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Conversation Tactics: Strategies to Charm, Befriend, and Defend
Do you want to become more charming and likable – instantly? Or just make sure you can defend yourself verbally, and not be a doormat?Do you lose arguments, find yourself speechless, or get taken advantage of by others? Or do you just want to build meaningful connections and friendships quickly?Sounds like you need to learn as many Conversation Tactics as possible! In this book you’ll learn 18 powerful techniques that can be used for everything under the sun – charming people, befriending strangers, increased charisma, and even arguing effectively.You can never underestimate the power of a simple conversation.It can be the start of something beautiful, or it can potentially ruin your day. These 18 techniques, learned from years of coaching social skills and conversations, will ensure better conversations and fewer arguments.In addition to incredibly shrewd and nuanced insights to make conversation flow, you’ll learn how win arguments and diffuse dirty tricks.What actionable and realistic conversation tactics will you learn?•How standup comedians use conversational high points for great reactions.•What the two-second rule is and how it makes you appear incredibly attentive.•How interrupting artfully can be your secret weapon to bonding.•The singular best way to warm up for any conversation, anywhere.Also the following •The foolproof method of rehearsing only your hellos and goodbyes.•The 2:1 ratio and why math even matters in successful conversations.•The logic of not laughing at your own jokes.•The 5 most common argument tactics and how to neuter them.•How to deflect any ridicule.Here’s what this book isn’ advice that isn’t helpful and doesn’t work, like “fake it ‘til you make it” and “just be yourself.” Real, practical advice for everyday conversations.How will your daily life improve?•Always know how to defend yourself and come out on top.•Pinpoint what people are looking for in their connections.•Never fall for people’s dirty argument tricks.•Gain people's respect and never be a doormat again.•Find the carpool lane to people’s inner circle, quickly.•Turn enemies into friends, and friends into confidantes.•Always know what to say, and never fall prey to awkward silences.Implement these 18 techniques and see your charisma skyrocket.Don’t hesitate to pick up your copy today by clicking the BUY NOW button at the top of this page!P.S. You’ll be able to notice a difference within 24 hours.
102 pages, Paperback
First published September 18, 2015
172 people are currently reading
832 people want to read
About the author
Patrick King
202 books331 followersPatrick King is a Social Interaction Specialist, in other words, a dating, online dating, image, and communication and social skills coach based in San Francisco, California, and has been featured on numerous national publications such as Inc.com. He’s also a #1 Amazon best-selling dating and relationships author with the most popular online dating book on the market, and writes frequently on dating, love, sex, and relationships.
He focuses on using his emotional intelligence and understanding of human interaction to break down emotional barriers, instill confidence, and equip people with the tools they need for success. No pickup artistry and no gimmicks, simply a thorough mastery of human psychology delivered with a dose of real talk, perfected and honed through three years of law school.
He focuses on using his emotional intelligence and understanding of human interaction to break down emotional barriers, instill confidence, and equip people with the tools they need for success. No pickup artistry and no gimmicks, simply a thorough mastery of human psychology delivered with a dose of real talk, perfected and honed through three years of law school.
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June 28, 2016Conversation Tactics
I breezed through an e-book yesterday called “Conversation Tactics: Strategies to Charm, Befriend and Defend” by Patrick King. This was one of those books that kindle floats by me all the time under the ‘you might be interested’ category. It was for the low, low price of $3.99 so I figured I’d take a chance.
Who doesn’t want to be an adroit conversationalist? As a partial introvert I find interacting socially with strangers exhausting. I’ve gotten better at it, but I can always use some help. I thought those of you who have the same social challenges might like to hear about it.
This book is short and very tactical. It is written in the current e-book prose style that is quick and breezy. It’s not going to win any Pulitzer awards but it has some good reminders. It’s an easy read, with a checklist type format.
Here are some takeaways.
1. Know how to take a compliment. I know it took me years to learn how to take a compliment. The correct answer when you receive a compliment is ‘thank you’. Don’t try to self-deprecate your way out of the compliment. The pro level tactic is to reverse the compliment.
For example: “You look like you’ve lost some weight!” The incorrect way to accept the compliment is to argue and self-deprecate. “No I’ve actually gained 4 pounds.” Or “Yes, but I’m such a fat cow anyway you hardly notice!” Wrong.
The correct way is to thank and reverse. “Thank you, you always say the nicest things.”
Even if you’re not sure whether it’s a compliment or not you can respond with a thank you and reverse. It will work. It’s a pleasant experience for both of you.
2. Look for and use conversational high points. When there is a particular topic that you resonate well on make note of it. This way you can call back to this point of common enthusiasm later in the conversation.
3. Contrary to popular belief it’s ok to interrupt as long as you are adding to or confirming what they are saying. This may be as simple as nodding or saying “You’re so right!”
Just don’t interrupt to take over. This signals that you weren’t really listening. You were just waiting for a chance to talk.
One great way I’ve discovered to keep the conversation going is to ask questions. Not just clarifying questions but deeper questions around the topic or story they are telling. Instead of piling on with your own opinion or your own story about that topic ask a great question.
For example: The person is telling about their horse riding session. You might ask “Do you think the horse feels a personal bond with you? Is there some kind of deeper connection?”
4. Make sure people feel respected. I know this to be true. Nothing makes me angrier than when I feel I’m not being respected. Even if you have to fake it, make sure people feel respected. Don’t dismiss them. Don’t order them around. Acknowledge their fears and emotions. Make a connection.
Much of the tactics around making people feel respected is just to be present in the conversation. To listen. To acknowledge. It’s not hard to do but many of us struggle with this because we have so many other things swirling in our brains. Take a deep breath. Be present.
5. One of the great tips I got from this book was ‘the two second rule’. This means waiting two seconds after the person has finished speaking before piling on or responding. It sends the message that you are actually thinking about what the other person said not just waiting for your turn.
Although I love this tactic as an idea, I struggle with how well it would work when there are more than two people. Multi-party conversations hate to have gaps and someone will dive in. If you follow the two second rule in these situations you might not ever get your chance.
6. Speak their language or, as we use to call it, ‘mirroring’. All this means is that you consciously listen to the pacing and vocabulary being used and you match it as much as appropriate.
Traveling I run into different local speech patterns and I’ll have to speed up or slow down my conversation style to match. I’ll slip into the local dialect with pronunciations and vocabulary. You have to be careful that you are being respectful and not parodying the locals.
The same is true with body language. I’m not saying do the creepy mirroring thing. Just be cognizant of what they are doing with their face, hands etc. You may notice something you can work with to make the other person more comfortable.
7. The author suggests warming up for social interactions by some whacky facial and voice gymnastics, similar to how an actor might warm up. I’m not sure about that one. To each his own.
8. The author suggests that you shouldn’t try to memorize and particular parts of your conversation tactics ahead of time. He does recommend having an idea of what your bookends are. These are how you start and how you end a conversation.
I agree that trying to memorize conversational interactions is silly. There are, however stories that you can have in your back pocket that you have practiced and know are interesting. Tip O’neill in his “Speaker of the House” memoir recounted how Boston’s Mayor Curly had told him to memorize a handful of poems and stories that he could always rely on when asked to speak.
9. Asking questions. We all know we should ask questions in a conversation. There is nothing better for building empathy than asking good questions. However you don’t want it to feel like an interrogation. Patrick suggest a 2:1 ratio of questions and personal stories. Ask two good questions, follow up with a story of your own, then ask two more, etc. This builds a nice flow and follows the old ‘two ears, one mouth’ maxim.
10. There is a very useful chapter on how to take punches. This is where people are giving you digs, whether as good natured or semi-good natured attacks. The tactical jujitsu is to co-opt the joke. For instance if someone says something like, “And I’d like to thank Joe for making the rest of us look good…” Joe takes over the joke and might say “You’re very welcome, I make it my personal mission to think about the team!”
Of course if someone is just attacking you or making you feel uncomfortable it’s ok to stop them with a “What did you say?” or “What do you mean by that?”
11. Never laugh first. The author meant for you to make sure you’re not the only one laughing at your jokes. I’ve seen this play out in conversations where a person’s lack of self-confidence leads to following every sentence with a nervous ‘ha ha’. If you do that you’re just letting the other party know you’re not sure of yourself. Listen for that and try to stop doing it.
Summary:
Those are some of the thoughts I had as I was breezing through Patrick’s book. I think my biggest take away is that social situations like anything else have a set of learnable tactics that you can study and deploy.
Through practice you can turn a draining interaction where you are always on high alert and worried about it into a proactive craft. These interactions become a lot more enjoyable and a lot less draining when you can control them and be in the flow. There’s an incredible sense of joy and empowerment when you have an interesting and compelling conversation with another person.
Your homework is to test out one of these tactics this week and see how it feels.
I breezed through an e-book yesterday called “Conversation Tactics: Strategies to Charm, Befriend and Defend” by Patrick King. This was one of those books that kindle floats by me all the time under the ‘you might be interested’ category. It was for the low, low price of $3.99 so I figured I’d take a chance.
Who doesn’t want to be an adroit conversationalist? As a partial introvert I find interacting socially with strangers exhausting. I’ve gotten better at it, but I can always use some help. I thought those of you who have the same social challenges might like to hear about it.
This book is short and very tactical. It is written in the current e-book prose style that is quick and breezy. It’s not going to win any Pulitzer awards but it has some good reminders. It’s an easy read, with a checklist type format.
Here are some takeaways.
1. Know how to take a compliment. I know it took me years to learn how to take a compliment. The correct answer when you receive a compliment is ‘thank you’. Don’t try to self-deprecate your way out of the compliment. The pro level tactic is to reverse the compliment.
For example: “You look like you’ve lost some weight!” The incorrect way to accept the compliment is to argue and self-deprecate. “No I’ve actually gained 4 pounds.” Or “Yes, but I’m such a fat cow anyway you hardly notice!” Wrong.
The correct way is to thank and reverse. “Thank you, you always say the nicest things.”
Even if you’re not sure whether it’s a compliment or not you can respond with a thank you and reverse. It will work. It’s a pleasant experience for both of you.
2. Look for and use conversational high points. When there is a particular topic that you resonate well on make note of it. This way you can call back to this point of common enthusiasm later in the conversation.
3. Contrary to popular belief it’s ok to interrupt as long as you are adding to or confirming what they are saying. This may be as simple as nodding or saying “You’re so right!”
Just don’t interrupt to take over. This signals that you weren’t really listening. You were just waiting for a chance to talk.
One great way I’ve discovered to keep the conversation going is to ask questions. Not just clarifying questions but deeper questions around the topic or story they are telling. Instead of piling on with your own opinion or your own story about that topic ask a great question.
For example: The person is telling about their horse riding session. You might ask “Do you think the horse feels a personal bond with you? Is there some kind of deeper connection?”
4. Make sure people feel respected. I know this to be true. Nothing makes me angrier than when I feel I’m not being respected. Even if you have to fake it, make sure people feel respected. Don’t dismiss them. Don’t order them around. Acknowledge their fears and emotions. Make a connection.
Much of the tactics around making people feel respected is just to be present in the conversation. To listen. To acknowledge. It’s not hard to do but many of us struggle with this because we have so many other things swirling in our brains. Take a deep breath. Be present.
5. One of the great tips I got from this book was ‘the two second rule’. This means waiting two seconds after the person has finished speaking before piling on or responding. It sends the message that you are actually thinking about what the other person said not just waiting for your turn.
Although I love this tactic as an idea, I struggle with how well it would work when there are more than two people. Multi-party conversations hate to have gaps and someone will dive in. If you follow the two second rule in these situations you might not ever get your chance.
6. Speak their language or, as we use to call it, ‘mirroring’. All this means is that you consciously listen to the pacing and vocabulary being used and you match it as much as appropriate.
Traveling I run into different local speech patterns and I’ll have to speed up or slow down my conversation style to match. I’ll slip into the local dialect with pronunciations and vocabulary. You have to be careful that you are being respectful and not parodying the locals.
The same is true with body language. I’m not saying do the creepy mirroring thing. Just be cognizant of what they are doing with their face, hands etc. You may notice something you can work with to make the other person more comfortable.
7. The author suggests warming up for social interactions by some whacky facial and voice gymnastics, similar to how an actor might warm up. I’m not sure about that one. To each his own.
8. The author suggests that you shouldn’t try to memorize and particular parts of your conversation tactics ahead of time. He does recommend having an idea of what your bookends are. These are how you start and how you end a conversation.
I agree that trying to memorize conversational interactions is silly. There are, however stories that you can have in your back pocket that you have practiced and know are interesting. Tip O’neill in his “Speaker of the House” memoir recounted how Boston’s Mayor Curly had told him to memorize a handful of poems and stories that he could always rely on when asked to speak.
9. Asking questions. We all know we should ask questions in a conversation. There is nothing better for building empathy than asking good questions. However you don’t want it to feel like an interrogation. Patrick suggest a 2:1 ratio of questions and personal stories. Ask two good questions, follow up with a story of your own, then ask two more, etc. This builds a nice flow and follows the old ‘two ears, one mouth’ maxim.
10. There is a very useful chapter on how to take punches. This is where people are giving you digs, whether as good natured or semi-good natured attacks. The tactical jujitsu is to co-opt the joke. For instance if someone says something like, “And I’d like to thank Joe for making the rest of us look good…” Joe takes over the joke and might say “You’re very welcome, I make it my personal mission to think about the team!”
Of course if someone is just attacking you or making you feel uncomfortable it’s ok to stop them with a “What did you say?” or “What do you mean by that?”
11. Never laugh first. The author meant for you to make sure you’re not the only one laughing at your jokes. I’ve seen this play out in conversations where a person’s lack of self-confidence leads to following every sentence with a nervous ‘ha ha’. If you do that you’re just letting the other party know you’re not sure of yourself. Listen for that and try to stop doing it.
Summary:
Those are some of the thoughts I had as I was breezing through Patrick’s book. I think my biggest take away is that social situations like anything else have a set of learnable tactics that you can study and deploy.
Through practice you can turn a draining interaction where you are always on high alert and worried about it into a proactive craft. These interactions become a lot more enjoyable and a lot less draining when you can control them and be in the flow. There’s an incredible sense of joy and empowerment when you have an interesting and compelling conversation with another person.
Your homework is to test out one of these tactics this week and see how it feels.
June 27, 2021
Коротка книжка, яке містить перелік основних правил(хоч не зі всіма згідний), які можуть бути корисні для правильної побудови спілкування
November 7, 2017
short and easy to understand.
it provides some good hints to improve your social skills. it's not all there is to know about conversations but it's a good starting point.
it provides some good hints to improve your social skills. it's not all there is to know about conversations but it's a good starting point.
November 14, 2018
Книжка в стилі - просто будь адекватним. Дуже багато розділів в стилі: щоб бути нормальним роби Дію_1 в Ситуації_1 і Дію_2 в Ситуації_2, АЛЕ буває, що в Ситуації_1 треба робити Дію_2, а в Ситуації_2 - Дію_1. Коли таке буває? Ну ти ж будь адекватний, сам прикинь по ситуації. І питається, нащо я читав цей розділ? Є тільки декілька цікавих розділів з конкретними описами технік спілкування чи ведення суперечок і порадами як в них діяти. Єдине, що мене заставило дочитати книжку до кінця - це її невеликий розмір.
July 2, 2017
Надто плоско.
December 6, 2023
4/10
Один з найбільших плюсів цієї книжки полягає в тому, що вона коротка, а якщо дочитати до кінця і знайти там шпаргалку з 18 пунктів, де коротко викладено все, про що йшлось в книзі, то її можна не читати зовсім.
Там траплялись досить адекватні, хоч і очевидні поради, як от:
- відповідати компліментом на комплімент;
- скеровувати спілкування до зони комфорту співрозмовника (наслідуючи акцент🤔, тембр голосу, міміку, мову тіла та жести);
- уникати нападів у стилі ad hominem, апелюючи до аргументів, замість того, щоб намагатись образити опонента, переходячи на особистості;
- виявляти повагу до співрозмовника, уникаючи маніпуляцій та наказового способу, надаючи перевагу запитанням;
- застосовувати правило 2 секунд, тобто робити невелику паузу після того, як співрозмовник закінчує висловлювати свою думку, а не починати одразу висловлюватись самому, створюючи враження, що ви просто не могли дочекатись, коли ж він нарешті замовкне.
Але були і поради, з якими я не погоджуюсь. Наприклад (далі цитати):
📌"Переривай, щоб погодитися. Тому що ти відчуваєш таке піднесення від почутого, що аж не можеш стриматися. Можна також перервати, щоб закінчити речення співрозмовника, або ж щоб засвідчити емоційну присутність".
📌«Щойно ти помітиш своєрідну поведінку, повторену хоча б кілька разів, — зверни на це увагу вголос. Але так, щоб засвідчити спостережливість, а не покритикувати. Те, що ти зауважив унікальне в поведінці людини, змусить її почуватися особливою — адже хтось це завважив! (наприклад: — Я помітив, що ти дуже по-особливому складаєш пляшки, розкажи мені про це. Або: — Я бачу, ти шульга? Ти клацав пальцями лівої руки п’ять разів щоразу, як ми заходили всередину.»)
Не думаю, що акцентувати увагу на тому, що може бути симптомом ОКР - це класний шлях знайти з кимось спільну мову, як і закінчувати за малознайому людину її речення. Хоча що я можу знати?🌝
Для мене цю книжку врятувало те, що вона маленька і досить легко написана. 2⭐️ за це. Бо в іншому випадку я б її і не дочитувала.
Один з найбільших плюсів цієї книжки полягає в тому, що вона коротка, а якщо дочитати до кінця і знайти там шпаргалку з 18 пунктів, де коротко викладено все, про що йшлось в книзі, то її можна не читати зовсім.
Там траплялись досить адекватні, хоч і очевидні поради, як от:
- відповідати компліментом на комплімент;
- скеровувати спілкування до зони комфорту співрозмовника (наслідуючи акцент🤔, тембр голосу, міміку, мову тіла та жести);
- уникати нападів у стилі ad hominem, апелюючи до аргументів, замість того, щоб намагатись образити опонента, переходячи на особистості;
- виявляти повагу до співрозмовника, уникаючи маніпуляцій та наказового способу, надаючи перевагу запитанням;
- застосовувати правило 2 секунд, тобто робити невелику паузу після того, як співрозмовник закінчує висловлювати свою думку, а не починати одразу висловлюватись самому, створюючи враження, що ви просто не могли дочекатись, коли ж він нарешті замовкне.
Але були і поради, з якими я не погоджуюсь. Наприклад (далі цитати):
📌"Переривай, щоб погодитися. Тому що ти відчуваєш таке піднесення від почутого, що аж не можеш стриматися. Можна також перервати, щоб закінчити речення співрозмовника, або ж щоб засвідчити емоційну присутність".
📌«Щойно ти помітиш своєрідну поведінку, повторену хоча б кілька разів, — зверни на це увагу вголос. Але так, щоб засвідчити спостережливість, а не покритикувати. Те, що ти зауважив унікальне в поведінці людини, змусить її почуватися особливою — адже хтось це завважив! (наприклад: — Я помітив, що ти дуже по-особливому складаєш пляшки, розкажи мені про це. Або: — Я бачу, ти шульга? Ти клацав пальцями лівої руки п’ять разів щоразу, як ми заходили всередину.»)
Не думаю, що акцентувати увагу на тому, що може бути симптомом ОКР - це класний шлях знайти з кимось спільну мову, як і закінчувати за малознайому людину її речення. Хоча що я можу знати?🌝
Для мене цю книжку врятувало те, що вона маленька і досить легко написана. 2⭐️ за це. Бо в іншому випадку я б її і не дочитувала.
March 25, 2018
Great book and extremely concise with nuggets on how one can improve “ small talk” and day to day interactions and even enjoy them . Super useful when interacting with new joiners / colleagues at work or even clients ( if you work in a client facing environment ) in breaking the ice and building a rapport. I find it very easy to talk facts and content but to get to that there is an essential step in breaking barriers and this book helps immensely with that. Literally finished the book in,a few hours!
November 14, 2018
I purchased a series of books by the author Patrick King. He is a conversation, updating, interpersonal coach. I found his books to be straightforward, well written, with practical tips on improving on the given topic. (Note I’m giving the same review to all of the books I’ve read for him except for one).
My default rating is 3 stars, for writing competently about a topic I have not run into before plus one star: final rating 4 stars.
My default rating is 3 stars, for writing competently about a topic I have not run into before plus one star: final rating 4 stars.
February 21, 2021
Цікава книга для тих, кому постійно доводиться багато комунікувати. Завдяки їй на певні речі в спілкуванні можна поглянути під зовсім іншим кутом, щось можна відкинути, на ще щось можна вчитися по іншому реагувати, десь вміти розпізнати маніпуляції зі сторони співрозмовника. І все це для того, щоб за допомогою спілкування рухатися до встановлених нами цілей.
January 29, 2024
A helpful checklist that reviews the basics of conversation navigation. The most important chapter, in my opinion, is the pre-conversation work: understanding who you are, what stories shape your life, and answering “why am I interesting?” before a conversation even begins. A step that often missed but makes a huge difference.
June 8, 2017
Вміння спілкуватись - дуже важливе вміння, адже це один із важливих компонент успіху. Ця книга являє собою радше кишенькову книгу-нагадайку з важливими порадами для різних ситуацій. Легка у читанні з прикладами різних ситуацій (повсякденне спілкування, вирішення конфліктів) дуже швидко читається.
December 13, 2018
As with most of the books in the genre, it was very informative and useful. It provides plenty of information to chew over and attempt. Nothing mind blowing here, but certainly worth a read especially if you are looking to improve social skills.
June 23, 2020
Спочатку мені здавалося, що це взагалі марна книга, та ближче до кінця все-таки взяла для себе кілька слушних порад.
July 26, 2020
This was an interesting read/listen. It raised some interesting approaches, and some to be left on the table. I think I'd take about 40% of the book away as useful.
October 15, 2022
Never laugh first at your own jokes. Tricks to avoid awkward silence. Also trying to make me a manipulator. 3/5 stars - it is a good starting point to improve conversational skills.
June 15, 2017
Great points once you get well into the book.
March 22, 2022
Basic
Good beginning level tips for a young person. The more challenging situations at the end could be fleshed out more including how to successfully debate someone who manipulates facts or distorts the truth
Good beginning level tips for a young person. The more challenging situations at the end could be fleshed out more including how to successfully debate someone who manipulates facts or distorts the truth
February 20, 2016
I really liked it.
This book had made me conscious of social cues when in conversation that I had never noticed before. I learned how to defend my arguments and how to how to demand respect when it us lacking from people.
I didn't learn how to put a conversation together. I wouldn't know how to engage a stranger with conversation on any mundane topic, to be fair however I think the boom title didn't necessarily say it would help in that aspect
This book had made me conscious of social cues when in conversation that I had never noticed before. I learned how to defend my arguments and how to how to demand respect when it us lacking from people.
I didn't learn how to put a conversation together. I wouldn't know how to engage a stranger with conversation on any mundane topic, to be fair however I think the boom title didn't necessarily say it would help in that aspect
December 26, 2015
Eye opener
This book really opened my eyes to a situation I was currently dealing with at work with respect argument tactics that were being used against me.
It is totally worth the purchase and even more more so valuable when read and applied. I definitely recommended!
This book really opened my eyes to a situation I was currently dealing with at work with respect argument tactics that were being used against me.
It is totally worth the purchase and even more more so valuable when read and applied. I definitely recommended!
May 4, 2016
Good
Very good. Thought provoking. True. Good read. People argue against me in these ways often. Easily explained. Simplified. Easy to understand.
Very good. Thought provoking. True. Good read. People argue against me in these ways often. Easily explained. Simplified. Easy to understand.
June 18, 2017
A quick read- but a good one. I liked pretty much everything there was to say. here are the mane points. were the following.
April 11, 2017
A very easy to read and full of practical advices. Something that can be used as a conversation pocketbook
June 9, 2017
понравилась только глава о чтении вслух
March 29, 2018
Great, quick refresher when you need perspective or feel stuck in conversations. Also a great eye opener if you take some time to reflect when your own behaviour matches some of the instigators!
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