ex spouse is to be boring. Show them that they will not get under your skin, and rage you or frustrate you. You are his entertainment and he wants to make you jump and show anger or fear for entertainment. It makes him feel powerful and in control. Being boring is the best ammunition. Act as if you don’t care.
“ inside of the human mind that cannot love, there is only a compulsion to compete. A sociopathic life is organized around a need to control, frightened, and illicit obedience. To accomplish this as to win. Winning as all there is. They comprise the single largest group of domestic abusers but they are often not murderers.”
Sociopath or narcissist? They are closely linked but sociopaths can be defined as cold (calculating)and narcissists as hot (tempered). Sociopaths are devoid of both conscience and empathy but the narcissist only lacks empathy. He has the capacity to Bond so he does experience the emotion of conscience. But that conscience is severely flawed because of his ignorance of other peoples feelings and needs.
“The emotional dysregulation that results in pathological narcissism is thought to be induced between birth and age 2 as opposed to the emotion processing deficit in sociopathy which is partly genetic. The comparison is: having an arm severely damaged in early childhood as opposed to having been born without an arm“
Corporations as sociopaths: The goal is to maximize profits but some corporations ignore morality, safety and happiness of human beings. “Corporations are supposed to make money and listen to feedback from the stockholders but if nothing stands in their way the trajectory towards sociopathy can gain steam. A corporation need not be run by sociopaths to exhibit sociopathic tendencies. Overtime executives may gradually lower the bar on the ethics as opportunities for greater earnings appear. The employees may not even recognize they are jeopardizing the public they claim to serve. Examples: Monsanto, opiate crisis, tobacco.
Six out of 10 people will follow the orders of a perceived authority figure when in his presence. They may not be bad people “but it’s believed that the authority presence could put the conscience to sleep because the obedient person makes an adjustment of thought which is to see himself as not responsible for his own actions”.
The entire book was excellent. Valuable information to arm yourself with.
May 16, 2020
Even though this book had some useful information about dealing with sociopaths-- mainly, do everything possible to disengage-- it was not what I had hoped for. Stout's first book, The Sociopath Next Door was so good that I have been recommending it for more than a decade. I had been hoping for a followup to that book, but this just didn't live up to my expectations, which might just have been too high.
July 17, 2020
I loved the earlier book, The Sociopath Next Door and this book is just as good, if not better, because it gives concrete examples of the sociopaths you can face in different circumstances. I am going to get a copy of this book for one of my coworkers who has been dealing with an absolute GEM of a coworker for years now and this book may help them to put some perspective on the nastiness of the person they have to deal with on a daily basis and maybe how to better handle the situation and themselves.
I like how she divided the book up into chapters on the different ways you may encounter a sociopath. The one that interested me the most was the section dealing with the workplace, though the book deals with other areas as well, such as in the home.
I also like how she explained the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath. Both are somewhat similar, but there are also important differences as well.
Ordering this for the store and for me and friends who I think could benefit from this book. 5 stars, all the way.
My thanks to NetGalley and Rodale Inc./Harmony for an eARC copy of this book to read and review.
I like how she divided the book up into chapters on the different ways you may encounter a sociopath. The one that interested me the most was the section dealing with the workplace, though the book deals with other areas as well, such as in the home.
I also like how she explained the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath. Both are somewhat similar, but there are also important differences as well.
Ordering this for the store and for me and friends who I think could benefit from this book. 5 stars, all the way.
My thanks to NetGalley and Rodale Inc./Harmony for an eARC copy of this book to read and review.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 1, 2020
In a nutshell:
A sociopath has physical differences in his or her brain that make him or her unable to bond with others. This person cannot feel love, not even toward his or her own children.
If you encounter a sociopath, get away as soon as you can.
If you are facing the person in court, focus on measurable actions rather than trying to establish a diagnosis or get even.
If this person is your child and still a minor, it is possible to retrain him or her to stop physically or psychologically harming others, but understand that this child will never love anyone unless there is a scientific breakthrough. Rewards need to be material, such as candy and toys, rather than hugs from you or extra time spent with you.
And my favorite advice in the book: If you encounter a sociopath and cannot get away, do your best to be boring. Sociopaths care only about winning and about making other people jump. They are bored almost all the time. If you stop showing fear and anger, it is likely that the sociopath will move on to other things and people. You can't cure this person, but you can protect yourself and those around you.
I love the brisk, no-nonsense tone and the empathy toward survivors. Minus one star for being too repetitive and for not being up to date on a few issues. (The evidence for mirror neurons is weaker than it first appeared, and at least one participant in the Stanford prison experiment has said he knew exactly what savagery the scientists wanted and did his best to give it to them.)
A sociopath has physical differences in his or her brain that make him or her unable to bond with others. This person cannot feel love, not even toward his or her own children.
If you encounter a sociopath, get away as soon as you can.
If you are facing the person in court, focus on measurable actions rather than trying to establish a diagnosis or get even.
If this person is your child and still a minor, it is possible to retrain him or her to stop physically or psychologically harming others, but understand that this child will never love anyone unless there is a scientific breakthrough. Rewards need to be material, such as candy and toys, rather than hugs from you or extra time spent with you.
And my favorite advice in the book: If you encounter a sociopath and cannot get away, do your best to be boring. Sociopaths care only about winning and about making other people jump. They are bored almost all the time. If you stop showing fear and anger, it is likely that the sociopath will move on to other things and people. You can't cure this person, but you can protect yourself and those around you.
I love the brisk, no-nonsense tone and the empathy toward survivors. Minus one star for being too repetitive and for not being up to date on a few issues. (The evidence for mirror neurons is weaker than it first appeared, and at least one participant in the Stanford prison experiment has said he knew exactly what savagery the scientists wanted and did his best to give it to them.)
December 28, 2022
Barely 3 stars again. But better than the first book.
Only 20% of prison inmates are sociopaths. There are many that fly under the radar and are allowed to "exist".
The courts are designed so that sociopaths slip through the cracks, for example by being able to lie under oath and finding loopholes in laws with their cunning and intelligence. The legal system is concrete and non physiological.
(This was the only method that she talked about where you can actually outsmart the sociopath next door) Sometimes the best ammunition to use against a sociopath is to be boring. They find excitement in stirring you up. That's why they find people who they can prey on. They want emotional reactions. Note, the author said this works for child custody. So essentially we fight fire with fire and beat them at their own game by becoming robots and emotionless. I can agree with that.
Industries, corporations, businesses, and governments can all be sociopathic.
Authority puts conscience to sleep.
Only 20% of prison inmates are sociopaths. There are many that fly under the radar and are allowed to "exist".
The courts are designed so that sociopaths slip through the cracks, for example by being able to lie under oath and finding loopholes in laws with their cunning and intelligence. The legal system is concrete and non physiological.
(This was the only method that she talked about where you can actually outsmart the sociopath next door) Sometimes the best ammunition to use against a sociopath is to be boring. They find excitement in stirring you up. That's why they find people who they can prey on. They want emotional reactions. Note, the author said this works for child custody. So essentially we fight fire with fire and beat them at their own game by becoming robots and emotionless. I can agree with that.
Industries, corporations, businesses, and governments can all be sociopathic.
Authority puts conscience to sleep.
May 31, 2020
Not as tight as her “Sociopath Next Door,” this volume is still interesting. It focuses on several situations in which a person might be enmeshed with a sociopath without an easy way out: ex-spouses with shared children, children who are sociopaths, and so on. Her concrete advice seems really helpful.
June 5, 2020
a fascinating exploration of the conscienceless and strategies for outmaneuvering them.
stout clearly defines sociopathy as a lack of conscience—an inability to make any kind of meaningful, empathic connection to other living beings. sociopaths want what they want and simply cannot feel guilt for even the most cruel behavior. they are cold and calculating and prone to boredom. as a result, they seek diversion through risky behaviors and manipulating people. they may moderate their nasty behavior only from a desire to not be detected.
stout stresses that there is no known cure for sociopathy—and that all known therapies for children diagnosed with "conduct disorder" are actually known to worsen behavior—and so recommends first and foremost that we avoid sociopaths entirely; do not engage.
however, for those times when avoidance is not feasible—when the sociopath is your own child, your coworker/boss at a job too valuable to leave, your opponent in a custody battle, or a corporate entitity/governing body—stout offers tactics for outmaneuvering them. primarily, she says, sociopaths feed on eliciting an emotional response from their victims—playing them like marionettes for the sheer diversion value. hence, when dealing with a sociopath, learn to appear bland, boring, emotionless, unaffected—even if the sociopath's provocations genuinely do disturb you. because, if the sociopath can't get a rise out of you, you become too boring to tolerate, and they move on to toy with someone else. this is your best course of action, she counsels, because the sociopath will always be more willing to resort to cruelty than will anyone with a conscience and in fact is practiced at sinking to any depth to win. you don't want to engage in a competition with a sociopath, stout says.
stout differentiates sociopaths from narcissists at length. the latter, she says, do have a limited ability to meaningfully connect with others and experience guilt and shame, but they are incapable of understanding other people's emotions—much like an infant cannot differentiate fully between themselves and their caregiver—and as a result blatantly lie and manipulate to reconcile their worldview with any evidence that they may be mistaken. being mistaken is intolerable to the narcissist, because to them, their experiences/feelings/needs/preferences ARE reality. interestingly, stout says that, while she has never treated donald j. trump, based on her observations alone she would categorize him as a narcissist, not a sociopath. narcissists, she says, come off as buffoonish and exasperating, while sociopaths come off as chilling and frightening.
fantastic read. martha stout is the best.
voice actor does a solid job narrating audiobook.
stout clearly defines sociopathy as a lack of conscience—an inability to make any kind of meaningful, empathic connection to other living beings. sociopaths want what they want and simply cannot feel guilt for even the most cruel behavior. they are cold and calculating and prone to boredom. as a result, they seek diversion through risky behaviors and manipulating people. they may moderate their nasty behavior only from a desire to not be detected.
stout stresses that there is no known cure for sociopathy—and that all known therapies for children diagnosed with "conduct disorder" are actually known to worsen behavior—and so recommends first and foremost that we avoid sociopaths entirely; do not engage.
however, for those times when avoidance is not feasible—when the sociopath is your own child, your coworker/boss at a job too valuable to leave, your opponent in a custody battle, or a corporate entitity/governing body—stout offers tactics for outmaneuvering them. primarily, she says, sociopaths feed on eliciting an emotional response from their victims—playing them like marionettes for the sheer diversion value. hence, when dealing with a sociopath, learn to appear bland, boring, emotionless, unaffected—even if the sociopath's provocations genuinely do disturb you. because, if the sociopath can't get a rise out of you, you become too boring to tolerate, and they move on to toy with someone else. this is your best course of action, she counsels, because the sociopath will always be more willing to resort to cruelty than will anyone with a conscience and in fact is practiced at sinking to any depth to win. you don't want to engage in a competition with a sociopath, stout says.
stout differentiates sociopaths from narcissists at length. the latter, she says, do have a limited ability to meaningfully connect with others and experience guilt and shame, but they are incapable of understanding other people's emotions—much like an infant cannot differentiate fully between themselves and their caregiver—and as a result blatantly lie and manipulate to reconcile their worldview with any evidence that they may be mistaken. being mistaken is intolerable to the narcissist, because to them, their experiences/feelings/needs/preferences ARE reality. interestingly, stout says that, while she has never treated donald j. trump, based on her observations alone she would categorize him as a narcissist, not a sociopath. narcissists, she says, come off as buffoonish and exasperating, while sociopaths come off as chilling and frightening.
fantastic read. martha stout is the best.
voice actor does a solid job narrating audiobook.
September 14, 2025
Felt far too much like pop-psychology. Maybe her insights are useful, maybe they fall apart when they hit the real world. It’s information that is difficult to falsify because most readers don’t have close contact with an individual they know to be sociopathic, or having ASPD. I wish there was more science, other perspectives addressed, etc. Those little letters on the cover, PhD, are doing waaaaay too much of the heavy lifting.
Some good advice on how to deal with a narrow category of toxic relationships.
Some good advice on how to deal with a narrow category of toxic relationships.
April 22, 2020
Thanks to NetGalley and Rodale Inc. for the advanced ebook of "Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door" in exchange for my honest review.
"Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout is exactly what it sounds like: a guide to dealing with sociopaths when avoiding them is impossible. Stout begins with explaining what is (and is not) sociopathic behavior and the dives into the different unavoidable situations you may find yourself in. From there she details how to protect yourself and others with advice on procedures and behaviors for you to employ.
This read was absolutely fascinating. I felt like I was studying to be on the Criminal Minds team. Understanding human behavior is always fascinating, especially when dealing with deviations from the norm. Stout has clearly done extensive research and it shows. She provides many stories and examples from a variety of sources that made this book feel like a complete collection of situations.
Stout also surprised me by having more of an understanding approach. She looks to understand the behavior, rather than to condemn it. She isn't approving the behavior, but she does acknowledge the deficiency sociopathic individuals are working with that create their behaviors. This outlook may benefit individuals in difficult situations to maintain a cool head and not provide a much desired reaction.
Stout does provide some interesting thoughts on evil and its origins that I'm not quite sure I agree with. She goes into a tangent on religion and I'm not sure it was necessary in this particular book in the way it was used.
Overall, I gave this book 4 stars because it captured my attention for the entire length of the book and provided me with information I'm not sure I would be able to get anywhere else.
"Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout is exactly what it sounds like: a guide to dealing with sociopaths when avoiding them is impossible. Stout begins with explaining what is (and is not) sociopathic behavior and the dives into the different unavoidable situations you may find yourself in. From there she details how to protect yourself and others with advice on procedures and behaviors for you to employ.
This read was absolutely fascinating. I felt like I was studying to be on the Criminal Minds team. Understanding human behavior is always fascinating, especially when dealing with deviations from the norm. Stout has clearly done extensive research and it shows. She provides many stories and examples from a variety of sources that made this book feel like a complete collection of situations.
Stout also surprised me by having more of an understanding approach. She looks to understand the behavior, rather than to condemn it. She isn't approving the behavior, but she does acknowledge the deficiency sociopathic individuals are working with that create their behaviors. This outlook may benefit individuals in difficult situations to maintain a cool head and not provide a much desired reaction.
Stout does provide some interesting thoughts on evil and its origins that I'm not quite sure I agree with. She goes into a tangent on religion and I'm not sure it was necessary in this particular book in the way it was used.
Overall, I gave this book 4 stars because it captured my attention for the entire length of the book and provided me with information I'm not sure I would be able to get anywhere else.
June 30, 2020
Don't let the title fool you. This book will do very little to help you cope with whatever sociopaths you may encounter. The sum of Stout's advice is "don't give them a reaction to their tactics, report them to higher-ups where feasible, and get out if you can." If you're looking for practical advice, there are many better books.
That said, there's some valuable stuff here, particularly in the chapter on distinguishing a narcissist from a sociopath. Since the two disorders share many traits, the material here is interesting, but does not particularly help readers with strategies to cope with either flavour of destructive pathology.
The final chapter in particular is out of place. Certainly, Stout is wise to advise against nurturing hatred or revenge fantasies, and yes, our ability to love and empathize with others is terribly valuable, but this extended paean to love triumphing over evil seems tone-deaf in a book purporting to provide practical help to people whose lives are being destroyed.
Stout's first book in this series, The Sociopath Next Door, was pretty darned good. This one feels like she wanted to ride the wave a little longer, but didn't have anything pressing to add.
That said, there's some valuable stuff here, particularly in the chapter on distinguishing a narcissist from a sociopath. Since the two disorders share many traits, the material here is interesting, but does not particularly help readers with strategies to cope with either flavour of destructive pathology.
The final chapter in particular is out of place. Certainly, Stout is wise to advise against nurturing hatred or revenge fantasies, and yes, our ability to love and empathize with others is terribly valuable, but this extended paean to love triumphing over evil seems tone-deaf in a book purporting to provide practical help to people whose lives are being destroyed.
Stout's first book in this series, The Sociopath Next Door, was pretty darned good. This one feels like she wanted to ride the wave a little longer, but didn't have anything pressing to add.
July 27, 2024
In my opinion the first book I read by Stout several years ago - Sociopath Next Door - was much better. Some of the case studies in this book were shocking, particularly about abuse of women and children. This book is best suited to people who are actively dealing with a sociopath in their personal or professional life. The take-home message is that sociopaths enjoy getting a rise out of others so the most effective solution is for the victim to minimize their reaction. The last chapter was about differences between narcissists and sociopaths, which were mostly provided in the form of lengthy lists. I found it difficult to fully grasp the difference between the two conditions and wish she'd provided contrasting case studies of each as exemplars.
November 14, 2023
Very heavy read, but informative. It's difficult to rate the book because I didn't exactly "enjoy" the read, but I found some things helpful. Bottom line, to quote the author, the best course of action is "avoidance". I found the book helpful in recognizing sociopathic tendencies and appreciated the author's reiterance of how a persistent pattern is needed to identify a "sociopath" and not just one or two occurrences. The most beneficial chapter to me was recognizing the difference between a "narcissist" and a "sociopath", especially in today's society where every person's mistake seems to result in them being labeled a "narcissist".
April 28, 2022
A few things irritated me. There is no evil she said in the beginning of the book and then contradicts that premise in the ending chapters.
She has a whole section on sociopathic corporation. Urgh?! What?! As in, an entity has no conscience or guiding practices. …Then, she speaks of sociopathic governments and shares leaders in history that destroyed humanity. Leaders within governments can be sociopathic, not the government entity.
She has a whole section on sociopathic corporation. Urgh?! What?! As in, an entity has no conscience or guiding practices. …Then, she speaks of sociopathic governments and shares leaders in history that destroyed humanity. Leaders within governments can be sociopathic, not the government entity.
May 19, 2020
For anyone who has had the displeasure of having a sociopath or narcissist in their lives (whether it be a spouse, boss, parent, etc.) this book provides invaluable perspective and very practical tools for dealing with those manipulators.
October 1, 2024
Terrifying but extremely informative.
November 15, 2020
Much like the author's other book, The Sociopath Next Door, this is a surface level introduction to more mundane Sociopaths and how to deal with them if you have no other choice (as the best advice stated in the book is to avoid and get rid of them from your life entirely).
A lot of the content is similar or repeated from the other book, but the stories are new and it has a nice section at the end covering some of the more violent sociopaths that exist, as well as a Narcissist vs Sociopath segment that attempts to distinguish the two disorders.
It's a fast, quick read with some good starting advice.
A lot of the content is similar or repeated from the other book, but the stories are new and it has a nice section at the end covering some of the more violent sociopaths that exist, as well as a Narcissist vs Sociopath segment that attempts to distinguish the two disorders.
It's a fast, quick read with some good starting advice.
September 27, 2021
This phenomenal publication delves deep into the hidden traits of sociopathy and how one can distinguish such individuals in a plethora of settings/relations: sociopathic minors, persons of authority, sociopaths in court, and the iciest of all: assaultive and homicidal sociopaths. In addition, there are several psychological tips and tricks to help one identity a full-functioning sociopath in a variety of environments and connections/associations.
This edition is excellent for individuals that interested in psychology, sociology, and a hint of neuroscience.
This edition is excellent for individuals that interested in psychology, sociology, and a hint of neuroscience.
March 2, 2025
I appreciated not only the clinical depictions and real life situations but also the continuous reminders of how to keep one safe (don't feed into the behaviors, be boring, keep record, don't isolate). As I work in this field I found the book relatable and also factual.
Read
July 27, 20203.5 stars
October 14, 2020
Really interesting book. I've been wanting to read the Sociopath Next Door for a while now, but never find it available in the library, so decided to go with this one. I liked that it covered the basics of sociopathy, and then told a number of stories, and then gave practical advice for dealing with a sociopath should you ever become entangled with one (knock wood I never have to use the advice... or is this one of those things that if you don't know any sociopaths then you are it in your circle?). What I especially liked was the extensive section on the difference between sociopathy and narcissism - that was really fascinating.
What I found interesting, and I would like to look into it more, was the implication throughout (and the outright saying several times) that sociopaths are always destructive to people and cannot help themselves from destroying others. Is this true? Are there really no sociopaths who learn to function without destroying others? I have to believe there are. Though this author makes clear that there are not and cannot be any sociopaths who don't mess with people. Maybe the point was made because those who are seeking to read this book probably are dealing with destructive sociopaths and need the support of saying it? Who knows, but interesting nonetheless.
I will certainly be continuing to look for the original of this book.
What I found interesting, and I would like to look into it more, was the implication throughout (and the outright saying several times) that sociopaths are always destructive to people and cannot help themselves from destroying others. Is this true? Are there really no sociopaths who learn to function without destroying others? I have to believe there are. Though this author makes clear that there are not and cannot be any sociopaths who don't mess with people. Maybe the point was made because those who are seeking to read this book probably are dealing with destructive sociopaths and need the support of saying it? Who knows, but interesting nonetheless.
I will certainly be continuing to look for the original of this book.
March 14, 2021
ciekawa książka o tym, jak rozpoznać socjopatę i jak sobie radzić w relacji z nim. natomiast wydawała mi się dość powierzchowna i zabrakło mi w niej dokładniejszych informacji.
December 11, 2023
read for the second time - excellent as the first time!
July 31, 2021
In The Sociopath Next Door, Dr. Martha Stout highlighted various ways of identifying a sociopath and Thirteen Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life. In Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door, She uncovers the psychology behind the sociopath’s methods and provides concrete guidelines to help navigate these dangerous interactions.
Sociopaths are human beings who look like everyone else—so well camouflaged that their true nature may have gone unrecognized for years or even decades.
Favourite Take-aways
Evil behavior emanates from an emotional hole, and being unaware of this has severely limited our ability to deal with ruthlessness in our day-to-day lives and in our society.
Personality Awareness
We must learn that, despite their trademark lack of emotion, sociopaths are “emotion-eaters.” They have an intense desire to witness their control over us by inciting our confusion, anger, and fear. They feed off the negative emotions of others. Knowing when and how not to display emotion—how to remain calm in the presence of a sociopath rather than feeding him with our immediate feelings—is a vital skill.
“The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.”—ERIC HOFFER
Wickedness is not an invasive spirit or thing, nor is it some shadowy part of the primal human brain. It is the opposite: rather than an entity that we could observe or at least feel, evil is an absence. Instead of something, it is a hollowness where something should have been. True evil is an empty hole, nothing more—and nothing less.
Conscience
The warm feelings that are part of normal human bonding (love of family and friends, caring, affection, gratitude) are the basis of what we call conscience; without them, conscience cannot be. Conscience is ever-present in the lives of people who are emotionally whole.
Sociopath Defined
According to a newer (2013) version of the manual (DSM-5), antisocial personality disorder is “characterized by a pervasive pattern of poor social conformity, deceitfulness, impulsivity, criminality, and lack of remorse” and is diagnosable when three or more of the following seven “pathological personality traits” are present:
Manipulativeness: Frequent use of subterfuge to influence or control others; use of seduction, charm, glibness, or ingratiation to achieve one’s ends.”
Deceitfulness: Dishonesty and fraudulence; misrepresentation of self; embellishment or fabrication when relating events.
Callousness: Lack of concern for feelings or problems of others; lack of guilt or remorse about the negative or harmful effects of one’s actions on others; aggression; sadism.
Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults; mean, nasty, or vengeful behavior.
Irresponsibility: Disregard for—and failure to honor—financial and other obligations or commitments; lack of respect for—and lack of follow-through on—agreements and promises.
Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; dificulty establishing and following plans.
Risk-taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard for consequences; boredom proneness and thoughtless initiation of activities to counter boredom; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.
Isopraxism
Isopraxism, or reflexive mirroring, means duplicating another’s body language, gestures, vocal tone, accent, word and metaphor choice, facial expression, and even breathing rate. It often occurs automatically between close friends, lovers, and people who are flirting. Usually unnoticed by either party, isopraxism tends to deepen a sense of trust and emotional closeness between two people in a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, to beguile and maneuver a victim into a distinctly unhealthy liaison, the sociopath can consciously employ such trust-inducing behaviors—all the while supplying hyperbolic flattery and appearing to be fascinated by the victim’s interests and concerns.
Crocodile tears
When challenged on his or her manipulative and callous behavior—and, in some cases, actual lawbreaking—the sociopath is adept at producing crocodile tears and playing the part of the wounded or vulnerable party.
The Pity Play
A behavior meant to exploit the normal person’s tendency to feel sympathy and compassion—is often the only sign of sociopathy that is visible to the untrained eye. This usually happens after the sociopath has been discovered in some particularly egregious act and repeated claims of innocence have not been effective. Suddenly, the sociopath alleges that he or she is hurt, deeply depressed, dramatically remorseful, or physically ill.
The Game
After the sociopath has been found out, a typical sequence of ploys is threefold:
protestations of innocence – “Why would I do such a thing?”
pity play – “I’ve been feeling suicidal lately, and these accusations are going to push me over the edge!”)”
Rage – finally, if neither denying the truth nor the pity play has succeeded in closing the issue, a stunning and seemingly incongruous display of rage that includes threatening the accuser with harm if she or he persists.
Just like everyone
Their faces are not frightening or evil-looking; nor do sociopaths appear to be insane. They do not hide in dark corners, or speak in menacing voices, or foam at the mouth. Most sociopaths look and sound just like us. They vary widely in degree of education, intelligence, and talent, just as we do. They are to be found in minimum-wage jobs as well as in high-powered professional and political careers, and in all the many stations in between.
They are welfare recipients and welfare policymakers, factory workers and factory owners, students, teachers, artists, doctors, lawyers, CEOs, and any other sort of person one might conceivably encounter in our society. They look like us, appear to have lives just like ours, and the great majority of them will never be chased by the police, tried in court, or thrown into prison.
On average, only about 20 percent of prison inmates in the United States are sociopaths.
Kazdin Method
The best way to eliminate an unwanted behavior is to build a strong alternative behavior in its place, what’s called the positive opposite of the unwanted behavior. The Kazdin Method® provides step-by-step instruction in how to do this under almost any conditions without throwing rewards at your child.
COMPETITIVE BEHAVIOR
One of the surprising giveaways of sociopathic behavior is that often it is not self-promoting in the usual sense. Typically, the sociopath “competes”—violently, verbally, sexually, or in some other way—for the exclusive purposes of diminishing and controlling others, such that sociopathic competition looks less like vying with another person for resources and advancement (normal behavior in many work settings) and more like tormenting and attempting to damage another person just for fun (distinctly abnormal and disruptive behavior in any work setting).
Vulnerability
To initiate a sociopathic pattern, the ruthless may pick the especially vulnerable, because, as we have just seen, this is horrifyingly easy. Sociopaths who have more power and resources themselves often will take aim at more challenging targets—individuals who are extremely accomplished in their careers—apparently because such people inspire envy and also because they supply greater sport.
The American Medical Association estimates that as many as 75 percent of sociopaths are dependent on alcohol, and 50 percent abuse other drugs.
Sociopaths who turn to lethal violence are in the minority. Most conscienceless people are destructive liars and manipulators who play brutal psychological, financial, and political games with our lives, and they comprise the single largest group of domestic abusers—which is to say, people who attempt to enhance their sense of power and control by beating up on spouses, children, and the elderly—but they are not often murderers. However, when they are, the results are severely disturbing.
No face of Evil
We want our monsters to look like monsters. That we should want this makes good sense: if everyone who did hideous things looked like a person who did hideous things, we would know for sure that we were safe when we encountered people who looked like regular folks. But there is no face of evil.
Pamela Smart, who conspired with friends to kill her husband, had been a cheerleader in high school. Notorious serial killer Ted Bundy was so handsome and charismatic that women sent marriage proposals to him on death row. The Parkland, Florida, school shooter, Nikolas Cruz, while in prison, has received romantic, sympathetic notes from girls.
“We tend to conjure entirely the wrong images when we try to keep ourselves safe from those who commit horrors. Assaultive and violent sociopaths, though a small minority, constitute a compelling reason to raise our awareness of the sociopathic pattern.”
The absence of conscience—whether it be called sociopathy or psychopathy—is the psychological disconnection from the common well of human caring. Such detachment leaves only the desire to diminish and dominate one’s fellows, the ultimate expression of which is killing them.
Battered spouse syndrome
Battered spouse syndrome, a psychologically crippling reaction to repeated trauma. The assaulted spouse becomes so shell-shocked that she is terrified of leaving. An especially paralyzing aspect of battered spouse syndrome is that the abused spouse comes to believe she has brought her plight on herself—that she somehow deserves the abuser’s brutal behavior—and that therefore she does not deserve to escape.
Cyber Assault
For the first time in human history, we can torment and victimize someone without direct contact. Cyberassault is not thought of as murder—although it has certainly led to suicides. It is a modern version of consciencelessness that relieves the assaulter of bloody hands. Done from a distance, sometimes anonymously, it gives the sociopath the same glee, the same happiness that he’s ruining someone’s life, as direct assault and victimization.
Computer science and other technologies advance so quickly that often we are not able to keep up with them emotionally, morally, or even legally. Our furiously changing circumstances have conferred myriad blessings of creativity and communication—and, frighteningly, they have accidentally provided new and almost completely unregulated playing fields for the conscienceless.
Certain activities on these playing fields demonstrate that destroying a life can be done without even touching the victim and without any of the traditional weapons: no guns, no knives—just soul-crushing words and images on electronic screens. Among the most heartbreaking illustrations of the sociopath’s coldness of heart are accounts of cyberbullying by adolescents and young adults. In cyberspace, efforts at deceit and predation are limited only by the imagination of the perpetrator.
Ten Key Guidelines
The best way to deal with a sociopath is to avoid him or her, to refuse any kind of contact or communication. The only completely effective way to protect yourself is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live wholly outside of the social contract, and, violent or not, they are always destructive. But, unfortunately, it is not always possible to avoid the sociopath, even after he or she has been identified.
TEN KEY GUIDELINES WHEN YOU MUST FIGHT A SOCIOPATH
GUIDELINE #1: UNDERSTAND THE PERSON YOU ARE DEALING WITH
GUIDELINE #2: UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ON THE SIDE OF GOOD; ENVISION A MISSION.
GUIDELINE #3: CHANGE THE GAME.
GUIDELINE #4: FOCUS CLEARLY ON YOUR OWN GOAL.
GUIDELINE #5: DO NOT GIVE THE SOCIOPATH WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS.
GUIDELINE #6: ENLIST OTHERS.
GUIDELINE #7: UNDERSTAND THAT THIS MISSION IS ONLY ONE PART OF YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW.
GUIDELINE #8: DO NOT CATASTROPHIZE.
GUIDELINE #9: TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH.
GUIDELINE #10: PROTECT YOURSELF FROM VIOLENCE.
The sociopath is winning each time you do any of the following:
Fail to understand his true nature
Play by his rules
Lose sight of your real goals
Let him see your anger, your confusion, or your hurt
Remain isolated and attempt to go it alone
Spend all your time and energy dealing with or thinking about him
Lose your balance and set impossibly huge tasks for yourself
Lose your patience (which is a virture you are developing)
Allow yourself to panic or catastrophize (imagine outcomes far worse than any that are likely)
Allow yourself to remain so stressed that your functioning is affected or you get sick altogether
Lose your guiding sense of the meaning, history, and shared experience of what you are doing (your “mission”)
Looked at the other way around, you are winning each time you do any of the following:
Remind yourself of the objective information you have learned about sociopaths
Reflect on the fact that your conflict with this ruthless individual is part of a much larger and older contest between human connection and hollowness
Change the game on the sociopath (redefine what it means to win)
Focus on your own goal instead of his
Shield your emotions from the sociopath
Strengthen ties with people who do possess conscience and empathy
Divide your mission into doable steps
Pace yourself
Remain rational and pragmatic
Attend to your health by practicing a stress-reduction technique
“In general, the narcissist delights in being singled out; the sociopath wishes to blend in.”
sociopathy vs narcissism
Where the sociopath is devoid of both conscience and empathy, the narcissist lacks “only” empathy. In other words, the sociopath can neither form feelings of connection with others nor directly perceive their emotions, whereas the narcissist cannot perceive the emotions of others but can, in his way, form interpersonal bonds. Because he has the capacity to bond, the narcissist does experience the emotion of conscience. But his ability to act on that conscience is severely flawed by his impenetrable ignorance of other people’s feelings and needs.
Healthy vs Malignant Narcissism
All of us need a certain amount of normal self-regard (“healthy narcissism”) to develop normally and thrive in adult life, but when that feeling grows out of proportion and overwhelms other feelings, we come to suffer from narcissism.
When narcissism grows so large that it hurts relationships and other people, some professionals call it pathological or pernicious or malignant narcissism. When a person is referred to as simply narcissistic, the usual implication is that his relationships and the people in his life are being harmed and that the word pathological would apply.
Narcissistic Injury and Rage
When another person, or the world at large, comes across with criticism or a reality concern, he experiences what psychoanalysts refer to as a “narcissistic injury”—a psychological threat to his fragile but all-important inner world. Typically, the narcissist will respond to such an affront, even a seemingly slight one, with a primal rage—a seemingly inexplicable white-hot fury that initially feels frightening to other people.
“Sociopaths always do what is best for themselves without considering others, because they have no conscience. Narcissists always do what is best for them because, in their minds, what is best for them is best for the world.”
THE CHILL FACTOR AND THE PITY PLAY
Sociopathy is all about the thrill of coldly “playing” with people the way a predator plays with its prey. A narcissist unintentionally damages other people’s lives, often severely, but he or she is not a coldly calculating predator who torments people for the fun of it. A narcissist is not ice-cold. A sociopath is.
Sociopaths are far more skilled than narcissists—or anyone else—in the art of the “pity play.” The narcissist may be hypochondriacal (actually believing she or he has nonexistent medical problems), but seldom engages in intentional pity plays. Indeed, narcissists, with their need to feel superior, are strongly opposed to appearing pitiful.
Sociopaths are human beings who look like everyone else—so well camouflaged that their true nature may have gone unrecognized for years or even decades.
Favourite Take-aways
Evil behavior emanates from an emotional hole, and being unaware of this has severely limited our ability to deal with ruthlessness in our day-to-day lives and in our society.
Personality Awareness
We must learn that, despite their trademark lack of emotion, sociopaths are “emotion-eaters.” They have an intense desire to witness their control over us by inciting our confusion, anger, and fear. They feed off the negative emotions of others. Knowing when and how not to display emotion—how to remain calm in the presence of a sociopath rather than feeding him with our immediate feelings—is a vital skill.
“The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.”—ERIC HOFFER
Wickedness is not an invasive spirit or thing, nor is it some shadowy part of the primal human brain. It is the opposite: rather than an entity that we could observe or at least feel, evil is an absence. Instead of something, it is a hollowness where something should have been. True evil is an empty hole, nothing more—and nothing less.
Conscience
The warm feelings that are part of normal human bonding (love of family and friends, caring, affection, gratitude) are the basis of what we call conscience; without them, conscience cannot be. Conscience is ever-present in the lives of people who are emotionally whole.
Sociopath Defined
According to a newer (2013) version of the manual (DSM-5), antisocial personality disorder is “characterized by a pervasive pattern of poor social conformity, deceitfulness, impulsivity, criminality, and lack of remorse” and is diagnosable when three or more of the following seven “pathological personality traits” are present:
Manipulativeness: Frequent use of subterfuge to influence or control others; use of seduction, charm, glibness, or ingratiation to achieve one’s ends.”
Deceitfulness: Dishonesty and fraudulence; misrepresentation of self; embellishment or fabrication when relating events.
Callousness: Lack of concern for feelings or problems of others; lack of guilt or remorse about the negative or harmful effects of one’s actions on others; aggression; sadism.
Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults; mean, nasty, or vengeful behavior.
Irresponsibility: Disregard for—and failure to honor—financial and other obligations or commitments; lack of respect for—and lack of follow-through on—agreements and promises.
Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; dificulty establishing and following plans.
Risk-taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard for consequences; boredom proneness and thoughtless initiation of activities to counter boredom; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.
Isopraxism
Isopraxism, or reflexive mirroring, means duplicating another’s body language, gestures, vocal tone, accent, word and metaphor choice, facial expression, and even breathing rate. It often occurs automatically between close friends, lovers, and people who are flirting. Usually unnoticed by either party, isopraxism tends to deepen a sense of trust and emotional closeness between two people in a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, to beguile and maneuver a victim into a distinctly unhealthy liaison, the sociopath can consciously employ such trust-inducing behaviors—all the while supplying hyperbolic flattery and appearing to be fascinated by the victim’s interests and concerns.
Crocodile tears
When challenged on his or her manipulative and callous behavior—and, in some cases, actual lawbreaking—the sociopath is adept at producing crocodile tears and playing the part of the wounded or vulnerable party.
The Pity Play
A behavior meant to exploit the normal person’s tendency to feel sympathy and compassion—is often the only sign of sociopathy that is visible to the untrained eye. This usually happens after the sociopath has been discovered in some particularly egregious act and repeated claims of innocence have not been effective. Suddenly, the sociopath alleges that he or she is hurt, deeply depressed, dramatically remorseful, or physically ill.
The Game
After the sociopath has been found out, a typical sequence of ploys is threefold:
protestations of innocence – “Why would I do such a thing?”
pity play – “I’ve been feeling suicidal lately, and these accusations are going to push me over the edge!”)”
Rage – finally, if neither denying the truth nor the pity play has succeeded in closing the issue, a stunning and seemingly incongruous display of rage that includes threatening the accuser with harm if she or he persists.
Just like everyone
Their faces are not frightening or evil-looking; nor do sociopaths appear to be insane. They do not hide in dark corners, or speak in menacing voices, or foam at the mouth. Most sociopaths look and sound just like us. They vary widely in degree of education, intelligence, and talent, just as we do. They are to be found in minimum-wage jobs as well as in high-powered professional and political careers, and in all the many stations in between.
They are welfare recipients and welfare policymakers, factory workers and factory owners, students, teachers, artists, doctors, lawyers, CEOs, and any other sort of person one might conceivably encounter in our society. They look like us, appear to have lives just like ours, and the great majority of them will never be chased by the police, tried in court, or thrown into prison.
On average, only about 20 percent of prison inmates in the United States are sociopaths.
Kazdin Method
The best way to eliminate an unwanted behavior is to build a strong alternative behavior in its place, what’s called the positive opposite of the unwanted behavior. The Kazdin Method® provides step-by-step instruction in how to do this under almost any conditions without throwing rewards at your child.
COMPETITIVE BEHAVIOR
One of the surprising giveaways of sociopathic behavior is that often it is not self-promoting in the usual sense. Typically, the sociopath “competes”—violently, verbally, sexually, or in some other way—for the exclusive purposes of diminishing and controlling others, such that sociopathic competition looks less like vying with another person for resources and advancement (normal behavior in many work settings) and more like tormenting and attempting to damage another person just for fun (distinctly abnormal and disruptive behavior in any work setting).
Vulnerability
To initiate a sociopathic pattern, the ruthless may pick the especially vulnerable, because, as we have just seen, this is horrifyingly easy. Sociopaths who have more power and resources themselves often will take aim at more challenging targets—individuals who are extremely accomplished in their careers—apparently because such people inspire envy and also because they supply greater sport.
The American Medical Association estimates that as many as 75 percent of sociopaths are dependent on alcohol, and 50 percent abuse other drugs.
Sociopaths who turn to lethal violence are in the minority. Most conscienceless people are destructive liars and manipulators who play brutal psychological, financial, and political games with our lives, and they comprise the single largest group of domestic abusers—which is to say, people who attempt to enhance their sense of power and control by beating up on spouses, children, and the elderly—but they are not often murderers. However, when they are, the results are severely disturbing.
No face of Evil
We want our monsters to look like monsters. That we should want this makes good sense: if everyone who did hideous things looked like a person who did hideous things, we would know for sure that we were safe when we encountered people who looked like regular folks. But there is no face of evil.
Pamela Smart, who conspired with friends to kill her husband, had been a cheerleader in high school. Notorious serial killer Ted Bundy was so handsome and charismatic that women sent marriage proposals to him on death row. The Parkland, Florida, school shooter, Nikolas Cruz, while in prison, has received romantic, sympathetic notes from girls.
“We tend to conjure entirely the wrong images when we try to keep ourselves safe from those who commit horrors. Assaultive and violent sociopaths, though a small minority, constitute a compelling reason to raise our awareness of the sociopathic pattern.”
The absence of conscience—whether it be called sociopathy or psychopathy—is the psychological disconnection from the common well of human caring. Such detachment leaves only the desire to diminish and dominate one’s fellows, the ultimate expression of which is killing them.
Battered spouse syndrome
Battered spouse syndrome, a psychologically crippling reaction to repeated trauma. The assaulted spouse becomes so shell-shocked that she is terrified of leaving. An especially paralyzing aspect of battered spouse syndrome is that the abused spouse comes to believe she has brought her plight on herself—that she somehow deserves the abuser’s brutal behavior—and that therefore she does not deserve to escape.
Cyber Assault
For the first time in human history, we can torment and victimize someone without direct contact. Cyberassault is not thought of as murder—although it has certainly led to suicides. It is a modern version of consciencelessness that relieves the assaulter of bloody hands. Done from a distance, sometimes anonymously, it gives the sociopath the same glee, the same happiness that he’s ruining someone’s life, as direct assault and victimization.
Computer science and other technologies advance so quickly that often we are not able to keep up with them emotionally, morally, or even legally. Our furiously changing circumstances have conferred myriad blessings of creativity and communication—and, frighteningly, they have accidentally provided new and almost completely unregulated playing fields for the conscienceless.
Certain activities on these playing fields demonstrate that destroying a life can be done without even touching the victim and without any of the traditional weapons: no guns, no knives—just soul-crushing words and images on electronic screens. Among the most heartbreaking illustrations of the sociopath’s coldness of heart are accounts of cyberbullying by adolescents and young adults. In cyberspace, efforts at deceit and predation are limited only by the imagination of the perpetrator.
Ten Key Guidelines
The best way to deal with a sociopath is to avoid him or her, to refuse any kind of contact or communication. The only completely effective way to protect yourself is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live wholly outside of the social contract, and, violent or not, they are always destructive. But, unfortunately, it is not always possible to avoid the sociopath, even after he or she has been identified.
TEN KEY GUIDELINES WHEN YOU MUST FIGHT A SOCIOPATH
GUIDELINE #1: UNDERSTAND THE PERSON YOU ARE DEALING WITH
GUIDELINE #2: UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ON THE SIDE OF GOOD; ENVISION A MISSION.
GUIDELINE #3: CHANGE THE GAME.
GUIDELINE #4: FOCUS CLEARLY ON YOUR OWN GOAL.
GUIDELINE #5: DO NOT GIVE THE SOCIOPATH WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS.
GUIDELINE #6: ENLIST OTHERS.
GUIDELINE #7: UNDERSTAND THAT THIS MISSION IS ONLY ONE PART OF YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW.
GUIDELINE #8: DO NOT CATASTROPHIZE.
GUIDELINE #9: TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH.
GUIDELINE #10: PROTECT YOURSELF FROM VIOLENCE.
The sociopath is winning each time you do any of the following:
Fail to understand his true nature
Play by his rules
Lose sight of your real goals
Let him see your anger, your confusion, or your hurt
Remain isolated and attempt to go it alone
Spend all your time and energy dealing with or thinking about him
Lose your balance and set impossibly huge tasks for yourself
Lose your patience (which is a virture you are developing)
Allow yourself to panic or catastrophize (imagine outcomes far worse than any that are likely)
Allow yourself to remain so stressed that your functioning is affected or you get sick altogether
Lose your guiding sense of the meaning, history, and shared experience of what you are doing (your “mission”)
Looked at the other way around, you are winning each time you do any of the following:
Remind yourself of the objective information you have learned about sociopaths
Reflect on the fact that your conflict with this ruthless individual is part of a much larger and older contest between human connection and hollowness
Change the game on the sociopath (redefine what it means to win)
Focus on your own goal instead of his
Shield your emotions from the sociopath
Strengthen ties with people who do possess conscience and empathy
Divide your mission into doable steps
Pace yourself
Remain rational and pragmatic
Attend to your health by practicing a stress-reduction technique
“In general, the narcissist delights in being singled out; the sociopath wishes to blend in.”
sociopathy vs narcissism
Where the sociopath is devoid of both conscience and empathy, the narcissist lacks “only” empathy. In other words, the sociopath can neither form feelings of connection with others nor directly perceive their emotions, whereas the narcissist cannot perceive the emotions of others but can, in his way, form interpersonal bonds. Because he has the capacity to bond, the narcissist does experience the emotion of conscience. But his ability to act on that conscience is severely flawed by his impenetrable ignorance of other people’s feelings and needs.
Healthy vs Malignant Narcissism
All of us need a certain amount of normal self-regard (“healthy narcissism”) to develop normally and thrive in adult life, but when that feeling grows out of proportion and overwhelms other feelings, we come to suffer from narcissism.
When narcissism grows so large that it hurts relationships and other people, some professionals call it pathological or pernicious or malignant narcissism. When a person is referred to as simply narcissistic, the usual implication is that his relationships and the people in his life are being harmed and that the word pathological would apply.
Narcissistic Injury and Rage
When another person, or the world at large, comes across with criticism or a reality concern, he experiences what psychoanalysts refer to as a “narcissistic injury”—a psychological threat to his fragile but all-important inner world. Typically, the narcissist will respond to such an affront, even a seemingly slight one, with a primal rage—a seemingly inexplicable white-hot fury that initially feels frightening to other people.
“Sociopaths always do what is best for themselves without considering others, because they have no conscience. Narcissists always do what is best for them because, in their minds, what is best for them is best for the world.”
THE CHILL FACTOR AND THE PITY PLAY
Sociopathy is all about the thrill of coldly “playing” with people the way a predator plays with its prey. A narcissist unintentionally damages other people’s lives, often severely, but he or she is not a coldly calculating predator who torments people for the fun of it. A narcissist is not ice-cold. A sociopath is.
Sociopaths are far more skilled than narcissists—or anyone else—in the art of the “pity play.” The narcissist may be hypochondriacal (actually believing she or he has nonexistent medical problems), but seldom engages in intentional pity plays. Indeed, narcissists, with their need to feel superior, are strongly opposed to appearing pitiful.
March 29, 2022
So good, and so enlightening - especially to someone such as myself who is obsessed with true crime and wanting to ‘understand’ the minds of offenders.
Dr Stout also offers a very practical, simplified guide for how best to deal with the sociopaths we may be so unfortunate as to encounter in life - and when you understand their psychology, it all makes perfect sense!
Dr Stout also offers a very practical, simplified guide for how best to deal with the sociopaths we may be so unfortunate as to encounter in life - and when you understand their psychology, it all makes perfect sense!
December 27, 2023
Found this book fascinating and validating. Would recommend to anyone healing from an experience with a sociopath or interested in the subject matter in general.
August 20, 2024
O ile pierwsza książka Marthy Stout była dla mnie odkryciem, tak w tej nie znalazłam niczego nowego
Displaying 1 - 30 of 117 reviews