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Love and Trouble: A Midlife Reckoning
From the New York Times best-selling author of Poser: My Life in Twenty-Three Yoga Poses, a ferocious, sexy, hilarious memoir about going off the rails at midlife and trying to reconcile the girl she was with the woman she has become.
Claire Dederer is a happily married mother of two, ages nine and twelve, when she suddenly finds herself totally despondent and, simultaneously, suffering through a kind of erotic reawakening. This exuberant memoir shifts between her present experience as a middle-aged mom in the grip of mysterious new hungers and herself as a teenager–when she last experienced life with such heightened sensitivity and longing. From her hilarious chapter titles (“How to Have Sex with Your Husband of Seventeen Years”) to her subjects–from the boyfriend she dumped at fourteen the moment she learned how to give herself an orgasm, to the girls who ruled her elite private school (“when I left Oberlin I thought I had done with them forever, but it turned out …they also edited all the newspapers and magazines, and wrote all the books”), to raising a teenage daughter herself–Dederer writes with an electrifying blend of wry wit and raw honesty. She exposes herself utterly, and in doing so captures something universal about the experience of being a woman, a daughter, a wife.
Claire Dederer is a happily married mother of two, ages nine and twelve, when she suddenly finds herself totally despondent and, simultaneously, suffering through a kind of erotic reawakening. This exuberant memoir shifts between her present experience as a middle-aged mom in the grip of mysterious new hungers and herself as a teenager–when she last experienced life with such heightened sensitivity and longing. From her hilarious chapter titles (“How to Have Sex with Your Husband of Seventeen Years”) to her subjects–from the boyfriend she dumped at fourteen the moment she learned how to give herself an orgasm, to the girls who ruled her elite private school (“when I left Oberlin I thought I had done with them forever, but it turned out …they also edited all the newspapers and magazines, and wrote all the books”), to raising a teenage daughter herself–Dederer writes with an electrifying blend of wry wit and raw honesty. She exposes herself utterly, and in doing so captures something universal about the experience of being a woman, a daughter, a wife.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published May 9, 2017
232 people are currently reading
4622 people want to read
About the author
Claire Dederer
5 books531 followersClaire’s first book, Poser: My Life in Twenty-Three Yoga Poses, will be published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux in January, 2011. It will be published simultaneously in the UK by Bloomsbury.
Claire is a longtime contributor to The New York Times. Her articles have appeared in Vogue, Real Simple, The Nation, New York, Yoga Journal, on Slate and Salon, and in newspapers across the country. Her writing has encompassed criticism, reporting, and the personal essay.
Dederer’s essays have appeared in the anthologies Money Changes Everything (edited by Elissa Schappell and Jenny Offill) and Heavy Rotation (edited by Peter Terzian).
Before becoming a freelance journalist, Claire was the chief film critic at Seattle Weekly.
With her husband Bruce Barcott, Claire has co-taught writing at the University of Washington. She currently works with private students.
A proud fourth-generation Seattle native, Claire lives on Bainbridge Island in Puget Sound with her family.
Claire is a longtime contributor to The New York Times. Her articles have appeared in Vogue, Real Simple, The Nation, New York, Yoga Journal, on Slate and Salon, and in newspapers across the country. Her writing has encompassed criticism, reporting, and the personal essay.
Dederer’s essays have appeared in the anthologies Money Changes Everything (edited by Elissa Schappell and Jenny Offill) and Heavy Rotation (edited by Peter Terzian).
Before becoming a freelance journalist, Claire was the chief film critic at Seattle Weekly.
With her husband Bruce Barcott, Claire has co-taught writing at the University of Washington. She currently works with private students.
A proud fourth-generation Seattle native, Claire lives on Bainbridge Island in Puget Sound with her family.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 373 reviews
July 7, 2017
Lots could be said - interesting/addictive audiobook....but I kept an arm distance!!
July 17, 2017
Blech. I kept wanting to stop reading, but already owed the library fine so kept reading to the end - you know, to get my money's worth? I guess this holds your interest inasmuch as reading someone's diary for an hour might be interesting, but it meanders, is imprecise, is exasperating, is immature. The excerpts of her childhood diary only serve to highlight that she hasn't changed much. Oh, the privileged navel-gazing! Why did I pick this up? I have to be extra careful in choosing memoirs, now I see. No more trying to finish just for finishing's sake.
May 23, 2017
Her raw, clever writing does only a mediocre job of hiding the messy construction of the book. There are stunning moments that beg to be reread, but those are (unfortunately) lost in the sorting through of everything else.
June 10, 2017
Mixed feelings. On the one hand, Claire Dederer is a very good writer; on the other hand, I found this book to be too long and self indulgent. There was a lot of repetition. Basically, she's a very sexual person, she slept around a lot when she was younger and really enjoyed it and now she's a married, middle aged Mom and feels sad that she no longer gets the amount of male attention that she used to. Being sexually desired and desirable is a big part of her identity, however, as a feminist, she feels conflicted about this (and as a middle aged woman she is scared that she is slowly losing this aspect of herself). I got a bit bored with all of it. Plus, there was a lot of over generalizing. For example, she comments that if you aren't a good cook by the time you are middle aged it's a "serious character defect" and "means something bad, something ungenerous, about your personality." Really? This from a person who admits to having all sorts of inappropriate relationships (which she writes about in detail). Whatever-I found her annoying and narcissistic and couldn't help but think about her children reading this book someday. Then again, if everyone with kids avoided writing about potentially embarrassing or highly personal topics then there would be a definite lack of good memoirs. In spite of my frustration, I finished the book because she writes well and there were some aspects that were spot on (for example, her descriptions of the overly permissive 1970's/early 1980's culture and the lack of supervision that a lot of Gen Xers grew up with, her description of her job working at a movie theater when she was a teenager). I found myself wishing at times that she would have taken some of her real life experiences and fictionalized them.
May 28, 2017
Best book I've read in a while. Couldn't put this baby down. Female sexuality, like all sexuality, is complicated-- thank god we are finally talking about it with this kind of lucidity and candor.
May 15, 2017
A woman going through a ridiculous mid life crisis is fixated on her thirteen year old self.
Quoting from the book, "You received a savage e-mail from a mentor and former editor of yours, who told you the book was so unreadable she had to stop midway through." kept ringing in my mind as I read this book but persevered to the end.
I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
Quoting from the book, "You received a savage e-mail from a mentor and former editor of yours, who told you the book was so unreadable she had to stop midway through." kept ringing in my mind as I read this book but persevered to the end.
I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
June 18, 2017
I didn't find this all that different in tone from Dederer's 2010 memoir Poser, a work that she now disparages as a "lady book". Much of this new memoir I found grating and hard to listen to. I was going to give it two stars but then the final chapter or two redeemed it. She's good with putting sentences together, at finding great phrases to describe things, but in both books I got the feeling she wasn't being entirely truthful, and was convincing herself of things because she found a phrasing or example that sounded good.
And yet, near the end of this memoir Dederer pulls back, pauses, and appears to ask herself - and try to answer truthfully - some questions that aren't obscured by hip phases or wordy rhetoric. She interrogates the frame of the very book she has written, in which she has basically attributed her youthful promiscuity and present-day yearnings for extramarital relationships to a molestation (rape) at age 13 by an adult friend of the family. She asks whether this is really the reason for her complicated character, and whether it really scarred her, and if she just would have had this sexual personality even if that hadn't happened. Now, I actually wouldn't have gone that far as a reader and doubted her on THAT - if a woman says they have been sexually abused then one believes them; but she brought up the question herself. But: while still pondering this conclusion to Love and TroubleI listened to Roxane Gay's new memoir. What a difference. There is absolutely no doubt in the reader's mind (yes I'll speak for all decent people who read Gay's book) that the terrible incident of Roxane's rape at age 12 was the most devastating moment of her life and affects her to this day. With Dederer one begins to wonder - because even she isn't sure.
Since I never entirely feel Dederer is being truthful I could just override her self-questioning and assume: of course it changed her. But actually the book seemed to improve or change tone after she questions that premise of her self-identity. It felt more honest for a few pages. Until she starts over trying to explain her sexuality: What? - you've assumed she's been doing this all along, but maybe she's been lying? So even this ends up ambiguous in a Dederer memoir. For as soon as I rejoiced in the sudden feeling of revelation I immediately began to question why, when describing her desires and her proclivities that she chooses to use the word "victim" (I want to be a victim/ be victimized?). Victim? Isn't she talking about dominance/submission? It confused me and I realized I didn't quite know what she was saying again, or she settled on this word ("victim") and then ran with it, riffing on it, writing very well on the sentence level but leaving me with questions.
And yet, near the end of this memoir Dederer pulls back, pauses, and appears to ask herself - and try to answer truthfully - some questions that aren't obscured by hip phases or wordy rhetoric. She interrogates the frame of the very book she has written, in which she has basically attributed her youthful promiscuity and present-day yearnings for extramarital relationships to a molestation (rape) at age 13 by an adult friend of the family. She asks whether this is really the reason for her complicated character, and whether it really scarred her, and if she just would have had this sexual personality even if that hadn't happened. Now, I actually wouldn't have gone that far as a reader and doubted her on THAT - if a woman says they have been sexually abused then one believes them; but she brought up the question herself. But: while still pondering this conclusion to Love and TroubleI listened to Roxane Gay's new memoir. What a difference. There is absolutely no doubt in the reader's mind (yes I'll speak for all decent people who read Gay's book) that the terrible incident of Roxane's rape at age 12 was the most devastating moment of her life and affects her to this day. With Dederer one begins to wonder - because even she isn't sure.
Since I never entirely feel Dederer is being truthful I could just override her self-questioning and assume: of course it changed her. But actually the book seemed to improve or change tone after she questions that premise of her self-identity. It felt more honest for a few pages. Until she starts over trying to explain her sexuality: What? - you've assumed she's been doing this all along, but maybe she's been lying? So even this ends up ambiguous in a Dederer memoir. For as soon as I rejoiced in the sudden feeling of revelation I immediately began to question why, when describing her desires and her proclivities that she chooses to use the word "victim" (I want to be a victim/ be victimized?). Victim? Isn't she talking about dominance/submission? It confused me and I realized I didn't quite know what she was saying again, or she settled on this word ("victim") and then ran with it, riffing on it, writing very well on the sentence level but leaving me with questions.
October 2, 2017
I really needed this book. It was the exact thing I needed right now. And it's one I'd really like to visit again because it was a salve for my soul.
May 24, 2017
I specialize in child abuse and neglect, and based on that, I would say the author is still suffering quite actively from it effects as an adult. As a child, she seems largely ignored and certainly unprotected. I found it sad that she spun this maltreatment into some kind of wacky, sexualized personality instead of the ill effects of what it was: blatant neglect. Yes, it was the 70s and 80s, but parents still protected their children. As I was reading the book, more than once I had the impulse to write the author and apologize in behalf of her mom and dad.
I'll say it: The level of hypersexualization of the author is not healthy or normal, whether you are young, old, man or woman. Instead of spending these pages rationalizing why it is, I wish the author would be the parent to herself she never had and use the book to thoughtfully explore her experience. No such luck.
I'll say it: The level of hypersexualization of the author is not healthy or normal, whether you are young, old, man or woman. Instead of spending these pages rationalizing why it is, I wish the author would be the parent to herself she never had and use the book to thoughtfully explore her experience. No such luck.
June 6, 2017
I loved this memoir. So fun, sexy, wise, open, and fierce. I think I related to so much of it because Dederer and I were both raised in Washington state and are only two months apart in age. If I were a woman, this may have been MY memoir.
I wrote a longer review with personal thoughts on this book and it will appear in the next issue of Post Road journal.
I wrote a longer review with personal thoughts on this book and it will appear in the next issue of Post Road journal.
May 31, 2017
While Dederer's experiences are unique to her, there is a universality to her expression of those experiences that will ring true to a lot of women:
* Do you want to be safe or be free? Can you be both?
* The transition from being a girl, being blissfully unaware of your body beyond its utility, to the moment you realize that your body is something to be looked upon and it affects the way you move in it, feel about it.
* Simultaneously wanting the male gaze, courting it even, and hating it at the same time.
* Reconciling your feminism, deeply felt, truly believed, with your desire to feel dominated, small, led.
* At midlife, still feeling yourself to be that 16 year old ingenue, your body betraying you once again simply by aging.
* Creating a marriage as you go along, loving your husband desperately, and resenting him a little bit too.
I could go in and on, but suffice it to say I recognized parts of myself in Dederer's story and am thankful to hear it vocalized.
* Do you want to be safe or be free? Can you be both?
* The transition from being a girl, being blissfully unaware of your body beyond its utility, to the moment you realize that your body is something to be looked upon and it affects the way you move in it, feel about it.
* Simultaneously wanting the male gaze, courting it even, and hating it at the same time.
* Reconciling your feminism, deeply felt, truly believed, with your desire to feel dominated, small, led.
* At midlife, still feeling yourself to be that 16 year old ingenue, your body betraying you once again simply by aging.
* Creating a marriage as you go along, loving your husband desperately, and resenting him a little bit too.
I could go in and on, but suffice it to say I recognized parts of myself in Dederer's story and am thankful to hear it vocalized.
September 9, 2017
I checked the audio version of this out from the library. I'm a complete sucker for a good memoir and seen this one floating around but also noticed how mehhh the reviews were. Still, eventually I gave in and gave it a go.
We all knew that girl. Growing up we all knew that girl in school who you saw her name written on a park bench or in the bathroom with her number written under it stating "call for a good time." Sometimes you didn't find out until years later about this girl, but she was there. This memoir is from one of those girls. Now she is a middle age mom and having this middle age erotic reawakening and sharing her story by flip flopping between past and present trying to figure out what the hell is happening and where the issues lie.
This book isn't for everyone. The author is very up front and raw about things she has done. Her language isn't for everyone. I'm someone who cusses(id love to stop, I hate that I do it) and there were times I was even uncomfortable. But I can respect someone who just puts their business out there in hopes that someone will read it and take away something from it. There were maybe 3 passages in this book that moved me..but they were completely overshadowed by everything else this book was.
You do what you want with Your body and if you like what you do, you own up to it. And the author does. But in this day and age that can be very dangerous. She did the things she did before instagram and Snapchat and young women have a lot more to worry about now. I can see this book getting into the wrong hands and being completely misinterpreted as I can go do whoever I want because it's my body and I have no feelings about it and that's my business! But then be crushed when it leaks all over the internet and school--then not realizing the author is an over 40 mother of 2 now and when she did what she did the world was a little different.
At some point the book just became boring. There were pages at the end where I was like THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR..but then it was almost like a relapse and I'd be thinking WHY DID WE JUST BACKTRACK!?
If you read for yourself don't say I sent you.
We all knew that girl. Growing up we all knew that girl in school who you saw her name written on a park bench or in the bathroom with her number written under it stating "call for a good time." Sometimes you didn't find out until years later about this girl, but she was there. This memoir is from one of those girls. Now she is a middle age mom and having this middle age erotic reawakening and sharing her story by flip flopping between past and present trying to figure out what the hell is happening and where the issues lie.
This book isn't for everyone. The author is very up front and raw about things she has done. Her language isn't for everyone. I'm someone who cusses(id love to stop, I hate that I do it) and there were times I was even uncomfortable. But I can respect someone who just puts their business out there in hopes that someone will read it and take away something from it. There were maybe 3 passages in this book that moved me..but they were completely overshadowed by everything else this book was.
You do what you want with Your body and if you like what you do, you own up to it. And the author does. But in this day and age that can be very dangerous. She did the things she did before instagram and Snapchat and young women have a lot more to worry about now. I can see this book getting into the wrong hands and being completely misinterpreted as I can go do whoever I want because it's my body and I have no feelings about it and that's my business! But then be crushed when it leaks all over the internet and school--then not realizing the author is an over 40 mother of 2 now and when she did what she did the world was a little different.
At some point the book just became boring. There were pages at the end where I was like THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR..but then it was almost like a relapse and I'd be thinking WHY DID WE JUST BACKTRACK!?
If you read for yourself don't say I sent you.
May 8, 2017
Free copy for honest review.
"A ferocious, sexy, hilarious memoir about going off the rails at midlife and trying to reconcile the girl she was with the woman she has become." - Nothing could be farther from the truth. I found this book to be boring and I didn't find it the least bit funny. As far as I was concerned it was all about a middle aged women bitching and moaning about her life. I won't be recommending it to friends.
"A ferocious, sexy, hilarious memoir about going off the rails at midlife and trying to reconcile the girl she was with the woman she has become." - Nothing could be farther from the truth. I found this book to be boring and I didn't find it the least bit funny. As far as I was concerned it was all about a middle aged women bitching and moaning about her life. I won't be recommending it to friends.
October 31, 2018
I bought this book because it was recommended by Elizabeth Gilbert on FB. The synopsis captured my interest immediately because I'm the same age, am going through menopause, am a long-time wife and an aspiring memoirist. I should have known that if Elizabeth Gilbert was recommending it, I would also need a dictionary to read along. I get that this author is an essayist, book critic, Oberlin educated reporter and has been reading since she was born, but my god, bring it down a few notches for those of us who at that age were just trying to survive childhood, not thrive in it.
At the start of the book I was nodding my head in agreement, "Yes, yes, I can relate!" But, somewhere past Chapter 6, I found myself thinking "WTF?" - To say that this memoir is lost on me is an understatement. This woman is not having the type of "midlife awakening" I'm having. Not in the least. Her fascination with rape and Roman Polanski's life and Roman Polanski raping her daughter is creepy and quite frankly, by the end of the book I was sick of hearing it, but just as I thought she was done with that, she then says how her friend Vic "always laughs about her jokes about rape." WTF? Are you kidding me? She's obsessed with rape! The fact this woman has two kids that will someday read this further creeps me out and actually makes me feel embarrassed for her. I think she should had listened to her editor and left some (most) of these vignettes out. I tried to imagine my husband reading this if it was mine and honestly think her husband must not read her books? Mine would be like, "I'm making you a counseling appt. and we're getting marriage counseling."
I usually can't stick with writers like this, who insist on using words that no one ever uses in real conversation but only when writing a book trying to impress you with all they know. BUT, it was out of morbid curiosity I read the whole book in one sitting. It's good in parts. Claire Dederer's ability to describe mundane things and places is exquisite but lost in the droning on about chapters that mean nothing to anyone but those who went to her school, and half chapters dedicated to describing characters in books/movies... In short, it's thee weirdest thing I have ever read. Some of it fits and some of it veers off into left field, at least it did for me.
The synopsis is not even close to describing what you will read here. These are repressed memories that I think the author would deal best with in counseling and is more like a midlife breakdown. The only reckoning this gal is doing is trying to figure out why she's a bi-sexual sex addict. And she will have you believe it all comes down to one guy named Jack Wolf who climbed into a sleeping bag with her and his hard penis rubbed her leg! How stupid does she think we are? Very, is the answer. I for one, may not have her education, vocabulary or have read the books she's read, but I do read a lot of memoir and I know when someone is pulling my leg to sell a book.
This woman has trauma that can only come from being raped, probably several times throughout her life and for all the descriptive prose she provides about the rape of Samantha Gailey, she conveniently leaves all that out when describing her own sexual encounters of youth. I found myself wondering, is she really describing her own rape?
The crying in the beginning of the book, the inability to concentrate, fatigue, feeling invisible, having no purpose, feeling washed up, etc. IS menopause. Longing to be dominated and basically raped every minute of the day is not menopause it's abuse that still affects her, but she is just now taking time out from motherhood to deal with it. Thus, this book....
At the start of the book I was nodding my head in agreement, "Yes, yes, I can relate!" But, somewhere past Chapter 6, I found myself thinking "WTF?" - To say that this memoir is lost on me is an understatement. This woman is not having the type of "midlife awakening" I'm having. Not in the least. Her fascination with rape and Roman Polanski's life and Roman Polanski raping her daughter is creepy and quite frankly, by the end of the book I was sick of hearing it, but just as I thought she was done with that, she then says how her friend Vic "always laughs about her jokes about rape." WTF? Are you kidding me? She's obsessed with rape! The fact this woman has two kids that will someday read this further creeps me out and actually makes me feel embarrassed for her. I think she should had listened to her editor and left some (most) of these vignettes out. I tried to imagine my husband reading this if it was mine and honestly think her husband must not read her books? Mine would be like, "I'm making you a counseling appt. and we're getting marriage counseling."
I usually can't stick with writers like this, who insist on using words that no one ever uses in real conversation but only when writing a book trying to impress you with all they know. BUT, it was out of morbid curiosity I read the whole book in one sitting. It's good in parts. Claire Dederer's ability to describe mundane things and places is exquisite but lost in the droning on about chapters that mean nothing to anyone but those who went to her school, and half chapters dedicated to describing characters in books/movies... In short, it's thee weirdest thing I have ever read. Some of it fits and some of it veers off into left field, at least it did for me.
The synopsis is not even close to describing what you will read here. These are repressed memories that I think the author would deal best with in counseling and is more like a midlife breakdown. The only reckoning this gal is doing is trying to figure out why she's a bi-sexual sex addict. And she will have you believe it all comes down to one guy named Jack Wolf who climbed into a sleeping bag with her and his hard penis rubbed her leg! How stupid does she think we are? Very, is the answer. I for one, may not have her education, vocabulary or have read the books she's read, but I do read a lot of memoir and I know when someone is pulling my leg to sell a book.
This woman has trauma that can only come from being raped, probably several times throughout her life and for all the descriptive prose she provides about the rape of Samantha Gailey, she conveniently leaves all that out when describing her own sexual encounters of youth. I found myself wondering, is she really describing her own rape?
The crying in the beginning of the book, the inability to concentrate, fatigue, feeling invisible, having no purpose, feeling washed up, etc. IS menopause. Longing to be dominated and basically raped every minute of the day is not menopause it's abuse that still affects her, but she is just now taking time out from motherhood to deal with it. Thus, this book....
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 27, 2017
This book is a perfect example of why I try to avoid memoirs by contemporary white middle-class heterosexual women like the plague. Dederer thinks she's being so edgy by writing candidly about her sexual history past and present but it's actually quite boring and ridiculously self-involved. Only a completely un-self-aware person could write sentences like "My mom got chocolate-frosting stains on the upholstery of my Prius and I was elaborately patient about it" and expect readers to feel some sympathy for her. The only semi-interesting part was the chapter with the map of her former hangouts on the Ave in the 1980s, which provided a fascinating glimpse into the subculture of that neighborhood. As someone who moved here after most of those places had vanished, it was interesting to see what remained and what did not. If you've lived in Seattle for a while, that part might be worth reading. Otherwise don't waste your time.
May 31, 2017
Like the author, I am a Gen X mother who works from home in a fairly rural location while my spouse travels for work. I was intrigued by the author's perspective.
While I found some great insight in the author's perspective of what it means to be an aging mother in the US, I also felt like the book lacked introspection. It was more a series of observations, stories, and musings rather than a cohesive work that led to any sort of concrete realization or epiphany. Although, perhaps that is, in itself, the take-home message.
While I found some great insight in the author's perspective of what it means to be an aging mother in the US, I also felt like the book lacked introspection. It was more a series of observations, stories, and musings rather than a cohesive work that led to any sort of concrete realization or epiphany. Although, perhaps that is, in itself, the take-home message.
April 24, 2021
It was deeply comforting to read this memoir from someone who was young at the same time as me, with the all the same cultural touchstones of what it meant to be cool when we were young women, with the cultural backdrop of teen star tomboys and the specter of Roman Polanski, and finding emotional resonance in music and art-house films, down to the erotic signals in A Room with a View. Who is eligible for happiness in the American universe of that time and this one? I can identify with wanting to live on the cool and wholesome island while disdaining its homogeneity and sense of finitude.
"We saw other women our age doing the same thing: walking, intent, ceaselessly talking, trying to solve their seemingly perfect okay lives."
"In the days before social media, quirky handwriting was one of the only ways you could demonstrate to the world how interesting you were."
"We saw other women our age doing the same thing: walking, intent, ceaselessly talking, trying to solve their seemingly perfect okay lives."
"In the days before social media, quirky handwriting was one of the only ways you could demonstrate to the world how interesting you were."
February 27, 2024
4.5* ugh she did it again. i'm gonna have to read her yoga memoir after all. the structure of this book is crazy, she circles back to things touched on much earlier, and then with the added context the same set of facts looks completely different.
July 10, 2017
I was very disappointed. I love Claire Dederer's writing, and this book has its moments. But I felt sad that she defines her life in relationship to men and not by her talent and accomplishments. In fact, it seems that she has subordinated her career to trying preserve a view of herself as a sexy, young woman. There is such power in middle age and she's missing it - and depriving us of what she would have had to offer if she could only stop looking in the mirror. You know, everybody is kinda slutty in their teens and twenties. It's just that most of us had more adult supervision. Hmm - now that's the interesting part of the story that she completely ignores. There's a novel in there - I hope she decides to write it someday.
August 12, 2017
Author was brave to write such a candid memoir but a little too self-indulgent and at times whiny for me.
August 31, 2021
A sort of languid droop-through of one woman’s sullenness snd sexuality in midlife. Really enjoyed this thoughtful, unselfconscious memoir.
July 2, 2019
I enjoyed the frank discussion of her past and her struggle with mid-life crisis. I also liked her struggle with what she felt was the cause of her youthful promiscuity. But the part I found most compelling was chapter 21 On Victimhood, where she provides a short albeit brutally honest analysis of her desires, her discomfort at being a woman, and her deep need for sex:
I have by comparison had a rather tame and by modern standards a rather boring sexual life. Prior to marriage I had rare, unsatisfying, and mostly drunken sexual encounters, which I would now prefer never happened...even rare as they were. With my wife I found a deeply satisfying sexual relationship that is tightly intertwined with our love for each other like the snakes on a caduceus. We have been together for 43 years and married for almost 41 so boring or not I think we did something right. Yet I take none of this for granted. Sex is something that I contemplate a great deal about and I have often thought about this notion of the dominant male and submissive female, and as such, it is what I found so compelling in the above quote. Always fearing a lack of sexual equality, I prefer to think of this in softer terms than dominant and submissive, although good words seem to evade me. Yin and yang I think is closer to the truth. Perhaps penetrative and receptive. But my observation especially in our younger and more spry days, is that love making may have started out with me dominating her but it ended with the roles reversed where I was hanging on for dear life, having my back pounded and scratched, and often trying to keep from descending into helpless giggles over the pure fury of it. While my orgasms have always been paltry affairs, my wife's are these Wagnerian throes of gotterdammerung where the skies roar with thunder and lightening and the Earth rends and threatens to swallow us live. It is a magnificent gift from a Divine Feminine Goddess to mortal man. Boring? I don't think so.
The other aspect that I have observed, especially in long sessions of afternoon delight is that there comes a point where the borders of male and female, dominant and submissive, and even lust falls away and we become innocent genderless children involved in a very serious form of play.
So I enjoyed Dederer's thoughts and her ability to put them into meaningful words. It made me think of my own life and what sex has meant to my wife and I. All that said though, I am a bit disappointed with the book. Sex seems to be something that is removed from love for Dederer. I am sure she loves her husband and she acknowledges they have sex. But they seem to be two separate functions, or maybe I missed something. But for my wife and I, we make love, we don't fuck. It is just a matter of semantics? The sentimentality of old age? Perhaps, but while I can objectively call it sex, coitus, copulation, fucking...emotionally when I think of her and not so much of the act, no, it is love making. Sweet and perhaps a bit violent--but wonderfully so.
I also enjoyed Dederer's prelude to this book, an article she wrote in The Atlantic:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...
EDIT: July 2, 2019. Here is an interesting review of Love and Trouble by Laura Kipnis that appeared in The Atlantic:
Kipnis, Laura. Screw Wisdom, The Atlantic, June 2017:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...
But there’s a deeper truth as well: I’m still freaked out (still!) simply by being a woman. I dress butch; I can barely stand to put on a skirt. It makes me feel like I’m in drag. The trappings of womanhood embarrass me utterly. At the same time I’m riven by my outsize sex drive. I hate being a woman, and yet I yearn to be fucked as a woman. I yearn to be dominated by a figure of incontestable authority, who will make me become what I never wanted to be: a woman. I don’t know how make myself a woman; you do it for me.
Dederer, Claire. Love and Trouble: A Midlife Reckoning (p. 222). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
I have by comparison had a rather tame and by modern standards a rather boring sexual life. Prior to marriage I had rare, unsatisfying, and mostly drunken sexual encounters, which I would now prefer never happened...even rare as they were. With my wife I found a deeply satisfying sexual relationship that is tightly intertwined with our love for each other like the snakes on a caduceus. We have been together for 43 years and married for almost 41 so boring or not I think we did something right. Yet I take none of this for granted. Sex is something that I contemplate a great deal about and I have often thought about this notion of the dominant male and submissive female, and as such, it is what I found so compelling in the above quote. Always fearing a lack of sexual equality, I prefer to think of this in softer terms than dominant and submissive, although good words seem to evade me. Yin and yang I think is closer to the truth. Perhaps penetrative and receptive. But my observation especially in our younger and more spry days, is that love making may have started out with me dominating her but it ended with the roles reversed where I was hanging on for dear life, having my back pounded and scratched, and often trying to keep from descending into helpless giggles over the pure fury of it. While my orgasms have always been paltry affairs, my wife's are these Wagnerian throes of gotterdammerung where the skies roar with thunder and lightening and the Earth rends and threatens to swallow us live. It is a magnificent gift from a Divine Feminine Goddess to mortal man. Boring? I don't think so.
The other aspect that I have observed, especially in long sessions of afternoon delight is that there comes a point where the borders of male and female, dominant and submissive, and even lust falls away and we become innocent genderless children involved in a very serious form of play.
So I enjoyed Dederer's thoughts and her ability to put them into meaningful words. It made me think of my own life and what sex has meant to my wife and I. All that said though, I am a bit disappointed with the book. Sex seems to be something that is removed from love for Dederer. I am sure she loves her husband and she acknowledges they have sex. But they seem to be two separate functions, or maybe I missed something. But for my wife and I, we make love, we don't fuck. It is just a matter of semantics? The sentimentality of old age? Perhaps, but while I can objectively call it sex, coitus, copulation, fucking...emotionally when I think of her and not so much of the act, no, it is love making. Sweet and perhaps a bit violent--but wonderfully so.
I also enjoyed Dederer's prelude to this book, an article she wrote in The Atlantic:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...
EDIT: July 2, 2019. Here is an interesting review of Love and Trouble by Laura Kipnis that appeared in The Atlantic:
Kipnis, Laura. Screw Wisdom, The Atlantic, June 2017:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/...
December 25, 2017
This is an unbearably depressing memoir and a frustrating book. As a girl, young woman, adult, and mom, the writer defines herself in relation to men. She realizes she's doing this, and she calls herself a feminist, but there is so little reflection that connects her self absorption with how she defines herself by and in relation to men that it (the focus on self, the repetition, even the sex) ends up grating. One wishes that she could break free. One wishes she could love sex without such a clear need for sex, even masturbation, to affirm her identity. This text has so much repetition that does not serve the story (stories) well and so much narcissism that I became really sad. Perhaps more reflection about what it means to have such privilege and yet to be so despondent would have strengthened the book. The writing is good, and there are many wonderful turns of phrase. As someone who grew up in Seattle in the Seventies and Eighties, I loved the sections focused on that rainy city. But I do not understand how such a messy book can be produced by such a good writer. It's sloppy. Were a series of published essays strung together to make this book? I'd skip this one.
November 25, 2017
Currently in the mood for searing self-reflection. This, like Lightsey Darst's "The Thousands" (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3...) made me feel a sense of danger while reading it. What will happen when an author examines every last dark corner of female desire, both in life and in writing? If one strays off the well-lit path, is one automatically Little Red Riding Hood or Madame Bovary? Or, like the most ancient strayer and pomegranate-seed-eater, can you be crowned Queen of the Dead AND be the reason spring comes every year?
Obvs gave me a lot to gnaw on, and appreciated the sharp writing in the book and intellectual foundation on which the self-reflection and emotional exploration is built.
Obvs gave me a lot to gnaw on, and appreciated the sharp writing in the book and intellectual foundation on which the self-reflection and emotional exploration is built.
May 26, 2017
A life...
I wonder how many parallels people can draw to Claire's eclectic,non-linear, chronically maligned memoir. I think hers is a story for most of us, men and women alike, born in the mid sixties to the mid seventies, that might help explain, or share (hello AA,my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic) at the very least, her visceral experiences. It is a story to laugh at, to nod at and to smh. Her language and writing is wonderful, and her parentheticals are a delight as they are often what I was thinking at her writing. Well done Ms. Dederer, i will never again scoff at a woman's memoir:)
I wonder how many parallels people can draw to Claire's eclectic,non-linear, chronically maligned memoir. I think hers is a story for most of us, men and women alike, born in the mid sixties to the mid seventies, that might help explain, or share (hello AA,my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic) at the very least, her visceral experiences. It is a story to laugh at, to nod at and to smh. Her language and writing is wonderful, and her parentheticals are a delight as they are often what I was thinking at her writing. Well done Ms. Dederer, i will never again scoff at a woman's memoir:)
August 19, 2017
I love the premise of this book, and the writing really draws you in. But I couldn't understand why she avoided her queerness throughout. Maybe it's a generational difference - she is truly Gen X, while I am a Millennial cusper, obsessed with identity like the rest. I loved how brave and honest this book was. It was also unconsciously white, which was annoying. Maybe it's hard to read a memoir of this kind as a therapist- there was so much underneath her words that wanted pulling out. But ultimately this book was a fascinating read, so I want to talk about it more, especially with my friends who are finding themselves in middle age, figuring out a new stage of sexuality.
June 4, 2017
Five stars for using the word "ensorcelled."
June 9, 2024
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, but am not sure that I would ever return to it. Facing middle age, Dederer is in the grips of a deep malaise and begins to contemplate her promiscuous teenage and 20s, an era she rejected wholly when she became wife and mother. She thinks of her life as a result of the sexual revolution and its influence on young girls, often using Roman Polanski’s rape case as a focal point, often being very aware that her own daughter is turning 13. It’s a complicated journey of memoir and I don’t think there’s much of a conclusion beyond Dederer’s enjoyment of sex and the attention and closeness it creates — all while being fully aware of the havoc sex can sometimes wreak in the world. I thoroughly enjoy Dederer’s voice and her way of looking at society, and I always think her observations are remarkably truthful. But the book itself is painful as we witness her own personal flailings. I am glad I read it … and I can definitely see the seeds of On Monsters here, too.
August 20, 2023
“Seattle is not a big city for crying. Seattle, in fact, is famously emotionally stoppered. There are many theories as to why this is the case; some say it’s because of our dominant genetic and cultural heritages: Norwegian and Japanese. Whatever the reason, Seattle is a place where you are not supposed to emote. You are supposed to endure. In Seattle, where rain and traffic are two snakes twining, choking the body of the city, forbearance is an art.”
March 30, 2025
a very brave book
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