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Resolving Conflict: How to Make, Disturb, and Keep Peace
“Everything Lou writes is helpful, practical, and biblical because of his wisdom gained through years of counseling experience and his love for God’s Word.” —Jim Newheiser, Executive Director, Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship Many Christians see conflict as a dirty word—something to be avoided at all costs. After all, aren’t Christians to be peacemakers who strive to maintain unity? But, as Lou Priolo reminds us, many other things that the Bible exhorts us to do—such as convicting, rebuking, and admonishing other Christians—make conflict a necessary part of the Christian life. Lou takes us through the biblical principles of conflict resolution, beginning before conflict even starts. He shows us the prerequisites we must have in place as we go into conflict, what is at the heart of our conflict, what makes it biblical or unbiblical, and how we should respond to it. He also shares practical steps and advice, giving us specific talking points to resolve conflict and journaling exercises that help us to grow when it happens. Learn how to “make every effort” to maintain unity—even when that effort must start with conflict! “Conflicts are like forest fires. If you can put them out while they're still small, you can save an enormous amount of time and effort. That's why this book is so it provides simple, biblically sound, and incredibly effective insights for resolving conflict in its earliest stages, when it still involves only two people. If you learn and practice these principles, you will spend more time enjoying the people around you—rather than fighting prolonged relational fires.” —Ken Sande, President, Relational Wisdom 360; Author, The Peacemaker Lou Priolo is the founder and president of Competent to Counsel International and is an instructor with Birmingham Theological Seminary. He has been a full-time biblical counselor since 1985 and is a fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. Lou lives in Birmingham, Alabama, with his wife, Kim, and his daughters, Sophia and Gabriella.
305 pages, Kindle Edition
Published August 21, 2016
35 people are currently reading
143 people want to read
About the author
Lou Priolo
64 books44 followersLOU PRIOLO is the Director of Biblical Counseling at Eastwood Presbyterian Church in Montgomery, Alabama. A graduate of Calvary Bible College and Liberty University, he is the author of The Heart of Anger , and The Complete Husband. Lou is also a Fellow in the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors. He resides in Wetumpka, Alabama with his wife, Kim, and daughters, Sophia and Gabriella.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
December 5, 2024
Do you know how God wants you to deal with conflicts in your relationships? What the Bible says? I think we are too much bombarded with what our culture says we need to do with our conflicts. Sometimes it makes us forget what God says. If we are Christ's followers, our conflict resolution will be different than the worlds' ways of dealing with making, disturbing and keeping peace in marriage, parent-child relationship, sibling fights, relatives, co-workers, church members... Let Lou Priolo help you in this!
March 16, 2017
Summary: A practical guidebook to the biblical prerequisites and principles of resolving conflicts between Christians both in home and church contexts.
It might be said that wherever two or more are gathered there is conflict. It is part of the human condition and just because one is a follower of Christ does not mean you can escape conflict. We can try to avoid it, or we can do it very badly. Lou Priolo argues there is a better way and that is to do it biblically, which offers the potential of making peace with each other and going deeper in shared community together.
Priolo begins by outlining four biblical prerequisites to conflict resolution: humility, gentleness, patience, and forbearance. He devotes a chapter to each, surveying the scriptures that speak of these qualities. Priolo argues that these chapters are actually the most important of the book. The last, loving forbearance, is especially important where sin is not at the root of the conflict. People may just be different from each other and sometimes learning to bear with and even begin to delight in those differences can circumvent many conflicts.
At the same time, that is not always possible, so how does one, embracing the four prerequisites, resolve conflict? The next ten chapters get very practical with the "how" of conflict resolution. He begins by distinguishing three kinds of conflict: those over differentness, those over sinfulness, and those over righteousness (where we disagree about what is right). He explores how love communicates, how we respond to reproof, the heart motives behind conflict, ways we respond unbiblically to conflict, good questions we can ask to resolve conflict, how far to go in a conflict, and the importance of doing all we can insofar as it depends on us to resolve conflict.
In addition to the prerequisites, this book assumes three things about the reader. One is that you are really serious about resolving conflict, serious enough to taking a hard look at your own contribution to a conflict, to face the ways you have sinned against another, and to be willing to take personal steps to change. Second is that you really want your life to be shaped in detail by the teaching of scripture regarding conflict, as well as in other matters. Every chapter includes detailed biblical material and Priolo wants to call things, particularly our sins, according to what scripture says. Finally, this books assumes you are willing to do some hard work, first in self reflection through checklists and journalling exercises, and then in conversation with another.
For those with familiarity with various forms of Christian counselling, Priolo is a disciple of Jay Adams. The book reflects a rigorous Reformed perspective including frequent quotes of one of the best of the Reformers, Richard Baxter, and in marriage relationships assumes a complementarian perspective, though not aggressively advancing this. One need not share these perspectives to benefit from the counsel and exercises Priolo provides. His discussion of the prerequisites for resolving conflict and the exercises that prompt self-reflection would seem helpful regardless one's theological persuasion.
The style is highly readable and one gets a clear sense of the author's voice. It may not be the reader's and the author encourages people to put things in their own words, not just mimic his. All told, this is a useful resource for conflicts in homes, and in the church.
_____________________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
It might be said that wherever two or more are gathered there is conflict. It is part of the human condition and just because one is a follower of Christ does not mean you can escape conflict. We can try to avoid it, or we can do it very badly. Lou Priolo argues there is a better way and that is to do it biblically, which offers the potential of making peace with each other and going deeper in shared community together.
Priolo begins by outlining four biblical prerequisites to conflict resolution: humility, gentleness, patience, and forbearance. He devotes a chapter to each, surveying the scriptures that speak of these qualities. Priolo argues that these chapters are actually the most important of the book. The last, loving forbearance, is especially important where sin is not at the root of the conflict. People may just be different from each other and sometimes learning to bear with and even begin to delight in those differences can circumvent many conflicts.
At the same time, that is not always possible, so how does one, embracing the four prerequisites, resolve conflict? The next ten chapters get very practical with the "how" of conflict resolution. He begins by distinguishing three kinds of conflict: those over differentness, those over sinfulness, and those over righteousness (where we disagree about what is right). He explores how love communicates, how we respond to reproof, the heart motives behind conflict, ways we respond unbiblically to conflict, good questions we can ask to resolve conflict, how far to go in a conflict, and the importance of doing all we can insofar as it depends on us to resolve conflict.
In addition to the prerequisites, this book assumes three things about the reader. One is that you are really serious about resolving conflict, serious enough to taking a hard look at your own contribution to a conflict, to face the ways you have sinned against another, and to be willing to take personal steps to change. Second is that you really want your life to be shaped in detail by the teaching of scripture regarding conflict, as well as in other matters. Every chapter includes detailed biblical material and Priolo wants to call things, particularly our sins, according to what scripture says. Finally, this books assumes you are willing to do some hard work, first in self reflection through checklists and journalling exercises, and then in conversation with another.
For those with familiarity with various forms of Christian counselling, Priolo is a disciple of Jay Adams. The book reflects a rigorous Reformed perspective including frequent quotes of one of the best of the Reformers, Richard Baxter, and in marriage relationships assumes a complementarian perspective, though not aggressively advancing this. One need not share these perspectives to benefit from the counsel and exercises Priolo provides. His discussion of the prerequisites for resolving conflict and the exercises that prompt self-reflection would seem helpful regardless one's theological persuasion.
The style is highly readable and one gets a clear sense of the author's voice. It may not be the reader's and the author encourages people to put things in their own words, not just mimic his. All told, this is a useful resource for conflicts in homes, and in the church.
_____________________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
April 3, 2019
Wherever people are, there is conflict.
Conflict is a difficult topic for a Christian. We know it’s a problem, but sometimes there seems to be no way out. We wonder how to end it. We do not understand how to avoid it. And, according to author Lou Priolo, we do not know how to start it appropriately either.
So Priolo wrote Resolving Conflict: How to Make, Disturb, and Keep Peace. Basing his book on Ephesians 4:1-3, he first discusses characteristics needed to resolve conflict and secondly outlines biblical principles of conflict resolution.
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:1-3)
Following this text, Resolving Conflict’s first section deals with humility, gentleness, patience, and loving forbearance. It discusses these character qualities in great detail, talks about their opposites, includes checklists for the reader, and gives practical advice. These first chapters are foundational to what comes later, as Priolo reminds us that we cannot speak what is good during a conflict unless the Holy Spirit is sanctifying our hearts. There is work for us to do here, through the strength of the Holy Spirit. This work, in obedience to God’s Word, is the basis for the second half of the book as well as a part of every Christian life.
This second half of Resolving Conflict is very practical in a different way. Carefully Priolo outlines three different types of conflict (due to differentness, due to sin, or due to disagreements about what is right), showing how these different types of conflict require different solutions. He discusses communication, responding to reproof, the heart of conflict, unbiblical internal and external responses to conflict, conflict resolving questions, how to respond more biblically, and how to reorient a conflict gone bad.
Finally he returns to Ephesians 4, focussing on the last verse: “…eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” He calls it “The Hidden Prerequisite” and points out that we are called to be active and diligent in this. There’s a balance, not an opposition, between prayer and diligent effort, and an even deeper, though more contested, one between the Spirit’s work and ours. This section, too, is filled with pointed questions to the reader and it, too, emphasizes that not all conflict is the result of sin between people though all conflict can easily lead to sin.
…
You can read my personal responses to this book in the complete review, available on my blog: http://anniekateshomeschoolreviews.co...
Conflict is a difficult topic for a Christian. We know it’s a problem, but sometimes there seems to be no way out. We wonder how to end it. We do not understand how to avoid it. And, according to author Lou Priolo, we do not know how to start it appropriately either.
So Priolo wrote Resolving Conflict: How to Make, Disturb, and Keep Peace. Basing his book on Ephesians 4:1-3, he first discusses characteristics needed to resolve conflict and secondly outlines biblical principles of conflict resolution.
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:1-3)
Following this text, Resolving Conflict’s first section deals with humility, gentleness, patience, and loving forbearance. It discusses these character qualities in great detail, talks about their opposites, includes checklists for the reader, and gives practical advice. These first chapters are foundational to what comes later, as Priolo reminds us that we cannot speak what is good during a conflict unless the Holy Spirit is sanctifying our hearts. There is work for us to do here, through the strength of the Holy Spirit. This work, in obedience to God’s Word, is the basis for the second half of the book as well as a part of every Christian life.
This second half of Resolving Conflict is very practical in a different way. Carefully Priolo outlines three different types of conflict (due to differentness, due to sin, or due to disagreements about what is right), showing how these different types of conflict require different solutions. He discusses communication, responding to reproof, the heart of conflict, unbiblical internal and external responses to conflict, conflict resolving questions, how to respond more biblically, and how to reorient a conflict gone bad.
Finally he returns to Ephesians 4, focussing on the last verse: “…eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” He calls it “The Hidden Prerequisite” and points out that we are called to be active and diligent in this. There’s a balance, not an opposition, between prayer and diligent effort, and an even deeper, though more contested, one between the Spirit’s work and ours. This section, too, is filled with pointed questions to the reader and it, too, emphasizes that not all conflict is the result of sin between people though all conflict can easily lead to sin.
…
You can read my personal responses to this book in the complete review, available on my blog: http://anniekateshomeschoolreviews.co...
December 10, 2019
I always enjoy Priolo's books, this one was no different. Some of the material is found in other books, which he points out. The book is really divided up into two sections. The first one looks at foundational characteristics for being a peacemaker. He draws from Ephesians 4:1-3. As per usual he explains the text and applies it well. The second section is the nuts and bolts of working through conflict. There are a lot of helpful things discussed. He has a lot of tools to help people walk through conflict in a Biblical way.
October 27, 2021
Excellent for anyone wanting to improve communication and love others and grow in self awareness with habitual pitfalls.
May 29, 2024
This is an excellent and altogether Scriptural resource that I will use for reference in navigating conflicts. While Part 2 breaks things down practically and thoroughly, the highlight for me is in Part 1, which is essentially a mini-commentary of Ephesians 4:2. This is where Priolo derives his categories and terminologies from. While I would have loved some more dedicated advice for conflicts with unbelievers (which is why I bought the book!), Priolo has nonetheless offered plenty to stew on for my own sanctification.
October 1, 2016
Another biblical counseling book on resolving conflict. The author admits there are other books on resolving conflict referring to Ken Sande's The Peacemaker, he claims his book is both useful and it's contents can't be found anywhere else. I agree that this information is helpful and different from The Peacemaker. Where The peacemaker is what to do, this book is more the attitude and motives by which to do what The Peacemaker suggests. However, I don't agree it's contents can't be found elsewhere, after all it couldn't be called biblical if it's contents were not found also in the bible. However there can be use for books on specific topics like this one, I just think the author might think his book is more original or necessary than it is. As a past biblical counseling student, this is much of the same format as the rest of the training materials. It even includes a guide to conflict Journaling and an appendix on biblical alternatives to commonly used terms for sin (though that section I found unhelpful). Overall, if you are looking for a book on resolving conflict, respectably if you are a biblical counselor this book should be helpful.
December 6, 2016
This book came to me at perfect timing, in the mist of dealing with family conflict. This book takes on a biblical view on resolving conflict, many applications one can apply during daily living. I found the information useful and relevant, practical, while challenging at times. I found sample dialogues very helpful. I would definitely recommend this book to readers who want to respond to conflict in a biblical way rather then the way culture dictates
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews