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Mothering Mother: A Daughter's Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
Compelling and heartrending, this personal memoir chronicles the author's decision not to put her mother, who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, in "one of those homes" and relays the far-reaching consequences this choice has on her entire family. Detailing the challenges of reversing roles and learning to mother one's own mother, this refreshing and entertaining autobiography will help those struggling with their own decisions on elder care in the home. It touches on the importance of relationships—such as how they impact our souls and beliefs about ourselves and the quality of life—and explores the larger questions of faith, hope, and ultimately death.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published April 1, 2007
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
October 16, 2007
As our parents age, we age too and those behind us age, each level creating new lasting conflicts between us all. What is amazing is that the love we have for each other somehow survives those conflicts. That isn't to say that they don't leave scars. They do indeed.
It's the caring that is so difficult. Those who need the care resent the fact that they do need the care while those who don't need the care resent those who do. In the middle is where the scarring occurs the most. The care giver is often seen as the barrier between the two elements.
That is all a simplification of what Carol O'Dell is saying in her book mothering Mother. She has pealed away the cliches you hear every day about when or if you should turn to nursing homes, counseling and so forth. in sum, she admits there are no easy answers and that it takes a long time to realize what you thought was a scar on your psyche, was really a warm memory of another human being who happened to be your mother.
It's the caring that is so difficult. Those who need the care resent the fact that they do need the care while those who don't need the care resent those who do. In the middle is where the scarring occurs the most. The care giver is often seen as the barrier between the two elements.
That is all a simplification of what Carol O'Dell is saying in her book mothering Mother. She has pealed away the cliches you hear every day about when or if you should turn to nursing homes, counseling and so forth. in sum, she admits there are no easy answers and that it takes a long time to realize what you thought was a scar on your psyche, was really a warm memory of another human being who happened to be your mother.
November 23, 2010
This is a must read for anyone who has been a loved ones primary caregiver or is thinking about caring for a loved one. Actually, I think everyone should read it to understand what so many people are going through these days, whether it be caring for ailing parents, siblings or sick children!
August 21, 2015
Each experience with Alzheimer's (or other dementia) is individual and unique, but there are many connecting points for anyone who cares for the elderly. Both of my parents are now gone, but I had a little trouble relating to this book because my experience was so different. O'Dell's mother adopted her when she was a child. Her mother was a preacher who occasionally slapped her around. O'Dell was rebellious as a teen. When O'Dell's husband was transferred out of state and there was no one to care for her mother who already had Parkinson's, they took her along, building a MIL apartment on their new house. O'Dell had to do all the work of caring for her mother as she became more enfeebled. This is so far from what was my situation.
O'Dell's desire to be a good daughter at the expense of her own happiness and the comfort of her own husband and children makes my martyr-complex look subatomic. (I go around telling people how lucky I had it and I was lucky. I had a devoted husband who did all the work for me and my parents had enough money so that they could afford some in-home help until their medical conditions called for Medicare to take over for a brief period. Sure, I was miserable and had to resort to prescription happy pills because it's just so goddam sad to see your parents not recognize you anymore. But Mom's dementia lasted almost exactly one year and Dad was able to live on his own with minimal help until the last year.) One starts to wonder if she protests too much. Or perhaps she tried to make up for her rebellious phase.
The writing is not stellar, but this is a real person talking about real things that happened, not some manipulative poet trying to wring the last tear out of you. I recall one instance of "Block that metaphor!" as the New Yorker will have it. There is an extended period after her mother dies that I feel drags on. This is probably because the much-anticipated event (and I'm speaking from personal experience here, my dad was 101 when he died) is still a shock when it happens and you don't really get around to mourning until months later. Then the things that set you off are the oblique ones you didn't see coming and hadn't built up any defenses for. Still, you've gotcher Climax and then your Denouement and the latter is supposed to be either shorter than the one in this book or more piquant.
As a side-note, the jacket blurb said that O'Dell taught creative writing and was published in some Chicken Soup compilation about sisters. I know she has 3 daughters, but I thought that was a nice juxtaposition considering she grew up as an adopted "only child." Ha,ha, I said to myself, creative writing and only child writing about sisters. Ha. [As an even side-r note, I consider the perpetrators of the Chicken Soup books to be utterly depraved, devoid of any conscience or taste. Not the writers, who are only literary whores, but the pimps and shills that foist them on the public. Just my opinion! La la la!:]
O'Dell's desire to be a good daughter at the expense of her own happiness and the comfort of her own husband and children makes my martyr-complex look subatomic. (I go around telling people how lucky I had it and I was lucky. I had a devoted husband who did all the work for me and my parents had enough money so that they could afford some in-home help until their medical conditions called for Medicare to take over for a brief period. Sure, I was miserable and had to resort to prescription happy pills because it's just so goddam sad to see your parents not recognize you anymore. But Mom's dementia lasted almost exactly one year and Dad was able to live on his own with minimal help until the last year.) One starts to wonder if she protests too much. Or perhaps she tried to make up for her rebellious phase.
The writing is not stellar, but this is a real person talking about real things that happened, not some manipulative poet trying to wring the last tear out of you. I recall one instance of "Block that metaphor!" as the New Yorker will have it. There is an extended period after her mother dies that I feel drags on. This is probably because the much-anticipated event (and I'm speaking from personal experience here, my dad was 101 when he died) is still a shock when it happens and you don't really get around to mourning until months later. Then the things that set you off are the oblique ones you didn't see coming and hadn't built up any defenses for. Still, you've gotcher Climax and then your Denouement and the latter is supposed to be either shorter than the one in this book or more piquant.
As a side-note, the jacket blurb said that O'Dell taught creative writing and was published in some Chicken Soup compilation about sisters. I know she has 3 daughters, but I thought that was a nice juxtaposition considering she grew up as an adopted "only child." Ha,ha, I said to myself, creative writing and only child writing about sisters. Ha. [As an even side-r note, I consider the perpetrators of the Chicken Soup books to be utterly depraved, devoid of any conscience or taste. Not the writers, who are only literary whores, but the pimps and shills that foist them on the public. Just my opinion! La la la!:]
October 9, 2007
A Wonderful, Heartfelt Memoir
Carol O’Dell, author of her debut memoir Mothering Mother, will make you laugh and cry. Her heartfelt chronicle about caring for her dying mother is an emotional tribute to self-sacrifice and a daughter’s unfailing love―an adopted daughter’s love, to be more precise.
Carol’s mother adopted her late in life and raised her in a strict, religious environment. But it perhaps is their faith that kept them all together until the end. Although she has her faults and may seem somewhat cool at times, Mama did the best she could, and I think that is the realization that the author has come to. And certainly, it is what we all should hope to conclude at the end of our parents’ lives.
The author shows us her own strength and her weaknesses, baring her thoughts, her emotions, her decisions and her very soul in a way that takes more courage than many of us would have. A loving daughter with a mother who suffers from Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, she takes her mother into her home, working around a husband and kids, and fighting the inevitable. Faced with the deteriorating health of a stubborn mother, Carol is faced with countless tasks in any given day or night, tasks that threaten to destroy her physically, mentally and spiritually. Many of the anecdotes are charming and hilarious, while others are heartbreakingly sad.
I recently bought a copy for my own mother―for Mother’s Day―even though my mom is healthy, still working and independent. And while this may seem a strange gift, I felt that Carol O’Dell’s book shows a glimmer of light at the end of what most people view as a dark tunnel. She shows that sometimes being prepared is half the battle. Perhaps then, many of us would not feel as though too many things were left undone, unsaid…unforgiven.
Mothering Mother is a beautiful story, a true story, of how love can conquer even death. I’ve never laughed and cried at the same time so much. It made me want to call my mom and tell her how much I love her. It made me talk to my daughter and tell her that if she ever had to care for me and felt that I was too much of a burden, that it was okay to look for alternate care.
I’ll be honest; I normally don’t read a lot of memoirs. I often find them hard to relate to. But I LOVED Mothering Mother! It is the type of book that everyone should read. It will stay with you long after you have put it down. And for those caring for aging or dying parents, it will give you hope and remind you that you are not alone―someone else has traveled this path…and she survived. So can you.
Reminiscent of Joan Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking and Mitch Albom’s Tuesday’s with Morrie.
~ Cheryl Kaye Tardif, bestselling author of Whale Song and Divine Intervention
http://www.cherylktardif.com
Carol O’Dell, author of her debut memoir Mothering Mother, will make you laugh and cry. Her heartfelt chronicle about caring for her dying mother is an emotional tribute to self-sacrifice and a daughter’s unfailing love―an adopted daughter’s love, to be more precise.
Carol’s mother adopted her late in life and raised her in a strict, religious environment. But it perhaps is their faith that kept them all together until the end. Although she has her faults and may seem somewhat cool at times, Mama did the best she could, and I think that is the realization that the author has come to. And certainly, it is what we all should hope to conclude at the end of our parents’ lives.
The author shows us her own strength and her weaknesses, baring her thoughts, her emotions, her decisions and her very soul in a way that takes more courage than many of us would have. A loving daughter with a mother who suffers from Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, she takes her mother into her home, working around a husband and kids, and fighting the inevitable. Faced with the deteriorating health of a stubborn mother, Carol is faced with countless tasks in any given day or night, tasks that threaten to destroy her physically, mentally and spiritually. Many of the anecdotes are charming and hilarious, while others are heartbreakingly sad.
I recently bought a copy for my own mother―for Mother’s Day―even though my mom is healthy, still working and independent. And while this may seem a strange gift, I felt that Carol O’Dell’s book shows a glimmer of light at the end of what most people view as a dark tunnel. She shows that sometimes being prepared is half the battle. Perhaps then, many of us would not feel as though too many things were left undone, unsaid…unforgiven.
Mothering Mother is a beautiful story, a true story, of how love can conquer even death. I’ve never laughed and cried at the same time so much. It made me want to call my mom and tell her how much I love her. It made me talk to my daughter and tell her that if she ever had to care for me and felt that I was too much of a burden, that it was okay to look for alternate care.
I’ll be honest; I normally don’t read a lot of memoirs. I often find them hard to relate to. But I LOVED Mothering Mother! It is the type of book that everyone should read. It will stay with you long after you have put it down. And for those caring for aging or dying parents, it will give you hope and remind you that you are not alone―someone else has traveled this path…and she survived. So can you.
Reminiscent of Joan Didion’s Year of Magical Thinking and Mitch Albom’s Tuesday’s with Morrie.
~ Cheryl Kaye Tardif, bestselling author of Whale Song and Divine Intervention
http://www.cherylktardif.com
September 2, 2008
Caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s must be devastating. The disintegration of personality, the abusiveness, and the confusion. It calls into question the whole notion of sanity. When Carol O’Dell’s mother adopted her, she insisted that Carol would be taking care of mom when she got old. As the Alzheimer’s set in, so did the promise. As mom becomes more abusive, this commitment feels almost overwhelming.
As the disease advanced, O’Dell became more immersed in her mother’s daily care, but with less and less emotional reward from a mother who no longer recognized her. And what about O’Dell’s husband and kids who also wanted her attention? It is strange going from the craziness of caregiving for mom to the normal concerns of kids and husband.
While most of us who are not in the situation would probably rather not think about it, this strange stew is part of the human condition. One of the reasons I read memoirs is to put myself in another person’s shoes, and experience what their world is like, and Carol O’Dell’s book has given me that, an intimate look at this most disturbing experience.
In addition, she has offered me a sort of hope, in a surprising direction. Carol O’Dell faced the painful situations, she used writing, both to eloquently communicate to the reader and also to contain and absorb some of her own experiences. She talks in the book about walking out to the river to center herself after an especially painful bout. I also can feel her retreating to her room and writing in her journal.
I believe the act of writing is the opposite of Alzheimer’s. It doesn’t cure the disease, certainly, but it helps establish or re-establish the sanity and purpose of life, so that we can stay alive, energetic, and hopeful despite such horrific and confusing setbacks. Writing about inhumane situations creates a sort of humanity of its own.
As the disease advanced, O’Dell became more immersed in her mother’s daily care, but with less and less emotional reward from a mother who no longer recognized her. And what about O’Dell’s husband and kids who also wanted her attention? It is strange going from the craziness of caregiving for mom to the normal concerns of kids and husband.
While most of us who are not in the situation would probably rather not think about it, this strange stew is part of the human condition. One of the reasons I read memoirs is to put myself in another person’s shoes, and experience what their world is like, and Carol O’Dell’s book has given me that, an intimate look at this most disturbing experience.
In addition, she has offered me a sort of hope, in a surprising direction. Carol O’Dell faced the painful situations, she used writing, both to eloquently communicate to the reader and also to contain and absorb some of her own experiences. She talks in the book about walking out to the river to center herself after an especially painful bout. I also can feel her retreating to her room and writing in her journal.
I believe the act of writing is the opposite of Alzheimer’s. It doesn’t cure the disease, certainly, but it helps establish or re-establish the sanity and purpose of life, so that we can stay alive, energetic, and hopeful despite such horrific and confusing setbacks. Writing about inhumane situations creates a sort of humanity of its own.
July 27, 2015
I can understand why this book got 4 & 5 stars. Caregivers can really relate to the author's story. But reading this from a professional standpoint, I had a hard time finishing the book. It's obvious from the beginning that Mother has more going on than Parkinson's. Maybe she's experiencing dementia or has a mental illness. But as the story is written, it's as if Parkinson's is the sole reason for her strange behavior. Alzheimer's isnt brought up until much later in the book. Also, the writing is very disjointed and confusing and I was frustrated the entire time I read it.
October 7, 2012
I started reading this as part of my research. I began with a clinical, detached approach, but half way in I found myself drawn into deep into the emotion of this woman's journey as she not cares for her terminally ill mother, but comes to term with a life time of conflicts and confusion she has felt for her adoptive mother.
It is a powerful and moving story. One, I read for research, related to as a nurse and personally, could see a similar fate in my future.
It is a powerful and moving story. One, I read for research, related to as a nurse and personally, could see a similar fate in my future.
February 2, 2014
This is a heartwrenching book but one that should be read if you have had to care for your aging parent. It helps you cope and puts into words all the emotions that go along with it. This woman writes honestly.
September 8, 2007
Splendidly written story of the creation of a family and it's natural, poignant ending.
Lynn Hoffman, author of bang BANG
Lynn Hoffman, author of bang BANG
September 21, 2007
Full of heart--I shared this one with my daughter-in-law.
October 11, 2008
Back in the 80's, I used several years of my life caring for my mother in her final illness. I've recovered, because this book made me laugh and remember and cry, and it touched my heart.
January 17, 2016
Intense, real, sad, and written with such blunt force...I am going to buy this book for an Aunt who is the primary caregiver for my ailing grandmother. A horribly lovely story.
March 30, 2016
Gripped my heart, moved me to tears and made me laugh at times. I ached for Carol and her struggles and yet cheered her on. Great story and informative should I find myself in her shoes someday.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews