Harley and Me: Embracing Risk on the Road to a More Authentic Life

by Bernadette Murphy

What happens when women in midlife step out of what's predictable? For Bernadette Murphy, learning to ride a motorcycle at forty-eight becomes the catalyst that transforms her from a settled wife and professor with three teenage children into a woman on her own. The confidence she gained from mastering a new skill and conquering her fears gave her the courage to face deeper issues in her own life and start taking risks. It is a fact that men and women alike become more risk averse in our later years —which according to psychologists and neuroscience is exactly what we should not do. And Murphy stresses that while hers is a story of transformation using a physical risk, emotional and educational risks can serve the same beneficial purpose for other women.

Murphy uses her own story to explore the larger idea of how risk changes our brain chemistry, how certain personality types embrace dangerous behavior and why it energizes them, and why women's expectations change once estrogen levels drop after the childbearing years. She also explores the idea of women and risk in pop culture—why there are so few stories of the conquering heroine (instead of hero)?

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

320 pages, Paperback

First published May 10, 2016

About the author

Bernadette Murphy writes about literature, women, risk taking, and life -- from motorcycles to knitting. She has published three books of narrative nonfiction (the bestselling Zen and the Art of Knitting, The Knitter’s Gift, and The Tao Gals’ Guide to Real Estate); her newest book, Look, Lean Roll: A Woman, A Motorcycle, and Plunging into Risk, will be published in Spring 2016 by Counterpoint Press. She is an Associate Professor in the Creative Writing Department of Antioch University Los Angeles and a former weekly book critic for the Los Angeles Times. Her essays have appeared in Ms. magazine, Los Angeles Times Magazine, The Rumpus, The Nervous Breakdown, San Francisco Chronicle, The Oregonian, San Jose Mercury News, Newsday, BOOK magazine, and elsewhere. She holds an MFA in Creative Writing and is the mother of three amazing young adults. Her website is Bernadette-Murphy.com.

Reviews

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first met Bernadette Murphy at the Y, where we were both watching children swim back and forth in a swim class-- the most boring thing on earth. A redheaded woman, she was reading a book full of post-it notes--a reviewer! We quickly started up a conversation. Now, 20 years later, her memoir Harley and Me has appeared, about how learning to ride a motorcycle in middle age has changed her life.

The book is divided into three major sections, Look, Lean and Roll, based on the elementary instructions on how to ride into a curve on a motorcycle. Steer where you're looking, lean into the curve, and roll on out. The second one is the tough one, because it's counter-instinctual. You start to lean on a 350 pound bike, and whoa! You want to lean the other way. But if you don't lean enough, you don't make the turn. All of this supremely metaphorical for making a change in your life.

I liken it to becoming a chrysalis. Caterpillars don't sprout wings and legs and those curly tongues from their long wormy bodies. They actually dissolve and reconstitute themselves in a new form. It's a scary process, this becoming ourselves. But in midlife, with a dying father and a marriage that was coming apart, Murphy discovered that a major application of risk--learning to ride a Harley--had its repercussions up and down her life, and the resonances are still occurring.

From its first wobbly jaunts, to a cross country ride, and subsequent journey to the South Pacific where she lived for several months, Harley and Me gives us a road-map for re-wilding a life. Women in middle age tend to be smarter than the average bear, and therefore try very hard to get everything right, do everything right, avoid accidents and exposure to risk. But strangely enough, we start to feel the walls pressing in. . This timely memoir is the opposite of a book like Cheryl Strayed's Wild, in a funny way--it's not about getting your life together, it’s how to loosen up on a well-lived life to make space for the unexpected.

It's a completely honest, sometimes shocking little book--sexuality is dealt with in a very openhanded way--and in a world full of "inspirational" books, this one really did inspire me to push my courage index up a few notches. After finishing it, I finally, for example, taught my daughter to drive the LA Freeways, something I had been chickening out on for years.Riding shotgun with a newish and uncertain driver on the freeways, doing some complex maneuvering, I found myself saying, "Imagine if you were on a motorcycle!" which I found instantly relaxing.

There's something about the example of courage that seems to call up courage in the observer, and I think that's the purpose Murphy intended of her frank and gutsy memoir.

[Sharman Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this fast and in a rush! And that's a compliment. Bernadette Murphy is a colleague of mine at Antioch University and someone I admire as a teacher and writer. And now—to know her as a biker, leaning into those curves, wearing that leather, reveling in the sensuality—sexuality—of her motorcycle. Harley and Me is not just a new side to Bernadette. This memoir is also engaging writing and a compelling story of taking risks in middle age, as a woman, as an explorer of one’s own mind and body, as a writer.

Because Harley and Me is not just about physical risk. This is also a story of divorce and parenting and family relationships, of sex and death. That kind of self-revelation is also risky, and along with her tales of climbing ice and rappelling down mountain, Bernadette scales those walls, too.

What a privilege it is, always, to enter into someone else’s world like this, letting someone else’s language become your language, someone else’s experiences become your experience. This only happens, of course, when the language is strong and the experiences vividly described and the writing so smart and seemingly effortless. This is a gift.

[Robert Morgan Fisher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Murphy leaves no stone unturned in this unflinching examination of her midlife crisis. The science of why she chose to embrace risk and ride a Harley (and other activities) is particularly interesting. I know Bernadette personally and found this true to her indomitable, intellectually-curious spirit. A must-read for anyone at a midlife crossroads.

[Siel Ju · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Am I able to risk knowing who I really am?”
*
Woman learns to ride a motorcycle — then upends her life by taking more risks — like rock climbing, half-marathoning in Bali, and leaving a decades-long marriage. I picked up Bernadette’s unexpected coming of middle age memoir after we were on a panel together at Skylight Books — and I’m glad I did. It reiterated for me the value of trying things you’re bad at, getting vulnerable, and going boldly into the unknown.

[Kate Maruyama · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mixing personal memoir with practical science, Murphy takes us on an honest, open journey that is hilarious, fascinating and deeply human. This has become a must-have for friends of a certain age as we enter the second half of our lives and find our needs may not match our partners'. Get this for any woman friend reaching a big decade birthday!

[Sondra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightenment on the Road
Stellar! I drank down this book in one gulp. Filled with raw and honest insights, Murphy's 'Harley and Me' takes us deep inside young middle age and what it means to be a woman on a quest to break out of the 'old usual' into the new. Murphy claims new ground, writing with equal parts confusion, compassion and conquest. As much as I admire Cheryl Strayed, this is a 'Wild' for grown-ups. With a literary terrain ripe for voices of the burgeoning 'baby boomer' population, Murphy's brave forays into and beyond the threshold of this rich landscape is astounding. Studded with super-accessible literary and scientific references that range from endocrinology to death to the anatomy of risk-taking, 'Harley and Me' does an ab-fab job of keeping you in the sidecar of a well-considered quest and an ultimately empowered life. You'll learn as much (and more) about yourself (take the tests!) as you do about Bernadette, someone who struggles to and ultimately becomes an enlightened and an organic part of the world around her. If you don't know much about motorcycles, it's pretty cool too. A triumph! (Or rather, a Harley!) Anyway, read this. Really.

[Krista Varela Posell · Rating 3 out of 5]

To be fair, I probably was the wrong audience for this book and picked it up with different expectations of what it should have been. This is the second women's motorcycle memoir I've read this year because I also ride and have been desperate to find one that resonates with my experience. But this is probably more for someone who hasn't ridden before and wants to understand the allure, or for someone who's into travel writing and wants to see the unique lens of a motorcyclist. It's clear that the writer did a lot of research to write this book, but for me, all the interjections about risk-taking and neuroscience just took away from the tension of her story. I craved more scenes to understand why her marriage fell apart and how her mother's mental illness shaped who she became. So although yes, it's technically a memoir, I'd categorize it in the broader realm of nonfiction, which is probably why I was disappointed. But again, I guess that's on me for failing to read the cover jacket more closely when I picked it up.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspiring, uplifting, candid, and fun to read--just a few of the glowing adjectives I can apply to Bernadette Murphy's new book, Harley and Me: Embracing Risk on the Road to a More Authentic Life. Bernadette embraced a Harley Sportster on a 5000-mile cross-country ride--and in other adventures learned to rock climb, ice climb and paddle an outrigger canoe in open ocean--as means to pull herself through fear and despair toward optimism and self-confidence when her marriage failed. This book tells that exciting story but also offers every reader a roadmap toward self-actualization, with or without a Harley. "Lean into what scares you with all your might. Throw your body into that turn even when it feels like it will kill you," she advises, adding, in conclusion, that "risk is not just the possibility that something bad or unpleasant will happen, but the certainty that something new and unexpected will occur."

[Melanie Page · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not writing out the posts from my blog anymore. Getting the formatting right takes a long time, time I don't want to waste when I'm trying to keep up with the #20BooksofSummer challenge!

HERE is my review of Harley and ME over at Grab the Lapels!

[Annij67yahoo.Com · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a woman of a certain age, I loved this book! I'm pretty sure Bernadette Murphy is a genius. Yes, she offers up a perfect heroine to begin balancing out all hero story examples, but I'm pretty sure she has managed to do so much more than that without being perjoratively didactic. No where does Murphy mention Robert Pirsig's 1974 tome Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenace, but it seems she has greatly simplified Pirsig's Metaphysics of Quality by connecting her ideas to Paul J. Zak's "Morality Molecule." In Zen..., Pirsig attempts to show that humans can connect with technology as an other(and the self); Murphy proves it. While it seems obvious that Murphy is trying to prove she is not crazy like her mother by justifying her midlife crisis with biochemistry, she doesn't need to, she just needs to "let the soft animal of [her] body love what it loves." And she does! Murphy does a wonderful job of "rewilding" herself which in turns offers all women who will inevitable following in her footsteps "hope that our silent spring can be replaced by a raccous summer." You won't want to miss this journey to enlightment via a viberating Harley Davidson. Thank you, Bernadette, you've given me courage to lean into life like its a tight curve such as can be found riding Angeles Crest Highway, only I'll be doing it on a Triumph.

This book maybe could have used another proofreader.

I'm game if anyone wants to chat about this book as compared to Pirsig's. I have much to learn, but I would enjoy the journey.

[Francis · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's not a story about a fearful woman becoming an opposite. Before learning motorcycle, she was already a pro skateboarder, and mountaineering 14'er. I was a little hesitant to continue reading after learning this. However, the rest of her passages went into the difficulty of embracing yourself especially as a woman in her situation. It's a worthwhile reading.
The book did not end with a sense of finality; instead, Bernadette Murphy leaves a note for continuation. Through her stories about overcoming what life throws at us, or trying out new things, we learn that we need not to hold back, and can always "land on our feet".
Murphy included a lot of her scientific research on risk taking. I'm not used to dwelling so much into academic studies in a memoir. However, it is nice that her final paragraphs ended with her account as an actual scientific study subject.

[Jackie Rogers · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bernadette Murphy writes of her mid-life. Wont say crises because she finally awakens to her real self and chooses to live her life differently. Her children are adults and she is not happy in her marriage so decides it is time to part from her husband. Leading up to this decision is a motorcycle. She learns to ride and buys a Harley and is on her way to take some risks. She does research and tells in her book of the chemicals in our brain that work on our thoughts and risk taking. Find this chemistry interesting and enlightening. She has the time of her life exploring different hobby's that can involve risks. She learned to change her life and grow in many directions. Not for everyone, but a good adventure. Thanks to Goodreads.

[Lainie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read an advance reader's copy, so the proofing had yet to be done. Aside from the distraction of missing words, misspelled words, incorrect punctuation, etc. I very much enjoyed this memoir. Murphy tells a raw and openhearted story, with *almost too much* scientific stuff about the chemistry of risk and hormones. At about page 80 I was ready to chuck it. I'm glad I didn't. Much respect for daring to tell the story in a naked and vulnerable way. I found it inspiring. No, I'm not going to go buy a motorcycle, but it was inspiring nonetheless.

Recommended for middle-aged and senior men and women who suspect they aren't done yet.

[Jeremy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Torn between a 3 and 4 star rating. I was expecting it to be more about motorcycling, and some of the content seemed tangential until I figured out it's not strictly a moto-book. Well-written and a good choice for someone who likes memoir or nonfiction about women exploring new choices and interests.

[Phyllis Swenson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice story.. Didn't keep me continuously reading. I do recommend others read this book though... Specific others. This is a story of a woman who reinvents herself in her 50's, her stuggles and her journey.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book about womanhood, motorcycle life, and self discovery. There is a detour to sexual exploits fyi. At the end it discusses the ability to keep going after heart break and breaks away from motorcycles mostly.

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great example of a hybrid memoir. Really enjoyed this one.

[Beth Browne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not a fan of motorcycles, but I'm very familiar with life changes at midlife, which is what this book is really about. It's very well-written and well-researched. Loved it.

[Melanie Hatter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a wonderful read! Inspiring and thought-provoking.

[Patricia]

Murphy's memoir fits into a sub-genre of memoir that I find intriguing--stories about how women navigate midlife. My book, "Between Two Women," is a also part of this subset, and that's what I truly found fascinating about "Harley and Me"--the parallels between my story and Murphy's. Of course, this is logical in that we were negotiating this stage of life with basically the same cultural conditioning, geographical location, and skill set as writers. What I enjoyed about Murphy's book was her exploration of risk-taking, especially for women. I liked the research about the brain that she wove into her story. And I liked comparing/contrasting the risks I took with hers. I also compared and contrasted her story of risk with Kate Evan's memoir, "Call it Wonder," and Lynn Darling's "Out of the Woods" and Laura Fraser's "All Over the Map." As I approach 70, I recognize the truth and wonder of these stories while also seeing how I'm in the midst of the next stage, one I only slightly understand--that point at which I'm "Staring at the Sun."

[Rachel Marie-Crane Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Initially, I was drawn to this book because I recently purchased a motorcycle (a vintage 1978 Yamaha xs400 named Harriet) and have enjoyed the experience of learning to ride. After reading about 20% of the pages I realized that the themes Murphy explores were much broader than just cycling. She takes some lovely journeys, both big and small, and meditates on risk taking and transformation at mid-life. While she battles her inner voices that scold her for being somewhat of a gender-bending cliche while turning away, at moments, from her "good Catholic girl" upbringing, she explores the neurological reasons for her actions and decisions. Some are grounded in her past, others in cultural expectations for women.
Murphy's book resonated with me because she beautifully maps out the internal relief and sadness of a divorce, the ways that motherhood shapes large portions of our lives, the awkward and wonderful reality of having a serious libido as an experienced woman, the joy of riding, and the introspective practices of a writer. These themes are braided into a series of stories about travel and experience that involve risk, disappointment, and reward.
If you are learning to ride, facing midlife, you have financial security and you are looking for adventure, getting divorced, and interested in the evolution of identity you will enjoy this book.
As a writer, Murphy is skilled at making her inner mindscape as interesting as some of the roadways and lagoons that she describes. Her style is fairly straightforward and without flowery prose. She is interesting in that while you experience the intimacy of her relationships you don't necessarily have access to the flaws of others who appear in her story. She is generous with her family and friends and deeply in love with her motorcycle. Her voice does betray a sense of vulnerability when she examines her own motives and actions. There are times when, as a reader, it is easy to feel her humility or the buzz of a new experience. This is the strength of this book; you really do feel as though you are riding 500 miles in her tall leather boots.

[Katie Devine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Confession: I have a lifelong fear of motorcycles, and when I ordered this book, I wasn't sure how it would resonate beyond what I knew would be beautiful writing by Bernadette Murphy. A few chapters in, my neck hurt from nodding along, because it turns out that it's really a story about life, and it's one that helps make sense of my own. I am still thinking about it this morning, and my thoughts are more grounded, less whirling than usual.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is well-researched, and I liked that she touched on important social concerns without the book turning into a confessional. However, I think the end should have come shortly after her major ride. I also think that some of the days turned the book into a travel journal, which is only so interesting to read about. The best parts were when she discussed risk taking, which is really what this memoir is about.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Harley and Me is a well-crafted exploration into the uncharted experiences of womanhood. Bernadette risks her safety and security in search of understanding and meaning. She's on the wild ride of life.

[Brandi]

I guess I'm not really the target audience for this book, and I am having a hard time finishing it. It is not what I thought it was going to be; I was expecting more of a travel memoir. Maybe I will finish it someday, but for now, I will move on to other books...