1 star ⭐️ Secular Middle-Grade
I was going to do two stars, but honestly, that’s too generous.
In one word, this book was pretty mediocre. It was okay (plot-wise), I guess, but I wasn’t wowed at all. The writing style was…rough and felt a little too much like an adult writing this book than having the voice of an actual 12 year old—which it was, I know, but it was more like someone watched a lot of Disney Channel shows of recent than was with actual kids—down to the text talking like “but u r the 1 who gave me this phone”. Some prime examples of the writing style:
“I’m so lucky. I might be the luckiest Batman-pajama-wearing, stealthy ninja girl on the planet!”
““Are you okay?” Toby asks from across the room. Am I okay? What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m not okay! Don’t even say the word “okay” to me, okay? Jeez.”
“Think about New York. Think about the courtyard pond at the Frick museum, so quiet and serene with the fountain gurgling in the middle and the lilies floating on the surface of the water. Yeah. That’s good. I like MoMA, too. And Shake Shack! Oh, that’s a good one. I could lose myself in fantasies about Shake Shack for days!”
“Cue the heart-eye emoji and stars twirling around my head. “Hi,” I croak. Tom has a mop of blond surfer hair and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. He wears a raggedy Nirvana T-shirt and scuffed-up Vans with a checkerboard print. There’s a hole in the knee of his jeans. He’s probably fourteen or fifteen, and he’s cool. I can just tell.”
“You know that moment when you’ve been playing Minecraft on hard mode and the hostile mobs are spawning, the creepers swarm and zombies are busting through the doors? You’re sure you’re dead, but suddenly you make it through and level up. The whole thing clicks into place and makes sense. I have that moment now. Except not with a video game.”
Abby was also incredibly disrespectful in ways that were probably supposed to be funny with lots of sarcasm and calling her mom by her first name, but just made her seem like a whinny brat. The storyline was choppy and things happened abruptly—especially at the beginning with an eight month time-skip that was jarring.
God’s name is taken in vain way more than I like to see ever, but especially in a middle-grade book. I wasn’t planning to read the rest of the series, but may try to read the next one since my library has it available…but also I probably won’t.
Main Content:
Abby thinks that a mean girl put a spell over her like a vampire or something, but tells the readers that she doesn’t believe in that “nonsense” and we shouldn’t either.
Mentions of luck; Mentions of Greek mythology (Persephone, Hades, and Demeter and their stories); A few mentions of astrology signs; A mention of someone having more money than God according to the Internet; A mention of a meditative pond at the school.
Language: God’s name is taken in vain 8 times; Words like freaking, crappy, and screwed; Some name calling like ‘jerk’ and ‘idiot’ (which sometimes hurts feelings); A couple mentions of curses (by adults, but not written out).
Abby has a “sharp tongue” and is very sassy/sarcastic throughout the book; Lying (including an adult telling Abby to lie to her friends because she does it “all the time” and it will get easier with practice, but Abby doesn’t want to do that); Eye rolling; When someone upsets her, Abby gets back at the person by being mean/taunting the person (which makes her feel the opposite of better once she sees the kid’s reaction).
Abby yells at her mother and demands her to come to her (once) & calls her mother by her first name throughout the book (noted as the kids at the school referring to their parents by their first names as if they’re equals or maybe just “superangry” with being abandoned by them and it’s petty revenge); Abby thinks about throwing an item at her mom when upset with her; Despite her annoyance and hurt by her mom’s secret, Abby does love her and feels waves of guilt for not noticing things about her and not reading her text messages; Some comments from others about Abby’s mother’s life being “screwed up” after having Abby (because of how they view her career, no comment like this is made by Abby’s mom; Abby thinks she’s going to get blamed for global warming next after this is commented on again and again); A woman says that a child should never pay for their parent’s mistakes.
Abby sneaks out of the school (twice), is grabbed by people and kidnapped (including by bad guys who mean her harm), tied-up and threatened with a gun, passes out (also implied drugged), slapped in the face by an adult man, falls through a frozen pond, sneaks into a teacher’s office and snooping, eavesdrops, and lies; Abby sees what looks like a girl being bound to a chair and appears bitten by a vampire on her neck and bleeding then turning into a scaly and rotting monster (which majorly freaks Abby out to the point she passes out; It was actually a fake technology thing); When grabbed, Abby kicks a man “where it counts” and runs away; Adults put Abby in danger and use her as bait.
Abby is shown a picture of a dead body covered by a sheet (which she calls “gross”); Seeing some fighting, held at gunpoint, & others knocked unconscious and sedated with darts.
A gender comment such as a girl being called bossy and another girl saying that “We don’t use the word ‘bossy’ to describe girls anymore, it’s condescending. If a boy acts in the same way, he’s called a leader.”
Mentions of Abby getting in trouble prior (such as rigging the student council elections by ballot-box-stuffing for her friend, “liberate” the lemurs at the zoo, & freeing parrots in a cage); Mentions of kidnappings, injuries, pain, & blood/bleeding; Mentions of weapons & self-defense moves; mo threats & blackmail; Mentions of lies, lying, & liars; Mentions of bullies, mean girls, & their cruel actions; Mentions of tattoos; Mentions of vampires, zombies, & aliens; A few mentions of human trafficking and a bad guy who sells kids; A few mentions of possible car crashes; A couple mentions of pee; A mention of suicide bridge jumpers.
Pop culture references like the Titanic movie, Mean Girls, Charlie’s Angels, Law & Order, & Minecraft.
Crushes & Blushes; Tingles & Almost swooning.
Abby has a crush on a guy at school, but he has a crush on one of her friends’ so she doesn’t say anything about it (but she thinks about how cute he is for a while at one point).
An implied hint that Abby doesn’t know anything about her biological father.
Mentions of boyfriends/girlfriends, crushes, & cute boys; A mention of naked statues.