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Fall in Love, Stay in Love
Dr. Harley's blockbuster book His Needs, Her Needs has helped more than a million couples meet each other's needs and fall in love all over again. But that's only part of what makes a spectacular marriage, according to Harley. To stay in love, couples must protect each other and the love they've created.
Harley fans have already been introduced to the Love Bank, emotional needs, Love Busters, and fair negotiation. So how do these key concepts work together to strengthen marriages? Fall in Love, Stay in Love has the answer--a complete, step-by-step overview that will leave fans saying "aha!" and new readers ready for more from this respected author.
In his new book, Harley promises that if couples are willing to form habits that create love and control instincts that destroy it, they can have the love-filled marriages they've always wanted. Then he sits down with readers to guide them through his tried and proven plan.
With profound insights, probing questions, and practical action steps, the man who has helped save scores of marriages leads readers down the road to a love that lasts a lifetime.
Harley fans have already been introduced to the Love Bank, emotional needs, Love Busters, and fair negotiation. So how do these key concepts work together to strengthen marriages? Fall in Love, Stay in Love has the answer--a complete, step-by-step overview that will leave fans saying "aha!" and new readers ready for more from this respected author.
In his new book, Harley promises that if couples are willing to form habits that create love and control instincts that destroy it, they can have the love-filled marriages they've always wanted. Then he sits down with readers to guide them through his tried and proven plan.
With profound insights, probing questions, and practical action steps, the man who has helped save scores of marriages leads readers down the road to a love that lasts a lifetime.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 2001
44 people are currently reading
411 people want to read
About the author
Willard F. Harley Jr.
23 books109 followersWillard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
March 18, 2013
Harley's book is a classic. I've been using his terminology and concepts well before I ever read this book because his terms are integrated so well in current marriage ministry. The idea of a love tank is simple to grasp and is profound in practice. Similarly, I love the simplicity of his policy of radical honesty as well as his concept of enthusiastic agreement. He makes the breaking of negative patterns and the transition into positive ones (applying his principles that I mentioned above) as simple as possible, which gives such hope to a couple at their last ounce of tolerance for their marriage situation. He includes some great tools in the back of the book to further assist in the application of his recommended principles. I would recommend this to any married couple, struggling or thriving, especially as one of the primary marriage tools they encounter. It serves as a great foundation for applying other marriage principles and tools.
February 28, 2017
My sister recommended this book and Richard and I read a little most nights until we completed it. We would suggest this book for EVERYONE in a relationship who wants that relationship to succeed. The author talks about each partner determining his/her needs and the teaches the concept of a love bank where your actions, etc. either put deposits in your partner's account or withdrawals. Other vital principles are how to negotiate in marriage and how to resolve everyday problems. One of the most incredible policies that we read about is The Policy of Joint Agreement where you never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
April 17, 2021
Another solid book by Harley that adds some more juice to what he writes about in His Needs Her Needs. If you’ve read that book recommend skipping part 1 since it’s mostly a summary of the other book. So many of his concepts seem kind of silly at first but the more I look at them and think through them I can see how/why they work. For example one of the concepts he talks about in this book (seemed crazy to me at first) is this idea of Enthusiastic Joint agreement. The basic idea is that you will never do anything w/o the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. Crazy right? But it forces you to be considerate of your spouses needs and prevents you from being selfish and making unilateral decisions (gets into we each have some taker and giver in us)..it’s probably a good sanity check to make sure you’re meeting your spouses needs. It’s an interesting concept and encourage you to read it with an open mind. Also like the idea of radical honesty/openness. To some it may seem like it’s overkill but on the other hand this is the person you chose to be with and isn’t it better if they choose you/ love you for all the good/bad/ugly in your life vs hiding secrets. I can also see how it adds a sense of security (which might be one of your spouses needs). I think the way i look at these books is they are easy reads with some really good info..and well, isn’t the person you married worth the time to read these ideas and see if they might help your marriage out? Life happens and it’s easy to get on cruise control when it comes to your spouse and think these books do a great job re-centering us on the things that should matter most.
December 10, 2022
Highly recommended for couples in crisis or couples who want to avoid crisis. Some of the advice will be challenging for many, but if you really want to stay in love, I think it’s solid advice.
January 3, 2020
Excellent and practical. This book is a combination of Harley's other books Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs and does an outstanding job of explaining the psychological tendencies of men and women with how they relate to relationships. Harley provides many practical habits and solutions to avoid the many pitfalls that affect most marriages and even offers advice for those who may already be considering divorce.
August 8, 2018
Excellent book on practical marital advice to heal a broken marriage.
February 6, 2019
Fell in love. Still in love.
June 1, 2021
Every person should read this book.
February 18, 2024
Read and rereading to get more out of it. Good insights from my perspective
October 11, 2011
Pretty good. Nothing particularly new, but some helpful concepts presented in an organized fashion that is easy and quick to read. It's written for married couples, but I think the concepts are useful for any emotion-based relationship - definitely romantic ones. For example, the book presented concepts and strategies that would have been helpful in addressing some of the challenges I experienced in a dating relationship, and some might even be applicable to family conflicts as well. Namely, identifying emotional needs, understanding the trouble with our battling instincts, and strategies for successful negotiation. Specifically for romantic relationships, I think Harley recognized and addressed a basic need for mutuality, which I think is crucial for an on-going healthy and happy relationship.
Overall, the book is not on my "must-read-before-you-die" list, but it's on my "potentially-helpful-to-living-a-good-life" list. I'm sure there are many books out there that could contribute these types of helpful insights, but if you already own or have access to this one, it's a good start.
Overall, the book is not on my "must-read-before-you-die" list, but it's on my "potentially-helpful-to-living-a-good-life" list. I'm sure there are many books out there that could contribute these types of helpful insights, but if you already own or have access to this one, it's a good start.
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September 3, 2012The two big distinctions in the book about making love last which were most helpful were: (1) 15 hours a week fulfilling each others emotional needs and, (2) making decisions through the policy of joint agreement.
We read this book in connection with counseling by Dr. Johnson trying to sort out the difficult issues in a blended family. The whole paradigm in the new family is that you can't separate his and hers and while it feels risky to not draw those lines, it's what actually keeps you together. It's drawing the circle around the whole family that keeps you grounded and working together.
It's hard for the other step parent to give just a little more than generous, give just a little more til it hurts that is required to face the hard situations. The situations where money is a factor, the situation where injury is the factor, if you err on the side of being just a little more generous than the biological parent, then you are on your way to freedom.
And then the part about discipline, you can't discipline the other biological parent's child. All you can do is cooperatively enforce the boundaries the biological parent has put in place.
We read this book in connection with counseling by Dr. Johnson trying to sort out the difficult issues in a blended family. The whole paradigm in the new family is that you can't separate his and hers and while it feels risky to not draw those lines, it's what actually keeps you together. It's drawing the circle around the whole family that keeps you grounded and working together.
It's hard for the other step parent to give just a little more than generous, give just a little more til it hurts that is required to face the hard situations. The situations where money is a factor, the situation where injury is the factor, if you err on the side of being just a little more generous than the biological parent, then you are on your way to freedom.
And then the part about discipline, you can't discipline the other biological parent's child. All you can do is cooperatively enforce the boundaries the biological parent has put in place.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 13, 2024
0.36 stars out of 5. This covers reeks of terribly written romantic stories. If I saw this on the shelf. Would not buy.
However, as we read this in preparation for getting married, Katherine and I loved this book. It opened up intimate questions in our lives that is crucial to enjoying a fantastic marriage. Although, at times it was awkward, it was a great reminder that I married my best friend in the world. And it felt great to reveal some of those things that are difficult to share with people.
The book was written for couples falling out of love deep in their marriage, but we still found it as a beautiful reminder to deposit the love tokens early in our relationship to flourish for later on. 4 out of 5 would recommend!
However, as we read this in preparation for getting married, Katherine and I loved this book. It opened up intimate questions in our lives that is crucial to enjoying a fantastic marriage. Although, at times it was awkward, it was a great reminder that I married my best friend in the world. And it felt great to reveal some of those things that are difficult to share with people.
The book was written for couples falling out of love deep in their marriage, but we still found it as a beautiful reminder to deposit the love tokens early in our relationship to flourish for later on. 4 out of 5 would recommend!
January 8, 2010
Several good principles, I liked his idea of the love bank model. This is an interesting take on the psychological/behavioral aspects of "Falling in Love". I am less convinced by his idea of "Giver/Taker" and his policy of "Joint Agreement" is badly flawed. You will need to do a lot of things one or both of you are not enthusiastic about. It also ignores that Man is supposed to sacrifice himself for the well-being (and happiness) of his wife the way Christ did for the Church, and make the final decision when you disagree(and be at fault when it all goes wrong).
February 2, 2008
This book has really helped my husband and I understand each others needs. For so long, we were loving each other the way WE wanted to be loved. This pointed out that what men need is so different from what women need. Now that we understand what the other person needs, we both try harder to meet those. It has helped us find common ground in our relationship. It has helped us understand our marriage and each other.
January 10, 2016
The most user friendly and effective marriage book I have ever read (or worked through)! Harley doesn't tolerate excuses from those who say they want a great marriage, but aren't willing to do the work. If you want to create and maintain a loving relationship, it's all here. The information and worksheets are straightforward, but powerful.
January 14, 2009
Wow! Took our marriage to the next level. The stuff my husband had been telling me our whole marriage finally sunk in... "you mean that stuff really IS important to you?" Everyone should read it!
March 8, 2015
Good read!
A reminder of how important it is to invest in a marriage. I enjoyed the section on how to negotiate with your partner. I would recommend it for those who have been married for less than 10 years because some of the issues he is dealing with is what some of us are struggling with.
A reminder of how important it is to invest in a marriage. I enjoyed the section on how to negotiate with your partner. I would recommend it for those who have been married for less than 10 years because some of the issues he is dealing with is what some of us are struggling with.
Want to read
September 2, 2008Marriage
January 1, 2013
Opened my eyes to a good relationship. the key to a good relationship and all the things i have been doing wrong. thanks.
May 19, 2013
"His Needs, Her Needs" was better. This felt like a rehash.
April 15, 2019
One of the best marriage books ever!!!!
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews