At the Broken Places: A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces

by Mary Collins, Donald Collins

In this collaborative memoir a mother and trans son reflect on the emotionally complex journey they shared as Donald transitioned from female to male.
In At the Broken Places, a parent and transgender son recount wrestling with their differences as Donald Collins undertook medical treatment options to better align his body with his gender identity. As a parent, Mary Collins didn't agree with her trans son's decision to physically alter his body, although she supported his right to realize himself as a person. Raw and uncensored, each explains her or his emotional mindset at the time: Mary felt she had lost a daughter; Donald activated his authentic self. Both battled to assert their rights. A powerful memoir and resource, this book offers a road map for families in transition.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Transgender, Queer, Essays, Queer Lit

192 pages, Paperback

First published April 25, 2017

Reviews

[Ai Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

I need to establish some things off the bat in reviewing this book: 1) I received it through the Early Reviewers program at LibraryThing, and am grateful to Beacon Press for the free copy of the book; 2) I'm a cafab non-binary person who, like Donald, came out while at boarding school in 2011, which means I am going to go into this book with certain feelings.

All of this being said: this book was a difficult read for me, especially the essays written by Mary, and much of my difficulty is informed by my own experience socially transitioning at a young age. At one point I wrote that her struggles with Donald's transitions seemed to have little to do with his trans identity, and much, much more with the idea that he was no longer under her control at 16 (or subsequently at 18) and could do with his body what he wanted. She kept referring to him making these choices, especially medical choices, without her consent, despite the fact that he did not pursue medical transition before the age of 18; her claims that therapists and doctors interfered with her parenting seemed to completely ignore the fact that at the time he made these decisions, he was a legal adult, and he did not go through that process without any gatekeeping, as his chapters make explicitly clear.

In all of this, Donald comes out looking comparatively level-headed and remarkably reflective; he is able to acknowledge the pain his mother went through throughout her transition, including the ways he hurt her, while also holding the same space for his own pain--to put it neatly, he has created the "middle ground" she demands be opened, while her essays leave her claiming "discrimination" from people who were more supportive of her son than she was. I want to be clear that I don't think she doesn't have important things to say, but it is incredibly telling to me that it is Donald who makes the all-too-telling assessment that his mother experienced "the bigger, more abstract fear that [he] needed something she couldn't give and that [he] would seek it out wherever [he] could find it, whether she was included or not." He follows this observation with an incredible insight: "I have to admit, she was right."

And that to me is where the miss in this book came; Mary's rigid insistence that she had been slighted, or abandoned, or kept out of the process of Donald's transition seems to block her from articulating what to me is a huge piece of misunderstanding between trans children and their cis parents, and between children and parents more generally: parents cannot always provide everything for their children that their children need. (It seems important to note that I came to this book less than a week after I finished Alison Bechdel's Are You My Mother?, which I would call a readalike with this book.) Donald seems in what I would call his best essay ("Hidden Fees") to understand and even almost articulate that point, while Mary is too caught up trying to explain the why behind her actions and feelings without really digging into the why within herself.

What bumped this book up from two stars to three for me (beyond Donald's last essay, which I am very impressed with) were two things, the first being the section at the back, especially the interviews with trans people, which were delightful as a trans person because it is so rare to see communication between community members in print, but also because it gives a wider variety of narratives for parents who did struggle with their feelings about their children's identities. Being able to step outside Mary's seeming lake of self-pity helped generate a broader sympathy for the parents of trans children (though I should note that trans children and adults are often discouraged, and in some cases are legally prohibited, from being their true authentic selves for the sake of their parents, a thought which never seems to cross any of the parents' minds.) The second thing was how much this made me reflect on my own relationship with my parents, as a trans child who came out at the same time as Donald (literally down to the year- it's almost spooky!) I will be handing off my copy to my mother and then hopefully give it to my father, in the hopes of generating a conversation that we never had about their feelings about my transition (were they more inclined to accept me because I told them a year before I came out socially and changed my name? because I was quick to reassure them that medical transition, if an option at all for me, was not in my immediate future? because they understood or knew their understanding didn't really matter?) That is definitely in-line with the series theme, and so I do think it was worth it from that perspective.

[Caroline · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book from a Goodreads Giveaway. I feel very conflicted about this book. I am a transgender ally and as such I am 100% in support of Donald and the choices he made to transition. So I was very frustrated that his mother, an educated and seemingly progressive woman, had such resistance to using correct pronouns, was so opposed to the physical aspects of his transition, and was so angry that medical professionals and counselors wouldn't take her opinions into consideration and instead listened to and respected her son's decisions. At one point, Donald writes "My mother felt cast aside and disrespected when other families provided the support and encouragement she could not." What did she expect? I can't really sympathize with her when she refused to accompany her son to surgeries and at one point wouldn't even let him come home.

On the other hand, as the mother of a daughter, who is my only child, I understand her sense of loss and grief (even though she was REALLY hung up on "losing" her daughter - like, hello, you realize this is the same person, right?!) and realize that, even though I hope and believe that if this was my experience, I would support my child with (much) less resistance, I would no doubt experience and have to process the same sense of grief that she describes. I think she is just very raw and real in the way she talks about her experience which is actually probably a good thing as I feel that this differentiates the book from others and probably more closely echoes the internal emotions of a lot of parents of transgender kids. Though it was a difficult read at times, I do think that it's a helpful book in getting allies and advocates to think about ways to decrease the number of trans kids that are kicked out by working specifically on ways to increase parent and family members' understanding and acceptance, even when that means validating their feelings of confusion, fear, and resistance.

[Meg · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really didn't care for this book and would not recommend it. Mainly it was the mother's chapters I didn't like - the narrative voice was so whiny and self-absorbed. Clearly she did not get the support that she needed during her son's gender transition, and clearly it was hard for her to watch her young adult son making choices she didn't agree with, and that's totally valid. But she goes into ridiculous territory with hyperbolic claims that her human rights were violated because she didn't get to have a voice about her son's gender transition once he turned 18. That she faced "discrimination" because she was not on board with the transition. That her right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty was violated when she was assumed to be homophobic and prejudiced for disagreeing with her son's choices. (She literally cites the UN convention on human rights in an attempt to claim these things.) Just, no. These claims are based on a complete misunderstanding of what those terms mean. Going through a difficult experience and having others challenge your perspective does not equal being persecuted and discriminated against.

Also, both mother and son recount their experiences, but it felt like there was a lack of actual dialogue between them. The interviews at the end (with other parents and trans young adults) were interesting but felt somewhat disconnected from the mother and son's accounts.

[ArchaeoLibraryologist · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was interesting, though I do feel a little conflicted about it. I liked how the story was told from both the point of view of the mother and the son. Having the mother's thoughts and feelings was interesting, especially since that's not something you typically get from a trans memoir. However, though I think she's now supportive of her son and has always been a loving parent, I do not agree with her constant insistence that entities that supported and assisted her son during his transitions (the school, medical offices, therapy, etc.) should have included her more in the conversation and thought process of what was happening with her son's transition, especially because she had shown such negative reactions to his decision. I can only image how challenging it must be from a parent's point of view and she has every right to have her own thoughts and feelings about what is happening to her child, but once he is legally an adult, she was not owed any kind of information or input. That's just a part of children growing up.

I'm glad things worked out between them, overall, and they were able to put together this book. Parents who are struggling with their child coming out as trans might find it comforting to know they are not alone in their questions and fears. On that note, I do agree with Mary in that there shouldn't be a black and white "if you're not with us you're against us" right off the bat. Transition is a process for both the individual and the family, and thoughts and feelings can change over time. Demonizing someone just because they having misgivings is never helpful.

[Heidi Gardner · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was so disappointed by this book. The parts written by Donald were insightful and interesting, and I wanted more of that. The parts written by his Mother were self-indulgent, tedious and unnecessary. Even in the interviews at the end of the book, it felt like Mary Collins was working to find people that agreed with her rather than people that challenged her. I’m a straight white cis female and the way she dealt with her son’s transition was shocking to me - at no point did I understand where she was coming from, I just felt sorry for Donald. Also Mary references the fact that she’s a writer multiple times - this didn’t feel like a project aiming to heal her relationship with her son, it felt like she was exploiting her child’s painful experience in an effort to advance her career as an author. Hopefully Donald will write alone next time; I’d be interested in hearing more about his experiences.

[Austen · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone who works in education and support for families with trans youth, I really appreciate the soul-bearing honestly both Donald and Mary Collins present in this book. Their commitment to communication and to each other is a powerful thing to witness. As a transgender person myself, I resonated with much of what Donald shares in his chapters, but I was hoping that I would get a chance to better understand the grief a parent often feels when their child comes out by reading Mary's account of her process. Unfortunately, Mary's chapters felt more like extended defense statements, rather than a story about how she traveled through different emotions and events. She comes back to two positions throughout the book, the first being that she feels she didn't have enough control over her child's life (starting at age 16, and seemingly leading up through his early adulthood), and the second being a belief that there should be much more support for family members who do not immediately and totally affirm their trans child. While that first point made it increasingly hard for me to be sympathetic, the second point is one I agree with wholeheartedly.

I would honestly hesitate to recommend this book to many trans folks, despite Donald's helpful and well-written chapters, specifically because Mary's chapters can be so hard to read (she repeatedly talks about elements of medical transition in words that fall only just short of things like "mutilation," for example). I don't know if this book would be a healthy thing for parents in the early stages of understanding either, because Mary's chapters present a couple of actions that could be incredibly harmful (kicking a child out of the house, for one) as if they might be perfectly acceptable actions for a parent to do during their own healing process. She briefly acknowledges the astronomically high suicide and murder rate for trans people, while at the same time asking why trans people are the ones receiving help at the expense of cisgender family members. Where I do think this book shines is in offering a sort of stand-in for parents who have a hard time expressing their grief or anger or anxiety about their child's transition. It gives words to those who might have a hard time finding them, and it might offer some catharsis. While I agree with Mary that the ideal situation would be a support system that covers and equally affirms all family members, the reality is that we must tend to the physical safety, housing, food, clothing, and medical needs of those at the most risk (trans people) before we can begin to focus on the mental and emotional health of cisgender family members.

[Travis · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wish I had read the reviews before picking this up. From the title and summary I had thought it was about a mother who struggled with her son's transition initially, but was now accepting. It is not.

She is now tolerant of her son being trans. She has not cut him out of her life. She grudgingly refers to him by his chosen name and most of the time by the correct pronouns. But she is still actively transphobic, still resentful of those who fully accept her son as he is, and furthermore, she is very controlling. She bemoans the fact that she was not able to rigidly control her child's life and choices, both as an older teen and even after he was an adult.

Her chapters are very difficult to read, filled with "why me?" and "poor me" and "but aren't cis parents truly the marginalized ones?" She is very into parents' rights, and how parents should be able to control their children even into adulthood, and expresses uncomfortableness with the fact that the only people she can find with those views when googling seem to be on the far right and doesn't want to be associated with them, but doesn't take that as a clue to examine her beliefs.

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this to be very informative and it gave me more perspective on trans lives and issues than I had to start - a definite plus. Mary’s (the mom’s) chapters were less engaging, but I understood her grief and loss to an extent, as I am a mother who has always wanted a “daughter.” I find it interesting that Mary and Donald say this project helped them come to a better understanding of each other and helped their relationship because I didn’t see that much connection. I recognize mostly acknowledgement without emotion, which doesn’t make for an engaging book, for me, just an intellectual one. There’s nothing wrong with that, but as a reader I like to connect to the characters/subjects, to feel for them in some capacity and I did not really on any level. Nonetheless, I devoured this book, as it was intellectually stimulating and informative in how I can show more compassion to my students and my child.

[Max · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was difficult for me to read, mostly because of the sections from the mother's perspective. I do agree with some of the points she made, such as that there should be more/better resources that aim to increase empathy between trans kids and their parents. However, I picked this book up in the hope that it would show the journey of an initially unaccepting parent coming to wholeheartedly accept their child. As Mary spent chapter upon chapter referring to her son with the wrong pronouns, talking about how the other people in his life (support groups, doctors, counselors, teachers, etc.) should have prevented him from pursuing his transition and should have continued to call him by the wrong name and pronouns, and mourning the "loss of her daughter", I hoped that she would stop and say something like, "That's what I used to think, but now I realize that Donald is still the same person, I can't make his decisions for him, and I shouldn't have tried to", but she never really did.

I understand to some degree how parents can think that they're losing someone when their child comes out to them as trans, but (and this is something that was frustrating in my own coming out) they're really not. People change constantly throughout their lives, and if anything is lost, it's an idealized image that their child probably never would have been, even if they weren't trans. I wanted the mother to realize this, and it was frustrating to me that she really didn't seem to.

Aside from all that, I really enjoyed the interview section at the end of the book. It was nice to see a lot of different perspectives documented. I also enjoyed reading Donald's essays.

[Em]

I'm going to need time to process this book. I think it's a good resource for parents & guardians of trans kids struggling to understand gender identity, transition, etc. I'm not a parent, so I can't speak to the depths of grief Mary Collins felt, but there are some statements she made that I felt were hyperbolic and misinformed, that I definitely disagreed with. I'd even go as far to say that there were, for me, a non-binary adult, a few triggering moments, a word I don't use lightly. (Like, please don't use "it" to refer to a person, ever. That only happened once or twice in the whole book, but it was gross.) Donald is an excellent writer. I hope he writes a million more books. Mary and Donald interviewed other parents and trans folks, respectively, and those are great additions to their narrative. Donald compiled a list of further reading resources in the endnote, and they're solid. I think it's good that this book exists. I'm not starring it because it wasn't necessarily "for" me, but I do think parents of trans kids might benefit from it.

[vibratoryblurriness · Rating 2 out of 5]

My mom gives me stuff like this sometimes because I'm trans myself (although non-binary, not a trans man like in this book), and occasionally I can bring myself to read some of it. I was immediately wary on seeing the blurb on the back cover, and it turned out to be everything I was afraid of. The parts written by the son are decent and are the only reason I gave this more than one star. The mother's chapters, on the other hand, are chock full of the kind of bullshit trans people have to deal with from cis people on a daily basis, and it's infuriating to read. There's a ton of misgendering and entitlement and acting like her rights have been violated because she doesn't have control over another person's body and life, and my friends had to convince me to stop reading before reaching the end because it was making me too upset. The main value of this book is serving as an example of how not to think about, write about, or talk to trans people.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really applaud Mary and Donald's openness about such a difficult and complex topic. Even though Mary was not being supportive in most of Donald's transition, she can see that and is truthful about her struggles so that hopefully this book can help someone like her in the future, and I think that's something good.

[Odile · Rating 1 out of 5]

As a fellow young trans person, I had quite a hard work time finishing this book. Which is why after a while trying, I didn’t.

[Dave Kirschner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up this book because I was impressed with Mary Collins other book, and this was a topic that I admit I had not made great strides in searching out in the past.

I would first and foremost like to point out that Mary Collins has a way of writing that makes some if her prose give information quickly, and with a professional candor, and other times can put forward a phrase that hits me like a ton of bricks.

I found the willingness of both parties to come out honestly with their struggles and experiences brave and it was eye opening to see the options trans people have, and the struggles that go along with them. Donald's writing on the struggles of allies begrudging his luck and pointing out how much more he could do showed the double edge of internet support.

What really stuck out the most, was the struggle in coming to terms with these changes. Do you miss the person they were? How can a parent not grieve as their child discards so much of the life they had. I have often thought that the hard line "support or you're wrong" mentality I see around the subject stops discourse, and through that learning.

That being said, Donald's struggles and the picture of the weight this must be on a person shows a lot of how they sometimes need support from their family, and can't both make themselves comfortable as well as their families.

A truly eye opening read, and one I would highly recommend to anyone looking for more information on the subject.

[Lizzi Skalka · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m an acquaintance of the author’s, who now goes by Blake, and I knew him in high school so I’m a bit biased, but his mother (and co-author) is a very difficult person for me to emphasize with. I have no children and I’ve certainly never raised a trans child as a single parent, but I take issue with the ways that she frames and talks about Blake’s transition. Her portions of the book bemoan the ways that Blake’s transition has harmed her, and even trampled on her rights. She refused to let her son into her home when he started HRT, likening him to a drug addict, and when he got bottom surgery, she opted out of his care completely, electing instead to sit home and burn his baby pictures.
I don’t doubt that she experienced grief. In disability circles we often talk about the ways we grieve the person we thought we would be. But Blake is still the same person with the same interests, memories, and values that he was as a kid. She writes as if her child is dead, when he’s standing in front of her asking for acceptance.
I don’t doubt that Mary loves her son. And the point of the book is that there is nuance between acceptance and rejection of your child’s identity. I only hope she has found a way to understand that Blake didn’t transition to hurt her. He didn’t ask his friends and his school administrators to honor his new name and pronouns as a way to ice out his mother. When someone is forced to live as something they’re not, their life is at risk. He needed to transition as an act of self-preservation. As they continue to heal their relationship, I hope that Mary can understand that.

[Magdelanye · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a curious book, attempting to bridge a gap that opened up between this mother and her daughter when he decided that actually, they were her son. Its getting that extra star for the courage this family has shown in publishing their side by side accounts, and their determination to salvage the love that wasnt always evident.

For all that its not a warm fuzzy book, it is a new kind of example of reconciliation.

[Sophie Graham · Rating 3 out of 5]

The parts of this book written by Donald were incredibly valuable, but for the most part I couldn’t stand the parts written by the mother. She seems to value Donald primarily as an extension of her own identity and THATS how she justifies being against his transition which seems super narcissistic to me? She says her goal is to provide a resource for struggling parents, but unfortunately she pads anything worthwhile in this book with transphobic, self-centred rhetoric. Wouldn’t recommend.

[Amy Balaich · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir was beautiful, vulnerable and eye-opening. It showed the struggles that trans people go through as well as the struggles of the parents and the need for more support for both groups.

[Katie J Schwartz · Rating 3 out of 5]

At the Broken Places: A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces is a back-and-forth essay project between a mother and her transgender son--an attempt at understanding each other's points of view. The book also includes some short interviews with other transgender people and parents of transgender children, in an effort to broaden the conversation past one relationship.

First, let me preface this review by saying that I am not transgender, nor am I a parent of a transgender person. So, take my opinions with however many grains of salt you'd like to give them.

My Thoughts:

Donald is a very good writer. His essays are thoughtful, measured, and honest, but still a hint reserved (which is fine--he's not obligated to reveal everything). I was already familiar with a lot of the ideas and terms that are used in this book, but had never read anything this in-depth from the perspective of someone who is transgender. I found Donald's essays very interesting and enlightening, and I also appreciated that he included a supplementary reading list at the back of the book (I'm always a sucker for reading lists).

I struggled more with Mary's essays. And I tried, I really did, to appreciate and understand her point of view. For example, she wrote about needing to mourn the loss of her daughter, and that was a perspective that I would have never considered on my own. However, so much of what she had to say came off as self-centered and entitled to her child's body. There was an enormous focus on, "Why isn't anybody considering how this affects me?" and that was something I couldn't brush off. Overall, she came off as a very controlling parent, who perhaps doesn't realize how controlling she actually is.

I don't think that it's remiss to say that there should be support groups for parents who are angry/scared/not on board with their child's decisions. I absolutely think that should be a structure that's in place. It probably would help with issues like depression, homelessness, and suicide, which the transgender community faces in greater numbers than anyone else.

However, I disagree with her stance on valuing the needs of the family over the needs of the individual. Coming from a home governed by an authoritarian parent, I've seen firsthand how quickly "the needs of the family" turns into "the needs of me, the parent."

While I think this book would definitely be helpful to families who are struggling with topics of transgenderism, anyone who has had a particularly tough time with their parents should tread with some amount of caution.

Three Stars: Good, but not fantastic. I'll still recommend it, but only if I'm certain that person will like it.

I received my copy of At the Broken Places: A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces through a Goodreads First Reads Giveaway, in exchange for an honest review.

[Miron · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will be honest and admit that I had very low expectations for this book. Yet I was pleasantly surprised and would have been no matter what I was possibly expecting.

I want to first and foremost praise this book for being modern and knowledgeable, acknowledging (whether or not directly) that intersex and nonbinary trans people have a very real existence. This acknowledgment is despite the fact that the transgender person in question here, Donald, is a 'perisex' binary transman.

But perhaps more importantly, this book proves very useful. This is a collaboration memoir. Not a self-help book, not a counseling guide. But a memoir. But with the "bathroom rights" debate resurfacing, with Milo Trainwreck Yiannopoulos perpetually spouting his ignorance, and alt-right members popping up anytime queer people are mentioned, this memoir is an enlightening and comforting read.

In addition to that, I applaud the layout and structure of the book. The fact that Mary is sharing HER experiences as well is original and could save a child-parent relationship somewhere out there. Especially when her story can be seen to parallel with Donald's. Their feelings and experiences go back-and-forth in a way that is very easy and natural to read, and keeps the reader's sympathy and empathy 'up' or 'fresh' for both Mary and Donald regardless of which essay the reader happens to be reading at the time.

And finally, this book is realistic. It portrays the raw diversity in human emotion and reaction, and is full of awareness. It isn't (thank god) one of those "I've been throwing away dolls and ripping off dresses since I was born and also I'm chronically depressed and my parents don't get it" narratives countered with a "She was born with a vagina so she is female, anything else is nonsense and I am mad" explanations. There is actual depth and layering. Furthermore, there is a tangible HUMANITY in both Mary and Donald.

The extra interviews in the second half of the book only added to the expression of reality and depth to human life and were certainly a positive addition.

[Arthur · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you're a trans person reading this hoping to get some insight into your parents' (mother's) thought process during your coming out / transitioning, skip Mary's essays entirely unless you just want to deal with endless self-victimization, a complete lack of empathy or self-awareness, and start to worry maybe your parents feel like that too and you're committing huge, unforgivable transgressions by expecting to be treated fairly and with respect, putting your safety over their fragile little feelings, and moving forward in your transition.

I might try to go back and read the last of Donald's essays, but I had to put it down and call my mother after reading Mary's chapter "Rights" which should have been named "Entitlement." I don't understand how one person can be so self-centered to the point of refusing to let her son come home for months, then having the audacity to get mad at another parent for "judging her" because that woman thought she abandoned her child, which is really very inaccurate because all she did was literally abandon her child :/ that mean, mean woman's reaction was SO judgmental and hurtful. (said woman in question is the one who took Donald in and let him stay at her home while Mary refused to speak to or house him, just to make it extra clear how delusional Mary is)

I really just don't have the emotional energy to write out all the ways Mary's essays focus solely on her pain and insist she isn't homophobic and transphobic about 1000x more often than she tosses a crumb of empathy toward her only child, so I encourage any potential readers to either check out other reviews written by people with more spoons than me or skip her sections entirely.

Oh, and the star rating is an average: 0 stars for Mary, 5 stars for Donald, so 3 stars total. it's almost as shitty of a compromise as calling your transgender son's school and insisting they call out his deadname and put it on his diploma if they're going to let him wear a suit instead of a dress.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

At the Broken Places is a memoir of a trans son and his mother and their journey through his transition.
What I most appreciated about this book was the honesty in it. Mary (the mother) is incredibly honest about her struggles in accepting Donald's transition and how left out she felt as a struggling parent of a trans teen. Donald was very open about his struggles with having little parental support and his own complex feelings towards his mother. I feel like reading this book gave me a more nuanced view of trans lives and family relationships and how complicated those can be. This book made me really interested in reading and learning more. As someone who doesn't know many trans individuals, I feel like this book really opened my eyes to a lot of the struggles and difficulties trans individuals can face and also what their families are going through.
I also feel like this book is an excellent resource for families with a relative in transition. Mary speaks openly about her feelings of grief over "losing" a daughter and her conflicting feelings about gaining a son. If a parent or relative of a trans individual can't identify with her specific experience, that's okay - the Collins include stories of other parents of trans teens and of trans individuals to show many different experiences, thoughts, and perspectives on working as a family to transition. This is a powerful resource for individuals looking to learn more about transgender issues or to feel support from a relative of a trans individual.

[Jennifer Lavoie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I taught this in a class on transgender literature. The book was good, but I won’t lie, it was difficult to read Mary’s perspective. Donald has a very good voice and it felt like talking to a friend, but when reading what Mary had written, I often felt angry. My students also struggled with that part of the book, but when evaluating the text as a whole we discussed the importance of hearing both sides of the story. The book was especially tough for my trans students or their partners.

[O.D.S. O.D.S. · Rating 1 out of 5]

i feel as if this is a little outdated for my preferences. the essays written my donald’s mother upset me to the point where i felt i shouldn’t read on. i feel that as a tool for education, it may pose to be more damaging than useful

[Sal Lilienthal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five Stars! BUCKLE UP for Collins’ heart-wrenching roller coaster. For me, At the Broken Places was about grieving and loss, as Mary and Donald’s “painfully honest” breath stopping story unfolded.

[Sophia · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF at 50%. The mother's chapters were incredibly whiny and so self absorbed it was painful to read.

[Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

My thoughts on this book are the same as many other reviewers, in that while it's 100% valid to struggle and mourn with a family member transitioning, the majority of Mary's essays are all very woe-is-me, I'm the only victim, I'm so disrespected, etc. to the point of it being borderline insufferable.

I feel that Mary really needs to move on. It has been 6-7 years since her son, who cowrote the book, has transitioned. He did everything in a reasonable time frame and was very considerate of her feelings if I do say so myself. Yet even after these 6 years, Mary still disapproves of him having a hysterectomy, even if it's clearly going to benefit him, on top of him choosing to have that operation specifically because he had a bad health encounter with a ruptured ovary.

Overall, she seems the most upset about not having control of her (adult) child. She is very angry and upset that even after turning 18, she cannot control what Donald chooses to do with his body or how he lives his life. She does not think this is fair. She is consistently telling him to hold off and not do anything, first when he's in high school, telling him to wait until he's in college, and then when he's in college, she tells him to wait until college is over! It seems that she wants to delay the inevitable and hold off on her son living an authentic life, even though he is of age to do whatever he pleases. I'm glad that he stands up for himself.

Is Mary allowed to be upset, angry, to mourn her child's transition, to grieve? Yes, absolutely, no doubt about it. These initial feelings are valid and will last months if not years with many parents and family members. It is a major life difference. It will take time to adjust to. Again, can take years for parents to fully come around to. This is expected. This is normal. But I'm so bothered by the fact that throughout the years, she can clearly see how this has a positive effect on her child, that it's turning him into a better and happier person, and still try to convince him otherwise that he needs to slow down or that he doesn't need to do X thing that he wants to pursue to better his wellbeing. Usually at this point is when things begin to change for a parent, when they see how much more alive their child becomes. With Mary it does not appear to be the case. She is still clinging to someone who will never be. Even her relatives are telling her, she needs to accept it, and it's out of her control not only because it's not her choice, but because Donald is an adult, and he can choose to do what he pleases with his life.

Will this book help and benefit people, whether transitioning, or having a loved one transition? Most likely... but hopefully the reader realizes that it's not healthy to cling to something that works for you but isn't going to work for the one you love, or the rest of the people around you, the way Mary does. I enjoyed Donald's essays, and I think he's a very patient, kind person, based on his contributions. I think he is a great example of doing what you need to do to make yourself happy, even if your loved one cannot understand, while also trying to be considerate to them and their feelings on the subject.

[Raymond · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up from my local library, as I was looking to learn more about transgender and transitioning, both as a psychologist (recently retired after 40+ years), and because a friend has a younger grandchild transitioning. And I have 4 children and 5 grandhildren, and the issue has arisen, though at the moment is in 'remission' for lack of a better term.

I found the book helpful and interesting. I did pour thru MANY of the reviews, from 1 to 5 stars. Quite interesting to read the different opinions! My overall take is that both mother and son make exellent points. I truly hate choosing sides, so to speak, though many here do...I like the format of the book, alternating chapters between parent and child. I learned a good amount, and so I am grateful that that goal was achieved. Although likely not the best book concerning this subject, I believe that it is a good one and is worth the read. I don't hesitate to recommend it.

Do I understand transitioning better? No. In fact I was a bit MORE confused (maybe just me with further questions)? Hence I am reading Susan Stryker's book on transgender history to learn more. The terminology (to me) can become rather confusing...and I do have some experience in clinical practice with the topic - though VERY little.

I can understand the son, and the need for acceptance, yet contrary to many on here, I can relate to the mother just as well. Her confusion - well, I can see myself in her. So, no sense writing a review if not honest. I as a parent of 4 can definitely relate to Mary Collins. I do think that she did her best, and it is very encouraging that they were able to come together and write this book. There are many reviews on here that I simply do not agree with, and I wonder what their real life experience is with this subject? Or are they simply expressing their opinion / beliefs - perfectly fine, not a problem.

I enjoyed the Story exchanges at the end of the book - lengthy yet helpful. The mother / son part of the book is only 118pp. Another point is that Donald's reading list at the end is very helpful - BUT providing the year of publication would have helped conserably, IMHO. There is a decent listing of sources, and that does include dates / years and I find that to be helpful at the very end.

Addendum: I am very curious about the role of *social media* in all of this, thus have been tracking any stories, books, etc., etc. Stryker's book (which I am trying to get through) is very comprehensive and may answer more of my questions through its' historical context of 'transgender history'. Overall, this is a solid read for me and I stick with my 4* review. There are now MANY books available - if this is not for you - keep looking, you will find something more suitable. A complex topic, and in this country and the world in 2024, a controversial one to say the least.

[Eleanor · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. Donald's chapters are well written and insightful, however, Mary's chapters are very difficult to read as they are quite transphobic, even if she would likely think they are not.

While making some interesting points, I don't think this book should be used as a resource for parents who are navigating their child coming out as trans, and may have some transphobia to unlearn and work through; the reason being that Mary doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong, or if she does she doesn't really admit it at any point in the book. She mostly uses her chapters to criticize others, pity herself, and justify and excuse her own behaviour.

She has plenty of blame to give out, to medical professionals, schools, and other families who accepted her son when she did not and cut her out of the conversation, and while those criticisms can be useful to understanding where the "unaccepting parent" is coming from, they don't seem to help a parent understand how to do a better job for their child.

After reading her chapters, my take away is that she seems to think that we need a middle ground and a compromise between trans youth and their parents who have issues with them transitioning. She seems to think that she has done her part on compromising: she at one point kicked her son out of the house but now is happy to have him home; and if parents can compromise then their kids should too. I do not agree.

In a world that constantly tries to erase trans folks, and barely allows them to legally exist, asking trans kids to compromise to make their parents more comfortable is problematic and unhelpful and not the solution at all.

Should we have more resources and education for parents who have a hard time accepting their children's identities? Yes. Mary does make some good points, but she seems to be missing some understanding and also has some very problematic ideas. What really stood out to me is that she doesn't seem to acknowledge how much she must have hurt her son, and instead focuses on how much she was hurt.

In summary, Donald's writing is very good, but the other half of this book is very problematic, and in my opinion would not be helpful to a parent who is struggling to understand and accept their trans child. Instead, that parent would likely find justification and validation for their own transphobia.

[Greg Chandler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very worthwhile read for any parent of a trans kid or anyone who works with these youths.
For those of us who accept trans-people for who they are - who they know themselves to be, it may seem lack and white: what they say goes. Parents who do not respect the transitions these youths go through tend to be seen as unsupportive, maybe even homophobic (trans-phobic).

By sharing a dialogue between parent and child, the Coillinses have provided insight into both sides of the story, and there are two sides.

For a parent whose child is transitioning to another gender/sex, there is a loss. The child they've known is gone, replaced by a new child. A son replaces a daughter or vice-versa. Of course, this is still the same person, realizing the self that they knew existed but which was hidden by the sex assigned at birth.

But even accepting this, a parent can't be blamed for feeling a loss. Feelings are not logical. A mother can welcome, support and love their new son, while mourning the loss of the daughter.

Mary Collins also sees the new acceptance of gay/trans people as sometimes interfering with the parent-child relationship. When her daughter started to go by "Donnie" at school and came out as trans, the school personnel did not share this information with her, because Donnie was over 16. At college, and over 18, Donnie was free to make medical decisions on his own and to initiate gender reassignment surgeries without parental consent. Ms. Collins expresses concern that someone so young can make life-altering decisions on their own, and that she was left out of the discussion.

Our country labels us adults at 18. We can vote, sign contracts and enlist and die for our country at that tender age. If parents want to have influence on their adult children, they can only do so by consent. It requires a respectful two-sided dialogue between the individuals. "Because I'm your mom" know longer carries water.

This is a sensitive, nuanced dialogue. Well worth reading.