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Diary of a Suicide
This is Wallace Baker Diary before his suicide in 1913.
Dear Mr. Herts:--Under separate cover I am sending you a record of a
young man who is about to commit suicide. My only object is that it
may help, if published in part or whole, to ease the way for some who
come after.
If you will kindly read it through, especially the latter part, you
will be able to judge whether you care to make any use of it. If not,
kindly mail same to Mr. ----, Toronto, Ont.
I have cut out references to places and people here and there for
their sake, because naturally I cannot be worried about myself after
death.
Thanking you for giving this matter your attention, I remain,
Dear Mr. Herts:--Under separate cover I am sending you a record of a
young man who is about to commit suicide. My only object is that it
may help, if published in part or whole, to ease the way for some who
come after.
If you will kindly read it through, especially the latter part, you
will be able to judge whether you care to make any use of it. If not,
kindly mail same to Mr. ----, Toronto, Ont.
I have cut out references to places and people here and there for
their sake, because naturally I cannot be worried about myself after
death.
Thanking you for giving this matter your attention, I remain,
54 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 11, 2015
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
August 21, 2019
A melancholic account of what it means to suffer in your own head, day-to-day. The fight that you put up, the strength that you show, the falls in the abyss, the rising up, the hopes, the thirst for knowledge, the disappointments, the desire for being loved, the acceptance, the denial, the loneliness, the passion and then you are gone!
It has been a long time where I had picked up a book and have been unable to put it down. It felt like someone else had successfully articulated my struggles with absolute accuracy - a very nervous realisation but at the same time, I am grateful that Wallace wrote this out - at least it gives a strange morbid comfort that I am not alone.
An absolute must-read.
It has been a long time where I had picked up a book and have been unable to put it down. It felt like someone else had successfully articulated my struggles with absolute accuracy - a very nervous realisation but at the same time, I am grateful that Wallace wrote this out - at least it gives a strange morbid comfort that I am not alone.
An absolute must-read.
March 3, 2022
No words can describe how much this book freaks me out, and this is because it resembles me so much. It is the actual diary of someone who committed suicide. First, I am the same age as the writer, and I share the obsession with Strindberg and Ibsen with him. Strindberg is my favorite author, and this guy's dead body was found with a picture of Strindberg in his pocket. My admiration for Strindberg made me visit his house, a museum in Stockholm. I even stayed in a hotel on the same street where he lived. Baker and I have the same dream, problems with family/relatives, dislike for our work, financial troubles, and other thoughts that we share.
It is beautifully written with a straightforward style that keeps the reader going on. It is not that famous because it is among the forgotten books from the early 20th century that Project Gutenberg is trying to bring back to life. I am glad that I accidentally stumbled upon this book on Project Gutenberg.
It is beautifully written with a straightforward style that keeps the reader going on. It is not that famous because it is among the forgotten books from the early 20th century that Project Gutenberg is trying to bring back to life. I am glad that I accidentally stumbled upon this book on Project Gutenberg.
November 27, 2019
This is one hell of a grossly under-appreciated book. The titular character was incredibly well-built. It is a study in depression, sexual frustrations, and intellectual aloofness of a young man who ends up commuting suicide. The kind of stuff you expect from Russian classics. Definitely stays relevant to date.
September 7, 2018
Depiction of the suicide of a fairly standard case. Depressed incel in his early 20s with a shitty family life, no father, weak mother, higher than average IQ but delusions of grandeur as a result, mood swings, bad physical health. Pretty depressing to read knowing how it'll end. Honestly, not particularly enlightening except insofar as it seems really representative of a standard case of of the internal monologue of a person with depression culminating in suicide, but based on the reviewer demographic, if you are interested in reading this at all you already know what those thoughts are like. Except that he has a bit more mania or bi-polarity than might be average?
December 6, 2020
***Not for those who are emotionally fragile or considering suicide.***
For others, this will either read as wildly self-indulgent or deeply sad. In both, I was surprised at how similarly the pain and stresses of this man from a century ago still apply for many.
On Sept. 28th, 1913, Mr. B. Russell Herts, of “The International,” received the following letter:
New York, Sept. 27, 1913.
Mr. B. Russell Herts,
c/o International Magazine,
New York City.
Dear Mr. Herts:—Under separate cover I am sending you a record of a young man who is about to commit suicide. My only object is that it may help, if published in part or whole, to ease the way for some who come after.
If you will kindly read it through, especially the latter part, you will be able to judge whether you care to make any use of it. If not, kindly mail same to Mr. ——, Toronto, Ont.
I have cut out references to places and people here and there for their sake, because naturally I cannot be worried about myself after death.
Thanking you for giving this matter your attention, I remain,
I do not sign this, but you may verify my death by communicating with Mr. ——, whom I am writing to-day, so that he may look after my effects in New York.
The body of a well-dressed young man was found off Manhattan Beach, Sept. 28th. In his pockets a torn photograph of Strindberg and receipts for three registered letters were found. These receipts were traced to Mr. Herts and to friends in Toronto, one of whom identified the body on Oct. 2d as that of Wallace E. Baker. He was buried on Oct. 3d in Evergreen Cemetery, Brooklyn.
For others, this will either read as wildly self-indulgent or deeply sad. In both, I was surprised at how similarly the pain and stresses of this man from a century ago still apply for many.
On Sept. 28th, 1913, Mr. B. Russell Herts, of “The International,” received the following letter:
New York, Sept. 27, 1913.
Mr. B. Russell Herts,
c/o International Magazine,
New York City.
Dear Mr. Herts:—Under separate cover I am sending you a record of a young man who is about to commit suicide. My only object is that it may help, if published in part or whole, to ease the way for some who come after.
If you will kindly read it through, especially the latter part, you will be able to judge whether you care to make any use of it. If not, kindly mail same to Mr. ——, Toronto, Ont.
I have cut out references to places and people here and there for their sake, because naturally I cannot be worried about myself after death.
Thanking you for giving this matter your attention, I remain,
I do not sign this, but you may verify my death by communicating with Mr. ——, whom I am writing to-day, so that he may look after my effects in New York.
The body of a well-dressed young man was found off Manhattan Beach, Sept. 28th. In his pockets a torn photograph of Strindberg and receipts for three registered letters were found. These receipts were traced to Mr. Herts and to friends in Toronto, one of whom identified the body on Oct. 2d as that of Wallace E. Baker. He was buried on Oct. 3d in Evergreen Cemetery, Brooklyn.
May 10, 2017
I am so happy I found this book. I feel privileged as it is a kinda forgotten classic.
I also feel a little scared, as Wallace and I have a lot in common. He talks about his want to do so many different topics, he too was a lover of the sciences and creative arts. Not just that our thought path seem to be almost identical; if I wasn't aware of reading I would think that I was reading my own diary at times.
I shared a lot of his sadness. His thoughts and views on life, that sometimes no matter how beautiful something seems to be on the outside, the inside can be a totally different story. He was 5 years older than me when he finished the diary but his look back on life as a teenager and preteen really made me wanna cry, as I feel the same now. I feel like I am not "Teening" right!
I feel like the one of many thing I have in common with him, and many other creative minds is that we are all just old people trapped in the bodies of the young; I have felt that from being 6, 10, 13 and still the same at 18. I often think to myself when I am older, will I feel sad for missing out on the experiences that so many other people have-some below my age-such as sexual, experimental.. Did I go out enough? Why did I worry so much... that kinda thing.
This book has really made me think deep about myself. From it, I want to be more mindful, I want to think less about certain things and be more present and enjoy being young and a teenager as that will not last forever, and one day be recycled memories. (Sorry if this review is a mess but I have not slept for about 13 hours and I am very tired) :)
Favorite quote: 'I laugh as much as I feel like crying'
I also feel a little scared, as Wallace and I have a lot in common. He talks about his want to do so many different topics, he too was a lover of the sciences and creative arts. Not just that our thought path seem to be almost identical; if I wasn't aware of reading I would think that I was reading my own diary at times.
I shared a lot of his sadness. His thoughts and views on life, that sometimes no matter how beautiful something seems to be on the outside, the inside can be a totally different story. He was 5 years older than me when he finished the diary but his look back on life as a teenager and preteen really made me wanna cry, as I feel the same now. I feel like I am not "Teening" right!
I feel like the one of many thing I have in common with him, and many other creative minds is that we are all just old people trapped in the bodies of the young; I have felt that from being 6, 10, 13 and still the same at 18. I often think to myself when I am older, will I feel sad for missing out on the experiences that so many other people have-some below my age-such as sexual, experimental.. Did I go out enough? Why did I worry so much... that kinda thing.
This book has really made me think deep about myself. From it, I want to be more mindful, I want to think less about certain things and be more present and enjoy being young and a teenager as that will not last forever, and one day be recycled memories. (Sorry if this review is a mess but I have not slept for about 13 hours and I am very tired) :)
Favorite quote: 'I laugh as much as I feel like crying'
December 7, 2021
A haunting diary of a man who struggles with mental illness and trying to live a worthwhile life. Though throughout this diary are mentions of suicide and how even though he doesn't want to kill himself, he can't stop thinking of it. I don't agree with many of his thoughts on life and women, I think this makes him feel human. He is a mentally ill 23-year old who feels isolated, unhappy, and unfulfilled with his life who is venting in his diary, we are not seeing him at his best.
This book is thought-provoking and profoundly sad. At times it even feels like this is just an extremely long suicide note. At the end of the book, it is hard not to cry since you know that the end of this book signals the author's suicide.
This book also makes me think of the progress of mental health treatment and acceptance. If Wallace was born in today's society would he have gotten the help he so desperately needed? What type of diagnosis would Wallace get? What was the reception of this book when it was published, was it seen as exploitative, or did it help create conversations about mental health and seeking treatment?
Overall I recommend this book because of how raw and thought-provoking this book is.
This book is thought-provoking and profoundly sad. At times it even feels like this is just an extremely long suicide note. At the end of the book, it is hard not to cry since you know that the end of this book signals the author's suicide.
This book also makes me think of the progress of mental health treatment and acceptance. If Wallace was born in today's society would he have gotten the help he so desperately needed? What type of diagnosis would Wallace get? What was the reception of this book when it was published, was it seen as exploitative, or did it help create conversations about mental health and seeking treatment?
Overall I recommend this book because of how raw and thought-provoking this book is.
April 17, 2020
I have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was a small kid, and I’m not entirely convinced that’s what this author had. I’m sure it manifests differently for people but this came across as a guy that had to work, who didn’t want to, who wanted people to give him money so he didn’t have to do anything but be a genius and have sex. Life doesn’t work that way for most and I feel this like was a complete waste of time. Luckily, it was a very short read.
January 7, 2025
ehhhh.... although written with grace and intelligence, his outlook on life was grim only because of a boring job and no bitches on his dick.
March 29, 2018
If you ever questioned why people would commit suicide this book is your answer. Bur I must say If you`re depressed or suicidal dont read it. because it might trigger you
December 2, 2019
Pretentious. Fake deep. Author thinks hes smarter than he actually is
February 18, 2020
Such an amazing book
Read
December 14, 2021"Money I must have to live, further than that it seems a pitiful waste of time to spend one's life in a mad endeavor to obtain wealth at the price of all that counts."
"Self-consciousness to an extreme, fight it as I will, and yet a deep absorption in anything which really interests me so that I lose my identity in it."
"Born with such a Jekyll and Hyde disposition that I am never normal, either so filled with ideals that everything good and noble seems possible, or so black that I shrink from myself in horror- even though it has been in thought rather than deed that I have transgressed or been an idealist."
"Slowly and surely I am coming to the point where nothing matters."
"Art, philosophy, love of life in its nakedness, without false convention, must be my keyword, not for happiness, for that were impossible, but for sufficient interest to carry me through."
"Relaxation will be the rule."
"The only trouble is that I have various moods, and at the time I really believe that each one is the right one. However, by gradually dropping unnatural habits caused by trying to conform, I hope to reach an impregnable position insofar that I am willing to lose everything for freedom to live my own life, believing that this seeming selfishness makes for the best for myself, family and all others, because even though wrong in many things, if my nature is wrong, it is better to be wrong and be myself than to be what I honestly believe to be wrong and please others."
"It is such an effort to live.."
"But I only feel at home when I read men of genius. Always without a friend, the average man is a stranger to me."
"Things which pass over most men afflict me with terrible force."
"Death only holds forth relief.."
"Of course others have the grind, also; but the fact that they continue to live shows that they can stand it much better, and were born to it. I wasn't.
"The majority is always wrong, and the minority of supermen - Zolas, Ibsens, etc. - must band together and overthrow the whole damn system which drives the best, the most sincere and honest to suicide or starvation."
"Self-consciousness to an extreme, fight it as I will, and yet a deep absorption in anything which really interests me so that I lose my identity in it."
"Born with such a Jekyll and Hyde disposition that I am never normal, either so filled with ideals that everything good and noble seems possible, or so black that I shrink from myself in horror- even though it has been in thought rather than deed that I have transgressed or been an idealist."
"Slowly and surely I am coming to the point where nothing matters."
"Art, philosophy, love of life in its nakedness, without false convention, must be my keyword, not for happiness, for that were impossible, but for sufficient interest to carry me through."
"Relaxation will be the rule."
"The only trouble is that I have various moods, and at the time I really believe that each one is the right one. However, by gradually dropping unnatural habits caused by trying to conform, I hope to reach an impregnable position insofar that I am willing to lose everything for freedom to live my own life, believing that this seeming selfishness makes for the best for myself, family and all others, because even though wrong in many things, if my nature is wrong, it is better to be wrong and be myself than to be what I honestly believe to be wrong and please others."
"It is such an effort to live.."
"But I only feel at home when I read men of genius. Always without a friend, the average man is a stranger to me."
"Things which pass over most men afflict me with terrible force."
"Death only holds forth relief.."
"Of course others have the grind, also; but the fact that they continue to live shows that they can stand it much better, and were born to it. I wasn't.
"The majority is always wrong, and the minority of supermen - Zolas, Ibsens, etc. - must band together and overthrow the whole damn system which drives the best, the most sincere and honest to suicide or starvation."
August 1, 2023
☆3
I've always been interested in reading books in a diary format and this one is an interesting read.
On one hand, it was intriguing to see Wallace's slow spiral into suicide but on the other hand- there was a lot of boring moments too.
What really stopped this book from getting 5 stars from me was probably the huge amount of philosophy which didn't interest me at all but is a huge part of Wallace's character.
As another review said, I don't agree with most of his decisions or ideology, which is a good thing because it makes him feel more real.
There is a lot to be said about how professions are failing people and how Wallace can never escape feeling like his life is unfulfilled.
It's a read you really have to pay attention to and dissect everything the character is saying to fully grasp which isn't my favorite type of book.
Overall it was an intriguing read and it's good that it's short because it is pretty dry. Lots of dramatic irony.
☆3
I've always been interested in reading books in a diary format and this one is an interesting read.
On one hand, it was intriguing to see Wallace's slow spiral into suicide but on the other hand- there was a lot of boring moments too.
What really stopped this book from getting 5 stars from me was probably the huge amount of philosophy which didn't interest me at all but is a huge part of Wallace's character.
As another review said, I don't agree with most of his decisions or ideology, which is a good thing because it makes him feel more real.
There is a lot to be said about how professions are failing people and how Wallace can never escape feeling like his life is unfulfilled.
It's a read you really have to pay attention to and dissect everything the character is saying to fully grasp which isn't my favorite type of book.
Overall it was an intriguing read and it's good that it's short because it is pretty dry. Lots of dramatic irony.
☆3
May 31, 2017
This book has been my companion during my tea time. It is a privilege to have acess to this kind of literature. I learned so much with this man experiences.
I myself have melancholy disposition within me, I always found myself very fond of melancholy situations, tales, literature, movies, songs and so on. Besides having a disposition for melancholy I always feel the passion towards life, though. In my case: find passions, goals, reachables goals, progressing step by step toward my ''dream'' ''goal'' or whatever it may be called, it is essencial to not let my heart fall into distress and desper. Always have something to strike for, always a dream, reachable.
A man without dreams, is just a leaf in the middle of the storm.
I myself have melancholy disposition within me, I always found myself very fond of melancholy situations, tales, literature, movies, songs and so on. Besides having a disposition for melancholy I always feel the passion towards life, though. In my case: find passions, goals, reachables goals, progressing step by step toward my ''dream'' ''goal'' or whatever it may be called, it is essencial to not let my heart fall into distress and desper. Always have something to strike for, always a dream, reachable.
A man without dreams, is just a leaf in the middle of the storm.
February 9, 2022
I enjoyed reading this, though it was gloomy and sorrowful.
the reasons he gave for his decision are quit simple, but deep enough to demonstrate his unhappiness.
I'm not sure if he was mentally ill? It just seems that he was incompatable with this life and its struggles.
Through the diary he had his ups and downs, but he was depressed, undoubtedly extremely depressed.
I can imagine how bad can it be if someone lost passion and desire in life.
the reasons he gave for his decision are quit simple, but deep enough to demonstrate his unhappiness.
I'm not sure if he was mentally ill? It just seems that he was incompatable with this life and its struggles.
Through the diary he had his ups and downs, but he was depressed, undoubtedly extremely depressed.
I can imagine how bad can it be if someone lost passion and desire in life.
January 23, 2023
‘’The majority is always wrong, and the minority of supermen and degenerates—Zolas, Ibsens, etc.—must band together and overthrow the whole damn system which drives the best, the most sincere and honest to suicide or starvation.’’
One of the most striking endings in a book I’ve read so far. I was in awe for how well articulated his manifesto was, and how an early 20th century work about the society is still relevant to this day. Frustrating yet consoling.
One of the most striking endings in a book I’ve read so far. I was in awe for how well articulated his manifesto was, and how an early 20th century work about the society is still relevant to this day. Frustrating yet consoling.
March 18, 2024
☆ 2.5/5 ☆. It seems unfortunate that the depressed and young Wallace managed to find some of the writings of Nietzsche, Schopenhauer but didn't find Dostoyevsky's "Notes From The Underground". He sounds like the fellow from that book. He blames his failures and his "unappreciated genius" on society, women, sex, and his family. He is constantly trapped in his mind, analyzing himself, but gives little thought to the idea that he may be the cause of his own problems. I do feel bad for Wallace. Most his flaws are likely the products of his mental illness and sexual addictions. It's unfortunate. His inflated sense of importance and intelligence is harder to emphasize with. It's decently written and entertaining enough. It provides a few interesting glimpses of NY and Cuba in 1913, more of this would have made for a more colorful novella. Nothing especially new or life-changing here honestly, except for perhaps the ending that is foretold in the book's title. Read it if you are very interested in turn of the last century depression. If it's the ending that intrigues you, Mishima did it better. It's free online in both formats.
October 12, 2017
I wonder if he tried exercising?
October 17, 2017
I liked the book, definitely a little freaky to find how similarly he describe his struggles with depression. I wish they would have gone into more detail on him after his last entry. Bittersweet.
July 25, 2018
I feel the suffering. The uncertainty. The intensity. But I can't help. He is already gone.
August 13, 2018
I listened to the audiobook. I loved it but wondered if it's a work of fiction or an actual diary.
December 3, 2018
100+ years later the themes surrounding why people make this decision are largely the same. An very compelling read for anyone in the mental health field.
August 19, 2020
well described of what happen inside internal war ... i think his was a smart man ... but what happen, freaking me out ... #goodread
September 26, 2021
ZzZzZzZzZzZz
May 25, 2023
References Strindberg’s The Dance of Death—ironically I read that the same day as I read this.
November 25, 2023
20. Yüzyıl incel'i
January 10, 2024
Man kann nicht das ganze Buch an einem Tag lesen, da es einen sehr zum Nachdenken und zur Selbstreflektion anregt.
February 12, 2023
I do read books, but I rarely truly enjoy one. I've enjoyed every page of this one. The fact that the author took his own life is what inclined me into reading this book. Being the same age as the author, I really felt what he was going through. I also read this book while I was suffering from burnout due to work and university, I believe this has contributed to why I liked it so much.
But, committing suicide is the extremest harm one can do to oneself. I could confidently say that there's a big chunk of society going through what the author went through if not worse, but, I guess hope is a dangerous.. Now, I'm not saying the author is a coward for taking his own life or belittling him, anyone is free to do whatever he desires with his self; but, suicide should be a last resort; I guess it was for the author for him saying "I truly tried to continue, to fool myself, but life cannot go on like this".
But, committing suicide is the extremest harm one can do to oneself. I could confidently say that there's a big chunk of society going through what the author went through if not worse, but, I guess hope is a dangerous.. Now, I'm not saying the author is a coward for taking his own life or belittling him, anyone is free to do whatever he desires with his self; but, suicide should be a last resort; I guess it was for the author for him saying "I truly tried to continue, to fool myself, but life cannot go on like this".
September 8, 2016
As one who lives with chronic depression, I found much in this book to which I could relate. I would request that all of the people who care to know what depression is or why people get suicidal should read this. Unfortunately, I know that most do not want to see this point of view. It is confusing, conflicting and downright dismal. No one would willingly choose to spend their time trying to understand such things.
That being said, I actually felt some joy in reading this, satisfied to feel somewhat understood. That doesn't happen for me often. Clearly someone with intimate knowledge of that cruel disease wrote or consulted on the writing of such a piece of work. I am glad this novel exists and that I found it.
That being said, I actually felt some joy in reading this, satisfied to feel somewhat understood. That doesn't happen for me often. Clearly someone with intimate knowledge of that cruel disease wrote or consulted on the writing of such a piece of work. I am glad this novel exists and that I found it.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews