Everyday Narcissism: Yours, Mine, and Ours

by Nancy Van Dyken, Anne Katherine (Foreword)

A step-by-step program that shows how to recognize everyday narcissism in ourselves and others and respond in healthy ways. Narcissism, in all forms, is a belief that the world revolves around us, and that what happens in the world happens because of us. Most of us live with a form of narcissism so deeply embedded that we don't even know we have it. This "everyday narcissism" (EN) comes from a combination of childhood wounds and powerful myths we were taught as children. Everyday Narcissism helps readers understand how EN manifests in their own lives, and teaches them how to heal it. This awareness provides a foundation for creating greater happiness, more fulfilling relationships, less reactivity, and more meaning.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology

192 pages, Paperback

Published September 12, 2017

Reviews

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author of this book is pretentious judgmental and narrow minded. I did not like this book because it takes trauma and turns it into something debatable, something that happens to everyone, and something that is the fault of who ever experiences. The author uses examples of "trauma" that are just examples of people losing their temper or *gasp* parenting their children. She attempts to turn everytime child is told no into a traumatic event.

I think I understand where she was trying to go with this book but the examples undermined everything she wrote. I was very frustrated with this book because it was chosen for my book club and it just sucked. I get it expectations can be very hard to over come but my god every thing that has happened in your life has not damaged you beyond repair. It takes away from actual experiences of trauma. Also the example of a girl being sexually assaults then the author saying that it was her fault because she only said no ONCE is fucked up.

Also its very preachy and gross. Nevermind that I listened to the audio book and the narrator is so so awful makes it sound like shes talking down to you, gross.

[Abracadebra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be very informative and helpful. I consider it portable therapy and will refer to it often. It was easy to read and contains simple exercises to support healing.

[Marta · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title is misleading and the author quickly makes it clear that she is not speaking about actual narcissism. Instead, she came up with a catchy phrase for being passive or passive aggressive. Here it's considered a very unhealthy trait to have learned in childhood to put others needs before yourself. And certainly, there are many examples of how often this can be done in an unhealthy way. But I think she takes it too far with the presumption that we should always say what we want.
The one thing I will chew on is her position statement that churches teach us to lie, because as kids we fund-raise, go on mission trips, or join the choir knowing that this is what is expected of us, therefore not learning how to be in touch with our true selves. I disagree, because I think there's something to be said for learning about the greater good, and most of us are pretty in touch with what we do and don't want. However, she does make an interesting point about the fact that we are certainly not encouraged to question church authority and often as adults are reluctant to share beliefs that are outside our religion.
Unfortunately, this thought is embedded in a book with a misleading title and a shaky premise,

[T Love · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Shift in Perspective

Nancy Van Dyken has shifted the perspective of narcissism in a way that allows us to see the lies we have been taught and pass on to others, so we can learn, grow and be comfortable with who we are in life. From facing childhood issues to learning how to say no and take care of ourselves first, this book provides healing activities, tools, that will bring about change so you can move forward in a way that is very freeing for your life’s journey. Short stories validate the concepts. There is something for everyone in this book. This is not an academic book, it’s easy to understand, the activities are simple. The 5 myths are quite eye opening. Read. Do. Grow. Highly recommended.

[Donnell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book can be life-changing.

Everyday Narcissism (EN) is so pervasive and subtle. Fascinating to realize how parents, for example, can feel they are only doing good in keeping a child safe, in steering a child towards "smarter choices"--when the result is a suppression of the child's spirit.

Gave it four stars rather than five because--and this probably can't be helped--the, at times, "self-help" feel (which can be a bit boring.)

[Liz Star · Rating 5 out of 5]

A phenomenal and quick read. A brilliant guide to introspection and shared human tendencies.

[Dan Stern · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book describes in an integrated way how many if, not most of us, are initiated into 5 myths, elements of unrealistic world view, that while quite common, keeps up from negotiating a productive deal with life. It covers the influences of trauma, small and large, if there be any early or late in life, on that distorted world view, and explains the origins of shame, and more. The presentation is well integrated and I found it compelling. It then describes a more realistic, healthy emotional world view and how to achieve it. It also touches lightly on clinical narcissism and how it differs from, as in the title of the book, everyday narcissism.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

The myths are well thought out and helpful to contemplate!

The list of needs includes some things that are judgments not needs according to Non Violent Communication. I’d recommend looking up NVC lists of feelings and needs.

While I agree with all of the points, some of the writing is a bit brash (like the victim energy section). While we all have the power to change ourselves and doing so could improve our lives, some of us experienced severe hardship and need to be gentle with the process of changing.

[Shirley White]

A useful brief treatise that explains how our childhood trauma leaves us feeling responsible for everyone's behavior and responses, and denies us agengy in caring for ourselves and recognizing our own unhealthy reactive responses, and learning to modify our own behavior and self care.
Some of this healing, it seems, comes with maturity and experience, but it is certainly worthwhile to learn this earlier, as it tends to lead to a much happier life and stronger, less conflicted relationships.

[Knutt · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book anyone who cares for someone else (partner, sibling, children, friend) should read. We all have EN that infiltrates our thoughts and actions. If you don’t think you need this book, maybe it’s not EN your living with…food for thought. The only reason i didn’t give it a 4 or 5 is it’s tough content and hard to read a lot at once.

[Maggie Buckley · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are many great points in this book. And the 5 Myths seem valid. But I canNOT stand the phrase “living your truth,” and this book uses that phrase constantly. Very frustrating.

The chapter on Victim Energy was probably my favorite.
The “live your truth” and most of the little anecdotes of his patients were my least favorite.

[Natalia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read this book in an hour. The book is written in a mild preaching style. It sounds like a very long repeating self-help article. Btw it has nothing to do with actual narcissistic personality disorder and the author makes that very clear. Overall, meh.

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read and follow. Just remember this is to help you with garden variety level narcissism (Everyday Narcissism) that we all experience, every day. This is not a book to get you thru processing trauma, abuse, or clinical narcissism.

[April · Rating 1 out of 5]

Repetitive and much to simplistic for anyone actually interested in learning about narcissism. Skip it.

[Virgo Viqueen · Rating 3 out of 5]

The content itself seemed a little repetitive (I struggled to stay focused in the second half) but there were a few golden points that the author made.

[Caristy Olson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not the book I was expecting to read. But still some things to learn from.

[Maria Sestito · Rating 5 out of 5]

easy access read but still powerful, perhaps, especially those new to inner work