Shame: Forced into marriage, rejected by those she loved

by Jasvinder Sanghera

When she was fourteen, Jasvinder Sanghera was shown a photo of the man chosen to be her husband. She was terrified. She'd witnessed the torment her sisters endured in their arranged marriages, so she ran away from home, grief-stricken when her parents disowned her. Shame" is the heart-rending true story of a young girl's attempt to escape from a cruel, claustrophobic world where family honour mattered more than anything -- sometimes more than life itself. Jasvinder's story is one of terrible oppression, a harrowing struggle against a punitive code of honour -- and, finally, triumph over adversity.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, Memoir, Autobiography, Family, Biography Memoir, True Crime

302 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Jasvinder Sanghera is an activist and advocate for women's rights who was born in Derby. She is the co-founder of Karma Nirvana, a community-based project where there are a group of refuge centers in the United Kingdom for South Asian women fleeing forced marriages. A victim of a forced marriage herself, she tells her story and those of other British victims in her novel "Shame", published by Hodder and Stoughton.

Reviews

[Jx PinkLady Reviews ♡ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story is on that will stay with me.

I'm not rating this book on its literary merits but on the very important real life story presented by this inspirational author and founder of a charity who has helped women and girls when they had NO ONE else to turn to, including their own families. Jasvinder tells the inspiring, heart-breaking and cruel details of her life and the lives of a plethora of other Asian women living in Britain who have suffered from honour violence and forced marriage. By showing readers the realities faced by some female members of the human race it evokes deep thought provoking feelings and opens ones eyes making it an important book of our time reminding us that cultural acceptance does not mean accepting things which are utterly unacceptable.

I often see reading as a way of gaining a degree of understanding and knowledge about different perspectives of life, different cultures, personalities and circumstances and never has this been more pertinent than in the pages of this autobiographical novel.


Important Information-->
Jasvinder Sanghera is the founder of British Human Rights charity, Karma Nirvana who support all victims of Honour Abuse and Forced Marriage.
www.facebook.com/karmanirvanauk

http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk


This was chosen as April's read for my local book club *

[Jeannie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is absolutely one of the best books I have read in a very long time. I didn't know this happened in England of all places so I was very shocked to find it out. It is almost beyond my comprehension that mothers and fathers, whole families and towns would treat women in this manner. What a horrible horrible shame it is! I have read a lot on this subject but never knew it went on outside of those countries. What in the world will it take for them to realize how wrong it is to treat someone you supposedly love in this manner? I am so disgusted.
Jasvinder has so much courage that it amazes me. It makes me want to help her with her Karma Nirvana project, what a wonderful resource she is providing. I highly recommend this book!

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book years ago, but still remember it, it made me cry God Bless Jasvinder Sanghera and wouman like her

[Amina Hujdur · Rating 4 out of 5]

Autobiografska ispovijest o sudbini indijskih žena nakon doseljavanja u Veliku Britaniju.

[Marília Domingos · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Não te atrevas a desgraçar esta família. Se quiseres chora ao fundo do jardim, mas não tragas os teus problemas para aqui." É isto que a mãe de uma jovem indiana lhe diz quando esta confessa que é violada pelo irmão e pelo tio, depois de lhe dar um estalo na cara.

Este livro fala da vida de muitas mulheres asiáticas, onde os casamentos forçados e a violência conjugal são o pão nosso de cada dia. As jovens são forçadas a casar-se com homens que nunca viram, homens estes que mais tarde se revelam violentos, egoístas, abusadores e cruéis. Desde violações constantes, a agressões, a violência psicológica, a vida destas mulheres torna-se num autêntico inferno e, ao queixarem-se junto da família, são repreendias por estarem a trazer desonra e vergonha para dentro da mesma. O que as pessoas irão dizer? Os homens são assim mesmo, a mulher só tem de aguentar e estar caladinha! Mulheres que são expulsas de casa pelos pais ou pelos maridos, mulheres que são assassinadas ou se suicidam, tudo isto é muito comum. Jasvider é apenas mais uma de entre as milhares e milhares de mulheres asiáticas, com a diferença que conseguiu fugir a um casamento forçado. Com a sua fuga, perdeu a família, ganhou muitos inimigos e teve de lutar a cada dia para cnseguir sobreviver. A história desta mulher, hoje uma activista licenciada que luta contra a violência sobre as mulheres e os casamentos forçados, é inspiradora e muito forte, levando-nos a pensar em quão violento este mundo pode ser para certos grupos de pessoas. Numa cultura onde as mulheres não têm de estudar e quando o fazem são mal vistas, onde devem casar e submeter-se às vontades da família, onde têm de ser submissas e suportar gravidezes sucessivas, maus-tratos, infidelidade e ciúmes extremos, Jasvinder é uma verdadeira heroína. O livro, que conta a sua história, consegue captar a nossa atenção logo nas primeiras páginas, consegue fazer-nos sentir felicidade, frustação e até raiva por tudo aquilo que lhe aconteceu e é, sem dúvida, um testemunho muito bem contado e construído sobre a vida de uma jovem que passou por muito para chegar onde chegou.

[Catharine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thought provoking read about how the author escaped from her family who were going to force her into marriage. After hearing her speak about her life and experiences, I just felt I had to read it. She set up a charity Karma Nirvana to help Asian women to escape from their families and honour crimes. With her help forced marriage is now a criminal offence in this country. A must read book for all women and those in authority.

[Krutika · Rating 5 out of 5]

• r e v i e w •
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I accidentally stumbled across Jasvinder's TED talk last year and was immensely inspired by her courage to chase freedom at a young age of 15. It's shocking to learn that casteism can thrive gloriously even in countries like the United Kingdom. Jasvinder, who was shunned by her community for choosing to live life on her own terms and who survived on a hand to mouth basis for years was appointed as CBE in 2013 for helping other girls/women who were pushed into forced marriages. While Jasvinder escaped forced marriage, most girls weren't so lucky and few of them even succumbed to suicide. Shame is often used while talking about a woman's honour. But what is honour really when all it does is kills dreams and takes lives?
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Jasvinder grew up in Derby in a traditional Sikh family with several of her siblings. But it was her brother who always scored special treatment from her parents. Living in a guarded community, Jas wasn't even allowed to cut her hair or put on makeup for it was considered too frivolous. Girls were liabilities, someone who were arranged to be married off at just 15. After witnessing abusive marriages around her including that of her sisters', Jas decides to run away when she's presented with a man much older than her who was to be her husband. Her parents'expected rejection of her Punjabi boyfriend because he belonged to a lower status was the final push that freed Jas. The two struggle to survive outside the community and for many years, she is cut off from the family.
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Jas tries to rekindle her relationship with her family after her daughter's birth but things were never the same again. Her failed relationships, marriages and bad decisions were what made her the strong woman that she is now. When her sister Robina commits suicide, she promises to help women who are pushed in to forced marriages. Her organization Karma Nirvana has been assisting thousands of women ever since. Jas's story is not one of victimization but is of survival. I could never understand her mother's cold behaviour, about the fact that parents can be so ruthless in the name of religion and honour.
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Many young girls are still being sent to India on the pretense of visiting families but end up returning as married women when they're just teenagers. They are sent back to their husbands' homes in spite of being beaten to death. Honour is a burden to be carried and is often thrusted upon girls to carry it till they die. In a recent book that I read by Kavita Krishnan, she urges women to be shameless in asking what they want and then to go and get it done. Shame isn't a woman's burden to be carried neither is honour. Jasvinder's life is nothing short of a miracle but her conscious decision to choose freedom even though it came at a cost was something that made me feel proud. I definitely recommend this autobiography.
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Rating : 4.5/5.

[Samantha Frazzini · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars - I mean… wow. It took me a few days to get to this review because I had to still process the contents of what I read. this book is so sad, enraging, and every emotion in between.

Living in a western society it’s easy to be blind to what happens in other cultures and my god did I leave this book with sorrow in my heart for women in cultures who still to do this day have forced marriages.

From domestic violence being passed down from generation to generation, shame in birthing little girls, suicide due to being unheard in a brutal marriage and honor killings this book touches so many heavy subjects and I think everyone should read this.

[tooba ahmed · Rating 5 out of 5]

recently reread this book after i read it as a 10/11 year old - just as chilling, and it shaped my worldview completely having read it so young. a beautiful and haunting memoir about a girl who escapes a forced marriage & the fear that looms.... there are moments of joy in this book but they are fleeting..... im so glad i read this as a child (thank u mum and dad for apparently never policing what i read)

[♥ Marlene♥ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots to say about this book but not finding words to formulate.

First of all it pissed me off, the way her parents thought they were better than The English people, they considered white, low class (there words , not mine) but the whites were good enough to let them live there and care for them and this is what is wrong with Europe nowadays.
Then they stick with there own, do not mix with white people, don't learn English and let there daughters marry people from their former country so the husbands also get a visa to live in Europe.

Especially this made me angry: she was writing about her poor mom, who paid all the taxes and was let down by the English at the end of her life looking after her? She is talking about the nurses. I think it was her mom's responsibility to learn English when she arrived in this country and not the other way around.

Then about the author. Sorry but I am not a fan of her actions. She seems very selfish and very quick to cheat but on the other hand, it is brave of her that she admitted to all of this.

At the end of the book I was glad to finally been able to agree with her. For instance her fight against forced marriage and more importantly her fight against so called Honour killings. Great work.

Oh and what scares her and me is that the younger generation of the former immigrants are even more strict in there ways.

[Sorairo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rilettura che conferma il valore dell'opera circa i suoi contenuti ovvero la realtà che la protagonista di origine indiana, allora sedicenne, è costretta ad affrontare in Inghilterra. Sposare uno sconosciuto come le sue sorelle o fuggire e divenire una reietta.Ovviamente scelse la seconda passando l'inferno, cadendo e rialzabndosi mille volte. Secondo me dovrebbe insegnare ad aprirsi alle altre culture e contemporaneamente a lottare contro quanto uccide una persona dentro e fuori.

[Joy Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really good insight into the lives of the Asian community in the UK, a difficult read at times, but well worth the effort.

[Aurélien Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jasvinder Sanghera is the founder of the UK charity Karma Nirvana, those goal is to help women (mainly) from ethnic minorities and victims of forced marriages. Working with the police and social services, raising awareness in schools, giving interviews and lectures... She has a vast knowledge of the issue, but not only; she, above all, also experienced it first-hand herself, as she is recounting here in her autobiography.

A 'shame' is indeed what she claimed having become, growing up in a Indo-Pakistani community of Derby, rejected by her family when she was barely 16. Why? Simply because, and unlike her sisters, instead of accepting an arranged marriage by her parents according to strict Sikhs traditions she preferred to run away with her then boyfriend (an 'untouchable'), despite attempts to keep her sequestrated.

She retells her ordeal, from the lack of consideration women in such communities suffer to her escape, and from the difficulties of building herself up a life, terrified, and abandoned at such a young age by a family she nevertheless attempted to keep contact with (the bond will be rekindled only years later). Yet, 'Shame' is everything but a damning pointed finger -she even dedicates it to her parents who, she acknowledges, only wanted what was best for her, oblivious to how the clash of values resulting from living in the West had affected their daughter. It's a very sensible approach because, it allows her to reveal how complex such issues are, pointing especially to the ostracism BAME immigrants are too often subjected to (her mother didn't even speak English), leading many to sink into communitarianism, itself feeding a racism anti-White as much as a strong clinging to radical traditions.

It's, of course, a tough read, challenging, with very emotional passages (e.g. the horrific suicide of her sister following years of domestic abuse -a reminder that, women from India and the Middle-East are three times more likely to commit suicide than their White counterparts...) but absolutely necessary to fully understand the impact of forced marriages. She escaped such a fate, but how many didn't and still don't?

In 2009 in the UK alone, a society slowly waking up (if at all) to the nightmare that cultural relativism had plunged it into, there was 17,000 cases of forced marriages recorded by the police, and 400 operations led by the FMU (Forced Marriage Unit, a unit specifically created to tackle the issue), one of which had involved the youngest victim on record, a 9 years old little girl. This book, then, is far more than the autobiography of an activist; it is, also and above all, the story of whole communities of women too often ignored otherwise.

[Sarina S · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really eye opening, honest and harrowing read. I had seen her TED talk which prompted me to read this book. Jasvinder speaks with such candour about her life in a refreshingly open and considered way. This is especially courageous considering her oppressive upbringing where it is considered shameful and disloyal to tell other people, including medical professionals, the police and other agencies, about personal and family issues.

She brings awareness to domestic violence, honour killings and forced marriages, “cultural” crimes which are often under reported and kept secret behind closed doors.

Her actions have been branded time and time again as shameful by her family, who offered her conditional rather than unconditional love, however this book highlights that the only people who deserve this shame are the perpetrators of these horrendous crimes.

A remarkable book by a remarkable woman. 5 stars.

[Varsha Darshini · Rating 5 out of 5]

When a girl at fourteen is forced to marry against her wish to study. She runs away with her boyfriend from her home to the disappoitment of her family who live in Derby but are Indians. Struggled to set up a new life, Jassey started earning few by all means and when everything goes fine she divorces him. She gets to know about her sisters' life where she committed suicide after suffering from her inlaws home. This incident brings a strom to Jasvinder's life and she starts a community based project that supports South Asian Women affected by Domestic Violence. This is a story of a girl who has suffered a lot and achieved her goals which will inspire many women to stand for themselves.
Characterisation-5/5
Plot-5/5
Narration-5/5
Cover-5/5
Title-5/5
Overall ratings-5/5

[Lesley Hitchens · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard Jasvinder speak in Australia recently and read the book as a result. Not scoring for the literary merit but for the insight it gives to this important problem - forced marriage- a problem we need to be aware of in Australia also, because it is happening here.

[Nicola Robson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a brilliant book. It's so sad that this still happens now but cultural difference I dint think will change. Poor girl.

[Jenny Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a book, by the founder of Karma Nirvana.
She has overcome so much and worked so hard to help other women and this is a fascinating account, and a reminder of the danger she has put herself in. I kept wanting to read on, but did find the ending a little abrupt.

[Jessica Fitzgerald · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I ran away to be free, but now I feel I’ve swapped one prison for another.”

What a deeply tragic reality for many women in this world.

[Shauna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This topic really interests me, most recently because I met a friend of mine at work who is Indian. She was born in England but lives in California now. She told me a lot about her culture and the things her family expects of her. It was all new information to me, and I wanted to read more about it. We had to order this book online because we had a hard time finding it here, as it was published in England. We both read it in just a few days.

I loved it. Jasvinder's story is so unbelievable to me, that I couldn't stop reading it. Even though I know this is happening right under my nose, I still find it so unbelievable. How can people treat their own family this way?! Growing up in the Midwest, I never experienced such drastic family cultures. I was raised to think that everyone is the same, and never to judge skin color or to see someone based on their status. It's so crazy to me that this culture is so racist, sexist, and biased. How can we live in this day and age and not be more socially accepting? These poor women need help, and I wish I was able to help them.

Jasvinder is a hero to these women. She gives them a reason to stand up and get out. I respect her so much for the things she fights for, and the foundation she runs. She is an amazing woman, such a strong role model for young Indian women.

[Amreen E · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that everyone should read. Honour based violence is all around us. However, you will only be able to spot the signs if you are equipped with knowledge. I'm eager to read the other two books by Jasvinder. She has turned her own negative experiences into helping other individuals in her situation or worse.

[Shreya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to sympathise and feel sorry for the author.. but all I felt was that she chose her own outcome. Left her parents to marry a man she didnt love, then left him for an affair that turned violent... Bad decisions... but I think they were fuelled by the rebellion against her parents. She never wanted to do what they asked.. always the opposite. I am also not saying that her parents were perfect.. far from it actually. But they didnt know the world or the alternative customs.

But I am glad that at the end, she decided to use her experiences in a positive manner by setting up the shelter...

Not a bad book.. but didnt actually tug at my hear as I had hoped it would.

[Andreea Tanase · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book would have been no remarkable literary achievement in itself, had it not been a truthful and representative depiction of a shocking reality most of us are not even aware of.
If you forgive the author her sometimes clumsy style and focus on the story, you get an insight into the Indian community in the UK and especially the perpetual drama of young girls whose families put cast, pride and the family 'good name' before their daughters' hapiness or even lieves.
This is a must read and an eye-opener for all of us, free women, who sometimes forget to count our blessings.

[Bipurna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finished reading this book without sleeping whole night and a day.Interesting.I salute her struggle.
But I have to say her 'why didn't you love Jassey even he has played a great role to be 'you'?'
#In a paragraph she writes "My mom and dad at least will approved off - a jatt." I understood this mean the proud of her at last she got married one of the high cast family.has she narrow mind on cast system. If am i wrong plz don't hesitate to make me right.
I appreciate the way of her writing style that can catch every one mind easily.
Thanks for this book.

[janet ozer · Rating 3 out of 5]

A look at a culture that has not evolved

While I found the reason for running away from a forced marriage justified I felt that Jasvinder used another person and disrupted their life only to abandon them when she got what she wanted. I found her selfish and power hungry with no regard for her family's shame in their community even though she understood the pain her actions would bring them. While starting an organisation that helps others is commendable I also get the feeling that recognition and praise are the forces behind her actions.

[Basak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished the book, was easy to read, uncomfortable truths about very solid cultures. Hard to put yourself in their shoes, as an outsider i am finding it really difficult to understand why and what for. Strongly recommended for those having indian friends, to see how hard their life is or else could have been. For people suffering from any honour based abuses, this book could be the wake-up call.

[Tin · Rating 3 out of 5]

A true story about the horrors experienced by some women. And I really can't believe this is true to life. I mean, when you read this, you'll realize you're still lucky you're not one of the girls forced to be married at an early age to an older man. Or, abused by your own relatives.

Luckily there's Karma Nirvana now - the foundation founded by Jasvinder Sanghera herself to help the abused women.

[Sabrina Rutter · Rating 3 out of 5]

Jasvinder saw it all to much in her everyday life, abuse, murder in the name of honour, and families turning their backs on one another just to save face. When she ran away around the age of 15 it became personal.
This is the story of how one Asian woman cut her ties with abusive tradition and became a voice for those afraid to use their own.

[Anisah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story is so heartbreaking! Can't believe that the author went through so much just so her family could uphold the 'honour'! I think it's amazing that she in now working with people who are going though what she did to help them through their struggles.

[Zabetta Camilleri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Show that you don't need to be perfect to do amazing stuff.

An ode to all those women who continue to fight against all odds for what is right