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354 pages, Paperback
Published February 13, 2018
“In my brief time as a cop it had felt good, walking through that lobby beneath his photo. Now it only reminded me of a promise I’d broken, the breaking of which had made me better and happier, though not without a lingering sense of shame.”
“If only Kay of anyone else had been free – but they were all busy living it up. The entire population of the world was paired off, reeling drunkenly toward the doors of their rented suites, to fuck and tell each other sweet nothings. This was how I spent my time – peering through strangers’ windows. How I spent birthdays, holidays. Alone with the work. It was sick, perhaps, but it was a choice I’d make. Like Gill and his love of books.”
“Sonia Drego and Dana Essex were essentially different – one willful and sensual, thoughtful and at the same time heedless, while the other was a construction of tiny, overbought movements, a trapped inside an ice flow. Yet both had sent me on tasks I didn’t fully understand. Maybe they didn’t either. In any case, I wasn’t getting answers tonight.”
“When I was in grad school, I’d pass certain professors in the halls and know that, as learned as they were, they’d never lived. Some were bureaucrats, some socially inadequate. Some simply lived through the books they studied, and I liked those the best. Many were waiting for a proletarian revolution that wouldn’t happen in their lifetime. Those people were ghosts. I told myself I’d disguise myself as one of them, but I’d never become like them. I would live. And now, however many years later, here I am – I’ve decided myself into a spectral existence no different from theirs. Only I knew better, and chose it anyway.”