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Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People with Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want
What are the motivations and desires behind relationship choices and sexual behaviour? Are they very different for those with Asperger Syndrome (AS) than for anyone else? Does having extreme sensitivity to physical touch or an above average need for solitude change one's expectation of relationships or sexual experience?
Many people on the autism spectrum have limited knowledge of how to establish or conduct sexual relationships: drawing on extensive research with people on the autism spectrum, the book openly explores such questions. For the first time people with AS discuss their desires, needs and preferences in their own words. AS attitudes to issues such as gender, sexual identity and infidelity are included, as well as positive advice for developing relationships and exploring options and choices for sexual pleasure.
This accessible book is an invaluable source of information and support for those with Asperger Syndrome and couples in which one or both partners has Asperger Syndrome, as well as counsellors and health and social care professionals.
Many people on the autism spectrum have limited knowledge of how to establish or conduct sexual relationships: drawing on extensive research with people on the autism spectrum, the book openly explores such questions. For the first time people with AS discuss their desires, needs and preferences in their own words. AS attitudes to issues such as gender, sexual identity and infidelity are included, as well as positive advice for developing relationships and exploring options and choices for sexual pleasure.
This accessible book is an invaluable source of information and support for those with Asperger Syndrome and couples in which one or both partners has Asperger Syndrome, as well as counsellors and health and social care professionals.
144 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2008
11 people are currently reading
209 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Hendrickx
12 books118 followersSarah Hendrickx is an autistic author, speaker and freelance writer. She is author of 8 published books on a variety of subjects - autism, cookery and overseas living. Sarah also writes monthly columns on overseas living for Standard Issue magazine and Mediterranean Gardening and Outdoor Living magazines as well as articles for web and print.
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
May 13, 2008
Overall this was a good book that emphasized accepting yourself and it explored a lot of different areas. However, the sample sizes was very small, especially for AS females (I am one). I did not relate well to a lot of segments or perspectives assigned to the AS (mostly male) people. Often I understood the "neurotypical" female perspective better because I'm very emotional and sensitive. I am definitely autistic, diagnosed as such by numerous professionals, but I enjoy relating to people on an emotional level and don't understand sex outside of love (the opposite experience of most AS people in this book). I know there are other AS people who feel similarly to me on this. I did like how they mentioned with some individuals the sensory difficulties are more prominent than the social difficulties. Overall an insightful book, it just left large, important chunks of AS experience out.
June 13, 2021
Outdated but still insightful
At the time of writing this book Sarah Hendrickx was not yet aware of her own autism, which has probably kept her from sharing her own thoughts and experiences on the topic other than the ones about his husband, whose autism was known back then. Also the book was written in 2008 which is pre-DSM-V which removed the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome and collected everything under the "autism spectrum disorder" umbrella. Therefore it's a bit outdated.
Another big issue with the book is that the sample size in the research is extremely small and is even much worse when it comes to autistic women. There are only 4 women included in the research which is ridiculously few.
That being said, the book still offers important insights about love and relationships in autistic people. The quotes from autistic people are sometimes very relatable, sometimes eye-opening and almost always entertaining.
Some key takeaways:
- Many autistic men spend their lives without having any relationship, usually involuntarily but sometimes because it's just "too overwhelming" or "time consuming"
- Autistic men have fewer experiences compared to both NT men and NT/ASD women. The ones who do have many relationships (or just sexual partners) also reported problems with alcohol, which can imply that they use alcohol as a self-medication and can get into relationships more easily, although not always in a healthy way
- Autistic women seem to have as many or more sexual experiences compared to NT women. This is usually a result of being unable to read cues, susceptible to manipulation and not knowing their boundaries, therefore opening them up to predators. Or the motivation is using sex and relationships to look "normal" and accepted
- The most successful relationships are the ones where both partners are either autistic or the non-autistic partner is also neurodivergent in some way (ADHD, dyslexia etc). The mutual understanding, respect and the motivation to learn more efficient ways of communicating seems to be the key here. When it's an autistic/NT pair, usually the NT partner seems to just assume things instead of being explicit, which causes a lot of misunderstandings. If the couple knows and talks about autism as early as possible, it usually results in better communication and therefore a more successful relationship
But probably the best takeaway from the book is the following motto:
"Accept, respect and enjoy"
At the time of writing this book Sarah Hendrickx was not yet aware of her own autism, which has probably kept her from sharing her own thoughts and experiences on the topic other than the ones about his husband, whose autism was known back then. Also the book was written in 2008 which is pre-DSM-V which removed the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome and collected everything under the "autism spectrum disorder" umbrella. Therefore it's a bit outdated.
Another big issue with the book is that the sample size in the research is extremely small and is even much worse when it comes to autistic women. There are only 4 women included in the research which is ridiculously few.
That being said, the book still offers important insights about love and relationships in autistic people. The quotes from autistic people are sometimes very relatable, sometimes eye-opening and almost always entertaining.
Some key takeaways:
- Many autistic men spend their lives without having any relationship, usually involuntarily but sometimes because it's just "too overwhelming" or "time consuming"
- Autistic men have fewer experiences compared to both NT men and NT/ASD women. The ones who do have many relationships (or just sexual partners) also reported problems with alcohol, which can imply that they use alcohol as a self-medication and can get into relationships more easily, although not always in a healthy way
- Autistic women seem to have as many or more sexual experiences compared to NT women. This is usually a result of being unable to read cues, susceptible to manipulation and not knowing their boundaries, therefore opening them up to predators. Or the motivation is using sex and relationships to look "normal" and accepted
- The most successful relationships are the ones where both partners are either autistic or the non-autistic partner is also neurodivergent in some way (ADHD, dyslexia etc). The mutual understanding, respect and the motivation to learn more efficient ways of communicating seems to be the key here. When it's an autistic/NT pair, usually the NT partner seems to just assume things instead of being explicit, which causes a lot of misunderstandings. If the couple knows and talks about autism as early as possible, it usually results in better communication and therefore a more successful relationship
But probably the best takeaway from the book is the following motto:
"Accept, respect and enjoy"
June 27, 2016
An enlightening read!
I strongly recommend this book to anyone who has Asperger syndrome or are on the Autism spectrum and to everyone who needs or is willing to learn about people with these differences. People everywhere need to be more tolerant of the differences in each other and I can guarantee that most everyone has had some contact or communication with people on the spectrum, whether they knew it or not. I am an Adult female with Asperger's diagnosed at age 53. I am educated but innocent in that I never understood why I was never accepted, except by boys, guys, and eventually, men. I saw glimpses of myself in nearly every chapter of this book. I am married to as man that has AS traits. This was unknown to me until after my diagnosis and many hours of research.
While reading Love, Sex, and Long-Term Relationships: I had so many aha moments that I stopped counting. People with Asperger's tend to perceive ourselves as unique and not like any of those around us. Finely understanding that my husband also has AS traits has helped me to understand him so much more. Now I know he isn't like "other" men who often have ulterior motives, who deceive the AS partner for their own advantages. We have been together for 30 years, most of it very good. Now, our next year's will be even better, due to a more honest understanding of our partner. I've just finished this book by myself. Now, I want to read it together with my husband. I'm also going to try and get my three son's, also with AS to read it. I have learned a lot!
I strongly recommend this book to anyone who has Asperger syndrome or are on the Autism spectrum and to everyone who needs or is willing to learn about people with these differences. People everywhere need to be more tolerant of the differences in each other and I can guarantee that most everyone has had some contact or communication with people on the spectrum, whether they knew it or not. I am an Adult female with Asperger's diagnosed at age 53. I am educated but innocent in that I never understood why I was never accepted, except by boys, guys, and eventually, men. I saw glimpses of myself in nearly every chapter of this book. I am married to as man that has AS traits. This was unknown to me until after my diagnosis and many hours of research.
While reading Love, Sex, and Long-Term Relationships: I had so many aha moments that I stopped counting. People with Asperger's tend to perceive ourselves as unique and not like any of those around us. Finely understanding that my husband also has AS traits has helped me to understand him so much more. Now I know he isn't like "other" men who often have ulterior motives, who deceive the AS partner for their own advantages. We have been together for 30 years, most of it very good. Now, our next year's will be even better, due to a more honest understanding of our partner. I've just finished this book by myself. Now, I want to read it together with my husband. I'm also going to try and get my three son's, also with AS to read it. I have learned a lot!
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews