Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love

by Richard A. Isay

What's love got to do with it? Everything, according to Richard Isay's informed and illuminating look at the role of romance in modern gay life. I highly recommend this book for people of any generation and partnership status.
--Dean H. Hamer, Ph.D., author of The Science of Desire and The God Gene

""Richard Isay offers something far better than simple bromides and false hope. In this book, he challenges us with a provocative, illuminating, and ultimately hopeful look at ourselves and explains how those of us who yearn to love and be loved (and who doesn't?) can best find happiness and healing in a committed relationship.""
--Eric Marcus, author of The Male Couple's Guide and Together Forever

""Many gay men (and others, too) are likely to find this book exceptionally interesting and helpful. In a series of vividly illuminating case histories and with a psychoanalyst's depth and clarity of insight, Richard Isay lucidly explains why gay men have particular difficulty in establishing and sustaining loving relationships and how they might sensibly improve their chances of doing so.""
--Harry G. Frankfurt, Ph.D., author of On Bullshit and The Reasons of Love

""Richard Isay's portrayals of gay men's lives are likely to be controversial. Isay is not the stereotypical psychoanalyst who sits quietly while his patients ramble--and we're all the better for that. He has something to say and what he says is worth hearing. This provocative book should be read by anyone who yearns for but hasn't yet found real love.""
--William Rubenstein, Founding Director of the Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and former Director of the ACLU Lesbian & Gay Rights Project

""Based on Dr. Isay's three decades of experience working with gay men in therapy, this is a deeply thoughtful study of the difficulties gay men may experience with falling and staying in love. For a gay man, reading this book may cause him to revisit some dark places along his own life's journey, but it will also give him a glimpse of the self-affirmation and capacity for change that are the goals of gay-positive psychotherapy.""
--Simon LeVay, Ph.D., author of Human Sexuality and Queer Science

""Indispensable insights from America's wisest observer of gay relationships.""
--Charles Kaiser, author of The Gay Metropolis

""Gay people seek the freedom to marry for the same mix of reasons as non-gay people, and for most, love and commitment are central. Drawing on his exceptional expertise and decades of stories from his patients, Richard Isay explores the challenges and value of romantic love--how to overcome our pasts and enrich our present lives at home--as we build a future of greater equality and inclusion in society.""
--Evan Wolfson, author of Why Marriage Matters

Genres: LGBT, Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction

160 pages, Hardcover

First published April 30, 2006

Reviews

[Matthew Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an important book. Often in the LGBTQ+ community, there is an idea that the typical queer relationship (ie brief encounters, predominately non-monogamous) is more democratic and simply better, especially in comparison to the traditional view of patriarchal heterosexual marriages. Gay men who seek long-term committed relationships are often accosted and criticized for being unreasonable or even selfish, not being able to transcend the idea of monogamy.

But for me, monogamy is an opportunity to grow with someone, to spend life supporting and being supported. I have often felt like an outsider in the community for wanting a committed, long-term relationship as a gay man. This book gave me hope that, for those who want to experience the pleasure of sharing their life with someone, they can make that happen by confronting their childhood pain. Highly recommend 😊

[Armando · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came into my life at the perfect moment and provided me with the insight I couldn't develop for myself for so many years. I feel like I understand myself better and why I've been unable properly seek love, show love, accept love, and sustain love. I highly recommend this book.

[Aidan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do not agree with everything Isay posits, but I recognize that his is an excellent analysis and valuable insight. I liked his other two books -- Becoming Gay, Being Homosexual -- better. Where Commitment and Healing gets it right is the value it places on relationships and romantic love, and how they can be a source of happiness and strength in the lives of gay men. I wholly agree with that.

The reason I hold Isay in such a high regard is not because of his theory/analysis itself so much, but rather because of the warmth of tone, his caring and concerned approach, and his empathy. His insight is brilliant and his reasoning sound. This is what makes his writings of such high quality.

[Adam · Rating 1 out of 5]

awful, but it was a short read and only suffered through it for 4 hours for a bookclub discussion

[Chris Mecham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well that depressed the shit out of me. Much of it I long suspected, but it was nice to have validation. Just file me under "broken beyond repair" and I'll go cry myself to sleep.

[Daniel Bastardo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fascinating read on the psychological complexities gay men experience in finding and sustaining love. It was revealing to read about some of the patient stories shared and how their childhood and relationships with their parents had defined the way they sought and experienced love. I wish there had been more in-depth exploration of the subject but, overall, I found the book compelling and interesting.

[Nick]

Lost some credibility with the Freudian musings. However, certain aspects rang true to my own life and have helped me integrate a more healthy view of what I want to get and receive in relationships. I would recommend it for any gay man as a useful self-reflection tool.

[Brandon Shire · Rating 1 out of 5]

Freudian based theories about gay men with bad childhoods = they can't have/find love. Postulations were insulting and seemed to be derived from the perspective of a heterosexual mindset about the seeming vagaries of gay relationships.

Pick this up for a research piece and found it to be a waste of time and money.