Conflict Without Casualties

by Nate Regier

Did you know that drama in the workplace could be devastating your audiences’ organizations? According to a Gallup Poll, negative conflict drains the U.S. economy by $350 BILLION a year in lost productivity and wasted energy. But conflict shouldn’t be an energy drain. It should be an energy source, says Nate Regier, co-founding owner and chief executive officer of Next Element, a global advisory firm specializing in building cultures of compassionate accountability.

Conflict Without Casualties turns the view of conflict on its head. Instead of trying to manage or to minimize conflict, people need to use it as a source of energy that spurs innovation, trust, and increased engagement. Conflict Without Casualties details how to do that—complete with access to a personal assessment and self-guided workbook.

Genres: Leadership, Business, Communication, Professional Development, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships

240 pages, Paperback

First published April 24, 2017

About the author

Nate Regier, Ph.D., is the CEO and founding owner of Next Element Consulting, a global leadership consulting and training firm helping build cultures of compassionate accountability. Dr. Regier is a former practicing psychologist and expert in social-emotional intelligence, interpersonal communication, conflict skills, and leadership. Recognized as a Top 100 keynote speaker, he is a Process Communication Model® Certifying Master Trainer. Nate is the author of four books: Beyond Drama, Conflict without Casualties, Seeing People Through, and his newest book, Compassionate Accountability. He hosts a podcast called “On Compassion with Dr. Nate,” writes a weekly blog, contributes to multiple industry publications, and is a regular guest on podcasts.

Reviews

[Daniel Stalter · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a little too focused on corporate training for my tastes and what I was looking for, but there were a few really good chapters and some solid take-aways.

[Carolyn]

This is my second time through this book. I listened to it about a year or so ago and reading the review, I noticed I had different notes to draw upon this time:

Conflict generates energy and in avoidable. I remember one of my bosses' at a previous job saying that conflict makes her feel alive. The book says we struggle AGAINST conflict or we can struggle WITH it. Struggling with is a shared responsibility with mutual respect. It's purpose is to "create". Drama mismanages the energy of conflict and diverts the energy to self-justification. Compassion is taking ownership and the willingness to get in the trenches and struggle together as an equal. "drama is what happens when people struggle against themselves or others, with or without awareness, to feel justified about their behavior. SUPER relevant with some experiences I have had in the last couple of months. "The motivation is to say 'see, I was right!'". Drama is when we gossip and vent WITHOUT BEING ACCOUNTABLE to take action. Yes, I like this. I think it is fine to vent but at the end, let's have a plan - what are you (or what am I) going to do about this? How will I (or how will you) not be the victim in this situation?

One thing I really like about buying a book in audio format is it makes it super easy to listen to it again and again. Reading takes time. Listening can happen when you are cleaning, driving, working on a puzzle or taking a walk. Many more opportunities. I knew I would enjoy reading this a send time and indeed I did!

[Elizabeth Jennings · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those rare books that will actually alter my life forever. It already has begun. I feel like Nate Regier described to me the stupid games I've been playing all my life from an outside observer's perspective, kicked the ball off the field, and then showed me a better game to play and how to play it. Cannot recommend this book highly enough to anyone interested in improving interpersonal relationships, whether personal or professional. I have avoided conflict all my life because there seemed so many pitfalls. Nate describes the three pitfalls--to act like a victim, rescuer, or persecuter--and presents their mature alternatives: openness, resourcefulness, and persistence. I have been practicing the sample openness statements as personal affirmations, and already feel more in integrity and less helpless.

[Merriment · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not good at bringing up sensitive topics. If it stirs up great emotions in me, I become fearful of how to calmly and respectfully discuss the issue with others. This book has so many great ideas for having a better conversation by utilizing their ORPO method. I appreciate learning how to communicate better all around with the help of this book.

[Adi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read - helpful formula, very relatable examples - not just theory, but honoring the human complexity while applying an emotionally intelligent formula (ORPO) in dealing with conflict and drama.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Open, Resourceful, Persistent

If you like boundaries, communication, and compassion...you will enjoy this book. I’m a conflict avoider and this book is an inspiration to stop concealing my problems and address conflict in a healthy way.

[Edwin Weaver · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great handbook for anyone interested in having important conversations without Drama. I have already started using the Compassion Cycle for communication and it helps move things forward. A great tool for anyone.

[Slav Ivanov · Rating 4 out of 5]

Instructive and useful book, at times a bit dry and repetitive, on how to resolve conflict in your life, job and relationships.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has some good practical tools to both understand conflict and consider the best moves to make to lean into conflict and work through challenges.

[Lisa Kosak · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Negative conflict, manifested as workplace drama, costs the US economy more than $350 billion per year in the currency of broken relationships, dysfunctional teams, morale and engagement problems, and failure to thrive”

Not many people truly enjoy conflict. Conflict seems to bring out the worst in people and so many of us don’t know how to react to it or realize that it can be used as a catalyst for change. Growing up, I never liked conflict and tended to morph into the background whenever it reared its ugly head. As I jumped into the real world I ran smack into conflict coming at me from many directions. It was a changing life lesson and I had no choice but to swim with the sharks. Ultimately, I grew to embrace conflict to as a means to unite people and work on problems. Surprisingly, this little conflict avoidance girl was a dynamo at actually stepping in to resolve conflict with a clear head and open heart.

When I had a chance to read the new book coming out soon Conflict without Casualties A Field Guide for Leadership with Compassionate Accountability by Nate Regier Ph.D. I rejoiced. Conflict doesn’t need to be a dirty word and we should snap to attention when it rears up because it means that people may be passionate about something and willing to stand up for what they believe. Nate shows us how conflict should be viewed as a creative force because there is often so much energy behind it. Nate asserts how conflict can be turned around and utilized to grow innovation, build trust, and further engage people. His views will help you change your perspective on conflict, people, and how it can be used to make us more accountable.

Conflict without Casualties is an effective tool kit for managing conflict. Nate introduces us to the nuances of drama through the “drama triangle” resulting from conflict and the roles people take on in the process. People may play the victim, rescuer, or persecutor, none of which are healthy. Drama is expensive in monetary and emotional terms. We have all been caught up at one time or another in drama games and they can bring down people and organizations.

Drama and conflict can be negated through a compassion process which Nate introduces as the “compassion circle”. We turn conflict on its head by being open/vulnerable, resourceful/generate options, and persistence to bring about change. The cycle enables us to balance compassion and accountability while turning conflict into a growth experience of change for teams. Compassionate leaders should focus on this model when working through conflict by starting by asking if there is true openness and making an assessment. If so, move on to making movement on ideas and moving forward. Only then can leaders encourage others to remain persistent in making change or progress.

Compassion without Casualties leads us through the critical process of getting beyond what I call all of the “junk” in the workplace or even in your own home. Nate encourages us to look at conflict in a new way and to actually embrace it because it can be turned into a positive. He never states that it will be an easy path but in the end it brings us results and growth. You will learn that “Compassion balances caring, concern, empathy and transparency with boundaries, goals, aspirations, and standards. It’s the engine that turns conflict into a creative force”.

So how can you use Conflict without Casualties in your own world to grow? Following are some insights to encourage you to embrace conflict, not run!


• Personal stories and real- life examples of conflict situations and the impact
• Case studies that can be shared with teams
• Provocative questions to think through to really see the benefit of opening up to conflict
• Relevant effective strategies for avoiding drama and becoming a compassionate leader
• Personal reflection and personal development questions
• A DRE assessment – Drama Resilience Assessment which is an online assessment

We have so much conflict swirling around us every day and it really is unavoidable unless you live a cave. Don’t run from it. Open your arms and heart to using conflict to solve problems, develop people, and bring more compassion to the negativity in the world. Conflict without Casualties should be your go to bible for turning conflict upside down and bringing compassion back into addressing it.

[Lisa Kosak · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Negative conflict, manifested as workplace drama, costs the US economy more than $350 billion per year in the currency of broken relationships, dysfunctional teams, morale and engagement problems, and failure to thrive”

Not many people truly enjoy conflict. Conflict seems to bring out the worst in people and so many of us don’t know how to react to it or realize that it can be used as a catalyst for change. Growing up, I never liked conflict and tended to morph into the background whenever it reared its ugly head. As I jumped into the real world I ran smack into conflict coming at me from many directions. It was a changing life lesson and I had no choice but to swim with the sharks. Ultimately, I grew to embrace conflict to as a means to unite people and work on problems. Surprisingly, this little conflict avoidance girl was a dynamo at actually stepping in to resolve conflict with a clear head and open heart.

When I had a chance to read the new book coming out soon Conflict without Casualties A Field Guide for Leadership with Compassionate Accountability by Nate Regier Ph.D. I rejoiced. Conflict doesn’t need to be a dirty word and we should snap to attention when it rears up because it means that people may be passionate about something and willing to stand up for what they believe. Nate shows us how conflict should be viewed as a creative force because there is often so much energy behind it. Nate asserts how conflict can be turned around and utilized to grow innovation, build trust, and further engage people. His views will help you change your perspective on conflict, people, and how it can be used to make us more accountable.

Conflict without Casualties is an effective tool kit for managing conflict. Nate introduces us to the nuances of drama through the “drama triangle” resulting from conflict and the roles people take on in the process. People may play the victim, rescuer, or persecutor, none of which are healthy. Drama is expensive in monetary and emotional terms. We have all been caught up at one time or another in drama games and they can bring down people and organizations.

Drama and conflict can be negated through a compassion process which Nate introduces as the “compassion circle”. We turn conflict on its head by being open/vulnerable, resourceful/generate options, and persistence to bring about change. The cycle enables us to balance compassion and accountability while turning conflict into a growth experience of change for teams. Compassionate leaders should focus on this model when working through conflict by starting by asking if there is true openness and making an assessment. If so, move on to making movement on ideas and moving forward. Only then can leaders encourage others to remain persistent in making change or progress.

Compassion without Casualties leads us through the critical process of getting beyond what I call all of the “junk” in the workplace or even in your own home. Nate encourages us to look at conflict in a new way and to actually embrace it because it can be turned into a positive. He never states that it will be an easy path but in the end it brings us results and growth. You will learn that “Compassion balances caring, concern, empathy and transparency with boundaries, goals, aspirations, and standards. It’s the engine that turns conflict into a creative force”.

So how can you use Conflict without Casualties in your own world to grow? Following are some insights to encourage you to embrace conflict, not run!


• Personal stories and real- life examples of conflict situations and the impact
• Case studies that can be shared with teams
• Provocative questions to think through to really see the benefit of opening up to conflict
• Relevant effective strategies for avoiding drama and becoming a compassionate leader
• Personal reflection and personal development questions
• A DRE assessment – Drama Resilience Assessment which is an online assessment

We have so much conflict swirling around us every day and it really is unavoidable unless you live a cave. Don’t run from it. Open your arms and heart to using conflict to solve problems, develop people, and bring more compassion to the negativity in the world. Conflict without Casualties should be your go to bible for turning conflict upside down and bringing compassion back into addressing it.

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this one via Audible - it was a featured book in SHRM magazine and the library didn't have it for the last year or so but I really wanted to read it. It was worth the money (I am so cheap when it comes to books - but when you read a lot, you sort of have to be, you know? It could be a very expensive hobby!)

What did I learn....well let's start with the parts about drama. The author has another book called "Beyond Drama" and this book starts by talking about drama. It recaps the three roles: persecutor, victim, and rescuer. Got that part already yet he gave some great examples of subtler types of drama. Here is where audible is not helping me because if I read this on the kindle I would have highlighted it - his definition had something to do with putting work into supporting your own views rather than have a conversation about it and solving the problem. It's when people are not honest about their feelings int the moment but then complain later - an example is not speaking up in a meeting but then talking about it with your co-workers later. Totally paraphrasing but it made total sense. What happens when someone feels that they have been judged or criticized? Often someone will talk to their neighbor and seek validation for themselves - "I wasn't being selfish, was I?" or "that person is a jerk, don't you think?" and any other way to seek a sympathetic ear to support yourw on negative feelings or beliefs. While I knew that having that type of conversation doesn't usually lead to resolution, I never thought of it as "drama" specifically.

So using that information/definition at the start of the book, the author describes how you can "Lead out of drama" by taking "compassionate Acountablity" and follow his ORPO model.

Open - Resourceful - Persistent - Open

OPENNESS is essentially the emotional parts and you start with and end with that. You are telling the person you care about them or validating what you heard them say etc... The focus is on the other person. Emotional transparency, vulnerability, disclosing how you feel or acknowledging how they feel.

RESOURCEFULNESS is about bringing together resources to solve the problem in the spirit of curiosity - no, not coming with an idea for how to solve it and getting the other person on board or getting them to think it was their idea - truly being curious and asking for their help in coming to a resolution to the conflict. There are many examples he gives of ways to do this.

PERSISTENCE is about clarifying boundaries in a way that preserves dignity. It's short and simple and to be delivered in a very calm voice. example: I am not okay with talking about John when he is not here. Alternatively, it could be used to acknowledge when you do not honor somebody else's boundaries such as "I am sorry I was late - I want you to trust me and know that I do value your time and will work on fixing that"

Many examples of ways that this can be done successfully and also examples that illustrate the importance of doing it in order. We've all been in a situation where we talk about a problem and the first things someone does is try to solve the problem - that is an example of going straight to RESOURCEFUL and skipping OPEN which is what we really need - "It sounds like a horrible situation!"

One thing I really loved about the book is how he gave his own examples of failures in his communications, even KNOWING the ORPO model. It made it easier for me to listen and say "arg, I've done that, too" or "shoot - I was creating drama in that situation when I should have handled it differently".

Lots of content and I am for sure going to listen to it a 2nd time. It's only about 6 hours of listening - and it works well at 1.25 speed so that's ...what....4.5 hours total? Well worth the time. Good stuff!

[Dr. Byron Ernest · Rating 5 out of 5]

Conflict is always difficult, but it leads to growth and change, which is good. No one likes pain, but pain wakes you up and tells you when to react. This book is a guide for leaders on how to navigate conflict so it is not an energy drain but an energy source. Some level of organizational conflict is actually desirable — it’s not always dysfunctional. When conflict exists, it generally indicates commitment to organizational goals, because the players are trying to come up with the best solution. Dr. Regier gives us three critical steps to follow for creating positive energy with conflict: First, be open and transparent about how you are feeling and what you want. Second, show a non-judgmental curiosity to explore options and look for creative solutions. Third, gain clarity about your boundaries and principles. This is a must read for leaders that want true open dialogue and dissent to find the best solutions for our global challenges.
~Dr. Byron L. Ernest

[Sandy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm reading this for a work book club and about half way through. Yet, the author is still introducing and explaining the philosophy behind the approach to workplace conflict, so I can't comment on the practical aspect of the book yet. I like the discussion of how traits such as open-resourceful-persistent can go too far and become part of the "drama triangle" -- victim-rescuer-persecutor. I'll have to wait and see if this book presents applicable recommendations and examples and is actually useful.

[Katelyn Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

life changing