Well-well-well, isn't this golden:
Q:
“There I was in the Middle East for months at a time, and Americans back home couldn’t do anything but bitch: bitch that the war was too expensive; bitch that the war was illegal; bitch that we blew up the wrong people; bitch that the war was about oil. Oil! Hell, if there’s a good reason to fight a war, oil is it. I’d personally kill half the frickin’ Middle East for dollar-a-gallon oil. How in the hell are Sean Penn and Michael Moore gonna fly around in their private jets without oil? Of course, everyone thinks it’s just fine to deploy the military to Bosnia, or Darfur, or Somalia, just as long as there’s nothing to actually gain from the use of force — it’s got to be one hundred percent feel-good, like some kinda Meals on Humvee Wheels. God forbid there’s actually some national interest at stake.”
“So you bagged it.”
“Hell yeah, I bagged it,” he said. “Americans have become a bunch of pansies. And there’s no good reason for it! Think of it, Lowe! We Americans spring from hearty stock. We’re the grandchildren of men and women who plowed a freakin’ nation out of an entire continent filled with oak trees, boulders, and raging rivers. Our forefathers saddled and broke the biggest, baddest symbolic bronco in history. They walked straight up to that grizzly bear called Danger and bitch-slapped him around the meadow, then made him vacuum the den before he could leave.”
I sat there, wishing Tom had a national radio talk show.
“At some point,” Tom continued, “we stuck a needle in our arm and drained out all our good junkyard dawg American mutt blood. We became a nation of whining, sniveling, complaining, suing, Prozac-gobbling, label-warning, non-spanking, airbag-surrounded, water-conserving, designated-driving, emailing geeks.”
“Tom,” I said, “I’m thinkin’ about amblin’ over there and kissin’ you on the lips.” (c)
Do color me impressed with this nice lil' dialogue.
Q:
“Why the Elvis Doctrine?”
“Get a pen,” Tom said, “and write down the names of the countries we’ve fought for or against since JFK. Put ’em one to a line, stacked on top of each other.”
Tom dictated:
El Salvador
Libya
Vietnam
Iraq, part 1
Somalia
Iran
Serbia
Kuwait
Iraq, part 2
Nicaragua
Grenada
“So?” I asked.
“Would you not consider that the most bizarre collection of enemies in history?”
“Yeah, but in each case there was —”
“Think about it, man. There’s got to be a connection.”
“National security?”
“Ah, yes — I get quaking in my boots thinking about that list of A-Team tough guys.”
“Well, what is it?”
“Look at the first letter of each country’s name.”
E.L.V.I.S. I.S. K.I.N.G. (c) LOL! Nice mnemonics!
The rest is also an entertaining exploration of blue collar world seen through a white collar burnout eyes. I guess, now we know the ins and outs.
I was a bit weirded out that the guy with his experience didn't seem to know the concept of 'overqualification' being the likely culprit for him not getting replies from the 'big box' companies. Or did he downplay his quals all the time, not just for the fast food industry? Dunno, it was a bit scketchy on these details.
Some more goldies:
Q:
Lots of people overcome horrifying adversity to succeed in life, so why wouldn’t I?
Because I’m just a person — not an exceptional person.Exceptional people overcome adversity, and rewrite their destiny, and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Exceptional people overcome poor parenting, and emotional scarring, and dirt-poor poverty. Exceptional people rise from the wreckage of their past to succeed. But regular people — people like me — well, we just cruise along with the hand we are dealt. We take the punches and stay on our feet, but there’s no Cinderella Man inside. We do the best we can, and when life happens, it happens. Maybe you’re an exceptional person, but most of us aren’t. Most of us are just trying to get through the day, with enough money to pay the bills and buy some beer.
For me, bottom line? You take a childhood of betrayal, and raw deals, and abuse, and negativity . . . and you shove that down my throat before I’m eighteen? I’m not walking into the Burger World to experience it. I’m walking in because they’re hiring, and it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the energy to look elsewhere. (c)
Lots of cool points, check these out:
Q:
The advertising game is the only business on the planet where potential clients think they’re doing you a huge favor by giving you the opportunity to work for them for free. This occurs when, with great pomp and ceremony, a desirable advertising client announces they are undergoing an “agency review,” which allows advertising agencies to “pitch” their business. What does this entail? It’s too mind-boggling to describe realistically. Instead, let me offer this analogy from the legal profession:
CLIENT WHO NEEDS A LAWYER: Thank you for coming today, gentlemen. I see we have four different law firms represented. Excellent. As you might know, I’ve been charged with trafficking in cocaine, conspiracy to commit murder, and attempted bribery of a federal law enforcement officer. And I’m guilty. So, I’ve called you all together to offer each of you the chance to work for me. In three weeks, each of you will be allowed to present your detailed ideas for my defense, which you will argue in front of a mock jury of my choosing. I will pick one firm to represent me, and that firm will get paid for the work they’ve already done. The rest of you will be paid nothing . . . but you can take pride in knowing you had a reputation good enough to be invited to this pitch. Are there any questions or comments?LAWYERS: Just one: if you have a choice, tell your cellmate you want to be the husband. (c)
Q:
You know the drill: no matter what your job, if you make good money then it’s virtually guaranteed you’re swallowing grenades for clients or bosses who don’t appreciate your efforts. You endure the madness for the opportunity to make more money, because more money buys more stuff. (c)
Q:
Then it occurred to me there were lots of other equally mysterious regular-guy jobs: How about being an Ice Cream Scooper Guy? Or a fast-food employee? Or a construction worker? Or a MegaMart associate? Or a golf caddy?
These are all crap jobs no one wants, but tens of thousands of people have to do them. If they didn’t, hell . . . the American economy would collapse. You could lay off half the white-collar people in the United States and nothing bad would happen; in fact, productivity would probably skyrocket! Imagine, if you will, the banishment of every personal injury lawyer, every pollster, every person in advertising and public relations, every sports and entertainment agent, every real estate developer (and nine out of ten Realtors), every local newscasting team, every government bureaucrat, every HMO administrator, and every person with a business card that even hints of middle management. What do you think would happen?
And you’re right . . . jack-nothing would happen. (c)
Q:
BRAND MANAGER: Hmmm . . . is “perfect” a strong enough word?
ASSISTANT VP OF SALES: How about “extraordinary”?
ART DIRECTOR: Or “flawless”?
VP OF MARKETING: I think “delicious” is the right word. It has a food feel to it.
ASSISTANT VP OF MARKETING: Another great idea, boss!
OPERATIONS MANAGER: Will our people on the front lines embrace it?
VP OF FINANCE: Do extra letters cost more?
ASSISTANT TO CEO: The Big Guy wants results from this poster . . .
BRAND MANAGER: Okay, let’s put together focus groups in Chicago, New York, Atlanta, Dallas, San Diego, and Des Moines. Everyone clear their calendars next week — this is hot, and we all need to be there. Everyone in?
CREATIVE DIRECTOR: Darn, can’t make it. I’ve decided to kill myself tonight.
Q:
The details of what transpired over the next two weeks are sketchy, but rumors in the legal community are that Tim Brady was served with over 175 lawsuits in sixteen days by twenty-six different law firms. The final straw apparently occurred when a semi-famous bounty hunter kicked in his front door and punched Tim in the face as a preemptive strategy. Fists quickly gave way to cold steel, then to hot lead. When the police arrived, they declared that it was the first white-collar gunfight they’d ever encountered, but due to the layers of legal representation, it was impossible to tie anyone to anything. In the end, the bounty hunter walked and was put on retainer by nine of the law firms involved.
Q: