Women Who Love Psychopaths

by Sandra L. Brown, Liane J. Leedom

Women Who Love Psychopaths is the first book to explore the personalities and experiences of women who have been romantically involved with psychopathic men. The book details the methods psychopathic men use to lure and seduce women. It gives an inside look at what it is like to experience intimacy with a psychopath. Most importantly, the book shows the inevitable harm that result from involvement with psychopaths.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Self Help, Relationships, Sociology, Womens

185 pages, Paperback

First published April 28, 2008

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.

Brown is the CEO of The Dangerous Relationship Institute A Relational Harm Reduction and Public Psychopathy Education Project. She holds a Masters Degree in Counseling and has been the former director of Bridgework Counseling Center, a multi-faceted mental health program for trauma disorders and psychopathology. She has provided program development for hospital inpatient and outpatient programs, designed and ran residential treatment programs for multi-pathological diagnosis clients, and worked in Domestic Violence and other outpatient settings. She has provided training and consultations to other therapists regarding treatment issues of psychopathology, trauma disorders, and pathological love relationships. She is the author of six books, including How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved and Counseling Victims of Violence. Liane J. Leedom, M.D. is Visiting Assistant Professor of Psychology at the University of Bridgeport, Bridgeport, Connecticut. She has a B.S. in Psychobiology and a Doctorate of Medicine from the University of Southern California. She completed advanced training in psychiatry at Harbor-UCLA and Yale New Haven Hospital. She spent 10 years in private practice where she specialized in treating severe mood disorders in women. Liane is very concerned with the well-being of at-risk children, including those whose parents suffer from mental illness. These children carry genetic risk for mental illness and can be subjected to harsh environments due to the problems of their parents. She has authored three books including, Just Like His Father? A Guide to Overcoming Your Child s Genetic Connection to Antisocial Behavior, Addiction and ADHD. Liane also operates ParentingtheAtRiskChild.com, a web site in English and Spanish, that provides important parenting information to parents around the world.

(source: Wikipedia, Amazon)

Reviews

[Jocelyn Jazmen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, this is a tough review for me, because it's kinda serious and sobering.

Many of my Goodreads friends (as well as myself), are fans of the Alpha male, and in much of the erotica I read these guys have a titillating effect on the female protagonists, such as an instant fierce flame of attraction, overcome by his aura of virility, melting at his intense gazing, electricity at his touch, the excitement at feeling so wanted, of him making her feel as she were the most desirable woman in the world, leaving her breathless. Do such men exist?

According to this book, they actually do! But ladies beware, they're bound to be more like Tony in Consequences rather than Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey.

And according to just about all the women interviewed, these guys are incredible in the sack. But they're not rich billionaires - often the opposite - losers! And they're notoriously unfaithful because of their hyperactive sex drive.

And then again, we have our tortured heroes (which I for one am a sucker for in novels). See below:

Many ladies might be attracted to the self-confident, dominant alpha male, and I confess that at times I am also. But I also realize that all men, like all human beings, have their weaknesses too, so if I only see that side I know they are hiding it and putting on an act. Many sociopaths and narcissists fall into this category. On the other hand, if a guy is making it a point to show his weak sensitive self, mainly through stories of being a victim (my wife ran off with another guy and she took all my money, or she died and I feel so empty boo hoo hoo, i.e. tortured hero syndrome), that could be a danger sign as well. What a dilemma!

These men have no conscious, literally not a shred of it, and their displays of love and affection are totally calculated. They can't form meaningful bonds with others. Although they don't bond emotionally, they do attach to others. Just as parasites latch on to healthy bodies, so psychopaths latch on to decent human beings to suck the life out of them. If they would be easy to detect, most of us would avoid these social parasites like the plague. Unfortunately, however, psychopaths are social chameleons who can disguise their evil natures. They come across as exceptionally charming, friendly, humorous, kind, entertaining and very romantic. Initially, they appear to be perfect romantic partners. Their glibness and charm, as well as their propensity for deception and disguise, often masks their malicious intent. For such individuals, cheating, lying and hurting others is a pleasurable game: a form of entertainment.

We're not talking about hardened criminals and serial killers here, but swindlers and love-frauds. They are not only a threat to your finances, but they can wreck a victim emotionally. We're all too familiar with the wife-beaters and control freaks that torment poor, uneducated women, but this book shows that in many instances the female prey is an educated, competitive professional. A good case study of this in a BDSM relaionship, Nine and a Half Weeks: A Memoir of a Love Affair, which shows what can happen and is totally consistent with the case studies in this book.

You might think that this book is an esoteric choice, but more women should be reading it, since there are a lot more psychopaths out there than you realize. And married women can be just as vulnerable to these real-life Draculas. (Another term that is used is sociopath, which I prefer because it sounds less extreme, and therefore more common, as an estimated 25 million of them are out there).

Whew, I'm tired! If interested, you can read the reviews on Gr and Amazon.

Ciao!

[N. Jr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unlike many "personal psychology" books, this one was not written to make a buck, but with an urgent sincerity towards addressing a much ignored problem in our society. The author comes across as an impassioned activist who has spent years combating the insidious and dangerous phenomenon of psychopaths.

The approach in this book is victim oriented, attempting to identify the character traits of the women most susceptible to the crafty deceit of these predators. One significant revelation is that a good number of potential victims are actually those who are competitive, extroverted, successful women, who in some cases find many men to be boring, predictable, or not up to scratch to their own strong personalities and who find the false facade of the psychopath to be exuberantly refreshing, thus breaking the myth that the women involved in such relationships are generally vulnerable, low self-confidence females who are overly dependent. This new understanding allows the focus to be on the psychopath's extraordinary ability to manipulate, rather than emphasizing the victim's supposed weakness, and is the first crucial step in dealing with the problem.

Although the traits of potential victims listed in the book were derived from a survey of small sample size (only 75), I have no reason to doubt the conclusions, i.e. it makes intuitive sense to me.

It is estimated that 6 million men in the US are psychopaths, but some say twice as many, that is 1 in 25 men have these traits, which makes this book all the more important was well as the websites mentioned and the work done at the Institute.

This book is relevant on other levels as well, from child abuse to psychological methods of torture, and I am sure to read it again, probably several times over.

The only criticism I have is that women psychopaths do exist also, and although probably fewer in number, I wouldn't be surprised if their numbers have been increasing. This might be of concern for those engaged in lesbian relationships, as well as susceptible men and children.

I highly recommend this book.

[Claudia Moscovici · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wouldn’t you like to be able to recognize scam artists before you got cheated out of your life savings? Wouldn’t you want to identify Losers before you become romantically involved with them? They say that one learns more from experience than from books, but that’s not necessarily the case. Bad experiences can cause so much financial and emotional devastation that recovering from them becomes very difficult: for some, even impossible. How many times have you run across women who date the same kind of bad men, without learning anything from their experiences except heartache? Eventually, many women settle for bad men, believing that all men are like that or that they somehow deserve the mistreatment. Learning to recognize dangerous individuals can spare us and our loved ones years of hardship. In fact, personal experience and psychological information can work together. Books that identify the characteristics of dangerous individuals can help us recognize red flags and escape real-life predatory relationships early on, with far less damage to our wallets and our lives.
One of the most helpful books in this genre is Dr. Sandra L. Brown‘s newest edition of Women Who Love Psychopaths: Insde the Relationship of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists (Mask Publishing, 2009). This is a long title for a book that gets straight point in explaining clearly, for a general audience, the characteristics of dangerous individuals. Dr. Brown explains that dangerous men (and women) suffer from unfixable personality disorders: psychopathy and narcissism in particular. Such individuals have constitutive emotional deficiencies. They can’t form meaningful bonds with others. Although they don’t bond emotionally, they do attach to others. Just as parasites latch on to healthy bodies, so psychopaths latch on to decent human beings to suck the life out of them. If they would be easy to detect, most of us would avoid these social parasites like the plague. Unfortunately, however, psychopaths are social chameleons who can disguise their evil natures. They come across as exceptionally charming, friendly, humorous, kind, entertaining and very romantic. Initially, they appear to be perfect romantic partners. Their glibness and charm, as well as their propensity for deception and disguise, often masks their malicious intent. Psychopaths have no conscience, are impulsive and reward-driven and get bored easily. For such individuals, cheating, lying and hurting others is a pleasurable game: a form of entertainment.
We often read about psychopaths in the news. Their lack of conscience enables them to commit horrible crimes, including rape, pedophilia and murder. Most psychopaths, however, aren’t hardened criminals. They’re swindlers and love frauds, temporarily attaching to decent human beings to milk them of money, shelter and affection: sometimes, to destroy them. For all practical purposes, how psychopaths became disordered isn’t as important to their victims as the fact that they can’t significantly improve their behavior. Whether they’re evil by nature, nurture, or a combination of both, they will still cheat on you, lie to you, use you, and perhaps even steal your money along with your heart. When involved with a psychopath, Dr. Brown emphasizes, there’s nothing you can do to change him or his disorder. The one thing you can–and should do–is save yourself.
Because psychopaths cause so much harm to society, there are numerous clinical studies of their personality disorder. In addition, the true crime shelves of bookstores are packed with salacious accounts of their misdeeds. But there are practically no comparable studies of their tens of millions of victims. Just do the math. Psychologists estimate that between 1 and 4 percent of the population is psychopathic. This adds up to several million psychopaths in this country alone. Because psychopaths are highly promiscuous and form dozens of relationships, a single psychopath can damage the lives of dozens of women. That’s several million persons hurt, sometimes beyond repair, by the malicious actions of these disordered individuals. In the literature on psychopathy, the victims are often the forgotten part of the equation: even though they outnumber by far the psychopaths themselves. Women Who Love Psychopaths is the most comprehensive study I know of about the female victims, from their own perspective. This book reveals the whole picture: the psychopaths and their hosts.
Dr. Brown focuses her clinical study on a few dozen women who depict in great detail their horrific experiences with psychopaths. But it’s important to note that these women could be any of us. They weren’t particularly weak, or gullible, or uneducated individuals. On the contrary: this book reveals that the women who fall in love with psychopaths tend to be trusting, accomplished, devoted persons with good characters and high emotional investment in their romantic relationships. Psychopaths prefer to test their strength against strong and moral women, not against those they consider weak or already corrupt. These women became involved with psychopaths because they were initially fooled by their “mask of sanity”: the good image that any psychopath projects to those whom he wants to seduce and use. They fell prey to the ruse not because they were especially naive, but because very little prepares us in life for the kind of person who systematically deceives, uses, exploits and harms others, just for the fun of it and with malice. Statistically, psychopaths are relatively common. But psychologically they’re highly abnormal. We will not be able to identify them or comprehend their malicious motives if our frame of reference is relatively normal human beings. To identify psychopaths and protect ourselves against them, we need to become acquainted with the basics of abnormal psychology.
Moreover, it’s not easy to see through a psychopath’s mask of sanity before getting burned. This is especially true when the psychopaths themselves are educated, attractive and employed in well-respected professions–as teachers, professors, lawyers, doctors, counselors, therapists or businessmen–which is often the case. Without a basic understanding of personality disorders and awareness of our own vulnerabilities to dangerous individuals, most of us couldn’t spot or defend ourselves against these wolves in sheep’s clothing. This is exactly the invaluable information that Dr. Brown’s book offers us.
Women Who Love Psychopaths focuses on psychopathy as a relationship between psychopaths and their chosen targets. Looking at psychopaths in isolation is not enough. It doesn’t reveal how they latch on to normal individuals; how they fool us. Without finding numerous willing partners–to dupe, mistreat and use–a psychopath ceases to function. To grasp the danger posed by psychopathic individuals, we therefore need to understand both sides of the coin: the personality traits of the psychopaths themselves as well as our own potential vulnerabilities to psychopathic seduction. Women Who Love Psychopaths reveals this more complete picture. Think about how many self-defense classes are taught in this country. Sadly, there’s no equivalent for psychological defense. This must-read book is about emotional self-defense, which should be our first line of protection against social predators.
Claudia Moscovici, author of the upcoming book Dangerous Liaisons: How to Avoid and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction

[Jilaine Tarisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

“award-winning author”? well, I guess there are a lot of awards out there these days.

Christiane Northrup recommended this book in one of her talks, so I hunted down a copy (my training is in law, psychology, and mediation, and I’m particularly interested in “relationship issues.”)
“Women Who Love Psychopaths” contains some useful information about dysfunctional and dangerous relationship patterns; unfortunately, it’s poorly written and desperately in need of a good editor.
I don’t doubt that the author knows something about her subject (victims), but I question the depth of her understanding about the psyche. (One thing she gets right: women mistaking intensity for passionate and enduring love.)
Grammar, spelling, punctuation are so misused, I found it difficult to wade through all the errors:
Potatoe?
“chocked full”? (I believe the expression is “chock-full”)
“power mongrels” (power “mongers,” perhaps?)
“splitting one person against the other: (“pitting,” maybe?)
The list is extensive.
The author also needs to learn how to properly quote and cite sources, e.g., note page numbers for quotes from books. (She references a book by “Dr. Reid Melloy” - Meloy, actually, and I question whether the source really says the psychopath’s stare is a “relentless gaze that seems to preclude the psychopath’s destruction of his victim” - “precede,” perhaps?)

Given the lack of care that has gone into the preparation of this book, readers should be wary of relying upon its conclusions. While parts of it probably have validity, who can say which parts?

[Becky Reed · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was asked what kind of women attract the narcissist (and psychopath) - I just finished reading Sandra L. Brown, M.A.'s Women Who Love Psychopaths. This is an AMAZINGLY encompassing work and I'd say that coming through a relationship of inevitable harm, I found it relief-exploding in the evaluation of women who suffer from such contact. I said repeatedly that I felt my goodness was turned against me...and she categorizes just what and why this occurs....and "codependency" isn't in the mix. Women connected to the strange sycophant actually began the relationship "while impaired" - past periods of extended care-giving, loss such as divorce...even boredom. This is a unique study of the "victims" of psychopaths and their assets such as relationship investment. So many of the traits have been misdiagnosed as attachment formats. This illustrates the predictable cycle of these relationships and why the bonding is so strong - how the woman, normally strong and vital, feels so fragile or mentally ill. Dissonance from the victim's perspective has a great deal to do with the psychopath's dichotomy of his childlike quality and adult mystique, not to mention communication skills and techniques.

The entire book is compiled with data, explanation, reason, and connectivity. There is no fluff within the covers.

The reasons we find ourselves captivated by these "alien essences" can be brought to light and Sandra Brown does this with clarity and an empathic comprehension - especially within the awareness of women because it is embarrassing being caught in the lure of sexuality. We are intelligent...and capable...and yet, we succumbed to some fairy tale -explained are the release of hormones and the staging by the psychopath, even the differentiation in his use of language.

We who have been taught that communication is the tool for problem solving find ourselves in the Twilight Zone. In so many fields and places in our lives, we have no answers and even negatively critical judgments about "our behavior." We are being held to incompatible standards. There exist so many conflicts with belief systems, ideologies, and spiritual and religious principles where compassion is revered. It seems that we victims have been "hoisted on our own petards."

Ms. Brown's book covers everything I questioned....and it is an affirmation that "something wicked this way comes." I don't mean to sound so melodramatic that my review is discounted. The AHA- moments were almost at every page, and most assuredly in every chapter. There is - if one enjoys science fiction - a correlation with the short-lived TV show, "Threshold." Awareness takes time.
I know many on blogs are "nutters" in their own right, mostly because they have not found the data to help themselves. So many therapists have simply not understood and the "pie-in-the-sky" New Thought folks have not come in contact with this form of "alien" presence. It's not that it is evil (maybe - ?), but the two philosophies for life - those in healthy (just the ups and downs of routine dysfunctions, perhaps) states and those suffering psychopathy are simply incompatible. Her phrase, "relationships of inevitable harm" will forever ring true to me.

Here is the BIG QUESTION - and one ripe for a new book....because the numbers of psychopaths appear to be rising, how are we to live with these beings? I understand the no contact rule and it is VITAL...but in the long run with the thought that these people cannot be treated, for humanity, what are we to do?

Every chapter in her book has dog-eared corners in my home. I carry it with me to the restroom, I return it to the coffee table...and I USE it for reference.

As always in this life, the lessons are much more about myself. AND Sandra's treatment of us victims is kind, observant, and chocked full of evaluational data. I am floored and delighted that there are explanations for super traits rather than that we have "failed" to be bright enough, wise enough, or even aware enough. I gleaned that my traits might just be valuable. Somewhere the patriarchal (and yet, I have learned that men can be victims, also) guidelines have become overly and overtly zealous. I don't believe it is as simplistic as relationships with authority that comes into question, although, our deep seated thoughts on "happily ever after" probably filters many of our personal scope of evaluations.

I am never quite as trusting as once I was...and because I have daughters and grandsons, I am alert to those in our realm and my own reactions to them. I'm not paranoid, but neither do I let a brief intuitive feeling flow past without a moment of appraisal.

I share my thoughts....so much is falling into place for me (and MANY others) because of THIS book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, in particular. I have read Brown's other works, but this one is of monumental importance! There must be a more moving way to say this. It struck a chord of complete connection and affirmation within my very being and soul. There is REASON for the chaos into which I fell. And all with the best of intentions. It is not concisely ONE AHA-moment, but everything in the book.

The explanations cover daily life with a psychopath...the lure, the treatment, the forever changing terrain and MOST importantly the way we who fall prey respond. For me, this book relates to my daily heartaches, fears, anguish, and quest for my ideal. Not just of the relationship, but of the "me" I knew before this fear-fest of an encounter. The absolute torture was in the faltering grasp of my own humanity. AND to have AGREEMENT is CRUCIAL for survival...not just mouthed upsets and emotions, but to comprehend the why's. Interestingly, as I look over this review, I see the feelings expressed. Our society seems to be based on these very emotions and the need to join and establish rapport. Transferring our thoughts and feelings onto this "other" who is called a psychopath reminds me of Michael Crichton's book, Sphere. " What if the contact with an alien or artifact has no frame of reference for us as human beings" is the gist of the novel. It appears to have come to life today.

With profound respect and gratitude for allowing me to feel that my "style" of emotional sharing is NOT the CAUSE of the psychopath's evil in pinpointing me. It is, albeit, something to be watched and monitored by me, myself.

[Connie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never has a book, since the Bible, impacted my life in such a positive way. This is a must read for any teenage girl or woman. Because of my circumstances it took me an entire year to read, process, and finish. I recommend this book quite often to women who come to me looking for advice. It literally helped save my life!

[Harrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perhaps the best book I know that no only introduces the concept of psychopathy, but shows how and why they are able to destroy the lives of so many women. The information applies to so many levels. Highly recommended.

[Nishelle D’souza · Rating 3 out of 5]

high tolerance (“I can take it.”) +
high empathy (“I understand his behavior.”) +
high attachment (“I love him.”) +
high relationship investment (“I get satisfaction from the good parts of our relationship.”)
= Inevitable Harm.

- If she has PTSD as well, the symptoms of PTSD related to ‘numbing’ may increase what she can tolerate. The pain or discomfort she normally would experience with a psychopath may not even be registering.
- Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to have the same morals as the women. Women in pathological relationships seem to project their normal characteristics including her sense of right and wrong onto the psychopath—endowing him with traits he doesn’t have. Her ability to project and his ability to pretend, allow him the stage to mimic her moral principles in his life.
- But women who love psychopaths didn’t wait for trust to be earned. They begin with the philosophy of ‘everyone deserves to be trusted until proven otherwise.’ This approach is most likely related to low harm avoidance—her ability to believe that people are trust worthy and not be on the lookout for being harmed.
- women who love psychopaths will likely choose the words over the actions.
- Much like the issue of blind trust, women who love psychopaths have unusual systems of loyalty. In recovery circles this is referred to as ‘insane loyalty’ in which high levels of loyalty in the face of reality are still clung to. Insane loyalty levels are often associated with traumatic and betrayal bonding in reactions such as Stockholm Syndrome and even cult programming.
- In her own self-confidence (generated by her solid sense of self and her professional accomplishments) she feels the ability to handle whatever life brings her.
- Her lack of interest in the acquisition of wealth and power fits nicely with a psychopath, who is hyper-fixated on more power and who will help himself to any wealth she may have acquired. Her trait of not being highly fixated on wealth (even hers) is probably related to why so many women have lost great deals of money to the psychopath.

[Meagan Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most comprehensive resource I've found on the psychology of people with cluster-B personality disorders, the typical personalities of those they target, and the dynamics of relationships with them. Throughout the book the author emphasizes just how destructive and traumatic the effects of being in relationship with these people is, something that is often overlooked or underestimated in other books. She provides a detailed and in-depth description of the layers of trauma that persevere after the relationship has ended.

Above all, I appreciated how she offers an alternative to the common perception that only people with their own codependent pathology are attracted to people with cluster-B disorders. Instead of the assumption that it is weakness in the target that attracts women to these men and keeps them in the relationship, the author contends that it is, in fact, a combination of "super-traits" that are actually well-developed, healthy characteristics in most aspects of life.

The discussion of how women feel both in these relationships and afterwards goes beyond "He was manipulative, you felt confused, go no contact and get therapy", and goes into detail about all of the facets of cognitive dissonance that are present in these relationships, and how they, combined with his manipulation and her conscientiousness, create and incredibly complex and dangerous dynamic.

Overall this is the most informative and validating resource I have found on the subject.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I seriously thought she had been following me around with a tape recorder!!! She nailed this topic and has great insights on the how when why that really helped me move on to the healing part.
I was so stuck in the why of it I could not move to the next step! All I can say is THANK YOU!

[Andrea McDowell · Rating 5 out of 5]

While the endless fascination with pathological people (whatever you want to call or label them) largely lets them off the hook (it was their trauma! it was their parents! it was poverty! racism! etc.) we are not so kind to the people they prey on. Then, we want explanations, accountability, and change.

It's perverse, isn't it? The man who assaults his wife probably had a hard day, grew up in a traumatic situation, and was never taught better; but the woman he hit better have a good reason for why she picked him, why she stayed with him, and why she went back.

My take is that this is motivated by profit: perpetrators don't want to change -- they're not going to buy the books, go to the workshops, or sign up for the Healing Programs, so you may as well make excuses and otherwise ignore them. Victims do, because they very much want not to be victimized again, so you can sell them endless courses and therapy sessions and crystals and support groups and makeup tips and whatever, which won't work if they don't believe deep down that they did something to make it happen.

This is the only way I can explain how a book written in 2008 on female victims of pathological relationships including narcissistic abuse and its research findings has since been almost completely ignored: it stops blaming victims.

Nothing wrong with you, it says. Actually there's a whole lot right with you, and here's the evidence, and here's what you actually can do to protect yourself in the future.

The title is terrible, but let's let that go as a salacious and poorly chosen marketing tactic.

"The very normal traits that are valued in society such as empathy, loyalty, and optimism, which contributed to these women's success in many other areas of their life, in excessive quantities became their undoing with a pathological partner. … The stories of the women we have been privileged to help have shattered the myth that women who love men with a Dark Triad disorder are women who themselves suffer from mental illness, or are victims with a lengthy violence history, or are needy and dependent."

There are a number of books (and podcasts, youtube channels, tiktoks, and IG accounts) that myth-bust on the personality disorders and talk about the biological, neurological and genetic underpinnings of these conditions, and I wrote about that a little in Sociopath, so we can skip those sections and go right to Chapter 12: The Super Traits of the Survivor Partner: Agreeableness and Cooperativeness.

And if you read my posts about the Five Factor Personality Model or HEXACO, you'll know the basic background. Her main point is that your personality is also biological and genetic, this is who you are and these are pretty wonderful ways to be, but they set you up for these people. You are biologically, neurologically wired to approach people with good faith and trust, in the expectation that they will keep their promises, because you value relationships, want to get along with people, and are highly motivated to keep your promises and follow through.

"It seems to have taken decades to look at the other end of the spectrum of too much of certain personality traits like empathy, compassion, or tolerance. Some of this is related to the marketing efforts of gurus who imply that most of us need more empathy, compassion, and tolerance, as offered through their books, webinars, and meditations. According to them, just about everyone is too low in these traits and by having more, we will change the energy complexion of the world, usher in world peace, and heal the planet. Some neuropsychologists equate higher happiness with higher levels of empathy, compassion, and tolerance…. My dialogue with one of the empathy neuropsychologists centered around the fact that those with too much empathy, compassion and tolerance did not encounter the lasting happiness that he claimed these traits produced in others, but rather led to misery, since an over-abundance of empathy and acceptance is bound to be a problem when activated with the wrong people. … Survivors' ability to adapt to known or unknown pathology is an innate tendency in their personality. It is not a conscious decision to people please but rather a naturally occurring element of their personality."

You would not believe how validating that was to read.

And maybe it is for you, too.

"... it was widely assumed by most therapists that survivors were victims of early childhood trauma or violence, yet the Institute found that this assumption was largely erroneous among survivors. ... The clear majority of survivors reported that they did not have trauma, alcoholic homes, pathological parents, or dysfunctional families...."

Of course, that leaves out people like me, who do have those histories and families, and she has a few things to say there too:

"Only a small percentage of the survivor population tested high in some traits associated with what would produce codependency-like traits of lifelong low self-esteem. These survivor-partner minorities did have histories of abuse, dysfunctional families, early childhood trauma, pathological parenting, or alcoholic homes. ... The minority are discernible ... as they acknowledge lifelong battles with self-esteem, boundaries, trust, speaking up for themselves, historical anxiety, and perhaps a history of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. ... They have multiple issues to deal with that have complicated their risk factors for another PLR [pathological love relationship] and for the length of recovery."

Unfortunately for me, in addition to the 'super traits' she describes I also get to wade through decades of terrible memories. But reading this book, for the first time, I felt like these relationships were maybe not evidence of something terribly wrong with me. Because that's the general message, right? You end up with these guys, well, what's wrong with you? Better fix that, and if it happens again, it's 100% your fault. And when you come from a family that raised you to think that you were fundamentally broken and something wrong in you made them hurt you, it all lines up into a lifelong ponzi scheme; it's very easy to believe, it's internally consistent, and it's always your bill to pay.

For the first time ever when reading one of these books, I didn't feel like I had to force myself to see myself in the problems and answers being described: trying to see myself as controlling or emotionally dysregulated or overly dependent because the books said I must be, when in reality I am consistently not controlling, overly emotionally regulated and pathologically independent. For the first time ever, as I was reading, I kept thinking, "Yes, that's it! That's exactly how I feel! That's exactly what I was thinking! I KNEW IT!" What a relief.

I don't want to get into the whole book, or I'll end up copying and pasting all of it here with colour commentary, and no one has the bandwidth for that. But I had this exact experience in her section on intuition. Wellness and mental health influencers and writers beat the same drum: "Everyone has good intuition! You must have trauma that taught you to over-ride your intuition, and if you'd only paid attention to your body while dating him, you would have recognized he was a predator and avoided him, so: we must fix your intuition and that will keep you safe in the future."

Here's what Brown has to say about that:

"Well, to answer the question just posed above -- yes, there is a trait. It's called Harm Avoidance. ... we don't all come wired with the same ability to pick up incoming intel of red flags. ... The personality trait of harm avoidance includes facets of:

excessive worrying

pessimism

shyness

fearful doubt/fear of uncertainty

becoming easily fatigued by others

Hmm ... that doesn't sound like the super traits of agreeableness and conscientiousness, does it? ...

On the TCI, half of the survivors tested as having low harm avoidance. ... Being low in harm avoidance as a naturally occurring personality trait places survivors at risk because, not only are they not suspicious enough, the little bit of incoming intel they might pick up on is also met with their agreeableness -- all that empathy, tolerance and blind trust -- seeing others through who she is, etc. In a nanosecond all those affiliated facets of Super Traits can alter the potential response of the red flags. ...

So, as opposed to what the gurus tout, you may not be able to permanently and consistently raise your level of intuition in your personality when it is structured otherwise. ... The safest thing you can do is to know you have a personality that is naturally lower in harm avoidance so you can make accommodations for it."

This was the first time I read anything on intuition in these books that made the least bit of sense. And I took the TCI and indeed am low in harm avoidance. Go figure.

Her prescription for recovery is, basically, education (what happened to you, what it did to you, and why); trauma recovery (focusing specifically on the symptoms most associated with these relationships, such as cognitive dissonance); and learning self-protection, in the recognition that being high in Agreeableness and Conscientiousness and low in Harm Avoidance means you will continue to be vulnerable. This strikes me as an eminently more achievable and humane program than the "fix your picker! memorize the red flags! trust your intuition, stop ignoring your body! raise your self-esteem!" crap we normally get.

It also strikes me, on a broader social level, as a much better description of what's going on than the analysis we're given. What better description of lefty activists is there than:

Being low in harm avoidance as a naturally occurring personality trait places survivors at risk because, not only are they not suspicious enough, the little bit of incoming intel they might pick up on is also met with their agreeableness -- all that empathy, tolerance and blind trust -- seeing others through who she is, etc. In a nanosecond all those affiliated facets of Super Traits can alter the potential response of the red flags. ...

Empathy, tolerance, trust, belief in good faith and the potential of humanity, willingness to risk harm in the course of pursuing a better world -- and constantly projecting it on those who advocate for hatred and don't share a shred of those traits, and are willing to use them against us.

Brown also wrote about the trauma of the cognitive dissonance created by these relationships, and I'd argue increasingly in society as a whole, where we are required to live every day as Everything is Fine Dog, the world on fire all around us as we go out for groceries and pay the water bill and make small talk at the grocery counter. Cognitive Dissonance is the trauma symptom rated as most severe in countless studies, not just here but all over, and as she writes it is worse for people with high levels of Conscientiousness:

Changing her thinking about these conflicting pieces of information would reduce dissonance. Apply a little rationalization--and there, that feels better. But her behaviour of remaining in the relationship--whether it is her pursuit of the relationship or other behaviours, like lying for him, stealing, or other violations of her moral code--will increase her dissonance on the other end as it relates to behaviour and conscientiousness. This will make her feel much worse.

In fact, research has shown that people who have high levels of conscientiousness are at most risk of dissonance. People who are naturally guided by values and beliefs will have horrific conflict when they violate their own life principles....

Survivors often say that the worst part of dissonance is "who they became."

And isn't that the worst part, often, as this century is unfolding? As hard as it is to leave a psychopath or narcissist, it is a lot less hard than leaving Western civilization, which seems to be everywhere unraveling and involving all of us and making everyone complicit in climate collapse, the loss of democracy, the resurgence of hate-based politics, and the loss of human rights only recently won at high cost. People are basically good and love wins in the end is hard to reconcile, these days, with how many people seem determined to prove themselves to be Team hate. Yet it is a fundamental life principle and personality trait to have these beliefs, and they are not tossed aside lightly when politics rots out from within.

[Lisalit · Rating 2 out of 5]

How psychopaths affect their romantic partners is an interesting topic and it did spark some new interests for me but this book could have been so much better.

To start off, it was poorly written with quite some grammar and spelling mistakes that made its understanding confusing.

Moreover, the author appears close-minded about topics of a sexual nature such as porn and polygamy, and she tends to represent a very conservative, if not Christian, view of what a healthy life should be. Plus, I found that this book was not inclusive at all. For instance, it only refers to heterosexual couple dynamics and consistently portrays the men as bad guys and the women as victims.

Also, what disturbed me is that I was feeling influenced to believe, at multiple times, that psychopaths are doomed without ever referring to proper scientific studies but folk stories to support that theory. It never addresses any steps to prevent a child from becoming a psychopath. The only way was to not have a DAD as a psychopath. How the author addressed that issue was a bit borderline for me.

Finally, the book seems to only refer to psychopaths on the extreme end of the spectrum, over-generalizing them, not addressing if/how someone on the lower end of psychopathy has an effect on a romantic relationship.

Maybe this book was more written to make money than it was to serve as a scientific vulgarisation on the topic. For this reason and the ones cited above, I would not recommend this book. If, however, you still want to read it I would advise caution in its interpretation and maybe more as a book to stimulate your curiosity rather than teach you about psychopaths.

[Aspensail · Rating 1 out of 5]

Stupid clown book written by a scientist wanna-be

[Stripped Petunia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a real savior. I got it recommended by my psychologist friend, who identified some alarming traits in my (ex)partner, and thought that I could benefit from the knowledge.

The book is a very comprehensive learning material for both men and women, and those who have been in (any form of) relationship with a person with a Cluster B disorder, or just want to learn how to identify traits early on and guard themselves.

Although the book gives an overview of the “worst case scenario psychopathic partner”, life with such person is an emotional wreck nonetheless. I personally like that the book gives an overview of both the psychology of the victim and the abuser, without guilt-trapping and blaming.

The writing style is easily understandable to those without psychology background. The writing style provides a reader with an opportunity to reflect, assess and even grade their own/partners traits, which I found very useful in my case.

Speaking from experience, victims are often left with a challenging aftermath and a cognitive dissonance, a dark place where no book, trait assessment or the feeling of connection to other victims can help. When you are trapped in an emotional hurricane, rationalizing someone’s behaviors is dangerous.
But in this book, there are several thoughts that did return me in reality when I spun into “…well my ex wasn’t all that bad.. he couldn’t help it, he was born/raised that way…” thinking. One such thought from the book is: “What he cannot help, doesn’t make him less lethal.” I repeat that every day.

Prepare pen and notebook, and learn to protect yourself from those who harm without regret.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Solid info; needs to be proofread

The information given in this book is very enlightening, and I've already recommended it to several people based on the descriptions of victim traits alone. I especially appreciate how the author gives a lot of hope for recovery and points out how we need more public education about psychopathy.

I'm not sure I agree with the author's take on hypnosis as a manipulation tool. While I'm sure some people do it intentionally, it still seems a bit farfetched to call it common and devote an entire chapter to it. I would have preferred a longer, more in-depth section on cognitive dissonance, intrusive thoughts, and how to use the rephrasing exercise effectively on my own.

However, the editing in this book is quite poor. The publisher would do well to have their books professionally copyedited. For instance, one chapter had two "Conclusion" sections back to back. Typos and inconsistent usage run throughout. Several charts and graphics didn't make much sense and did nothing to clarify the ideas they represented, and many still showed the telltale red spell check underline under text in the photos.

Overall, good substance, sub-par presentation.

[Rutger · Rating 1 out of 5]

Horrible.

Upfront, I thought this book would be about the curious relationship between psychopathic males and their sexual appeal to women. I also expected the book to highlight the causes of this phenomenon and how women could be more forewarned about bad sexual instincts. In that sense the book wasn’t disappointing, but qua content it sure was.

It’s unfair to punish a writer for your false expectations, so I wanted to give 2 stars, but that would be unjust to people who want to read about this topic and decide 2 stars isn’t too bad — because it is.

This book is mostly a summary of popsci psychopath books (like the work of Richard Hare), women’s magazine folk wisdom and the personal rationalisaties of a writer who got hurt by an enormous jerk. That’s all this book is: endless talk about the depravities of psychopaths in their intimate relationships.

I recommend people who are interested in this topic to read more EvoPsych books or essays on the biological roots of crime. All that would be much more useful than reading this bad collage.

[Mona Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF @30%

I really wanted to make it till the end but it's difficult when you are reading horsecrap.

Please enlighten one with the research facts backing this book.
Firstly, She claims that there are 8 million psychopaths in this world: 6 million men and 2 million women. What is the basis this fact? If this has been inferred from her patient count which is of course peanuts in this world of billions, I will advocate for an imaginary facts warning in block letters on the cover.
Secondly, her one sided narrative of male psychos and female victims is incessant and frankly annoying.
Thirdly, it's so repetitive, I feel like I am listening to some delusional drunkard in an unfortunate bar.

I wanted to throw my iPad against the wall but l paid a lot of money for it.

[Terri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very informative book which is easy to read, not too techinal or "clinical" I maintain that it should be required reading for all women. I believe the author is well-educated and experienced in this field and does a wonderful job communicating what women should know about pathological men. However, the grammatical and typographical errors throughout this book are distracting and somewhat diminish the professionality of the text.

[Andy]

If you think maybe you should read this book, then you should definitely read this book

Or, listen to her mp3s - hearing her voice helps. Also, there are some good interviews with her on SoundCloud.

[G · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting.

[Joy Kaplan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be read by every girl in the world so that she will know and understand the signs of abuse!

[zaira khan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think the clinical psychologists must read this book as compulsory.A very good book for every one who is inquisitive in knowing the human personality traits..

[Kathryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative

I was told to read this book from my therapist. I figured out a lot by reading it. It helps to understand pathological people and how to stay away.

[Lucy Tierney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I plan to revise this book report later on, after deeply reconsidering my own horrifying experience in the light of this book.
The author of this ground-breaking book has written it to be eminently understandable to applicable women. It is based upon a survey of 75 such women & the author’s 20 years of field work treating victims. There are plenty of footnotes & references for those who have time to research statistical information not included in the book. What follows is a string of quotes rather than a proper review.
Few of these psychopathic men were incarcerated, many are executives. In their beginning relationship, the couples are in a “counterpoise” wherein “the excessive amount of temperament & character traits possessed by the women balances the horrendous deficits the psychopaths have in many of these traits.”
The woman has “more empathy than almost everyone else.” She is excitement-seeking, does not like boring men, is attracted to dominant men, is socially-sensitive, sincere, tender-hearted, and attaches with great passion & enormous depth. She is NOT co-dependent.
She has extremely high degrees of trust, blind trust & she will not wait for trust to be earned. She has insane loyalty. “She moves from attachment to gorilla-glue bonding at lightning speed because of his skill at relationship-building. “Her attraction is not love.”
The psychopath is a charming, guiltless liar. He is a master communicator & uses anger to control women & intimidate others.
His left-brain region, the Corpus Callosum, is 23% larger & 7% longer than normal. His brain transmits information from one hemisphere to the other at abnormally high speed, resulting in quick reaction to aggression; probably, this very speed means he misses emotional cues. His Amygdala “stop light” is less reactive. He has the MAO-A gene for short temper and vindictiveness. Curiously, some psychopaths have been born in normal families.
“She didn’t realize she was signing up for a lifetime with Satan when she dated him the first time.” He will isolate her from her social network under the guise of “being into her.” The woman’s attachment is increased through sex, as oxytocin is released into her blood. Oxytocin is also in his semen; “so her blind trust might just be chemical!” When she thought of him, she was soaked in serotonin, dopamine & norepinephrine.” She was “intoxicated” by him. Phenylethylamine cranks through her body when she meets someone attractive.
Their pathological bond can be stronger than that of normal relationships. He is a master of watching what works to control others & has been so since childhood. He will gaslight her by reframing what he just did. She weakens into Stockholm Syndrome as the psychopath experiences dominance satisfaction in harming others. He might learn covert hypnotic & neuro-linguistic programming.
The psychopath’s accomplices are his own family members. He spends an enormous amount of time, energy & maybe money to ensure she is further hurt. As the woman contracts PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome), she becomes hypnotizable. She is now vulnerable to gaslighting: saying she didn’t see or hear something.
After she breaks up with her psychopath, there remains almost no area in her life or functioning that hasn’t been disintegrated. Intrusive thoughts of him can release adrenaline in her, leading to a downward debilitating PTSD cycle. She has Cognitive Dissonance because her belief systems are contradicted by her relationship with him. This Cognitive Dissonance leads to shame & embarrassment which are the opposite of psychological congruency, inner peace, harmony.
Her reduced functioning affects her ability to parent & get along with other family members and friends. The psychopath’s effect on their children is devastating.
Shrinks don’t understand his psychopathy or the severity of her symptoms. He gaslights shrinks & portrays himself as victim of her unfair attitudes. Shrinks must realize that psychopaths are untreatable.
This book has many references & statistics that researchers can follow up on & data-check; but Women Who Love Psychopaths is obviously written to be crystal clear to anyone like me. Certain programs to heal the woman are mentioned, but details are not given, neither is her prognosis. I doubt I will be healed in my lifetime.

[Daisy · Rating 2 out of 5]

i want to rate this higher but i can’t for multiple reasons. the author is constantly pushing her own recovery program (and said program that she constantly refers to as “The Institute” doesn’t sound like a terrifying cult, like, at all!) and her social media presence has become quite toxic and victim blaming recently.

the book itself speaks of certain famous cases in a very biased sense with no sources, just obvious personal views and assumption. she says she’s done her own research but i’m dubious of that since she is a biased.

on the other hand, this book freakishly accurately describes narcissistic and psychopathic abuse sometimes almost word for word the karpman triangle “crazy making” conversations i’ve had with people and it helped me a lot in that sense so there is benefit to be had from this book if you ignore the author’s haughty and presumptive attitude. interestingly she seems to present more and more narcissistically herself on social media and becoming angry that her work isn’t being more widely recognised (or perhaps that more battered women aren’t flocking to join “The Institute”), among other strange claims and outbursts. i earned myself a block badge on facebook pages for pointing out her hypocrisy and victim blaming as im sure so did many other survivors who expressed shock at her more recent posts (most of which were dirty deleted and obviously i don’t know if she continues to post in this manner).

another issue i have with this book is it’s rigid view of gender binary and romantic relationships. reading this book i slowly realised i was reading about my mother more than anyone else i’ve ever known and also platonic friends i have known of all genders. however, the book always refers to men as perpetrators and women as victims and solely focusses on romantic relationships alone, but if you remove these settings from the book they apply to abusive relationships of any type: familial, platonic, romantic, workplace, etc.

[Mahmoud Seleem]

Isn't it contradictory already? as if the one who wrote the introduction has psychosis and is not willing to live with it. Check from the introduction:

'The first book EVER written about the women who have loved psychopathic men! What are your temperament traits that have contributed to being attracted to, and tolerant of, the most dangerous of people?'

Here the problem is with the one being attracted and the writer assumes they are mostly women.

However,

'From brain region mal-formations to brain circuitry and brain chemical differences, these new sections of the book will blow away any theories about this being merely willful behavior on his part!'

Here the problem is with the anti-social who has mal-functioning in the brain and it is on the person's part.

Why do you blame someone for being attracted to him/her? to me, it's the problem of the one who is being attracted, attracted to people or things doesn't matter, what matters is that the person is getting attached to, not that someone is attracting people to themselves.

This is like "I am going to call you crazy because you made me project myself onto you, how come you are so attractive? please stop being anti-social


_l_

[Nancy Hinsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written by a psychiatrist who has studied socio- and psycopathic behavior AND THE EFFECTS ON VICTIMS for over 20 years, this book provides invaluable explanations, real-life experiences and a support system for victims. The first part of the book is an exhaustive and detailed description and categorization of the psycopath's traits and personality. The second half is devoted to profiling his (most are male) target victims. This book has made a huge difference in my life, toward understanding the Cognitive Dissonance that I experienced every day of my relationship with a psychopath....I was an unknowing participant in his scheme. His goal was manipulation and control to satisfy his needs/wants, while mine was to replace his "evil" with "love," and manifest a better, more joyous life for him.

As is oft stated - - they cannot and will not change. "Inherent harm" is the unswerving theme. If you or someone you know suspects (or is certain) they are in a relationship with a psycopath (or sociopath - categorized together in psychiatry) this book is an IMPERATIVE READ.

[Christina M · Rating 1 out of 5]

Awful. I read this looking for answers about why I choose destructive relationships and was given a fear-mongering manual on mind reading and instructions to diagnose people around me. The author is careful to say you, a layman, cannot diagnose someone else, but it is clear that that's what this book is intended to help a desperate person looking for answers do. I feel this book is a lot more political and agenda-oriented than it initially appears, especially because it is behind on the science of 'personality disorders'. I think this book is one of many new medias (i.e. the YouTube psychobabble boom on narcissism) preying on people who don't have access to therapy themselves. Especially since the goal is to get you to seek help from the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction in particular. I suggest anyone looking for answers look a little deeper than media that readily spoonfeeds answers that align with your beliefs; confirmation bias is REAL.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never write reviews. This is the first or second one I have written on goodreads. This book is lifechanging, in a way that I don't think I've ever encountered.

My life was completley bulldozed over a decade ago, when one of my first relationships was with someone who was severely disturbed. I've researched over the years, been in countless treatment for the devestation it left behind, etc, etc, but always felt like certain things were missing, and that my current counselors were not equipped to deal with my situation in a way that helped. I never really recovered, and it made permanent negative changes to my self perception.

This book was like having a page ripped out of my diary when I was twenty. It explains the things I had sneaking suspicions about, helps reframe in a way that is uplifting instead of damaging, and gave me hope. The answers are mostly in here I think, if only you find a way to follow them.

[Urszula · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unfortunate cover and title, but this is partly an evidence-backed analysis of psychopaths in the relationships they are creating. It focuses on different spectrums of personality disorders, including not only antisocial but also narcissistic and borderline. It shows how to recognize the "psychopathic" dates/partners and tries to build personas of people who are potential best victims for psychopaths. It is slightly anecdotal, but it's not, as the title suggests, a book where victims are telling their stories. It is a book that tries to combine available data (neurological, psychological) and personal experiences we know of, into profiles of people we should definitely avoid at all costs. Pretty good read.