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The Bride Price
When Mai Neng Moua decides to get married, her mother, a widow, wants the groom to follow Hmong custom and pay a bride price, which both honors the work the bride's family has done in raising a daughter and offers a promise of love and security from the groom's family. Mai Neng, who knows the pain this tradition has caused, says no. Her husband-to-be supports her choice.
What happens next is devastating, and it raises questions about the very meaning of being Hmong in America. The couple refuses to participate in the tshoob , the traditional Hmong marriage ceremony; many members of their families, on both sides, stay away from their church wedding. Months later, the families carry out the tshoob without the wedding couple. But even after the bride price has been paid, Mai Neng finds herself outside of Hmong culture and at odds with her mother, not realizing the full meaning of the customs she has rejected. As she navigates the Hmong world of animism, Christianity, and traditional gender roles, she begins to learn what she has not been taught. Through a trip to Thailand, through hard work in the garden, through the birth of another generation, one strong woman seeks reconciliation with another.
What happens next is devastating, and it raises questions about the very meaning of being Hmong in America. The couple refuses to participate in the tshoob , the traditional Hmong marriage ceremony; many members of their families, on both sides, stay away from their church wedding. Months later, the families carry out the tshoob without the wedding couple. But even after the bride price has been paid, Mai Neng finds herself outside of Hmong culture and at odds with her mother, not realizing the full meaning of the customs she has rejected. As she navigates the Hmong world of animism, Christianity, and traditional gender roles, she begins to learn what she has not been taught. Through a trip to Thailand, through hard work in the garden, through the birth of another generation, one strong woman seeks reconciliation with another.
240 pages, Paperback
Published March 1, 2017
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403 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
January 9, 2020
Told by the experience of an independent Hmong woman, a true Hmong wedding story that is mixed with the challenges of being Hmong in America is portrayed in the book, The Bride Price, written by Mai Neng Moua. Getting married in the Hmong culture is never easy, but Mai Neng Moua knew exactly what she wanted. Leaving behind most of the Hmong traditions, Mai Neng Moua wanted to get married without a bride price. A bride price is when the groom’s family pays the bride’s family a marriage fee in order to marry his desired one. Some people see the bride price as how much value the bride has. The heavy weight of the bride price on one’s shoulder is too much to carry, therefore Mai Neng wants to get married without a bride price. She didn’t want a bride price to determine how much value she has. She knew her worth was more than that. Mai Neng’s family disapproves and urges her to get married with a bride price. Her marriage doesn’t turn out so well when the whole world is against her and her ideas. Risking it all, she stands tall and fights for what she wants to do for her wedding even if it means losing her own family.
This book was a rollercoaster of emotions. It was more relatable to me than any other book since I am a Hmong woman myself. I also go through the challenges and struggles of being Hmong in America. Through this book, Hmong traditions are shown and it would definitely be a recommended topic for anyone who wants to learn more about Hmong traditions. I feel as if Mai Neng did a great job of explaining about her past even if it was pure faint memories. The book was choppy yet it showed how Mai Neng’s marriage was confusing since she kept jumping from one topic to another. The book would be a great read for both Hmong women and Hmong men to understand the pain that one has to go through for marriage in the Hmong culture because Hmong people don’t see the ugly side of Hmong traditions. It is empowering and showed how independent Mai Neng was. Risking it all because she knew her worth was more than a bride price that determines one’s value. Mai Neng didn’t and still won’t let anyone determine how much value she has. I respect the fact that Mai Neng clearly shows how beautiful the Hmong culture is yet the traditions can be uglier than it seems. The Bride Price is a must read.
This book was a rollercoaster of emotions. It was more relatable to me than any other book since I am a Hmong woman myself. I also go through the challenges and struggles of being Hmong in America. Through this book, Hmong traditions are shown and it would definitely be a recommended topic for anyone who wants to learn more about Hmong traditions. I feel as if Mai Neng did a great job of explaining about her past even if it was pure faint memories. The book was choppy yet it showed how Mai Neng’s marriage was confusing since she kept jumping from one topic to another. The book would be a great read for both Hmong women and Hmong men to understand the pain that one has to go through for marriage in the Hmong culture because Hmong people don’t see the ugly side of Hmong traditions. It is empowering and showed how independent Mai Neng was. Risking it all because she knew her worth was more than a bride price that determines one’s value. Mai Neng didn’t and still won’t let anyone determine how much value she has. I respect the fact that Mai Neng clearly shows how beautiful the Hmong culture is yet the traditions can be uglier than it seems. The Bride Price is a must read.
February 12, 2018
This book was just fascinating. Although her writing style is not particularly flowing, the interest and the complexity of the issues Moua brings up kept me turning pages. The book is not just about culture, but about generations, mothers and daughters, communication, and the value of perseverance when relationships with our loved ones are difficult. Additionally, I learned so many things about how Hmong cultural marriage works. Such an interesting book, I want to form a book club to discuss it!
March 18, 2024
This is an amazing book that gives you such a unique, intimate insight into not only another person's life but their culture. While I'm not one to typically read memoirs, the first part of this book had me hooked almost immediately. The writing feels so real. This book is not just about paying a bride price, it's about family, personal growth, interpersonal relationships, and cultural clash. A fantastic piece of non-fiction in every sense!
February 24, 2018
A very interesting book; provides a window into a facet 0f Hmong culture. The idea of a bride price, what it means to both families is extremely interesting to me.
February 15, 2018
An honest and compelling memoir that shows so much about how generation 1.5 Hmong women are caught in-between, and forging new ways forward.
May 21, 2020
I don’t live in an area with a Hmong community, but I had read The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Cultures, about a young Hmong child with epilepsy and the misunderstanding and miscommunication between the Western doctors treating her and her parents, with their animistic beliefs. That book piqued my interest in the Hmong people, which led me to this book.
Moua is clear from the beginning, however, that even her understanding of Hmong culture is limited at best. She’s at the level of a little kid; she knows that things are done and when, but not fully the why or the cultural impact of doing the thing. It causes her a great deal of heartache between not only herself and her mother, but also herself and the rest of her extended family and clan. Moua is very honest about it all, but one can understand that even if you’re raised in a traditional Hmong family here in the US, that there will be a lot of nuances that may be lost because you don’t live in a Hmong village in your homeland. And the loss of so many Hmong people in the Secret War can’t be helpful when it comes to maintaining traditions, not when so many were men and it’s the men who are required to perform a lot of the rituals.
The book itself is not all that well written. It’s quite choppy and bounces around from subject to subject. But it’s interesting to read about one Hmong woman’s experience in being caught between the traditions of her culture and her desire to live a more equitable American lifestyle.
Moua is clear from the beginning, however, that even her understanding of Hmong culture is limited at best. She’s at the level of a little kid; she knows that things are done and when, but not fully the why or the cultural impact of doing the thing. It causes her a great deal of heartache between not only herself and her mother, but also herself and the rest of her extended family and clan. Moua is very honest about it all, but one can understand that even if you’re raised in a traditional Hmong family here in the US, that there will be a lot of nuances that may be lost because you don’t live in a Hmong village in your homeland. And the loss of so many Hmong people in the Secret War can’t be helpful when it comes to maintaining traditions, not when so many were men and it’s the men who are required to perform a lot of the rituals.
The book itself is not all that well written. It’s quite choppy and bounces around from subject to subject. But it’s interesting to read about one Hmong woman’s experience in being caught between the traditions of her culture and her desire to live a more equitable American lifestyle.
October 13, 2017
*edited from 3 to 4 stars - the more I thought about this book and after seeing the author speak the more I appreciate this as a very personal memoir, a brave look at her relationships and culture, and one that could open her to quite a bit of criticism in her community.*
It comes down to a culture in flux. There is no way that the traditional Hmong way of marrying, (which the author herself admits she had a very limited understanding of) will be able to persist in modern day America. While many Hmong women will follow their parents wishes I think that it's only natural that more young people will find their own partners and that the bride price and all of the other rituals will have to adapt.
That said, this book seems to come down to a lot of miscommunication. Whether it's just part of the culture, "Hmongspeak" the author calls it, where beating around the bush is what you do, or the mother/daughter dynamic, wife/husband dynamic, etc. there is an awful lot of passive aggressiveness going on. Wow!
I found the book interesting because of the numbers of Hmong I see in my area. So much Hmong language is used in this book and a glossary really would have been helpful.
It comes down to a culture in flux. There is no way that the traditional Hmong way of marrying, (which the author herself admits she had a very limited understanding of) will be able to persist in modern day America. While many Hmong women will follow their parents wishes I think that it's only natural that more young people will find their own partners and that the bride price and all of the other rituals will have to adapt.
That said, this book seems to come down to a lot of miscommunication. Whether it's just part of the culture, "Hmongspeak" the author calls it, where beating around the bush is what you do, or the mother/daughter dynamic, wife/husband dynamic, etc. there is an awful lot of passive aggressiveness going on. Wow!
I found the book interesting because of the numbers of Hmong I see in my area. So much Hmong language is used in this book and a glossary really would have been helpful.
September 12, 2017
This was a fascinating look at the terrific difficulties of bridging cultures, traditional Hmong and modern American, particularly around the complexities of marriage and relationships. Mai Neng Moua's honest and well written memoir is full of pain as well as rich detail about Hmong history and culture, as she herself tried to learn her own culture and past. Her mother, a war widow, brought her and her siblings across the Mekong, into refugee camps, ultimately ending up in Minneapolis. She farms and sells at the farmer's market in St. Paul. Mai Neng Moua's husband, Blong Yang, was the first Hmong person to hold elected office in Minneapolis. She founded the Hmong literary arts journal, Paj Ntaub Voice. "Deciding to remember, and what to remember, is how we decide who we are." (Robert Pinsky)
August 31, 2017
A rare book written by a member of generation 1.5. Mai was born overseas, but resettled in the US as a young girl. She struggles to navigate American and Hmong cultures as she doesn't really fit in or understand her step-mother's generation, but isn't completely American either. Sympathetically written, thoughtfully considered, and touching on how legal, medical, and political systems numb up against culture and family.
July 19, 2021
Not great writing, but I learned a ton about Hmong culture and traditions, which was great.
August 1, 2019
More Review on my blog under books tab! :)
I must say I was a little disappointed. This book was a bit choppy in terms of formating. Although I understand the use of Hmong words, it was a bit awkward at times if you know Hmong, and I think a close romanization of pronunciation would have been helpful for those who cant read Hmong, otherwise it kind of just gets lost in the story or may affect the flow of the reading. I mean she did write that "we.....dont need to be translated so others can understand us." But I think it could've helped. It was hard to stay engaged, and sometimes when it just starts getting interesting..that part of the story just ends...:(
As a fellow Hmong american woman myself, born in the US, I found her very agreeable at times and very frustrating at others. I think the best way to describe my feelings on this is that everything happened due the lack of understanding of cultures from both the older generation and the "americanized" generation- I use that term loosely. We dont take the time to understand one another and explain things. Hmong people tend to avoid explaining and questioning and especially about important things like weddings and funerals. When you throw in other religions to the mix, it messes with the system even more because now it's also due to a difference in religion.
I was surprise by how little she understood Hmong traditions and how progressive her thoughts were for someone from that generation. Something I dont see often at all. Granted she grew up a Christian and not around traditional animist that often so I kind of can understand why she would not fully understand and not realize the consequences of her actions. Because she is right, hmong women are never part of the discussion. But it was still shocking to realize how little she knew. But then again, I'm partially to blame to assume that just cuz youre older or from that generation you would automatically apply the same rules to life or not be as progressive.
But thank you, for sharing your story because so many people are most likely going through similar situation especially now..
-----random comments i have that is not really necessary to read but I wanna add it anyway-----
At one point she compares her feelings on her christian marriage to something we call poob plig (pong plee literal translation drop spirit/soul, or the lost of a piece of your spirit/soul), but I wouldnt compare it to that. We have another saying for that which is phlig tu siab (plee thu shia)- meaning soul/spirit is sad, both are usually due to some event that happened. But the latter is because Something that made you so sad, it affected not only your physical form emotionally but your soul's emotion as well.
This book is definitely pro- change for Hmong weddings, and as much as I am for change I also realize that both, having the bride price and the lack of it, may be important to all parties involved and like the story says you cant just ignore one and do the other without accidentally burning bridges and ruining relationships. Ideally..I think now, we are at the point where the families really need to come to a compromise of some sort, where not only men do the negotiation but all involved parties, and proceed with what they have agreed.. We can claim lack of understanding of cultures all was want, but in the end it's about the principles and feeling respected.
I must say I was a little disappointed. This book was a bit choppy in terms of formating. Although I understand the use of Hmong words, it was a bit awkward at times if you know Hmong, and I think a close romanization of pronunciation would have been helpful for those who cant read Hmong, otherwise it kind of just gets lost in the story or may affect the flow of the reading. I mean she did write that "we.....dont need to be translated so others can understand us." But I think it could've helped. It was hard to stay engaged, and sometimes when it just starts getting interesting..that part of the story just ends...:(
As a fellow Hmong american woman myself, born in the US, I found her very agreeable at times and very frustrating at others. I think the best way to describe my feelings on this is that everything happened due the lack of understanding of cultures from both the older generation and the "americanized" generation- I use that term loosely. We dont take the time to understand one another and explain things. Hmong people tend to avoid explaining and questioning and especially about important things like weddings and funerals. When you throw in other religions to the mix, it messes with the system even more because now it's also due to a difference in religion.
I was surprise by how little she understood Hmong traditions and how progressive her thoughts were for someone from that generation. Something I dont see often at all. Granted she grew up a Christian and not around traditional animist that often so I kind of can understand why she would not fully understand and not realize the consequences of her actions. Because she is right, hmong women are never part of the discussion. But it was still shocking to realize how little she knew. But then again, I'm partially to blame to assume that just cuz youre older or from that generation you would automatically apply the same rules to life or not be as progressive.
But thank you, for sharing your story because so many people are most likely going through similar situation especially now..
-----random comments i have that is not really necessary to read but I wanna add it anyway-----
At one point she compares her feelings on her christian marriage to something we call poob plig (pong plee literal translation drop spirit/soul, or the lost of a piece of your spirit/soul), but I wouldnt compare it to that. We have another saying for that which is phlig tu siab (plee thu shia)- meaning soul/spirit is sad, both are usually due to some event that happened. But the latter is because Something that made you so sad, it affected not only your physical form emotionally but your soul's emotion as well.
This book is definitely pro- change for Hmong weddings, and as much as I am for change I also realize that both, having the bride price and the lack of it, may be important to all parties involved and like the story says you cant just ignore one and do the other without accidentally burning bridges and ruining relationships. Ideally..I think now, we are at the point where the families really need to come to a compromise of some sort, where not only men do the negotiation but all involved parties, and proceed with what they have agreed.. We can claim lack of understanding of cultures all was want, but in the end it's about the principles and feeling respected.
June 29, 2018
I had the privilege of attending a motivational event for Hmong students when The Bride Price: A Hmong Wedding Story was released in 2017. I saw firsthand the look on students’ and staff faces, first as they each received a copy, and then when they had it signed by the author, Mai Neng Moua. They were ecstatic. They were beaming with pride. It’s rare that the Hmong see their culture given the consideration that it deserves.
Many of the Hmong students and staff, who immediately began reading their copy of The Bride Price, did so as if they were looking at a mirror of their own culture. The Bride Price shows the beauty of the individual looking at it—they can see their role and value in a proud, communal culture thousands of years old. But the same mirror also shows deeply rooted cultural blemishes that cannot be covered up. Moua probes those blemishes with tireless questioning of her immediate and extended family: Why are women seen as second class citizens? Why aren’t the values and feelings of young Hmong adults, raised in America, given the same consideration as those (mostly elders) who were born and raised in Laos and Thailand? Hmong children are raised to proudly stand and affirm, “I am Hmong!” and yet there is no I in Hmong. For the first time, Moua explains the extensive Hmong philosophy and rituals regarding dating, engagement, and marriage from the perspective of someone who doesn’t blindly accept all of them.
The Bride Price is not my favorite story of a new age Asian daughter and her struggles with her old world mother. That honor would go to The Joy Cluck Club by Amy Tan. But Moua’s story of exasperation with her mother, Niam, while maintaining boundless love and respect for that same woman that she holds in solemn reverence would definitely be a close second. Moua’s balancing act of finding her way as a child to a young woman and then a mother of young women, though very cultural specific, is universal in its scope and legacy. I see my very own father, may his memory be blessed, in the determined, immovable force that is Niam.
Staff at any location that serves immigrant populations need to read The Bride Price. It brilliantly depicts the fresh opportunities that present themselves to an immigrant population, opportunities that often seem to threaten the very base and existence of that culture who often came to America with nothing but their cultural identity, which as they take root and prosper, now seems more a memory than a core reality.
Many of the Hmong students and staff, who immediately began reading their copy of The Bride Price, did so as if they were looking at a mirror of their own culture. The Bride Price shows the beauty of the individual looking at it—they can see their role and value in a proud, communal culture thousands of years old. But the same mirror also shows deeply rooted cultural blemishes that cannot be covered up. Moua probes those blemishes with tireless questioning of her immediate and extended family: Why are women seen as second class citizens? Why aren’t the values and feelings of young Hmong adults, raised in America, given the same consideration as those (mostly elders) who were born and raised in Laos and Thailand? Hmong children are raised to proudly stand and affirm, “I am Hmong!” and yet there is no I in Hmong. For the first time, Moua explains the extensive Hmong philosophy and rituals regarding dating, engagement, and marriage from the perspective of someone who doesn’t blindly accept all of them.
The Bride Price is not my favorite story of a new age Asian daughter and her struggles with her old world mother. That honor would go to The Joy Cluck Club by Amy Tan. But Moua’s story of exasperation with her mother, Niam, while maintaining boundless love and respect for that same woman that she holds in solemn reverence would definitely be a close second. Moua’s balancing act of finding her way as a child to a young woman and then a mother of young women, though very cultural specific, is universal in its scope and legacy. I see my very own father, may his memory be blessed, in the determined, immovable force that is Niam.
Staff at any location that serves immigrant populations need to read The Bride Price. It brilliantly depicts the fresh opportunities that present themselves to an immigrant population, opportunities that often seem to threaten the very base and existence of that culture who often came to America with nothing but their cultural identity, which as they take root and prosper, now seems more a memory than a core reality.
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July 8, 2020The Bride Price details Mai Neng Moua’s experiences getting married as a Hmong American woman. It is a Hmong custom as part of the marriage process that the groom’s family pays the bride’s family. Essentially, this is meant to show appreciation to her family for the time and money they spent on raising a good daughter, as well as to compensate the family for losing the daughter’s income and household contributions (traditionally the bride lives with her husband’s family). Mai Neng Moua’s story is about her refusal to take part in the bride price, because she didn’t want to feel like a product that was for sale, and the conflicts it created for her and her family. In a broader sense, Mai Neng Moua’s story is also that of a refugee family and of growing up both Hmong and American, while not feeling fully included in either culture.
I read this book because it was part of the “Racial Equity Book Club” at the Ramsey County Libraries. We recently had an all-staff training day, and the author came for a reading and Q and A. Although (from what I’ve seen so far) there is not a large Hmong population using the Maplewood Library, I’m glad I got to read this book and learned a lot from it. Being new to Minnesota, which has such a large Hmong population, it’s good to know more about the history and culture of the cities. It also brings up a lot of great points about the value—both individual and societal—of topics such as religion, cultural groups, gender roles, language, traditions, community, and family.
I really enjoyed this book and I feel like I learned a lot from it. I’m assuming there are other CTEPs from outside the twin cities, like myself, who haven’t lived in areas with much of a Hmong population and who don’t know much about the culture. This book is a very narrative-driven way to learn more about it, from the point of view of a Hmong American woman who throughout the book questions and learns about her own culture. It’s also great to support a local writer! She grew up here, and most of the book takes place in St Paul/Minneapolis. I would definitely recommend this book to other CTEPs/anyone who wants to know a little more about Hmong culture.
I read this book because it was part of the “Racial Equity Book Club” at the Ramsey County Libraries. We recently had an all-staff training day, and the author came for a reading and Q and A. Although (from what I’ve seen so far) there is not a large Hmong population using the Maplewood Library, I’m glad I got to read this book and learned a lot from it. Being new to Minnesota, which has such a large Hmong population, it’s good to know more about the history and culture of the cities. It also brings up a lot of great points about the value—both individual and societal—of topics such as religion, cultural groups, gender roles, language, traditions, community, and family.
I really enjoyed this book and I feel like I learned a lot from it. I’m assuming there are other CTEPs from outside the twin cities, like myself, who haven’t lived in areas with much of a Hmong population and who don’t know much about the culture. This book is a very narrative-driven way to learn more about it, from the point of view of a Hmong American woman who throughout the book questions and learns about her own culture. It’s also great to support a local writer! She grew up here, and most of the book takes place in St Paul/Minneapolis. I would definitely recommend this book to other CTEPs/anyone who wants to know a little more about Hmong culture.
August 11, 2018
Since its release in 2017, I'd been looking forward to reading the memoir after hearing rave reviews from friends and contacts. 18 pages into the memoir, I found myself frustrated with the writer for multiple reasons: her narrative voice, her overall indecisiveness with major and minor issues in life, and her failure to see herself as less the victim and part of the problem. I left the book alone for awhile but decided to continue, because there was hope it might get better or have a wonderful resolution.
Page after page, you're given a writer and person who doesn't know how to navigate herself. There were multiple moments where it felt like she was incredibly removed from reality, and not from trauma, but from ignorance. Sheer ignorance. Ignorance on the Hmong community, ignorance on Hmong traditions and issues, ignorance on her own privileges as an educated, Americanized Christian Hmong woman, and ignorance of her own reasons why she and her husband didn't attend the rooj tshoob (which was one of the crux moments of the entire memoir).
The writer comes off incredibly naive, incredibly selfish, incredibly dense to the lives around her, and worst of all, incredibly indecisive. Do you know how frustrating it is to read through the perspective of an indecisive person?
I thought if I continued with the memoir, I could at least benefit from the cultural insight available, but her interpretations of the cultural values and traditions kept alive by the Hmong community are used as a means to remind the reader just how American and removed she is from the issues she's immediately afflicted by.
I'm still a little confused as to why people are praising this memoir. I'm sure white people appreciate it because they think anything they read in a book is quotable for the next conversation they might have on understanding the Hmong or Asian community.
I do not desire keeping this book in my personal library and will be donating it.
Page after page, you're given a writer and person who doesn't know how to navigate herself. There were multiple moments where it felt like she was incredibly removed from reality, and not from trauma, but from ignorance. Sheer ignorance. Ignorance on the Hmong community, ignorance on Hmong traditions and issues, ignorance on her own privileges as an educated, Americanized Christian Hmong woman, and ignorance of her own reasons why she and her husband didn't attend the rooj tshoob (which was one of the crux moments of the entire memoir).
The writer comes off incredibly naive, incredibly selfish, incredibly dense to the lives around her, and worst of all, incredibly indecisive. Do you know how frustrating it is to read through the perspective of an indecisive person?
I thought if I continued with the memoir, I could at least benefit from the cultural insight available, but her interpretations of the cultural values and traditions kept alive by the Hmong community are used as a means to remind the reader just how American and removed she is from the issues she's immediately afflicted by.
I'm still a little confused as to why people are praising this memoir. I'm sure white people appreciate it because they think anything they read in a book is quotable for the next conversation they might have on understanding the Hmong or Asian community.
I do not desire keeping this book in my personal library and will be donating it.
June 7, 2025
Subtitle: A Hmong Wedding Story
Moua was brought to the United States by her refugee mother when she was a young child. Her father had died in Laos, and her mother walked to a refugee camp in Thailand with Mai, her older brother Kai, their younger brother Yai, and some rice. The family ultimately settled in St Paul, Minnesota where Moua’s uncles lived, converted from the animist Hmong religion to Christianity (Baptist), and grew up more American that Hmong. After completing college and beginning a successful career, Mai fell in love with a Hmong man, Blong, an attorney. When they decided they wanted to marry, however, they ran up against an ancient tradition – the bride price.
Mai didn’t want to be “sold like a bunch of grapes,” and her husband agreed to abide by her wishes. But in the Hmong community they were not considered married without the traditional feast and the traditional bride price.
Their decision to go their own way caused a rift in the family, not just with Mai’s mother, but the extended family of uncles, cousins and even friends.
In this memoir, Moua tries to explain the cultural importance of these rituals, and her ultimate decision regarding these traditions. It’s a somewhat fraught memoir. I could totally understand her distress, anxiety, puzzlement, anger, and resignation. I also clearly understood the love she had for her family.
My only complaint about the book is the heavy use of Hmong language phrases. Yes, she explains what they mean … the first time a phrase is used. But there is no glossary, so pages (or chapters) later when the phrase came up again, I’d be lost for a moment until I could find the original reference to understand what was meant. I often could make an educated guess based on context, but still, a glossary would have been very helpful.
Moua was brought to the United States by her refugee mother when she was a young child. Her father had died in Laos, and her mother walked to a refugee camp in Thailand with Mai, her older brother Kai, their younger brother Yai, and some rice. The family ultimately settled in St Paul, Minnesota where Moua’s uncles lived, converted from the animist Hmong religion to Christianity (Baptist), and grew up more American that Hmong. After completing college and beginning a successful career, Mai fell in love with a Hmong man, Blong, an attorney. When they decided they wanted to marry, however, they ran up against an ancient tradition – the bride price.
Mai didn’t want to be “sold like a bunch of grapes,” and her husband agreed to abide by her wishes. But in the Hmong community they were not considered married without the traditional feast and the traditional bride price.
Their decision to go their own way caused a rift in the family, not just with Mai’s mother, but the extended family of uncles, cousins and even friends.
In this memoir, Moua tries to explain the cultural importance of these rituals, and her ultimate decision regarding these traditions. It’s a somewhat fraught memoir. I could totally understand her distress, anxiety, puzzlement, anger, and resignation. I also clearly understood the love she had for her family.
My only complaint about the book is the heavy use of Hmong language phrases. Yes, she explains what they mean … the first time a phrase is used. But there is no glossary, so pages (or chapters) later when the phrase came up again, I’d be lost for a moment until I could find the original reference to understand what was meant. I often could make an educated guess based on context, but still, a glossary would have been very helpful.
March 11, 2018
This book was recommended to me on the Sacramento Public Library recommendations page. It was a "Staff Pick." I really enjoyed reading it! It told the story of a Hmong woman, brought to the USA at the age of seven, from a Thai refugee camp. She knew little of the Hmong marriage rituals, so she decided on an American wedding. This spoiled her relationship with her mother, especially, and with the extended family, for nine full years! Finally, she made it up to her mother and the family, so peace was created. The book explains many things about the Hmong animist religion and the marriage rituals. It's valuable information, in a fascinating personal memoir!
July 6, 2017
I really enjoyed this book. First of all I don't know very much about the Hmong Community. I found it very fascinating. She came here as a young girl from Laos with her two brothers and her mom so it really told the story of traditional Hmong customs colliding with American customs. The authoris from Saint Paul Minnesota and Herner husband and I live in North Minneapolis and he was the first mung city Council member. I would highly recommend reading this book
February 14, 2019
While I found the culture parts interesting to read, I found her writing to be difficult to follow. She was all over the place with lots of thoughts on a single page. I would have liked her to do a little more research instead of just saying "well I just don't get it". I do appreciate her verbalizing her struggles to be both a "cultural hmong girl" and live here in America where we do not have the same beliefs and values. Overall I thought it was interesting
December 8, 2021
I am Hmong American, so a lot of the culture and things mentioned in this book was familiar and relatable to me; a lot of Mai Neng's struggle comes from her lack of familiarity and understanding of Hmong culture and customs. She explores it as she enters each phase of her life -- in this case, marriage. I am 2/3 into the book and I can see the frustration comes from a lack of identity in herself and lack of support from her mother, brother, and clan leaders. She does receive kindness from outsiders such as her kidney donor and cousins. The only flaw in Mai Neng is that she doesn't challenge her American ideas equally. For example, she doesn't want the bride price, but didn't question her husband having a bachelorette party and was even unsure at one point why her and Blong were against the bride price which shows she did not explore it thoroughly enough despite being so adamant about her position. I do feel for her and appreciate this book as a Hmong American. I will update my review when I finish the book.
April 25, 2023
I rounded up. I spent most of the middle part of this narrative frustrated that the author felt so blindsided by her predicament. However, that is with the benefit of the hindsight she provided in such careful detail. In the end Moua pulled it all together with painstaking context and gave a rare viewpoint of people sandwiched between immigration generations - not quite second generation but arriving too young to really feel first generation.
June 16, 2017
nonfiction/memoir (Hmong-American culture)
May 1, 2018
It was good. Told a lot about the culture. It could have been better. I would have like to have seen pictures, or learned more about her mother's story.
January 21, 2019
Interesting perspective as a second-generation US immigrant.
December 23, 2020
Interesting to learn some of the customs of this culture. However, too much repetition. Our book club felt about 100 pages could have been cut and still get the story.
December 6, 2021
A sweet, thoughtful, and educational book. Very cool to read a local authors perspective on growing up and forming a new cultural identity that splits new with old family tradition
April 24, 2023
It is amazing what we may not know about important parts of our culture unless it is not shared by the elders. Or is it shared, and we are not listening?
May 26, 2025
3.5/5 - it was really engaging to learn about a different culture from one perspective
December 30, 2021
This book is frustrating to read. The writing is a bit scattered with many repeated stories, giving it a more internal-monologue type feel to it, which can be tough to follow at points.
The main issue is the author- I just don't get her. She is against the bride price but doesn't seem to know why. She wants to be connected to her culture, but asks no questions about its rituals, clothing, food, doesn't practice her language, doesn't try to talk to her extended family. When she refuses to participate in a very old tradition she is shocked that this causes her family to cut her off. Given opportunities for a redo, she tries to pawn the decision off on her husband, knowing that she would just blame him if things don't work out how she wants them to.
She doesn't seem to be committed to any particular idea, nor does she even attempt to examine why.
The main issue is the author- I just don't get her. She is against the bride price but doesn't seem to know why. She wants to be connected to her culture, but asks no questions about its rituals, clothing, food, doesn't practice her language, doesn't try to talk to her extended family. When she refuses to participate in a very old tradition she is shocked that this causes her family to cut her off. Given opportunities for a redo, she tries to pawn the decision off on her husband, knowing that she would just blame him if things don't work out how she wants them to.
She doesn't seem to be committed to any particular idea, nor does she even attempt to examine why.
December 21, 2024
Hated it! Couldn't even read past the first few pages and I tried TWICE in a span of a few months!!!!
I felt this book was just simply about a little girl who complains to everyone that she doesn't want to be "sold off". She goes to her mom, to her brothers, to everyone and pretty much whines, "I'm not a product, so my husband and I will not be having a Hmong wedding and there's nothing you can do about it." I don't know but it just left a bad taste in my mouth having to read that right off the bat. Did she do her research about Hmong marriages and the culture to come to this conclusion? Or is this a decision she made based off secondhand experience?
I've seriously never had a book annoy me this much. Perhaps I could try reading further, but I just can't do it. There will be NO third attempt for me!
I felt this book was just simply about a little girl who complains to everyone that she doesn't want to be "sold off". She goes to her mom, to her brothers, to everyone and pretty much whines, "I'm not a product, so my husband and I will not be having a Hmong wedding and there's nothing you can do about it." I don't know but it just left a bad taste in my mouth having to read that right off the bat. Did she do her research about Hmong marriages and the culture to come to this conclusion? Or is this a decision she made based off secondhand experience?
I've seriously never had a book annoy me this much. Perhaps I could try reading further, but I just can't do it. There will be NO third attempt for me!
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