I Found My Tribe

by Ruth Fitzmaurice

Ruth’s tribe are her lively children and her filmmaker husband, Simon, who has Motor Neurone Disease and can only communicate with his eyes. Ruth’s other ‘tribe’ are the friends who gather at the cove in Greystones, Co. Wicklow, and regularly throw themselves into the freezing cold water, just for kicks.

‘The Tragic Wives’ Swimming Club’, as they jokingly call themselves, meet to cope with the extreme challenges life puts in their way, not to mention the monster waves rolling over the horizon. Swimming is just one of the daily coping strategies as Ruth fights to preserve the strong but now silent connection with her husband. As she tells the story of their marriage, via diagnosis to their current precarious situation, Ruth also charts her passion for sea swimming – culminating in a midnight swim under the full moon on her wedding anniversary.

An invocation to all of us to love as hard as we can, and live even harder, I Found My Tribe is an urgent and uplifting letter to a husband, family, friends, the natural world and the brightness of life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Audiobook, Book Club, Biography Memoir, Irish Literature

208 pages, Hardcover

First published July 6, 2017

Reviews

[Elyse Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no cure for Motor Neuron Disease. It’s sad .... no matter how you look at it.
Living with illness in your home every day can’t be ignored.

Simon Fitzmaurice, living with MND, breathed in time to a machine. Fear surrounded the plugs, pipes, and countless malfunctions that could have ended Simon’s life at any moment. Simon was a filmmaker at the time he was diagnosed with MND in 2008.
Ruth, Simon’s wife, 32 years of age, didn’t want Simon to feel afraid. She loved him.

Ruth said:
“Everything about our Home buzzes around my brain like fruit flies that I can’t swat away.”
“Our house has a hum of a stinky compost bin, making it impossible to breathe deeply. I feel just as rotten. I need something, anything to take this buzzing out of my head and distract me from a cracked chest and broken heart”.

Ruth, Simon, and their 3 children were living in Ireland - by the sea- when Ruth knew she needed to visit their good friends, Daragh, and Cath, in Australia. SHE JUST NEEDED GREAT LOVING SUPPORT!
Ruth packed the entire family — boarded a plane and headed to Perth.
Ruth was “determined” to get Simon well in Perth. I soooo wished she had the power to do so.
Somewhere between this SIX MONTH vacation- which got extended from the six weeks as originally planned...Ruth and Simon wanted another baby. Ruth said the logistics - well the mechanics- of their sex was challenging -
but they were clear about wanting to add another baby to their family unit.
Honestly.....( but it was just my judgement)....I didn’t understand why they would ‘try’ for another child. They already had 3 small children - a dog - a cat - and Simon had a very debilitating illness....one that not only would he never get better from - but one that required its own type of full time tribe -24 hours a day - nurses coming and going to help care for essentially all his physical needs.
Ruth ‘did’ get pregnant. She delivered TWINS. Making their clan of children a total of 5.
But before returning to Ireland - before the birth of the twins ......one of the happiest times express in this memoir were those six months with very close friends - Daragh and Cath in Perth, Australia.

Daragh and Cath designed a system of fun for the families: swimming pool activities picnics at the beach, etc.
Daragh was terrific with Ruth’s three boys. A little girl ( one of the twins) was born later..... 5 boys and 1 girl.
But in Perth, Daragh would get physical with man-boy play and wrestle them with bear hugs. Lots of naked dancing through the sprinklers - ( the boys were still little).... tons of wholesome child’s play. Daragh could play with the boys — giving them things Simon couldn’t. Daragh was a fabulous friend to Simon too. He carried him into the pool water - took him out at night for ‘guy’ beer time ... etc.
Cath was a creative soul who cooked, planted, loved to knit, sew, and quilt.
Cath and Daragh could not have been better hosts if they tried.
That six week vacation which extended to six months touched my heart deeply. Rarely do you meet friends like Cath and Daragh. Everyone seemed calmer - peaceful - enjoying the beach - pool - meals - and the company of each other. Theses two families together were a success functional tribe in their own way.

Ruth - and the children - seemed most happy - most alive when they were staying with Cath and Daragh....
however - it was time to return home to Ireland. I, too, missed Cath and Daragh.

The twins were born soon after returning to Ireland. Home life seemed more and More chaotic. “Where did all these kids come from”, Ruth asked....
I laughed: Ha! She had something to do with those 5 children in her home.

I have two daughters- ages 32 and 36. Neither have children. I tried to imagine one of them having 5 kids. I couldn’t imagine it in my wildest dreams. But, Ruth is a rare species. She will always say YES to one more pet if one of her children asks for another.
She dances with chaos in her house with courage. - NOT THAT IT IS EASY- but she skillfully lives with chaos....in ways that the average person couldn’t do. She’s one brave woman.
SWIMMING in the ocean with her friends ( who have also suffered tragedies) - is a way of nurturing herself....and staying sane.

In Ruth’s memoir - we get an experience of her early days of marriage to Simon before MND. They loved to touch, dance, enjoy food together, etc.
We also get an experience of her present days.
Ruth had a tree for example —- that she loved to just go sit under and daydream. Her kids knew to leave her alone during her ‘tree time’....as mommy was daydreaming.
We get to know Ruth’s close women friends in Ireland who she swims with. Aifric, Michelle, Marian... etc. Highlights are shared too- holidays - birthdays - side stories about Ruth’s friends - and experiences of each child.

Ruth and her swimming friends who swim daily in the sea at “The Ladies Cove” in Greystones - (her swimming/running/friendship tribe), took a full moon naked swim one night. They cuddled together like a pack of wolves.
Ruth says...she felt an urge “to howl”. Sharing a swim - and the full moon view with
the “Tragic Wives” felt mighty untragic.

On the night of their full moon naked swim ( chilly water)....Ruth says:
“One-on-one friendship is wonderful but tonight we weave as a group. It is a night full of real joy and laughter. I feel more content than I can remember in a long time, or else it’s the whiskey that has gone straight to my head”.

Ruth’s writing is honest — letting us see her struggles - the incredible hardships - her emotions and thoughts - her joys too.
With resiliency ....and humanity, Ruth shared her life with us. I’m humbled.

Thank You Bloomsbury USA, Netgalley, and Ruth Fitzmaurice ( wishing Ruth and her family ongoing love - and support)

[Diane S ☔ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had previously started this book before my most recent health scare and hospitalization. People who have so much more on their plate than they know how to handle, how do they manage day to day. How do they work through all the muddles of life, and Ruth with young children and a husband who is suffering from Motor Neuron Disease, how does she cope? How does he? Always, I am looking for words of wisdom, even if one thing shines out from the dark, it is something to grasp, grab a hold of and work toward.

A very introspective read, as Ruth takes us back and forward, to the present in all its messiness, sometimes hopelessness. Decisions she alone has to make, caretakers, nurses, aides, who invade their house, her relationship with her husband. She finds solace in the sea, swimming, it reaffirms her, helps her find her own tribe, those who love the sea, the wildness, the quietness, it's changing face. She makes the most, or tries to, of such moments, trying to invigorate her soul. She is full of love, full of angst, bitterness,all the many things one expects to feel in her situation. She, though, never stops trying, she has her children, a life of sorts, and it is this always striving but also the honesty in her thoughts, feelings that appealed. I think this is a book that will call! To certain people, maybe like myself when it is needed, a reminder that we are never perfect nor is the life we lead ever promised to be so, yet we can and do continue.

The storytelling reminded me of M Train by Patti Smith, which was a book I loved for the same reasons that I embraced this one. A woman trying manage to the best of her ability, to retain some sense of self against incredible odds.

ARC from Netgalley.

[Cheri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ruth Fitzmaurice is a woman who sees past the definitions others put on her, on all of us. Those who know her might describe her as a loving wife. A mother. She is known as a writer, although this is her debut book. She would describe herself as a mermaid.

It’s magical, that connection she feels with the sea, the cove with her female friends Michelle and Aifric, who share her enthusiasm, joy for this ritual. Michelle can relate to some of her sorrows, with her husband in a wheelchair, as well. Within the sea she finds solace from life and its myriad ways to submerge you in fear, and return you to shore transformed. On these shores, amid the waves, the ”Tragic Wives Swimming Club” was born, with these three friends.

In 2008, when she was 32, Ruth Fitzmaurice’s husband, Simon Fitzmaurice, an author and film-maker with a then rising career, was diagnosed with motor neurone disease, or MND, which encompasses a group of diseases including Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), Progressive Muscular Atrophy (PMA), Progressive Bulbar Palsy (PBP) and Primary Lateral Sclerosis (PLS). Simon was given four years to live, with declining function. They had three small children at this point.

”Illness by its nature is disorderly.”

Two years pass, and he is on a ventilator, choosing to be at home – against the advice of his doctors. Their home in Greystones is filled round the clock with nurses, coming and going so often it’s hard to envision this feeling like “home.”

”Nurses, nurses everywhere. Nurses filling kettles in the kitchen. Nurses scuffling with coffee cups. Rings cups scattered about like a student flat. The bathroom door is locked and there’s a queue. Who’s in there? It’s a nurse…Nurses are in every corner of our tiny home.”

This memoir covers some of her life as a child, traveling back and forth from the life she knew before the MND diagnosis, and after. The lives of their children, their feelings as they grow from the everyday to their feeling about their father’s MND. It reads a bit like these were letters sent to you, with simple prose sharing her day, sharing so much emotionally, sharing her heart. The whole breadth of emotions from when she’s feeling strong enough and powerful enough to tackle another day, fates be damned, to those days when she can’t help but argue with an arrogant, rude driver.

This is an emotional read, but it isn’t solely or even primarily focused on the tragedy of MND. It is at least equally about the restorative magic of friendship, the invigorating, soothing magic of nature, and the need for us to find our own solace, and our own tribe.

”Worriers can become warriors. The moon and the stars come gift-wrapped in darkness. Embrace them all. Run with all your heart and everything will be OK.”


Published: 06 Mar 2018



Many thanks for the ARC provided by Bloomsbury USA

[Esil · Rating 4 out of 5]

Last year, I read Simon Fitzmaurice’s memoir, It's Not Yet Dark, about his struggle with Motor Neuron Disease. At the time I read his book, he was still alive but he could only communicate with his eyes, and used special technology that allowed him to communicate and type his memoir with the use of eye movement. Sadly, Simon Fitzmaurice died in October of 2017.

In a way, I Found My Tribe is a companion to It’s Not Dark Yet. Ruth Fitzmaurice is Simon’s wife and she writes of the same time period from her own perspective. At the time she wrote her memoir, Simon was still alive. I read an ARC that was clearly written before Simon’s death, and don’t know if it will be updated to reflect this sad fact. But, regardless, both books are a beautiful tribute to love, life and dealing with — and not dealing with — the crappiest of circumstances.

Simon and Ruth had five young children — the last two are twins born after Simon was already significantly incapacitated. They live in a small town in Ireland, close to family and good friends. And, thankfully for Ruth, close to the sea where she and a small group of friends find odd solace by jumping in at all times of year. Ruth’s memoir is not linear nor is it particularly fact focused. It’s poetic, honest, gritty, funny and a bit chaotic. Underneath, it’s full of sadness, but these aren’t the emotions she dwells on. Mostly, she dwells on her means of emotional survival — close friends, her deep love for Simon, the ways in which her children take their odd life in stride and always the pull of the sea.

It’s a short beautiful book. It can be read with or without reading Simon’s own memoir. I expect that Ruth has a lot more writing to do. She is very talented and original. And my heart aches for her and her children. But I suspect they have the right tools to find a way to carry on.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an opportunity to read an advance copy.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ruth Fitzmaurice’s husband, a filmmaker named Simon, was diagnosed with motor neurone disease in 2008. Like Stephen Hawking, he is wheelchair-bound and motionless, communicating only through the mechanical voice of an eye gaze computer.

My husband is a wonder to me but he is hard to find. I search for him in our home. He breathes through a pipe in his throat. He feels everything but cannot move a muscle. I lie on his chest counting mechanical breaths. I hold his hand but he doesn’t hold back. His darting eyes are the only windows left. I won’t stop searching.

Between their five children under the age of 10 (including twins conceived after Simon’s diagnosis), an aggressive basset hound, and Simon’s army of nurses coming and going 24 hours a day, this is one chaotic household. The recurring challenge is to find pockets of stillness – daydreaming, staring at trees outside her window – and to learn what things can bring her back from the brink of despair, again and again.

Often these are outdoor experiences: a last hurrah of a six-month holiday in Australia, running, and especially plunging into the Irish Sea with her “Tragic Wives’ Swimming Club” – a group that includes her friend Michelle, whose husband is also in a wheelchair after a motorbike crash, and her favorite of Simon’s nurses, Marian, who has a serious car accident.

Rather than a straight chronological narrative, this is a set of brief thematic essays with titles like “Dancing,” “Fear,” “Twins” and “Holidays.” Fitzmaurice’s story is one you piece together through vivid vignettes from her home life. Her prose is generally composed of short, simple phrases; as with Cathy Rentzenbrink’s The Last Act of Love, you can tell there is deep emotion pulsing under the measured sentences. With such huge questions in play – How much can one person take? What would losing one’s mind look like? – there’s no need for added drama, after all. Instead, the author turns to whimsy, toying with the superhero cliché for caregivers and wondering what magic might be at work in her situation.

I was particularly impressed by how Fitzmaurice holds the past and present in her mind, and by how she uses an outsider’s perspective to imagine herself out of her circumstances. At times she uses the third person for these visions of herself as a younger woman newly in love:

The young wife at her kitchen table knows about deep magic. But I know her future. Life is going to push and pull her like a wave. She doesn’t have a choice and neither do I. Come with me, dear girl, sit at my tablecloth. The journey is upon us and to survive it, you can’t just ride the wave, you have to become one. Can we do this? Let’s go. Becoming a wave just might be the deepest magic of them all.

There are so many poignant moments in this book: memories of their determinedly vegetarian wedding; pulling out all the stops for Simon’s fortieth birthday with customized art installations to brighten his view; leaving the marital bed – now a “hospital contraption” – after six years of MND being a part of their lives; a full moon swim with the Tragic Wives on her and Simon’s anniversary. But all the quiet, everyday stuff has power too, especially her interactions with her precocious children, who are confused about why Dadda is like this.

If I had one tiny complaint, it’s that Simon feels like something of a shadowy figure. In flashbacks we get a real sense of his forceful personality, but this new, silent Simon in the wheelchair is a mystery. Only once or twice does she record words he ‘says’ to her via his computer. Perhaps this is inevitable given how locked into himself he’s become. However, he was still capable of becoming the first person with MND to direct a feature film, on location in County Wicklow (My Name Is Emily). He has told his own story elsewhere; in his wife’s telling, their ventures now seem so separate that they rarely appear as equal partners.

It’s my tenth wedding anniversary tomorrow; as I was reading this I kept thinking that, for as much as I complain (to myself) about how hard marriage is, I’ve had it so easy. The stresses a couple face when caregiving of one partner is involved are immense. Fitzmaurice has found herself part of a tribe she probably never wanted to join: the walking wounded, with pain behind their eyes and worry never far from their minds. But in the midst of it she’s also found the band of family and friends who help her pull through each time. Her lovely book – wry, wise, and realistic – will strike a chord with anyone who has faced illness and family tragedy.

Note: Fitzmaurice got her book deal on the strength of a series of pieces she wrote for the Irish Times. You can read an extract from the book here. Film rights to her story have been sold to Element Pictures; more details are here. A documentary about Simon’s life, based on his memoir, It's Not Yet Dark, has recently been released. For more information see here (this article also showcases multiple family photos).

Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.

[Karen R · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Finding your people is more important than what kind of house you live in. Decide whether you’ve found your tribe and go from there.”

What a beautiful tribute and personal story by Ruth Fitzmaurice. I highlighted many passages of thoughtful and beautiful writing. Her love story with Simon, “the reader, writer, poet, aspiring film-maker, weaver of dreams,” is simply stunning. Ruth shares their hopes and dreams of the past to current day’s tragic circumstances as her deeply loved husband lies in a state of only being able to move his eyes as he succumbs to the devastating Motor Neuron Disease (MND). A cruel twist of fate and my heart hurt for Ruth, Simon and their children.

“MND had turned our big bed into a battleship. Well, if this is war, I thought, then hear me roar. Bring it on you bastard. I want my daydreams and my bed back.”

In addition to being primary caregiver to Simon, Ruth juggles the care of their 5 children, who clearly she cherishes. She appears to be raising caring kids who brighten her day and I hope one day she will write another memoir letting us know how she and her children are doing.

“Bed is the birthplace of dreams and daydreams. Bed was my safe harbor after steering the dark waters of reality all day.”

Thank goodness for the dedicated nurses, “a merry band of the kindest souls mixed with some wonderful freaks,” and her network of devoted friends “The Tragic Wives Swimming Club” who have experienced their own challenges. This book is an inspiration, a love letter, and a wake-up call to live life to its fullest and cherish even the simplest things that may disappear tomorrow. Thanks to the publisher for providing me an early ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Peter Boyle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ruth Fitzmaurice shot to prominence in January 2016 with a remarkable piece for The Irish Times. In it she described life with her husband Simon, a filmmaker, who was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease in 2008. The writing was raw, heartfelt & eloquent, and publishers scrambled to snap her up.

I Found My Tribe is the resulting book. It allows Fitzmaurice to expand on the impact of Simon's condition on her family. The loss is different with MND, she points out. "It's a steady crumble. Limbs get weaker. Function dwindles subtly. It's the reverse of a child growing before your your eyes." With five children under the age of ten and a steady stream of nurses caring for Simon, theirs is a busy household. Fitzmaurice describes how she fell in love with her husband, and the kind of man he was before the illness took hold. She talks about crying in car parks, and explaining to her kids why their Daddy can't move or speak to them. And she tells us about the Tragic Wives' Swimming Club, the loyal posse of friends that like to plunge with her into the freezing Irish Sea .

Fitzmaurice writes fluently about the solace of wild-swimming, the shock of the cold as she "dives into a dancing, breathing ocean." It helps to switch her brain off and forget her worries for a short while. "Icy waves push and pull at bodies so relentlessly, they take your breath away." The women she swims with have also experienced loss and this has become a kind of support group for them. There is a sense of euphoria as they climb from the water: "We are the kings of the world. Bonded by sea, we're laughing and sharing this feeling."

Given my admiration for the Irish Times piece, I expected to love this book, but I'm sorry to say that it just didn't work for me. For one thing, the timeline is jumbled, and this makes it difficult to fully understand the progression of Simon's disease. Fitzmaurice's prose also has a tendency to become affected and overly sentimental, and there were times when this made me cringe. "Lights don't matter much when your dreams are shiny" to give one example. On another page she rushes outside with the kids to gaze at the night sky: "We look up with lunar love to gasp at the stars." Ugh. It might sound harsh but there were a few too many saccharine scenes of family life for my liking.

However, it's impossible to be unimpressed by Ruth Fitzmaurice's bravery. She has been dealt a tough hand but hers is a story of resilience and survival. The Fitzmaurice clan have refused to become defined by a cruel disease, and try their best to enjoy life on their own terms. Though I have reservations about this book, I wish Ruth and her family well.

[Gearóid · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one of the most honest and moving books i have ever read.
I connected with his book in so many way.
Ruth is a very gifted writer and discribes life for her and her family
in a really honest way that was very inspiring and remarkable.

Ruth has really great friends who support her and all share the amazing
experience of swimming in the sea every day which is a big part of the
story and of Ruths coping with so much and raising her little family also.

I came from the same town as Ruth and i also swim in the sea in the same spot
each day so i could really connect with how beneficial the swimming is and how
it is so important to her and her friends.

I highly recommend this book as it truely is inspirational and the writing is
incredible

I will be keeping this book on my shelf of favourites where it will be in really good company.

I hope for many more books to come from this great writer.

[Leila · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is a superb review already here on Goodreads describing this beautifully written book. I read and reread chapters over and over before finally putting it back on my shelves, for I will certainly read it again. I only need to say one word to explain my feelings on reading it..."Heartbreaking"

[*TUDOR^QUEEN* · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a memoir about an Irish married couple with two young kids (and one on the way) who get the devastating news that the husband has MND (Motor Neuron Disease), also known as ALS. This devastating diagnosis portends the degeneration of the muscles, or neurodegeneration.

Two years into this tragic diagnosis, Simon Fitzmaurice was emergently hospitalized for a respiratory issue and was accidentally put on a ventilator. The normal protocol in Ireland is not to employ ventilators in the management of MND. However, Simon emphatically made the decision that he wanted to live, so a home care treatment plan was fashioned and Simon was sent home with the ventilator. Simon eventually lost the use of all movement other than his eyes but was able to still communicate with the use of an eye gaze computer. A film maker by trade, he continued to write and direct while paralyzed with MND.

Ruth and Simon Fitzmaurice live in Greystones, Ireland where their cottage leads to a cove. Ruth finds a spirituality and therapeutic lifeblood in this proximity and use of the cove. She and her "tribe" of friends often meet to swim here, treading the rocks and the cold shock of its waters. Ruth also speaks of driving places merely to cry, living with the new normal of 24-hour nursing and carers who drink her tea (and funnily, sometimes re-arrange her messy clothes closet), and the cacophony of sounds emitted from the air mattress and ventilator. The thing is, Ruth fervently loves her husband, so there are a lot of raw emotions on display here. Ruth even makes the startling decision to have another baby with Simon when he is well into his MND situation and winds up having twins...bringing their brood up to 5 kids. While this may seem a bizarre choice to some, this is a burst of joy and new life to offset the bitter pill of Simon's reality.

While the subject matter was as brutal and poignant as one can get, I was not a fan of Ruth's poetic writing style which at times I couldn't relate to. I also lost solid ground navigating the story when Ruth would volley back and forth unexpectedly with time periods.

Many thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for providing this advance reader copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Laura Leaney · Rating 5 out of 5]

As noted by other reviewers, this book chronicles Ruth Fitzmaurice's mind and heart during the years after her writer-filmmaker husband Simon is diagnosed with motor neuron disease (ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease in America). This is the same incurable disease affecting Stephen Hawking - the one that gradually stops all voluntary muscle function, including breathing. I flat out cannot imagine it. And - yet - Simon Fitzmaurice continues to live and create. It seems to me that credit for the beauty that remains in his days must be given to the wondrous incandescent spirit of his wife Ruth.

The narrative of this book is mostly chronological, but does move in tide-like fashion through Ruth's memories and experiences. We are often in the present moment as she navigates a procession of care-givers and nurses, attempts to get her five children to school, all while exploring the emotional demons and angels that make up love and anger.

Her story is inspiring but also baffling to me. I could not be the woman she is. Despite her crying jags in cars late at night, despite her moments of pure savage anger, and despite the holy-shit-like-mess of a house with intubation noise and screaming/laughing children, her whole ethos is founded on love. She's really something. And, of course, she attracts friends that are similar to herself and they are women who are beautiful and open. I love them. They are not just the support group Fitzmaurice calls the "Tragic Wives Club," but deep spiritual empaths.

The tribe swims daily in the sea at the "Ladies Cove" in Greystones, Co. Wicklow in Ireland and the habit and need to swim becomes the thing that keeps Ruth sane and free. Her love for the ocean and the feelings she describes while swimming are so compelling that I longed to experience this for myself. I've always been somewhat afraid of the ocean - perhaps because I live in California where the water is freezing and the sharks are always biting someone on the shin - but Ruth's gradual love for the cold shock of the water is tempting. This woman is really fearless.

There is a small detail in her life I found truly meaningful. She'd treasured a little decorative plate with a drawing of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet with some powerful lines from the book: "'Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?' said Piglet. 'Supposing it didn't,' said Pooh after careful thought." And so..........I immediately connected this to my shark worry. Suppose I went swimming in the Atlantic and a shark ate me. But suppose it didn't. What a thing.

Here's a woman who has been given a particular kind of life that many people would immediately label as "tragic." Imagine watching the man you love slowly become completely and utterly immobile. In her little book, the reader is privy to her response to this particular life, and I found it exceptionally moving and beautifully written. In the chapter called "Twins," she writes: With each birthday my second son Raife begs me for more pets. Many people just don't get it. Why on earth would you say yes? To me it is perfectly obvious. The grim reaper is lurking in my bathroom where the shampoo bottles don't match. This clinical system is out of synch with our souls. What else would we possible do? This house is our home and our home craves chaos. For some mad reason I will always say yes to more.

Now there's a last line I admire.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

Back in 2008, Ruth Fitzmaurice’s husband Simon was diagnosed with motor neurone disease. His career was just starting to lift and they had three small children so Ruth put her writing ambitions on the back burner to care for him and them. Events took a more dramatic turn when he was given four years to live and then they had had twins. Even though Simon can only communicate using his eyes and technology, he still managed to direct My Name is Emily. Ruth regularly heads to a cove in Greystones, Co. Wicklow with two close friends, Michelle and Aifric to swim in the cold seas. She calls this tribe ‘The Tragic Wives’ Swimming Club’; and gives her a necessary respite from her other tribe of children and carers for Simon.

Even in the most tragic of circumstances, she can see hope, even though she has periods of time where she feels raw and vulnerable. Ruth has a roller coaster of emotions living with Simon and his motor neurone disease. It is tough, but not as tough as the moments when she has to answer the children’s questions as what is happening with Dad, especially when she doesn’t have the answers. The sea swimming becomes those moments when she can be herself and relax with her friends. Her beautiful, sparse prose gets to the very essence of what is happening with the various tribes. It is a moving book too, with several poignant moments. She is one tough lady. 3.5 stars

[Wendy Armstrong · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ruth Fitzmaurice, her late husband and their children went through an unimaginable tragedy. I was prepared to be very moved by this book but I found Fitzmaurice's style of writing insufferable. Sorry.

Whether you can stomach it will depend on your tolerance to paragraphs like this: "My very best friend in the world is a tree. Hello, Tree. She sits outside my window. We share deep thoughts over coffee. 'Shhh! Momma is talking to her tree!' my five ducklings hiss. They creep in and fold themselves around me but know not to interrupt. I have trained my ducklings well."

Ruth Fitzmaurice is clearly enamoured of the effect she and her large, chaotic brood has on less colourful acquaintances: "On Runaway Days we are mayhem. We are lords and rulers of the playground. Don't mess with us. After we visit people they gasp in silent aftershock, once our noisy goodbyes leave."

If you live in Ireland, the relatability of this book might also depend on whether you can engage with this stay-at-home Momma's (her word) recession-proof privilege:
"A property boom had boosted our first family home in Greystones through the stratosphere. We sold it for crazy money. We were giddy with the notion of living mortgage free in a creative wonderland. Brimming with love and promise, we set forth across the land. We would settle for nothing less than pure magic".

When Simon is released from ICU on a ventilator following respiratory failure, with 24-hour nursing care and a terminal prognosis, they decide to conceive a fourth child (with no small mechanical difficulty). “It makes perfect sense to have a baby” she says. Well, Fitzmaurice does have “a thing for babies” and is “a sucker for a cute face”. It turns out to be twins and her fantasy of creative, affluent chaos, a cacophony of children and animals, is realised.
Later she says “I move through our house slightly perplexed. Where did all the babies come from?” You’ll either love this or find it insufferable.

Elsewhere, it's all whimsy and twee homilies. Chapters tend to end thus: "Most things you don't have to find because they are there all along. Throw another wish out there any way you can. Will it make a splash? Just wait and see what you fall into."

She writes incessantly and sentimentally about her children. They are her "five wild urchins". Her son Arden is a "born heartbreaker"; Hunter is Momma’s “little wolf cub”. Her daughter's curly hair is the closest she has come to God.

Her prose can come across as an irritating, dreamy stream of consciousness: "I envy my children the truth when mine is space-bound to the moon in swirly grey shadows. There is no truth, only feelings. Can you see the moon's face? Sometimes I can, but the shapes keep changing."
The effect of her fanciful, magical, meandering style is to emotionally disengage the reader from the real, matter-of-fact tragedy at the heart of this story: her husband's motor neurone disease. I just couldn't get past cringey phrases like “running turns worriers into warriors” or “our Italian honeymoon made pasta ribbons of my heart”.

All the saccharine naffness numbs the effect of the odd truly moving description about the effect of her husband’s MND. At times she cries, collapses to her knees and is devastated, but I felt emotionally removed from these descriptions.

As Fitzmaurice herself says, "My soul is most likely a cheesy Abba song" and that definitely comes through in all the mawkish magical guff and cutesy anecdotes about her kids.

Not for me.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I know I am in the minority about my opinion about this woman's story about caring for her chronically and horribly disabled husband. He was breathing through a tube and communicating by moving his eyelashes. She had three young children. She packs up the kit and kaboodle and goes to stay with friends in Australia where she is in a warm and supportive environment.

Then she makes a decision to have another child. Why? It makes literally no sense. It is unfair to the child and the people who are supporting her. It upset me. The description of the sex required was quite off putting to me. She has twins. More chaos. More strain on everyone else. Who cares? She got what she wanted.

She moves back to Ireland and finds her "tribe", a group of supportive women. This is the part of the book that saved it for me.

I found the writing saccharine and written through a gauzy fog. It's sweetness almost overwhelmed at times and I never could get past the decision to add more children to the mix. It just seemed so thoughtless and selfish to me. This was not my favorite book.

[Kirsty · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed Simon Fitzmaurice's memoir, It's Not Yet Dark, and naturally gravitated toward his wife Ruth's take on events, I Found My Tribe. Whilst it was fascinating to see the same story from the other side, I did not enjoy the reading experience of Ruth's book as much; the style is incredibly fragmented, and she leaps from one thing to something entirely different from one paragraph to the next. Simon's account also feels a lot more human than Ruth's.

I Found My Tribe is coherent in a way, but it was not at all as I was expecting. The opening chapter is undoubtedly beautiful, but the rest of the book did not feel constant or sustained in terms of its prose, and soon lost momentum. Whilst I Found My Tribe is a brave and heartbreaking book about coping - or not - with a loved one's terminal illness, I did not feel as though it was executed as well as it could have been.

[Linda Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

With her husband Simon dying from Motor Neurone Disease, Ruth has to find a way of coping – through her tribe.

I Found My Tribe is an intense, emotional and beautiful memoir that resonates with every single one of us who has experienced any kind of grief. Ruth Fitzmaurice has the astounding ability to convey through her writing what the rest of us can only feel but never articulate effectively. I ended the book with eyes and nose streaming and my chest heaving with sobs as the effect of reading I Found My Tribe was to release so many pent up feelings of grief I have been suppressing over the last couple of years. It was both cathartic and healing and I am incredibly grateful for the experience.

However, I Found My Tribe has so much to offer those who haven’t experienced the same losses in their lives. Firstly, the quality of Ruth Fitzmaurice’s writing is wonderful. At times it is intensely sad, at others funny but always incredibly human and frequently beautifully poetic so that I could place myself alongside the author and experience her life with her. The variety of sentence structure, the use of repetition, the expletives, the first person approach, the rhetorical questions – all the wonderful literary devices Ruth Fitzmaurice employs without them ever feeling contrived – all add up a truly magnificent book.

The passages dedicated to the sea and Ruth’s wild-swimming are fabulous. I felt all manner of emotions from anxiety that The Tragic Wives Swimming Club might be injured, to jealousy that I wasn’t participating with them, to relief and vicarious exultation at the end of each swim. The descriptions of the beach and sea made me want to head straight to the coast. The way I Found My Tribe is structured is very much like the way the sea behaves. Sometimes the writing is calm and reflective, at others it crashes across the page with anger and rage. Each short chapter felt like the tide coming and going to me.

Although there are no ‘characters’ per se because this is a memoir and these are real people, I felt each person was so well depicted that I knew them intimately. Reading I Found My Tribe has given me the utmost respect for Ruth Fitzmaurice. How she managed to cope with five children, various animals and a totally incapacitated husband is beyond comprehension. She is a warrior in her own right and I feel privileged to have read about her and Simon.

I know I haven’t done justice to I Found My Tribe. I read it in one sitting because I simply could not tear myself away. It is a soul-stirring, heart-breaking and poignant book and I defy anyone not to be moved by it.

[The Book Chief · Rating 5 out of 5]

‘Find your tribe,’ she says. Finding your people is more important than what kind of house you live in. Decide whether you’ve found your tribe and go from there.’

Synopsis: Ruth Fitzmaurice lives in Greystones, Co. Wicklow, Ireland with her five children and her husband Simon. Simon has Motor Neurone Disease and can only communicate with his eyes. He need round the clock care and an army of nurses to help him get through each day. I Found My Tribe is an account of Ruth and Simon’s journey.

Ruth and her friends jokingly form a Tragic Wives’ Swimming Club whereby the meet regularly to plunge into the chilly waters of the Irish Sea all year round. Swimming is just one of Ruth’s coping strategies as she fights to preserve the strong but now silent connection with her husband. She also must navigate motherhood and deal with all the other challenges of life. Ruth shares openly and honestly with us throughout this inspiring book.

***

'We will do these things because pain never stops. One man’s defiance at the marina can change a moment. But a moment won’t save you. We all need saving again and again.'

I spotted this book last week while browsing through a bookstore and in that short space of time it has positively exploded everywhere. It’s all I want to talk about, I can’t stop thinking about it, I’ve bought extra copies to give to people and I am delighted to hear from several bookshops that it is flying off the shelves.

If you want to find out the true meaning of words such as love, devotion, friendship and family read this. If you want to understand the term soul-mates, read this. Yes, there is much raw emotion obviously including fear, anger and sadness. But there is also plenty of unbridled joy, pride and strength evident here too.

This book highlights the realities of life in a manner that I have never witnessed before. The emotions and events appears in their purest forms and transcend the pages. Leave your sense of pity at the door when you open this book because it is not about that. This is an inspiring read that illustrates the constant struggle that we all face daily. Ruth Fitzmaurice’s journey is just one story out of billions but what makes it different is that she tells it in a courageous and honest manner.

There are plenty of laugh out loud moments and heartbreak as Ruth describes the many personalities that she has encountered within her life. She seems to have the spectacular ability to look into someones soul and encapsulate all that they are in words. This for me was the main strength of the book.

Undoubtedly when I sit down at the end of the year, I Found My Tribe will be regarded as one of my books of the year. I won’t be on my own though as I have a feeling that this book will make many more books of the year lists.

'I don’t believe we are just numbing ourselves in this sea. I look at my friends coping and surviving. Like the rolling of waves, the thrill of the dive, the rush of cold, they choose to stay unchained. This is a free as we can possibly be.’

Afterthoughts
*I really enjoyed the audiobook for I Found My Tribe as it was read by the author and it took only five hours to finish. The author’s voice adds real personality and heart to book’s characters and event, particularly those involving her children!
**If you liked Paul Kalanithi’s When Breath Becomes Air, this book will resonate with you also. While Kalanithi discussed his own illness, I Found My Tribe gives the perspective of the loved one.
***"An invocation to all of us to love as hard as we can, and live even harder, I Found My Tribe is an urgent and uplifting letter to a husband, family, friends, the natural world and the brightness of life."

[Keep Calm Novel On · Rating 5 out of 5]

The publisher provided a copy of the ePub in exchange for an honest review.

Ruth Fitzmaurice’s brilliantly written memoir I Found My Tribe draws the reader into her world immediately. She writes with such honesty and integrity.

Her tribe—husband, children and devoted friends. Her husband’s many health challenges do not stop her from living and loving. As the primary caregiver, she faces life-changing challenges with the support of her tribe. An outstanding book on how to survive with life’s obstacles. Ruth Fitzmaurice is a positive force and is unstoppable. I Found My Tribe would translate beautifully to the big screen. A must read.

[Marie Floyd · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fabulous read.

This is a brave, big hearted and inspirational read. Everyone should read it. Well done Ruth Fitzmaurice. I wish I could fly, sorry I mean swim.

[Jane Meagher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ruth Fitzmaurice you are a superhero and your heart breaking story is eloquent and brave, my top read of the year.

[Amanda Brookfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Writing about misery is a tricky business. Fiction or memoirs, if you are not careful your reader becomes too depressed to turn the page. The blurb on Ruth Fitzmaurice's 'I Found My Tribe' made me wonder whether I could possibly bear to start reading. It outlines how her gorgeous young husband, Simon, father to their FIVE young children, has reached the 'locked in' stage of Motor Neuron Disease, demanding round-the-clock care and leaving her to manage everything, including grief at losing him, with no solution in sight. Out of her desperation she discovers a love of swimming in arctic seas as a form of escape.

I need not have worried. 'I Found My Tribe' is harrowing. Ruth and Simon set out as the eponymous love-stricken, attractive, successful couple. He makes films and she writes. They produce three children in the early happy years of marriage and seem to romp through life with the sort of effortlessly glamorous ease that most of us envy. When Simon's foot goes 'floppy' they think it will pass. And when it turns out to be MND they throw every ounce of their energy and optimism at how they will defy it. But the disease will not be defied. It does it's thing, bit by bit, narrowing their once free and vibrant existence into one that most of us would find hard to imagine, let alone cope with.

So far so grim. It is a tale of The Worst happening, out of the blue, and I would be lying if I did not say that part of the compulsion to keep reading stems from a sense of one's own, comparable, good fortune. Just like when a newspaper story describes some atrocity and you think, well, I may have problems, but at least they are not those. More importantly however, Ruth Fitzmaurice writes about her life with irresistible fluency and appeal. She chops backwards and forwards between the earlier 'good' times and the current problems in a way that sweeps you along. Her sentences are short, unsentimental, as well as powerfully evocative. They ring with truth. There is no self-pity, not even when she is describing the most indescribable things, like admitting defeat, finally, on no longer sharing her husband's bed, because of the barrier (and noise) of the machines keeping him alive. She manages sometimes to be funny, as well as sad. She loves her husband still. They even produce two more children (twins) when he is in the thick of his illness and all five offspring adore their paralysed father. They are a family being torn apart in one way yet remaining deeply connected in another.

The focus of the book in terms of Ruth Fitzmaurice's private story, how she keeps her head above water (literally) in such gruelling circumstances, is her discovery of a love of wild swimming. In all seasons and all weathers she plunges into the sea, off the coast near her house in Co. Wicklow, along with a group of other stalwart women, all of whom have been or are in the midst of terrible ordeals themselves. They do not plan to become a group in this way, it just happens, organically. 'The Tragic Wives Swimming Club', they jokingly call themselves, but what they achieve through mutual support and enormous physical courage is not to be laughed at, only admired. I am not remotely 'aquatic' myself. Just reading the passages about the swimming filled me with a sort of repulsion - I could think of few things I would hate more than diving into the waves of a freezing sea. But Fitzmaurice made me understand completely how this madness helps her and her friends; how it takes their bodies to limits of survival, leaving them stronger, more empowered to manage the daily travails awaiting them.

My main impression of 'I Found My Tribe' was of the great fighting spirit of its author. She sees the awfulness of her situation and is not afraid to describe it. There may be bravery in throwing oneself into the Irish sea, day after day, but it was the bravery of the book itself - the act of writing it, of fearlessly staring at her demons - that moved me most.

[Miriam · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars really. I really enjoyed listening to the audiobook in Ruth's own voice but I actually think I would have preferred to read it on paper because it's the type of book to be savoured. The language is incredibly descriptive & almost poetic. Its a beautiful memoir full of life & emotion, suffering and hope, struggle and peace. I loved the description of the chaos of their home contrasted with the peace of the seaside and the restorative power of swimming in the freezing water.

[Ruth Brookes · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honest, raw debut, wild, raging and filled with pain. Yet through it all, this passionate, daydreaming, ex-superhero mama has found a way to cope by diving into the freezing ocean, screaming into the wind & embracing the chaos of life to find a kind of freedom. A beautiful, hopeful read.

[Margaret Madden · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars
Review to follow...

[Orla O'kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartwarming truthful book that manages to stay lighthearted even though dealing with a heartbreaking situation

[Belle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is brave in its honesty and truthfulness of how sucky it is to watch your husband die a slow, lingering death. Suckier even yet when you factor in that there are 5 young children intensely watching how you do it.

"Simon's MND [ALS] has made me wildly inappropriate. I have no social filter. I don't remember the rules. I worry about wearing this pain in company. How much is too much? Simple questions like 'How are things?' become impossible. Thank God for old friends....New friends are tricky. Maybe I don't need them?"

"My ears are at peace but my head is too busy for sleep. I did my very best, but a deep bond has been broken. Simon sleeps alone with a baby monitor and a nurse listening in. He has 20-minute checks. I love him. But now I just look at him from far away....our marital bed is gone."

"I have thoughts about murdering my husband. I get these lustful feelings, murderous in the most mysterious way. I don't think a mother could ever feel like this. I think only a wife could. I used to consume Agatha Christie books as a child. Wives would kill their husbands casually with poison and pointed lack of passion.... it was all quite clinical."

"How long? How much longer must he suffer? I plead to the skies and then scold myself with the real answer. Surrender yourself to the waves, feel the drag, know in every moment that control is a mere illusion."

[Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

heartfelt memoir of the author's husband illness with hints of humour in there too

[Calum Mackenzie · Rating 1 out of 5]

What a load of absolute drivel....don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that this is a story of a woman coping pretty well in a difficult situation which I applaud but here are some reasons it’s a terrible book that either uses over the top language, insensitive daft statements or is just poor penmanship:

-use of ‘nice’ twice in the 1st chapter> eeeugh! Pet hate.
-repeated use of ‘superhero’ to describe herself
- phrases like ‘asshole’ and ‘badass’ > book is Irish btw
- ‘it’s just a hug for your eyes...’ on talking to her kid about
Being scared of the dark
- if Simon loses his eyebrows...I will die.’ Simon, who’s
Actually dying with MND!!!
- ‘Skinny dipping is the ultimate caress from nature.’
- shine like diamonds’> as original as ‘warm as the sun’
- ‘cartoon colours’....over used
- meals are a shared symphony’ > what???!
- ‘it was an existential tree moment...’ 😳
- ‘devoted to lentils....’
- ‘Like many people, Galen and Michelle took a gap year
In Australia with their kids...’ > she wasn’t even being
Ironic here!!!!
- talking about the urge to kill her husband as normal >
Then excuses it with the urge to end his suffering. (A man
Who’s managing to write and direct despite his MND)
- the assertion that ALL breakups happen because we want
To be younger > what???? Drivel dressed as wisdom.

There was one genuinely funny moment and a touching birthday present organised for her husband’s 40th but this book really grated on me. She laughs off her kids being so noisy that friends are glad to have silence when they’ve left?!!!! She also talks about how she’d want to die if she had her husbands poor view from his bed> insensitive doesn’t seem adequate to describe that comment.

Apparently this was a newspaper column but even then I can’t see that would have elevated this or made it seem more skilled.

There are so many better books out there of a similar ilk: ‘I am, I am, I am’, ‘Wild’ and ‘The salt path’ to name a few.

I think it’s patronising to label this poor writing as 4 or 5 out of 5. It might be inspiring if it clicks with you but the skill and craft is lacking where there were so many opportunities to build tension, describe places vividly or with some more care and attention, to use original imagery to sensitively describe this heartbreaking situation.

Definitely don’t recommend.

[Aishling Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing how you survive the toughest things ever. Having a family of 5 kids and a husband with MND. To watch a loved one fade away in front of you must be shocking. Yet reading this book and throughout all the heartbreak and chaos Ruth still kept going and seem to hold on to memories that helped her survive. A wonderful book. Well worth reading.

[Frosty61 · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author has a very poetic way of writing and it feels like you're inside her head as she tries to cope with the extreme challenge of dealing with her husband's ALS, the tragedy of losing so much, and the loneliness she suffers. I loved the message of 'finding your tribe' in order to put down roots with your loving family. I enjoyed the anecdotes about her children, her friends, the early days with her husband before ALS. I could relate to the therapeutic pull of the sea as she braves the frigid waters to swim in order to maintain some sanity. However, the flowery passages seemed to weigh the story down and the technique of jumping back and forth in time made it confusing. I wanted to hear more about her interactions with her husband, to hear his 'voice' a little bit more - not just her stream of consciousness as events unfolded.