Stepmother

by Marianne Lile

Stepmother tells the story of Marianne Lile, who met a man, fell in love, got married, and arrived home from the honeymoon with a new label: stepmom. It was a role she initially embraced—but she quickly discovered she was alone in a difficult situation, with no handbook and no mentor. Here, Lile describes the complexities of the stepmom position, in a family and in the community, and shares her experience wearing a tag that is often misunderstood and weighed down by the numerous myths in society. Candid and poignant, Stepmother is a story of love and like, resentments and exasperation, resignation and hope—and a story, ultimately, of family.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

242 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 27, 2016

Reviews

[J.A. Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

To love a man so much that you're willing to endure his irascible ex, his often lost and disgruntled children and all the excess baggage that comes with a broken family is admirable (at the very least). I couldn't help thinking of my own mother as I made my way through this no holds barred memoir. When I was thirteen, she married a man with four children and an ex-wife who raged with anger for years. It was a mess and I'm grateful for my mother's peacemaking skills (I'm planning to call her later today and tell her so). Stepmother is an honest and accurate account of a woman brave enough to share the caretaking and responsibility of children who may never fully acknowledge the profound contribution she's made to their lives. It's a great read!

[Louise Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

The story of Marianne Lile who married the man she loved and became a stepmother. A role she embraced but soon discovered she was in a difficult situation. Told from the heart the experiences being a stepmother brings.

I would like to thank Net Galley, She Writes Press and the author Marianne Lile for my ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Laurie Buchanan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I respect authors who say what they mean and mean what they say, and that’s precisely what you get from straight-shooting Marianne Lile in STEPMOTHER: A MEMOIR; a book that doesn’t sugarcoat the realities and intricacies of a blended household, while deftly weaving humor into the colorful tapestry of family life. Rich and smooth, this book gives stepmotherhood a wise and authentic voice.

[Sarah Doherty · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having come from a family with divorced parents, this memoir gave me an excellent perspective on the other side of things, from an adult's point of view. It was hard not to develop a fondness for Marianne and all that she went through in her role as stepmother; you could really tell that she took on her stepkids as her own and made an effort to be a positive influence in their lives. The thing that really irked me reading this book was her insistence on talking about money and how many money issues they had; yet she was so quick to mention all the lavish meals they ate, the memorable family vacations they went on, the convertibles they rented on such vacations, the lovely home they lived and entertained extensively in, their ability to put their children through college, and the fact that they were generally comfortable enough to survive on a single income (that of her husband). Personally, I know that is not at all the reality for many separated parents or blended families who in fact they struggle immensely with the pressure of monetary problems combined with long working hours - I found this aspect of the novel a bit unbearable to read about over and over again.

[Anne Dunham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stepmother. How many of us there are out here! And each of us has a slightly different story to tell. This personal story has many incidents each of us can relate to. But each of us has a different situation and a different temperament. The real value of this book is that it honestly explores the rewards and challenges of dealing with our situations. It opens the closet door by presenting a dialogue of a familiar situation that has long been on the slightly taboo list of personal stories. It’s about time! We all—both children and adults—try for a perfect life. But sometimes life changes or goes awry. This does not have to be the end of the world. We can all—moms, dads, and kids—adjust and eventually live together in hope, harmony, and love. This book explores that possibility.

[Betty Hafner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fascinating look at the multitude of issues that come with step parenting. The deep love between Marianne and her husband is tested again and again. His daughter is volatile and quick to sob. His son is stone-faced and quick to withdraw. Their mother's bitterness is an ever-present challenge. The kids are at Marianne's and their dad's home every other night, necessitating a constant need for the two households to communicate. Marianne must go through this without nearby friends, for the community has sided with "the mother." Highly recommended for those interested in family relationships.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this entire book. The author put great effort into explaining how hard it is to be a stepmom, which I believe. She also appears to have put great effort into caring for her stepkids. I really didn't like how the author spent most of the book talking about her, her, her. I don't think she showed a fraction of the compassion that she should have towards the stepkids, although I believe she thinks she did. Also, there are a few typos. I came away feeling that this author was very self-centered, although the words she used tried to paint a different picture. However, if you are a stepparent, you will probably really like this book.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

As the title suggests, Stepmother is a memoir about Marianne Lile’s experience marrying an older man with two children from a previous marriage and raising their family together. The book takes place mostly during the early 1990’s in Washington state and focuses mainly on Lile’s first few years as a stepparent – trials, tribulations and anecdotes.

As other reviewers have noted, stepparents or live-in partners will easily relate to Lile’s account. This book is recommended to partners who are considering taking on the role of a stepparent. It does a thorough job of examining many of the daily challenges involved in being a part of a blended family. The first half of the book reads as a very entertaining, chronological piece. After that, there is a slight organizational breakdown. Lile tries to address certain themes with the remaining chapters, and succeeds, but in a disjointed and sometimes slightly repetitive fashion. Overall, the book is a good read with valuable insights.

I received this book as a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review. Thanks to the author/publisher for participating in the giveaway.

[Linda Atwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and read it in just a couple days. I loved her voice and how it seemed like she wrote it as if we were sitting in her living room and having a chat. Although I do not have stepchildren, her story sure opened my eyes to what a person would have to go through when they do. It is a lot more complicated than one would think. I felt Lile was a lot more patient than I would've been in such a situation (or at least I imagine my patience would run thinner, sooner, than Lile's). Her story was an honest account of a difficult situation. But she also shared the rewards. I sure hope the children have a greater appreciation for this particular stepmother. It seems like she was willing to make a lot of sacrifices to be a part of this family. Good job, Marianne.

[Donna Cameron · Rating 5 out of 5]

While there’s no playbook for women who marry a man with children—thus assuming the label “stepmother”—Marianne Lile’s book will be both eye-opening and instructive for anyone who finds herself in that position. For that matter, a man becoming “stepfather” will also surely relate, as would the spouse for whom they have embraced that new and foreign role. Lile explores the topic from a variety of perspectives—some that I would not have thought of—always with sensitivity and wisdom. Her observations are astute and her writing is elegant. This memoir was a pleasure to read and it’s one I will recommend to any “steps” in my acquaintance.

[Linda Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although my situation was different, they all are, there were so many stories in this book that I all I had to do was change the names. Everything else was exactly as it happened to me. The step mother is always on the outside no matter how hard she tries to bond the blended family together. I am a step mother and a step child so I can see it from both sides.

If you are part of a blended family or know someone who is, Stepmother paints a very accurate picture of how the love that starts the blended family takes a back seat once the I do's are said.

[Amy Christiansen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lile writes an engaging memoir of the beginning of stepmotherhood. As a stepmom myself, I was able to relate to her recollections of dealing with the birth mom. I think this is a good read for a stepmom looking to relate or a birth mom looking to gain perspective. As Lile shares, it's not easy being a stepmom. All too often we do "Mom" things, but don't get "Mom" credit.

[Martha B. Palazesi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wordy

Not what I expected,not enough humanizing and too much generalizing about the "subject" of steparenting. A little like a textbook, but some nice moments. As a stepchild this struck me as both realistic and unrealistic....everyone has a different experience and there is no "right" way to blend families.

[Betty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read.

I’ve not been a stepmother but felt the urge to read this book because I have many friends and family that are step parents. This is an insight into blended families (which I am part of) in general that many may not think about. A recommended read for anyone that is one, knows one or may become one.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good..

I liked this true account of step-parenting, but I think the book could have been shorter; it got a little boring. It would have been interesting to hear the step-kids perspectives.

[Jennifer Posner · Rating 4 out of 5]

So like parts of my life

I really enjoyed this book and the author's honesty. It definitely hit close to home. It was realistic showing the good and bad.

[KT · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

I love the adults in this story !
There seems to be an entire community of children that do not like to share their marbles.

[Virginia Simpson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stepmother offers wisdom and a view into the challenges and rewards of being a stepmother

Because I am a stepmother of two and had four stepchildren in my prior marriage, I wanted to read this book to know another stepmom's experience. Although Lile's story is uniquely hers, she also speaks for those of us who know what it's like to be the least important "shadow" person in a family. Not that there aren't rewards in being a stepmother, but Lile shows the level of patience, wisdom, grit, and love that is necessary.
I wish I had had this book when I first became a stepparent so that I could have learned from Lile how to be stronger, kinder, wiser, and more loving. Stepmother is a worthy read.

[Debi Stout · Rating 4 out of 5]

So how many of you watched the Brady Bunch growing up? That "blended family" with the stepmother and the stepfather and everyone was in perfect harmony? Yeah, me too. Guess what? Turns out that show didn't really depict how the whole blended family thing really works at all - at least not in my world.

Seems like everyone I know has been married, divorced and then remarried one or two times. They have (or are) stepmothers, stepfathers, stepchildren, step-extended family or family of preference or whatever they are calling it these days (excuse my lack of political correctness here). I have cousins who have been married the same number of times that they have chosen to reproduce. While it makes it easy to count for some of us who are unclear which marriage they are in, it makes family tree charting insane!

When I saw the name of this book, Stepmother: A Memoir, by Marianne Lile, I was pretty sure it was going to be a good book because it relates to a real topic head on. It could go either way too - you could have the kind of stepmother that we think of from the fairytales - the "evil stepmother" - right? I know I do. Then, there's the over-compensating kind that let the kids get away with everything or irritate the ex-wife to no end - something like the movie with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon called Stepmom. Then there's the kind like one of my childhood best friends had - she stepped right in but didn't overtake the house. She was there and loved on those kids when they needed her and as my friends look back now, they realize they gained a mother in their hearts thanks to their stepmom.

In Stepmother: A Memoir, Marianne shares her struggles with readers in a very honest way. She shows us the difficulties she experienced as she learned her role as a stepmother. At times I was laughing and at others, I was crying just reading her walk. At the end of the day, the most important thing is the love of family no matter how it is blended, and that's exactly what Lile shows us in this book.

Marianne fell in love, became a new wife, and then BAM! She was instant mother of two stepchildren. She gives us a very good narrative, and it's very down to earth. It feels like a neighbor just sharing her story with a friend. She shares how emotional and complicated the "step" relationship can be, and she also shares the rewards of successes. She's never vindictive or mean and you never see that horrible fairytale stepmother appear, although with the day-to-day struggles involved in this blended family situation, I'm sure it could have gone another way. Marianne shows readers how it is done. Kudo's to her and her family for making it through the growth period and coming out the other side alive and well!

I received a complimentary paperback copy of this book from BookSpark and the publisher as part of the #MagicofMemoir Tour!

[Christine Grabowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up Stepmother based on a recommendation from a friend. It pulled me right in. It was a quick paced, easy read that I devoured in two days.

Only when I was partway through I realized I was reading a Diverse Book, something that I have pledged to read more of this year. It wasn’t diversity in terms of race, religion or sexual preference as I normally think of when I think diverse book. However, Marianne endured the stereotypes of being a stepmother and I realize blended families are another type of diversity. I am fortunate that I have been married over 20 years and both my parents and in-laws are also still together. However, once I expand my circle to include siblings, cousins, and close friends, I have lots of blended or shattered families in my life. I always knew they had their own set of difficulties but this book opened my eyes to all of the issues that they have to face on a daily basis.

Marianne wrote the book in a way that would appeal to stepmothers and non-stepmothers alike. Although it was from her point of view as the stepmother she truly emphasized with all the other people and showed their sides to the reader, particularly her husband and two stepchildren. But she also gave us an idea of what it must be like for all the extended families, her stepchildren’s mother, her biological child, and the community when a new family is created after a divorce.

Having read this book I will take a closer look at how I treat the blended families, divorced parents, single parents, and their children often standing on the edge of the soccer games. They deserve much more than a polite nod.

[Marlene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Did you ever read a book and think … I swear this book was written about me! Marianne couldn’t have portrayed my life better if I was the main character of the story. Finally, a book that I can TOTALLY relate to! Let’s be honest, being a stepparent isn’t as rosy and sunny as the Brady’s made it out to be. Don’t get me wrong, it can be at times, but there is a whole other side to blended families. And to hear Marianne’s portrayal of it was not only spot on, but it was honest and refreshing.

Thirteen years ago I married my husband. He had two children from a previous marriage, as did I. For the most part we all got along, but there were times when it was a struggle. We all want to think that all rules apply to everyone, regardless of if it’s your biological child or step-child. (And, speaking of the word step, it’s one that I’ve tried to keep out of my vocabulary. To me, it was just another way to isolate.) But, for us, there were times when I would think a child should be treated a certain way and he would think differently … and vice versa. It’s times like these where we would like to be PC and say we will parent the children the same. But the reality was, the biological parent had the final say in how the biological child got treated. End of story.

Marianne tells her thoughts on being a stepparent, being thrown into a whole other family, and how she dealt with it. She writes in such a way that, even if you aren’t a stepparent, you still feel like you can relate to what she’s been through; or know someone who can!

[Valerie Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you hesitate to read Stepmother: A Memoir by Marianne Lile because you’re not a stepmother or you don’t usually read memoirs, you could lose out on a warm and rewarding reading experience. Believe me, I fall into both camps and am glad I ventured into this wonderful story.



Stepmother is a poignant and tender story about a woman who says “I do” when she could’ve said, “I did what?” Her journey from being a representative, a.k.a. lobbyist, of a nurses’ association in Washington State to falling in love and marrying, Art, a state representative and immediately becoming stepmom to his two teenage children, Ashton and Katherine, is authentic and relatable.



Ms. Lile’s storytelling voice is smooth and engaging. I can almost hear her in my mind. While we can try to imagine what it must be like to be a stepmother, Ms. Lile invites us into her world and provides us with the God’s honest truth. She shares with us the many trials of managing a blended family—stepchildren, new baby, in-laws, and ex-wife—at the same time facing deep concerns about her own parents and siblings.



And if she didn’t have enough on her plate already, the broader community she’d moved into didn’t make the situation any easier. How she came to lobby for herself, as well as her new blended family, is epitomized in this moving story that, I believe, all women…and men…will benefit from reading.

[Karen Meadows · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love when a book I read expands my awareness and this book did. I am not a stepmother but after reading Marianne Lile's memoir "Stepmother", I have a new understanding of the issues and challenges a stepmother faces. As Marianne talks about the many challenges she faced, she fairly provides perspectives from all sides of the family. An honest portrayal of the strength, love and generosity it may take for a blended family to succeed. This book also helps debunk some of the negative, prevalent myths about stepmothers. It had to have taken courage to write and publish this book so, Bravo Marianne.

[Rita · Rating 5 out of 5]

As with any good story, Marianne Lile took me to another world and let me watch it unfold as she told her story. I marveled at her tenacity and active love in a very difficult situation. Any loving mother will recognize her determination to set her children up for success by giving them her best. I am not a stepmother and she showed me nuances of the role that I have never considered. I ended the book with tremendous respect and appreciation for Marianne's work and love as a stepmother - and by extension for all stepmothers.

[India Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the heart this author shared her experiences as a step mother, and the moral of the story is, be careful with whom you fall in love. There was book some years back that said you marry a man's former wives along with him, and now we know we will also marry his children.

[Ashley Tovar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every parenting & especially every step parenting journey is different but this book openly & honestly touches on a lot of the ups & downs that I feel are universal in blended families. I felt the preface dragged on a bit but overall it was a good & touching story of joy & frustration.

[Beverly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anyone who is a stepmother can relate to Marianne! A blended family faces unique challenges, but in the end, it is a family full of love.

[Mary]

“Stepmother” is a realistic account of the daily reality of a smart women who gives up a job she loves to marry a man with two children. As if that weren’t disorienting enough, she also moves to the small town, even the house, where the kids’ mom lives to minimize disruption to them. (This probably gave a hint of where the priorities are.) You can’t help but admire the heroine as she makes one more gourmet meal, takes deep breaths through insulting behavior, and plants more flowers – and occasionally “loses it” completely. What I appreciate most is that she is honest with the reader, never making things out to be easier than they were, never romanticizing. She got through it with patience, persistence, love, an openness to the good things about the kids, support from her family, and professional help from therapists and lawyers. A good yarn, as my mother would say, and one that will give encouragement to anyone going through this situation herself.

[Sandy Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very helpful read.

[Chelsea]

"There is no ceremony for stepparents. No stepmom shower. No waiting for the official papers as you would for an adoption. No party balloons. All of a sudden, you are standing at the doorstep of life with people who have already had parents who lived together in the same house." Page 20.

This memoir is a reminder that so far, as a stepmother, I have it easy. It also reinforces how incredibly isolated we (stepparents) are because of the compartmentalization of our lives and the uncalled for snubbing from society.

I've read several stepmothering books - both memoirs and of the self-help variety. I could relate enough to Lile to enjoy it and find validation, while also distancing myself from it enough to be glad I've not found myself in her specific situation. Yet.