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I Want To Destroy Myself: A Memoir
Malika Amar Shaikh was born to Communist-activist parents—her father, Shahir Amar Shaikh, was a trade-union leader and legendary Marathi folk singer. Brought up amidst the hurly-burly of Maharashtrian politics of the 1960s, and exposed to the best and the brightest in Bombay’s cultural scene, Malika was a cosseted child, drawn to poetry and dance. She was barely out of school when she married Namdeo Dhasal, co-founder of the radical Dalit Panthers, and celebrated ‘poet of the underground’ who transformed Marathi poetry with his incendiary verse.
After the initial days of love, and the birth of their son, the marriage crumbled. Namdeo was an absent husband and father—given to drink, womanizing and violence—and uninterested in his family. And while he would repent his actions and his negligence, and they would make up, he never stopped or reformed. I Want to Destroy Myself is Malika’s searing, angry account of her life with Dhasal.
The unvarnished story of a marriage and of a woman and a writer seeking her space in a man’s world, Malika Amar Shaikh’s autobiography is also a portrait of the Bombay of poets, activists, prostitutes and fighters. There isn’t another memoir in Indian writing as honest and pitiless as this. Published originally in Marathi, it quickly became a sensation and vanished as quickly. Jerry Pinto’s superb translation revives this lost classic and makes it available for the first time in any language other than Marathi.
After the initial days of love, and the birth of their son, the marriage crumbled. Namdeo was an absent husband and father—given to drink, womanizing and violence—and uninterested in his family. And while he would repent his actions and his negligence, and they would make up, he never stopped or reformed. I Want to Destroy Myself is Malika’s searing, angry account of her life with Dhasal.
The unvarnished story of a marriage and of a woman and a writer seeking her space in a man’s world, Malika Amar Shaikh’s autobiography is also a portrait of the Bombay of poets, activists, prostitutes and fighters. There isn’t another memoir in Indian writing as honest and pitiless as this. Published originally in Marathi, it quickly became a sensation and vanished as quickly. Jerry Pinto’s superb translation revives this lost classic and makes it available for the first time in any language other than Marathi.
200 pages, Hardcover
First published June 1, 1984
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534 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
January 13, 2017
There are some conversations you hold onto for those are highly significant to your being.
While reading this memoir written by Malika Amar Shaikh and translated from Marathi by Jerry Pinto, I was reminded of a similar exchange. I was gushing about this intensely progressive and enigmatic person, declaring my affection and also defending it by pointing out his radical outlook towards social issues. My friend staved it off with this really tectonic argument and stated that, "A man, whatever his ideologies may be, or even if he is a revolutionary; when it comes to women, it's all a farce. They have zero credibility about regarding women as should be and most often, fail or avoid addressing these questions."
This memoir screams this through an anguished, strong and defeated voice. The author who married a revolutionary, Namdeo Dhasal (Associated with the Dalit Panther Movement) describes the loss of control, absolute rejection of self and the angst of holding tenaciously to her feminine individuality through the story.
Towards the end, she raises some intensely personal questions while narrating selective memorable incidents that depicted the crude injustice, absolute hypocrisy and sacrificial tendencies of women. This book depicts existential suffering of a bright and joyously curious (poet) woman who was sacrificed by her husband (the great leader of masses and oppressed) to prove his masculinity.
Also why is behaviour that does not toes the societal expectations, especially by a woman regarded as 'rebellious'.
While reading this memoir written by Malika Amar Shaikh and translated from Marathi by Jerry Pinto, I was reminded of a similar exchange. I was gushing about this intensely progressive and enigmatic person, declaring my affection and also defending it by pointing out his radical outlook towards social issues. My friend staved it off with this really tectonic argument and stated that, "A man, whatever his ideologies may be, or even if he is a revolutionary; when it comes to women, it's all a farce. They have zero credibility about regarding women as should be and most often, fail or avoid addressing these questions."
This memoir screams this through an anguished, strong and defeated voice. The author who married a revolutionary, Namdeo Dhasal (Associated with the Dalit Panther Movement) describes the loss of control, absolute rejection of self and the angst of holding tenaciously to her feminine individuality through the story.
Towards the end, she raises some intensely personal questions while narrating selective memorable incidents that depicted the crude injustice, absolute hypocrisy and sacrificial tendencies of women. This book depicts existential suffering of a bright and joyously curious (poet) woman who was sacrificed by her husband (the great leader of masses and oppressed) to prove his masculinity.
Also why is behaviour that does not toes the societal expectations, especially by a woman regarded as 'rebellious'.
April 22, 2019
Mala Uddhvasta Vhaychay was written in 1984 by then 27-year old Malika Amar Shaikh. She is young, she is hurting, and her writing is brutal.
This is her story. She, who married young and found herself in the middle of a tumultuous relationship. She, who didn't seem to accept patriarchy and yet found herself enduring again and again. She married the acclaimed poet and the active member of the Dalit movement Namdeo Dhasal and was subjected to abuse, beatings, and negligence. And this marriage ended only when Dhasal died in 2014. So, this is not a story of a failed marriage which ends with the woman walking out of the shackles. This is the confession of a woman, her confusion with the society and herself, her dreams and aspirations, the could've beens.
Now, she was only 27 when she wrote this, she was suffering still and this reflected in the writing. You might not agree with some of her strong views about men and society in general, but you don't have to agree. This is her sorrow and she is un-burdening. She has bared herself to the world.
Mind you, this is not a literary masterpiece, the writing is rather plain, maybe due to the translation, and straightforward, but this is the most honest narrative that I have experienced.
This is her story. She, who married young and found herself in the middle of a tumultuous relationship. She, who didn't seem to accept patriarchy and yet found herself enduring again and again. She married the acclaimed poet and the active member of the Dalit movement Namdeo Dhasal and was subjected to abuse, beatings, and negligence. And this marriage ended only when Dhasal died in 2014. So, this is not a story of a failed marriage which ends with the woman walking out of the shackles. This is the confession of a woman, her confusion with the society and herself, her dreams and aspirations, the could've beens.
Now, she was only 27 when she wrote this, she was suffering still and this reflected in the writing. You might not agree with some of her strong views about men and society in general, but you don't have to agree. This is her sorrow and she is un-burdening. She has bared herself to the world.
Mind you, this is not a literary masterpiece, the writing is rather plain, maybe due to the translation, and straightforward, but this is the most honest narrative that I have experienced.
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April 24, 2024A review on the back cover said "This is not a book you can move on from". That perfectly describes my feelings for the book.
May 8, 2017
A good story in the hand of a bad writer becomes a bad story. Malika Amar Sheikh marries dalit leader Namdeo who she knew was a man of many vices (including visiting the brothel so very often. He fucking lived in Kamathipura). And then she says that all men are pathetic because her man isn't faithful to her.
While counting her pains, she dehumanizes prostitutes and does feminism a great disservice.
Jerry Pinto has done a crapy translation but I can see that there wasn't much to work with. A woman who talks about her brave struggles while admitting that she cannot leave her abusive husband because where else can a woman go? This coming from the woman who just gave a 10 page lecture on woman power. Give me a fucking break.
There are other such hypocritic instances like when she hates him but continues to have consensual sex with him, also when she refuses to use her caste in a job application while having no problem with the fact that the process was otherwise going to be rigged in her favour. She had no issue with the rigging but took objection to the caste thing. How is one thing more unfair than the other?
While counting her pains, she dehumanizes prostitutes and does feminism a great disservice.
Jerry Pinto has done a crapy translation but I can see that there wasn't much to work with. A woman who talks about her brave struggles while admitting that she cannot leave her abusive husband because where else can a woman go? This coming from the woman who just gave a 10 page lecture on woman power. Give me a fucking break.
There are other such hypocritic instances like when she hates him but continues to have consensual sex with him, also when she refuses to use her caste in a job application while having no problem with the fact that the process was otherwise going to be rigged in her favour. She had no issue with the rigging but took objection to the caste thing. How is one thing more unfair than the other?
May 11, 2020
The book starts with the background story of the author which depicts a financially disadvantaged family having a tough time in adjusting to the daily needs. It also shows hows the author is raised by her mom especially with liberal rights and thoughts towards education and her love for arts.
As she marries over young age, she also shows the struggle of young women who enters the world of motherhood where she is obliged to raise her son as her husband gets busy with his political career.
There are many certain pinches in the stories where the author projects how man address women for only house chores as she makes her suggestion to this political careers and path. The author has beautifully raised her voice as she is brutally beaten by her husband, cheats on her and gives her STD. She raises her frustration, her thoughts over the way as society takes advantage of her gender.
Her words are the words of feminism which each woman faces as they silently keep the pain for the love of her husband, family and son.
As she marries over young age, she also shows the struggle of young women who enters the world of motherhood where she is obliged to raise her son as her husband gets busy with his political career.
There are many certain pinches in the stories where the author projects how man address women for only house chores as she makes her suggestion to this political careers and path. The author has beautifully raised her voice as she is brutally beaten by her husband, cheats on her and gives her STD. She raises her frustration, her thoughts over the way as society takes advantage of her gender.
Her words are the words of feminism which each woman faces as they silently keep the pain for the love of her husband, family and son.
September 16, 2014
One of the great books I ever read.
This is an autobiography of the wife of one of the great political leader and poet in Maharashtra.
The name of the book Mala Udhvasta Whaychy(I want to get ruined) itself tells us the subject handled in the book.
In the main content of the book, author elaborates her life with her husband. One one hand she loves her husband because of his poetry, leadership, personality and at the same time she hates him because of the hatred he given her. Author shared very personal and cruel moments happened with her with us. All her writing in this book, depicts her rational thinking. Hats off to her rationality.
I am going to write a review on this book and then I will share here.
Meanwhile, you all also read this book. This one of Never-To-Miss books in India.
This is an autobiography of the wife of one of the great political leader and poet in Maharashtra.
The name of the book Mala Udhvasta Whaychy(I want to get ruined) itself tells us the subject handled in the book.
In the main content of the book, author elaborates her life with her husband. One one hand she loves her husband because of his poetry, leadership, personality and at the same time she hates him because of the hatred he given her. Author shared very personal and cruel moments happened with her with us. All her writing in this book, depicts her rational thinking. Hats off to her rationality.
I am going to write a review on this book and then I will share here.
Meanwhile, you all also read this book. This one of Never-To-Miss books in India.
May 28, 2021
"I am just one more face in a mass of ignored faceless women. I hope this book will help at least one woman find her face, that it might help her find her way out of her circumscribed and stuffy world. For this one woman's sake, I am willing to bear whatever criticism patriarchal society heaps upon me. "
When I read these lines, I realised how important it was for a woman of her stature, of someone who was always associated with her husband even though she never surrendered to his slippery ideologies, to come up, write her own story and have that courage to set up her own identity. For that, she deserves to be heard because if we are to judge a person, we need to listen to that person first. I did, from all my heart.
No doubt her life has been a difficult one. But if we were to compare to other women who have faced so much more than her, her's seem to be just a laugh. But here, I would like to differ. Her pain was her own, no one had access to it. It is same with every individual. So comparing is a foolish man's job. Living with an abusive and manipulative husband was her choice, but was it easy? No! These matter are very sensitive. She did leave her husband, but somehow she could not stay away. She had her son to look after. And she wanted her child to have a proper childhood.
From her point, the dalit movement is somewhat a farce. I especially agreed with her when she portrayed how uncultured dalits have become in lieu of not being a dalit. They left behind their local gods and festivals. But it would have been a much more successful movement to hold on to ones good values, remove the evil practices instead of removing one's own identity. I could feel Namdeo's frustration regarding the identity.
Despite her end of love for Namdeo, she still respected the relationship she had with him. It was frustrating to see her accept the cruelty, but my God, she was so brave.
My issue with this book is the translation. I do not think it is translated well, even though I expected much from Jerry Pinto. I am sure, the original format is much more sad and attached to emotions. Here, the English seems draggy. Too simple. The author, as from the poems, I realise has a lyrical way to write. But Jerry Pinto fails in that.
Overall, it is s book one must read, if not for inspiration, but for the courage to step out as we get to know what are the consequences of not doing so.
When I read these lines, I realised how important it was for a woman of her stature, of someone who was always associated with her husband even though she never surrendered to his slippery ideologies, to come up, write her own story and have that courage to set up her own identity. For that, she deserves to be heard because if we are to judge a person, we need to listen to that person first. I did, from all my heart.
No doubt her life has been a difficult one. But if we were to compare to other women who have faced so much more than her, her's seem to be just a laugh. But here, I would like to differ. Her pain was her own, no one had access to it. It is same with every individual. So comparing is a foolish man's job. Living with an abusive and manipulative husband was her choice, but was it easy? No! These matter are very sensitive. She did leave her husband, but somehow she could not stay away. She had her son to look after. And she wanted her child to have a proper childhood.
From her point, the dalit movement is somewhat a farce. I especially agreed with her when she portrayed how uncultured dalits have become in lieu of not being a dalit. They left behind their local gods and festivals. But it would have been a much more successful movement to hold on to ones good values, remove the evil practices instead of removing one's own identity. I could feel Namdeo's frustration regarding the identity.
Despite her end of love for Namdeo, she still respected the relationship she had with him. It was frustrating to see her accept the cruelty, but my God, she was so brave.
My issue with this book is the translation. I do not think it is translated well, even though I expected much from Jerry Pinto. I am sure, the original format is much more sad and attached to emotions. Here, the English seems draggy. Too simple. The author, as from the poems, I realise has a lyrical way to write. But Jerry Pinto fails in that.
Overall, it is s book one must read, if not for inspiration, but for the courage to step out as we get to know what are the consequences of not doing so.
December 6, 2020
I came to this book from Naipaul's A Million Mutinies Now and after his description of Malika and Namdeo and the Dalit Panthers I knew I had to read her account. This is a fascinating and singular book. The intensely personal accounts are guaranteed to get under your skin. I can see readers reacting with pain, sympathy, rage, revulsion, condemnation, outrage. This is a woman who is speaking her truth in it's ragged glory, and it oftentimes is not flattering to herself. I found myself vacillating between empathy and disbelief. There are times when I clearly saw the tragedy of a woman caught up with a whirlwind of a man, the sweep of history, punished repeatedly for simply being. But then, she can also write as if to exculpate herself, either unwilling or unable to extricate herself and find a more suitable place for herself in a more welcoming community. Or at the very least a more sustainable mode of living.
There is an episode late in the book where she seems to sever ties with Namdeo as completely as she can muster. And yet, with the inescapable gravity of Namdeo and Ashu pulling her in, she returns half-willingly with a palpable sense of defeat that pained my heart.
There is an episode late in the book where she seems to sever ties with Namdeo as completely as she can muster. And yet, with the inescapable gravity of Namdeo and Ashu pulling her in, she returns half-willingly with a palpable sense of defeat that pained my heart.
November 8, 2016
Originally written in Marathi, this translation is really interesting and thought provoking. The questions posed are intense.
January 2, 2017
Searing.
December 26, 2021
As much as I keep thinking to not rate a memoir like this ; because in the end it’s a real person and I can’t judge someone’s decisions , my problem with this book is it’s views .
How am I supposed to empathise with this person who is obviously going through shit but conveniently is a hypocrite judging and dehumanising other women’s views and label this book as feminism ?
Instance 1 : Soon after her dad’s death ; their home has no life in it .. but once men start coming through and fro ; their life is “colourful” again
Instance 2 : a girl in her class is known to have a reputation with boys , but turns out she’s just trying to escape the reality of having a crippled brother in the house by going out and most times she doesn’t have girls to hang out with , so she hangs out with guys .. she claims she has “forgiven” her for all the rumours someone else created ( this one pissed me off the most )
Instance 3 : Her constantly slut shaming prostitutes .. while mentioning how pure she was in contrast most of the times
Instance 4: Her “ not understanding” woman who are ok with their husbands’ infidelity
There are more but I stopped giving any fucks after a while ..
the translation also wasn’t great .. very basic but it was also very disjointed so at times I didn’t understand what the paragraph was trying to convey
The only reason I’m not giving this 1 star is because I get her hardships.. It’s hard to be with a man like that and her description of going alone for labour in a government setting is also quite true ( telling this because I’ve worked as a doctor in government settings and it’s not the greatest I have to agree , and things she mentioned do happen all the time )
How am I supposed to empathise with this person who is obviously going through shit but conveniently is a hypocrite judging and dehumanising other women’s views and label this book as feminism ?
Instance 1 : Soon after her dad’s death ; their home has no life in it .. but once men start coming through and fro ; their life is “colourful” again
Instance 2 : a girl in her class is known to have a reputation with boys , but turns out she’s just trying to escape the reality of having a crippled brother in the house by going out and most times she doesn’t have girls to hang out with , so she hangs out with guys .. she claims she has “forgiven” her for all the rumours someone else created ( this one pissed me off the most )
Instance 3 : Her constantly slut shaming prostitutes .. while mentioning how pure she was in contrast most of the times
Instance 4: Her “ not understanding” woman who are ok with their husbands’ infidelity
There are more but I stopped giving any fucks after a while ..
the translation also wasn’t great .. very basic but it was also very disjointed so at times I didn’t understand what the paragraph was trying to convey
The only reason I’m not giving this 1 star is because I get her hardships.. It’s hard to be with a man like that and her description of going alone for labour in a government setting is also quite true ( telling this because I’ve worked as a doctor in government settings and it’s not the greatest I have to agree , and things she mentioned do happen all the time )
April 12, 2023
If you could see the pain, you would still turn a blind eye. Life can be treacherous and impatient that way. When the world is filled with sorrow, how can my inconvenient misery be worth your time.
Malika Amar Shaikh takes us to the depths of her pain, but apologises on the way, for her innocence, for her hope, for her lover, and for her freedom.
This is a story of a whirlwind romance - between song and poetry, between fate and desire, between hope and loss. Written only after a decade of her marriage, still in here 20s, she describes her life through love; except that love is for a man who beats, threatens, and disrespects her being. This love cajoles her with his warm embrace, yet turns into a monster that carries venereal diseases.
If you read her account and feel apologetic; she doesn’t ask for it. She feels shamelessness, abandon and confusion as she navigates her life within a mirrored cage. She longs for her love and grapples with the choices that clipped her wings.
If you could see pain today, see it through her lens. “And yet the will to live seemed strong in this dehumanised world. What was it that made them want to go on?”
Malika Amar Shaikh takes us to the depths of her pain, but apologises on the way, for her innocence, for her hope, for her lover, and for her freedom.
This is a story of a whirlwind romance - between song and poetry, between fate and desire, between hope and loss. Written only after a decade of her marriage, still in here 20s, she describes her life through love; except that love is for a man who beats, threatens, and disrespects her being. This love cajoles her with his warm embrace, yet turns into a monster that carries venereal diseases.
If you read her account and feel apologetic; she doesn’t ask for it. She feels shamelessness, abandon and confusion as she navigates her life within a mirrored cage. She longs for her love and grapples with the choices that clipped her wings.
If you could see pain today, see it through her lens. “And yet the will to live seemed strong in this dehumanised world. What was it that made them want to go on?”
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May 25, 2025I found this to be a powerful, searing account of Sheikh's life. Towards the end, she asks, “I chose to write because I can. Those who cannot—what happens to them?” At various points, you are forced to pause and reflect, to let the words sink in. The book threatens to collapse you, to break you into tears. At times, her memoir reminded me of the poet Kamala Das—especially when she wrote, “But love was something for which I had an endless desire. I wanted more; I wanted love with commitment. I wanted someone to love me alone.”
December 30, 2023
Malika Amar Shaikh's story broke my heart, it is an incredible South Asian Marxist feminist critique of her husband, Namdeo Dhasal - who was a revolutionary poet and one of the original founders of the Dalit Panthers.
Great reminder that the social evils of society cannot be resolved by socialism alone.
Great reminder that the social evils of society cannot be resolved by socialism alone.
February 23, 2025
It approached to the story in low-key slow manner but then I understood it was for the elevation of later happenings . I liked the book and I do felt haunted while completing the book . Rather than feeling of being narrated a story I felt something more .
July 17, 2021
"To be able to see pain and ignore it is part of our culture."
"Men do not have ideals. It seems they cannot have them."
"Men do not have ideals. It seems they cannot have them."
November 18, 2025
This one was ferociously disturbing.
March 26, 2018
Born in a communist family, Malika Amar Shaikh married Dalit activist Namdeo Dhasal when she was barely out of school. Though an able leader to his party members, Dhasal was a lousy husband prone to alcoholism, womanizing, & violence. This memoir is Malika's angry account of her troubled marriage with feminism as the backdrop. I read the original Marathi version and it is a good book to read because the writing is engaging. But it is definitely not an easy read. And in some instances, the writing feels biased and marred in hypocrisy. But I think I'll still recommend it because of the questions it poses to the society in form of an oppressed woman...
April 18, 2023
Writing a memoir is a herculean task, particularly when one is in a state that challenges societal norms to a certain extent. This memoir is in that state. written from standpoint of what the writer felt, from the point of a woman and the identity in relation to movements and the impact on a woman. The translation makes the reader not miss the perspective o the original language in which the memoir is written.
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