Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love

by Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, J. Keith Miller

In this revised and updated version of Facing Love Addiction , bestselling author of Facing Codependence and internationally recognized dependence and addiction authority Pia Mellody unravels the intricate dynamics of unhealthy love relationships and shows us how to let go of toxic love. Through twelve-step work, exercises, and journal-keeping, Facing Love Addiction compassionately and realistically outlines the recovery process for Love Addicts, and Mellody’s fresh perspective and clear methods work to comfort and motivate all those looking to establish and maintain healthy, happy relationships. 

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Addiction, Love

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1989

Reviews

[Caroline · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you are a big believer in the twelve-step model of recovery and viewing things from an addiction framework, then this book will likely resonate with you.

For those of us who are less convinced that most psychological difficulties can be best treated using a recovery model, this book will likely fall a bit flat.

Most of the phenomena she describes I think can be more helpfully viewed through the lens of attachment theory, which can depathologize the relationships she has described here. Instead of a person being a Love Addict or a Love Avoidant, it may be more helpful to view them as people who have anxious or avoidant attachment styles. That way, the relationship itself (revealing itself through problematic and perpetuating interactions) can be the focus of treatment instead of labeling a person as an addict.

Maybe this is all just an issue of semantics, but attachment theory could give those wishing to stay in their "co-addicted" relationships a better alternative than Mellody describes here.

A better treatment of these issues (I think) can be found in the work of Sue Johnson or Levine & Heller's "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment."

[Suz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the type of book that may appear to have a tiny niche market, but would have a wider scope than one may think. This was a loan from my psychologist (yes she trusts its safe return; and I do work in a library).

I gained so much insight from this; it is not just a text book, it also has numerous exercises to enable self-reflection which is vital for forward progress, no matter how little or in small incremental amounts these may be.

The author is widely known in her field, she started her career as a registered nurse, and her model for this therapy is known all around the world. She has lived experience. I love this term. She has been there. Like all things self-help, you would be wise to take what you want and leave the rest, as they say.

Upbringing, trauma, attachment (or lack thereof), dysfunction of families, family of origin issues and our boundaries have so much to do with this complex problem that is more common than I suspect is known.

This is confronting reading for those that want to learn and get better, it is excellent for self-development. This book won’t fix, but armed with a good shred of self-awareness this will be a tremendous tool. Highly recommended, and yes, if my trusted therapist is loaning it to me there is a lot of validity in that (for me!).

[mylifewellread · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fantastic b/c i didnt even realize this "condition" existed and that I had participated in the cycle of a love addiction. I knew something wasn't right but couldn't figure it out- always wondering "why can't someone love me?" This book provides a lot of insight and helps to change your approach. And it doesnt have to be about a romantic relationship, it can happen with a friend, sister or other family member. All of us deserve to learn to love in a healthy way!

[Shamieka Kiel · Rating 5 out of 5]

First 3 pages had me in tears. I learned a lot about myself, my significant other, and my relationships with my parents. I recommend this book to anyone struggling with any type of relationship.

[Famous · Rating 2 out of 5]

lacey made me read this one. it is a 12-step model for cleaning up dysfunctional relationships. and it provides work space for the steps. my first extensive exposure to 12-step language which made me cringe and grin plenty, but i did find some useful insights for the things people do. and i admit to finding some of my own uglier behaviors discussed as common asshole maneuvers - humbling and helpful. it is one of those take-what's-useful-overlook-what's-not books.

[Boo Trundle · Rating 4 out of 5]

John Lennon and Yoko Ono were on the Dick Cavett Show in September, 1971. "Imagine" had just come out. Yoko had also released a new record and a conceptual book. She’s sitting in the first chair and she’s wearing an expensive-looking, orange velvet leotard. Skimpy. She’s got on sheer black stockings and a little beret.

John and Yoko hold hands a lot during the interview and fondly stroke each other’s fingers. She’s rather humorless, deferential: what a weird position for her. The world saw her only as the wife of a Beatle. And America wasn’t quite ready for the fact that she was Japanese. It’s barely ready for it now. Maybe still not ready for it, actually. Dick Cavett points out that Ono went to Sarah Lawrence. I did not know that! But it doesn’t surprise me at all. She was out there, a woman making things, a female artist, a sharp mind. I suspect she and Lennon were love addicted. This is my layman’s diagnosis. Or maybe they were happily married, no drama, no codependency, no cray-cray. It’s possible, but not probable.

This is the thing about love addiction, it often happens INSIDE a marriage. It’s not like sex addiction, which I don’t associate as much with marriage. Of course sex addiction happens inside a marriage, too. But our stereotyped view of it, or mine at least, looks more like the plot of Looking for Mr Goodbar or that movie Shame. In Shame (aptly titled) the lead character runs around having sex with a string of anonymous women, whoever will have him, really. Pia Mellody’s book deals more with the monogamous model: a cycle of chasing and begging for love that alternates with an opposite behavior, called love avoidance. Sometimes one partner chases, and the other is distant and avoidant. Other times the partners continually switch roles, in a cycle of come-here-go-away which is excruciating for both. Mellody’s recovery program for love addiction requires tackling intimacy fears and healing wounds from childhood abandonment, abuse, and neglect. FUN!

If you’ve ever been in love, then you know that love can feel like a drug. It’s a thin line between love and love addiction. If a love relationship is bringing more pain than pleasure, probably the best idea is to get out of it. And if you can’t get out of it, maybe you’re addicted to it. But some of us are married, and we don’t want to get out.

This not to say that I’m not happily married. I am so happily married it’s a joke. Every day and every night is heaven. Every minute of my marriage is pure bliss. We fell in love, and we have never stopped being madly and passionately in love. The sex is always great. We’ve been together for twenty years and we’ve never had a fight. It’s really quite something. Therefore . . . Facing Love Addiction is not a book I would ever need to read. A therapist would never practically force me to buy this book after begging me for years to look into codependency treatment. I am way too perfect. But this book may have value for other people.

As an aside, my parents got divorced after being married for thirty years and now they don’t speak at all. Fortunately, they also had one of those marriages that was all bliss, all the time. It was the perfect relationship.

Just kidding.
Oh, and here's the Dick Cavett Interview. Be warned, it's a bit of a one-hour wormhole.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kXCn...

[Anne · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was let down. This is a very interesting and complex topic, but the author provided only a superficial analysis. Writing style was sophomoric. Presentation of ideas was messy and convoluted. Very little outside documentation or support was offered, and the few examples provided appeared to be fictional composites, not actual case studies.

[Meowbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I generally liked this book in terms of covering the topic of co-addicted relationships. I was reading Mellody Beattie's Codependent No More at the same time which with its central focus on partners of alcoholics, didn't do it for me.

In particular, I liked that Pia Mellody gave a very practical program and structure for breaking the patterns of co-addicted relating. Kudos too for giving sufficient attention to Love Avoidants, something that was definitely lacking in Levine & Heller's recent book on attachment theory, Attached. I also liked her husband Pat's contributions in Section III on what a healthy relationship looks like. This is incredibly helpful to the intended readership, and I would like to see more of this in books on unhealthy relating.

While I'm not big on Twelve Step approaches, I like some elements of them and this book invokes Steps One and Four lightly and deftly. I also really appreciated the big nod to Peele & Brodsky's earlier work, esp. considering that Peele is an opponent of Twelve Step approaches to sobriety. I found myself hunting through the reference list and liking what I found.

As someone else said, I think this book's title, accurate as it is, will alienate it from a much wider readership who probably need it. I think most people in long-term relationships - and even those simply in the melée of messed-up family inter-relationships - could gain a lot of much-needed wisdom and guidance from it.

[Elizabeth (Liz) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative though a bit repetitive and somewhat lengthy. Nonetheless, It was quite illuminating for me to find described on the written page what my previous relationships have been like and the pitfalls that have kept me in them. Already had opportunity to put this new infomation in effect and have been able to identify a new potential pitfall and avoid it before falling in! I feel empowered after being given this new knowledge

[Vishnu · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some solid, interesting content in this book. All in all though, I had trouble following the organization and structure. It somehow seemed both that there was too much content to cover in the space allotted, and that there was a fair amount of repetition throughout. Still, some very interesting ideas that I'll be thinking and journaling about for some time.

[Sirpa Grierson · Rating 4 out of 5]

When you do not understand why you react the way that you do in relationships of any kind, this book offers excellent insights. Very helpful for becoming conscious of our responses to others.

[Briana R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just good solid researchers doing good solid research. I hope everyone reads this just to have a better relationship and realize compromise and communication are key.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The framework is pathologizing overall, but there's good wisdom here, including: the unhealthful ways of relating that society narrativizes as romance; distractive pursuits (either relationships or other hobbies) as a way to avoid emotional pain or emptiness; the importance of abundance mindset (30 years before the term has become commonplace); how to resource/esteem yourself; and how to practice acceptance of partners/relationships for what they are. Interesting to read as a companion piece to Polywise: A Deeper Dive Into Navigating Open Relationships, and is referenced in that book, but on the whole Polywise is probably more useful, even for those not practicing CNM.

[Finja Kemski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good psychological insights; flipped through some chapters; read on e-reader.

[Rahel Araya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I give this book 5 stars. I was in a relationship where I felt mentally and emotionally unstable.

I don't find myself to be codependent or clingy in anyway, but I knew there was a problem with the foundation of our engagement, and this book helped learn me learn to detach a little bit from my emotions.

Looking back on it, it felt like a balm.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for understanding addictive and dysfunctional cycles in your primary relationships, for understanding the root of those cycles, and learning how to overcome them in order to form more functional and healthy relationships.

[Tracy McMillan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Don't let the title scare you away -- this is one of the smartest relationship books I've ever read. Pia Mellody is a genius.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I appreciate some of the eye-opening ideas in this book, it is based on a disease model and is pretty outdated. It is still interesting, but I would take it all with a grain of salt.

[Rebecca Lau · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't find it helpful. The definition of love addiction was so broad that it could apply to everyone.

[Shiloah · Rating 5 out of 5]

The five stars is mostly because of how eye-opening and life-changing this book has been for me. I highly recommend every married couple read it.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love was initially a difficult read for me. I found myself crying in the beginning due to the shock that I have an addiction to love, as funny or silly as it sounds. It’s interesting to bring the anxious/avoidant dynamic to a more complex level, while providing solutions on how people, mostly Love Addicts though she does have advice for avoidant types as well, can stand firmer on their own two feet.

By framing the anxious person’s approach to love as an addiction, the book gives a step by step plan on resolving codependency. It’s been rather difficult not to resent my family upbringing because of how their dogma has muddled my own decision-making processes, as if I’ve not been operating from my own. How much of it is me, and how much of it was trauma-induced? As a result, sometimes I feel rather unloveable and it drives me into patterns, like finding home in someone else, seeing someone as the Prince Charming who will save me, and placing a person as a “Higher Self,” all of which is a repetition of the dynamic I grew up in, which this book shares on how to break.

[Cassie Field · Rating 5 out of 5]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if you have experienced any childhood trauma, have or suspect you may have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, PLEASE read this book. as someone who personally has healed with this book (my therapist showed me it) and has used it to help my kiddos as a therapist, i beg you to read this. it will change your life if you have any semblance of anxious or avoidance or want to better understand your friends / family in toxic relationships. i am making all my friends and family read and i will be rereading every year. PLEASE YALL

[Selma Šljuka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing read, insightful and direct. Absolute recommend

[Kira Lum (Lumpyplume) · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took a long time to reckon with the realization that the family dynamic I grew up in was both physically and mentally abusive. I see how much patterns that felt familiar growing up influenced my communications with family, friends, coworkers, roommates, and romantic partners. This book is great for improving how you relate to others if you grew up with a similar background, and also just generally could improve the way people in romantic relationships communicate.

One helpful nugget -- Mellody recommends that before making requests, describing events that may be emotionally charged, or asking for support, to think about what you're going to say and try to say it in four sentences or less and with one breath. Then while making the request or statement, to do so while avoiding complaining and blaming -- and eliminating explanation or justification.

I love the way she describes traits of love addicts and love avoidants, and the different dynamics that can arise between the two (or two love addicts, or two love avoidants). Her descriptions map so well on relationships I have had in the past (not just romantic), and ones that have I witnessed that have physical violence.

***

I learned about this book from Michelle Elman, who wrote the clear and incisive work that I would strongly recommend to anyone -- The Joy of Being Selfish: Why you need boundaries and how to set them. Michelle Elman's work gives a great framework that this book can fit into where this book adds nuance on romantic relationship dynamics, but Elman's book expands on the sorts of boundaries that this book discusses. For example, Elman gives great clarity on navigating intellectual boundaries and techniques to process the bodily experience of emotions in solitude.

[Jennifer James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, Pia Mellody, for giving me some of the answers that I needed just as I needed them! I had been recommending this book to clients for some times, but hadn't read it myself until recently. Having just gone through a breakup that left me reeling, I decided it was a good time to read something about relationships. Wow! The description of the Love Avoidant fit my newly minted ex perfectly! It was uncanny! This new knowledge was pivotal in my healing process, and will change the way that I look at potential partners forever.

[Adrian Francies · Rating 3 out of 5]

I certainly gained a lot of insight about myself from reading this book. There are times while reading it I felt like it was written directly for me. The exercises in the book are a little tedious to do and I'm not sure how much they helped, but it's a process.

There are too many religious overtones in the book for my taste, but I did find the content to be fairly enlightening.

[Donna · Rating 2 out of 5]

maybe 2.5 starts.. I didn't like it very much because it was too hard to follow. Every page there was numbered points. It was confusing and hard to keep track of what chapter and issue she was addressing. It all blurred together.. Only a little helpful, however a newby may gain some insight from this book..

[Dr_Joseph · Rating 5 out of 5]

If Uve been struggling with love addiction ,, If u cant maintain a relationship cause u always think that there must be someone better or i should wait more for thr ONE .. This book is for U

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life made more sense after reading this book. It was highly relatable, thought-provoking, insightful, painful, yet filled with hope.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful way to look at addictive relationships. Recommending it to clients.