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The Baby Decision: How to Make The Most Important Choice of Your Life
FROM CONFUSION TO CONFIDENCE IN FIVE STEPS
SECOND EDITION COMPLETELY REVISED AND UPDATED
The Baby Decision is a clear, compassionate guide to making a parenting or childfree decision with confidence. Many women of childbearing age and their partners find it hard to make this life-changing decision. Without a crystal ball, what can you do? Some women say "I like the idea of motherhood, but how do I know I'd really enjoy it? What will happen to my job, my relationship, my sanity?" Or they say, "I'm leaning toward being childfree, but will I be sorry later?"
Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW has been helping people make this decision for over thirty years in her therapy and coaching practice and in her Baby Decision Workshops. With a depth that only a psychotherapist can provide, she shows you strategies for dealing with doubt and ambivalence and uncovering your deepest self-knowledge. Through anecdotes, exercises, guidelines, and checklists, she leads you to your best possible choice.
Imagine the relief of finally cutting through the tangled vines of pros and cons and seeing a clear decision emerge. Merle helps you not only to make a decision but to use it as an opportunity for you and your relationship to grow.
You will learn how to:
- Use dozens of "Secret Doors" exercises to uncover hidden feelings and wisdom.
- Separate your own needs and preferences from societal myths and expectations.
- Give full consideration to the rewards and opportunities of living childfree.
- Talk constructively with your partner even if you disagree.
- Manage work-life balance and keep your relationship strong.
- Make decisions about one-child families, single and gay parenting, fertility and adoption.
- Borrow some of the benefits of the other choice.
You will also learn how to trust your decision and make the most of it.
- Includes resources and bibliography.
- Bonus section: Preparing your body for a healthy pregnancy.
Upcoming Events
"The Baby Decision" Parenthood Decision Making Workshops
October 30, 2016 Cambridge Center for Adult Education (ccae.org)
SECOND EDITION COMPLETELY REVISED AND UPDATED
The Baby Decision is a clear, compassionate guide to making a parenting or childfree decision with confidence. Many women of childbearing age and their partners find it hard to make this life-changing decision. Without a crystal ball, what can you do? Some women say "I like the idea of motherhood, but how do I know I'd really enjoy it? What will happen to my job, my relationship, my sanity?" Or they say, "I'm leaning toward being childfree, but will I be sorry later?"
Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW has been helping people make this decision for over thirty years in her therapy and coaching practice and in her Baby Decision Workshops. With a depth that only a psychotherapist can provide, she shows you strategies for dealing with doubt and ambivalence and uncovering your deepest self-knowledge. Through anecdotes, exercises, guidelines, and checklists, she leads you to your best possible choice.
Imagine the relief of finally cutting through the tangled vines of pros and cons and seeing a clear decision emerge. Merle helps you not only to make a decision but to use it as an opportunity for you and your relationship to grow.
You will learn how to:
- Use dozens of "Secret Doors" exercises to uncover hidden feelings and wisdom.
- Separate your own needs and preferences from societal myths and expectations.
- Give full consideration to the rewards and opportunities of living childfree.
- Talk constructively with your partner even if you disagree.
- Manage work-life balance and keep your relationship strong.
- Make decisions about one-child families, single and gay parenting, fertility and adoption.
- Borrow some of the benefits of the other choice.
You will also learn how to trust your decision and make the most of it.
- Includes resources and bibliography.
- Bonus section: Preparing your body for a healthy pregnancy.
Upcoming Events
"The Baby Decision" Parenthood Decision Making Workshops
October 30, 2016 Cambridge Center for Adult Education (ccae.org)
352 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 1981
757 people are currently reading
3825 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 176 reviews
February 9, 2020
Three quarters of the way through reading this book, my husband and I took my eight-year-old niece to Chuck E. Cheese. Amid the chaos, screaming, dirtiness, and overstimulation, we exchanged panic-stricken looks and he gravely declared, “This confirms everything” 😂 I immediately felt I did not need to finish this book after all. But as time went on, we adjusted to this sugary, sticky, shiny foreign landscape and acknowledged we didn’t have to participate in everything. We had fun. This book serves as a terrific resource for the overthinking potential parent, the one who wants to not have regret either way, but the book begins by making you aware that there will be tinges of regret regardless, and you need to make peace with that and mourn the loss of the alternative reality. I sought research to help untangle if resistance and apprehension to parenthood is fear-based (pregnancy and birth disinterest and scare the shit out of me) or rooted in the discomfort of rebuffing our pronatalist culture and a large part of the human experience that I, as a woman, was told I was going to have since birth, essentially. The book contains activities to help you identify your values and the aspects of life that truly bring you joy and fulfillment and whether or not a child would enhance those or eliminate them, but acknowledges that regardless, a child will surely complicate them.
October 22, 2021
This book was a real gamechanger for me. For more than a year, I had been struggling with this decision. Having come to an age where my tactic of 'all I need to know is what I want right now' did not work anymore, panic and anxiety had gradually taken over, to the point where it was suffocating me and my relationship.
When I started reading this book and doing the exercices, I took it very seriously. I would sit down and actually do the exercices, talking out loud, being very open and honest with myself, allowing my true feelings to surface even though that was scary and took some courage. Afterwards, I took notes of every exercice I did and what my findings were. I honestly think it is the only way to get true value out of this book. Only reading it won't have the effect of really showing you the way towards your own correct decision. The book is really a tool that you use in order to access the truth that is hiding inside yourself, covered beneath layers of anxiety, pressure and insecurity.
I really liked that it was hands-on. As soon as I started reading this book and doing the exercices, I felt better already. I felt like I had a support to guide me through this difficult but actually very interesting process. I felt less alone. Now, it was only a matter of grinding my way through this process step by step, guided by the book, and there would be light at the end of it.
I liked that in the beginning of the book, the following was made clear: you can either make a safety decision or a growth decision. A safety decision is one where you don't face your fears and is easier in the short term but is less likely to make you happy in the long term. A growth decision is the opposite: you have to face your fears which is not easy and takes some courage, but you make a conscious decision, acknowledgeing all the pros and cons and going for it, knowing and accepting the sacrifices and compromises you'll have to make and being confident about all the good things this decision will bring you. Examples are given for both, and on either outcome.
This brings me to another thing that I really liked about this book: it is very unbiased towards either outcome. It makes it very clear that this is a personal decision and that the only right decision is the one that is right for you. Bombardieri is a therapist and so has had a lot of clients that she guided through this process. She uses their experiences to give examples of how the exercices helped other people gain valuable insights on their feelings and values. For each example of a pro-parent decision, she gives another of a pro-childfree decision and vice versa. I really liked that. It really shows you that either decision is a valid one, as long as it is yours.
Another huge takeaway for me was the following advice: whatever choice you make, there will be regrets. This is part of decision-making. You cut yourself off from a path that you did not choose. But you have to make the choice that you will regret the least. Once you can understand and accept the loss, you can mourn it and then move forward with your life and all the opportunities that your choice will offer you. If you made the right choice, your regrets will only be mild and occasional.
The good thing about doing one exercice after the other is that it really helps you untangle the mess of indecision, by breaking the dilemma up into smaller aspects to investigate within yourself. Aspects you might have not even thought of, such as what if you could have only the pregnancy and birthgiving part and not the parenthood, would you like that? Or what if you could have the benefits of having children without the burdens of household and organization? It helps you clarify how you feel and what your values are. Going through the exercices, I had a couple of very profound epiphanies that eventually helped me towards making a decision that I am confident and happy with.
A couple of critical points about this book (hence why I didn't give it the full 5 stars):
- it is very US-centred. Of course this makes sense since the author is American, but as a non-American reader it is important to take this into account. Being a parent in the US is a lot harder than in many European countries because the support system is lacking a lot more, which makes it a bigger financial and emotional burden compared to other places in the world. Also, the practical information about fertility treatments and adoption is mostly suited for an American audience.
- I thought it lacked a chapter about egg freezing and about abortion. How can freezing your eggs help/affect your decision making process? And what with abortion? How to deal with that possibility after making either the childfree or the parent choice? I think there is some valuable information to be added regarding these topics.
But overall, I am very grateful to the author for writing this book because it truly made a huge difference in my life.
When I started reading this book and doing the exercices, I took it very seriously. I would sit down and actually do the exercices, talking out loud, being very open and honest with myself, allowing my true feelings to surface even though that was scary and took some courage. Afterwards, I took notes of every exercice I did and what my findings were. I honestly think it is the only way to get true value out of this book. Only reading it won't have the effect of really showing you the way towards your own correct decision. The book is really a tool that you use in order to access the truth that is hiding inside yourself, covered beneath layers of anxiety, pressure and insecurity.
I really liked that it was hands-on. As soon as I started reading this book and doing the exercices, I felt better already. I felt like I had a support to guide me through this difficult but actually very interesting process. I felt less alone. Now, it was only a matter of grinding my way through this process step by step, guided by the book, and there would be light at the end of it.
I liked that in the beginning of the book, the following was made clear: you can either make a safety decision or a growth decision. A safety decision is one where you don't face your fears and is easier in the short term but is less likely to make you happy in the long term. A growth decision is the opposite: you have to face your fears which is not easy and takes some courage, but you make a conscious decision, acknowledgeing all the pros and cons and going for it, knowing and accepting the sacrifices and compromises you'll have to make and being confident about all the good things this decision will bring you. Examples are given for both, and on either outcome.
This brings me to another thing that I really liked about this book: it is very unbiased towards either outcome. It makes it very clear that this is a personal decision and that the only right decision is the one that is right for you. Bombardieri is a therapist and so has had a lot of clients that she guided through this process. She uses their experiences to give examples of how the exercices helped other people gain valuable insights on their feelings and values. For each example of a pro-parent decision, she gives another of a pro-childfree decision and vice versa. I really liked that. It really shows you that either decision is a valid one, as long as it is yours.
Another huge takeaway for me was the following advice: whatever choice you make, there will be regrets. This is part of decision-making. You cut yourself off from a path that you did not choose. But you have to make the choice that you will regret the least. Once you can understand and accept the loss, you can mourn it and then move forward with your life and all the opportunities that your choice will offer you. If you made the right choice, your regrets will only be mild and occasional.
The good thing about doing one exercice after the other is that it really helps you untangle the mess of indecision, by breaking the dilemma up into smaller aspects to investigate within yourself. Aspects you might have not even thought of, such as what if you could have only the pregnancy and birthgiving part and not the parenthood, would you like that? Or what if you could have the benefits of having children without the burdens of household and organization? It helps you clarify how you feel and what your values are. Going through the exercices, I had a couple of very profound epiphanies that eventually helped me towards making a decision that I am confident and happy with.
A couple of critical points about this book (hence why I didn't give it the full 5 stars):
- it is very US-centred. Of course this makes sense since the author is American, but as a non-American reader it is important to take this into account. Being a parent in the US is a lot harder than in many European countries because the support system is lacking a lot more, which makes it a bigger financial and emotional burden compared to other places in the world. Also, the practical information about fertility treatments and adoption is mostly suited for an American audience.
- I thought it lacked a chapter about egg freezing and about abortion. How can freezing your eggs help/affect your decision making process? And what with abortion? How to deal with that possibility after making either the childfree or the parent choice? I think there is some valuable information to be added regarding these topics.
But overall, I am very grateful to the author for writing this book because it truly made a huge difference in my life.
Read
September 30, 2020I read the sections relevant to me, and would say that I enjoyed the questions. I am childfree, but wanted to read this to see if any part of me could be open to kids, and to give the other choice it's full weight and attention. It didn't help me "confirm" my decision (because my decision was already firm), but it was nice to see how to navigate differing opinions without the initial thought of "not on the same page from day 1? LEAVE. Not even worth discussing."
The book also helped me evaluate my feelings towards pregnancy, something I wasn't expecting but was pleasantly surprised by.
Overall, I found this book to be very unbiased and fair. As a childfree person, perspectives are often written very rudely towards us, and I found this to be very open and respectful. It validates both choices as good options.
The book also helped me evaluate my feelings towards pregnancy, something I wasn't expecting but was pleasantly surprised by.
Overall, I found this book to be very unbiased and fair. As a childfree person, perspectives are often written very rudely towards us, and I found this to be very open and respectful. It validates both choices as good options.
October 8, 2022
"The very fact that you are conflicted about the baby issue suggests that you have potential to find satisfaction in either choice."
This book was exactly what I needed. Written by a therapist, you can tell that shes dealt with many many couples in similar positions and understands the deep feelings involved.
It's so hard to find books about choosing the childfree life and surprisingly this book was very unbiased either way. Merle went into the upsides and downsides of both choices, misconceptions, the risks and she provided exercises to help you understand what you truly want.
I loved it and am so glad I read it! I feel so much more content with our decision after reading it. Highly recommend if you're unsure!
This book was exactly what I needed. Written by a therapist, you can tell that shes dealt with many many couples in similar positions and understands the deep feelings involved.
It's so hard to find books about choosing the childfree life and surprisingly this book was very unbiased either way. Merle went into the upsides and downsides of both choices, misconceptions, the risks and she provided exercises to help you understand what you truly want.
I loved it and am so glad I read it! I feel so much more content with our decision after reading it. Highly recommend if you're unsure!
February 19, 2023
A fairly modern and empowering guide to genuinely entertain the question, tease it away from the myriad of internalized and external pressures and expectations associated with whether or not to have children, and reassurance that conscious, thoughtful decisions will almost certainly lead you to happiness regardless.
Removed a star for a sorely lacking adoption section, which had very little (if anything…) in the way of research on adoptee success, our awful adoption-for-profit system in the US, and how supporting biological families in successful reunification is the best outcome in most situations, at least according to the research and adoptee-led discussions I am aware of.
Also did not address larger ethical questions relating to the state of the world we’re living in, and how to grapple with it amidst the baby decision. Maybe a tall order, but only reference to “people concerned with overpopulation” seems like a huge miss, at least for many millennials like me.
Removed a star for a sorely lacking adoption section, which had very little (if anything…) in the way of research on adoptee success, our awful adoption-for-profit system in the US, and how supporting biological families in successful reunification is the best outcome in most situations, at least according to the research and adoptee-led discussions I am aware of.
Also did not address larger ethical questions relating to the state of the world we’re living in, and how to grapple with it amidst the baby decision. Maybe a tall order, but only reference to “people concerned with overpopulation” seems like a huge miss, at least for many millennials like me.
May 21, 2024
Fantastic all encompassing book to help fellow fence sitters. Bombardieri is clearly an excellent social worker, she writes with such compassion. She made sure to include something for every type of parent (LGBTQ, working parents, older parents etc) but the most compassionate portions were for those that that struggle with fertility/are childfree post-infertility.
I loved how she keeps reminding the reader that:
1. Whatever choice you decide on, you will still have some regret, we are human after all!
2. You owe yourself the introspection and work of making a decision.
Did this book make me suddenly decide that my brain will pump enough oxytocin to make staying home with a baby be as fun as enjoying a punk show 4 beers in with my friends on a random tuesday? no. But it did remind me that a non-decision is a cop out, and that I owe it to myself to utilize tools to learn about myself to make an informed decision. (and also that a baby is not a death sentence, it's only a lame baby for a couple of years and then you can take them to the all ages punk show)
I loved how she keeps reminding the reader that:
1. Whatever choice you decide on, you will still have some regret, we are human after all!
2. You owe yourself the introspection and work of making a decision.
Did this book make me suddenly decide that my brain will pump enough oxytocin to make staying home with a baby be as fun as enjoying a punk show 4 beers in with my friends on a random tuesday? no. But it did remind me that a non-decision is a cop out, and that I owe it to myself to utilize tools to learn about myself to make an informed decision. (and also that a baby is not a death sentence, it's only a lame baby for a couple of years and then you can take them to the all ages punk show)
June 18, 2023
Bringing a human into this world, let alone raising them, seems like such an insanely big decision that it seems miraculous anyone makes it. For some people it just happens, I guess, and for others a choice must be actively made. And that's where this book is a life-saver.
Bombardieri guides the reader through all the steps of coming to an informed decision and helps them understand their own motives and feelings better. I felt really supported by the neutral, non-judgemental and gentle tone of the author. As she points out, deciding means 'cutting away' the other option, and there is always regret that comes with that. This is normal and doesn't make it the wrong decision. This is something I really needed to hear and helped me realise that the choice I want to make is the right one, and doubts are normal.
Thank you to Bombardieri for the helpful advice, and to the friend who recommended this book to me <3
Bombardieri guides the reader through all the steps of coming to an informed decision and helps them understand their own motives and feelings better. I felt really supported by the neutral, non-judgemental and gentle tone of the author. As she points out, deciding means 'cutting away' the other option, and there is always regret that comes with that. This is normal and doesn't make it the wrong decision. This is something I really needed to hear and helped me realise that the choice I want to make is the right one, and doubts are normal.
Thank you to Bombardieri for the helpful advice, and to the friend who recommended this book to me <3
March 21, 2025
Definitely recommend for anyone that doesn’t “just know” what they want regarding having a child! I really liked how the offer presented straight facts about both sides, without an implicit prenatal bias, despite being a mother herself. I think the visual and mental exercise exercises are so necessary and whilst many people, unfortunately, make a passive choice because they think they are supposed to or because they don’t want to think about it and then it’s too late, the author really emphasizes the importance of making an informed decision as opposed to a non-decision (waiting for an accidental pregnancy or waiting until it’s too late) either way. As a 34-year-old who is pretty sure I don’t want children, as does my husband, this book gave us more clarity and more to think about regarding a solid decision. OOOOF mid 30s are weird.
May 27, 2025
it feels awkward putting this on my goodreads but i read it so it COUNTS TOWARD MY GOAL.
this book was INCREDIBLE. extremely relatable, very unbiased. being mid-20s and having been married for a few years, this is a very relevant conversation i’ve been having with many people in my life. i accidentally found this book and i would recommend to ANYONE.
this book was INCREDIBLE. extremely relatable, very unbiased. being mid-20s and having been married for a few years, this is a very relevant conversation i’ve been having with many people in my life. i accidentally found this book and i would recommend to ANYONE.
July 18, 2021
Unbiased with good list of references.
I did not find the exercises useful and it doesn't magically walk you to a final decision - duh! but I feel I know a bit more about myself in the context of this decision after finishing the book.
I did not find the exercises useful and it doesn't magically walk you to a final decision - duh! but I feel I know a bit more about myself in the context of this decision after finishing the book.
August 20, 2023
This is tough to rate on Goodreads because I'm not sure if it is meant to be read cover to cover (or, at least, if I would recommend that others read it cover to cover). At times, it felt like it was intended to be a cover to cover read, in that the author made some sections more narrative. However, overall, this felt more like a manual than a sit-down-and-enjoy-reading sort of book. As a result, for me, this was dry and really dragged on. Relatedly, I should admit/note that while I read the first 1/3 closely and read up to about the halfway point with care, I did skim pretty much the entire last half.
All that being said, this book did it's job in that it gave me a lot to think about, and I was emotional/teary while reading sections of it! I am looking forward to discussing it in the book club I read it for.
I especially appreciated the chapter on what to do when partners disagree about having kids. The section on the layered and complex emotions one might feel after they get pregnant following infertility helped me understand other folks' experiences better. So, overall this was thought-provoking, I just think I would have preferred to read something a little less dry, more narrative, or more like a personal/explanatory essay sort of vibe. Of course, just personal preference. But, given this, while it was thought-provoking, I'm not sure I could see myself recommending the whole book to people (but individual chapters, yes!).
Another note: I didn't like that queer families were under "alternative parenting," but, alas.
All that being said, this book did it's job in that it gave me a lot to think about, and I was emotional/teary while reading sections of it! I am looking forward to discussing it in the book club I read it for.
I especially appreciated the chapter on what to do when partners disagree about having kids. The section on the layered and complex emotions one might feel after they get pregnant following infertility helped me understand other folks' experiences better. So, overall this was thought-provoking, I just think I would have preferred to read something a little less dry, more narrative, or more like a personal/explanatory essay sort of vibe. Of course, just personal preference. But, given this, while it was thought-provoking, I'm not sure I could see myself recommending the whole book to people (but individual chapters, yes!).
Another note: I didn't like that queer families were under "alternative parenting," but, alas.
January 26, 2025
Phenomenal book. A balanced perspective on one of the greatest decisions of people’s lives, and one that is complicated when placed in context of “traditional” society.
Pleasantly surprised at the many take aways and considerations, lenses, the exercises, and resources discussed.
A must read for people like me who are classified as “fence sitters.” The book may not lead you to revelation but certainly will put whatever is swirling in your mind into perspective.
Pleasantly surprised at the many take aways and considerations, lenses, the exercises, and resources discussed.
A must read for people like me who are classified as “fence sitters.” The book may not lead you to revelation but certainly will put whatever is swirling in your mind into perspective.
September 10, 2019
The book is very helpful in raising multiple questions and aspects of both childfree and parenting options, and the exercises are quite useful, as long as you commit to them. It did make me reflect on things I haven't considered, but overall I feel the bar was set pretty low. I have no comparison because it's the only book on this subject I read, but I felt it lacked depth in many important reflections. Perhaps the goal of the author was to cast a broad net and raise initial questions, and she does it well, but the book is certainly not enough - at least for me. It is, however, a good starting point.
August 26, 2022
Well organized and thoughtful book. I appreciated that the author didn’t put a value judgment on either choice, remaining child-free or having children. The exercises were balanced for different types of couples and different life paths. It was helpful to work through the exercises and to work through my feelings. Great book for decision making for an anxious person.
July 15, 2024
I bought this book after I read about its existence in a french book who questions parenthood (it's
Le temps du choix: Etre ou ne pas être mère
if french speaking people want to look into it - it's a great book) and I thought it would be THE perfect book to help me finalise my own "baby decision" as I've been quite undecided these past months...
What it helped me uncover was that I probably had (mostly) decided what to do in regards to that issue before reading the book, however, it reassured me in many ways - about my fertility (I mean a book can't substitute a doctor but being 35 at the moment, I kinda thought that my fertility was suddenly going downhill so it helped to just read that even now, I can still probably conceive if I want to) and mostly also about the fact that no matter what, some regrets will remain, and you can never really be 100% sure about something because, well, we're human.
It also provides many exercices, in form of visualisations or role playing that help envision most aspects of parenthood or childfree life. It covers many aspects of life with/without a child, so it's very useful if you're looking for that.
I liked the fact that it really felt unbiased and kinda neutral - the author never seems to promote one way of living or another. However the book is very USA centred and many of the resources at the end will not help if you're outside the US.
Also, you can read it from front to back, but it can also be read however you like it. I read it almost twice, the first time from front to back, and a second time skimming through and really re-reading the passages that appealed to me most.
All in all, a very interesting book if you're undecided about having a child or not!
What it helped me uncover was that I probably had (mostly) decided what to do in regards to that issue before reading the book, however, it reassured me in many ways - about my fertility (I mean a book can't substitute a doctor but being 35 at the moment, I kinda thought that my fertility was suddenly going downhill so it helped to just read that even now, I can still probably conceive if I want to) and mostly also about the fact that no matter what, some regrets will remain, and you can never really be 100% sure about something because, well, we're human.
It also provides many exercices, in form of visualisations or role playing that help envision most aspects of parenthood or childfree life. It covers many aspects of life with/without a child, so it's very useful if you're looking for that.
I liked the fact that it really felt unbiased and kinda neutral - the author never seems to promote one way of living or another. However the book is very USA centred and many of the resources at the end will not help if you're outside the US.
Also, you can read it from front to back, but it can also be read however you like it. I read it almost twice, the first time from front to back, and a second time skimming through and really re-reading the passages that appealed to me most.
All in all, a very interesting book if you're undecided about having a child or not!
March 16, 2025
Incredibly thought provoking and helpful. Regardless of whether you’re considering a child-free life or parenthood, this book offered so many thought exercises and potential scenarios to determine what’s important to YOU. I loved the author’s sentiment that in reality, no matter what choice you make, you will have some regrets - that’s just life. But taking ownership of the actual decision will empower you to accept those minor regrets, while knowing you made the right choice for you. Own it!
I also really appreciated that there was no bias towards one choice being better than the other. The author presented the facts - there are things you will gain, and things you will give up, with either choice. Highly recommend!
I also really appreciated that there was no bias towards one choice being better than the other. The author presented the facts - there are things you will gain, and things you will give up, with either choice. Highly recommend!
September 22, 2025
3.75. Erittäin kattava ja hyödyllinen kirja niin niille, jotka ei tiedä mitä haluaa mutta myös niille jotka ajattelee olevansa kohtuuvarmoja asiasta. Tää kannattaa lukea fyysisesti, sillä tää on täynnä hyviä harjoituksia ja kysymyksiä, mitä varmasti jää pohtimaan pidempäänkin. Suurin osa näist harjoituksista olis sopinut myös kaikkiin isoihin päätöksiin, joten silläkin kulmalla yllättävän monipuolinen. Loppujen lopuks tää oli kuitenkin jo ehkä vähän liiankin tiivis kokonaisuus, olisin voinut lukea vähän polveilevampaakin tekstiä tai filosofista puolta asioista.
January 28, 2025
It was a very insightful book and it has a lot of tips to take decisions in general. It explores both cases, childfree and parenting with a lot of impartiality and I really liked that. I also really liked that it includes some thoughts into the discourses and dissonances that both sides face from society.
Both cases have their own advantages and disadvantages and it really helps to sink in that in both cases you need to consider a lot of things to make the most out of your decision.
I cannot say I took a decision after reading the book, unfortunately. But at least I know what some steps are to help me understand each case better.
Both cases have their own advantages and disadvantages and it really helps to sink in that in both cases you need to consider a lot of things to make the most out of your decision.
I cannot say I took a decision after reading the book, unfortunately. But at least I know what some steps are to help me understand each case better.
January 25, 2024
A helpful but somewhat outdated view on how to decide if you should have a child. Helped implement thought provoking and honest discussions about the benefits and drawbacks to all aspects of this decision.
December 23, 2025
I found this book so helpful in considering things I never would have thought of while trying to decide to try for a child or not. It was objective and non pushy in either direction.
January 27, 2023
Amazing non-biased approach that really helps you think through the decision. Honestly, everyone should read it, even if you think you are 100% sure of your decision. People don't think through enough before making such an important decision that will change your life forever.
I'm still not 100% sure of any decision after the book but it really helped be think it through and consider a few important things that will weigh in.
I'm still not 100% sure of any decision after the book but it really helped be think it through and consider a few important things that will weigh in.
July 31, 2024
This book was full of stuff I’ve already been thinking about, which was nice! The author made an important point over and over that those who judge or try to convince one way or another have some insecurity about their own choice. I’m going to be thinking about that for a while.
February 18, 2025
Great book. Written in a clear, and objective way. Definitely recommend to read alone or with a partner to figure things out.
December 4, 2023
Ich finde die Autorin hat hier ein wirklich gutes, ausführliches und feinfühliges Buch zusammengestellt, das sehr hilfreich sein kann, wenn man gerne noch Anregungen haben möchte um sich mit dieser Entscheidung zu befassen. Es enthält auch viele "Übungen" zur eigenen Reflexion und zur gemeinsamen Reflexion mit dem Partner/der Partnerin. Das Buch bleibt dabei absolut neutral, sowohl das Leben mit Kindern als auch das Leben ohne eigene Kinder werden hier als gleichwertig schöne Entscheidungen betrachtet.
Auch alternative Familienformen, Single-Parenting und Themen wie Unfruchtbarkeit und Adoption werden angesprochen
Auch alternative Familienformen, Single-Parenting und Themen wie Unfruchtbarkeit und Adoption werden angesprochen
June 22, 2025
The content is well researched and laid out to think about parenthood or child free from many situations, points of view and possibilities. At the core, reflection and communication practices in this book could be used for other big decisions.
March 23, 2021
This book attempts to provide an unbiased set of resources to help make the decision about whether or not to have kids.
It provides a many useful and detailed activities to help you to introspect and think more specifically about what you value and life. There are also activities to help better understand how a baby would fit into your current schedule and deciding how much you could be/would be willing to adjust for the baby. For example, could some of your favorite hobbies/activities be modified to accommodate a baby, or a least a young child?
The books also has chapters on dealing with friends/relatives who may or may not be supportive of one's decision. The book also discusses what to do once you have made your final decision, such as having a child as an older parent, adoption, in-vitro fertilization, and permanent sterilization (if deciding not to have kids).
One small thing that might be helpful to add would have been a chapter or section on how people who are dating in a new relationship can navigate these issues with new partners. For example, if one partner is sure they want kids eventually but the other partner is sure they do not, it may be better to discuss and decide whether there's any way they can move forward with the relationship.
Overall, the book is really useful.
It provides a many useful and detailed activities to help you to introspect and think more specifically about what you value and life. There are also activities to help better understand how a baby would fit into your current schedule and deciding how much you could be/would be willing to adjust for the baby. For example, could some of your favorite hobbies/activities be modified to accommodate a baby, or a least a young child?
The books also has chapters on dealing with friends/relatives who may or may not be supportive of one's decision. The book also discusses what to do once you have made your final decision, such as having a child as an older parent, adoption, in-vitro fertilization, and permanent sterilization (if deciding not to have kids).
One small thing that might be helpful to add would have been a chapter or section on how people who are dating in a new relationship can navigate these issues with new partners. For example, if one partner is sure they want kids eventually but the other partner is sure they do not, it may be better to discuss and decide whether there's any way they can move forward with the relationship.
Overall, the book is really useful.
June 24, 2022
This book was recommended on the fencesitters and childfree subreddits. I always used to tell everyone that I was never having children. As I got older, I decided I wanted to be like my Aunt who traveled all the time, had all these adventures, and nothing to hold her back.
After getting married I was still on the fence. Losing both my parents brought a different perspective. I bought this book and started doing the exercises, I talked out loud, I highlighted sentences, and brought up questions and scenarios to my spouse.
I would say this helped immensely. I believe I’m now ready to get off the fence and make a decision.
After getting married I was still on the fence. Losing both my parents brought a different perspective. I bought this book and started doing the exercises, I talked out loud, I highlighted sentences, and brought up questions and scenarios to my spouse.
I would say this helped immensely. I believe I’m now ready to get off the fence and make a decision.
December 1, 2020
I found this book to be unbiased on either side of the baby discussion and very educational, beyond making a decision about a baby. Would recommend to anyone planning or not planning to have a child.
October 28, 2024
This might be one of the most mature, empathetic, non-judgmental books I've ever read. It would have been extremely valuable for me if I hadn't gone to individual and couples therapy and worked through more of my own identity/individuation the past few years. Kids just aren't a part of my plans and I realized never really have been - but it still helped me feel less judgemental of either decision. This book helped give me more confidence, specifically to help explain a decision I feel I had already made to others (including my parents).
Honestly, this book is just a good overview of how to make conscious decisions. It could also be called 'how not to be an asshole about making big choices' or even nonviolent communication + therapy but wrt pro natalism and child free choices.
Side note: One line from Maia Kobabes genderqueer always stood out to me about children, that not having to have kids was a gift to give yourself.
Quotes/notes
- "Decision-making by its very nature, involves loss."
- "you are willing to fight against pronatalist pressure to live by your values."
- "Two happy, productive, child free people can contribute more to society than two unwilling parents and their unhappy child.... choice is the foundation of happiness and mental health."
- "Which decision would I regret the least?" Both outcomes will entail some occasional regret.
- "Even if all the work were done for them, they still wouldn't want kids."
- "We concluded that we didn't actually want children, we had just wanted to please our parents.... we still don't see eye to eye, but at least were beginning to accept on another. I feel like a real grownup for the first time in my life." Individuation, separating your identity from your parents.
- "Although the act of providing your child with love and security won't heal your difficult childhood, it can be very comforting."
- "Many pregnancies that weren't unplanned were unquestioned."
- People vent and shame all the way in different indirect games.
- "People who change their minds are not ex-fools who have finally embraced some absolute, universal truth that you have always subscribed to. Their earlier choice was right at the time, but they are different people now, and the change reflects these differences."
- "Every decision contains some elements of conformity, since there are going to be people criticizing both choices."
- "You're the only one who has the right to decide whether your decision is genuine."
- "Dodging. This is a technique to use when you want to get a meddler off your back quickly. Simply agree with his or her view point and don't add any fuel to the fire. You don’t have to agree, just acknowledge the possibility of some truth in what the person is saying. 'You may be right about that, perhaps its true.'"
- Another one: 'why does it matter to you?' ... 'what is it about my being child free that bothers you?'. "You enjoy fatherhood so much, I can see why you would have regretted not having children. But I believe I would regret having them." ... "Remember, people who are comfortable with their choice have no reason to be uncomfortable with yours." ... "You are not obligated to explain yourself, you are choosing to explain your reasons to this particular person and you can choose to stop midstream if the person launches an offensive."
- "Before the availability of contraception, people who were sexually active did not have a choice. Even after contraceptives became available, people generally thought them as controlling when, not if, they became parents. Parenthood was considered one of life's most fulfilling experiences. One that everyone should have, at least if they were healthy, employed, and in a good relationship. Today, many of us believe that giving birth is tantamount to fighting a war. A war that will deprive us of peace, tranquility, sleep, and personal satisfaction. In the wake of these two extreme views comes a whole flood of murky beliefs we need to question. I call then 'poison vials', because by polluting your mind they seriously hinder good decision making."
- "Happy parents aren't ones who feel no resentment. They're the ones who live with the resentment because, in their parenthood scale, the pleasures outweighs the suffering."
- "Regrets of what might have been are an inevitable part of life. Therefore a better question to ask is 'which decision will you regret least?'" ... "If you've thought about these issues, chances are your regrets will be mild and infrequent."
- "The fact that Mindys has parenting skills doesn't mean she should become a parent, anymore than having mathematical ability means one should become an engineer. Only her inner desires can tell her whether or not to have a child."
- "In my view, selfishness is an attempt to meet your own needs without any regard to anyone else's. Self-love, on the other hand, means caring about yourself enough to do what's right for you. Nourishing yourself in such a way that you can love others too."
- [Research] "Nonparents are at least as mentally healthy as parents. Childfree marriages are at least as happy as marriages that produce children. People are most dissatisfied with their marriages during the years that they are raising children. Marriages are most successful prior to the birth of the first child and after the youngest leaves home. And they are more troubled when there are young children in the home." ... "Although there are many different ways to interpret these studies, one clear statement can be made: No couple should have a child unless both really want one."
- "And if you don't want children, take heart in the fact that most studies indicate that you'll be at least as happy as parents are if not happier."
- "In the healthy confrontation, nether person loses sight of the fact that each is seeking to express the truth and find a meaningful way to live.... the person's always remain persons."
- "The desired product: a mutual decision, will only be as good as the process: mutual communication."
- "Nondecisions cheat you out of growth opportunities and make it easy for you to feel sorry for yourself and blame your partner or fate for the outcome."
- "...what you are labeling as age-related exhaustion, is actually the exhaustion of grief, of decision-making... waiting..."
- Deciding to be childless doesn't mean you need to have some extraordinary productivity in your life, it just means you would prefer to live without children.
- [on sterilization] "If you think you could live with regret, should it ever materialize, you are making a mature choice."
- [on telling parents]. "Let them mourn. You've taken away what they have believed was their right to grandchildren. Don't take away their right to their own reactions. You don't have to agree with their attitude or feel guilty about it. But you can say 'I can understand why you feel that way' or you might say 'I'm sorry to disappoint you.' If they have other grandchildren, remind them of this."
- "You and your parents may never agree, but you can offer them compassion, understanding, and authentic conversation."
- Nurture your desire to parents by becoming special friends to friends with children.
- "Now that you have ruled out parenthoood, you and your partner may have some satisfying conversations while brainstorming possibilities....Congratulations on venturing into one of the new lifestyles of the 21st century. You are fortunate to live in the first age in which people's talents and interests do not lie in childrearing are able to say no to parenthood and yea to themselves. You are free to spend your time and energy on the pursuits that offer you the deepest satisfaction. The self-awareness, risk-taking, and assertiveness you have developed during the decision-making process should stand you in good stead as you continue staking out new territories of child free living."
- Those who do decide to have kids, can be frustrated that it'll now involve a lot of waiting, and giving up of control. "Children are more like rocks that chip than eggs that break... you cannot mold a child's personality, because he or she is already born with one... 'I am not a sculpture who molds a child from clay. I'm the gardner who tends the seed that will grow to become itself."
- "Willing encouragement is better than unwilling participation."
- "'Children can't be a center of life and a reason for being. They can be a thousand things that are delightful, interesting, satisfying, but they can't be a wellspring to live from.'" Susan Rollins.
Honestly, this book is just a good overview of how to make conscious decisions. It could also be called 'how not to be an asshole about making big choices' or even nonviolent communication + therapy but wrt pro natalism and child free choices.
Side note: One line from Maia Kobabes genderqueer always stood out to me about children, that not having to have kids was a gift to give yourself.
Quotes/notes
- "Decision-making by its very nature, involves loss."
- "you are willing to fight against pronatalist pressure to live by your values."
- "Two happy, productive, child free people can contribute more to society than two unwilling parents and their unhappy child.... choice is the foundation of happiness and mental health."
- "Which decision would I regret the least?" Both outcomes will entail some occasional regret.
- "Even if all the work were done for them, they still wouldn't want kids."
- "We concluded that we didn't actually want children, we had just wanted to please our parents.... we still don't see eye to eye, but at least were beginning to accept on another. I feel like a real grownup for the first time in my life." Individuation, separating your identity from your parents.
- "Although the act of providing your child with love and security won't heal your difficult childhood, it can be very comforting."
- "Many pregnancies that weren't unplanned were unquestioned."
- People vent and shame all the way in different indirect games.
- "People who change their minds are not ex-fools who have finally embraced some absolute, universal truth that you have always subscribed to. Their earlier choice was right at the time, but they are different people now, and the change reflects these differences."
- "Every decision contains some elements of conformity, since there are going to be people criticizing both choices."
- "You're the only one who has the right to decide whether your decision is genuine."
- "Dodging. This is a technique to use when you want to get a meddler off your back quickly. Simply agree with his or her view point and don't add any fuel to the fire. You don’t have to agree, just acknowledge the possibility of some truth in what the person is saying. 'You may be right about that, perhaps its true.'"
- Another one: 'why does it matter to you?' ... 'what is it about my being child free that bothers you?'. "You enjoy fatherhood so much, I can see why you would have regretted not having children. But I believe I would regret having them." ... "Remember, people who are comfortable with their choice have no reason to be uncomfortable with yours." ... "You are not obligated to explain yourself, you are choosing to explain your reasons to this particular person and you can choose to stop midstream if the person launches an offensive."
- "Before the availability of contraception, people who were sexually active did not have a choice. Even after contraceptives became available, people generally thought them as controlling when, not if, they became parents. Parenthood was considered one of life's most fulfilling experiences. One that everyone should have, at least if they were healthy, employed, and in a good relationship. Today, many of us believe that giving birth is tantamount to fighting a war. A war that will deprive us of peace, tranquility, sleep, and personal satisfaction. In the wake of these two extreme views comes a whole flood of murky beliefs we need to question. I call then 'poison vials', because by polluting your mind they seriously hinder good decision making."
- "Happy parents aren't ones who feel no resentment. They're the ones who live with the resentment because, in their parenthood scale, the pleasures outweighs the suffering."
- "Regrets of what might have been are an inevitable part of life. Therefore a better question to ask is 'which decision will you regret least?'" ... "If you've thought about these issues, chances are your regrets will be mild and infrequent."
- "The fact that Mindys has parenting skills doesn't mean she should become a parent, anymore than having mathematical ability means one should become an engineer. Only her inner desires can tell her whether or not to have a child."
- "In my view, selfishness is an attempt to meet your own needs without any regard to anyone else's. Self-love, on the other hand, means caring about yourself enough to do what's right for you. Nourishing yourself in such a way that you can love others too."
- [Research] "Nonparents are at least as mentally healthy as parents. Childfree marriages are at least as happy as marriages that produce children. People are most dissatisfied with their marriages during the years that they are raising children. Marriages are most successful prior to the birth of the first child and after the youngest leaves home. And they are more troubled when there are young children in the home." ... "Although there are many different ways to interpret these studies, one clear statement can be made: No couple should have a child unless both really want one."
- "And if you don't want children, take heart in the fact that most studies indicate that you'll be at least as happy as parents are if not happier."
- "In the healthy confrontation, nether person loses sight of the fact that each is seeking to express the truth and find a meaningful way to live.... the person's always remain persons."
- "The desired product: a mutual decision, will only be as good as the process: mutual communication."
- "Nondecisions cheat you out of growth opportunities and make it easy for you to feel sorry for yourself and blame your partner or fate for the outcome."
- "...what you are labeling as age-related exhaustion, is actually the exhaustion of grief, of decision-making... waiting..."
- Deciding to be childless doesn't mean you need to have some extraordinary productivity in your life, it just means you would prefer to live without children.
- [on sterilization] "If you think you could live with regret, should it ever materialize, you are making a mature choice."
- [on telling parents]. "Let them mourn. You've taken away what they have believed was their right to grandchildren. Don't take away their right to their own reactions. You don't have to agree with their attitude or feel guilty about it. But you can say 'I can understand why you feel that way' or you might say 'I'm sorry to disappoint you.' If they have other grandchildren, remind them of this."
- "You and your parents may never agree, but you can offer them compassion, understanding, and authentic conversation."
- Nurture your desire to parents by becoming special friends to friends with children.
- "Now that you have ruled out parenthoood, you and your partner may have some satisfying conversations while brainstorming possibilities....Congratulations on venturing into one of the new lifestyles of the 21st century. You are fortunate to live in the first age in which people's talents and interests do not lie in childrearing are able to say no to parenthood and yea to themselves. You are free to spend your time and energy on the pursuits that offer you the deepest satisfaction. The self-awareness, risk-taking, and assertiveness you have developed during the decision-making process should stand you in good stead as you continue staking out new territories of child free living."
- Those who do decide to have kids, can be frustrated that it'll now involve a lot of waiting, and giving up of control. "Children are more like rocks that chip than eggs that break... you cannot mold a child's personality, because he or she is already born with one... 'I am not a sculpture who molds a child from clay. I'm the gardner who tends the seed that will grow to become itself."
- "Willing encouragement is better than unwilling participation."
- "'Children can't be a center of life and a reason for being. They can be a thousand things that are delightful, interesting, satisfying, but they can't be a wellspring to live from.'" Susan Rollins.
July 26, 2025
I found this to be a genuinely helpful read — it’s balanced, it validates the reasons why someone would or would not want to be a parent, and doesn’t judge either decision. I got a lot out of the exercises, and still found something valuable in sections that didn’t directly apply to me (like the section about being directly at odds with your partner about the decision, or single parenthood).
Docking a star because I felt like it really skimmed over the potential consequences of adoption. We’re finding out so much about unethical international adoption practices — how some parents didn’t even realize they were relinquishing their child. And the author rightfully expresses concerns about the lack of infrastructure and support for parents in the United States in the chapter about working moms, but fails to bring it up at all in the context of adoption. How many more mothers would keep their babies if we strengthened our social safety net? There are certainly positive adoption experiences, and I don’t want to discount them, but as a whole I think we need to start talking about the entitlement that middle class and rich Americans feel to poor women’s babies. I wish this book gave that question its due.
Docking a star because I felt like it really skimmed over the potential consequences of adoption. We’re finding out so much about unethical international adoption practices — how some parents didn’t even realize they were relinquishing their child. And the author rightfully expresses concerns about the lack of infrastructure and support for parents in the United States in the chapter about working moms, but fails to bring it up at all in the context of adoption. How many more mothers would keep their babies if we strengthened our social safety net? There are certainly positive adoption experiences, and I don’t want to discount them, but as a whole I think we need to start talking about the entitlement that middle class and rich Americans feel to poor women’s babies. I wish this book gave that question its due.
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